Weekend by the beach

Ok, let's see if I can bust out the San Diego story before I fall asleep, haha.

Basically, it was a crazy weekend. YouTube Guy (I'm gonna have to give him a proper pseudonym one of these days haha), his boyfriend, Wes and I drove down to San Diego together. Nina was renting a beach house for the long Veterans Day weekend. Also in attendance were my buddy Walter and several others. Walter was the only straight guy. This held true even on Saturday night when a bunch of Nina's friends joined us. This introduced two guys who I later learned were bisexual. One was a super tall (6'6!), blue-eyed hunk of a man from Minnesota. The other was a really cute Indian guy (who I later was told is half Italian...yowza). Man, if I had known that night they were bi...I probably would have had more to drink, lol.

Out of all of us, Nina was definitely the craziest party animal. It seems every time someone new came over she had to run away and put on clothes. She's . . . a free spirit, that one. She made it her mission to make out with this one girl. She did, but while black out drunk so she didn't even remember meeting her the next day.

It was great seeing YouTube Guy and his boyfriend so soon after they visited before. They have really become close friends and have been helping me try to put my personal life back together. And not just by pressuring me to buy Andrew Christian. Speaking of which, the tall guy was dared to put YTG's boyfriend's pair on. He wore them quite well, haha.

Sunday YouTube Guy, his boyfriend and Wes all had to leave. Nina offered to drive me home if I stayed through Monday so I bid them farewell. Sunday was an interesting day. I had intended to rent a bike, but instead napped a lot. I ate dinner with Nina, during which I spoke to her about my dating woes and my progress moving on. She revealed that Wes had spoken to her and admitted he was confused about why I invited him along. This made me feel guilty. For me it had been a no brainer. He was friends with the group now and he had been at Nina's party the weekend before when we were discussing the trip. It felt natural to invite him since we had been encouraged to invite whoever we wanted. I realized things still aren't totally resolved with him...but after talking to him again last night I think they're headed in the right direction. Nina tried to tell me I should give dating him another chance since he might help heal my still wounded heart. I couldn't do that if the attraction wasn't right though. If I am to compromise on attraction, then why even seek to date guys in the first place? I can't use someone and risk hurting them just to help me with my own issues. That would make me quite the hypocrite.

Anyways, on to the good stuff. Three nights in a row of decidedly gay activities.

Sunday:

Nina, the cute Indian/Italian guy and I came back to Nina's beach house after we went to play board games with her friends. The guy being a bisexual with a serious girlfriend, Nina and I definitely got cozy without pushing the boundaries too far. I already knew that the guy had told Nina I was cute, and in my tipsy state I was a bit emboldened. Imagine the scene: The guy sitting on the couch, me laying with my head in his lap, and Nina standing in front of both of us completely naked. We carried on a conversation like this. Craziness. Much respect to that guy! Although apparently he did say that if he'd been single he would have totally loved to fool around with us.

Monday: I had a date lined up from online. It went REALLY well. We had lunch and talked. From there we moved on to Balboa Park where I went for the kiss as we walked through a cactus garden. From there we went back to the beach house where we cuddled for a while, had dinner, and watched TV. And then this guy became the third guy I've done things with in the bedroom (it was so nice having such a big bedroom!) It was only hand jobs (this was the first date after all), but it was nice. And I even impressed the guy with my . . . projectile range haha. After that we showered together. Nina texted me offering to drive me back early the next morning before work, which meant my guy could spend the night. In the end the date went from noon one day to 5 am the next morning. I'd call that a success!

Since then we've talked about meeting up again. Now, there is quite a distance between us...but I'm just looking forward to seeing him again and seeing where it goes. No expectations.

Tuesday:

The next morning after my guy left I was treated to the most beautiful sunrise over the water. I wish he had been able to stick around slightly longer to enjoy it with me. In any case, I took tons of pictures then Nina drove me home.

At this point dear readers I need to go, but the story is not over! Tuesday night I had a date with someone from the past...a few months ago that is. I'm still scratching my head over what went down that night. To be continued!

