Getting better

Hello all,

Just been enjoying a relaxing weekend with family. My parents are in town so I've been visiting with them, my sisters, nephews and nieces. My cousin Roger came into town to see everyone as well.

Several bits of news.

First: I actually did hear back from Eric again. He texted me Wednesday morning and even sent a pic of his dad's get well cake. Next best thing to a doctor's note, lol. He even was the one to propose getting together for a date day, such as going to the beach or something. The only downside, he put the scheduling ball back in my court by saying, "If you're ever free on a Saturday..." So much for his promise to meet me halfway this week. So I'm still a little disappointed that he's not more proactive about setting a day, but at least he does want to see me again. I'll probably text him and say I'm free next Saturday, then see what he does with that information, haha.

Tuesday I had a first date with a law student. Quite tall and a black/white mix, which seems to be a pretty cool combo :) Then again I seem to be attracted to guys of mixed ethnicity. Two of the three guys I had kissed previously were a mix (Ben and Josh). I'm not sure about Eric. Guess we can call this new guy Lawrence, because it has the word "law" in it. That's right, I'm original like that. Anyways, we had drinks and chatted. We covered some dangerous first-date topics like coming out experiences and past relationships. Intriguingly, Lawrence was engaged to a woman at one point before coming out. I managed to talk about my relationship very briefly without hinting at how much and for how long its end affected me. Anyways, the conversation was good. I feel my demeanor was nice and friendly throughout, though I may have smiled a little too much, lol. Afterward he walked me back to the structure where I parked and we parted with a kiss. Heck yeah, first kiss number four and it was nice. My first first kiss standing up, and the first done in a public place rather than in a house or a parked car.

I texted Lawrence the next day to let him know that I enjoyed meeting him, and would like to meet up again sometime. He concurred, although I didn't detect much enthusiasm (probably over thinking, it was a text after all). I said I would love to see his new kitten sometime. He responded, "Is that just your way of getting me to invite you up lol" I responded that I wasn't that sneaky, haha. Not sure if he was being flirtatious or what. He hasn't initiated contact since then. I'll probably hit him up soon. I know he's busy getting ready for classes.

Last weekend I finally joined the rest of civilized society and got a smartphone. So of course what do I do that same day . . . Download Grindr. Now before I was against using that app due to its reputation as a hookup app. However, I keep hearing stories of guys meeting their boyfriends on there (including my friend YouTube Guy), so I decided it wouldn't hurt to use it, as long as my intentions are made clear and I don't mind being propositioned once in a while.

I got into conversations with several guys. One happens to be from the state that my parents retired to. Eventually we traded numbers and we've been texting back and forth throughout the week. He went on a business trip to Texas and passed a bit of his downtime chatting with me. He also taught me how to use Emojis, the cute little colorful emoticons. He's pretty cute in his pictures and seems really nice. I'm planning to meet up with him in a few days.

Another guy from Grindr lives near where I'm staying this weekend. Once I leave my sister's house I'm planning to meet up with him. We traded Instagram info. He's really cute.

Other bit of news this week: I got into the local improv troupe. That was exciting. I posted the news on Facebook and got a lot of likes. I was happy, a mood I havent had much since January. Also on Facebook I got some comments of congrats, including from Ben. That got me thinking about him again, sigh. But this troupe will be good. It will give me something to keep my mind occupied. Something I may not have even done if I were still with him.

So, things are going pretty well right now. Nice to not be rejected for once, after being academically and personally rejected at the beginning of this year. Nice that someone recognizes the awesomeness that is Cal. Haha.

Hurray for the world not ending!

Hey all! Glad we all survived the Mayan Apocalypse. The holidays are over. I'm at Ben's right now, typing out this entry on my shiny new IPad mini. I like it a lot, I'm pretty much glued to it, haha. Any recommendations for cool apps?

The downside of the holidays is that I had to spend two weeks apart from Ben. He went to visit his family on the east coast while my parents drove over from the Midwest to visit our family here on the west coast. I talked to Ben every day and video chatted several times. He also got to video chat with my family members, including my parents, cousins, uncle and aunt. The trip was fun, and relaxing. Work has been crazy hectic since I've been back, though. And I've been stressing about applications. They're not going so well. I may need to try again, which wouldn't be so bad if I didn't feel my twenties dwindling. My cousin just turned 30 on Christmas Day, which is pretty crazy to think about.

Reuniting with Ben on Friday night was great. Yesterday he finally got to meet a couple of my best friends whom he hadn't met yet. They are brothers, and I have known them since I was six years old. They are also Mormon, so it took me a while to tell them about Ben for fear of how they would react. However, they are totally cool with it, and they got along great with Ben. We went to the beach and flew a kite (something I hadn't done since I was a kid). It was a special fitness kite that Ben got for Christmas. Afterward we saw "Django Unchained." Overall a very fun day.

I had an interesting experience during the night. Around midnight I woke abruptly to Ben leaping out of bed and running out of his room. I was very confused, and thought I detected the ground shaking. I had no idea what was going on. I thought it was an earthquake, and Ben had just ditched me and run away. I lay in bed dumbstruck and a little frightened. After several moments, Ben returned. He asked me, "What just happened? I woke up in the hallway." It turns out it was a night terror. Ben has a history of sleepwalking, but this was the first time I experienced it firsthand. As for the shaking, I could not find any reports of an earthquake at that time. Perhaps I was disoriented, or the bed was shaking from Ben's sudden departure. Also, Ben's housemate told us this morning that she heard Ben scream. Anyways, now that I've experienced Ben having a night terror I'll know what to expect if it happens again.

Until next time!

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I'm at my parents' house in the Midwest right now. It's been a great trip so far. Ben and my parents get along great. Yesterday we went out on the lake in my parents' pontoon boat, and both Ben and I got to steer. Tonight my parents will be having several friends over for dinner. Ben will no doubt be introduced as my "friend," which is fine.

I'm feeling a lot better about our relationship then when I last wrote. I had a little talk with Ben the other night before we left about the affection thing and my concerns. He said that he is generally rather low on the affection scale, that it has nothing to do with me in particular. At the same time, lately he seems to have been a bit more affectionate than usual, which I greatly appreciate. It's a matter of give and take.

I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving with good food and good company. I am so thankful for my friends and family, and for my relationship with Ben. I am also thankful for this blog, and for all of my readers and your advice. Thank you all so much! I have grown so much as a person over this last year, and I look forward to the journey ahead!

Jet settin'

Hello all!

I've been meaning to write an entry for a while, I've just been very busy. Well, today I got a comment from fan of casey wondering what's going on, so I figured I'd oblige :-)

First of all, I'm doing away with the song title thing like I said I would. Too hard. I'll still include a song though. A new song that I like, or an old song that's stuck in my head. Today's pick is the new single by Muse, "Madness," in honor of the release of their new album tomorrow.

