Second chance

Okay, time to finish the story from a couple weeks ago.

So, before I went to San Diego I came upon Eric's Facebook profile through a mutual friend. I somewhat impulsively decided to text him to see how he was. To my surprise, he responded by calling me and we talked for a while. He seemed happy to hear from me, and suggested we meet up again. Now remember, this is the guy who cancelled on my three times in one week after we had an awesome first date. Suffice it to say I was approaching him with much caution. However, he told me in the conversation that he had realized recently he had a tendency to push people away and he was trying to change that. So, I decided to give him another chance. But, HE would have to lead the way, and I considered him on "dating probation."

One wrinkle: I added him on Facebook, and on the way down to San Diego Wes asked me, "How do you know Eric?" Turns out he knows him too, and went out with him a couple times. "He's an asshole," he said. Later he elaborated that he didn't really quite remember why the guy was an asshole, but they had dropped out of contact. It was definitely jealousy talking. I felt bad, but I knew I had to make my own decision about Eric.

We texted back and forth a bit while I was in San Diego. The day after my long date with San Diego guy, I was at work texting with Eric to set up a meet up. I said I could meet that day or the next. He said he was free that day, so we made plans for him to come to my place. That night he did, and we went and got sushi and frozen yogurt. We had a good time, and good conversation. The conversation continued in the car while we finished our yogurt, then we ended up making out. After that I invited him to come back to my place to watch a movie or something. I wasn't sure if he would go for it, since he usually gets up really early, but agreed.

We get back to my place, and start cuddling/making out on my bed. The TV never gets turned on. I don't necessarily have the intention of things going further than cuddling, but things escalate. Note that HE is the one that escalates it. He removes my shirt. He unbuttons my pants. So I do the same to him. Before long I'm naked, then he is. We do hands, we do mouths. Here he is, the fourth guy I've done anything with in bed, right after the third.

Problem is . . . he gets curious for some reason. He stops for a moment and asks me when the last time I did something with someone was. I . . . am an honest person. "Recently . . ." I stammered. "This weekend?" he asked. "Yes." Damn, why couldn't this have happened any time but now?

I asked him if that was a problem, and he said no. But he asked further questions. "Who was he?" "What did you guys do?" I assured him it was a date from OkCupid who lives in San Diego, and all we did was hands. However, my thoughts turned to the pictures I posted on Facebook of the San Diego crew, which included Wes. Perhaps Eric thought I was dating Wes, and was cheating on him? Or maybe he's just very prudish when it comes to these things (and here I thought I was, haha).

In any case, we continued for a bit after the awkward pause, but then suddenly Eric got up and said, "Sorry to cut it short, but I get up at 6 in the morning." He dressed, gave me a kiss, and left. I never believed for a second that it wasn't about the revelation about me having fooled around with someone in SD.

My suspicions have been all but confirmed by the fact that Eric is no longer texting me. Now that we are Facebook friends though, I see that he is a little . . . strange. And after talking with Wes about it in more detail, it seems that Eric really does have a track record of being flaky.

I have no regrets about giving him another chance. I got better closure this time, and can now confidently say that he is just not right for me.

Meanwhile, I have made plans to meet up with San Diego guy again after the Thanksgiving Holiday. Let's christen him. I'll call him Ron. Because he currently has a beard and is from San Diego. Just like Ron Burgundy. :-P

Roller coaster of love

Guess I will continue the recent trend of writing a post while I'm in a relative good mood, haha. Just to mix it up from the way I usually do it.

This last week was really tough, one of the toughest in a while. Which exemplifies the roller coaster I've been on. Not tough in the sense that it was hectic or anything. Just mentally tough. I was plagued by depression and anxiety . . . the kind of anxiety that is with you the second you open your eyes in the morning. The sexuality doubts have weighed on me heavily. I have seriously been considering ways that I can get out and try going on dates with women, just to check that off the list and see how I feel. I came across a Meet Up group in LA that organizes "practice dates" for people who want to gain dating experience in a more laid back atmosphere. I'm thinking of looking at that. Once I found out about that some of my anxiety lifted. Another thing that helped was reading polls on the internet about girls and their willingness to date bi guys. There seems to be a fair number of girls out there who don't have a problem with it.

The fact that these two things (the practice dating group and the idea of dating girls not necessarily being a lost cause if you've dated guys) helped lift my mood made me realize a large part of what gets me down: lack of hope. When I feel like things are hopeless I get overwhelmed. When I go months without finding a guy that attracts me a fraction of the amount that Ben did, I get discouraged and start to peek enviously at the greener grass that is the larger heterosexual dating pool. I did a very OCD thing at the height of my worrying: I made a document in which I listed all of the prominent crushes I can remember having in my life, both girls and guys. Both totaled in the 20s, with guys having a slide edge. Then I listed the most prominent characteristics I remembered about each person, to see if one sex or the other really gave me more of an emotional feeling. Generally guys did more, especially if I factor in Lance and Ben, the only two people I can honestly say I've had feelings of love for. But some of the girls had fairly strong feelings too.

My reasoning is, since I am primarily driven by emotional attraction and not at all driven by sexual attraction, it seems like if I found the right girl I could theoretically develop strong feelings just like I did with Ben. It just seems like I would only benefit from increasing the number of prospective partners since I just don't seem all that attracted to most guys I go out with.

Also, my older cousin Gavin got engaged. His fiance, whom I still haven't met, is a fashion model that he met online. I think I partially inspired him to try online dating after my "success." I am happy for him, but I can't help but be a bit jealous.

When I felt like I was at rock bottom I opened up to my mom over the phone. She hasn't always been the most understanding when I talk about my issues, but lately she has had a lot of patience and I greatly appreciate that. She has tried to cheer me up, and instead of doing what many mothers might do and strongly encourage me to date girls, she has instead softly encouraged me to try while also cautioning me to stay true to myself. She really does want what's best for me and my happiness, even if she acknowledges it would be a lot easier for her to be open about my dating life with friends in the Midwest (gossip that she is) if I were dating girls.

As for Jared, I have been continuing to see him. He is definitely the best guy I've dated so far since Ben. He is attractive, smart, affectionate, communicative, straight-forward, and logical. But I remain on the fence with him. We've made out, and last time I saw him I went over to his place and cuddled. However, he's quite feminine, and I don't find that very attractive. Also there's just something missing. I don't have that excited feeling to see him again that I had with Ben from pretty much the very beginning. I'm wondering if I've moved too fast, since we kissed at the first date and started cuddling from the second date on.

The other major problem with Jared . . . he confided in me that he has herpes. He pegged me as the type that might shy away from dating someone who's infected. He has a lot more sexual experiences than I have. Frankly the way I feel is that if I was REALLY into a guy it might be worth the risk since with proper protection you decrease your risk of catching it. But since the other factors have me on the fence, I'm even more unsure.

For now I think I will just try to slow things down. He knows I'm not sure about proceeding, and he has expressed interest in just being friends if I am uncomfortable continuing to date him.

Meanwhile I've been corresponding with a friend of mine, the young law student whom I recently have been advising on getting through his breakup. We hung out a bit last weekend, and since then we've been talking by text every day. I had pretty much friend zoned him, and told him about EVERYTHING that's been bothering me, down to my considering going on dates with girls to broaden my options. Despite this, he has asked if I might want to go on a date sometime down the road once we have both healed more and if things don't work out with Jared or girls. I was so flattered. He is really a super sweet guy. Great sense of humor, good conversationalist, friendly and kind of cute. And I know from our conversations that we are emotionally on the same wavelength as far as our attachment styles go. So, that's on the backburner. He lives quite far away, but you never know. I'll give him a name. He shall be called Sam.

Busy three day weekend ahead. Lunch date tomorrow with a new guy that seems pretty nice. I met him on Grindr and it seems we have a lot in common. Also looks to have a pretty nice body. He cancelled on me once but has been decent about rescheduling so I don't think I have another Eric on my hands. We'll see how it goes. Then in the afternoon is a yoga class with the LGBT social group.

The improv troupe is going well. I made a tough decision this week. I'm trying to take a very impacted class at a local community college for a possible masters program I might apply to. But the scheduling came down to either the class or improv. I chose improv. I know the class may have been the better choice careerwise, but there's always next semester. And the improv troupe is the best thing that has happened to me in a while. It's an opportunity I do not wish to pass up. It has been the highlight of my week, the thing that lifts me up when I'm feeling down. I'm not in a hurry to throw it away.

A much needed pick me up

Seems like whenever I hit emotional rock bottom I have a good first date to lift my spirits, haha.

I had dinner at a sushi restaurant with a guy I met on Grindr last night. Recent law school graduate. I will assign him the name Jared. For no particular reason, haha.

The shopping center where the restaurant was is always super crowded and parking is a nightmare. Jared lucked out and found a spot immediately, but I wasn't so lucky. I drove around the lot in a futile attempt before deciding to try my luck across the street. I saw him waiting outside the restaurant as I drove by, so I shouted, "Be with you eventually, Jared!" He laughed and then texted me an apology for picking a place with such a bad parking situation.

