Warning . . . I've got some Ben-related issues to burn off some steam about. If you're sick of me ranting about him you might want to sit this one out, haha.
Last weekend was fun. I went to a St. Patrick's Day event on the Queen Mary, an old ship in Long Beach that has been converted into a hotel. I went with my friend Nina, her boyfriend Jerry, and his cousin. Jerry's cousin was young (about 22 maybe?) but he was a major cutey. Straight though. Nina and Jerry are great company. I haven't mentioned Nina much in this blog before the last couple weeks because she was living out of state. She's back for now though. She's a friend from the dorms who is VERY open with sexuality. Like, uncomfortably so at times, haha. She's pretty frank about her experiences with both girls and guys. She's determined to hook me up.
As is always the case, I spent plenty of time seeing sights that reminded me of Ben. Tends to happen when you were in a very active relationship. The Queen Mary is right across from The Pike, the shopping center where we first met and where we had our six month anniversary dinner. On Sunday I went hiking with some friends on a great trail that I had last done . . . with Ben. Ugh. But, I have to have new experiences in these places. That way the freshest memories that I associate with them won't include him.
On Sunday night I had dinner with Jake the Australian. It was a lot of fun. He is a super nice guy. We had a lot of catching up to do, since it has been about 11 months since I last saw him. We swapped break up stories. Only for Jake, it was the reverse scenario. He was the initiator of his break-up, because he sensed that his boyfriend was really falling for him but he himself wasn't experiencing the emotions he associates with being in "love." We both knew that this was exactly what had happened with Ben and I. Only I like the sound of this explanation better. Much better than saying we didn't have chemistry. Sometimes its all about word choice. Anyways, hearing Jake's perspective made me feel better. It was almost like having a conversation with Ben by proxy. Jake's still not sure whether the "love" feeling is something elusive that he is chasing. He felt it with his first boyfriend, but he's not sure whether it being his "first" had anything to do with it.
Funny how in our last conversation Ben compared me to a drug addict going through withdrawal. He may have a point, but personally it sounds like he's addicted to this elusive feeling. Now that he's felt it he will settle for nothing less, even if a relationship is otherwise perfectly sound. He may be searching for a long, long time.
Early in the week, I learned via Facebook (damn Facebook . . . a blessing and a curse) that Ben's best friend and his husband finally made it over to visit California. There were pictures of them hiking in the Hollywood Hills. This made me suffer a sadness relapse. I've wanted to meet that couple for a year now, ever since Ben first told me about them. Over the past year I have spoken to them myself several times on Skype, and they even bought me a Christmas gift. Now they finally get over here, and I don't get to meet them because I'm stuck in this stupid exile. Before all I was losing was time, which I was (getting to be) fine with. Give Ben the chance to heal, and myself as well. But now a great opportunity to meet a couple that has inspired me is wasted. I knew on an intellectual level that it wouldn't have made sense for Ben to let me know they were in town and arrange a meet up, since he was the source of the request for continued distance. But on an emotional level I couldn't help but feel a bit of resentment build up . . . a little feeling of betrayal.
I went to the psychologist, as I have been doing a bit more often lately for obvious reasons. I explained to her my goal: end this exile period, reestablish the friendship with Ben and move on. Just like the initial month of no contact, I feel like the exile does me little good since my personality seeks closure. I'm fine with gradual transitions, but sitting around twiddling my thumbs makes me anxious. It is in my nature to be proactive, especially when it comes to building and maintaining relationships that are important to me. Staying active works to distract me, but when I'm idle my mind always returns to the goal at hand.
Before I go on: YES I know I'm still fixating on being friends. I value relationships, that's what I do. The 3 year period where Lance dropped off the face of the Earth drove me crazy and I don't want to repeat it. Time dulled the pain, but did not eliminate it. I wasn't truly able to get over him until I reached out and we reconnected. A quote I found today speaks to this: "The wounds of love can only be healed by the one who made them." I know that this type of closure is not always achievable. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't seek it out when it is. If I'm being naive feel free to tell me . . . but do it nicely okay? :-)
Okay, end of tangent. Anyways, my psychologist recommended that the best way to achieve my goal (being friends with Ben and ending this awkward distance phase) is to be proactive, but not TOO proactive. Rather than waiting for him to make the first move (which may have taken a long time), she suggested I email him to keep the lines of communication open, but to keep it brief and superficial. No mentions of the previous argument, no apologies (she doesn't feel I have anything to apologize for). Just a "check in," which is what he said would be okay once a month or so. I want to make sure my contacts raise only positive emotions, not negative ones.
Another quote that I've had on my mind lately: "The one who loves the least controls the relationship." This is totally true. I may resent it, but the fact remains that between the two of us, Ben loves the least. Therefore, he holds the power. If I want to be friends, I have to play by his rules, even if I felt insulted by them. So if he says only checking in once a month is acceptable, than that's what I have to do.
So, I wrote him a brief email. Basically just summarizing my St. Patrick's Day weekend. He messaged back the next day, and I am happy to report that he didn't reject me, haha. Well, I didn't give him much to reject. I asked no questions, made no offers or suggestions. It was just a report. He's doing well. Enjoying his new job. Glad to hear from me and happy that I'm doing well. His friends' visit was great. He picked them up from the airport near me (10 min away!) because it was cheaper, and bought stuff from the bakery we'd gone to a couple times (5 min away!). Knowing he had been so close to me without calling struck another nerve, but I just need to tell myself that it's not personal. This whole exile thing (I call it that because that's what it feels like) is what he thinks is for the best. Maybe he's right. I just want to move on and get my friend back. Screw the rest of what we had. I'll find someone better for that. Someone who has his head in the right place.
In other news, thanks TwoLives for the suggestion of the story CrossCurrents. I looked it up and promptly got hooked. I read all the way up to the college part of the story. It seems the song you were referring to was "More Than Words" by Extreme. I do love that song and have played it before. Tricky song to sing though . . . hmm, I may have to give it a try :-) Other than that the story is good. Very well written. A lot of the characters and scenarios kind of strike me as unrealistic though. Then again, I wasn't a jock or a popular kid in high school so what do I know, haha.
One line in the story really popped out at me. Something about "a relationship cannot occur unless both people shed their armor" or something like that. It resonated because I think that might partially explain why Ben failed to experience lasting feelings of love for me. He definitely was the more guarded of the two of us. I became very comfortable sharing with him, but I'm not convinced he ever fully shed his emotional armor. I know he had some childhood issues that may have limited his ability to do that. Kind of ironic, he is more comfortable with physical nudity than any other person I've ever known. He'll shed his clothing at the drop of a hat, right in front of his friends. When it comes to emotional nudity however . . . he's a tougher nut to crack.
Which brings me back to the boat metaphor he used on me almost a year ago. He didn't think our boat had a rudder back then. I proved him wrong, but eventually the boat died anyway. He claimed it was due to lack of fuel (chemistry, love, what have you). I'm not so sure . . . it's my suspicion that the real problem was under the hood. The engine was malfunctioning. If he tries to take that engine and just put it in another boat (such as by oh, say, dating women), he's likely to get the same result. It's only when he takes the time to look at himself and figure out what's standing in the way of him feeling love for another person that he'll be able to repair his engine and speed off into the sunset. Here's hoping he's able to do that before too long. I would have loved to help him, but that's no longer my place. He'll have to find a new mechanic. I'm done. NEXT!
Showing posts with label Jake. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jake. Show all posts
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Map of your head
Don't you wish you could read minds sometimes?