The last week saw a lot of travelling. First, Ben and I took our first plane trip together, flying up to San Francisco for a long weekend. Unfortunately it was for my job, so I had to sit in meetings for much of the time. The up-side of course was getting the room and my flight paid for. The best part: I got to meet YouTube Guy! He was in town with his boyfriend of six months. It was really great meeting them and spending time with another gay couple. YouTube Guy and I have been through somewhat parallel journeys over the past year since we first connected, and we've been dating our boyfriends about the same amount of time (Ben and I are at five months in a couple days). We had an awesome time hanging out together, and they even took Ben around the city in their rental car while I was in a meeting.

One thing we did was visit the famous Castro district. Wow, is that like another world or what? Gay couples everywhere (not to mention naked dudes . . . and not of the eye candy variety) . . . Ben and I could totally walk around that part of town holding hands without a second thought. Unfortunately not all of SF was quite as tolerant. While holding hands elsewhere in the city we inadvertently walked in front of a street preacher who admonished us by shouting "One virgin man, one virgin woman! No man and man!" We just chuckled it off and kept walking. Thinking back on it later though, I realized that was the first time I've had homophobia directed at me. We were definitely more careful after that.

After San Francisco we flew back home and I went to work for one day before flying off to Upstate New York for another meeting. This trip I was unaccompanied by Ben, unfortunately. The meeting was pretty cool, it was held at a conference center in the middle of the woods. It was absolutely beautiful there, I really wished Ben could have seen it.

After I returned from NY I spent the weekend at Ben's house. His job is requiring him to do some work on weekends, which will make our weekends a little more complicated, primarily because for now I will always have to be the one to come to him. Which is better in a lot of ways since I still have a twin bed. Yes, I know. Unforgivable, right? Ha ha. Ben has trouble sleeping with such limited space, so nights are easier at his place. It does mean if I want to see him I won't have any weekends at home, and I'll spend more on gas. We'll see.

One day over the weekend I overheard Ben telling his friend about my blog (he hasn't read it, he just knows about it). I felt a little bit like my privacy was violated, but then I thought twice about that initial reaction. I never told him the fact that I keep an anonymous blog was off-limits, and he seems to think of it as a cool thing. Even so, I told him later that I didn't feel comfortable having anyone I know in person reading it (well, excluding people I've met through the blog). However, perhaps someday I'll let him read it. And I believe someone suggested that I have Ben write an entry. He'd totally be up for that. I'd just have to ask him to resist the temptation to Google a sentence from his entry to find my blog, ha ha.

Other Ben news: though his finances have been a bit shaky recently he has decided to accompany me to my parents' house in the Midwest for Thanksgiving! Super cool. It's definitely not California . . . they live in a very conservative, religious area. We're both super careful, though. It should be a lot of fun.

Okay, until next time!

Ramble on

Well, I've been saving this title for just such an occasion: a blog entry that has just too much going on in it to find a good title to sum it up :-)

Things have definitely cooled down since I was outed by my cousin and mom to the rest of the family a couple weeks ago. I'm still not happy it happened, but oh well. Everyone seems to be taking it okay.

Ben and I met several members of each others' families last week. First I met his aunt, who was in town for a conference. She was definitely the most comfortable with us, always wanting to take our picture together. Then he met my parents, who were visiting SoCal as their last stop before heading back to the Midwest. It was a good time, they got along fine, but I still feel like my mom is having a hard time dealing with it. I suspect that might be part of the reason why she told the rest of the family. I might suggest to her that she seek counseling or something, since it has helped me so much. Finally, I met Ben's mom, who came to town about the time my parents left. The three of us went biking together. She was very nice, and apparently doesn't have the very conservative political perspective that my parents do. I'm not sure if and when I'd meet Ben's dad, as he is very homophobic, separated from Ben's mom, and doesn't talk to Ben very often (especially since Ben came out to him).

Ben and I had our first major disagreement. Not a fight, not at all. Just a discussion where we, for the first time, had very different opinions. It was about Facebook. Now that I'm out to most of my close friends and most of my family, Ben asked me how I felt about pictures of the two of us being posted and tagged on Facebook. I have several gay friends on Facebook who are completely open about their relationships (heck, there was even one who posted a picture of him standing next to his boyfriend while wearing a shirt that says, "He likes to take it up the ass." Classy) However, I'm a very private person, and frankly I'm a bit paranoid about this kind of thing too. My therapist and my mom have both cautioned me about the pictures I post, because you never know when you'll get investigated by, say, a homophobic admissions committee member. Ben felt very differently. He wants to live completely out in the open, and wants to be able to post pictures just like any other person in a serious relationship would. After a couple of discussions and consultations with others for their opinion, however, he softened his stance. I told him that in an ideal world I would share all of my pictures embracing him with the world, but unfortunately our society still has a ways to go. Until I'm established in my career I just don't think I'll be comfortable living completely in the open. Who knows, maybe I'll change my FB name to a pseudonym like some people do. Anyways, he was understanding and accepted that not all industries are quite as liberal as entertainment and academia.

Overall, Ben and I are doing well. We talk on the phone pretty much three times a day and see each other every weekend. We went to West Hollywood a couple weekends ago, to The Abbey. It was nice being able to be in that environment, where I didn't have to worry about being discreet while kissing him.

One thing I'm really excited about: I'm going to meet YouTube Guy in person! He's coming to San Francisco with his boyfriend in September, and Ben and I are going to meet up with them there. My first double dating experience!

Until next time, Blogworld.

I heard it through the grapevine

Pandora's Box has been opened.

It started out as a normal enough Monday. I awoke next to Ben, stole a couple more minutes of cuddle time thanks to the "snooze" button, and headed off to work after enjoying Ben's special blend of oatmeal (oatmeal + bananas + peanut butter + raisins = crazy delicious)

I called my mom during my lunch break. She and my dad have been up in Northern California visiting my dad's brothers. One is Uncle Pete and the other is Uncle Rob. Uncle Pete is the oldest of the three, and is the father of my three cousins, who are my best friends in the world and my closest confidants. They have played a huge part in helping me through my journey with their understanding and support. Uncle Pete is probably the most outwardly affectionate of the three brothers, and due to my closeness with his sons has long referred to me as his "fourth son." Uncle Rob is the youngest of the brothers. He has two sons who are a bit older than me (early thirties) that I'm not as close to. Uncle Rob is definitely my favorite of the three brothers to talk politics and have intellectual discussions with, as even though he's as conservative as my dad and Uncle Pete, he's a lot more open-minded and logical in conversation.