Return to the Windy City

Once again it has been a while since I have posted, and a lot has been going on. I'm not sure whether I should have a massive info dump in this entry or just spread it across several. I guess I'll just start typing and see what happens!

I decided to respond to Ben's email, the one that he sent in response to my Happy Birthday email. I figured it would be rude not to. However, I kept it very short and didn't ask any questions of my own. Pretty much just "Work's going fine. Going to Chicago later this week. Thanks for asking." I'm just not ready to start dialogue with him. I broke radio silence to wish him happy birthday, but now it's time to go quiet again.

Chicago was fun. It was the second time I went. As you may recall, the first time I went to Chicago I had not yet begun dating, and I used the opportunity to go to my very first gay bar. So, I was determined to go back to Boystown this time and experience it as an out gay guy. Unfortunately, I got sick starting the Monday before my trip (I left on Friday). I was much better by Friday, but still not 100%.

Day 1: Lots of travel. I flew over, then had to sit in the car for a long time on the drive from O'Hare to my hotel. Luckily the driver was super nice. He was a Romanian immigrant with quite an interesting life story. That night I explored the area around my hotel a bit and walked down to a mall called The Shops at North Bridge. I like checking out malls in different places. Not so much to shop, just to take in the atmosphere and people. A cute guy at the tea shop offered me samples. After I tried them I left, then decided to chat with him some more and asked him for a recommendation for a pizza place. I didn't get a gay vibe from him so I moved on after that. Back at my hotel I went on the dating website and decided to see if I could use the broadcast function to find some new local friends to hang out with during my time in the city. I ended up getting three responses (all Asian guys oddly enough, I'm not sure whether it was coincidence, whether I tend to attract Asians, or whether they are more friendly on average, haha) I went to bed pretty early in order to try to kick the rest of my cold.

Day 2: My only full day all to myself with no work commitments. I took the metro up to Hollywood Beach, which is Chicago's gay beach, to meet up with the first guy from the dating site and his friend. They were both very nice. I thought his friend was quite cute, and he had a bit of a Southern accent and a very fast way of talking that enhanced the effect. We hung out at the beach for a bit and got acquainted, then we left. I went back with my new friend to his place so he could shower and change (no, no funny business, haha). After that we met the Southern guy again to have dinner and then go drinking. My new friends were quite the drinkers, haha. I didn't drink quite as much as them, for which I am very glad. I still consumed several shots and my head was spinning afterward. We spent some time at a bar where we danced quite a bit and chatted with a group of girls that were out celebrating a birthday. We then ended up at a dance club in Boystown. It was super packed, with poor visibility due to all the fog. At one point my friend (the one from the dating site) disappeared. I assumed he would be right back, that he had just gone to the restroom. But he didn't return. Me and the Southern guy danced for a bit, including me doing a little grinding (good times, lol). Then he took off too, presumably to look for his friend. He didn't return either. I started texting the first guy, with no response. Eventually, after a half hour of wondering through the club looking for them, it was getting really late and I decided just to call it a night and go back to the hotel. I wasn't too pissed about getting ditched, but things would have been different had I been more intoxicated or if I wasn't already familiar with how to get back to the hotel from Boystown. Bless my sense of direction!

Day 3: I woke up with a bit of a headache, and stayed in bed until about noon. That's no way to start a day in Chicago! I hoped that my night of drinking hadn't suppressed my immune system to the point that I would suffer a relapse of my cold. Luckily that didn't happen. The dating site dude finally responded to me, apologizing for having not responded to my texts the night before. Turns out he went home. He would later tell me that it is a habit of his when drunk to vanish and go home without telling anybody. That . . . could be problematic someday. After I got up, drank a lot of water, ate, and took some headache medicine, I felt better. I decided to walk around outside. My hotel was near the Navy Pier, so I walked over by that area. A sign for the architecture river tour caught my eye. A coworker who used to live in Chicago had encouraged me to go on that tour. So I decided to do so. I had my doubts at first . . . the sun was hot and there was no cover on the boat. Ultimately I loved the experience though. The tour guide was great, the views were awesome and I learned a lot about all the different skyscrapers in Chicago. Architecture isn't usually one of my interests, but the guide managed to make it fascinating. That night there was a reception and dinner for work, which I attended. I just stayed in my room afterward, since work meetings the next day would start very early.