Fifteen minutes later or so I finally joined him. Immediately I noticed that he is quite a bit more on the feminine-acting side than most of the guys I've gone out with, as far as his voice and some of his mannerisms. However, he is also extremely cute.

I informed Jared that I was quite the sushi newbie, having only started eating it within the past year (in order to impress Ben, but I naturally left out that part, haha). I let him take the lead as far as deciding what rolls to order, with my input as far as my likes. We ended up ordering three different rolls, and all were quite good. Salmon, shrimp tempura, and the "spider roll." I was stuffed afterward. Jared is quite skinny and said he doesn't usually eat very much, so hopefully I didn't make him eat more than he wanted, haha.

The conversation was good. We covered a lot of topics from family, travel, school, hobbies, to coming out. I was pleasantly surprised that he was a relative late bloomer too. He didn't first get an inkling that he might be gay until he was 20, which is actually later than me (it was 18 for me). I was a bit disappointed to find out that he is not very close with his family, and his mom is a bit uncomfortable with his sexuality.

Overall the date was very nice. And in the end I was glad I parked across the street. Jared offered to drive me back to my car. He pulled over next to it and we hugged. I gave him a peck on the cheek and he sort of giggled. I decided to go for the whole enchilada. We chatted a bit more about his upcoming trip to Vegas (he was leaving after our date), and then I went for the full kiss. We kissed a bit, and then I took my leave with a smile, wishing him a safe journey.

While driving away from the parking lot I saw him pull over at a gas station to fill up. A few minutes later I received a text from him saying what a pleasure it was meeting me. I was happy that he felt comfortable sending that text so quickly. When I got home I replied, and told him I thought he was extremely cute. He reciprocated the compliment, and said I had great eyes and a great smile.

Today he texted me to say hi and we began chatting. He made it to Vegas and is hanging out with his friends. I was happy that he reached out. There may be potential with this one. He lives close, and he's not evasive. Nor does he seem to be the type to give mixed signals.

Speaking of mixed signals, I got closure in the Eric situation. After still not getting a confirmation from him about meeting up today, I texted him to say, "Never heard back from you man. What's up? Please don't leave me hanging. The ball is in your court."

Eric soon replied, "I'm sorry I've been so MIA. I'm just really trying to keep up. I don't mean to leave you hanging. You're a funny talented beautiful guy and I would be honored to be in a relationship with someone like you but I can't be your guy right now. I'm just not ready or able to date. Just decided to refocus on myself. I hope all the best with you and your career."

Well, I'm glad he finally was open with me. He's obviously got issues and I don't need to deal with that. I replied back that I was sorry if the first date went a little too fast, I just really liked him. I told him I wanted to get to know him better, even if just as a friend, and he knew where to find me.

So I can close the door on that guy. Bummer, but at least this revelation came after my good date with Jared.

As for the other guy that I was corresponding with on Grindr (the one who went to Texas on business), I finally met up with him after improv practice the other night. It was really late and he seemed pretty exhausted. Nice guy and decent conversation, but our texting chemistry didn't really seem to translate to in person, haha. Perhaps he's friend material.

I am still so happy I got into the improv troupe. Weekly practice is a great way to recharge my batteries, especially when I feel like I did well. And it gives me something interesting to share with people. Jared was impressed at how many hobbies I have (improv, guitar, hiking, etc)

Ben continues to "like" my Facebook statuses, especially anything related to my improv exploits. I've been on the fence about whether to ask him to stop or just tolerate it until I'm desensitized. I'll leave it alone for now.

So my mood is better. Here's hoping it sticks for a while.

Getting better

Hello all,

Just been enjoying a relaxing weekend with family. My parents are in town so I've been visiting with them, my sisters, nephews and nieces. My cousin Roger came into town to see everyone as well.

Several bits of news.

First: I actually did hear back from Eric again. He texted me Wednesday morning and even sent a pic of his dad's get well cake. Next best thing to a doctor's note, lol. He even was the one to propose getting together for a date day, such as going to the beach or something. The only downside, he put the scheduling ball back in my court by saying, "If you're ever free on a Saturday..." So much for his promise to meet me halfway this week. So I'm still a little disappointed that he's not more proactive about setting a day, but at least he does want to see me again. I'll probably text him and say I'm free next Saturday, then see what he does with that information, haha.

Tuesday I had a first date with a law student. Quite tall and a black/white mix, which seems to be a pretty cool combo :) Then again I seem to be attracted to guys of mixed ethnicity. Two of the three guys I had kissed previously were a mix (Ben and Josh). I'm not sure about Eric. Guess we can call this new guy Lawrence, because it has the word "law" in it. That's right, I'm original like that. Anyways, we had drinks and chatted. We covered some dangerous first-date topics like coming out experiences and past relationships. Intriguingly, Lawrence was engaged to a woman at one point before coming out. I managed to talk about my relationship very briefly without hinting at how much and for how long its end affected me. Anyways, the conversation was good. I feel my demeanor was nice and friendly throughout, though I may have smiled a little too much, lol. Afterward he walked me back to the structure where I parked and we parted with a kiss. Heck yeah, first kiss number four and it was nice. My first first kiss standing up, and the first done in a public place rather than in a house or a parked car.

I texted Lawrence the next day to let him know that I enjoyed meeting him, and would like to meet up again sometime. He concurred, although I didn't detect much enthusiasm (probably over thinking, it was a text after all). I said I would love to see his new kitten sometime. He responded, "Is that just your way of getting me to invite you up lol" I responded that I wasn't that sneaky, haha. Not sure if he was being flirtatious or what. He hasn't initiated contact since then. I'll probably hit him up soon. I know he's busy getting ready for classes.

Last weekend I finally joined the rest of civilized society and got a smartphone. So of course what do I do that same day . . . Download Grindr. Now before I was against using that app due to its reputation as a hookup app. However, I keep hearing stories of guys meeting their boyfriends on there (including my friend YouTube Guy), so I decided it wouldn't hurt to use it, as long as my intentions are made clear and I don't mind being propositioned once in a while.

I got into conversations with several guys. One happens to be from the state that my parents retired to. Eventually we traded numbers and we've been texting back and forth throughout the week. He went on a business trip to Texas and passed a bit of his downtime chatting with me. He also taught me how to use Emojis, the cute little colorful emoticons. He's pretty cute in his pictures and seems really nice. I'm planning to meet up with him in a few days.

Another guy from Grindr lives near where I'm staying this weekend. Once I leave my sister's house I'm planning to meet up with him. We traded Instagram info. He's really cute.

Other bit of news this week: I got into the local improv troupe. That was exciting. I posted the news on Facebook and got a lot of likes. I was happy, a mood I havent had much since January. Also on Facebook I got some comments of congrats, including from Ben. That got me thinking about him again, sigh. But this troupe will be good. It will give me something to keep my mind occupied. Something I may not have even done if I were still with him.

So, things are going pretty well right now. Nice to not be rejected for once, after being academically and personally rejected at the beginning of this year. Nice that someone recognizes the awesomeness that is Cal. Haha.

Too good to be true

A couple weeks ago, on a Tuesday, I had a first date with a new guy. Let's call him Eric. I had started messaging this guy right before I went to Chicago. It seemed promising. Like me, he plays guitar and likes comedy movies such as Airplane! He had some YouTube videos posted and was very attractive and seemed to have a sweet personality. I met up with him, appropriately enough, in a nearby shopping center inside Guitar Center. We then walked over to a restaurant that had just been put in. Turns out, the restaurant wasn't open to the public yet. They were doing a special reservation-only training evening. I was just about to turn around and walk to another place, but Eric wasn't ready to give up quite yet. The hostess told us that we could try to inquire at the desk inside about reservations for a different night. Eric wanted to check it out, so in we went. To make a long story short, we ended up getting seated that night! And the meal was complimentary since it was a special training event! The only damper was that I wasn't able to order an alcoholic beverage . . . my license had just expired on my birthday, the new one hadn't come in yet, and my temporary one was all the way in the car (very far away in my work parking lot . . . I had walked over from work). So no drink for me, and I had to explain to Eric why I was carrying around an expired license!

Our meal was good. We had a pretty good conversation, with maybe just a few strained moments. He seemed like a really cool guy, though, with a good sense of humor. I liked him. And I admit, I had been crushing on him after hearing him sing on his YouTube videos, haha. A good singing voice gets me, lol. Same thing with what's-his-face.

After dinner we shared a dessert, which is something I almost never have. I don't have much of a sweet tooth and am very health-conscious. But Eric convinced me :-) Then he offered to drive me back to my car since I was parked so far away. On the way he handed me a stick of gum. Hmm . . . the last person who did that was Josh, and we all know where that led. When we got there, my least favorite part of any date came: the goodbye. I gave him a hug, and started to stammer about how I really enjoyed myself and hoped we could meet up again. I awkwardly committed a first date no-no . . . suggesting we set the next date right then. He seemed receptive, and suggested we meet up on Saturday. I said we could go for a hike. He seemed to like the idea.

