Closed-mindedness

I'm back home in California. The week with my parents went pretty quickly. It was a good visit, and even though it's only the second time I've ever been to their new house, it feels like home. I didn't talk with my mom any further about my issues. There's really not much new to discuss with her. Knowing she's okay with it is good enough for now. At one point the thought crossed my mind to open up to my dad, but that didn't last. I did tell him about the testosterone gel prescription though, since he overheard my mom and I discussing it. I just told him that a blood test I had showed my hormone levels to be a bit low. Far from the whole story, of course.

I took an airport shuttle service home once I got back to California. Sitting next to me was an old man who was quite talkative (and a little odd). We talked a bit about the college I went to, then the driver asked him where he was from. He said Pennsylvania, and made reference to the Penn State sex abuse scandal. For those living under a rock, the former assistant coach for the school's football team was found to have sexually assaulted or molested a number of underage boys, and various school officials (possibly including the head coach and the school president) helped cover it up. So, a really messed up situation, and at the center of it a really messed up individual. Anyways, while discussing the scandal with the driver, the old man said something along the following lines about his interpretation of how the school was reacting to the scandal: "Penn State is sending a message out: No pedophiles or queers."

My mouth nearly dropped open when he lumped gay people with pedophiles (not to mention his use of the word "queer" . . . I'm not a fan of that word, even when used in a less derogatory fashion or by gay people themselves). Suddenly this nice, if slightly strange old man had taken a turn and become an intolerant, ignorant and bigoted individual. This was the first time in recent memory that I'd witnessed such blatant homophobia, and he had done it so casually. Now, I know this guy is a product of his generation. I know that his way of thinking is declining. But it still makes me sad . . . and angry.

I guess you could say this entry is a thematic cousin to the last entry, because the core problem here is closed-mindedness. It irks me how so many people come to definitive conclusions about things that they know very little about, refuse to consider things from other points of view, and then become so set in their opinions that they are very hard, if not impossible to change. This one tendency lies at the root of so much human suffering, whether you're talking about a family squabble at the dinner table or wide-scale persecution of a religious minority.

I try very hard to keep an open-mind. I don't know if it's my personality, my upbringing, my scientific background, or a combination (probably most likely), but I always prefer to gather evidence and consider multiple sides before I reach a conclusion. Not to sound conceited, but I feel like humanity would be a lot better off if more people were like this.

Of course, it does have to be a balancing act. This blog is a good example as to why you eventually have to make up your mind. Evidence-gathering can't go on forever. One of my favorite quotes, by Carl Sagan: "It pays to keep an open mind, but not so open your brains fall out." We all need beliefs to get by in life because there are few things that we can really be 100% certain about. Life is all about working with limited evidence. Perhaps the middle ground is to make decisions and form opinions, but always be open to the possibility that you could be wrong. That's why I've long called myself an agnostic rather than an atheist. If I was given credible evidence in God's existence, I would certainly change my mind (lately I'm not sure whether this really bars me from being considered an atheist, but that's a topic for another post).

Anyways, feel free to sound off. Is there such a thing as being too open-minded? Would the world be a better place if everyone were a scientist (as a world-view, not as an occupation)? Any run-ins with homophobic idiots and their ridiculous generalizations?

Thanksgiving visit

Happy Thanksgiving everybody! Okay, technically it's no longer Thanksgiving where I am, as I'm in the Midwest right now visiting my parents. But it's still Turkey Day back home in California.

I came on this trip with the intention of not discussing politics with my dad. After all, what are the two forbidden topics to keep the peace at a family gathering? Answer: politics and religion. Pity those are two of my favorite topics. I lasted midway home in the car before I broke the rule. Oops. I can't help it. I want to understand how my dad's mind works, why he believes what he believes, and whether he really is as closed-minded as he often seems to be.

