Jenny I've got your number

First of all, I wanted to thank those who have commented on my entries thus far, including Mike, Aek, K, and W. I really appreciate your feedback.

Well, I called my friend to see if he had talked to the girl. Let's call her Jenny, just because I have "867-5309" stuck in my head right now. Turns out he is on a trip out of state but he did talk to her before he left. And she said it would be ok for him to give me her number. So he did. And now the ball's in my court. One thing I am trying to teach myself is to take things a step at a time. It's okay that I haven't nailed my sexuality down 100% yet, I can still just call a girl up and see if she wants to hang out. That is a far cry from a relationship. So hopefully I'll work up the nerve to give her a call within the next couple days. No . . . definitely, not hopefully!

I just wish these things came more naturally to me. I feel like if my sexuality wasn't so jumbled, suppressed, naturally weak, or whatever it is, that the added motivation would have helped me ask a girl out a long time ago. Oh well, mas vale tarde que nunca.

Inching slowly forward

Well, Saturday morning after the party I asked my friend to ask the girl for permission for him to give me her number (if that sentence made any sense at all). We'll see how that plays out. According to my roommate she was into me (going by her body language) and since he has had numerous girlfriends I figured he might know what he is talking about. I did not want to wait until the next party (especially since I would probably just wuss out again). Anyways, I anxiously await the next time I see my friend so I can find out what she said, and then I'll go from there. Hopefully this time it will work out better than it did the last time I tried this.

For a while I've been debating about whether I should talk to my mom about my current issues. She has always been the one that I have taken my problems to. I never really had many close friends that I could talk about serious things with growing up, so my mom has always been my number one confidante. Of course, with this particular issue I felt extremely uncomfortable going to her with it. She thinks of me as this perfect son and the last thing I wanted to do is shatter that image by admitting that I am questioning my sexuality. Plus sex is one topic we have never talked about. Well, after the experience at the party I decided this might be a good time to finally talk about it, since the scale had tipped to the straight side. My mom already knew I was going to counseling, and I'm sure she suspected that I had not disclosed the full reason for it yet. I told her Saturday that I was ready to talk with her about it sometime. First I told her about the party, and the girl, and then I talked to her about my low sex drive suspicions. I figured this might be good groundwork for the discussion to come.

She came into my room the next morning after I had woken up, while I was still lying in bed. She asked if I wanted to talk about it. I was not expecting her to be the one to pick the time and place, and I almost said no. Then I decided it was as good a time as any. So, I used the compass metaphor, about how sex drive is like the needle, blah blah blah, and it's hard to tell which way it points when it's not very strong to begin with. I told her I had experienced attractions to both guys and girls in the past, but in different ways.

Long story short, she took it very well as I had hoped she would. I was rather surprised at how supportive she was (and I really shouldn't have been). She agrees with me that I probably won't be able to figure it all out until I get some experience dating. And she said the magic words: "All I want is for you to be happy." She also agreed that it was probably not the time to talk to my dad about it. I've never been as close to my dad as I am to my mom. In addition he seems to see the world more in black and white than my mom does.

In any case, I guess my next step is to see what happens with this girl, if anything.

Somewhat less mixed up (for now)

So I just spent most of the night talking to a girl that I have had an interest in for quite a while. I don't see her very often, but when I do I feel like we have a connection on some level at least. I cannot for the life of me work up the nerve to ask her out or get her phone number, especially since she is always surrounded by friends. I'm thinking of just getting her number from our mutual friend (with her permission first, of course). I don't know when I'll see her again, so this may be the best option. In any case, I didn't make up my feelings tonight, they were real. I felt an attraction to this girl, and I think she is pretty. I may not be all horny like a lot of guys, but that doesn't mean I wasn't attracted to her. I think I have the potential to be attracted to both sexes, but the idea of a relationship with a girl appeals to me more right now. It's just a matter of finding the right one. I'm feeling the straightest I've felt in a while (let's see how I feel tomorrow, haha). Anyways, I am leaning toward the conclusion that the only way I'm going to clear this up is to get some experience dating. Introspection can only get me so far.

