I've realized the major issue I'm dealing with has changed. Before I was struggling with the question of whether I'm attracted to guys. Now I've pretty much accepted that I am. So now the major issue is whether I can be attracted to girls enough to still pursue them. I do periodically meet girls that I like. There's just a lot less of the physical attraction that I feel toward certain guys.
I don't know whether to simply be a slave to physical attraction, though. I learned recently about Jean-Paul Satre's concept of "bad faith." Basically, one is guilty of bad faith if he believes that his path in life is predetermined by forces beyond his control. Of course, our choices are constricted by our circumstances, which existentialists refer to as our "facticity." But we are still free to choose between a number of options, and it is bad faith to claim that external forces make the choice for us. Thus, me claiming that I must live a gay lifestyle because I have an attraction towards men would be bad faith. In this way, one could argue that being gay is a choice, so to speak. The attractions are not chosen, but the behavior, the lifestyle, is. I think this is one of the major misunderstandings between the two sides of the gay rights issue. They have different interpretations of "choice." I think the sides arguing about whether or not homosexuality is a choice is pretty counter-productive.
Speaking of the two sides, I guess there were a number of Prop 8 protests yesterday. I have mixed feelings about them. For one thing, why couldn't all of those people mobilize like this before the election? I don't really understand what they hope to accomplish now, other than pissing off the religious right even more. On the other hand, it seems like a fair number of straight people are attending the protests too, which shows it's an issue that is important to more than just those that are directly affected by it.
It's been about a year since I started reading blogs. I feel like I've made progress, though not as much as I would like. Time is of the essence, and I'd really like to choose a side before my 20s are gone. Sigh.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Political and Philosophical Ramblings
Time to make up for the sparse postings with this massive post . . .
So, Barack Obama is going to be our 44th president. No big surprise there. I just really hope he is able to meet at least a fraction of the expectations that have been put on him. Sure, I voted for him. I'm just a little disturbed by the savior-status some people elevate him to. My dad, on the other hand, falls to the other extreme. I was shocked talking to him the other day. He seems to whole-heartedly believe that Obama was born in Kenya, and there is a massive cover-up to conceal that fact since it would make him ineligible for the presidency. Not to mention all of the anarchists and terrorists that he is buddy-buddy with. I really hope I never buy into wacky conspiracy theories like that. Such is the danger of constantly immersing yourself in only one side of a debate. I try to temper any Fox News I watch with MSNBC, or just stick to CNN, which at least seems somewhat balanced.
Prop 8 passed (just barely) here in California, as I'm sure everyone is aware. While I'm still working out my feelings about homosexuality, I was hoping it would fail. However, I'm not too pessimistic about the future. Looking at the demographics of the voters, young people tended to be against the proposition while older people were for it. Thus, as demographics change over the next couple of decades (or even the next decade) the scale will most likely tip in favor of allowing gay marriage.
One thing that bugs me is I find flaws in the arguments on BOTH sides of the debate. The gay rights side's argument is that this is an issue of equality of rights. One group is being deprived of fundamental rights by another group which enjoys them. My friend pointed out an interesting flaw to this argument: as it is now, everyone has the same marriage rights, the right to marry the opposite sex. No one group is being deprived of rights that another group has, despite the argument of gay rights activists. What they want is ADDITIONAL rights, the right to marry the same sex, that would apply to everyone (though gay people would obviously be the only ones who would want to use these rights). Now, supporters of gay marriage would argue that the right that gays are being deprived of is the right to marry the one they love. But is that a fundamental right? What if the one you love is married to someone else? Is that spouse depriving you of your fundamental rights? Just food for thought. I thought the argument was interesting, and couldn't really think of a good response.
My beef with the anti-gay marriage side is probably pretty familiar. The whole emphasis on "protecting the family" and especially the whole "the way it's been for centuries must be right." They had a good point on a local radio show one day: two slutty drunk idiots can get married one night in Vegas, as long as they are a guy and a girl. But a gay couple who have loved each other for 30 years? Nope. Nothing like the "sanctity" of that heterosexual marriage. And don't get me started on the "If Prop 8 fails, they'll teach gay marriage in schools!!!" Those scare tactics are probably what tipped the balance in favor of Prop 8, sadly.