After telling my sisters about Ben, I had resolved to focus on telling the rest of my close friends, especially since it would be a while before seeing my uncles and aunts again. I also haven't been in a big hurry to tell them because of their conservatism . . . especially Uncle Pete. While talking to my mom on the phone, however, I was in a for a bit of a shock. While at Uncle Rob's house, she had decided to tell everyone there, including Uncle Rob, his wife, his son and his son's wife, and my dad's cousin and her husband. She did this without consulting me first. Why in the world would she do this, why would she go behind my back and spill the beans to so many family members? Well, the first thing that emboldened her was the fact that I was telling all of my friends (indeed, I just told my friend in the navy, let's call him Dave, on Friday, which finished up the list of my closest friends). The second thing: Uncle Pete and his wife already knew!!!!

This one was the biggest shock! How the hell did they find out? They were the most conservative of the family, they were the ones who have Fox News on just about 24/7, who own multiple books written by Ann Coulter, who enjoy Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh, and who had reacted rather negatively when one of my female second cousins had talked about dating girls. Suffice it to say I was dreading my eventual coming-out to them and was hoping to do it very delicately. My mom told me it had been one of my cousins that told them. I was horrified. This is not what was supposed to happen at all. One of my cousins? My closest friends in the world? Telling the two people I'd been most afraid of telling, the ones I wanted to tell very carefully? Immediately I knew which one it must have been. I called up the middle of the three brothers, my cousin Roger. I figured it might be him because, as messed up as it may be, he's the one who is generally the most naive and the least intellectual . . . the only one I could fathom may have slipped up or not realized how much I wanted to tell them at my own pace. He's also the only one who has met Ben.

After talking to Roger for a while, I told him about what my Mom had done and explained how it made me feel and how I preferred to tell people in the family on my own. He didn't offer up an admission, so I went further and told him about finding out that his parents already knew. At this he reluctantly (and cautiously) came clean. One day about a month ago (!) he was talking on the phone with his parents and telling them about his weekend. He mentioned Ben by name, which of course prompted them to ask who Ben was. Rather than lie or just describe him as my friend, he decided to tell them everything. What's more: since then both his brothers had found out about what he had done (and given him quite the tongue-lashing for it, apparently). They didn't tell me because they wanted Roger to fess up himself, warning him that if it didn't come from him it would inevitably come through the grapevine and back to me. Well, he never worked up the guts to tell me, so through the grapevine it did come. 

A few hours ago I called Uncle Pete and his wife and talked with them for an hour about everything. Having lost the chance to be able to be present during their finding out about me, I wanted to give them my side of the story and answer any questions they might have. To their credit, they were very supportive. My uncle was concerned about the difficult path I had chosen, but I told him not being true to myself would have been a lot harder on me in the long run. I also told him about the positive effect that Ben has had on me and on my life these past couple of months (Sunday we hit the 3 month mark). He was concerned about the supposed promiscuity of gay men, but I assured him that both Ben and I are deeply committed to monogamy. I could tell he's a bit skeptical of how lasting our relationship will be.

How am I feeling after this double breach of trust? Well, I'm pretty much okay. After I talked to Ben he was greatly impressed with how well I was taking it (and even asked me whether I was the type of person to internalize my anger, haha).  Actually, I'm more angry with my mom than Roger. Roger's somewhat simple nature made it hard for him to lie to his parents (in fact he didn't even seem to realize the gravity of what he had done until his brothers got on his case about it). Plus his brothers already chewed him out for it and at this point he is truly remorseful. Both should have known better and at least asked me first, but especially my mom. She apologized, but she did it in a somewhat unsatisfactory way ("Sorry if I misspoke"). I still can't wrap my head around what she was thinking. Maybe it was discomfort with keeping the truth from everyone? Maybe she figured it would be easier to ask for forgiveness than permission? I don't know. I wrote her somewhat of a stern email earlier, making sure to remind her to "take other people's feelings into account" when sharing sensitive information. A little dig at her for suggesting I should consider other peoples' feelings after Ben and my PG rated (if that) intimacy "overwhelmed" my brother-in-law. I also took issue with what she said she had told Uncle Pete and his wife: that she "wasn't happy with" the situation. I know she was just expressing her true (if disappointing) feelings, I just wish she hadn't worded it that way. I was hurt by it. Hopefully when she meets Ben (which will happen this week) and sees what an amazing person he is, she will feel a little happier about it all.

Well, that's my story. I've officially been outed to my family. Everyone took it pretty well, which I'm grateful for. The silver lining is that now I don't have to worry about doing it myself, albeit I would have preferred having more control over how it was done. Oh well. What's done is done.

Invisible touch

Haha, this entry's title is a stretch. I wanted to make a follow up entry to the last one. Since the visible touching is what "overwhelmed" my bro-in-law, it seems they want us to somehow invisibly touch, ha ha! So there you have it, the song of the day.

Thanks for your comments, guys. I feel like I want to clarify some things, just in case i wasn't clear enough before. First of all, my sister only told me about her and her husband's reaction because I raised the issue, having been told by my mom. She didn't make any requests of me to tone it down. It was my mom that asked that I take my time with showing physical intimacy with Ben when first introducing him to family. I'd say "bigotry" is a rather strong word for this situation.

Basically, most of my family is very conservative. Not religiously conservative for the most part, just rather traditional. They have very little experience with homosexuality. My mom, when she suggested I slow it down, even said that "it shouldn't be this way," referring to the double standard (i.e., if it had been me with a girl no one would have had a problem with me getting "touchy feely," especially if it was something so simple as an arm around the shoulder or a hand on the leg.

My sister is an amazing person, and she took my coming out very well. My bro-in-law is kind of a stereotypically "macho" kind of guy, so I understand if he has homophobia to deal with. My sister only told him about Ben and me a couple weeks ago. He probably needs some time to readjust to this new information, so I'm willing to give that to him. He sure has selflessly helped me out many many times.

I guess the way I feel is this: I was disappointed by their reaction but I don't blame them for it. If anything I overestimated their ability to adjust, but everyone's different. I'll give them time to get to know Ben better, and will probably also sit them down and have a talk at some point (definitely avoiding words like 'bigotry' and 'homophobia' though, haha). I'm not sure that the best course of action would be to act with Ben exactly as I would act if he were a girl, at least not right away, because we just don't live in that ideal world (yet). As for my nephew and niece, I guess I'll defer to my sister as far as the timing of giving them a talk.

As for how they'll get "used to it"? Well, I guess after they've had a while to get to know Ben I might gradually start ramping up the minor PDA and see how it goes over.

Last order of business: check out http://broandcollege.blogspot.com/, a new blog by a guy I've been chatting with online.

Take care everyone!

Don't stand so close to me

First of all, before I get into this post I want to say how saddened I am by the tragedy that happened in Aurora, Colorado . . . such a horrible, senseless act, and in a place where people go to escape the worries and fears of the world for a while.

As for me, I'm doing well. I had a birthday this week. Another year older. Ben made me a BBQ chicken pizza and homemade hummus, both of which were great. He also gave me a framed picture of the two of us. He is seriously the sweetest, most thoughtful guy.

