Roller coaster of love

Guess I will continue the recent trend of writing a post while I'm in a relative good mood, haha. Just to mix it up from the way I usually do it.

This last week was really tough, one of the toughest in a while. Which exemplifies the roller coaster I've been on. Not tough in the sense that it was hectic or anything. Just mentally tough. I was plagued by depression and anxiety . . . the kind of anxiety that is with you the second you open your eyes in the morning. The sexuality doubts have weighed on me heavily. I have seriously been considering ways that I can get out and try going on dates with women, just to check that off the list and see how I feel. I came across a Meet Up group in LA that organizes "practice dates" for people who want to gain dating experience in a more laid back atmosphere. I'm thinking of looking at that. Once I found out about that some of my anxiety lifted. Another thing that helped was reading polls on the internet about girls and their willingness to date bi guys. There seems to be a fair number of girls out there who don't have a problem with it.

The fact that these two things (the practice dating group and the idea of dating girls not necessarily being a lost cause if you've dated guys) helped lift my mood made me realize a large part of what gets me down: lack of hope. When I feel like things are hopeless I get overwhelmed. When I go months without finding a guy that attracts me a fraction of the amount that Ben did, I get discouraged and start to peek enviously at the greener grass that is the larger heterosexual dating pool. I did a very OCD thing at the height of my worrying: I made a document in which I listed all of the prominent crushes I can remember having in my life, both girls and guys. Both totaled in the 20s, with guys having a slide edge. Then I listed the most prominent characteristics I remembered about each person, to see if one sex or the other really gave me more of an emotional feeling. Generally guys did more, especially if I factor in Lance and Ben, the only two people I can honestly say I've had feelings of love for. But some of the girls had fairly strong feelings too.

My reasoning is, since I am primarily driven by emotional attraction and not at all driven by sexual attraction, it seems like if I found the right girl I could theoretically develop strong feelings just like I did with Ben. It just seems like I would only benefit from increasing the number of prospective partners since I just don't seem all that attracted to most guys I go out with.

Also, my older cousin Gavin got engaged. His fiance, whom I still haven't met, is a fashion model that he met online. I think I partially inspired him to try online dating after my "success." I am happy for him, but I can't help but be a bit jealous.

When I felt like I was at rock bottom I opened up to my mom over the phone. She hasn't always been the most understanding when I talk about my issues, but lately she has had a lot of patience and I greatly appreciate that. She has tried to cheer me up, and instead of doing what many mothers might do and strongly encourage me to date girls, she has instead softly encouraged me to try while also cautioning me to stay true to myself. She really does want what's best for me and my happiness, even if she acknowledges it would be a lot easier for her to be open about my dating life with friends in the Midwest (gossip that she is) if I were dating girls.

As for Jared, I have been continuing to see him. He is definitely the best guy I've dated so far since Ben. He is attractive, smart, affectionate, communicative, straight-forward, and logical. But I remain on the fence with him. We've made out, and last time I saw him I went over to his place and cuddled. However, he's quite feminine, and I don't find that very attractive. Also there's just something missing. I don't have that excited feeling to see him again that I had with Ben from pretty much the very beginning. I'm wondering if I've moved too fast, since we kissed at the first date and started cuddling from the second date on.

The other major problem with Jared . . . he confided in me that he has herpes. He pegged me as the type that might shy away from dating someone who's infected. He has a lot more sexual experiences than I have. Frankly the way I feel is that if I was REALLY into a guy it might be worth the risk since with proper protection you decrease your risk of catching it. But since the other factors have me on the fence, I'm even more unsure.

For now I think I will just try to slow things down. He knows I'm not sure about proceeding, and he has expressed interest in just being friends if I am uncomfortable continuing to date him.

Meanwhile I've been corresponding with a friend of mine, the young law student whom I recently have been advising on getting through his breakup. We hung out a bit last weekend, and since then we've been talking by text every day. I had pretty much friend zoned him, and told him about EVERYTHING that's been bothering me, down to my considering going on dates with girls to broaden my options. Despite this, he has asked if I might want to go on a date sometime down the road once we have both healed more and if things don't work out with Jared or girls. I was so flattered. He is really a super sweet guy. Great sense of humor, good conversationalist, friendly and kind of cute. And I know from our conversations that we are emotionally on the same wavelength as far as our attachment styles go. So, that's on the backburner. He lives quite far away, but you never know. I'll give him a name. He shall be called Sam.

Busy three day weekend ahead. Lunch date tomorrow with a new guy that seems pretty nice. I met him on Grindr and it seems we have a lot in common. Also looks to have a pretty nice body. He cancelled on me once but has been decent about rescheduling so I don't think I have another Eric on my hands. We'll see how it goes. Then in the afternoon is a yoga class with the LGBT social group.