So if I find flaws in both sides, why did I choose to oppose Prop 8? I had to do some serious thinking about my views on homosexuality, and I realized that one of my major hang-ups in figuring myself out is my lingering conflicts about the issue. The increasingly mainstream view is that it is a natural variation of normal sexuality. The American Psychological Association removed it from the list of mental disorders back in the 1970s. Yet it's hard to shake the doubts from my mind. This next part is going to sound extremely controversial, I apologize in advance, the following doesn't represent my opinion, just some of the thoughts I've had lately while trying to figure the whole thing out . . .
If everyone in the world were homosexual, humanity would obviously be in big trouble since procreation would grind to a halt. So homosexuality is okay for our species as long as not too many people practice it. Now of course, in this overpopulated world, you could argue that a little less procreation might be a good thing. But should there be so many preconditions for something to be considered moral? Saying homosexuality is okay, as long as it is limited in scope and the human population is large enough to withstand any decline in procreation?
Then a weakness to this argument occurred to me. Being celibate is not considered immoral. Heck, some religious leaders are required to be. But if everyone on Earth were celibate, humanity would suffer just as much as if everyone were gay. The same number of babies would be born: zero.
So where I stand now is that homosexuality is certainly not optimal in a Darwinian sense, but I think in this day and age consenting adults who love each other should be able to marry. The alternative is way too many loveless marriages. In fact, allowing gay marriage might actually improve the overall sanctity of marriage, since marriage is supposed to be about love.
Sorry if I offended anyone with my ramblings, I just wanted to be honest with some of the arguments that have been going through my mind. Please, anyone who makes it this far, share your thoughts, I'd love to see what you think.
B
So, Barack Obama is going to be our 44th president. No big surprise there. I just really hope he is able to meet at least a fraction of the expectations that have been put on him. Sure, I voted for him. I'm just a little disturbed by the savior-status some people elevate him to. My dad, on the other hand, falls to the other extreme. I was shocked talking to him the other day. He seems to whole-heartedly believe that Obama was born in Kenya, and there is a massive cover-up to conceal that fact since it would make him ineligible for the presidency. Not to mention all of the anarchists and terrorists that he is buddy-buddy with. I really hope I never buy into wacky conspiracy theories like that. Such is the danger of constantly immersing yourself in only one side of a debate. I try to temper any Fox News I watch with MSNBC, or just stick to CNN, which at least seems somewhat balanced.
Prop 8 passed (just barely) here in California, as I'm sure everyone is aware. While I'm still working out my feelings about homosexuality, I was hoping it would fail. However, I'm not too pessimistic about the future. Looking at the demographics of the voters, young people tended to be against the proposition while older people were for it. Thus, as demographics change over the next couple of decades (or even the next decade) the scale will most likely tip in favor of allowing gay marriage.
One thing that bugs me is I find flaws in the arguments on BOTH sides of the debate. The gay rights side's argument is that this is an issue of equality of rights. One group is being deprived of fundamental rights by another group which enjoys them. My friend pointed out an interesting flaw to this argument: as it is now, everyone has the same marriage rights, the right to marry the opposite sex. No one group is being deprived of rights that another group has, despite the argument of gay rights activists. What they want is ADDITIONAL rights, the right to marry the same sex, that would apply to everyone (though gay people would obviously be the only ones who would want to use these rights). Now, supporters of gay marriage would argue that the right that gays are being deprived of is the right to marry the one they love. But is that a fundamental right? What if the one you love is married to someone else? Is that spouse depriving you of your fundamental rights? Just food for thought. I thought the argument was interesting, and couldn't really think of a good response.
My beef with the anti-gay marriage side is probably pretty familiar. The whole emphasis on "protecting the family" and especially the whole "the way it's been for centuries must be right." They had a good point on a local radio show one day: two slutty drunk idiots can get married one night in Vegas, as long as they are a guy and a girl. But a gay couple who have loved each other for 30 years? Nope. Nothing like the "sanctity" of that heterosexual marriage. And don't get me started on the "If Prop 8 fails, they'll teach gay marriage in schools!!!" Those scare tactics are probably what tipped the balance in favor of Prop 8, sadly.