My friendship with Ben is growing. Every time I talk to him on the phone we end up chatting for at least 30 minutes it seems. Sunday we texted back and forth about my plans to come up to LA this weekend, and he invited me to go to a karaoke place with him and his friends. I've never done that before, so that should be an interesting experience. Plus it will be the first time I meet some of his friends, other than briefly meeting some of his roommates. Meanwhile I'm trying to interpret various things. For instance, while we were chatting I tried to give him a little motivational boost, since he's been having a rather stressful time at work lately. He responded back with a thank you and said "I've been enjoying chatting with you." An innocent enough statement, but why explicitly state it? In addition, the last time we hiked we shared some food from a cafe in the park. I was going to sit across from him but he suggested we sit next to each other, so I complied. The better to share our food, right? Haha, I don't know. On the one hand I feel like we've gotten to know each other a little bit better since he relegated me to the Friend Zone, so it's possible that these are signs that his affection for me is growing, and he might reconsider dating at some point. Or my wishful thinking could just be leading me to read too far into things. I'm just trying to figure out whether or not my place in the Friend Zone is a temporary assignment. His reasoning for putting me there was that he wanted someone with more experience, so it wasn't that there was no spark or anything. I know he likes me on some level. I'd just like to know whether his feelings are growing at all . . . because I know mine definitely are.
Like I said before, Ben's the only guy I've gone out with that I've felt this way about. Jake had my emotions for a while, but those dispersed pretty quickly after we met up in person. Aaron's the only other one who's managed to build up any amount of affection, though as I said before it's more of a friend connection (I wussed out on giving him the talk by the way, I'd better call him tomorrow). I spoke to a new guy on the phone last night that I was quite interested in, based on his profile. His voice was quite feminine though, which unfortunately was a bit of a turn off for me. I feel bad, and I'll probably still meet up with him if given the chance . . . but yeah, can't help what you're attracted to.
With Ben, it's like he's the whole package. I like his personality, his sense of humor, his looks, his smile, his voice . . . he's super nice, we have several major interests in common, we get along great and time flies by when I'm talking to him. I'm afraid I like him TOO much, and since he already disappointed me once I'm a little afraid of putting myself out there in case he hasn't changed his mind since then. So I guess that's why I'm looking for the signs first. I also don't want to come on too strongly. If I had my way I'd be talking to him a lot more often, haha.
I guess all I can do is just meet up with him this weekend and see how things go.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Talk
Hmm, I'm not sure I'm wild about the new design of this website.
Today's song is "Talk." Because it seems a theme over this entry is conversation. Specifically, a somewhat slow conversation, a great natural conversation . . . and an upcoming uncomfortable conversation.
Today I met up with Jake for the first time since our first meeting. We saw "Cabin in the Woods" which is a crazy movie. I'm a big Joss Whedon fan and he helped write it, plus I'm a big Chris Hemsworth fan too (and he was HOT in this movie). Afterward we chatted a bit about our exploits in the online dating world. I told him about my interesting situation dating both Aaron and his ex-boyfriend, he got a kick out of that. It's strange though . . . now that I'm far removed from the emotional highs of our initial correspondence I realize that Jake and I really don't have super great chemistry. Too many awkward lapses in the conversation, and I felt like I was doing most of the work of keeping it going. I still like him as a friend though, and definitely plan to hang out with him again sometime.
It's different with Ben. I left him a message today and he called back after the movie. We talked on the phone for 40 minutes. Talking to him is very natural. I think I'll go up to LA again next weekend, I definitely want to hang out with him again. He even offered to come down to my area to hang out again, which I thought was really nice of him. After talking on the phone with him today, the glimmer of hope that we could start dating again at some point down the road was strengthened a bit. And even if that didn't happen, I can see us becoming really good friends.
Meanwhile I'm hiking with Aaron tomorrow. I know I probably shouldn't put too much weight in what his ex-boyfriend said about him (clingy, needy), but admittedly it does make me kind of cautious about going any further with him. It sucks . . . I like him just fine. He's a nice guy, and kind of cute. But I'm not really getting relationship-level attraction vibes from him (especially not while my mind is on Ben, haha). So I guess I'll need to have the "friend talk" tomorrow, which I've never given to anyone before. I hope he takes it alright. Then there's the question of whether and how I should remain friends with both him and his ex-bf! Neither knows that I've dated the other one. What kind of crazy reality show did I wind up in?
Today's song is "Talk." Because it seems a theme over this entry is conversation. Specifically, a somewhat slow conversation, a great natural conversation . . . and an upcoming uncomfortable conversation.
Today I met up with Jake for the first time since our first meeting. We saw "Cabin in the Woods" which is a crazy movie. I'm a big Joss Whedon fan and he helped write it, plus I'm a big Chris Hemsworth fan too (and he was HOT in this movie). Afterward we chatted a bit about our exploits in the online dating world. I told him about my interesting situation dating both Aaron and his ex-boyfriend, he got a kick out of that. It's strange though . . . now that I'm far removed from the emotional highs of our initial correspondence I realize that Jake and I really don't have super great chemistry. Too many awkward lapses in the conversation, and I felt like I was doing most of the work of keeping it going. I still like him as a friend though, and definitely plan to hang out with him again sometime.
It's different with Ben. I left him a message today and he called back after the movie. We talked on the phone for 40 minutes. Talking to him is very natural. I think I'll go up to LA again next weekend, I definitely want to hang out with him again. He even offered to come down to my area to hang out again, which I thought was really nice of him. After talking on the phone with him today, the glimmer of hope that we could start dating again at some point down the road was strengthened a bit. And even if that didn't happen, I can see us becoming really good friends.
Meanwhile I'm hiking with Aaron tomorrow. I know I probably shouldn't put too much weight in what his ex-boyfriend said about him (clingy, needy), but admittedly it does make me kind of cautious about going any further with him. It sucks . . . I like him just fine. He's a nice guy, and kind of cute. But I'm not really getting relationship-level attraction vibes from him (especially not while my mind is on Ben, haha). So I guess I'll need to have the "friend talk" tomorrow, which I've never given to anyone before. I hope he takes it alright. Then there's the question of whether and how I should remain friends with both him and his ex-bf! Neither knows that I've dated the other one. What kind of crazy reality show did I wind up in?
Friday, April 20, 2012
Over my head
This dating thing gets crazy sometimes.
Earlier this week I felt a little inundated with messages on OKCupid. At one point it seemed like no sooner did I finish replying to one message that another would come. It has calmed down now, I don't know what the heck was going on.
Then one guy I had been corresponding with IMed me. He seemed like a pretty nice guy. At one point he mentioned how he wanted to crawl into bed, and I agreed that that sounded good. Of course that opened the door to him being a little more directly flirtatious, and he suggested I join him. Throughout the conversation it kept going back to that. I was pretty honest with him about how inexperienced I am. Having been burned by that with Ben I was half expecting the same thing. Instead it just seemed to make this guy more interested. He said my virginity made him respect me more. I don't know, seems to me like this guy would like to be the one to deflower this little virgin, haha. But I'm not quite ready for that . . . call me old fashioned but I'd like to wait for someone I actually have feelings for.
Meanwhile while chatting with him I got another IM from some random guy in Maryland who has eventual plans to move to So Cal. It was late so I had to cut that conversation short, but before I logged off he asked if he could have my Facebook or Skype name. Really dude? I suggested we just stick to the website for now. Kinda weird.
On the other hand there's quite a few guys I'm corresponding with that I think are cute and seem interesting, so we'll see where that goes. They all live kind of far though. Tonight I went out with Guy # 8, who lives pretty close. The physical attraction wasn't too high (honestly I haven't really been too attracted to anyone I've gone out with other than Ben, am I too picky?) but we got along great. Our conversation probably ranked near the top of the first dates so far. One interesting development: this guy used to date Aaron. For six months. When he mentioned Aaron's name I tried my best to keep a poker face and he didn't notice. Apparently this guy ended up breaking up with Aaron because he got too needy and clingy. Interesting. And I'm going hiking with Aaron this weekend, which will be the third time we meet up. I was already thinking of giving him the "friend talk" and I think this revelation might just seal the deal. Just need to figure out how to do it. Maybe I should ask Ben for pointers, haha.
Really I just can't stop thinking about Ben and how much I enjoyed spending Sunday with him. I really need to open my mind to other guys because it ain't gonna happen with him, at least, not anytime soon.
In other news, I'm going to meet up with Jake for the first time since the "no spark" text. We're going to go see a movie this weekend. I talked to him on the phone the other night, which was nice. We had communicated so intensely for that 2 1/2 weeks that it was quite strange to just mostly cut off contact after that.