Day 4: Most of the day was taken up by meetings. In the late afternoon I met up with the second guy from the dating site. He was very nice. We went to a coffee place to chat. I found him to be much more low key than the first guy. A bit closer to my temperament. We ended up talking about our experiences with relationships. He had a pretty hurtful breakup not long ago too. I informed him that my plan for the night was to go to Roscoe's, the very first gay bar I'd ever gone to, for their live band karaoke night. That was what had most enticed me back in the fall of 2011, and I was determined to go back and maybe even sing this time. He agreed to go with me. We walked down to Michigan Avenue and the Magnificent Mile before I needed to return to my hotel for dinner. After dinner I took the metro up to Boystown and met my friend at the bar. It took a while for the crowd to build up at Roscoe's, but eventually there were a fair number of guys. Some were very good singers! I studied the song list for something I could sing. My voice wasn't yet 100% recovered from my cold, so I didn't want to pick something too ambitious.

My first inclination was to sing "Suffragette City" by David Bowie. Since I envisioned my trip to the bar as a sort of "coming full circle," I thought picking a symbolic song might be good too. When I was with Ben, our karaoke song of choice was "Under Pressure," a duet by Freddie Mercury and David Bowie. I always sang the David Bowie part. Therefore, I thought it might be therapeutic to sing a Bowie solo song. After all, Bowie doesn't need Mercury to be awesome. However, it being in front of a live band and all, I just didn't feel like I knew the Bowie song well enough to attempt it. Instead, I chose to sing "Hey Jealousy" by the Gin Blossoms. That song always brings me back to the 90s, and I figured the range would be doable even in my slightly congested state. My performance went well! I think I jumped the gun a few times while singing, skipping parts and what not, but the band was great at compensating. Afterward I walked across the bar back to my seat, noticing that no one complimented me. I thought that was odd. I had been making it a habit of complimenting guys whose performance I liked as they walked by me. It gave me the impression that the bar was a bit cliquish. My friend complimented me though. He said I sounded just like the singer of the Gin Blossoms. I appreciated that.

Once intermission hit we decided to check out another bar, Sidetrack. They were having a showtune night. It seemed like a pretty neat bar. Very large and very crowded. Showtunes were playing on big screens and so many guys were really getting into them! The only one that I got excited about was "Circle of Life," haha. After that we called it a night. My friend had driven, so he was kind enough to drive me back to my hotel so I didn't have to do the metro/walk combo so late at night.

Day 5: Another meeting, which got out mid-afternoon. I decided to repeat one of my favorite parts of my previous trip to Chicago: renting a bike and riding up the bike path along Lake Michigan. By this day I was feeling almost back to normal. The weather had been great up to this point, but by now the humidity I had been expecting was finally starting to show its face. I biked all the way up to the gay beach, then cut west into Andersonville. I had lunch at a Mediterranean restaurant, then rode through town a ways. I managed to locate Boystown (I swear, that's the part of Chicago I'm most familiar with now, haha), then went east to return to the bike path. I had texted my first friend from the dating site (the one who had pulled the Houdini act at the club) to see if he and the Southern guy might want to join me for a show at the IO improv theater, since they had expressed interest before. Plus, I wanted to see the Southern guy again. By the time I returned the bike to Navy Pier I was running short on time. I had to skip a shower and ended up taking a cab up to Wrigleyville, where the IO theater is located. My dating site friend joined me, but unfortunately the Southern guy did not. The show was good, very funny. Afterward we walked over to Boystown, which is very close by, so that I could grab some food. While I ate we chatted a bit. The guy wants to move to So Cal at some point in the near future to pursue his career. Once I was done we parted ways and I made my way back to the hotel.