So if I find flaws in both sides, why did I choose to oppose Prop 8? I had to do some serious thinking about my views on homosexuality, and I realized that one of my major hang-ups in figuring myself out is my lingering conflicts about the issue. The increasingly mainstream view is that it is a natural variation of normal sexuality. The American Psychological Association removed it from the list of mental disorders back in the 1970s. Yet it's hard to shake the doubts from my mind. This next part is going to sound extremely controversial, I apologize in advance, the following doesn't represent my opinion, just some of the thoughts I've had lately while trying to figure the whole thing out . . .
If everyone in the world were homosexual, humanity would obviously be in big trouble since procreation would grind to a halt. So homosexuality is okay for our species as long as not too many people practice it. Now of course, in this overpopulated world, you could argue that a little less procreation might be a good thing. But should there be so many preconditions for something to be considered moral? Saying homosexuality is okay, as long as it is limited in scope and the human population is large enough to withstand any decline in procreation?
Then a weakness to this argument occurred to me. Being celibate is not considered immoral. Heck, some religious leaders are required to be. But if everyone on Earth were celibate, humanity would suffer just as much as if everyone were gay. The same number of babies would be born: zero.
So where I stand now is that homosexuality is certainly not optimal in a Darwinian sense, but I think in this day and age consenting adults who love each other should be able to marry. The alternative is way too many loveless marriages. In fact, allowing gay marriage might actually improve the overall sanctity of marriage, since marriage is supposed to be about love.
Sorry if I offended anyone with my ramblings, I just wanted to be honest with some of the arguments that have been going through my mind. Please, anyone who makes it this far, share your thoughts, I'd love to see what you think.
B
Monday, October 20, 2008
Shhh
I have a secret. I'm pretty sure my mom knows what it is. And my dad suspects it, but he wouldn't want to hear it from me. My conservative uncle and aunt would probably throw a fit if they knew. Yeah, my whole conservative Republican family would probably disown me if word got out.
Any guesses?
Yep, I voted for Obama.
I tend to think of myself as a moderate. I like to try to see things from both sides, to try to figure out who would be the best choice, and not because I'm blindly following one ideology or another. After much deliberation, I settled on Obama. Plus, being a moderate, my ideal situation is to have the power switch between the parties. Too long with one party being in power tips the scale too far, at least that's the way I see it currently. The Republicans have had their time. Now I want to see what a Democrat president will do with the country. And if the result is disappointing . . . well, then there's always 2012.
Election time has crept up on me. I wanted to go into this feeling super-informed. I wanted to have read both Obama and McCain's books and researched all the propositions. What can I say, I feel guilty when I vote uninformed. Well, I didn't have time to read the books, but I did read up quite a bit on the propositions thanks to a nifty site I found called ballotpedia.org. Basically like wikipedia, except for ballot initiatives. Not just California, either. It has summaries of the propositions, arguments for and against, lists of supporters and opponents, and links to info sites. If only all propositions were one sentence long. That's the good thing about 8, I guess. Short and to the point.
Kind of scary how topics that absolutely bored me before are now fascinating me. Like politics. And history. I feel like a lot of subjects are forced on us at an age where a lot of us are too young and/or immature to appreciate them. I seem to have a thirst for knowledge, I think I've been out of school too long. And yet look what I've done, prolonged the gap before grad school. At least this will give me time to try to learn about a broad range of subjects before my life becomes consumed by one specific one.
And now the ramble ends. Good night.
Any guesses?
Yep, I voted for Obama.
I tend to think of myself as a moderate. I like to try to see things from both sides, to try to figure out who would be the best choice, and not because I'm blindly following one ideology or another. After much deliberation, I settled on Obama. Plus, being a moderate, my ideal situation is to have the power switch between the parties. Too long with one party being in power tips the scale too far, at least that's the way I see it currently. The Republicans have had their time. Now I want to see what a Democrat president will do with the country. And if the result is disappointing . . . well, then there's always 2012.
