Once again it's been quite a while since I updated. I had quite the difficult decision to make recently.
Things continued to progress with Wes since the last entry. However, I continued to be on the fence about him. Despite the fact that I greatly appreciated his affection and communicativeness, I just couldn't get excited about him. On the physical side of things, he was prematurely bald and had a bit of an overbite, though his smile was nice. On the chemistry side of things I just didn't feel the kind of intellectual compatibility that I had felt with Ben.
Part of me really wanted to continue on with him. He was very into me. He would constantly compliment me, saying how adorable I was. He told me he hadn't felt this way about a guy in a long time. He was super patient, knowing full well I had had my heart broken and was a bit gun shy about getting serious. We did a bunch of things together, including going hiking, going to the movies, and going to the gym. He and his friend (the one that encouraged us to kiss in WeHo) even came down and attended one of my troupe's improv shows with me.
There were several factors that pressured me to make a decision about Wes before things went on much longer. First, his birthday was coming up in a few weeks. I did not want to let him go too close to his special day, nor did I want to feel like I was leading him on when the day came. Second, I continued to want to see other people. When I was dating Ben, I lost the desire to date anyone else because I liked him so much. With Wes, I kept hoping that I would meet someone who would give me a reason to break things off with him. A month after we had first gone out (last Monday), I went out with a new guy and had a really good time. We seemed to have a lot in common, the physical attraction was better, and we seemed to be more on the same wavelength in some ways. Third, I was very worried about doing to Wes what Ben had done to me. I did not want to lead him on, make him think that my feelings were stronger than they really were. If I wasn't feeling it, it was important for me to be honest sooner rather than later.
Tuesday was the latest dinner for the LGBT social group. I invited Wes to come along, as well as my old friend Jake the Australian. Throughout the dinner Wes would reach over and rub my arm as he liked to do. Though I appreciated the gesture, each time he did it made me feel more guilty. When Wes went to the bathroom Jake asked me whether we were dating. My hesitation before responding spoke volumes. I told Jake about how I was worried I was holding out for the same feeling I had felt with Ben. Jake has been going through something similar. Last time we talked we discussed how hard it is to recapture the feeling of one's first love.
I had talked to several other people about it, including my mom, my cousins, friends, and my therapist. Finally I decided I needed to come clean. I had been honest with Wes about how I was taking things slow, but now it was time to be honest that I simply wasn't feeling the same as he was. After the dinner he gave me a ride to my car and I asked him if we could just be friends for now. He was disappointed and a bit confused, but he agreed. Since then he has told me I am still welcome to attend his birthday outing, so that's good.
Since then I have been second guessing myself of course. Even though I don't feel like I led him on, and certainly didn't date him for eight months before being honest, I still feel like I pulled a Ben, like I threw away something good to hold out for some possibly unattainable ideal. One positive thing that has come of this though . . . a lot of my anger toward Ben has faded now that I have been in his shoes. I recognize that letting someone go who is very into you is not easy. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for him, since we had been together much longer and were much more serious.
As for the guy from last week, I went out with him again yesterday to see a movie. I enjoyed his company, but the conversation seemed just a little bit more strained this time. I texted him earlier to see if he wants to hang out again this week, but no response yet.
My mood is still fairly good. I've taken to snapping my wrist with a rubber band whenever I start thinking about Ben at work. I also am keeping a gratitude journal and using a website called Happify which has exercises designed to improve the quality of your life. I am constantly on the look out for new ways to appreciate what I have and not get down about having lost Ben.
So if anyone has any further ideas, I'd love to hear them!