Also, I talked to my longtime friend who is gay and told him about my dating exploits. He was completely surprised, and very impressed. He said I've dated more guys than he has!
Yeah, I'm feeling kind of overwhelmed right now. I have Aaron and another guy who are interested in me, and now this guy from tonight has already texted me wanting to meet up again. I wish I felt more of a connection to one of them, more than just a friend connection. If it weren't for Ben I would be totally questioning this whole gay thing right about now. Oh well, just gotta keep chugging.
Double whammy of music today. I guess a lot of people get in over their heads.
Earlier this week I felt a little inundated with messages on OKCupid. At one point it seemed like no sooner did I finish replying to one message that another would come. It has calmed down now, I don't know what the heck was going on.
Then one guy I had been corresponding with IMed me. He seemed like a pretty nice guy. At one point he mentioned how he wanted to crawl into bed, and I agreed that that sounded good. Of course that opened the door to him being a little more directly flirtatious, and he suggested I join him. Throughout the conversation it kept going back to that. I was pretty honest with him about how inexperienced I am. Having been burned by that with Ben I was half expecting the same thing. Instead it just seemed to make this guy more interested. He said my virginity made him respect me more. I don't know, seems to me like this guy would like to be the one to deflower this little virgin, haha. But I'm not quite ready for that . . . call me old fashioned but I'd like to wait for someone I actually have feelings for.
Meanwhile while chatting with him I got another IM from some random guy in Maryland who has eventual plans to move to So Cal. It was late so I had to cut that conversation short, but before I logged off he asked if he could have my Facebook or Skype name. Really dude? I suggested we just stick to the website for now. Kinda weird.
On the other hand there's quite a few guys I'm corresponding with that I think are cute and seem interesting, so we'll see where that goes. They all live kind of far though. Tonight I went out with Guy # 8, who lives pretty close. The physical attraction wasn't too high (honestly I haven't really been too attracted to anyone I've gone out with other than Ben, am I too picky?) but we got along great. Our conversation probably ranked near the top of the first dates so far. One interesting development: this guy used to date Aaron. For six months. When he mentioned Aaron's name I tried my best to keep a poker face and he didn't notice. Apparently this guy ended up breaking up with Aaron because he got too needy and clingy. Interesting. And I'm going hiking with Aaron this weekend, which will be the third time we meet up. I was already thinking of giving him the "friend talk" and I think this revelation might just seal the deal. Just need to figure out how to do it. Maybe I should ask Ben for pointers, haha.
Really I just can't stop thinking about Ben and how much I enjoyed spending Sunday with him. I really need to open my mind to other guys because it ain't gonna happen with him, at least, not anytime soon.
In other news, I'm going to meet up with Jake for the first time since the "no spark" text. We're going to go see a movie this weekend. I talked to him on the phone the other night, which was nice. We had communicated so intensely for that 2 1/2 weeks that it was quite strange to just mostly cut off contact after that.
Also, I talked to my longtime friend who is gay and told him about my dating exploits. He was completely surprised, and very impressed. He said I've dated more guys than he has!
Yeah, I'm feeling kind of overwhelmed right now. I have Aaron and another guy who are interested in me, and now this guy from tonight has already texted me wanting to meet up again. I wish I felt more of a connection to one of them, more than just a friend connection. If it weren't for Ben I would be totally questioning this whole gay thing right about now. Oh well, just gotta keep chugging.
Double whammy of music today. I guess a lot of people get in over their heads.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy
Why the song of the day? Because it's been stuck in my head for a week and I'm feeling pretty good about the whole "gay thing" right now, haha.
Why? Well I had a great weekend in Los Angeles, during which I did two things relevant to my on-going journey.
On Saturday night I met up with blogger friend El Genio (thanks again man!) and one of his friends to hit West Hollywood. This time I was able to stay out much later so I got to see three different gay bars, including the famous Abbey. While I didn't interact with anyone outside of the group, I was totally fine in those surroundings (and no creepy old guys coming onto me this time). Also, I enjoyed the eye candy at The Abbey. There were really buff male dancers showing off their moves. I asked myself, "Would you prefer it if they were women?" and the clear answer was "No." I also became a bit more familiar with the layout of WeHo, due to accidentally parking several blocks away from where I was supposed to meet EG. So, next time I won't be as nervous about where I'm going to park.
Sunday was great. I met up with Ben for our first "friend date." We hiked in Griffith Park, the huge park in Los Angeles. It was beautiful! I'd never been there before, and was amazed at how sprawling and pretty it was. Great views of the city and the Hollywood sign. We ate at a cafe in the park, in a very "campgroundesque" area. We also visited the Observatory, which was really cool. We talked the whole time, and I must say at the end of the day I found myself liking him even more than before. Having this not be a date took a lot of the pressure off, so maybe I was more comfortable. In any case I'm excited to have him as a friend. I'm definitely open to more down the road if he ever changes his mind about the experience thing, and/or if he feels the same way. If not, it is what it is. I'm just glad to have met him.
I also emailed Jake to see how he's doing. He emailed back a really nice message and expressed interest in meeting up and catching a movie again sometime. So, it looks like I've made two really good friends via the online dating. Not too shabby!
Meanwhile I got quite a few of messages over the weekend on one of the sites, several of which were from guys that I thought were quite attractive and interesting. Ego boost! We will see how that goes.
Forecast for the week: Wednesday having dinner with my gay actor friend, and plan to finally fill him in on my dating exploits. Thursday going on a date with a new guy. I'm not sure about him . . . he was in a 10-year relationship with a guy starting when he was 18 and is thus now pretty new to dating. However, he's not out and he says his parents are pretty much in denial about his sexuality. Sounds like possible drama to me but I'll give him a chance. This weekend I'll probably go hiking again, this time with Aaron. I wish I was into him more . . . I'm not quite sure what it is. Maybe no "spark," haha. Well, depending on how the hike goes maybe I'll give my very first "friends" speech.
Why? Well I had a great weekend in Los Angeles, during which I did two things relevant to my on-going journey.
On Saturday night I met up with blogger friend El Genio (thanks again man!) and one of his friends to hit West Hollywood. This time I was able to stay out much later so I got to see three different gay bars, including the famous Abbey. While I didn't interact with anyone outside of the group, I was totally fine in those surroundings (and no creepy old guys coming onto me this time). Also, I enjoyed the eye candy at The Abbey. There were really buff male dancers showing off their moves. I asked myself, "Would you prefer it if they were women?" and the clear answer was "No." I also became a bit more familiar with the layout of WeHo, due to accidentally parking several blocks away from where I was supposed to meet EG. So, next time I won't be as nervous about where I'm going to park.
Sunday was great. I met up with Ben for our first "friend date." We hiked in Griffith Park, the huge park in Los Angeles. It was beautiful! I'd never been there before, and was amazed at how sprawling and pretty it was. Great views of the city and the Hollywood sign. We ate at a cafe in the park, in a very "campgroundesque" area. We also visited the Observatory, which was really cool. We talked the whole time, and I must say at the end of the day I found myself liking him even more than before. Having this not be a date took a lot of the pressure off, so maybe I was more comfortable. In any case I'm excited to have him as a friend. I'm definitely open to more down the road if he ever changes his mind about the experience thing, and/or if he feels the same way. If not, it is what it is. I'm just glad to have met him.
I also emailed Jake to see how he's doing. He emailed back a really nice message and expressed interest in meeting up and catching a movie again sometime. So, it looks like I've made two really good friends via the online dating. Not too shabby!
Meanwhile I got quite a few of messages over the weekend on one of the sites, several of which were from guys that I thought were quite attractive and interesting. Ego boost! We will see how that goes.
Forecast for the week: Wednesday having dinner with my gay actor friend, and plan to finally fill him in on my dating exploits. Thursday going on a date with a new guy. I'm not sure about him . . . he was in a 10-year relationship with a guy starting when he was 18 and is thus now pretty new to dating. However, he's not out and he says his parents are pretty much in denial about his sexuality. Sounds like possible drama to me but I'll give him a chance. This weekend I'll probably go hiking again, this time with Aaron. I wish I was into him more . . . I'm not quite sure what it is. Maybe no "spark," haha. Well, depending on how the hike goes maybe I'll give my very first "friends" speech.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Telephone line
Yeah, this song title idea is getting hard, haha. I'll see how long I can keep it up but I might go back to only using song titles when it makes sense.