The bad news: He still believes Obama is a secret Muslim (whether or not he still believes he was born in Kenya wasn't entirely clear). He would support ANYONE for president over Obama, including Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum (both come across as religious fundamentalist, anti-science, homophobic candidates with poor critical reasoning skills and a nasty habit of playing fast and loose with the facts). In fact, he doesn't have a problem with a religious fundamentalist becoming president, as long as they are a conservative (he figures they wouldn't have enough power to do anything too destructive . . . and yet he places the blame on so many of the country's problems on Obama). He agrees with Santorum's assertion that the Don't Ask Don't Tell repeal was a mistake. That last one really set me off . . . not yelling or anything (not my style) but I explained to him my feelings about how honesty and integrity should be core values of the military, and those values were harmed by the DADT policy. Not sure I made him reevaluate, but he didn't really argue against that point either.

The good news: Despite his unfortunate position on DADT, he really doesn't seem too homophobic. I asked him at one point whether he thought it more likely for a gay man or an atheist to be elected president (we were talking about how there's a de facto "religious test" for the presidency in this country, since the majority of Americans won't vote for someone who's not religious). He replied a gay man would be more likely, because homosexuality is becoming more accepted in our society. When he said this his tone wasn't harsh like it usually is when he's talking about something he disdains (like liberals). At one point several years ago I had asked him about his thoughts on gay people, and as I recall he believes that it is not a choice (though he doesn't support gay marriage). Also, he's not particularly religious, although when I asked him about his beliefs today he dodged the question.

Anyways, I think I've mastered the way to talk politics with my dad. Let him know explicitly that I'm only interested in discussing the subject if he keeps his emotions under control and tries his best to provide sources for some of the claims he makes so I can do further research on them. I know we're not going to see eye to eye on things, but I'd like to at least understand where he's coming from, and maybe help him see the error of his ways when he makes outrageous claims without backing them up.

In other political news: Michelle Bachmann was the victim of a pretty rude joke on Jimmy Fallon's show. The drummer of the house band, Questlove, decided that the perfect walk-on song for her would be "Lyin' Ass Bitch" by the band Fishbone. She apparently didn't notice at the time, but later demanded an apology from NBC. I can't believe I'm doing this, but I'm actually going to agree with her on this one. I don't care who it is, but you don't insult your own guest. If you don't agree with someone, fine, don't have them on the show. And if you're the drummer of the house band, then that kind of thing is out of your control so suck it up, do your job, and be respectful. Sure, he made news and probably made a lot of Bachmann-haters crack up. But he also humiliated Jimmy Fallon and NBC, and gave the right wing more fodder to complain about the bias of the "mainstream media" (which is exactly what Bachmann did in response). Sorry Questlove, but what you did was classless. When you're dealing with an ignorant person of questionable honesty like Bachmann, you want to act better than her.

Anyways, to wrap this up, I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving and is enjoying time with their loved ones. I know I complain about my dad's political views a lot, but he and I get along fine, and we're really able to immediately transition from a heated political discussion to casual small talk with no hurt feelings. It's good spending the holiday with my parents (and our dog and cat). I don't get to see them very often anymore. Thanksgivings have gotten a lot smaller since they moved so far away from the rest of the family, but they really seem to be happy here. So, I'm happy for them.

Subtlety

Tonight I had dinner with a guy I've been friends with for about 7 years or so. Let's call him Tom. Tom has always been a bit socially awkward. He's also not the greatest at picking up subtleties. So, I decided to make use of that to push the envelope a little bit with my secret. I almost just want to come out to him, it's been getting tiring dodging the topic whenever he wants to talk about girls (and he talks about girls a lot). Problem is he's probably my most religious friend. I've spoken to him in the past about homosexuality though, and despite some pretty ignorant views (I got into a debate with him one time after he referred to a feminine gay guy at work as a "he/she") it seems like he has the potential for open-mindedness. We'll see.

Anyways, at one point in the conversation, Tom mentioned that he was proud of me for facing the issues I've been going through (meaning my career decisions and the stress that went along with that). As is clear from this blog, career issues are definitely not the only thing that have dominated my thoughts. I decided to allude to that fact.

"You only know half the story," I said. "And maybe some day I'll tell you the rest of it."