The improv troupe is going well. I made a tough decision this week. I'm trying to take a very impacted class at a local community college for a possible masters program I might apply to. But the scheduling came down to either the class or improv. I chose improv. I know the class may have been the better choice careerwise, but there's always next semester. And the improv troupe is the best thing that has happened to me in a while. It's an opportunity I do not wish to pass up. It has been the highlight of my week, the thing that lifts me up when I'm feeling down. I'm not in a hurry to throw it away.

Been a while, and might be another while

Two and a half months later . . .

Pretty much just two relevant events have happened since I returned from my trip.

1) I almost went on a date with a girl who messaged me online but turned out to be a little crazy and cancelled on me.

2) I kissed a girl (while drunk).

The former made me feel like I dodged a bullet. I was so desperate to continue getting dating experience that I ignored all the warning signs. Luckily she saved me the trouble. The latter event is fuzzy (for obvious reasons). I was reluctant at first, since I always wanted my first kiss to be meaningful. Unfortunately, alcohol seems to have the ability to make the mind go "Screw it." I remember doing it more because she wanted to and not because there was any real chemistry. I kind of got the impression that making out is something this girl does for fun. I wouldn't be averse to trying it again with a different girl in more sober circumstances, perhaps with real feelings involved.

Anyways, I'm obviously not feeling as gung-ho about this blog as I did at first, since it's been so long since I updated. I'm realizing more and more that my issues are something that will be hard to resolve without more life experience. I've still been seeing the counselor, but less and less and I think I might be done for now. It's been helpful to talk to someone about these and other issues, but I think the value has dwindled. If there's one thing that the counselor has tried to drive into my skull it is that I get way ahead of myself when I think about relationships. I've been afraid to even pursue a relationship with a girl because of the chance that I might someday decide that I'd rather have a relationship with a guy, even though dating someone is a far cry from getting married to them. So hopefully sometime in the next year, or after I start grad school, I'll be able to get more experience dating. Then I'll be in a better position to analyze my feelings. And if at some point I decide that girls just aren't doing it for me, perhaps I'll change course.

One thing I need to stop doing is comparing myself to other people. That's what first set off this crisis in my mind. I didn't feel too sexually abnormal until I began living with guys who talk about girls and sex all the time. I read something interesting earlier, someone suggesting that there are as many sexual orientations as there are people, because everyone is unique. I like that idea.

As for my mom, we've barely discussed the issue since I first talked to her about it, which I find a bit disconcerting. She asks me occasionally whether I'm still seeing the counselor, but that's it. I'll have to address it again at some point, give her an update or something.

I've got mixed feelings about continuing this blog. I really don't want this issue to continue to dominate my thoughts at this time (though I'm sure it probably will). I've got loads of other things to think about, such as changing jobs, thinking about career paths, and applying to grad school. I'm not sure whether I'll continue to post very much, but maybe I will if something happens that is relevant and post-worthy. I'll continue to check this email address (socalrockfan "at" gmail.com) every once and a while so feel free to either comment here or email me there if you have any questions or pearls of wisdom.

Until a later date, thanks everyone for reading and your advice, and good luck on your journeys!

B

Tired

Things are pretty hectic right now. Work is busy, I'm taking a test on Saturday, I'm planning a big trip next week, and the date last Saturday is still on my mind. I have kind of decided not to pursue that girl, at least not right now. Something didn't feel right, I didn't really get the impression that she was interested in me in that way. Of course for all I know I'm way off, it's not like I have experience with this kind of thing. Anyways, maybe I'll drop her an email or something just to check in, but I think things need to relax a bit before I add one more thing to stress out about. I'm sure there will be other opportunities, I just have to be patient.

In other news, Stone Temple Pilots are getting back together!!!!! This makes me extremely happy, I never got the chance to see them before they broke up. They're playing at the Hollywood Bowl in June (not my favorite venue, but what the heck, you do what you gotta do). Good thing I just saw Velvet Revolver in December, because now they are no more and it sounds like Scott Weiland did not leave the band on the best of terms. So yay!

Mountains out of molehills

Well, today was a complete waste. I spent most of the day agonizing over various things, such as whether or not there was any potential for Jenny, and of course my sexuality. Did not get much studying done for my upcoming GRE subject test (which I'm not sure I'll even need to take since I don't know what I'm going to apply for yet). Burned myself on the damn George Foreman Grill which I barely ever use. Over-reacted to said burn by getting all worried about what it said on the internet, that any second degree burn on the hands no matter how small should be checked out by a doctor. Ended up paying a ridiculous copayment for the doctor basically putting a bandage on it (oh, and I got a tetanus shot too since I hadn't had one for a long time). I felt like such a hypochondriac (thanks a lot, internet!). Better safe than sorry I guess, since I'd never experienced a burn like that before. Weird how I can have such a laid back personality and yet be such a worry-wort at the same time. Of course I noticed that I paid more attention to a couple of the male nurses than I did the good-looking female one. It's like the different parts of my brain are fighting each other.