Then, I decided to go for it. I leaned in and kissed him (something I've never done on a first date . . . heck, he's only the third guy I've ever kissed!) Soon we were making out, massaging each other, and even cuddling a little bit in his car and just talking. At one point I said with a smile, "Now I don't want to go." He replied, "So tell me more about yourself." After we did that for a while, he said he needed to go. Adorably, he offered to walk me to my truck, which was parked right next to his car. We got out and walked over. With a grin he got in the truck bed and laid down, staring up at the stars. I hesitated at first since the truck hadn't been washed in a while, but finally caved and climbed in too. We spooned a little bit in the back of my truck and kissed some more. Then I climbed out and got in the drivers seat to take my leave. Before I could he pulled me close for one more smooch, then returned to his car. Just as I was about to start my truck up and leave, I glanced over and noticed him holding up a phone: my phone. Laughing, I climbed out and walked around to retrieve it. "You did that on purpose, didn't you?" he asked. "I needed an excuse to do this again," I said, kissing him.

Then it was really time to go. "Bye Eric," I said with a smile and a wave. I got into my truck and drove off, on cloud nine. Suddenly Saturday seemed very far away. When I got home, a corny joke he had told me finally clicked in my brain, so I texted him to let him know I finally got it. He replied with an "lol" text, then followed up with, "You're adorable, btw." I was beaming.

The rest of our exchange:
Me: "Aw, thanks. Well you know what they say, takes one to know one."
Eric: "I'm glad I met you, and are you sure you didn't leave anything else in my car?"
Me: "Just you. I guess I'll have to come get you on Saturday."
Eric: "lol cute. Aw, I'm definitely looking forward to seeing you again."
Me: "The feeling's mutual!"

Saturday approached very slowly. On Wednesday I decided to make things fair by sharing my YouTube guitar videos with Eric. I texted him for his email address and he responded immediately. I sent the email to him, but he never acknowledged receiving it. Oh well. On Thursday I texted Eric to start formulating the plan. No answer. All day. Hmm.

Friday I tried again. I like to plan at least the day before. He finally got back to me and apologetically texted, "Cal, is it alright if we postpone tomorrow? Sorry I have to cancel."

I was bummed, and not sure whether this was a legitimate cancellation or not. I said, "Sure thing. Hope we can meet up soon, I really enjoyed meeting you."

He replied: "It's just a family gathering, I enjoyed meeting you too :-)"

I offered: "I'm planning on going to an improv show Saturday night if you're free. If not we'll touch base next week."

Eric: "Sounds awesome! Who's performing, where, when? :)"

Me: "It's the improv troupe I'm auditioning for. They're having a show and I need to attend as part of the try-out process. I can email you the details."

Eric: "Please! I'm going to see if I can make it."

Saturday came. I texted to see if he was coming. A few hours before the show, he texts that he won't be able to come. No worries, it was a shot in the dark. He doesn't suggest an alternate day, though, even though he was the one who cancelled.

During the early part of the week, I texted him to see whether Wednesday or Friday would work for him. At this point I'm feeling a little leery. I was still feeling a bit burned by Nick's unexplained disappearance after two dates went well and he seemed interested. I also didn't want to come off too strongly. I was happy to see that he texted me back, saying Wednesday would be awesome.

Except, come Wednesday it was no longer awesome. Cancellation # 2 (I don't count the improv show since he never actually committed to it). This time he was feeling under the weather. I didn't hold it against him since I had had the same reason for not meeting with him before my Chicago trip. At this point I was a little sick of waiting for him to respond to my texts, so I suggested that if he couldn't meet up maybe we could chat on the phone instead. He did call, and we chatted about making alternate plans. We settled on Friday instead. This time I would drive up to his house and we would eat somewhere near there. He suggested Thai food, which is one of my favorites.

Friday came. Things seemed like they were finally going to go as planned. I texted him for his address and he gave it to me, then said "See you tonight." A few hours later: "Cal I'm really sorry I have to cancel yet again. My dad got hurt at work. I would feel guilty if I went to dinner with you with him being injured. I want to keep an eye on him and find out what happened. I'll make it up to you and meet you half way next week, I promise."

This was Cancellation # 3. Three cancellations in one week. Yes, they all had seemingly valid reasons behind them, but I was feeling a little jerked around. My nature is to give people the benefit of the doubt, but I'm also very sensitive to getting burned right now. I texted him one last time, sending my best wishes to his dad and giving him my availability for the following week (this week). The ball is now in his court. Monday has passed and no word. If his "promise" is good, I'd expect to hear from him soon. But . . . I don't expect to hear from him.

I don't know why I keep running into these flakes. It's like I'm a magnet for them. Maybe it's because I'm using a free dating website. Maybe people aren't as committed as they would be on a paid one like Match. Match is the one that got me my one and only relationship, after all (even though that guy turned out to be quite the flake himself, a flake of communication skills and relationship effort . . . but I digress)

The great first date with Eric lifted my spirits immensely. It seemed like Ben's shadow might finally be lifting. Then when he ended up being yet another flake, it came crashing down again. Who knows, maybe all of his excuses were legitimate. But he still could have been more proactive about rescheduling. If he really had a significant interest in me, he would be trying harder to "make it up to me" instead of leaving me hanging.

Ugh. Dating sucks sometimes. A lot of the time.

Return to the Windy City

Once again it has been a while since I have posted, and a lot has been going on. I'm not sure whether I should have a massive info dump in this entry or just spread it across several. I guess I'll just start typing and see what happens!

I decided to respond to Ben's email, the one that he sent in response to my Happy Birthday email. I figured it would be rude not to. However, I kept it very short and didn't ask any questions of my own. Pretty much just "Work's going fine. Going to Chicago later this week. Thanks for asking." I'm just not ready to start dialogue with him. I broke radio silence to wish him happy birthday, but now it's time to go quiet again.

Chicago was fun. It was the second time I went. As you may recall, the first time I went to Chicago I had not yet begun dating, and I used the opportunity to go to my very first gay bar. So, I was determined to go back to Boystown this time and experience it as an out gay guy. Unfortunately, I got sick starting the Monday before my trip (I left on Friday). I was much better by Friday, but still not 100%.

Day 1: Lots of travel. I flew over, then had to sit in the car for a long time on the drive from O'Hare to my hotel. Luckily the driver was super nice. He was a Romanian immigrant with quite an interesting life story. That night I explored the area around my hotel a bit and walked down to a mall called The Shops at North Bridge. I like checking out malls in different places. Not so much to shop, just to take in the atmosphere and people. A cute guy at the tea shop offered me samples. After I tried them I left, then decided to chat with him some more and asked him for a recommendation for a pizza place. I didn't get a gay vibe from him so I moved on after that. Back at my hotel I went on the dating website and decided to see if I could use the broadcast function to find some new local friends to hang out with during my time in the city. I ended up getting three responses (all Asian guys oddly enough, I'm not sure whether it was coincidence, whether I tend to attract Asians, or whether they are more friendly on average, haha) I went to bed pretty early in order to try to kick the rest of my cold.

Day 2: My only full day all to myself with no work commitments. I took the metro up to Hollywood Beach, which is Chicago's gay beach, to meet up with the first guy from the dating site and his friend. They were both very nice. I thought his friend was quite cute, and he had a bit of a Southern accent and a very fast way of talking that enhanced the effect. We hung out at the beach for a bit and got acquainted, then we left. I went back with my new friend to his place so he could shower and change (no, no funny business, haha). After that we met the Southern guy again to have dinner and then go drinking. My new friends were quite the drinkers, haha. I didn't drink quite as much as them, for which I am very glad. I still consumed several shots and my head was spinning afterward. We spent some time at a bar where we danced quite a bit and chatted with a group of girls that were out celebrating a birthday. We then ended up at a dance club in Boystown. It was super packed, with poor visibility due to all the fog. At one point my friend (the one from the dating site) disappeared. I assumed he would be right back, that he had just gone to the restroom. But he didn't return. Me and the Southern guy danced for a bit, including me doing a little grinding (good times, lol). Then he took off too, presumably to look for his friend. He didn't return either. I started texting the first guy, with no response. Eventually, after a half hour of wondering through the club looking for them, it was getting really late and I decided just to call it a night and go back to the hotel. I wasn't too pissed about getting ditched, but things would have been different had I been more intoxicated or if I wasn't already familiar with how to get back to the hotel from Boystown. Bless my sense of direction!

Day 3: I woke up with a bit of a headache, and stayed in bed until about noon. That's no way to start a day in Chicago! I hoped that my night of drinking hadn't suppressed my immune system to the point that I would suffer a relapse of my cold. Luckily that didn't happen. The dating site dude finally responded to me, apologizing for having not responded to my texts the night before. Turns out he went home. He would later tell me that it is a habit of his when drunk to vanish and go home without telling anybody. That . . . could be problematic someday. After I got up, drank a lot of water, ate, and took some headache medicine, I felt better. I decided to walk around outside. My hotel was near the Navy Pier, so I walked over by that area. A sign for the architecture river tour caught my eye. A coworker who used to live in Chicago had encouraged me to go on that tour. So I decided to do so. I had my doubts at first . . . the sun was hot and there was no cover on the boat. Ultimately I loved the experience though. The tour guide was great, the views were awesome and I learned a lot about all the different skyscrapers in Chicago. Architecture isn't usually one of my interests, but the guide managed to make it fascinating. That night there was a reception and dinner for work, which I attended. I just stayed in my room afterward, since work meetings the next day would start very early.