Anyways, today's song is about a guy who can't get over his failed relationship and keeps calling his ex-lover even though he receives no answer. It brings to mind a pet peeve of mine: when people don't respond to you. It's probably the most frustrating thing I've experienced with the dating websites. I'll message someone, and he'll respond, and then I reply back and that's it. No more messages. Was it something I said? Did he get busy? Or just bored? Hard to say, but it's annoying. Even worse is when someone messages me and then stops responding. I even had a guy tell me I seemed "pretty awesome," then shortly after he stopped responding. Kinda makes the compliment seem less sincere. (As an aside, I got an email from OkCupid saying I'm "among the most attractive people" on the site, and that I'll start seeing more attractive people in my match results. Rrrright . . . I'm sure you say that to all the guys, haha. Nice marketing ploy there.)
The most aggravating case of this has been Conner. I know I didn't really feel "sparks" or anything when I met him a couple weekends ago, but I thought he was pretty cool and wanted to hang out with him again. But he never replied to my text, and he never replied to the email I sent a couple days later. Yet today on Match he looked at my profile again. So . . . what the hell? Some people need to grow some balls and tell you when they're not interested, instead of just being rude and giving you the cold shoulder. I know this kind of thing is common, especially in the world of online dating, but it still pisses me off.
That's what is great about Jake and Ben. Neither of them were interested in pursuing dating further with me, but both had the guts to let me know instead of just cutting me off. Ben even had the talk in person, which I respect. He's also stayed true to his word about wanting to remain friends, as we've already made tentative plans to go hiking again next weekend. As for Jake, we've chatted a bit on Facebook and text. I'll probably see if he wants to hang out sometime.
I also emailed the ol' Facebook acquaintance that flaked out on me before. I figured maybe the reason he was being unresponsive was because he didn't particularly want to help me work through my issues, so this time I emailed him to tell him about all the progress I made. I simply said I wanted to make some more gay friends so if he'd still be up for meeting up sometime that'd be cool. He did respond this time, saying that he's not always good with email and Facebook. He said he's super busy with work but he'll hit me up when things cool down. I don't really expect him to, I guess I just wanted some closure with that. Meanwhile I tried reaching out to another Facebook friend (this one I know a little better . . . but just a little, haha).
In other news, I met up with Guy # 6 today. I'm not really attracted to him, but he's nice so if he calls me I'd probably be up to hanging out again. But I'd make it clear that I just like him as a friend.
Aaron and I will probably get together again this week at some point, so we'll see how that goes. After that I'm probably going to slow down the dating thing for a few weeks as I focus on other things.
Anyways, today's song is about a guy who can't get over his failed relationship and keeps calling his ex-lover even though he receives no answer. It brings to mind a pet peeve of mine: when people don't respond to you. It's probably the most frustrating thing I've experienced with the dating websites. I'll message someone, and he'll respond, and then I reply back and that's it. No more messages. Was it something I said? Did he get busy? Or just bored? Hard to say, but it's annoying. Even worse is when someone messages me and then stops responding. I even had a guy tell me I seemed "pretty awesome," then shortly after he stopped responding. Kinda makes the compliment seem less sincere. (As an aside, I got an email from OkCupid saying I'm "among the most attractive people" on the site, and that I'll start seeing more attractive people in my match results. Rrrright . . . I'm sure you say that to all the guys, haha. Nice marketing ploy there.)
The most aggravating case of this has been Conner. I know I didn't really feel "sparks" or anything when I met him a couple weekends ago, but I thought he was pretty cool and wanted to hang out with him again. But he never replied to my text, and he never replied to the email I sent a couple days later. Yet today on Match he looked at my profile again. So . . . what the hell? Some people need to grow some balls and tell you when they're not interested, instead of just being rude and giving you the cold shoulder. I know this kind of thing is common, especially in the world of online dating, but it still pisses me off.
That's what is great about Jake and Ben. Neither of them were interested in pursuing dating further with me, but both had the guts to let me know instead of just cutting me off. Ben even had the talk in person, which I respect. He's also stayed true to his word about wanting to remain friends, as we've already made tentative plans to go hiking again next weekend. As for Jake, we've chatted a bit on Facebook and text. I'll probably see if he wants to hang out sometime.
I also emailed the ol' Facebook acquaintance that flaked out on me before. I figured maybe the reason he was being unresponsive was because he didn't particularly want to help me work through my issues, so this time I emailed him to tell him about all the progress I made. I simply said I wanted to make some more gay friends so if he'd still be up for meeting up sometime that'd be cool. He did respond this time, saying that he's not always good with email and Facebook. He said he's super busy with work but he'll hit me up when things cool down. I don't really expect him to, I guess I just wanted some closure with that. Meanwhile I tried reaching out to another Facebook friend (this one I know a little better . . . but just a little, haha).
In other news, I met up with Guy # 6 today. I'm not really attracted to him, but he's nice so if he calls me I'd probably be up to hanging out again. But I'd make it clear that I just like him as a friend.
Aaron and I will probably get together again this week at some point, so we'll see how that goes. After that I'm probably going to slow down the dating thing for a few weeks as I focus on other things.
Monday, March 12, 2012
The spark
Hey all,
So, yesterday was the big day, the much-anticipated meeting with Jake!!
And just like that, the saga is over.
He's a really nice guy, and despite having gone through so many topics of discussion in the last two weeks we still managed to sustain conversation all the way through lunch. After that we saw a movie ('Wanderlust' with Paul Rudd and Jennifer Aniston, two of my biggest crushes from 'Friends'). However, I wasn't sure I felt the right kind of connection with him. I knew I liked him, but I wasn't sure if he could be more than just a friend. Still, I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and go out again, in case it was just the awkwardness of it being our first encounter.
Apparently he didn't think that was necessary. I texted him today to see if he wanted to meet up again. He responded rather late, having not gotten off of work until 9:30. Basically he said he didn't feel a spark, but wished me the best and suggested we could be friends and I could teach him to play guitar sometime.
Even though I didn't feel much of a spark either, it still hurt a bit to be rejected (and this is the first time anyone's ever done it explicitly). I still am plagued by the doubts of whether it's even possible for me to feel said "spark" with a guy, a girl, or anybody. I know the spark is not something you can ignite at will, it's either there or it's not. Still, after our lengthy correspondence that went so well I was a little dejected that one date was enough for him to decide the spark wasn't there. What do you guys think, should you be able to clearly feel the spark on the first date and if not, move on? Or should you give someone a chance if they seem nice and interesting enough (like I was willing to do)?
Anyways, so after the plot just thickened last week, now it has thinned back out. However, there's still Ben. After the date with Jake I called him. He sounded happy to hear from me. We chatted for a while and I proposed that I come to Los Angeles this weekend and spend the weekend with my cousin so that we could hang out on his turf rather than meeting halfway. He liked the idea, and even invited me to go out with him and his friends for St. Patrick's Day, if I was comfortable with that. I politely declined--I'm not quite ready for that, not on the second date with a guy--and instead suggested we do something with just us. His idea: a hike, followed by grabbing some food. I thought it was a cool idea. Unlike a movie a hike would give us ample time to get to know each other in a setting other than staring at each other across a table while stuffing our faces (though we'll do that too). And who knows, maybe if we click well enough on the hike I'll end up going out with the gang for St. Paddy's. Any thoughts?
So that's where I stand. Ben has some things going for him: he's attractive (honestly I was more physically attracted to him than Jake), friendly, has good taste in music, loves traveling and writing, is academically oriented, and seems like a caring guy. Potential obstacles: well, the distance for one. Also, unlike Jake he doesn't know how new I am at this (nor do I know how new he is . . . try saying that five times fast). I'm not sure whether he'd have a problem with me being just barely out, or me being completely inexperienced with dating and sex. Not to mention my uncertainty about my sexuality, but we won't go there, haha.