On the bright side, I chatted with a bunch of friends today, both on AIM and on the phone. I even tried emailing my former good buddy from freshman year, the one that kind of disappeared of the face of the earth. Not sure I had the right address, but the message wasn't returned so I figure somebody must have gotten it. Whether I ever hear back is, well, doubtful, but at least I tried.

Yeah, I know I sound like Debbie Downer (cue the wah, wah sound). It's just been one of those days, haha. I always try to see the glass half full though. And on that note, bed time.

Deer in the headlights

That's what I felt like at the end of my first date ever. Yes, my first date ever. Let me back track.

So, I got Jenny's number, and I gave her a call last week. Asked her if she wanted to go out, and she said ok. So we did, dinner and a movie, the old classic combo. Went pretty well. She's really nice, and has a good sense of humor. One thing I was nervous about was running out of things to talk about and having to sit in awkward silence. That didn't happen luckily. Dinner was good, the movie was good.

After the movie I had been planning to see if she wanted to hang around the area for a while, maybe get some dessert. She declined, though I wasn't sure whether that was because she was full or because she just wanted to go home. Anyways, I realized at that point I had no idea how to end a date. Probably should have asked if she wanted to go out again sometime, but instead what came out of my mouth was more along the lines of "see you next time" (yes, I know) which obviously makes it sound like I'm not interested. The truth is, I'm not sure whether I should continue to pursue her. We didn't seem to have too many common interests as far as movies, music, etc. I couldn't tell whether she felt a connection with me. I'm not even sure whether to expect such a connection on a first date. Should we have hit it off and been fast friends? It could just be that she's shy like me. I figure I might follow the advice of my friend's girlfriend, who suggested I wait a few days and then call Jenny and ask her if she wants to go out again. The way I see it, if someone says yes to a first date, that just means that the person is interested in you based on a first impression, or is just being nice. But if they say yes to a second date, that seems like it would mean a lot more, and probably shows they have real interest in you. So, we'll see. It's experience, if nothing else.

Of course I was hoping going on an actual date would clear up the confusion. Probably a little much to hope for. At this point I'm not so sure whether I might be gay. I definitely have some kind of interest in looking at some guys but I'm not sure if that could translate into any kind of a relationship. Imagining myself dating a guy just doesn't seem quite right. Whether that's just mainstream society talking, I don't know. At least I have some degree of forward momentum along the road of figuring it out. I just need to make sure I keep moving and don't stall.

Jenny I've got your number

First of all, I wanted to thank those who have commented on my entries thus far, including Mike, Aek, K, and W. I really appreciate your feedback.

Well, I called my friend to see if he had talked to the girl. Let's call her Jenny, just because I have "867-5309" stuck in my head right now. Turns out he is on a trip out of state but he did talk to her before he left. And she said it would be ok for him to give me her number. So he did. And now the ball's in my court. One thing I am trying to teach myself is to take things a step at a time. It's okay that I haven't nailed my sexuality down 100% yet, I can still just call a girl up and see if she wants to hang out. That is a far cry from a relationship. So hopefully I'll work up the nerve to give her a call within the next couple days. No . . . definitely, not hopefully!

I just wish these things came more naturally to me. I feel like if my sexuality wasn't so jumbled, suppressed, naturally weak, or whatever it is, that the added motivation would have helped me ask a girl out a long time ago. Oh well, mas vale tarde que nunca.

Inching slowly forward

Well, Saturday morning after the party I asked my friend to ask the girl for permission for him to give me her number (if that sentence made any sense at all). We'll see how that plays out. According to my roommate she was into me (going by her body language) and since he has had numerous girlfriends I figured he might know what he is talking about. I did not want to wait until the next party (especially since I would probably just wuss out again). Anyways, I anxiously await the next time I see my friend so I can find out what she said, and then I'll go from there. Hopefully this time it will work out better than it did the last time I tried this.