Now, for the reason behind the title of today's post. Today I spoke with my mom on the phone and she told me what my sister had said about meeting Ben last weekend. Apparently my sister was a bit "surprised" at how comfortable I was showing affection with Ben during this, her family's first meeting with him, and my brother-in-law was a bit bothered by how "touchy-feely" we were. My mom suggested that I should take other people's feelings into account more, and not jump into showing overt displays of affection before giving them a time to get used to seeing me with a guy.

While I understand the issue, I was a little upset by how my mom chose to word it. I try very hard to always take other peoples' feelings into account. My ability to do so is something I take pride in, and I was a little pissed that my mom suggested I was being at all insensitive. Ben and I definitely did tone it down when we were visiting my sister and her family. We were even sitting on separate couches for a while. I hardly even remember what we did do, but apparently I went over to his couch at one point and put my arm around him. Big deal, my brother-in-law has seen me do a heck of a lot more with my cousins, haha. Uhh . . . don't take that the wrong way.

I spoke to my sister later on to clarify the situation, but she pretty much said what my mom had said. She was "surprised" and her husband was slightly "overwhelmed." I explained to her that I'd been dealing with this for a long time, and had been so paranoid about what their reaction would be, that when I found out they were okay with it I guess I overcompensated a bit, especially when my other sister and her boyfriend (the ones we went biking and wine tasting with) were so cool and laid back about it. I guess "okay" is a continuum.

In any case, we cleared the air and from now on I guess I'll keep my hands to myself around them, at least for now. Not sure how to know when it's okay to show affection, though. When will they be "used to it"? And will they give me an announcement when that happens?  "Okay, we're used to it, go ahead and put your arm around him now." I guess I just have to give them more time to get to know Ben. Apparently my nephew and niece haven't actually been told the nature of my relationship with Ben, they just thought we were friends (though I'm sure my teenage nephew probably suspects the truth).

In the end they were still for the most part great about everything, I totally understand about cutting them some slack . . . I guess I was just a little disappointed (and frankly embarrassed) that I made them feel uncomfortable.

Stars

Things are still going really well with Ben. The last two weekends continued the trend of us filling our days together with all sorts of fun activities. The first weekend we did karaoke, went to a rock show, and went hiking in Malibu. The second weekend we went kayaking, went to another rock show, and went wine tasting with my sister and her bf. After that we had dinner with my other sister and her family, including my nephew and niece. That was pretty awkward, as my sister is the one who told my brother-in-law and her kids about Ben, so I wasn't able to control the way it was done. But it went well, everyone was nice and seemed to like Ben. My niece was her usual adorable self. And my nephew was his usual . . . uh, teenage self.

Out of all our activities, though, I must say that one of the most memorable moments was a quiet one. I asked Ben to come out on my sister's trampoline and stargaze with me. It was late, probably close to 1 AM. The sky was amazingly clear (we were quite far inland, away from the big city lights). We even saw some shooting stars! I alternated staring up into space and cuddling with Ben. It was an amazing, relaxing experience, and neither of us are quite sure how long we laid there.

Next on the horizon: a movie extravaganza this weekend with my friends (Batman and Spiderman in one day, alright!!!), a weekend trip later in the month, and a visit from my parents in August. My parents' visit actually overlaps a bit with a visit from Ben's mom, so we may be playing a bit of Meet the Parents soon . . . it's still so early in our relationship for that, but it's kind of hard to control when our parents live so far away. When they come, they come!

Ten years gone

Saturday night was my 10 year high school reunion. And Ben was my plus one.

I was a bit nervous of course, but as with most of these situations I like Ben so much that it really helps to relieve much of my anxiety. I didn't exactly go around introducing him to people as my boyfriend, but it became pretty obvious for everyone soon enough.

It couldn't have gone better. We got all sorts of compliments: "Your boyfriend is really cute," "You guys are so cute together," "I'm so happy you brought him!" I also got the inevitable "I had no idea you were gay!" My response: "I didn't either." Ha ha. Then there was the girl who decided to express her enthusiastic support for gay marriage. One girl shared her opinion that we seemed like we would be together for a long time, which was sweet. There was another gay guy there who was very happy that he wasn't the only one. He took the liberty of grinding up against both Ben and me on the dance floor. Not exactly my comfort zone but I sort of went with it, haha. Ben was a big hit. He's such a friendly, outgoing guy that he got along real well with everybody. And when he took to the dance floor to belt out Bon Jovi during karaoke time a bunch of girls joined him to dance. We also did a duet of "Under Pressure," with him doing the Freddie Mercury part and me doing the David Bowie part. So much fun. And now the cat is out of the bag with a good portion of my former classmates. I told him, "Because of you, I feel like I'm experiencing a level of popularity I never had in high school!"

In addition to that, we also spent time with some of my friends and family members. Ben finally got to meet Rick, who is one of my closest friends. They got along really well. We also went bike riding with my sister and her boyfriend, which was great. I think they both really liked Ben.

Overall it was (yet another) amazing weekend. We spent nearly every waking and sleeping hour together. And because of the holiday this week, it won't be long at all before I see him again. I will most likely drive to his place tomorrow night after work.

This weekend definitely made my comfort level go up dramatically.

The story in your eyes

Hi all,

Ben finally came back from his lengthy trip Monday. I anxiously awaited his arrival at my place Monday night, and when he finally got here it was so great to see him! We cuddled for a while in my room, then went out to get dinner. After that we went for a nighttime stroll through the area, taking some time to sit on a bench overlooking a small man-made lake. I also took another step by introducing him as my boyfriend to my roommate's friend who was over. Maybe I'll say the word louder next time, haha.

Before bed we spent some time getting intimate. Which went quite well. I'm definitely getting more comfortable with that. SOrRy for the lAck of detaiLs . . . this isn't that type of blog :-)

Over the weekend I came out to both my sisters, who live about an hour away. They were both great about it. One had actually taken notice of a picture that Ben's roommate posted on Facebook . . . it was of the two of us together during a hiking trip, Ben with his arm around my waist. YouTube guy had seen the picture and said it wasn't very subtle . . . "Your family's definitely talking," he had said. Well, he was right, it didn't go unnoticed, haha.  Whatever, now that it's out in the open I'm excited to include Ben in our get-togethers now.

I'm definitely feeling closer to Ben lately. I've even shared with him the creative writing project that I started back in 2008. It was a sci-fi/fantasy type story that I had begun writing based on an idea I'd had in my head for some time. It was just for fun, but it ended up getting rather long. I never finished it, but I came close. While he was on his trip I began sending Ben chapters over email. He sounds like he's really enjoying it! It's great to get that feedback, he's the very first person I've shared it with. Maybe he can help me figure out a suitable ending.