He respected that I didn't want to talk about it right then, but he asked, "It doesn't have to do with a girl, does it?"

I could barely keep from laughing. "No, I can safely say that it doesn't have to do with a girl."

"That's good," he responded. "You don't need that kind of stress in your life right now."

I feel like several of my other friends would have picked up on that anvil.

Positive change

I had the first counseling session in 3 weeks earlier this evening. I talked about the many ways that my life has improved over the past couple of months. I feel more self-confident. I'm (a little) less concerned about what other people think. I'm more open to the idea of a same-sex relationship (if I find the right guy). I might even have a little more of a sex drive, hard to say. I'm ruminating less, less dominated by worries and negative thoughts. There's still a little bit of that, but it's better. I'm learning to forgive myself for my own shortcomings, and to accept myself for who I am. At the end of the session, the counselor said that she saw "a lot of growth" in me. I remember when I first started seeing her I was in a pretty bad place, and I anxiously awaited every session so I could load off what troubled me. I also felt like I had no one to talk to. Now, it's like I've got my old confidants back. My cousins, my friend, my mom, I've talked to them all about my sexuality issue and they have all been supportive. I think I'm going to reduce the frequency of my counselling sessions. Not sure if I'll completely stop just yet though, as I still have a ways to go.

One of the aspects of my personality that has most troubled me in my life so far is my self-consciousness. Especially in middle school and high school, I was overly concerned with how I was perceived by others. In middle school I was really into Star Wars. I had the action figures and video games, and I read a number of the books. That is, until I realized that it wasn't "cool" to like science fiction and fantasy. I was desperate not to fit the stereotype of a "nerd." So I stopped. In fact, I did the same thing in elementary school with Power Rangers. Once they weren't cool anymore, I gave them up (to my parents' frustration, since they had bought me some of the toys for Christmas). I even hid the boxes when people came over. In the first few years of high school this tendency to censor my own interests and personality put me in an awkward place. I wasn't an athlete, I wasn't popular, I wasn't a slacker, so I didn't fit into any of those cliques. I was smart, but because of my refusal to be labelled a nerd (which I probably was anyway), I didn't hang out with the people with more "nerdy" interests. Eventually I did find a group of friends in the later years of high school, largely due to our shared love of rock music (which I actually started listening to to give me something in common with people, good thing I actually loved it), but it was rough for a while.

I recognized this shortcoming at the time. In sophomore year of high school, we had an assignment to come up with a quote that really resonated with us. I chose this quote by Charles Schwab: "The man who trims himself to suit everybody will soon whittle himself away." I was definitely guilty of this. For fear of anyone not liking me, I preferred to fly below the radar. My low self-confidence led to me being a very quiet, shy individual. It's almost like I chose invisibility instead of risk rejection or ridicule. Throughout high school I fought against this in an effort to be more outgoing.

Now, because of my experiences in college and beyond, I no longer consider myself shy (though I will always naturally be an introvert). I have a level of self-confidence that I wish I had back then (though it could stand to be higher still). Suddenly I find myself doing things I would have never done before, like taking an improv acting class, performing with an a capella group, or singing and playing the guitar for patients in the hospital.

This was kind of a rambling post, but I just wanted to explore how I've changed over the years. Some people figure out their sexuality at a very young age, but as for me, I'm really not all that surprised that it has taken me so long to get this far, since I had other issues to deal with. One thing I'm trying to remind myself of though, is that life is not a race. We're all on our own journey, and all go at our own pace.

NYC

I went to the East Coast for another work trip. Took a couple of days afterward to go to Manhattan and visit my older cousin. It was cool. He was the third of my cousins that I talked to about my sexuality, and during this visit we had a pretty long discussion about it. I actually decided to open up way more than I expected to and told him all about everything going on in my life right now, including my visit to the gay bar in Chicago and my attempts to boost my T levels/sexual desire. He was extremely supportive. He really is an awesome guy. I was always closest to him out of the 3 cousins growing up. In recent years we had sort of drifted apart due to distance and his crazy work life and I had gotten closer to my youngest cousin, but now that cousin's work life is craziest of all and I find myself getting closer to the oldest one again.