Day 4: Most of the day was taken up by meetings. In the late afternoon I met up with the second guy from the dating site. He was very nice. We went to a coffee place to chat. I found him to be much more low key than the first guy. A bit closer to my temperament. We ended up talking about our experiences with relationships. He had a pretty hurtful breakup not long ago too. I informed him that my plan for the night was to go to Roscoe's, the very first gay bar I'd ever gone to, for their live band karaoke night. That was what had most enticed me back in the fall of 2011, and I was determined to go back and maybe even sing this time. He agreed to go with me. We walked down to Michigan Avenue and the Magnificent Mile before I needed to return to my hotel for dinner. After dinner I took the metro up to Boystown and met my friend at the bar. It took a while for the crowd to build up at Roscoe's, but eventually there were a fair number of guys. Some were very good singers! I studied the song list for something I could sing. My voice wasn't yet 100% recovered from my cold, so I didn't want to pick something too ambitious.

My first inclination was to sing "Suffragette City" by David Bowie. Since I envisioned my trip to the bar as a sort of "coming full circle," I thought picking a symbolic song might be good too. When I was with Ben, our karaoke song of choice was "Under Pressure," a duet by Freddie Mercury and David Bowie. I always sang the David Bowie part. Therefore, I thought it might be therapeutic to sing a Bowie solo song. After all, Bowie doesn't need Mercury to be awesome. However, it being in front of a live band and all, I just didn't feel like I knew the Bowie song well enough to attempt it. Instead, I chose to sing "Hey Jealousy" by the Gin Blossoms. That song always brings me back to the 90s, and I figured the range would be doable even in my slightly congested state. My performance went well! I think I jumped the gun a few times while singing, skipping parts and what not, but the band was great at compensating. Afterward I walked across the bar back to my seat, noticing that no one complimented me. I thought that was odd. I had been making it a habit of complimenting guys whose performance I liked as they walked by me. It gave me the impression that the bar was a bit cliquish. My friend complimented me though. He said I sounded just like the singer of the Gin Blossoms. I appreciated that.

Once intermission hit we decided to check out another bar, Sidetrack. They were having a showtune night. It seemed like a pretty neat bar. Very large and very crowded. Showtunes were playing on big screens and so many guys were really getting into them! The only one that I got excited about was "Circle of Life," haha. After that we called it a night. My friend had driven, so he was kind enough to drive me back to my hotel so I didn't have to do the metro/walk combo so late at night.

Day 5: Another meeting, which got out mid-afternoon. I decided to repeat one of my favorite parts of my previous trip to Chicago: renting a bike and riding up the bike path along Lake Michigan. By this day I was feeling almost back to normal. The weather had been great up to this point, but by now the humidity I had been expecting was finally starting to show its face. I biked all the way up to the gay beach, then cut west into Andersonville. I had lunch at a Mediterranean restaurant, then rode through town a ways. I managed to locate Boystown (I swear, that's the part of Chicago I'm most familiar with now, haha), then went east to return to the bike path. I had texted my first friend from the dating site (the one who had pulled the Houdini act at the club) to see if he and the Southern guy might want to join me for a show at the IO improv theater, since they had expressed interest before. Plus, I wanted to see the Southern guy again. By the time I returned the bike to Navy Pier I was running short on time. I had to skip a shower and ended up taking a cab up to Wrigleyville, where the IO theater is located. My dating site friend joined me, but unfortunately the Southern guy did not. The show was good, very funny. Afterward we walked over to Boystown, which is very close by, so that I could grab some food. While I ate we chatted a bit. The guy wants to move to So Cal at some point in the near future to pursue his career. Once I was done we parted ways and I made my way back to the hotel.

Day 6: Departure. No trip to O'Hare Airport is complete without a flight delay. I ended up arriving at my layover location, Houston, right when my connecting flight was leaving. The airline compensated me with a $10 food coupon for the food court (hey big spender!) and put me on the next available flight, which was several hours later. I made a new friend, a long haired guy who was also on the same connecting flight. We stuck together to figure out where we needed to go, then went our separate ways until departure time. I really enjoy meeting new people!

Throughout all the day to day events of Chicago, I was a bit varied in my emotional state. At times I felt very lonely. After all, the last time I had gone on a work trip to a big city I had a significant other to accompany me. My loneliness even led me to do the unthinkable (for me): download Grindr. I think part of it was also because once again the sexuality doubts were creeping into my mind. I wanted to take a look at guys in the area to see if any were particularly attractive to me. And perhaps . . . make use of my big, lonely hotel room for some further experimentation. Well, that didn't end up happening, but I did chat with some guys and even got a boner picture sent to me, haha.

One unexpected occurrence during my trip: I got a text from a guy that I had chatted with over several months on OkCupid and email. Several months before he had gotten into a relationship, but was still interested in meeting up to be friends. Well, he texted me with a simple, "Cal, I need advice." "Uh oh," I thought. "What could this be about?" Turns out he had just been dumped from his first relationship. He remembered that I had gone through something similar and wanted any advice I had on how to get through the misery. My heart went out to him. I remembered vividly how it was the first couple of days, and weeks. Heck, it was six months ago and I still have much healing to do. I texted him some advice and suggested we could meet up upon my trip to LA the following weekend.

Alright, that is more than enough for one entry. Still lots to discuss, including my recent bouts with some fairly bad depression (for me), a fun birthday weekend in LA which included a visit with an old friend, and the date that I just came back from a little while ago tonight. Suffice it say for now that it went VERY well! :-)

Until next time!

New prospect perhaps?

Hi all!

I'm in a pretty good mood right now. I had a first date with a new guy tonight and it went really well. We talked for three hours. He's really cute and nice (one of the most attractive guys I've gone out with), great sense of humor, smart, lives close by, and shares some interests with me. He also seems interested in me, as he was the one to make first contact afterward (he texted me to say he hopes we can hang out again sometime). I have a feeling this isn't the last time I'll be writing about him, so I'll assign him a name. Let's call him Nick. He's only been living in SoCal since the fall, so there's still a lot he has yet to do or see. Perhaps I can be the one to show him around? :-)

Latest dating exploits

It's been an interesting weekend so far.

Friday night I met up with a guy that I've been corresponding with for quite some time. We ate at a really good Italian restaurant and had a good conversation. He's really nice and fun. A little bit on the fem side, but he's quite good looking and we have some things in common. I look forward to seeing him again. He lives pretty close and actually grew up in the area. The most interesting revelation: his best friend is the sister of one of the guys who bullied me in high school. So if I were to date this guy, chances are I'd eventually see that jerk again, haha.

After the date I was getting ready for bed when I got a text from Brody. He was going out dancing at a bar where a guy he knows was DJing, and wanted me to go with him. By then it was already 11 PM and I'm not usually one for such spontaneity, but I decided to go. It was pretty fun. However, Brody threw up some red flags by the end of the night. Through his interactions with some of the people at the bar it became apparent to me that he can be a bit oblivious to social cues, such as when someone is not in the mood to talk. This was further confirmed after we left the bar, when we were talking in his car. By then it was very late, going on 3 in the morning. I was very tired, and dropped a couple hints about wanting to head home. Despite this, Brody still continued to talk.

When we got back to my place finally, it was approaching 4. I am not a late night owl. I get stressed out when I'm up that late. Brody asked if he could use my bathroom before going home, and I said sure. What's the harm? Just a quick in and out. He came in and went in the bathroom. Ten minutes later he was still in there. I listened through the door and heard the water running. At this point I was getting very anxious. What was going on in there? Was he sick? Finally I knocked on the door, and Brody said I could come in. I opened the door . . . and Brody was cleaning the sink and the counter top. I asked him if he had been sick. He said no, he was just a little OCD and decided to clean since the sink and counter were quite dirty. This is at 4 in the morning, mind you. Here I am, waiting to go to bed until Brody has left, and he takes it upon himself to clean the bathroom. I was quite flabbergasted. I told him I was waiting to use the bathroom. He said I could go ahead and use it, he promised not to look. I brought in some paper towels since he had been using toilet paper. After he had used them a bit he asked for me to put them away or else he would continue cleaning. Oh my God, I thought to myself. He wasn't kidding about the OCD thing. I told him he really didn't have to do this, that it was very late. He responded that a "thank you" would have been nice. I told him I appreciated him doing what he did, but it was very late and I needed to go to bed. Finally, he took off.

We had previously made plans to meet up on Saturday, so we did. I took this opportunity to express my discomfort with his behavior the night before. He explained to me that doing "random acts of kindness" is his thing. I told him that even with kind acts there is an appropriate time and place, and I felt that he had crossed the line by keeping me up at 4 in the morning to clean the bathroom without telling me what he was doing. He seemed to think I was making a mountain out of a molehill, but I told him that it had bothered me and I felt I needed to be up front about this. I think I will have to approach friendship with Brody much like I have with my friend Tom. With patience and caution.