As far as doubts/ruminations/anxieties, I'm feeling pretty good right now. I had a bit of a spike the other day where my positive feelings about my MCAT score were undermined a bit and I started to worry about where I'd end up, but I think I have that more under control now. I'm trying to take things a step at a time.

I've brought up some of my worries with Ben. Basically, I'm considered about our long-term future, if we were to still be together a year from now and I were to only get into school far away. There's really no sense worrying about that at this point though.  No need to comment about this aspect of the entry, I know what I need to do and I really would just prefer to focus on the present right now.

Tonight was the first improv class since I came out last week. It was only mentioned once, in a somewhat joking manner by the teacher. Not too bad.

Now I'm just counting down to Friday when I get to see Ben again. We've been talking on the phone several times a day. Yep, one's just not enough anymore, haha.

I'm really liking this guy.

Peaceful easy feeling

I'm back at my parents' house in the Midwest after a week-long road trip through Tennessee. The sightseeing was a lot of fun, especially because I got both of my stresses out of the way beforehand.

I took the MCAT last Saturday. It was really tough, and I don't get to find out how I did until mid-June. I think I did okay, but I'm not sure I reached my target score that would bolster my chances of getting in where I want (namely, California). Oh well, it's done so I'm not going to worry about it.

As for coming out to my dad, I had initially planned to do it at the end of the road trip. In typical fashion for me, I was putting others before myself and not wanting to "ruin" the road trip for him by doing it before. At some point, however, I realized I was being a little over-dramatic, and what would happen instead is that I would be affecting my own enjoyment of the road trip by waiting. I didn't want that cloud hanging over me when I was supposed to be enjoying my time with my parents, so I resolved to do it before we left.  Finally an opportunity arose: my mom went to the store (and not so subtly hinted that it would be a good time to do it), leaving me home alone with my dad. Once I pulled his attention away from TV, I set into a long, somewhat awkward story about my progress as a person over the last couple years. My confidence issues, my career indecision, and finally my sexuality confusion, leading up to the revelation that I had been dating guys and was seeing one seriously.

The reaction: he took it pretty well. Very calmly. After my admission we got into a brief discussion about conservatism vs. liberalism, which led to him basically saying that when it comes to social issues such as homosexuality he is a bit more liberal (of course I had to use the L word, he'd never use such a dirty word to describe himself in any way, haha). Of course he still isn't for gay marriage, but it's basically just the word "marriage" that he's stuck on. Anyways, basically we had the conversation and it went alright. His main issue was that he felt like I hadn't tried dating girls enough to know for sure that it wasn't for me. I had trouble responding to that because, well, it's true. I've only really been on one date with a girl. It took me a while to come up with a response: "Well, I think the reason I didn't date more girls, besides lack of self-confidence at the time, was simply lack of interest." In any case, he's not going to pressure me to date girls or anything, it was just a concern of his. Even after the conversation ended though, I was still uneasy. I felt like something was missing.

My dad's not the best communicator, so if you want something from him you really have to ask for it. He won't volunteer much of anything that isn't a diatribe about Obama or a joke. So later, after I realized what had been missing from our previous discussion, I got him alone and asked him: "Dad, if I find a relationship, guy or girl, that makes me happy . . . where would you stand?" His response: "With you, of course. We both want you to be happy." That was it. That's what I wanted to hear.

Everything being out in the open with both of my parents was extremely liberating. I ended up talking with Ben on the phone every night during the trip, often in plain sight of my parents (the one time I tried to get some privacy by talking in the truck led to me accidentally setting off the truck's horn alarm at midnight in a campground we were staying at . . . uhh oops). I was even able to Skype with him several times using my mom's IPad. It was great sharing my travel experiences with him as they progressed, and hearing about how things are with him back home in CA. We had a number of really good conversations. During one of them, I came clean about pretty much everything that I hadn't been forthright with before: including my past concerns about sex drive, the T gel I'd been using (he's going to smell it sooner or later, though I've been refraining use of it on days when I'm with him), and even this blog. He knew before that I had used blogging to come to terms with my sexuality, but he didn't know until now that I still actively blog (and talk about him). He was cool with it, and with everything else. I assured him that everything I've written about him has been positive :-) Who knows, maybe I'll let him read it someday.

I just talked to him a little while ago, he is currently on a plane bound for the east coast, to return in a couple days. I will pick him up at the airport on Memorial Day, and I can't wait. We are both definitely in the infatuation stage of our relationship, haha.

I've selected this entry's song for several reasons:
1. I've just been through Nashville and Memphis, so I wanted something a little country rockish.
2. "Peaceful easy feeling" pretty much describes my state of mind right now.
3. The Eagles are sort of "the band" for Ben and me. We saw an Eagles tribute band together recently, and he has said that all of their songs now remind him of me :-)

Peace out y'all!

Pinch me

Things are surreal.

It's been a little more than a week now since my relationship with Ben had its big upgrade. Since that time we've talked and texted every day. Since I'll be out of town for the next two weekends, we had made plans to meet up Saturday morning for a few hours, before I had to go off to a wedding.

Friday rolls around and I start thinking . . . you know, why don't I just head up to Ben's house tonight after I pick my mom up from the airport and she goes back to her hotel? So that's what I did. We spent the night cuddled on the couch watching TV, then continued the cuddle fest in his bed :-) And I experienced my very first make out session . . . that's fun.

Saturday morning we slept in and talked a bunch, then decided to go to the store for breakfast supplies. Then, to the sound of 90's alternative rock (Hello Third Eye Blind!) we cooked breakfast. He made scrambled eggs (with mushrooms) while I cooked the bacon, which I actually hadn't done before. It all turned out awesome! It was a beautiful day, so we ate outside in his backyard, along with his roommate. It was so hard to leave for the wedding!

Today was Mother's Day, and since my mom came into town for the wedding she was able to spend it with my sisters and me. I, unfortunately, spent much of the day studying for the big test next week. I still don't feel like I'm quite prepared enough for it. I must say, dating definitely was a distraction this past couple months. But I don't regret it at all. It brought Ben into my life, which has really been great. I've had so much fun with him these past two months that I've known him. Tonight I talked to him on Skype, which was very nice. I will definitely make use of that during my trip to the Midwest.

When I'm with Ben, things are awesome. I love talking to him, being around him, and holding him. When I'm not I must admit it kind of hits me what I'm doing. Things are out of the hypothetical now. I'm a gay guy doing gay things. The implications are far-reaching. First up . . . telling my father. Oh boy.

Go with the Flow

Hey y'all,

Did quite a bit of communication by phone today.

First I called my mom, who lives out in the Midwest.
Her: "Are you calling about the tornadoes?"
Me: "What tornadoes?"
So, I hadn't checked the news yet. Apparently a series of tornadoes swept across the Midwest this morning, did a lot of damage and caused some deaths. Luckily my parents are fine.