Day 6: Departure. No trip to O'Hare Airport is complete without a flight delay. I ended up arriving at my layover location, Houston, right when my connecting flight was leaving. The airline compensated me with a $10 food coupon for the food court (hey big spender!) and put me on the next available flight, which was several hours later. I made a new friend, a long haired guy who was also on the same connecting flight. We stuck together to figure out where we needed to go, then went our separate ways until departure time. I really enjoy meeting new people!

Throughout all the day to day events of Chicago, I was a bit varied in my emotional state. At times I felt very lonely. After all, the last time I had gone on a work trip to a big city I had a significant other to accompany me. My loneliness even led me to do the unthinkable (for me): download Grindr. I think part of it was also because once again the sexuality doubts were creeping into my mind. I wanted to take a look at guys in the area to see if any were particularly attractive to me. And perhaps . . . make use of my big, lonely hotel room for some further experimentation. Well, that didn't end up happening, but I did chat with some guys and even got a boner picture sent to me, haha.

One unexpected occurrence during my trip: I got a text from a guy that I had chatted with over several months on OkCupid and email. Several months before he had gotten into a relationship, but was still interested in meeting up to be friends. Well, he texted me with a simple, "Cal, I need advice." "Uh oh," I thought. "What could this be about?" Turns out he had just been dumped from his first relationship. He remembered that I had gone through something similar and wanted any advice I had on how to get through the misery. My heart went out to him. I remembered vividly how it was the first couple of days, and weeks. Heck, it was six months ago and I still have much healing to do. I texted him some advice and suggested we could meet up upon my trip to LA the following weekend.

Alright, that is more than enough for one entry. Still lots to discuss, including my recent bouts with some fairly bad depression (for me), a fun birthday weekend in LA which included a visit with an old friend, and the date that I just came back from a little while ago tonight. Suffice it say for now that it went VERY well! :-)

Until next time!

Jet settin'

Hello all!

I've been meaning to write an entry for a while, I've just been very busy. Well, today I got a comment from fan of casey wondering what's going on, so I figured I'd oblige :-)

First of all, I'm doing away with the song title thing like I said I would. Too hard. I'll still include a song though. A new song that I like, or an old song that's stuck in my head. Today's pick is the new single by Muse, "Madness," in honor of the release of their new album tomorrow.

The last week saw a lot of travelling. First, Ben and I took our first plane trip together, flying up to San Francisco for a long weekend. Unfortunately it was for my job, so I had to sit in meetings for much of the time. The up-side of course was getting the room and my flight paid for. The best part: I got to meet YouTube Guy! He was in town with his boyfriend of six months. It was really great meeting them and spending time with another gay couple. YouTube Guy and I have been through somewhat parallel journeys over the past year since we first connected, and we've been dating our boyfriends about the same amount of time (Ben and I are at five months in a couple days). We had an awesome time hanging out together, and they even took Ben around the city in their rental car while I was in a meeting.

One thing we did was visit the famous Castro district. Wow, is that like another world or what? Gay couples everywhere (not to mention naked dudes . . . and not of the eye candy variety) . . . Ben and I could totally walk around that part of town holding hands without a second thought. Unfortunately not all of SF was quite as tolerant. While holding hands elsewhere in the city we inadvertently walked in front of a street preacher who admonished us by shouting "One virgin man, one virgin woman! No man and man!" We just chuckled it off and kept walking. Thinking back on it later though, I realized that was the first time I've had homophobia directed at me. We were definitely more careful after that.

After San Francisco we flew back home and I went to work for one day before flying off to Upstate New York for another meeting. This trip I was unaccompanied by Ben, unfortunately. The meeting was pretty cool, it was held at a conference center in the middle of the woods. It was absolutely beautiful there, I really wished Ben could have seen it.