Other than that, our conversation was good. He definitely relates to my more companionship-centered view of relationships. He even described himself as asexual at one point. How perfect that would be if it weren't for his other idiosyncrasies. At this point I will (cautiously) pursue friendship with him, but I don't really think he's what I'm looking for romantically. He's just too much on a different wavelength.

Last night the guy I met up with a few weekends ago in LA came down to my neck of the woods to have dinner with me. He's a nice guy, but I don't think the attraction is there for me. I do think he likes me though. Of course. Reciprocity is so hard to find.

The guy I went out with last week (the one who owns his own business) has placed me in the Friend Zone. I texted him to see if he wanted to meet up again sometime. He said that would be great, but he sees us more as friends. That's fine, I'm just glad he didn't use the words "chemistry" or "spark."

So bottom line, I've been keeping busy meeting guys. I'm still confused though. I've definitely learned a lot about myself. I'm still frustrated by how hard it is to find mutual interest. Guys that like me I'm not into, and guys I like aren't into me. I guess that's pretty common. I still occasionally wonder what it would be like to give girls a try. I still wonder whether I would find "chemistry" more often if I was more sexually driven. I wonder whether I shouldn't just focus on career and give up on being proactive in trying to find a relationship. I wonder whether I get too invested in relationships and should just focus on myself. I wonder why sexuality has to be so freaking complicated. I wonder what it was about Ben that made me fall for him so much, and why I can't find that again. After all, he was the SECOND guy I ever went out with. Now I've gone out with more than 20 and he's STILL the only one that had that effect on me. WTF?

Filling the weekends

Hi y'all,

It's been my goal to keep the weekends as full as possible (as you could probably tell since the last two entries were weekend-centric, haha). So far I've been quite successful.

This past weekend started in my neck of the woods and then moved to LA for various fun times. First on Friday, I met up with a new guy. He runs his own business in the area. Very cute (one of the cutest I've met), and good conversation (not to mention the restaurant he picked was excellent!). I'm not sure what he thought of me, so I'll probably text him again midweek to check in. Afterward I caught up virtually with my cousin Gavin. He is the oldest of the three brothers (the other two being Roger and Brad, gosh it's getting hard to keep these fake names straight . . . I"m going to have to create a guide, haha). We played some online video games and chatted. He lives on the East Coast and was the cousin I was closest to growing up. Now that he's so far away I've actually become closer to the other two, but I still enjoy keeping in touch with him. He's been the initiator in a breakup before so he's had an interesting perspective to hear over the past couple months.

On Saturday I met up with Brody for the second time. He's the one who was the big talker when I first met him. I feel like we had a more balanced conversation this time. He's an interesting guy. Super nice and genuine. I can also tell that he values relationships like I do, from some of the stories and perspectives he shared with me. We also discovered a really cool restaurant that I'd like to go back to sometime. As usual I ended up hanging out with him a lot longer than I expected. At the end we talked about some future activities we could plan. He's also huge into music, so he wants me to bring my guitar down to the beach sometime. Sounds like a fun time to me! He was also telling me about how cool San Diego is, particularly the "gay area" of Hillcrest. I suggested we take a day trip down there some time so he could show me around. He was excited by the idea.

Immediately after we parted ways I jumped in my car to make it up to LA and meet my friends Nina and Walter at a show in North Hollywood. It was at a small independent theater that I'd been to before (with Ben, ugh . . . we really got around). The show was bizarre. It was a horror-themed show. Imagine if you could peer into someone's nightmares with a remote control in hand to change the channels. That's what it was like. Interesting, disturbing . . . not sure I'd see it again but it was a good experience. Would be excellent on Halloween. Afterward we went to a bar to hang out. The girls in the group were at a gay bar, but being among a bunch of straight guys the majority opinion was to go to a nearby Tiki Bar instead. The girls eventually joined us. Nina had been scoping out the crowd for me of course, haha. I spent the time chatting with a friend of a friend who was extremely hot. Straight of course, but a really cool guy. The night ended at the apartment of one of the guys in the group. Nina took this opportunity to have me try on some shirts that she'd brought for me (it is her mission to hot me up, haha). So I put on a little fashion show for her, her friend, and her boyfriend. Oh man, did those girls like the shirts. They were both quite tipsy, and they could barely keep their hands off of me. They definitely boosted my self esteem (and added evidence to my lack of attraction for girls, lol)!

I spent the night at Roger's place in LA. My friend Walter did too, because unfortunately his car got towed. I had to get up early to take him to pick it up (also there were guys who came to Roger's to remodel the bathroom) so I only got four hours of sleep. After I had breakfast with Walter I returned to Roger's and spent time with him. I helped him deal with a complicated roommate situation (long story) and then we went to the gym. We had a great workout. Roger has a pretty great physique, he works out religiously and has a strict diet. He's interested in modeling, though he doesn't have much experience and doesn't quite have the looks for it (not that he's ugly, just doesn't really have the "pretty boy" thing going on). It was nice having a workout buddy again. I only do bench press with the barbells if I have a spotter. While at the gym we saw a guy who Roger was convinced was the fitness model Greg Plitt. I'm not quite convinced, but he was incredibly buff whoever he was.

Finally, we got together with Lance to have dinner and see a movie. I wanted to see the Oz movie, but once again my gay preferences got overruled, haha. We saw "Olympus Has Fallen," which my mom had recommended to me. It was alright, just rather unoriginal. It was basically "Die Hard" set in the White House.

Today my sleep deprivation caught up to me. I had to go into work early so I was quite tired, and then ended up leaving early due to some weird indigestion. I rarely have stomach issues these days, so it caught me off-guard (I blame that damn breakfast sandwich from the snack cart!) I came home around 2, fell asleep and didn't wake up until after 6. After dinner I chatted with a new guy on the phone for an hour. Really nice dude. We have similar interests, he has a great sense of humor, and he lives close by. We might try to meet up Friday.

So, to summarize where I'm at . . . I'm keeping busy, making a lot of new friends and acquaintances, going on dates. I've met up with about 20 guys now since I first entered the dating scene early 2012. As for potential relationships . . . well, it's too soon to tell. I'm not in a hurry to start another one. Brody is really cool. I don't feel quite as into him at this stage as I did with Ben, but I don't want to make that experience the rule. I am open to seeing where things go. At the very least I see him as being good friend material. Other than him there's the new guy I spoke to today and the one I met on Friday night. Both are cute, nice, and good conversationalists. Then a couple others that are farther away . . . the guy from LA a few weekends ago and various others who I haven't met up with yet. I'd definitely prefer to date someone closer this time around. As cool as it was to explore LA so much in my first relationship, it limited the amount of time we could spend together (and made for a lot of drive time and gas money).

This weekend I plan to visit a gay couple that I've become friends with over the last couple months. That should be cool. I also have some friends visiting from the bay area, so a bunch of us might get together with them.

The day I really need to plan something for is Cinco de Mayo. Janice and I are going to go to a conference on May 4th, but I really want to keep myself SUPER busy on the 5th. Last year the 5th was one of the best days of my life and I want this year to give it a run for its money. Obviously it likely won't compete as far as life importance, but as far as amount of fun I think it's worth a shot. As for Operation: Friend Zone, that will have to wait until after the 5th. I don't want to deal with that until our would-have-been 1 year anniversary is past.

Better living through chemistry

Okay, get ready because this entry is a monster. I tried not to censor myself too much, so it gets a little depressing. I do try to end it on a more positive note, though.

Well, there's always that dark side to getting back into dating after a break-up. The risk of further rejection. I texted Kenny today about the prospect of going hiking on Sunday as we discussed. His response: "Hey man, you seem like a really nice and caring guy, but I've met someone else that I think I have better chemistry with, so I'm going to have to bail on Sunday."

Fucking chemistry!!! These people have no patience for relationship building, all they want is instant gratification! It's not my fault that it takes me a while to really open up and get comfortable with somebody! Well, even then I fail at chemistry. But let's not beat that dead horse.

Speaking of which, guess who I'm planning to get together with for dinner on Sunday? No, not him . . . None other than the infamous Jake the Australian. The poster child for the "no spark" text message rejection, haha. Not a date or anything. I emailed him since it had been a while and he suggested we meet up. Really nice guy, that Jake. I haven't seen him since we saw "Cabin in the Woods" together nearly a year ago. We've emailed back and forth a bit since then, and he had mentioned getting together so he could meet Ben, but that never materialized. It will be good to see him again. We've both had breakups since then, although his was after only 3 months (and was incidentally another guy I went out with from that dating website, small world).

Now that Kenny is out of the picture, I only have a couple of prospects. One is a really nice guy that I have been corresponding with for quite some time. I'll call him Jeff. He seems really cool, the only major downside is since he's not out at work (he's a teacher) he didn't have a face pic up. Hopefully I'll find him attractive when we meet. I guess this will be a test of how shallow I am, haha.