I talked to YouTube Guy today and he mentioned how exhausting dating can be on the psyche. I think I know what he means.
So, yesterday was the big day, the much-anticipated meeting with Jake!!
And just like that, the saga is over.
He's a really nice guy, and despite having gone through so many topics of discussion in the last two weeks we still managed to sustain conversation all the way through lunch. After that we saw a movie ('Wanderlust' with Paul Rudd and Jennifer Aniston, two of my biggest crushes from 'Friends'). However, I wasn't sure I felt the right kind of connection with him. I knew I liked him, but I wasn't sure if he could be more than just a friend. Still, I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and go out again, in case it was just the awkwardness of it being our first encounter.
Apparently he didn't think that was necessary. I texted him today to see if he wanted to meet up again. He responded rather late, having not gotten off of work until 9:30. Basically he said he didn't feel a spark, but wished me the best and suggested we could be friends and I could teach him to play guitar sometime.
Even though I didn't feel much of a spark either, it still hurt a bit to be rejected (and this is the first time anyone's ever done it explicitly). I still am plagued by the doubts of whether it's even possible for me to feel said "spark" with a guy, a girl, or anybody. I know the spark is not something you can ignite at will, it's either there or it's not. Still, after our lengthy correspondence that went so well I was a little dejected that one date was enough for him to decide the spark wasn't there. What do you guys think, should you be able to clearly feel the spark on the first date and if not, move on? Or should you give someone a chance if they seem nice and interesting enough (like I was willing to do)?
Anyways, so after the plot just thickened last week, now it has thinned back out. However, there's still Ben. After the date with Jake I called him. He sounded happy to hear from me. We chatted for a while and I proposed that I come to Los Angeles this weekend and spend the weekend with my cousin so that we could hang out on his turf rather than meeting halfway. He liked the idea, and even invited me to go out with him and his friends for St. Patrick's Day, if I was comfortable with that. I politely declined--I'm not quite ready for that, not on the second date with a guy--and instead suggested we do something with just us. His idea: a hike, followed by grabbing some food. I thought it was a cool idea. Unlike a movie a hike would give us ample time to get to know each other in a setting other than staring at each other across a table while stuffing our faces (though we'll do that too). And who knows, maybe if we click well enough on the hike I'll end up going out with the gang for St. Paddy's. Any thoughts?
So that's where I stand. Ben has some things going for him: he's attractive (honestly I was more physically attracted to him than Jake), friendly, has good taste in music, loves traveling and writing, is academically oriented, and seems like a caring guy. Potential obstacles: well, the distance for one. Also, unlike Jake he doesn't know how new I am at this (nor do I know how new he is . . . try saying that five times fast). I'm not sure whether he'd have a problem with me being just barely out, or me being completely inexperienced with dating and sex. Not to mention my uncertainty about my sexuality, but we won't go there, haha.
I talked to YouTube Guy today and he mentioned how exhausting dating can be on the psyche. I think I know what he means.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
The plot thickens
Hey everyone,
So, tomorrow's the big meet-up with Jake, at long last. I talked to him for quite a while on the phone today. We're planning to meet up for lunch at a Greek restaurant and maybe see a movie afterward. I remember him mentioning a fondness for this one dessert place so I might suggest that as well. Apparently today he talked to his family back home over Skype, and he mentioned me!
Now it gets a bit more interesting . . . I heard back from Ben. I had emailed him mid-week to say I enjoyed meeting him, and to see if he would be interested in meeting up again. After the ambiguous way the first date ended last Sunday I wasn't sure whether to expect a response. However, I knew if I did get one it would probably not be until the weekend, since he's really busy right now at work. Well sure enough, today I got an email from him. He would like to meet up again, and proposed doing so next weekend.
Looks like I have a love triangle on my hands, haha . . . just kidding. I'll take it a step at a time for now. I'll meet up with Jake and see how that goes, then respond to Ben once I have an inkling about what to expect with Jake.
When did my life turn into a friggin' soap opera . . . :-)
In other news, I talked to YouTube Guy on the phone again today. We're actually becoming pretty good long-distance friends, haha. We've been swapping stories about our experiences with dating guys. It's really cool to have a friend like that! Not to mention my online buddies that I talk to fairly often, particularly ClosetCarGuy and GDUSA. Following others' progress while sharing my own is definitely a big help!
So, tomorrow's the big meet-up with Jake, at long last. I talked to him for quite a while on the phone today. We're planning to meet up for lunch at a Greek restaurant and maybe see a movie afterward. I remember him mentioning a fondness for this one dessert place so I might suggest that as well. Apparently today he talked to his family back home over Skype, and he mentioned me!
Now it gets a bit more interesting . . . I heard back from Ben. I had emailed him mid-week to say I enjoyed meeting him, and to see if he would be interested in meeting up again. After the ambiguous way the first date ended last Sunday I wasn't sure whether to expect a response. However, I knew if I did get one it would probably not be until the weekend, since he's really busy right now at work. Well sure enough, today I got an email from him. He would like to meet up again, and proposed doing so next weekend.
Looks like I have a love triangle on my hands, haha . . . just kidding. I'll take it a step at a time for now. I'll meet up with Jake and see how that goes, then respond to Ben once I have an inkling about what to expect with Jake.
When did my life turn into a friggin' soap opera . . . :-)
In other news, I talked to YouTube Guy on the phone again today. We're actually becoming pretty good long-distance friends, haha. We've been swapping stories about our experiences with dating guys. It's really cool to have a friend like that! Not to mention my online buddies that I talk to fairly often, particularly ClosetCarGuy and GDUSA. Following others' progress while sharing my own is definitely a big help!
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Sunday can't come soon enough
Just a couple days until the weekend and I'll finally get to meet Jake. I am so out of my element, it's crazy. We've still been texting and emailing a lot, and being a bit flirtatious too which is totally unlike me. Well, at least unlike me until now!
The other night he texted me on my way home from work to see if I had some time to chat. When I got home I gave him a call and we ended up talking for an hour.
Things I'm liking about him:
1) He's extremely laid back and easy going, which is a trait that people I get along with well tend to have.
2) He's got a great, witty sense of humor. That's definitely a must in my book. He's a lot of fun to joke with. There's been some texts that I sent him that were pretty corny, causing me to second guess what I sent, but then he'll respond with something equally cheesy and crack me up.
3) We share a lot of common interests. We both love movies, traveling, video games, reading, and staying active. Also music, and he's got an interest in learning the guitar . . .
4) His accent. He could probably read me the index of an organic chemistry book and I'd be captivated, haha.
5) He seems to like me! It's not a one-way street with the communications. Either of us will initiate the conversation and pick up where we left off.
Today I sent him a joking message, saying I had something to do this Sunday but for the life of me couldn't remember what. He responded, saying he had the same feeling . . . then he remembered he was meeting up with a guy who 'sounds pretty hot.'
So, completely uncharted territory here. It's been fun, though. I'm trying to keep level-headed about it (key word "trying"). A huge weight off my shoulders is having two things out in the open already: my lack of having had a serious relationship before, and the fact that I am only out to a few people. Neither bothers him at all.
Just play it cool, SoCal, just play it cool . . .
The other night he texted me on my way home from work to see if I had some time to chat. When I got home I gave him a call and we ended up talking for an hour.
Things I'm liking about him:
1) He's extremely laid back and easy going, which is a trait that people I get along with well tend to have.
2) He's got a great, witty sense of humor. That's definitely a must in my book. He's a lot of fun to joke with. There's been some texts that I sent him that were pretty corny, causing me to second guess what I sent, but then he'll respond with something equally cheesy and crack me up.
3) We share a lot of common interests. We both love movies, traveling, video games, reading, and staying active. Also music, and he's got an interest in learning the guitar . . .
4) His accent. He could probably read me the index of an organic chemistry book and I'd be captivated, haha.
5) He seems to like me! It's not a one-way street with the communications. Either of us will initiate the conversation and pick up where we left off.