Anyways, the visit was a lot of fun. We saw some live music and some live improv comedy. We ate at a Russian place, a Thai place, and Shake Shack (apparently I'm the only one who prefers In N Out, haha). We went down and saw the Occupy Wall Street protesters (that is one dense concentration of hippies). And we managed to squeeze in some quality Halo time with his two brothers back in CA.

Monday was my last full day in NYC, so I walked around the city while my cousin was at work. I checked out Chelsea and Greenwich Village, or at least the areas right around 7th Avenue. Those two areas have large concentrations of gay residents. It was the middle of a work day so not much going on. I did walk past the famous Stonewall Inn, where the gay rights movement began.

The morning after I got home I had a dream about having sex with a girl. I NEVER have sexual dreams (hello testosterone gel?) And I've never had actual sex. So it's pretty unusual to have a dream about something I've never done, with the sex that I didn't think I was particularly attracted to in that way. I don't know what brought that on, but now I'm back to checking out pictures of hot guys. Stupid brain, playing tricks on me.

Face to Face(book)

I was starting to get frustrated with the back and forth with my Facebook acquaintance. Today I logged onto Facebook at work and noticed that he was online. So, I sent him a chat message. I figured catching him live would be the best way to set up a day for us to meet. He responded, but unfortunately we're both pretty busy for the next couple weeks. He suggested just chatting online for now, so I talked to him for a little while. Too bad I was at work, because I couldn't really have an in depth conversation. It got a little awkward when he started asking me questions like "Have you ever been with a guy?" (No), "Do you find men attractive?" (Yes), "Are you nervous about being with a guy?" and "Are you just as sexually attracted to girls?" (At that point I told him it wasn't the best time for this discussion, though the answers would be Yes and No) The whole time I was chatting with him I was on edge, hopefully my coworker didn't notice too much.

He also told me a little about himself, including that he figured out he was gay between the ages of 8 and 12. How anyone figures it out that early is hard for me to understand, but I guess that's just because I only have my own experience to go off of. He described his first kiss with a guy as "intense" and "awesome." In any case, now that I've chatted with him a bit I feel more confident that a live meet-up will actually pan out, assuming our schedules ever align. I'm going to New Jersey/NYC for work later this week, but hopefully when I come back we can work something out.

This guy isn't just a random Facebook acquaintance that happens to be gay. He's actually the first openly gay guy that I ever had a crush on (though I didn't know him personally at the time). In fact, I mentioned him briefly in the very first posting on this blog. We worked in the same general vicinity and had some friends in common. I would occasionally see him at work social events, at lunch, or at the gym. I don't remember how I found out he was gay, but I remember thinking he was very attractive. One time at a social event, I happened to make eye contact with him briefly from a distance and I got butterflies. Later on I switched positions and gyms so I didn't see him anymore. However, he happened to attend a work holiday party with a friend and I finally got to meet him. I chatted a little bit with him and his friend and added them both on Facebook. I remember being so excited that I actually met him and friended him, haha.

After that we had no further contact, though I noticed through his Facebook updates that he was in a serious relationship. I still think he's hot, and am excited to meet him again in person and maybe even become friends with him. Who knows, maybe with his encouragement and/or connections I can accelerate my progress towards coming to terms with my sexuality.

Other news: I've been applying the T ointment daily in hopes of increasing my sex drive to normal levels. Hard to say if it's having an effect . . . at times I felt like maybe it was. Or maybe it was a placebo effect. Not that it matters, any change for the better would be OK with me.

I've been trying to suppress a bit of an obsessive thinking pattern regarding my age. 27 is not that old, but I feel so behind the game with sexuality (and career too). I keep wishing I was still in my early twenties. All the more reason to get these things resolved once and for all.

Finally, here's some pics of Henry Cavill. I just picked up the Men's Health with him on the cover. I'm gonna have to see "The Immortals." He's in it, and so is Kellan Lutz.