Election time has crept up on me. I wanted to go into this feeling super-informed. I wanted to have read both Obama and McCain's books and researched all the propositions. What can I say, I feel guilty when I vote uninformed. Well, I didn't have time to read the books, but I did read up quite a bit on the propositions thanks to a nifty site I found called ballotpedia.org. Basically like wikipedia, except for ballot initiatives. Not just California, either. It has summaries of the propositions, arguments for and against, lists of supporters and opponents, and links to info sites. If only all propositions were one sentence long. That's the good thing about 8, I guess. Short and to the point.
Kind of scary how topics that absolutely bored me before are now fascinating me. Like politics. And history. I feel like a lot of subjects are forced on us at an age where a lot of us are too young and/or immature to appreciate them. I seem to have a thirst for knowledge, I think I've been out of school too long. And yet look what I've done, prolonged the gap before grad school. At least this will give me time to try to learn about a broad range of subjects before my life becomes consumed by one specific one.
And now the ramble ends. Good night.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Hanging in there
The impulses to blog are few and far between these days. So much easier to just try to ignore things. Thanks for the comments, good to know I can disappear off the face of the earth and come back and people are still around :-)
So, I talked to my mom about it again. Way more awkward this time. To the point where I even regretted bringing it up. Now, I'm still not comfortable AT ALL with talking about sexuality issues with people I know. The therapist was one thing, and that was hard enough. So, when I brought it up again with my mom I was talking about it in very vague terms (eg, "So, about the issues I'm going through, that I talked to you about before . . .). So it was a bit unpleasant when she asked me straight up, "Have there been guys that you've been physically attracted to?" I know that's an easy enough question, but it was just so forward and unexpected. I turned into a stuttering fool, muttering something about how my attractions to guys and girls are different. Which is true. She also made it clear that she herself is uncomfortable talking about these things, and she encouraged me to see another counselor, perhaps one that specializes in these things. Maybe that's a possibility, but I just don't know. I don't really feel like throwing money at something that may or may not be all that helpful.
This weekend I went down to San Diego to chill with some friends I hadn't seen in a while. I love feeling like I'm part of a group. Don't really get that too much anymore. Too many of my friends are not friends with each other, either because they don't know each other, or sometimes because they don't like each other. I've always been the kind of person who is able to hang out and get along with different groups of friends, but have never really been a central member of any one group. I should pursue new avenues of meeting people.
While I was down there I also entertained my friends with my guitar playing, and got some compliments, including of the "I had no idea you were that good!" variety. Felt nice. I certainly love to play. One of the greatest forms of stress relief. Any music fans out there who have thought about picking up an instrument, I cannot encourage it enough. You don't have to have rock star intentions. It's great just to be able to play casually. Anyone play anything?
Till next time.
So, I talked to my mom about it again. Way more awkward this time. To the point where I even regretted bringing it up. Now, I'm still not comfortable AT ALL with talking about sexuality issues with people I know. The therapist was one thing, and that was hard enough. So, when I brought it up again with my mom I was talking about it in very vague terms (eg, "So, about the issues I'm going through, that I talked to you about before . . .). So it was a bit unpleasant when she asked me straight up, "Have there been guys that you've been physically attracted to?" I know that's an easy enough question, but it was just so forward and unexpected. I turned into a stuttering fool, muttering something about how my attractions to guys and girls are different. Which is true. She also made it clear that she herself is uncomfortable talking about these things, and she encouraged me to see another counselor, perhaps one that specializes in these things. Maybe that's a possibility, but I just don't know. I don't really feel like throwing money at something that may or may not be all that helpful.
This weekend I went down to San Diego to chill with some friends I hadn't seen in a while. I love feeling like I'm part of a group. Don't really get that too much anymore. Too many of my friends are not friends with each other, either because they don't know each other, or sometimes because they don't like each other. I've always been the kind of person who is able to hang out and get along with different groups of friends, but have never really been a central member of any one group. I should pursue new avenues of meeting people.
While I was down there I also entertained my friends with my guitar playing, and got some compliments, including of the "I had no idea you were that good!" variety. Felt nice. I certainly love to play. One of the greatest forms of stress relief. Any music fans out there who have thought about picking up an instrument, I cannot encourage it enough. You don't have to have rock star intentions. It's great just to be able to play casually. Anyone play anything?