Today I sent him a joking message, saying I had something to do this Sunday but for the life of me couldn't remember what. He responded, saying he had the same feeling . . . then he remembered he was meeting up with a guy who 'sounds pretty hot.'
So, completely uncharted territory here. It's been fun, though. I'm trying to keep level-headed about it (key word "trying"). A huge weight off my shoulders is having two things out in the open already: my lack of having had a serious relationship before, and the fact that I am only out to a few people. Neither bothers him at all.
Just play it cool, SoCal, just play it cool . . .
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Date # 2
Hello,
I had my second-ever date with a dude today. It was really cool, I liked this guy much better than the first guy I met up with. He was really good-looking and really nice, and we had a good conversation. We also have quite a bit in common: we both love travelling, we're both really into music, and we both enjoy staying in shape. We met up at a shopping/entertainment district in Long Beach called 'The Pike.' At first I assumed we were going to have lunch, but he suggested going to a lounge first. We had drinks there and chatted for quite a while. By that time it was almost 3 and we still hadn't had lunch, so I asked where he wanted to go. He said that he actually needed to get going, because he had stuff to do. We walked back to the parking structure and before we parted ways we talked a bit more. He said he really enjoyed meeting me and thought we should do it again. The biggest road block is that we don't exactly live close to each other, but he said Long Beach was a good location to meet. We hugged and went back to our cars.
Afterward I of course (me being me) started trying to analyze the date to figure out the impression I made on him. Since I have so little dating experience it's hard to determine how much he really liked me. I was worried about how we ended up not doing lunch, but it could very well be that he had stuff to do. Then he mentioned meeting up again, but I wasn't sure whether this was a friendly kind of "yeah, we should do this again sometime" or if he really would like a second date. I figure I'll give it a couple days and maybe shoot him an email or something? He's really busy during the work week so he probably wouldn't respond until next weekend anyway.
Shortly after I got home I got a text from Jake: 'How's it going mate?' We texted back and forth a bit. We've texted at least a little every day since the middle of last week. We're still taking a break from the emails so we can have a better conversation when we meet up (we've already covered many of the topics you would talk about in the first couple dates, haha!)
Long story short, I currently have two prospects: the guy from today (let's call him Ben) and Jake. They both seem like great guys. I know that Jake is interested, but we haven't met in person yet so I'm not sure how that will affect things. Ben's level of interest has yet to be determined.
So the current plan of action: email Ben in a couple days to see if/when he wants to meet up again. Meet Jake this weekend and see how I like him in person. And take it from there. I just can't believe I'm only a couple weeks into dating and I've already met two guys I really like! This has caught me totally by surprise. I'm trying to temper my expectations, but we'll see.
Anyways, good night everyone!
I had my second-ever date with a dude today. It was really cool, I liked this guy much better than the first guy I met up with. He was really good-looking and really nice, and we had a good conversation. We also have quite a bit in common: we both love travelling, we're both really into music, and we both enjoy staying in shape. We met up at a shopping/entertainment district in Long Beach called 'The Pike.' At first I assumed we were going to have lunch, but he suggested going to a lounge first. We had drinks there and chatted for quite a while. By that time it was almost 3 and we still hadn't had lunch, so I asked where he wanted to go. He said that he actually needed to get going, because he had stuff to do. We walked back to the parking structure and before we parted ways we talked a bit more. He said he really enjoyed meeting me and thought we should do it again. The biggest road block is that we don't exactly live close to each other, but he said Long Beach was a good location to meet. We hugged and went back to our cars.
Afterward I of course (me being me) started trying to analyze the date to figure out the impression I made on him. Since I have so little dating experience it's hard to determine how much he really liked me. I was worried about how we ended up not doing lunch, but it could very well be that he had stuff to do. Then he mentioned meeting up again, but I wasn't sure whether this was a friendly kind of "yeah, we should do this again sometime" or if he really would like a second date. I figure I'll give it a couple days and maybe shoot him an email or something? He's really busy during the work week so he probably wouldn't respond until next weekend anyway.
Shortly after I got home I got a text from Jake: 'How's it going mate?' We texted back and forth a bit. We've texted at least a little every day since the middle of last week. We're still taking a break from the emails so we can have a better conversation when we meet up (we've already covered many of the topics you would talk about in the first couple dates, haha!)
Long story short, I currently have two prospects: the guy from today (let's call him Ben) and Jake. They both seem like great guys. I know that Jake is interested, but we haven't met in person yet so I'm not sure how that will affect things. Ben's level of interest has yet to be determined.
So the current plan of action: email Ben in a couple days to see if/when he wants to meet up again. Meet Jake this weekend and see how I like him in person. And take it from there. I just can't believe I'm only a couple weeks into dating and I've already met two guys I really like! This has caught me totally by surprise. I'm trying to temper my expectations, but we'll see.
Anyways, good night everyone!
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Further out
Hi all,
It's been a very interesting week. I am trying to keep up with the "go with the flow" mentality. At the same time, what I have going on with Jake is something new and very exciting for me. We're texting pretty much every day now, even just things like "Hope you have a good day." We've talked on the phone twice now. We're actually deliberately cutting back on the emails to ensure that we don't cover too much before we meet. It's still a week before he returns. It's gonna be a long week. And I really have no idea what will happen then. Ideally we'll click, and the way I see it, at this point worst case scenario we'll just be friends. Which is cool, I always like making new friends. Best case scenario, my first relationship? We'll see.
I also just came out to another person! One of my best friends . . . well really I'd say he is my best friend (especially now!) I've known him since freshman year of high school and we've been good friends since junior year. He was my roommate freshman year of college. We've grown a lot closer over the years, and lately I've been hanging out with him about once a week. I've been working up the nerve to have "the talk" with him for several weeks now. Tonight I finally did it (though it took a while to work up to it). I told him about everything: my confusion, my anxiety and how it exacerbated my career indecision, seeing the psychologist, my worries about my sex drive, the testosterone therapy, the blog, my blog friends and pen pals, the dating website, my first gay date, and Jake. Basically the entire story thus far. His reaction was great, and it turns out one of his other friends came out to him recently too, haha. He also said that him and a couple other friends from the dorms had speculated about my sexuality "many times" before. I guess they were trying to figure out why I wasn't dating girls. My friend figured at the time that I just lacked self-confidence. Anyways, his opinion is that I should tell my dad next. I'm not too enthusiastic about that idea, but we'll see. I actually have another friend that I've recently reconnected with, and this one is gay himself, so he seems a logical choice for the next person to talk to. I've known him since elementary school and he just moved back to the area. I hung out with him a bit yesterday and met some of his friends, and a couple of them were gay too (one was smoking hot . . . but taken).
First things first, I want to see what happens with Jake. Actually, I agreed to meet up with another guy this weekend (still haven't heard from him regarding a time and place but he's extremely busy). My plan is to see how I like this guy, see how it goes with Jake next weekend and if for some reason both are viable for second dates I will decide at that point which way to proceed.
Have a good weekend everybody!!
It's been a very interesting week. I am trying to keep up with the "go with the flow" mentality. At the same time, what I have going on with Jake is something new and very exciting for me. We're texting pretty much every day now, even just things like "Hope you have a good day." We've talked on the phone twice now. We're actually deliberately cutting back on the emails to ensure that we don't cover too much before we meet. It's still a week before he returns. It's gonna be a long week. And I really have no idea what will happen then. Ideally we'll click, and the way I see it, at this point worst case scenario we'll just be friends. Which is cool, I always like making new friends. Best case scenario, my first relationship? We'll see.