Another guy I've been corresponding with is Nathan. I'm a little wary about him though. Number one, he's 33, the other end of my acceptable age range. Number two, he texts me a lot. Which wouldn't be all that bad if he had something to say. Problem is it's a constant barrage of "good morning", "how are you", "how was your night", followed by fairly undescriptive answers when I ask him back That's been going on for a while, without him making an attempt to coordinate a meet up. Finally I texted back "So . . . we've been texting for quite a while. Did you want to meet up or something?" Ha ha, a little blunt of me, but it was getting a little irritating. I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, though. Someone's gotta be willing to do that sometimes.

One or two other people that I've conversed with a bit on the dating website, but the conversation is limited. And the one who seems the most interested also lives quite far away. Like, farther than Ben. Which I'd rather not do.

I'd love to report that my mind is in a better place. It's not. I'd love to say that the dating I've been doing has been helping me move on from Ben. It's not. In fact I'd say today I felt just about the worst I've felt. The last several guys that I've messaged, some of whom I really seemed to have a good amount in common with, never responded. After getting rejected by Kenny for the same old tired reason and browsing more profiles on the dating website, I was feeling really down on myself. My career is stalled while all of these other guys my age are either in or graduated from professional or grad school. I took so freaking long to decide what I want to do (and am still wavering a bit) that now I feel totally behind the pack. Now, I know a dating profile is obviously going to be painted with a very rosy brush (heck, I remember when I first read Ben's profile . . . a teacher who loves his job? not quite . . . not to mention the whole straight thing now). But still, everyone just seems so confident. I was well on my way to building such confidence with Ben, but now that's been shattered. I also am, for the first time since meeting Ben, resenting my sexuality. And I don't just mean the low sex drive part. I mean the affinity for guys. Ben had me not only accepting, but being proud to be in a gay relationship. Not just because I loved him so much, but because he was someone that I could talk to about hot guys I saw. Someone I could discuss gay rights with. Now a part of me wishes I could take all that coming out crap back. My happiness with him was the only reason I was able to do it in the first place. Not having the drive to have sex makes me feel like a pretender going out with guys, and I'm sure I would feel just as much of a pretender going out with girls. So if I have to fake it regardless, why not just fake it with girls? But if I tried to date girls now I would find myself with the same uphill battle that Ben is facing. What girl would date a guy who just got out of a gay relationship?

The other reason I'm down is I realize I'm still so hung up on Ben. I can't get it out of my head how happy I was, and how happy he was at the beginning. And this makes me question whether all of those people are right. I was so determined to prove the naysayers wrong, to show that you can have a friendship with an ex after being dumped . . . well I have hope it will happen eventually. I just fear it will be a lot longer than I wanted. Which sucks because I could really use all of the close friends I can get now. He arguably became my best friend over the course of the last year, but now I can't so much as text him without making him freak out. Plus, doing so would violate the sacred Rules of Getting Over a Break-Up. Though I do value what we had, and I am glad that I've actually had a relationship now, and I did learn a lot . . . part of me wishes that I hadn't gotten greedy. That I had just accepted it when he rejected me the first time. Because if I can only have one or the other I think I would rather have a lifelong friend than an eight month relationship.

Okay, two paragraphs of doom and gloom. I hate being that guy. No one will want to read this blog anymore if I'm too much of a Debbie Downer, haha. So . . . things to be thankful for!

I am thankful for my friendship with Tom. I had dinner with him earlier this evening. We talked about the way I'm feeling about the break up, and how I feel like it had more to do with Ben's psychological and emotional issues rather than any real incompatibility or lack of chemistry between us. I spoke about my jealousy of a couple of my gay friends, who have managed to find lasting relationships while mine fizzled. Tom was very understanding. He went through a very tough breakup back in 2009, and I was there to witness the aftermath. It wasn't pretty. He gave me very encouraging words and advice. He's definitely won me over lately. I used to be on the fence about him. Basically felt a major emotional asymmetry in our friendship that I long felt guilty for (Ben dared to throw this at me during our last conversation, cheap shot). Now I feel like I've connected with him in a way that I was never able to before. Maybe my heartbreak gives us that one more thing in common we needed, haha.

I am thankful for my friendship with Janice. I had dinner with her the other night. She also spoke about her previous break up, and how long it took her to get over (well, she's still not entirely over it). She also made me feel better about Ben's behavior. She acknowledged that his email was a bit rude, but she pointed out that he didn't know whether my limited attempts at contact were the start of a barrage. I told her he should know me better than that. Her response: "He doesn't know Break-Up Cal." Touche. So, my anger at the email has faded.

I am thankful for my relationships with all the other people that have helped me through this time. My mom, my cousins, my friends Rick, Philip, Lance and Nina, You-Tube Guy, El Genio and the other bloggers who read this and leave advice (especially fan of casey, your words of wisdom never fail to make me feel better and I thank you for that), penpal Mike . . . the list goes on. Even when worries surface that I will be alone, I can think of all of the love and support I have in my life and feel a little less lonely.

I will leave you with a Dr. Seuss quote that penpal Mike emailed me: "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." I will try.

Live to rise

This post titled in honor of "The Avengers" and its song, "Live to Rise," the first new song by Soundgarden since the mid-90s!!

I suppose it should also mean something . . . . perhaps my attempts to change my outlook on life and rise to new opportunities and challenges? Sure, that works.

I just got back from seeing "The Avengers," and it was really good. Any movie that has both Chris Hemsworth and Chris Evans in it has got to be though, haha. Just add Chris Pine and you'd have a triple threat of Hot Chris.

My three friends I went to see it with were Tom, Rick, and Philip, all of whom I have mentioned previously. They are the three close straight male friends that know about me. This is the first time I have hung out with all three of them since my secret was revealed. It was mostly like old times. Them talking about girls, me zoning out, haha. At one point Tom asked me about the movie and how I liked Chris Hemsworth in it. I said both were good. It kind of felt weird though. This was the first time I really felt like "the gay one." Because that's pretty much what I am now. Even though I didn't come out to anyone as saying "I'm gay" (rather "I'm figuring things out" or "I'm dating guys" or something along those lines) it's pretty apparent what the consensus is. Which makes me the one who still can't seem to come to terms enough to just identify that way. So afraid to close a door.

Meanwhile I'm feeling conflicted about the dating I'm doing. There's at least two guys who are into me and want to meet up again (including the one from Monday who emails me every day even though we've met just once so far, which makes me a little leery). However, I can't seem to get my mind off of Ben, and it makes it hard to maintain interest in anyone else. He's coming to town tomorrow to hang out, and I'm looking forward to it, but at the same time I'm trying to figure out what my next step should be.

On the one hand, there's the "go with the flow" advice that has largely come from you guys (and thanks again for all the advice).

On the other hand, there's my friend Janice, who suggested that if I stay in the Friend Zone for too much longer there may be no escaping it. She figures Ben should know by now whether he's interested in me or not, so I should make a move or risk losing the possibility of a romantic relationship.

That and a certain career-related step approaching in two weeks (alright, it's the MCAT, I signed up to take the MCAT) mean the pressure's starting to cook again.

I guess I'll just go with the flow tomorrow and look for any signs. If the right moment comes, it will come. This may be the last time I see Ben for nearly a month though. I'm taking the test in the Midwest and then going on a roadtrip with my parents, not to return until the end of the month.

We'll see if I can rise to the challenge.

Helter skelter

I've got blisters on me fingers!!! Ha ha.

Helter Skelter by The Beatles is a fun, high energy song. It is also rather tough to sing. Why I decided to sing it at my first ever karaoke experience is beyond me :-)

Yep, I tried karaoke last night. I went with Ben and his friends. Had a blast! And I got so many compliments about my singing (including from Ben, who is a very good singer himself) that I was really on Cloud 9. One girl apparently commented that at first I seemed really shy, but having the microphone in hand really made me come out of my shell. Honestly walking in I had no idea what it was going to be like. But something just made me open up and let loose. Maybe it was seeing Ben do it and wanting to impress him? :-) Who knows. In any case it was great fun, and I look forward to doing it again. I also made a new guitar jamming buddy in Ben's roommate, so that's cool. I won't be coming to Ben's neck of the woods again for a while, but he offered to come down to my area next weekend! Ahh he's so cool. Whoa teenage schoolgirl mode deactivate . . . okay I'm better.

In other news I had a lunch date with Guy # 9 today. He's a scientist, so we had a lot to talk about. It sounds like he had a bit of a quarter life crisis as well (in fact a number of the guys I've dated opened up about that), which made me feel a lot better about mine, haha. At one point he complimented me about how I seemed "natural" in comparison to some guys he has dated, who came across as very nervous. Honestly I'm surprising myself about how non-nervous I've been on these dates.

I talked to Philip on the phone for the first time since I came out to him. After telling him about my karaoke experience he brought up the idea of doing a double date, haha! I told him I'm in the Friend Zone now, I'll have to get upgraded before we start talking about double dating.

Over my head

This dating thing gets crazy sometimes.

Earlier this week I felt a little inundated with messages on OKCupid. At one point it seemed like no sooner did I finish replying to one message that another would come. It has calmed down now, I don't know what the heck was going on.