Till next time.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Back so soon?
Hello blog, it's been a while. I bet you thought I had abandoned you, huh? Not quite yet. The issues that were preventing me from having the time/mental resources to deal with this sexuality thing have been resolved, at least for now. I found a new job, which I've been at for a few weeks. Not going super smoothly so far but I'm settling in. I miss my old job, especially the people since I got along so well with them, but I'm sure this one will grow on me. And the pay is better, which is always good. Grad school is now at least two years away (a requirement of the job). Which is probably for the best, since I still wasn't feeling super confident about what program I wanted to apply to.
So now that those pressing issues are off the table, my mind wanders back to what I tend to refer to as "Issue X". The X representing the fact that it's something I'm so uncomfortable with I can barely admit it to myself.
Today I reached a point where I felt pretty confident in saying "Yes, I am bisexual", instead of "I think I may be bisexual." Hard to write off the evidence. I hesitate to go farther and say I'm gay, since I still feel that the potential is there to have feelings for a girl, since it has happened in the past. So now I'll have to consider what my next step should be. I think I need to have another talk with my mom. We still haven't talked about it since the first and only time. I might consider talking to some of my more socially liberal friends at some point. Of course, that's how I feel today, and just like I sometimes waver on the type of grad program I'm gravitating to on any given day, this might just be subject to change. We'll see.
The other day I was home and was discussing the propositions that will be voted on in November, including Prop 8. Yes on 8 will define marriage as being between a man and a woman in the state of California. I went through all the Props to get my mom and dad's opinions on them, to help me decide how I might vote. When we got to that one my dad voted Yes (expected) but my mom said No. Now, I'm not sure whether that had anything to do with our talk earlier in the year opening the possibility of me being gay or bi, but it was nice to hear nonetheless. Means she is a lot more accepting of homosexuality than my dad. He'll be a challenge, should it come to that.
I watched the debate between McCain and Obama earlier (most of it, anyway). Pretty entertaining. Apparently the consensus is that it was a tie, but overall was better for Obama since foreign policy is supposed to be McCain's strong suit. It will be interested to watch Palin vs. Biden next week (assuming I can stand to tape "Supernatural" that is, haha).
Wow, it's late. So much for going to bed early tonight, that never seems to work out. Later.
So now that those pressing issues are off the table, my mind wanders back to what I tend to refer to as "Issue X". The X representing the fact that it's something I'm so uncomfortable with I can barely admit it to myself.
Today I reached a point where I felt pretty confident in saying "Yes, I am bisexual", instead of "I think I may be bisexual." Hard to write off the evidence. I hesitate to go farther and say I'm gay, since I still feel that the potential is there to have feelings for a girl, since it has happened in the past. So now I'll have to consider what my next step should be. I think I need to have another talk with my mom. We still haven't talked about it since the first and only time. I might consider talking to some of my more socially liberal friends at some point. Of course, that's how I feel today, and just like I sometimes waver on the type of grad program I'm gravitating to on any given day, this might just be subject to change. We'll see.
The other day I was home and was discussing the propositions that will be voted on in November, including Prop 8. Yes on 8 will define marriage as being between a man and a woman in the state of California. I went through all the Props to get my mom and dad's opinions on them, to help me decide how I might vote. When we got to that one my dad voted Yes (expected) but my mom said No. Now, I'm not sure whether that had anything to do with our talk earlier in the year opening the possibility of me being gay or bi, but it was nice to hear nonetheless. Means she is a lot more accepting of homosexuality than my dad. He'll be a challenge, should it come to that.
I watched the debate between McCain and Obama earlier (most of it, anyway). Pretty entertaining. Apparently the consensus is that it was a tie, but overall was better for Obama since foreign policy is supposed to be McCain's strong suit. It will be interested to watch Palin vs. Biden next week (assuming I can stand to tape "Supernatural" that is, haha).
Wow, it's late. So much for going to bed early tonight, that never seems to work out. Later.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Been a while, and might be another while
Two and a half months later . . .
Pretty much just two relevant events have happened since I returned from my trip.