I also just came out to another person! One of my best friends . . . well really I'd say he is my best friend (especially now!) I've known him since freshman year of high school and we've been good friends since junior year. He was my roommate freshman year of college. We've grown a lot closer over the years, and lately I've been hanging out with him about once a week. I've been working up the nerve to have "the talk" with him for several weeks now. Tonight I finally did it (though it took a while to work up to it). I told him about everything: my confusion, my anxiety and how it exacerbated my career indecision, seeing the psychologist, my worries about my sex drive, the testosterone therapy, the blog, my blog friends and pen pals, the dating website, my first gay date, and Jake. Basically the entire story thus far. His reaction was great, and it turns out one of his other friends came out to him recently too, haha. He also said that him and a couple other friends from the dorms had speculated about my sexuality "many times" before. I guess they were trying to figure out why I wasn't dating girls. My friend figured at the time that I just lacked self-confidence. Anyways, his opinion is that I should tell my dad next. I'm not too enthusiastic about that idea, but we'll see. I actually have another friend that I've recently reconnected with, and this one is gay himself, so he seems a logical choice for the next person to talk to. I've known him since elementary school and he just moved back to the area. I hung out with him a bit yesterday and met some of his friends, and a couple of them were gay too (one was smoking hot . . . but taken).
First things first, I want to see what happens with Jake. Actually, I agreed to meet up with another guy this weekend (still haven't heard from him regarding a time and place but he's extremely busy). My plan is to see how I like this guy, see how it goes with Jake next weekend and if for some reason both are viable for second dates I will decide at that point which way to proceed.
Have a good weekend everybody!!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Go with the Flow
Hey y'all,
Did quite a bit of communication by phone today.
First I called my mom, who lives out in the Midwest.
Her: "Are you calling about the tornadoes?"
Me: "What tornadoes?"
So, I hadn't checked the news yet. Apparently a series of tornadoes swept across the Midwest this morning, did a lot of damage and caused some deaths. Luckily my parents are fine.
Then, while at work, I received a text. It was from Jake! He was asking how my last improv acting class was last night. Well . . .
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Last night was fun, and a little bittersweet. But, one of my fellow students plans to open up her house to us periodically so we can continue practicing improv. In addition, after class I walked and talked with a couple friends, including 'Demetri,' the trainer friend who had apparently ditched me the other week. I had since added him on Facebook and he had sent me a friendly wall post, so I knew we were good. Honesty, he may have just not even seen me that day, I don't know. Sometimes I get a little too sensitive about how I'm perceived by others. In any case, Demetri invited me and another guy to go for a drink after class, so the three of us hung out for a while. The two of them started talking about girls and inevitably asked me whether I was dating at the moment. I just said no, not right now. No need to complicate matters, haha. I did find myself wanting to relate to them though . . . once again I could feel the doubt creep in, the wonder about whether I couldn't just make it work with a girl . . . Anyways, Demetri dropped me off at my car afterward and said to keep in touch. And I plan to. I love making new friends!
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Anyways, back to today. And no, I didn't text Jake all of that. But we did start texting back and forth for several hours, something I rarely do. At one point he said he was in between flights at the airport, so I decided to surprise him by calling him on my lunch break. Unfortunately he didn't pick up . . . turned out he was eating lunch with colleagues. But later on he called me back and we actually talked for the first time. Gotta love his accent! And he was pleased that I didn't have a feminine quality to my voice (not something he's attracted to). I couldn't talk long before I had to go back to work, but we continued texting until he had to board his flight. It'll still be another week and a half before he returns to California. That's going to be an interesting meeting . . . through all the emails, texts, and phone calls we're going to know so much about each other already, haha!
We have an interesting thing in common. I've written before about how Mike Manning's story on The Real World DC was so helpful to me. Mike is a bisexual guy who used his time in DC as his first time to really get out and explore his gay side. He's attractive, masculine, and just an all-around normal guy. Seeing him and his laid-back attitude toward sexuality definitely helped me in my journey toward coming to terms with being attracted to guys. Turns out, Jake watched that season too, and was helped in the same way!
A short while ago I talked to my youngest cousin on the phone for 2 hours. We used to have really great conversations quite often, but he's been pretty busy with work. So, it was nice to talk like old times. I opened up to him about Jake, rather apprehensively at first but then I just let it flow. I told him how I was worried that by the end of Jake's 2.5 weeks away my expectations would be so high that I would be devastated if we didn't hit it off in person. His advice: go with the flow. It's true . . . if there's one lesson to be learned from all of this, it's go with the flow. It's what I learned from Mike Manning. It's what I learned from YouTube Guy. It's what I learned from the About.com thread and my pen pal Mike. It's what I worked on improving in my improv class. Go with the flow.
Did quite a bit of communication by phone today.
First I called my mom, who lives out in the Midwest.
Her: "Are you calling about the tornadoes?"
Me: "What tornadoes?"
So, I hadn't checked the news yet. Apparently a series of tornadoes swept across the Midwest this morning, did a lot of damage and caused some deaths. Luckily my parents are fine.
Then, while at work, I received a text. It was from Jake! He was asking how my last improv acting class was last night. Well . . .
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last night was fun, and a little bittersweet. But, one of my fellow students plans to open up her house to us periodically so we can continue practicing improv. In addition, after class I walked and talked with a couple friends, including 'Demetri,' the trainer friend who had apparently ditched me the other week. I had since added him on Facebook and he had sent me a friendly wall post, so I knew we were good. Honesty, he may have just not even seen me that day, I don't know. Sometimes I get a little too sensitive about how I'm perceived by others. In any case, Demetri invited me and another guy to go for a drink after class, so the three of us hung out for a while. The two of them started talking about girls and inevitably asked me whether I was dating at the moment. I just said no, not right now. No need to complicate matters, haha. I did find myself wanting to relate to them though . . . once again I could feel the doubt creep in, the wonder about whether I couldn't just make it work with a girl . . . Anyways, Demetri dropped me off at my car afterward and said to keep in touch. And I plan to. I love making new friends!
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Anyways, back to today. And no, I didn't text Jake all of that. But we did start texting back and forth for several hours, something I rarely do. At one point he said he was in between flights at the airport, so I decided to surprise him by calling him on my lunch break. Unfortunately he didn't pick up . . . turned out he was eating lunch with colleagues. But later on he called me back and we actually talked for the first time. Gotta love his accent! And he was pleased that I didn't have a feminine quality to my voice (not something he's attracted to). I couldn't talk long before I had to go back to work, but we continued texting until he had to board his flight. It'll still be another week and a half before he returns to California. That's going to be an interesting meeting . . . through all the emails, texts, and phone calls we're going to know so much about each other already, haha!
We have an interesting thing in common. I've written before about how Mike Manning's story on The Real World DC was so helpful to me. Mike is a bisexual guy who used his time in DC as his first time to really get out and explore his gay side. He's attractive, masculine, and just an all-around normal guy. Seeing him and his laid-back attitude toward sexuality definitely helped me in my journey toward coming to terms with being attracted to guys. Turns out, Jake watched that season too, and was helped in the same way!
A short while ago I talked to my youngest cousin on the phone for 2 hours. We used to have really great conversations quite often, but he's been pretty busy with work. So, it was nice to talk like old times. I opened up to him about Jake, rather apprehensively at first but then I just let it flow. I told him how I was worried that by the end of Jake's 2.5 weeks away my expectations would be so high that I would be devastated if we didn't hit it off in person. His advice: go with the flow. It's true . . . if there's one lesson to be learned from all of this, it's go with the flow. It's what I learned from Mike Manning. It's what I learned from YouTube Guy. It's what I learned from the About.com thread and my pen pal Mike. It's what I worked on improving in my improv class. Go with the flow.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Jake I've got your number
How do you like that title, a little throwback to one of my first entries?
The correspondence with Jake has continued. Yesterday I gchatted with him awhile and shared with him my super-secret YouTube videos of me playing guitar. He was impressed :-) He gave me his number and we texted a bit today. Ugh, the 10th is so far away (that's when he's back in town)! I really want to meet him in person. He seems like a really cool guy, so I really hope we click in real life. I know I just started this game though, so I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much. This trip of his definitely has made an interesting situation. Here we are trading all these emails back and forth, asking and answering questions . . . hopefully we'll still have things to talk about when we meet! Hopefully there'll be chemistry, mutual attraction.
I was never this enthusiastic about dating girls. Hmm . . .