Then one guy I had been corresponding with IMed me. He seemed like a pretty nice guy. At one point he mentioned how he wanted to crawl into bed, and I agreed that that sounded good. Of course that opened the door to him being a little more directly flirtatious, and he suggested I join him. Throughout the conversation it kept going back to that. I was pretty honest with him about how inexperienced I am. Having been burned by that with Ben I was half expecting the same thing. Instead it just seemed to make this guy more interested. He said my virginity made him respect me more. I don't know, seems to me like this guy would like to be the one to deflower this little virgin, haha. But I'm not quite ready for that . . . call me old fashioned but I'd like to wait for someone I actually have feelings for.

Meanwhile while chatting with him I got another IM from some random guy in Maryland who has eventual plans to move to So Cal. It was late so I had to cut that conversation short, but before I logged off he asked if he could have my Facebook or Skype name. Really dude? I suggested we just stick to the website for now. Kinda weird.

On the other hand there's quite a few guys I'm corresponding with that I think are cute and seem interesting, so we'll see where that goes. They all live kind of far though. Tonight I went out with Guy # 8, who lives pretty close. The physical attraction wasn't too high (honestly I haven't really been too attracted to anyone I've gone out with other than Ben, am I too picky?) but we got along great. Our conversation probably ranked near the top of the first dates so far. One interesting development: this guy used to date Aaron. For six months. When he mentioned Aaron's name I tried my best to keep a poker face and he didn't notice. Apparently this guy ended up breaking up with Aaron because he got too needy and clingy. Interesting. And I'm going hiking with Aaron this weekend, which will be the third time we meet up. I was already thinking of giving him the "friend talk" and I think this revelation might just seal the deal. Just need to figure out how to do it. Maybe I should ask Ben for pointers, haha.

Really I just can't stop thinking about Ben and how much I enjoyed spending Sunday with him. I really need to open my mind to other guys because it ain't gonna happen with him, at least, not anytime soon.

In other news, I'm going to meet up with Jake for the first time since the "no spark" text. We're going to go see a movie this weekend. I talked to him on the phone the other night, which was nice. We had communicated so intensely for that 2 1/2 weeks that it was quite strange to just mostly cut off contact after that.

Also, I talked to my longtime friend who is gay and told him about my dating exploits. He was completely surprised, and very impressed. He said I've dated more guys than he has!

Yeah, I'm feeling kind of overwhelmed right now. I have Aaron and another guy who are interested in me, and now this guy from tonight has already texted me wanting to meet up again. I wish I felt more of a connection to one of them, more than just a friend connection. If it weren't for Ben I would be totally questioning this whole gay thing right about now. Oh well, just gotta keep chugging.

Double whammy of music today. I guess a lot of people get in over their heads.

Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy

Why the song of the day? Because it's been stuck in my head for a week and I'm feeling pretty good about the whole "gay thing" right now, haha.

Why? Well I had a great weekend in Los Angeles, during which I did two things relevant to my on-going journey.

On Saturday night I met up with blogger friend El Genio (thanks again man!) and one of his friends to hit West Hollywood. This time I was able to stay out much later so I got to see three different gay bars, including the famous Abbey. While I didn't interact with anyone outside of the group, I was totally fine in those surroundings (and no creepy old guys coming onto me this time). Also, I enjoyed the eye candy at The Abbey. There were really buff male dancers showing off their moves. I asked myself, "Would you prefer it if they were women?" and the clear answer was "No." I also became a bit more familiar with the layout of WeHo, due to accidentally parking several blocks away from where I was supposed to meet EG. So, next time I won't be as nervous about where I'm going to park.

Sunday was great. I met up with Ben for our first "friend date." We hiked in Griffith Park, the huge park in Los Angeles. It was beautiful! I'd never been there before, and was amazed at how sprawling and pretty it was. Great views of the city and the Hollywood sign. We ate at a cafe in the park, in a very "campgroundesque" area. We also visited the Observatory, which was really cool. We talked the whole time, and I must say at the end of the day I found myself liking him even more than before. Having this not be a date took a lot of the pressure off, so maybe I was more comfortable. In any case I'm excited to have him as a friend. I'm definitely open to more down the road if he ever changes his mind about the experience thing, and/or if he feels the same way. If not, it is what it is. I'm just glad to have met him.

I also emailed Jake to see how he's doing. He emailed back a really nice message and expressed interest in meeting up and catching a movie again sometime. So, it looks like I've made two really good friends via the online dating. Not too shabby!

Meanwhile I got quite a few of messages over the weekend on one of the sites, several of which were from guys that I thought were quite attractive and interesting. Ego boost! We will see how that goes.

Forecast for the week: Wednesday having dinner with my gay actor friend, and plan to finally fill him in on my dating exploits. Thursday going on a date with a new guy. I'm not sure about him . . . he was in a 10-year relationship with a guy starting when he was 18 and is thus now pretty new to dating. However, he's not out and he says his parents are pretty much in denial about his sexuality. Sounds like possible drama to me but I'll give him a chance. This weekend I'll probably go hiking again, this time with Aaron. I wish I was into him more . . . I'm not quite sure what it is. Maybe no "spark," haha. Well, depending on how the hike goes maybe I'll give my very first "friends" speech.

The spark

Hey all,

So, yesterday was the big day, the much-anticipated meeting with Jake!!

And just like that, the saga is over.

He's a really nice guy, and despite having gone through so many topics of discussion in the last two weeks we still managed to sustain conversation all the way through lunch. After that we saw a movie ('Wanderlust' with Paul Rudd and Jennifer Aniston, two of my biggest crushes from 'Friends'). However, I wasn't sure I felt the right kind of connection with him. I knew I liked him, but I wasn't sure if he could be more than just a friend. Still, I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and go out again, in case it was just the awkwardness of it being our first encounter.

Apparently he didn't think that was necessary. I texted him today to see if he wanted to meet up again. He responded rather late, having not gotten off of work until 9:30. Basically he said he didn't feel a spark, but wished me the best and suggested we could be friends and I could teach him to play guitar sometime.

Even though I didn't feel much of a spark either, it still hurt a bit to be rejected (and this is the first time anyone's ever done it explicitly). I still am plagued by the doubts of whether it's even possible for me to feel said "spark" with a guy, a girl, or anybody. I know the spark is not something you can ignite at will, it's either there or it's not. Still, after our lengthy correspondence that went so well I was a little dejected that one date was enough for him to decide the spark wasn't there.  What do you guys think, should you be able to clearly feel the spark on the first date and if not, move on? Or should you give someone a chance if they seem nice and interesting enough (like I was willing to do)?

Anyways, so after the plot just thickened last week, now it has thinned back out. However, there's still Ben. After the date with Jake I called him. He sounded happy to hear from me. We chatted for a while and I proposed that I come to Los Angeles this weekend and spend the weekend with my cousin so that we could hang out on his turf rather than meeting halfway. He liked the idea, and even invited me to go out with him and his friends for St. Patrick's Day, if I was comfortable with that. I politely declined--I'm not quite ready for that, not on the second date with a guy--and instead suggested we do something with just us. His idea: a hike, followed by grabbing some food. I thought it was a cool idea. Unlike a movie a hike would give us ample time to get to know each other in a setting other than staring at each other across a table while stuffing our faces (though we'll do that too). And who knows, maybe if we click well enough on the hike I'll end up going out with the gang for St. Paddy's. Any thoughts?

So that's where I stand. Ben has some things going for him: he's attractive (honestly I was more physically attracted to him than Jake), friendly, has good taste in music, loves traveling and writing, is academically oriented, and seems like a caring guy. Potential obstacles: well, the distance for one. Also, unlike Jake he doesn't know how new I am at this (nor do I know how new he is . . . try saying that five times fast). I'm not sure whether he'd have a problem with me being just barely out, or me being completely inexperienced with dating and sex. Not to mention my uncertainty about my sexuality, but we won't go there, haha.

I talked to YouTube Guy today and he mentioned how exhausting dating can be on the psyche. I think I know what he means.

The plot thickens

Hey everyone,

So, tomorrow's the big meet-up with Jake, at long last. I talked to him for quite a while on the phone today. We're planning to meet up for lunch at a Greek restaurant and maybe see a movie afterward. I remember him mentioning a fondness for this one dessert place so I might suggest that as well. Apparently today he talked to his family back home over Skype, and he mentioned me!

Now it gets a bit more interesting . . . I heard back from Ben. I had emailed him mid-week to say I enjoyed meeting him, and to see if he would be interested in meeting up again. After the ambiguous way the first date ended last Sunday I wasn't sure whether to expect a response. However, I knew if I did get one it would probably not be until the weekend, since he's really busy right now at work. Well sure enough, today I got an email from him. He would like to meet up again, and proposed doing so next weekend.

Looks like I have a love triangle on my hands, haha . . . just kidding. I'll take it a step at a time for now. I'll meet up with Jake and see how that goes, then respond to Ben once I have an inkling about what to expect with Jake.

When did my life turn into a friggin' soap opera . . . :-)

In other news, I talked to YouTube Guy on the phone again today. We're actually becoming pretty good long-distance friends, haha. We've been swapping stories about our experiences with dating guys. It's really cool to have a friend like that! Not to mention my online buddies that I talk to fairly often, particularly ClosetCarGuy and GDUSA. Following others' progress while sharing my own is definitely a big help!

