First off, I'm happy to report that I feel a lot better than I did last month, especially over the last couple of weeks. It has been just about eight months since my break-up (almost as long as we were together), and I FINALLY feel like I'm making progress in getting over it. Not to say that I no longer think about Ben every day. I do. And I still get into sad moods about it and miss him. But, I'm getting a lot better at avoiding dwelling on the good times, and instead focusing on why it didn't work out (namely, his emotional issues and avoidant attachment style). I'm also trying to put less pressure on myself to move on. Before I was giving myself a hard time whenever I thought of him. I'm trying to cut myself some slack now. No matter what Brody said way back in May, it is NOT abnormal the way I've felt towards Ben. I am accepting that I will always have a place in my heart for him and will feel love for him, and that's fine. Nothing to beat myself up over. Overall I'm in better spirits.
I'm also feeling better because I have prospects again. I've been going out with a guy that I met on Grindr of all places. Though I admit the physical attraction could be better (though he does have a great smile), we really seem to be emotionally on the same wavelength. I met up with him and his friends in West Hollywood last night. He really impressed me, and upon some egging on from his friend I ended up going in for a kiss. After that the door was opened and we spent the rest of the night kissing, hugging, holding hands, etc. It was fun, and it made me think of the time I tried to give Ben a kiss in a gay bar and he wasn't comfortable with it. Once again I'm worried about having moved too fast (though at least it wasn't the first date this time). I am a little paranoid about leading someone on and doing to them what Ben did to me. I know not to necessarily expect instant attraction like I felt for Ben, but it's hard not to want to hold out for that since I've experienced it before. I'll be meeting up with the guy on Tuesday. I plan on having a conversation about how I'm not quite ready to get serious yet, but I do want to keep seeing him and getting to know him. I shall dub him Wes.
I decided that I just want to be friends with Jared. He's a little too introverted, a little too feminine, and the herpes thing is stress I don't need. He is a cool guy though. He came along on a hike today. Also along for the ride was Sam, my break up buddy. He is really a sweet guy. I do have some feelings for him, but not sure I'm interested in dating him at this point. I am enjoying our friendship though.
I also went on a date with a new guy last week who is very attractive and has beautiful eyes. We'll be going out again this week hopefully, so we'll see how that goes.
An interesting development: Nick (the grad student that dropped off the face of the Earth) texted me a few weeks ago. He apologized for never responding and asked if I wanted to meet up to grab a beer. We met up last week. Damn is he cute! And I had a great time with him too. But that disappearing act has "avoidant" written all over it. That and he smokes, which is a major turn off. I do want to still hang with him though. I just know better than to pursue a relationship with him. Mixed signals are a red flag that I am paying attention to from now on. I don't need Ben 2.0.
Since I have a number of prospects and have been having positive dating experiences recently, the dating girls idea has been put on the back burner. Honestly I'm probably better off sticking to guys but I will remain open minded. You never know.
In other news, I am obsessed with Steve Grand. He is the openly gay male country singer (though he doesn't actually agree with the "country" label) whose videos went viral over the summer. He only has two songs but they are hugely catchy and sung from a gay perspective. The first two videos below are his songs.
Also, in West Hollywood the other night I spotted the Andrew Christian models Colby Melvin and Brandon Brown! I was a little star struck, haha. They are a couple and are adorable. Check out the third video below.