After I returned from NY I spent the weekend at Ben's house. His job is requiring him to do some work on weekends, which will make our weekends a little more complicated, primarily because for now I will always have to be the one to come to him. Which is better in a lot of ways since I still have a twin bed. Yes, I know. Unforgivable, right? Ha ha. Ben has trouble sleeping with such limited space, so nights are easier at his place. It does mean if I want to see him I won't have any weekends at home, and I'll spend more on gas. We'll see.

One day over the weekend I overheard Ben telling his friend about my blog (he hasn't read it, he just knows about it). I felt a little bit like my privacy was violated, but then I thought twice about that initial reaction. I never told him the fact that I keep an anonymous blog was off-limits, and he seems to think of it as a cool thing. Even so, I told him later that I didn't feel comfortable having anyone I know in person reading it (well, excluding people I've met through the blog). However, perhaps someday I'll let him read it. And I believe someone suggested that I have Ben write an entry. He'd totally be up for that. I'd just have to ask him to resist the temptation to Google a sentence from his entry to find my blog, ha ha.

Other Ben news: though his finances have been a bit shaky recently he has decided to accompany me to my parents' house in the Midwest for Thanksgiving! Super cool. It's definitely not California . . . they live in a very conservative, religious area. We're both super careful, though. It should be a lot of fun.

Okay, until next time!

Peaceful easy feeling

I'm back at my parents' house in the Midwest after a week-long road trip through Tennessee. The sightseeing was a lot of fun, especially because I got both of my stresses out of the way beforehand.

I took the MCAT last Saturday. It was really tough, and I don't get to find out how I did until mid-June. I think I did okay, but I'm not sure I reached my target score that would bolster my chances of getting in where I want (namely, California). Oh well, it's done so I'm not going to worry about it.

As for coming out to my dad, I had initially planned to do it at the end of the road trip. In typical fashion for me, I was putting others before myself and not wanting to "ruin" the road trip for him by doing it before. At some point, however, I realized I was being a little over-dramatic, and what would happen instead is that I would be affecting my own enjoyment of the road trip by waiting. I didn't want that cloud hanging over me when I was supposed to be enjoying my time with my parents, so I resolved to do it before we left.  Finally an opportunity arose: my mom went to the store (and not so subtly hinted that it would be a good time to do it), leaving me home alone with my dad. Once I pulled his attention away from TV, I set into a long, somewhat awkward story about my progress as a person over the last couple years. My confidence issues, my career indecision, and finally my sexuality confusion, leading up to the revelation that I had been dating guys and was seeing one seriously.

The reaction: he took it pretty well. Very calmly. After my admission we got into a brief discussion about conservatism vs. liberalism, which led to him basically saying that when it comes to social issues such as homosexuality he is a bit more liberal (of course I had to use the L word, he'd never use such a dirty word to describe himself in any way, haha). Of course he still isn't for gay marriage, but it's basically just the word "marriage" that he's stuck on. Anyways, basically we had the conversation and it went alright. His main issue was that he felt like I hadn't tried dating girls enough to know for sure that it wasn't for me. I had trouble responding to that because, well, it's true. I've only really been on one date with a girl. It took me a while to come up with a response: "Well, I think the reason I didn't date more girls, besides lack of self-confidence at the time, was simply lack of interest." In any case, he's not going to pressure me to date girls or anything, it was just a concern of his. Even after the conversation ended though, I was still uneasy. I felt like something was missing.

My dad's not the best communicator, so if you want something from him you really have to ask for it. He won't volunteer much of anything that isn't a diatribe about Obama or a joke. So later, after I realized what had been missing from our previous discussion, I got him alone and asked him: "Dad, if I find a relationship, guy or girl, that makes me happy . . . where would you stand?" His response: "With you, of course. We both want you to be happy." That was it. That's what I wanted to hear.