The correspondence with Jake has continued. Yesterday I gchatted with him awhile and shared with him my super-secret YouTube videos of me playing guitar. He was impressed :-) He gave me his number and we texted a bit today. Ugh, the 10th is so far away (that's when he's back in town)! I really want to meet him in person. He seems like a really cool guy, so I really hope we click in real life. I know I just started this game though, so I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much. This trip of his definitely has made an interesting situation. Here we are trading all these emails back and forth, asking and answering questions . . . hopefully we'll still have things to talk about when we meet! Hopefully there'll be chemistry, mutual attraction.
I was never this enthusiastic about dating girls. Hmm . . .
Friday, February 24, 2012
Like Christmas in my inbox
Between Match and messages from various online friends, my email inbox is definitely a lot more lively lately. I've been corresponding with three guys on Match though Jake is the one I'm most excited about. We've been exchanging very lengthy emails. He seems like a really great guy, and I look forward to him returning from his business trip so we can actually meet in person. It also sounds like he came to terms with his sexuality and came out relatively recently (over the last couple years), which takes loads of pressure off of me. I was worried that not being "out" enough or for long enough would be an obstacle for me, but it doesn't seem like that would be the case with this guy. It had been a couple of days since I'd last responded to him, so I was very excited to get an email from him tonight.
I also got an email today from one of my best friends, let's call him Steve. Steve's in the military, so I barely ever see him. In fact, we were only friends for the last two quarters of college before he moved out of California. But somehow (largely due to the wonders of the internet and Xbox Live) we managed to become closer friends despite the distance. One of the great things about Steve is that he'll periodically check in with me, usually via email. All my life I've constantly had to be the one to maintain contact with friends, even close friends. Heck, even family members like my sisters and cousins will go weeks and weeks without calling me, so I'm always the first to call them. I've largely accepted this as my role, and have learned to not take it personally. At the same time, I always greatly appreciate it when a friend is the first to contact me. Steve is good about that. So hearing from him was a treat today.
Then I also got an email from Mike, my email pen pal I wrote about previously. He's been non-stop travelling so it'd been a while since I'd heard from him. Shortly after I sent off my response to Jake I found Mike's message waiting in my inbox. Again I got excited, as his messages are always fun to read. So basically, it was like Christmas morning in my email inbox today.
I also got an email today from one of my best friends, let's call him Steve. Steve's in the military, so I barely ever see him. In fact, we were only friends for the last two quarters of college before he moved out of California. But somehow (largely due to the wonders of the internet and Xbox Live) we managed to become closer friends despite the distance. One of the great things about Steve is that he'll periodically check in with me, usually via email. All my life I've constantly had to be the one to maintain contact with friends, even close friends. Heck, even family members like my sisters and cousins will go weeks and weeks without calling me, so I'm always the first to call them. I've largely accepted this as my role, and have learned to not take it personally. At the same time, I always greatly appreciate it when a friend is the first to contact me. Steve is good about that. So hearing from him was a treat today.
Then I also got an email from Mike, my email pen pal I wrote about previously. He's been non-stop travelling so it'd been a while since I'd heard from him. Shortly after I sent off my response to Jake I found Mike's message waiting in my inbox. Again I got excited, as his messages are always fun to read. So basically, it was like Christmas morning in my email inbox today.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
The latest from acting class and a guy named "Jake"
Next week is the last of my improv classes for this session. I didn't find this session quite as enjoyable as the first . . . we didn't get to do quite as much. But, it was still helpful. And I really love the other students. I love the diversity of ages, professions . . . it's a really cool and fun group. I had a little bit of a disappointment today though . . . There's a guy in the class who's about my age. He's a really nice guy and extremely buff (he's a personal trainer). From his appearance you wouldn't think it, but he's actually quite an introvert. We went to the same school for undergrad and we're both at stages in our lives where we're evaluating what we want the rest of our lives to look like. Consequently we had some good conversations after a couple classes. Since we park in the same location, we made it a point a couple times to walk back together so we can chat. Tonight he didn't wait . . . he knew I was coming out right behind him and he left anyway . . . Now there could be a million simple reasons for that. Maybe he had somewhere he needed to be. Maybe he has other things on his mind (hard to tell with him, he doesn't participate much in class and his shy nature makes him somewhat mysterious). Whatever the case may be, it definitely elicited a bit of an emotional response from me. Why should I take such a thing personally? And show of hands . . . how many would take this reaction as a sign of gayness, just wondering :-)
I also had a nice thing happen though. The person I DID talk to after class was an older guy, a lawyer probably in his late fifties/early sixties. He's really into acting and writing. He complemented me on my performance in one of the improv activities, said I had a good mind for it and asked if I'd ever been into writing or if I was planning to continue with acting. I do plan to continue with improv at least, in some capacity. Maybe take another class in the summer or try out for a local troupe or something. Or maybe just join a club when I continue my education. In any case, it was nice to be complemented. I realize that I seem to have a hard time recognizing when I'm good at something unless someone else tells me I am. That's what being overly modest and self-critical does to you, I guess.
I've been corresponding further with the Aussie Guy. Let's give him a name, how about Jake, that sounds like an Australian name, haha. He seems really cool, I like him! Now, in his latest email he asked me the dreaded question . . . "how long have you been out?" That's kind of my fault, I had asked him a question based on something he said in a previous email, and it kind of led to him asking me this. I'll tell him the truth, and I don't expect he'll have a problem with it since he came out relatively recently himself. Basically, I'm as good as out to my three cousins, my mom, and my friend (Janice). I'm on the verge of telling at least two other friends. If I actually find a guy I like and start dating him, there's nothing stopping me from going further other than nerves. And I know you all will help me with that problem, won't you? Encouraging energy, everyone. :-)
Monday, February 20, 2012
Interesting Day
So, I'm not going to do anything about the old school friend on Match. We were only friends in elementary school, went to different middle schools, and frankly I found out only recently that he went to my high school (we never had any classes together . . . maybe he didn't go all four years? I don't know). In any case, I've made a big step in signing up on that website, and I'm not about to backtrack.
On that topic, I went on what I guess was my very first date with a guy today. He had messaged me on Match and we had corresponded back and forth. He seemed like a cool guy and we strangely enough had the same combination of majors in college, so I decided to ask him to meet up in person. We met in the city where he lives and ate lunch at a place on the ocean. Really nice place. He was cool, nice guy. I didn't really feel much chemistry though. But that's okay, I'm mostly in it to make friends right now. I'm thinking he felt the same way, as he suggested we hang out again sometime.
After that I talked on the phone with YouTube Guy for quite some time. I'm not used to talking so openly about topics such as sex, topics that used to be so taboo in my mind! I distinctly remember telling one of my good friends back in college that I was uncomfortable talking about sex. I was very repressed I guess. It's nice to be opening up finally.
I've also been corresponding with another guy on Match. This one lives in my city and is from Australia! Already the communication seems to be a bit more natural than with the first guy, and we have a lot in common. And did I mention he's from Australia? He's going out of town on a business trip for the next 2 weeks so any meet ups will have to wait, but he suggested we chat online during that time.
Oh, and he's from Australia. Best accent in the world.
G'night mates!
On that topic, I went on what I guess was my very first date with a guy today. He had messaged me on Match and we had corresponded back and forth. He seemed like a cool guy and we strangely enough had the same combination of majors in college, so I decided to ask him to meet up in person. We met in the city where he lives and ate lunch at a place on the ocean. Really nice place. He was cool, nice guy. I didn't really feel much chemistry though. But that's okay, I'm mostly in it to make friends right now. I'm thinking he felt the same way, as he suggested we hang out again sometime.
After that I talked on the phone with YouTube Guy for quite some time. I'm not used to talking so openly about topics such as sex, topics that used to be so taboo in my mind! I distinctly remember telling one of my good friends back in college that I was uncomfortable talking about sex. I was very repressed I guess. It's nice to be opening up finally.
I've also been corresponding with another guy on Match. This one lives in my city and is from Australia! Already the communication seems to be a bit more natural than with the first guy, and we have a lot in common. And did I mention he's from Australia? He's going out of town on a business trip for the next 2 weeks so any meet ups will have to wait, but he suggested we chat online during that time.
Oh, and he's from Australia. Best accent in the world.
G'night mates!
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