Top O' The Evening

Thought I'd type a quick little entry.

I had a nice weekend. Saw a bunch of family, including some second-cousins. I really wish I knew my extended family more. I also wish I knew more about my ancestry. I'll have to explore genealogy one of these days.

I celebrated whatever fraction of my genetic makeup comes from Ireland tonight. I wasn't planning to, but I ran into my friend at the gym and he invited me to go with him and others to a new Irish pub. It was SOOOO crowded. I'm not exactly a social butterfly and loud environments full of people are usually rather overwhelming for me, but it was a pretty good time. A lot of good looking people (on both sides). And there was one random drunk guy who laughed at one of my jokes and told me he "liked my style," so that was a little ego boost, haha. See, a complete stranger can think I'm funny. Well, a completely drunk complete stranger, anyway.

Can you see the real me, Doctor . . . Doctor

Bonus points to whoever knows what song the title of this post comes from.

Anyways, I've been talking to a counselor once a week for the past few weeks. It was something that I considered doing for a while, until I finally decided to try it out. Now, I'm a person who prefers to solve my problems on my own. However, after agonizing over these issues for the entirety of college, I was ready to recognize that I needed to try a new approach. I think that, combined with blogging/chatting, it is definitely helpful. Today I opened up quite a lot and it felt good to just talk about some of these things that I have been holding in so long and trying to deal with on my own.

I think I am closing in on what the problem is (or at least part of the problem). My sex drive seems to be a bit lower than the average guy. Let's say sex drive is like a compass needle. For many guys (straight or gay), the sex drive is rather strong, and consequently they have little trouble telling which way the needle points. Mine being a little weaker (whether it is naturally that way, or psychologically suppressed, or some combination I'm not really sure) makes it less obvious. It's not exactly a new discovery (I've known for a long time sexual fantasies don't come as naturally to me as they do for some), but for some reason it still feels like a revelation. Maybe I'm looking at it in a new light, as a possible explanation for my confusion. I feel like I'm on the right track as far as figuring this out. And I no longer feel like I have to face this completely on my own.

And in other news, I saw both a girl and a guy today that I thought were attractive. So, yeah . . . not much headway in that department, haha.

That's it for now. Oh, and thank you to all who have left me comments!!

Ramblings about girls and stuff

I just briefly saw the girl whom I have considered asking out in the past. She is a friend of my roommate, and I see her periodically when he has a party or get-together. Really nice and pretty and into music, but I can't tell whether she has any interest in me. Of course, I would have enough trouble asking her out due to my shy nature and lack of self-confidence, but now this Confusion with a capital C is weighing heavily on my mind as well.

The only girl I ever sorta kinda asked out was another friend of my roommate's that I met at a party (my roommate has got to be the most social person I know, I really admire the way he is able to maintain so many close friendships while at the same time going towards his masters, working, and being in a serious relationship). This girl was beautiful, funny, and a fan of classic rock, which is icing on the cake. My roommate encouraged me to ask her out, but I chickened out of course. However, I decided to try to salvage the opportunity and I asked him to ask her if it would be okay for him to give me her number (phew). She said yes, and I finally worked up the nerve to give her a call. She was living about an hour away at the time, near where my cousin was living, so I asked her if she might want to hang out when I came up to visit him. She said sure, but that it couldn't be a date-date since she was seeing someone (D'oh!!). That discouraged me a bit but I said that was fine.

We made tentative plans to hang out, once she finished studying for a test. At one point she gave me a call and asked if it was okay if some of her friends accompanied us. I said okay, though I didn't like where this was going. Next thing I hear from her, she tells me she still has a lot of studying to do, maybe some other time. Suffice it to say I was very discouraged after that. I never tried giving her a call again after that (stupid of me, probably).