Sunday can't come soon enough

Just a couple days until the weekend and I'll finally get to meet Jake. I am so out of my element, it's crazy. We've still been texting and emailing a lot, and being a bit flirtatious too which is totally unlike me. Well, at least unlike me until now!

The other night he texted me on my way home from work to see if I had some time to chat. When I got home I gave him a call and we ended up talking for an hour.

Things I'm liking about him:
1) He's extremely laid back and easy going, which is a trait that people I get along with well tend to have.
2) He's got a great, witty sense of humor. That's definitely a must in my book. He's a lot of fun to joke with. There's been some texts that I sent him that were pretty corny, causing me to second guess what I sent, but then he'll respond with something equally cheesy and crack me up.
3) We share a lot of common interests. We both love movies, traveling, video games, reading, and staying active. Also music, and he's got an interest in learning the guitar . . .
4) His accent. He could probably read me the index of an organic chemistry book and I'd be captivated, haha.
5) He seems to like me! It's not a one-way street with the communications. Either of us will initiate the conversation and pick up where we left off.

Today I sent him a joking message, saying I had something to do this Sunday but for the life of me couldn't remember what. He responded, saying he had the same feeling . . . then he remembered he was meeting up with a guy who 'sounds pretty hot.'

So, completely uncharted territory here. It's been fun, though. I'm trying to keep level-headed about it (key word "trying"). A huge weight off my shoulders is having two things out in the open already: my lack of having had a serious relationship before, and the fact that I am only out to a few people. Neither bothers him at all.

Just play it cool, SoCal, just play it cool . . .

Date # 2

Hello,

I had my second-ever date with a dude today. It was really cool, I liked this guy much better than the first guy I met up with. He was really good-looking and really nice, and we had a good conversation. We also have quite a bit in common: we both love travelling, we're both really into music, and we both enjoy staying in shape.  We met up at a shopping/entertainment district in Long Beach called 'The Pike.' At first I assumed we were going to have lunch, but he suggested going to a lounge first. We had drinks there and chatted for quite a while. By that time it was almost 3 and we still hadn't had lunch, so I asked where he wanted to go. He said that he actually needed to get going, because he had stuff to do. We walked back to the parking structure and before we parted ways we talked a bit more. He said he really enjoyed meeting me and thought we should do it again. The biggest road block is that we don't exactly live close to each other, but he said Long Beach was a good location to meet. We hugged and went back to our cars.

Afterward I of course (me being me) started trying to analyze the date to figure out the impression I made on him. Since I have so little dating experience it's hard to determine how much he really liked me. I was worried about how we ended up not doing lunch, but it could very well be that he had stuff to do. Then he mentioned meeting up again, but I wasn't sure whether this was a friendly kind of "yeah, we should do this again sometime" or if he really would like a second date. I figure I'll give it a couple days and maybe shoot him an email or something? He's really busy during the work week so he probably wouldn't respond until next weekend anyway.

Shortly after I got home I got a text from Jake: 'How's it going mate?'  We texted back and forth a bit. We've texted at least a little every day since the middle of last week. We're still taking a break from the emails so we can have a better conversation when we meet up (we've already covered many of the topics you would talk about in the first couple dates, haha!)

Long story short, I currently have two prospects: the guy from today (let's call him Ben) and Jake. They both seem like great guys. I know that Jake is interested, but we haven't met in person yet so I'm not sure how that will affect things. Ben's level of interest has yet to be determined.

So the current plan of action: email Ben in a couple days to see if/when he wants to meet up again.  Meet Jake this weekend and see how I like him in person. And take it from there. I just can't believe I'm only a couple weeks into dating and I've already met two guys I really like! This has caught me totally by surprise. I'm trying to temper my expectations, but we'll see.

Anyways, good night everyone!

Further out

Hi all,

It's been a very interesting week. I am trying to keep up with the "go with the flow" mentality. At the same time, what I have going on with Jake is something new and very exciting for me. We're texting pretty much every day now, even just things like "Hope you have a good day." We've talked on the phone twice now. We're actually deliberately cutting back on the emails to ensure that we don't cover too much before we meet. It's still a week before he returns. It's gonna be a long week. And I really have no idea what will happen then. Ideally we'll click, and the way I see it, at this point worst case scenario we'll just be friends. Which is cool, I always like making new friends. Best case scenario, my first relationship? We'll see.

I also just came out to another person! One of my best friends . . . well really I'd say he is my best friend (especially now!) I've known him since freshman year of high school and we've been good friends since junior year. He was my roommate freshman year of college. We've grown a lot closer over the years, and lately I've been hanging out with him about once a week. I've been working up the nerve to have "the talk" with him for several weeks now. Tonight I finally did it (though it took a while to work up to it). I told him about everything: my confusion, my anxiety and how it exacerbated my career indecision, seeing the psychologist, my worries about my sex drive, the testosterone therapy, the blog, my blog friends and pen pals, the dating website, my first gay date, and Jake. Basically the entire story thus far. His reaction was great, and it turns out one of his other friends came out to him recently too, haha. He also said that him and a couple other friends from the dorms had speculated about my sexuality "many times" before. I guess they were trying to figure out why I wasn't dating girls. My friend figured at the time that I just lacked self-confidence. Anyways, his opinion is that I should tell my dad next. I'm not too enthusiastic about that idea, but we'll see. I actually have another friend that I've recently reconnected with, and this one is gay himself, so he seems a logical choice for the next person to talk to. I've known him since elementary school and he just moved back to the area. I hung out with him a bit yesterday and met some of his friends, and a couple of them were gay too (one was smoking hot . . . but taken).

First things first, I want to see what happens with Jake. Actually, I agreed to meet up with another guy this weekend (still haven't heard from him regarding a time and place but he's extremely busy). My plan is to see how I like this guy, see how it goes with Jake next weekend and if for some reason both are viable for second dates I will decide at that point which way to proceed.

Have a good weekend everybody!!

Go with the Flow

Hey y'all,

Did quite a bit of communication by phone today.

First I called my mom, who lives out in the Midwest.
Her: "Are you calling about the tornadoes?"
Me: "What tornadoes?"
So, I hadn't checked the news yet. Apparently a series of tornadoes swept across the Midwest this morning, did a lot of damage and caused some deaths. Luckily my parents are fine.

Then, while at work, I received a text. It was from Jake! He was asking how my last improv acting class was last night. Well . . .
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Last night was fun, and a little bittersweet. But, one of my fellow students plans to open up her house to us periodically so we can continue practicing improv. In addition, after class I walked and talked with a couple friends, including 'Demetri,' the trainer friend who had apparently ditched me the other week. I had since added him on Facebook and he had sent me a friendly wall post, so I knew we were good. Honesty, he may have just not even seen me that day, I don't know. Sometimes I get a little too sensitive about how I'm perceived by others. In any case, Demetri invited me and another guy to go for a drink after class, so the three of us hung out for a while. The two of them started talking about girls and inevitably asked me whether I was dating at the moment. I just said no, not right now. No need to complicate matters, haha. I did find myself wanting to relate to them though . . . once again I could feel the doubt creep in, the wonder about whether I couldn't just make it work with a girl . . . Anyways, Demetri dropped me off at my car afterward and said to keep in touch. And I plan to. I love making new friends!
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Anyways, back to today. And no, I didn't text Jake all of that. But we did start texting back and forth for several hours, something I rarely do. At one point he said he was in between flights at the airport, so I decided to surprise him by calling him on my lunch break. Unfortunately he didn't pick up . . . turned out he was eating lunch with colleagues. But later on he called me back and we actually talked for the first time. Gotta love his accent! And he was pleased that I didn't have a feminine quality to my voice (not something he's attracted to). I couldn't talk long before I had to go back to work, but we continued texting until he had to board his flight. It'll still be another week and a half before he returns to California. That's going to be an interesting meeting . . . through all the emails, texts, and phone calls we're going to know so much about each other already, haha!

We have an interesting thing in common. I've written before about how Mike Manning's story on The Real World DC was so helpful to me. Mike is a bisexual guy who used his time in DC as his first time to really get out and explore his gay side. He's attractive, masculine, and just an all-around normal guy. Seeing him and his laid-back attitude toward sexuality definitely helped me in my journey toward coming to terms with being attracted to guys. Turns out, Jake watched that season too, and was helped in the same way!

A short while ago I talked to my youngest cousin on the phone for 2 hours. We used to have really great conversations quite often, but he's been pretty busy with work. So, it was nice to talk like old times. I opened up to him about Jake, rather apprehensively at first but then I just let it flow. I told him how I was worried that by the end of Jake's 2.5 weeks away my expectations would be so high that I would be devastated if we didn't hit it off in person. His advice: go with the flow. It's true . . . if there's one lesson to be learned from all of this, it's go with the flow. It's what I learned from Mike Manning. It's what I learned from YouTube Guy. It's what I learned from the About.com thread and my pen pal Mike. It's what I worked on improving in my improv class. Go with the flow.