Then, while at work, I received a text. It was from Jake! He was asking how my last improv acting class was last night. Well . . .
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Last night was fun, and a little bittersweet. But, one of my fellow students plans to open up her house to us periodically so we can continue practicing improv. In addition, after class I walked and talked with a couple friends, including 'Demetri,' the trainer friend who had apparently ditched me the other week. I had since added him on Facebook and he had sent me a friendly wall post, so I knew we were good. Honesty, he may have just not even seen me that day, I don't know. Sometimes I get a little too sensitive about how I'm perceived by others. In any case, Demetri invited me and another guy to go for a drink after class, so the three of us hung out for a while. The two of them started talking about girls and inevitably asked me whether I was dating at the moment. I just said no, not right now. No need to complicate matters, haha. I did find myself wanting to relate to them though . . . once again I could feel the doubt creep in, the wonder about whether I couldn't just make it work with a girl . . . Anyways, Demetri dropped me off at my car afterward and said to keep in touch. And I plan to. I love making new friends!
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Anyways, back to today. And no, I didn't text Jake all of that. But we did start texting back and forth for several hours, something I rarely do. At one point he said he was in between flights at the airport, so I decided to surprise him by calling him on my lunch break. Unfortunately he didn't pick up . . . turned out he was eating lunch with colleagues. But later on he called me back and we actually talked for the first time. Gotta love his accent! And he was pleased that I didn't have a feminine quality to my voice (not something he's attracted to). I couldn't talk long before I had to go back to work, but we continued texting until he had to board his flight. It'll still be another week and a half before he returns to California. That's going to be an interesting meeting . . . through all the emails, texts, and phone calls we're going to know so much about each other already, haha!

We have an interesting thing in common. I've written before about how Mike Manning's story on The Real World DC was so helpful to me. Mike is a bisexual guy who used his time in DC as his first time to really get out and explore his gay side. He's attractive, masculine, and just an all-around normal guy. Seeing him and his laid-back attitude toward sexuality definitely helped me in my journey toward coming to terms with being attracted to guys. Turns out, Jake watched that season too, and was helped in the same way!

A short while ago I talked to my youngest cousin on the phone for 2 hours. We used to have really great conversations quite often, but he's been pretty busy with work. So, it was nice to talk like old times. I opened up to him about Jake, rather apprehensively at first but then I just let it flow. I told him how I was worried that by the end of Jake's 2.5 weeks away my expectations would be so high that I would be devastated if we didn't hit it off in person. His advice: go with the flow. It's true . . . if there's one lesson to be learned from all of this, it's go with the flow. It's what I learned from Mike Manning. It's what I learned from YouTube Guy. It's what I learned from the About.com thread and my pen pal Mike. It's what I worked on improving in my improv class. Go with the flow.

 

Hollywood

This weekend was eventful.  Got hit on by an old dude at a West Hollywood gay bar and saw Tommy Lee at a Hollywood nightclub.

Whaa??

Good, I have your attention?  Okay let's back up.

Before the holidays, I received an email from a fellow blogger, El Genio, who lives in the LA area.  It was in response to a post I wrote back in December.  He offered to meet up in person to talk over lunch sometime.  I had met up with a blogger once previously (wow, I'm going crazy with the links here), so the idea of meeting up with someone else wasn't too scary (especially since I've opened up to a lot more people since then).  Last weekend we managed to meet up for lunch.  We had a good conversation, he's a really nice guy.  The major thing I was worried about actually was the size/crowdedness of the restaurant and how it would affect my willingness to discuss personal issues.  But once I got to talking I pretty much though "screw it" and had no problem.  After lunch we parted ways and I left feeling glad that I had taken him up on his offer to meet.

A couple days later I sent him an email suggesting that sometime I tag along with him and his friends when they went to West Hollywood.  Part of my mission to "get out there."  I figured I could meet him the next time I visited my cousin.  I gave my cousin a call to see what weekend would work, and he ended up inviting me to his work party that happened this weekend.  Before the party he had to work for a couple hours, which left me with some free time.  So, I contacted El Genio to see if he was available.  We ended up going to WeHo and having dinner with a friend of his, then they took me to one of their favorite bars.  It was rather early so there weren't very many people there.  I was just checking it out, but at least one older guy was checking me out.  At one point he walks over to me and starts kinda staring at me.  I give him a polite smile and turn back to El Genio's friend (EG was getting drinks at the bar).  Then I look back and the guy (probably a little drunk) says, "This bar smells."  Uhh . . . okay.  "Yeah, kinda does . . ." I say as El Genio returns to the rescue with the drinks.  The three of us step off to the side and the creeper walks off.  Not long after that I had to leave for my cousin's party (with a pit stop at his place since I forgot my license, oops), and EG was nice enough to give me a ride.  So, first gay bar experience where I actually got hit on (sort of . . . that dude needs to work on his pick up lines . . .)  A little awkward, but being among friends helped sooo much.  I didn't feel quite as self-conscious as I did in Chicago.

Then came my cousin's work party at a nightclub in Hollywood.  Tommy Lee was actually one of the DJs (apparently that is a recent pursuit of  his?)  He seemed to be getting really into it.  The music was so loud and bass-heavy that it kept pushing bottles and glasses toward the edge of the table.  Not really my cup of tea music-wise, but in the club setting it's alright.  We hung out with my cousin's colleagues for a while and then called it a night.

Other than my dabbling in the various types of Hollywood nightlife, I mostly hung out with my cousin this weekend.  We saw Mission Impossible 4 (quite good), and yesterday we went to my cousin's gym.  Lots of eye candy in a Hollywood gym, let me tell you.  I'm surprised I got anything done (though I did manage to work legs quite well, my calves were killing me today).  That was actually why I didn't have my license when I went to the bars . . . since I was a guest at the gym I had to give it to a staff member, and when he returned it I put it in the pocket of my gym shorts rather than my wallet.  Oops.  That's okay, I got a tour of the gym and the staff guy was quite attractive and really nice.  I was hoping to see some famous people (Mike Manning or Darren Criss maybe???) but no luck, haha.

Before I drove back to my place tonight I watched American Idol with my cousin, who is a huge fan of it.  I've never watched it much, although I do occasionally watch performances on YouTube.  The last guy on it tonight was a young guy named Phillip Phillips (yep) who's really good looking and has a pretty killer voice.  He sang "Superstition" and then grabbed his guitar to do a really cool rendition of "Thriller."  Earlier there was a brother-sister team that had auditioned last year, but only the sister was auditioning this year.  However, the judges remembered the brother favorably and pressured him into trying out again.  He was a looker with a great voice too, and both he and his sister got invited to Hollywood (even though he hadn't even been planning to audition, haha).  I almost want to watch this season to see how those two guys do.