This incident demonstrates two of my worst flaws that I've struggled with. 1) I am overly concerned about what other people think of me. 2) I have a hard time imagining other people finding me interesting. One of my favorite quotes is from Charles Schwab: "A man who trims himself to suit everybody will soon whittle himself away." Well, I think I'm guilty of that. My concern about what others think of me makes my priority to be well liked by everyone, but in doing that I pretty much sacrifice my own personality. Hence my quiet nature. So in a way, # 1 above leads to # 2. My other roommate is a good counter-example. He's very outgoing and puts on a show of confidence and cockiness. There have been many people who find him irritating (heck, I did at first). But those who like him really like him. Maybe the case is that in order for some people to have strong positive feelings for you, others have to have strong negative feelings for you. I don't know. Anyways, it's late and I'm sleepy.

Two to zip

My accomplishment of the night is learning to play "Name" and "Slide" by the Goo Goo Dolls. They use alternate tunings, but once the guitar is tuned they're not that hard. Guitar has been a hobby of mine since high school. If I had the motivation I could probably be a lot better, but I'm pretty content with my limited ability. It's a nice way to unwind.

And unwinding is definitely what I needed. This felt like a long week. In the early part of the week I was actually feeling pretty good. I think part of it was due to my attempts to change the way I think about sexuality (see the last entry). Work was really busy this week, though, and today the confusion came back in full force. There was a party, and the number of girls that piqued my interest was zero, while the number of guys was 2. One was actually the "crush" (whom I've never met) that I mentioned in a previous entry. He was talking with one of my coworkers, but I didn't try to enter the conversation because I was talking with another guy. This one was probably one of the best looking guys I have ever had a conversation with, and I would be lying if I said that I didn't feel an attraction of some kind. So yet another bit of evidence that I definitely have some level of same-sex attraction. Whether I could comfortably go from that to actual relationships . . . is a rather scary thing to think about. I wish I'd had a girlfriend before! At least I would have some relationship experience under my belt so I wouldn't be in the dark about everything at the same time. Oh well. Que sera, sera. (I always think of that song when I start worrying about the future too much. It helps bring me back to the present, haha.)

Can't you see this is a land of confusion

Some people think of sexuality as being black or white. You're one thing, or another. Kinsey thought that was too simplistic, and introduced the idea of it being a continuum. Two extremes, and an infinite number of possibilities between them. It occurred to me that even that idea might be too simplistic. Maybe part of my trouble is trying to place myself on a one dimensional spectrum when reality is much more complex.

Society is part of the problem. It seems that our society is obsessed with labels and definitions. I hate the term "grunge" as it is applied to early 90's rock. Most of the big "grunge" bands like Nirvana, Soundgarden, Alice in Chains, and Pearl Jam sound NOTHING alike. Each have their own unique style. However, they all became popular around the same time and largely came out of Seattle, so people felt the need to group them together and label them. Not that I'm blaming people for having this tendency. It's how we make sense of the chaotic world we live in.

As far as sexual orientation goes, the labels are obvious. Straight. Gay. Bisexual. Asexual. Makes it sound so simple when it's really not.

I feel attractions to some guys and I feel attractions to some girls, but the type of attraction is not the same. For guys the strongest attraction is visual. I find them "easy on the eyes" so to speak. Not to say that I find girls hideous. It's just that good looking guys capture my attention more. On the other hand I've had a number of crushes on girls that were emotional in nature. Sometimes there are exceptions to the trend, and I will find a girl particularly physically attractive, or I will feel emotionally connected with a guy. Lust doesn't really enter the picture for me, or at least it hasn't yet. I like how a fellow blogger (Aek from "The Masks We Wear") described how he didn't go through the stereotypical "raging hormones" phase of adolescence. Neither did I, and I think lacking this intense sexual drive made me feel abnormal, and set me off on this path of confusion, obsessed with trying to label my sexuality.

I guess the bottom line is that sexuality is a lot more complicated then most people realize. I wonder if any of that made any sense at all. Drop me a line anyone who comes across this, I'm always curious about what other people think.