Everything being out in the open with both of my parents was extremely liberating. I ended up talking with Ben on the phone every night during the trip, often in plain sight of my parents (the one time I tried to get some privacy by talking in the truck led to me accidentally setting off the truck's horn alarm at midnight in a campground we were staying at . . . uhh oops). I was even able to Skype with him several times using my mom's IPad. It was great sharing my travel experiences with him as they progressed, and hearing about how things are with him back home in CA. We had a number of really good conversations. During one of them, I came clean about pretty much everything that I hadn't been forthright with before: including my past concerns about sex drive, the T gel I'd been using (he's going to smell it sooner or later, though I've been refraining use of it on days when I'm with him), and even this blog. He knew before that I had used blogging to come to terms with my sexuality, but he didn't know until now that I still actively blog (and talk about him). He was cool with it, and with everything else. I assured him that everything I've written about him has been positive :-) Who knows, maybe I'll let him read it someday.

I just talked to him a little while ago, he is currently on a plane bound for the east coast, to return in a couple days. I will pick him up at the airport on Memorial Day, and I can't wait. We are both definitely in the infatuation stage of our relationship, haha.

I've selected this entry's song for several reasons:
1. I've just been through Nashville and Memphis, so I wanted something a little country rockish.
2. "Peaceful easy feeling" pretty much describes my state of mind right now.
3. The Eagles are sort of "the band" for Ben and me. We saw an Eagles tribute band together recently, and he has said that all of their songs now remind him of me :-)

Peace out y'all!

Live to rise

This post titled in honor of "The Avengers" and its song, "Live to Rise," the first new song by Soundgarden since the mid-90s!!

I suppose it should also mean something . . . . perhaps my attempts to change my outlook on life and rise to new opportunities and challenges? Sure, that works.

I just got back from seeing "The Avengers," and it was really good. Any movie that has both Chris Hemsworth and Chris Evans in it has got to be though, haha. Just add Chris Pine and you'd have a triple threat of Hot Chris.

My three friends I went to see it with were Tom, Rick, and Philip, all of whom I have mentioned previously. They are the three close straight male friends that know about me. This is the first time I have hung out with all three of them since my secret was revealed. It was mostly like old times. Them talking about girls, me zoning out, haha. At one point Tom asked me about the movie and how I liked Chris Hemsworth in it. I said both were good. It kind of felt weird though. This was the first time I really felt like "the gay one." Because that's pretty much what I am now. Even though I didn't come out to anyone as saying "I'm gay" (rather "I'm figuring things out" or "I'm dating guys" or something along those lines) it's pretty apparent what the consensus is. Which makes me the one who still can't seem to come to terms enough to just identify that way. So afraid to close a door.

Meanwhile I'm feeling conflicted about the dating I'm doing. There's at least two guys who are into me and want to meet up again (including the one from Monday who emails me every day even though we've met just once so far, which makes me a little leery). However, I can't seem to get my mind off of Ben, and it makes it hard to maintain interest in anyone else. He's coming to town tomorrow to hang out, and I'm looking forward to it, but at the same time I'm trying to figure out what my next step should be.

On the one hand, there's the "go with the flow" advice that has largely come from you guys (and thanks again for all the advice).

On the other hand, there's my friend Janice, who suggested that if I stay in the Friend Zone for too much longer there may be no escaping it. She figures Ben should know by now whether he's interested in me or not, so I should make a move or risk losing the possibility of a romantic relationship.

That and a certain career-related step approaching in two weeks (alright, it's the MCAT, I signed up to take the MCAT) mean the pressure's starting to cook again.

I guess I'll just go with the flow tomorrow and look for any signs. If the right moment comes, it will come. This may be the last time I see Ben for nearly a month though. I'm taking the test in the Midwest and then going on a roadtrip with my parents, not to return until the end of the month.

We'll see if I can rise to the challenge.

Happy New Year!

First post of 2012! I just got back from a week-long car trip with my parents. It was a great time. We visited family all over California. We started here in So Cal with Christmas.  I got to spend time with both sisters and all my nephews and nieces.  I'm becoming a lot closer to my nieces, who are at the fun age (10-12).  My nephews are in their teenage years, and the one I've always been closest to has become waaaay too angsty (sample dialogue exchange between my sister and him:
Sister: (yells his name to come down and see us after he's been holed up in his room with his girlfriend)
Nephew: (yells) WHAT DO YOU WANT???
The other nephew seems much better, he even expressed interest in majoring in something like physics when he gets to college (yay, science!!!)