So my weekend in a nutshell: checked out guys at the gym, went to a WeHo gay bar, went to a nightclub, watched a Tom Cruise movie, and watched American Idol.  LOL.  

Happy New Year!

First post of 2012! I just got back from a week-long car trip with my parents. It was a great time. We visited family all over California. We started here in So Cal with Christmas.  I got to spend time with both sisters and all my nephews and nieces.  I'm becoming a lot closer to my nieces, who are at the fun age (10-12).  My nephews are in their teenage years, and the one I've always been closest to has become waaaay too angsty (sample dialogue exchange between my sister and him:
Sister: (yells his name to come down and see us after he's been holed up in his room with his girlfriend)
Nephew: (yells) WHAT DO YOU WANT???
The other nephew seems much better, he even expressed interest in majoring in something like physics when he gets to college (yay, science!!!)

Next stop was Central CA to visit my dad's younger brother and his wife.  I've always really liked the two of them, especially as I've gotten older.  They have really fun personalities.  My aunt reminds me of Kelly Ripa for some reason, and my uncle sort of brings to mind Steve Martin. Maybe it's his dry sense of humor. He's my favorite of the three brothers (including my dad) to talk politics with, because he actually uses a little thing called LOGIC in his discussions and doesn't get overly emotional. He's good at selling his positions on the issues (he used to work in business), though we did reach an impasse or two. He tried to argue that conservatives are more logical thinkers, while liberals are more emotional and less good at thinking of the financial ramifications of the programs they want to implement. That may be true in some cases, but I think that's a huge over-simplification and could just as easily be argued the other way.  In fact, I looked up a scientific study that suggested the exact opposite of what he said. He wasn't interested in reading it of course, haha.

Final stop was Northern CA to visit my dad's older brother, his wife, and my three cousins/best friends in the world (BFW's?) I did a little more discussing politics with my two cousins that enjoy that kind of thing (oldest and youngest, both so much more open-minded and reasonable in debate than either of our fathers or our uncle) as well as their father (probably falls between my dad and my other uncle on the emotional to logical spectrum).  One interesting thing: my uncle was unaware of Rick Santorum's anti-gay views (not that he necessarily disagrees with them), as well as Michelle Bachmann's numerous mistakes and inaccurate statements that she has become notorious for. What's the sole source of information from the outside world playing in his house all day long? Fox News. Just . . . interesting, that's all.

Then I talked politics with my dad (with my mom listening in) for part of the ride home.  We agree about religion (we're critical of it) but differ on politics (as I've made clear numerous times before). Still, I kept the conversation fairly civil. I just want to keep his mind going about these things, as I get the impression that the only time he really thinks about his beliefs is when I force it on him.

So, to summarize, you know when they say that the two topics you shouldn't discuss at family gatherings are politics and religion?  Umm . . . screw that.  :-)  What should I talk about instead, the weather?  (Oooh, global warming, good one! I'll save that for next year).

Reason-mother

I had a busy day today. After a haircut I went to my work's holiday party, which was held at a restaurant. A couple of the waiters, especially the one that was serving our table, were extremely attractive. You could tell he works out, he had some big guns. I couldn't help but look at him every time he walked by.

Then I went over to my sister's house for a party. A couple of her friends had kids over, and I spent much of the time playing with my niece and the other kids. My nephews are teens now, so I don't see them as much at parties anymore. They go off on their own, usually with girls. Both of my nephews have girlfriends, something I never had. Hard to believe that, at least in the realm of relationships, my little nephews have more experience than I have.

Anyways, I enjoyed the party. I've always gotten along well with kids, and they usually really like me. There was one kid who I remembered from a previous camping trip out to the desert. He had hung out with me while I played guitar. He was obviously pretty bored with the adult festivities at the party, so I hooked up the Wii for him and we played a little bit. His parents were appreciative that I spent time with him, and his mom said, "You should have children some day." Of course I was flattered, but at the same time that activated the ol' worry system that is my mind. Maybe I'd be a good dad . . . but will be? If I end up with a guy, should I be?

Long after I became comfortable in my mind about the morality of homosexuality, I still struggled with the idea of same-sex couples raising children. It didn't seem fair to the child to make them so vulnerable to ridicule and to deprive them of both a male and female parental figure. Now I think I'm more comfortable with it, largely because I realize that many of the potential negatives that come with having same-sex parents can be compensated for, as long as the most important elements are there (love, support, security). This actually came up in my conversation with "Janice" the other night. She suggested that the female role model in a child's life didn't need to necessarily be the mother. It could be a close friend of the family. "Like a godmother?" I asked.
"Yeah," she said."
"Janice, if things were to play out that way for me . . . would you be my children's godmother?" I asked with a smile.
Janice doesn't believe in God (nor do I, I guess you could call me a secular humanist maybe?) so she jokingly responded that she wouldn't want to be called "god"mother.
"What about science-mother?" I asked.
"Reason-mother?" she suggested.
"Sure, Janice, will you be my kids' reason-mother?" We laughed about that.
I won't take having kids off the table, no matter who I end up with.

Closed-mindedness

I'm back home in California. The week with my parents went pretty quickly. It was a good visit, and even though it's only the second time I've ever been to their new house, it feels like home. I didn't talk with my mom any further about my issues. There's really not much new to discuss with her. Knowing she's okay with it is good enough for now. At one point the thought crossed my mind to open up to my dad, but that didn't last. I did tell him about the testosterone gel prescription though, since he overheard my mom and I discussing it. I just told him that a blood test I had showed my hormone levels to be a bit low. Far from the whole story, of course.

I took an airport shuttle service home once I got back to California. Sitting next to me was an old man who was quite talkative (and a little odd). We talked a bit about the college I went to, then the driver asked him where he was from. He said Pennsylvania, and made reference to the Penn State sex abuse scandal. For those living under a rock, the former assistant coach for the school's football team was found to have sexually assaulted or molested a number of underage boys, and various school officials (possibly including the head coach and the school president) helped cover it up. So, a really messed up situation, and at the center of it a really messed up individual. Anyways, while discussing the scandal with the driver, the old man said something along the following lines about his interpretation of how the school was reacting to the scandal: "Penn State is sending a message out: No pedophiles or queers."

My mouth nearly dropped open when he lumped gay people with pedophiles (not to mention his use of the word "queer" . . . I'm not a fan of that word, even when used in a less derogatory fashion or by gay people themselves). Suddenly this nice, if slightly strange old man had taken a turn and become an intolerant, ignorant and bigoted individual. This was the first time in recent memory that I'd witnessed such blatant homophobia, and he had done it so casually. Now, I know this guy is a product of his generation. I know that his way of thinking is declining. But it still makes me sad . . . and angry.