For a while I've been debating about whether I should talk to my mom about my current issues. She has always been the one that I have taken my problems to. I never really had many close friends that I could talk about serious things with growing up, so my mom has always been my number one confidante. Of course, with this particular issue I felt extremely uncomfortable going to her with it. She thinks of me as this perfect son and the last thing I wanted to do is shatter that image by admitting that I am questioning my sexuality. Plus sex is one topic we have never talked about. Well, after the experience at the party I decided this might be a good time to finally talk about it, since the scale had tipped to the straight side. My mom already knew I was going to counseling, and I'm sure she suspected that I had not disclosed the full reason for it yet. I told her Saturday that I was ready to talk with her about it sometime. First I told her about the party, and the girl, and then I talked to her about my low sex drive suspicions. I figured this might be good groundwork for the discussion to come.

She came into my room the next morning after I had woken up, while I was still lying in bed. She asked if I wanted to talk about it. I was not expecting her to be the one to pick the time and place, and I almost said no. Then I decided it was as good a time as any. So, I used the compass metaphor, about how sex drive is like the needle, blah blah blah, and it's hard to tell which way it points when it's not very strong to begin with. I told her I had experienced attractions to both guys and girls in the past, but in different ways.

Long story short, she took it very well as I had hoped she would. I was rather surprised at how supportive she was (and I really shouldn't have been). She agrees with me that I probably won't be able to figure it all out until I get some experience dating. And she said the magic words: "All I want is for you to be happy." She also agreed that it was probably not the time to talk to my dad about it. I've never been as close to my dad as I am to my mom. In addition he seems to see the world more in black and white than my mom does.

In any case, I guess my next step is to see what happens with this girl, if anything.

Somewhat less mixed up (for now)

So I just spent most of the night talking to a girl that I have had an interest in for quite a while. I don't see her very often, but when I do I feel like we have a connection on some level at least. I cannot for the life of me work up the nerve to ask her out or get her phone number, especially since she is always surrounded by friends. I'm thinking of just getting her number from our mutual friend (with her permission first, of course). I don't know when I'll see her again, so this may be the best option. In any case, I didn't make up my feelings tonight, they were real. I felt an attraction to this girl, and I think she is pretty. I may not be all horny like a lot of guys, but that doesn't mean I wasn't attracted to her. I think I have the potential to be attracted to both sexes, but the idea of a relationship with a girl appeals to me more right now. It's just a matter of finding the right one. I'm feeling the straightest I've felt in a while (let's see how I feel tomorrow, haha). Anyways, I am leaning toward the conclusion that the only way I'm going to clear this up is to get some experience dating. Introspection can only get me so far.

Ramblings about girls and stuff

I just briefly saw the girl whom I have considered asking out in the past. She is a friend of my roommate, and I see her periodically when he has a party or get-together. Really nice and pretty and into music, but I can't tell whether she has any interest in me. Of course, I would have enough trouble asking her out due to my shy nature and lack of self-confidence, but now this Confusion with a capital C is weighing heavily on my mind as well.

The only girl I ever sorta kinda asked out was another friend of my roommate's that I met at a party (my roommate has got to be the most social person I know, I really admire the way he is able to maintain so many close friendships while at the same time going towards his masters, working, and being in a serious relationship). This girl was beautiful, funny, and a fan of classic rock, which is icing on the cake. My roommate encouraged me to ask her out, but I chickened out of course. However, I decided to try to salvage the opportunity and I asked him to ask her if it would be okay for him to give me her number (phew). She said yes, and I finally worked up the nerve to give her a call. She was living about an hour away at the time, near where my cousin was living, so I asked her if she might want to hang out when I came up to visit him. She said sure, but that it couldn't be a date-date since she was seeing someone (D'oh!!). That discouraged me a bit but I said that was fine.

We made tentative plans to hang out, once she finished studying for a test. At one point she gave me a call and asked if it was okay if some of her friends accompanied us. I said okay, though I didn't like where this was going. Next thing I hear from her, she tells me she still has a lot of studying to do, maybe some other time. Suffice it to say I was very discouraged after that. I never tried giving her a call again after that (stupid of me, probably).

This incident demonstrates two of my worst flaws that I've struggled with. 1) I am overly concerned about what other people think of me. 2) I have a hard time imagining other people finding me interesting. One of my favorite quotes is from Charles Schwab: "A man who trims himself to suit everybody will soon whittle himself away." Well, I think I'm guilty of that. My concern about what others think of me makes my priority to be well liked by everyone, but in doing that I pretty much sacrifice my own personality. Hence my quiet nature. So in a way, # 1 above leads to # 2. My other roommate is a good counter-example. He's very outgoing and puts on a show of confidence and cockiness. There have been many people who find him irritating (heck, I did at first). But those who like him really like him. Maybe the case is that in order for some people to have strong positive feelings for you, others have to have strong negative feelings for you. I don't know. Anyways, it's late and I'm sleepy.