Next stop was Central CA to visit my dad's younger brother and his wife.  I've always really liked the two of them, especially as I've gotten older.  They have really fun personalities.  My aunt reminds me of Kelly Ripa for some reason, and my uncle sort of brings to mind Steve Martin. Maybe it's his dry sense of humor. He's my favorite of the three brothers (including my dad) to talk politics with, because he actually uses a little thing called LOGIC in his discussions and doesn't get overly emotional. He's good at selling his positions on the issues (he used to work in business), though we did reach an impasse or two. He tried to argue that conservatives are more logical thinkers, while liberals are more emotional and less good at thinking of the financial ramifications of the programs they want to implement. That may be true in some cases, but I think that's a huge over-simplification and could just as easily be argued the other way.  In fact, I looked up a scientific study that suggested the exact opposite of what he said. He wasn't interested in reading it of course, haha.

Final stop was Northern CA to visit my dad's older brother, his wife, and my three cousins/best friends in the world (BFW's?) I did a little more discussing politics with my two cousins that enjoy that kind of thing (oldest and youngest, both so much more open-minded and reasonable in debate than either of our fathers or our uncle) as well as their father (probably falls between my dad and my other uncle on the emotional to logical spectrum).  One interesting thing: my uncle was unaware of Rick Santorum's anti-gay views (not that he necessarily disagrees with them), as well as Michelle Bachmann's numerous mistakes and inaccurate statements that she has become notorious for. What's the sole source of information from the outside world playing in his house all day long? Fox News. Just . . . interesting, that's all.

Then I talked politics with my dad (with my mom listening in) for part of the ride home.  We agree about religion (we're critical of it) but differ on politics (as I've made clear numerous times before). Still, I kept the conversation fairly civil. I just want to keep his mind going about these things, as I get the impression that the only time he really thinks about his beliefs is when I force it on him.

So, to summarize, you know when they say that the two topics you shouldn't discuss at family gatherings are politics and religion?  Umm . . . screw that.  :-)  What should I talk about instead, the weather?  (Oooh, global warming, good one! I'll save that for next year).

Closed-mindedness

I'm back home in California. The week with my parents went pretty quickly. It was a good visit, and even though it's only the second time I've ever been to their new house, it feels like home. I didn't talk with my mom any further about my issues. There's really not much new to discuss with her. Knowing she's okay with it is good enough for now. At one point the thought crossed my mind to open up to my dad, but that didn't last. I did tell him about the testosterone gel prescription though, since he overheard my mom and I discussing it. I just told him that a blood test I had showed my hormone levels to be a bit low. Far from the whole story, of course.

I took an airport shuttle service home once I got back to California. Sitting next to me was an old man who was quite talkative (and a little odd). We talked a bit about the college I went to, then the driver asked him where he was from. He said Pennsylvania, and made reference to the Penn State sex abuse scandal. For those living under a rock, the former assistant coach for the school's football team was found to have sexually assaulted or molested a number of underage boys, and various school officials (possibly including the head coach and the school president) helped cover it up. So, a really messed up situation, and at the center of it a really messed up individual. Anyways, while discussing the scandal with the driver, the old man said something along the following lines about his interpretation of how the school was reacting to the scandal: "Penn State is sending a message out: No pedophiles or queers."

My mouth nearly dropped open when he lumped gay people with pedophiles (not to mention his use of the word "queer" . . . I'm not a fan of that word, even when used in a less derogatory fashion or by gay people themselves). Suddenly this nice, if slightly strange old man had taken a turn and become an intolerant, ignorant and bigoted individual. This was the first time in recent memory that I'd witnessed such blatant homophobia, and he had done it so casually. Now, I know this guy is a product of his generation. I know that his way of thinking is declining. But it still makes me sad . . . and angry.