I guess you could say this entry is a thematic cousin to the last entry, because the core problem here is closed-mindedness. It irks me how so many people come to definitive conclusions about things that they know very little about, refuse to consider things from other points of view, and then become so set in their opinions that they are very hard, if not impossible to change. This one tendency lies at the root of so much human suffering, whether you're talking about a family squabble at the dinner table or wide-scale persecution of a religious minority.

I try very hard to keep an open-mind. I don't know if it's my personality, my upbringing, my scientific background, or a combination (probably most likely), but I always prefer to gather evidence and consider multiple sides before I reach a conclusion. Not to sound conceited, but I feel like humanity would be a lot better off if more people were like this.

Of course, it does have to be a balancing act. This blog is a good example as to why you eventually have to make up your mind. Evidence-gathering can't go on forever. One of my favorite quotes, by Carl Sagan: "It pays to keep an open mind, but not so open your brains fall out." We all need beliefs to get by in life because there are few things that we can really be 100% certain about. Life is all about working with limited evidence. Perhaps the middle ground is to make decisions and form opinions, but always be open to the possibility that you could be wrong. That's why I've long called myself an agnostic rather than an atheist. If I was given credible evidence in God's existence, I would certainly change my mind (lately I'm not sure whether this really bars me from being considered an atheist, but that's a topic for another post).

Anyways, feel free to sound off. Is there such a thing as being too open-minded? Would the world be a better place if everyone were a scientist (as a world-view, not as an occupation)? Any run-ins with homophobic idiots and their ridiculous generalizations?

Thanksgiving visit

Happy Thanksgiving everybody! Okay, technically it's no longer Thanksgiving where I am, as I'm in the Midwest right now visiting my parents. But it's still Turkey Day back home in California.

I came on this trip with the intention of not discussing politics with my dad. After all, what are the two forbidden topics to keep the peace at a family gathering? Answer: politics and religion. Pity those are two of my favorite topics. I lasted midway home in the car before I broke the rule. Oops. I can't help it. I want to understand how my dad's mind works, why he believes what he believes, and whether he really is as closed-minded as he often seems to be.

The bad news: He still believes Obama is a secret Muslim (whether or not he still believes he was born in Kenya wasn't entirely clear). He would support ANYONE for president over Obama, including Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum (both come across as religious fundamentalist, anti-science, homophobic candidates with poor critical reasoning skills and a nasty habit of playing fast and loose with the facts). In fact, he doesn't have a problem with a religious fundamentalist becoming president, as long as they are a conservative (he figures they wouldn't have enough power to do anything too destructive . . . and yet he places the blame on so many of the country's problems on Obama). He agrees with Santorum's assertion that the Don't Ask Don't Tell repeal was a mistake. That last one really set me off . . . not yelling or anything (not my style) but I explained to him my feelings about how honesty and integrity should be core values of the military, and those values were harmed by the DADT policy. Not sure I made him reevaluate, but he didn't really argue against that point either.

The good news: Despite his unfortunate position on DADT, he really doesn't seem too homophobic. I asked him at one point whether he thought it more likely for a gay man or an atheist to be elected president (we were talking about how there's a de facto "religious test" for the presidency in this country, since the majority of Americans won't vote for someone who's not religious). He replied a gay man would be more likely, because homosexuality is becoming more accepted in our society. When he said this his tone wasn't harsh like it usually is when he's talking about something he disdains (like liberals). At one point several years ago I had asked him about his thoughts on gay people, and as I recall he believes that it is not a choice (though he doesn't support gay marriage). Also, he's not particularly religious, although when I asked him about his beliefs today he dodged the question.

Anyways, I think I've mastered the way to talk politics with my dad. Let him know explicitly that I'm only interested in discussing the subject if he keeps his emotions under control and tries his best to provide sources for some of the claims he makes so I can do further research on them. I know we're not going to see eye to eye on things, but I'd like to at least understand where he's coming from, and maybe help him see the error of his ways when he makes outrageous claims without backing them up.

In other political news: Michelle Bachmann was the victim of a pretty rude joke on Jimmy Fallon's show. The drummer of the house band, Questlove, decided that the perfect walk-on song for her would be "Lyin' Ass Bitch" by the band Fishbone. She apparently didn't notice at the time, but later demanded an apology from NBC. I can't believe I'm doing this, but I'm actually going to agree with her on this one. I don't care who it is, but you don't insult your own guest. If you don't agree with someone, fine, don't have them on the show. And if you're the drummer of the house band, then that kind of thing is out of your control so suck it up, do your job, and be respectful. Sure, he made news and probably made a lot of Bachmann-haters crack up. But he also humiliated Jimmy Fallon and NBC, and gave the right wing more fodder to complain about the bias of the "mainstream media" (which is exactly what Bachmann did in response). Sorry Questlove, but what you did was classless. When you're dealing with an ignorant person of questionable honesty like Bachmann, you want to act better than her.

Anyways, to wrap this up, I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving and is enjoying time with their loved ones. I know I complain about my dad's political views a lot, but he and I get along fine, and we're really able to immediately transition from a heated political discussion to casual small talk with no hurt feelings. It's good spending the holiday with my parents (and our dog and cat). I don't get to see them very often anymore. Thanksgivings have gotten a lot smaller since they moved so far away from the rest of the family, but they really seem to be happy here. So, I'm happy for them.

NYC

I went to the East Coast for another work trip. Took a couple of days afterward to go to Manhattan and visit my older cousin. It was cool. He was the third of my cousins that I talked to about my sexuality, and during this visit we had a pretty long discussion about it. I actually decided to open up way more than I expected to and told him all about everything going on in my life right now, including my visit to the gay bar in Chicago and my attempts to boost my T levels/sexual desire. He was extremely supportive. He really is an awesome guy. I was always closest to him out of the 3 cousins growing up. In recent years we had sort of drifted apart due to distance and his crazy work life and I had gotten closer to my youngest cousin, but now that cousin's work life is craziest of all and I find myself getting closer to the oldest one again.

Anyways, the visit was a lot of fun. We saw some live music and some live improv comedy. We ate at a Russian place, a Thai place, and Shake Shack (apparently I'm the only one who prefers In N Out, haha). We went down and saw the Occupy Wall Street protesters (that is one dense concentration of hippies). And we managed to squeeze in some quality Halo time with his two brothers back in CA.

Monday was my last full day in NYC, so I walked around the city while my cousin was at work. I checked out Chelsea and Greenwich Village, or at least the areas right around 7th Avenue. Those two areas have large concentrations of gay residents. It was the middle of a work day so not much going on. I did walk past the famous Stonewall Inn, where the gay rights movement began.

The morning after I got home I had a dream about having sex with a girl. I NEVER have sexual dreams (hello testosterone gel?) And I've never had actual sex. So it's pretty unusual to have a dream about something I've never done, with the sex that I didn't think I was particularly attracted to in that way. I don't know what brought that on, but now I'm back to checking out pictures of hot guys. Stupid brain, playing tricks on me.