Other perspectives

I just had a nice chat with a fellow blogger last night. It was very interesting hearing about someone else's experiences, and it had been forever since I'd had a real conversation through instant messaging. Facebook has definitely replaced AIM as my primary means of keeping in touch with friends. Anyways, thanks K, I appreciate your input. Hearing other perspectives is definitely helpful.

I am really suffering from a case of writer's block. Well, more like publisher's block. I write something, then I get unhappy with it and delete it. I guess I'll leave it at that for now. I'm a pretty private person, so this blogging thing does not come naturally, that's for sure. I think it has the potential to be therapeutic though, so we'll see what happens. I'll write again once I have something to say.

A little background

Wow, I wasn't expecting to update this so often. I thought I should write a post about where I'm coming from. Note: this entry was edited after the fact, I toned down some of the more personal parts, haha. Plus it was rather lengthy.

I have always been somewhat sexually repressed I guess. I did not have a religious upbringing, but it was a moral one. I grew up under the impression that things like premarital sex, masturbation, and watching porn were wrong. I'm not sure whether my parents actually ever explicitly taught me this, but those were the values I somehow developed. Thus in high school it was hard to relate when other guys would talk about such things.

The result of this was that by the time I started college I had zero experience in the sexual domain, even by myself. I admitted this to a couple friends and they hardly believed me at first. It confused me how it could be so unbelievable. I had never really had the desire to try such things, and had always assumed that was because of my upbringing. College was the first point when I realized it might be due to more than just the way I was raised. It occurred to me that I might actually be different than my friends, as far as sexual interest goes.

Not to say that I've never had a crush on a girl. There's been several over the years, from middle school through college. There were times when I noticed good-looking guys too though, and at times it seems like for me at this point in time there is more aesthetic appeal in attractive guys than attractive girls. It's easier to imagine myself in a relationship with a girl, but that may be due to society's influence for all I know. Similarly, it's hard for me to take the mental leap from thinking a guy is physically attractive to wanting to be in a relationship with one. Bottom line is, I'm rather confused about where I fall on the spectrum. The simple fact that I'm questioning makes me doubt I'm totally straight, but I'm not comfortable putting myself totally on the other side of the spectrum either.

The first time the thought crossed my mind that I might have the potential to be attracted to guys was my first year of college. I became good friends with someone who seemed to be the answer to my wishes for a best friend, someone I had a lot in common with and with whom I felt I could connect on a deeper level. I kind of obsessed over that friendship a little too much, though my thoughts were not sexual. I was even jealous that he already had someone he considered his best friend. I have since lost contact with him. He moved away and eventually stopped trying to keep in touch. It's years later now but I still am not totally over losing that friendship.

Okay, I'm a little happier with this version. Remember when I said I have the nasty habit of second-guessing myself? Here's evidence for ya.

I drink your milkshake

I saw "There Will Be Blood" the other day. Wow, that is one weird movie. Weird score, weird characters, weird ending. I recommend it though. Definitely memorable, and Daniel Day Lewis is quite amazing. Of course the whole movie I was waiting for the famous "milkshake" line.

I love movies. I actually saw more Best Picture nominees this year then ever before. "No Country for Old Men" was really good, and happened to be filmed in the same location as "Blood" was. "Juno" was hilarious, and I'm glad Diablo Cody won the Oscar for Best Original Screenplay. Not that I only watch Oscar movies. I saw "Vantage Point", "Jumper" and "Cloverfield" so far this year. "Cloverfield" is amazing . . . if you don't get motion sick I highly recommend it. The other two are alright, the critics hated them but I thought they were okay.

I read a story on the internet the other day about a husband and wife who decided to stay together even though the husband came out of the closet. Rather interesting. I am too tired to try to find it right now, but apparently they are happy with where there marriage is and don't feel the need to split up. More power to them I guess. My fear about getting involved with a girl is the risk of breaking her heart later on if I come to that realization about myself. On the other hand, how can I know whether I'm capable of loving a woman if I limit myself for that reason? Ugh.