I guess you could say this entry is a thematic cousin to the last entry, because the core problem here is closed-mindedness. It irks me how so many people come to definitive conclusions about things that they know very little about, refuse to consider things from other points of view, and then become so set in their opinions that they are very hard, if not impossible to change. This one tendency lies at the root of so much human suffering, whether you're talking about a family squabble at the dinner table or wide-scale persecution of a religious minority.

I try very hard to keep an open-mind. I don't know if it's my personality, my upbringing, my scientific background, or a combination (probably most likely), but I always prefer to gather evidence and consider multiple sides before I reach a conclusion. Not to sound conceited, but I feel like humanity would be a lot better off if more people were like this.

Of course, it does have to be a balancing act. This blog is a good example as to why you eventually have to make up your mind. Evidence-gathering can't go on forever. One of my favorite quotes, by Carl Sagan: "It pays to keep an open mind, but not so open your brains fall out." We all need beliefs to get by in life because there are few things that we can really be 100% certain about. Life is all about working with limited evidence. Perhaps the middle ground is to make decisions and form opinions, but always be open to the possibility that you could be wrong. That's why I've long called myself an agnostic rather than an atheist. If I was given credible evidence in God's existence, I would certainly change my mind (lately I'm not sure whether this really bars me from being considered an atheist, but that's a topic for another post).

Anyways, feel free to sound off. Is there such a thing as being too open-minded? Would the world be a better place if everyone were a scientist (as a world-view, not as an occupation)? Any run-ins with homophobic idiots and their ridiculous generalizations?

NYC

I went to the East Coast for another work trip. Took a couple of days afterward to go to Manhattan and visit my older cousin. It was cool. He was the third of my cousins that I talked to about my sexuality, and during this visit we had a pretty long discussion about it. I actually decided to open up way more than I expected to and told him all about everything going on in my life right now, including my visit to the gay bar in Chicago and my attempts to boost my T levels/sexual desire. He was extremely supportive. He really is an awesome guy. I was always closest to him out of the 3 cousins growing up. In recent years we had sort of drifted apart due to distance and his crazy work life and I had gotten closer to my youngest cousin, but now that cousin's work life is craziest of all and I find myself getting closer to the oldest one again.

Anyways, the visit was a lot of fun. We saw some live music and some live improv comedy. We ate at a Russian place, a Thai place, and Shake Shack (apparently I'm the only one who prefers In N Out, haha). We went down and saw the Occupy Wall Street protesters (that is one dense concentration of hippies). And we managed to squeeze in some quality Halo time with his two brothers back in CA.

Monday was my last full day in NYC, so I walked around the city while my cousin was at work. I checked out Chelsea and Greenwich Village, or at least the areas right around 7th Avenue. Those two areas have large concentrations of gay residents. It was the middle of a work day so not much going on. I did walk past the famous Stonewall Inn, where the gay rights movement began.

The morning after I got home I had a dream about having sex with a girl. I NEVER have sexual dreams (hello testosterone gel?) And I've never had actual sex. So it's pretty unusual to have a dream about something I've never done, with the sex that I didn't think I was particularly attracted to in that way. I don't know what brought that on, but now I'm back to checking out pictures of hot guys. Stupid brain, playing tricks on me.

Big Apple

Just spent the evening packing for my big trip tomorrow. I'm going to New York for a little more than a week (including two nights in Toronto), and I'm excited. Hopefully it doesn't rain while I'm there, the 10 day forecast indicated it might.

Sometimes I think about how if someone I knew just randomly happened to find this blog, they wouldn't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out who I am (hmm, so-and-so went to New York about that same time!). I know the chances of that happening are slim to none, but it still makes me think twice about some of the things I choose to write. Oh well, the safe and easy road hasn't gotten me too far in the past, one has got to take some risks, even minor ones.

After this nice little vacation from work (and worrisome life issues) I will have to try to get back on track as far as figuring myself out. My efforts have definitely stalled since my date with Jenny. Until I return, take care everyone!