1) I almost went on a date with a girl who messaged me online but turned out to be a little crazy and cancelled on me.
2) I kissed a girl (while drunk).
The former made me feel like I dodged a bullet. I was so desperate to continue getting dating experience that I ignored all the warning signs. Luckily she saved me the trouble. The latter event is fuzzy (for obvious reasons). I was reluctant at first, since I always wanted my first kiss to be meaningful. Unfortunately, alcohol seems to have the ability to make the mind go "Screw it." I remember doing it more because she wanted to and not because there was any real chemistry. I kind of got the impression that making out is something this girl does for fun. I wouldn't be averse to trying it again with a different girl in more sober circumstances, perhaps with real feelings involved.
Anyways, I'm obviously not feeling as gung-ho about this blog as I did at first, since it's been so long since I updated. I'm realizing more and more that my issues are something that will be hard to resolve without more life experience. I've still been seeing the counselor, but less and less and I think I might be done for now. It's been helpful to talk to someone about these and other issues, but I think the value has dwindled. If there's one thing that the counselor has tried to drive into my skull it is that I get way ahead of myself when I think about relationships. I've been afraid to even pursue a relationship with a girl because of the chance that I might someday decide that I'd rather have a relationship with a guy, even though dating someone is a far cry from getting married to them. So hopefully sometime in the next year, or after I start grad school, I'll be able to get more experience dating. Then I'll be in a better position to analyze my feelings. And if at some point I decide that girls just aren't doing it for me, perhaps I'll change course.
One thing I need to stop doing is comparing myself to other people. That's what first set off this crisis in my mind. I didn't feel too sexually abnormal until I began living with guys who talk about girls and sex all the time. I read something interesting earlier, someone suggesting that there are as many sexual orientations as there are people, because everyone is unique. I like that idea.
As for my mom, we've barely discussed the issue since I first talked to her about it, which I find a bit disconcerting. She asks me occasionally whether I'm still seeing the counselor, but that's it. I'll have to address it again at some point, give her an update or something.
I've got mixed feelings about continuing this blog. I really don't want this issue to continue to dominate my thoughts at this time (though I'm sure it probably will). I've got loads of other things to think about, such as changing jobs, thinking about career paths, and applying to grad school. I'm not sure whether I'll continue to post very much, but maybe I will if something happens that is relevant and post-worthy. I'll continue to check this email address (socalrockfan "at" gmail.com) every once and a while so feel free to either comment here or email me there if you have any questions or pearls of wisdom.
Until a later date, thanks everyone for reading and your advice, and good luck on your journeys!
B
Pretty much just two relevant events have happened since I returned from my trip.
1) I almost went on a date with a girl who messaged me online but turned out to be a little crazy and cancelled on me.
2) I kissed a girl (while drunk).
The former made me feel like I dodged a bullet. I was so desperate to continue getting dating experience that I ignored all the warning signs. Luckily she saved me the trouble. The latter event is fuzzy (for obvious reasons). I was reluctant at first, since I always wanted my first kiss to be meaningful. Unfortunately, alcohol seems to have the ability to make the mind go "Screw it." I remember doing it more because she wanted to and not because there was any real chemistry. I kind of got the impression that making out is something this girl does for fun. I wouldn't be averse to trying it again with a different girl in more sober circumstances, perhaps with real feelings involved.
Anyways, I'm obviously not feeling as gung-ho about this blog as I did at first, since it's been so long since I updated. I'm realizing more and more that my issues are something that will be hard to resolve without more life experience. I've still been seeing the counselor, but less and less and I think I might be done for now. It's been helpful to talk to someone about these and other issues, but I think the value has dwindled. If there's one thing that the counselor has tried to drive into my skull it is that I get way ahead of myself when I think about relationships. I've been afraid to even pursue a relationship with a girl because of the chance that I might someday decide that I'd rather have a relationship with a guy, even though dating someone is a far cry from getting married to them. So hopefully sometime in the next year, or after I start grad school, I'll be able to get more experience dating. Then I'll be in a better position to analyze my feelings. And if at some point I decide that girls just aren't doing it for me, perhaps I'll change course.
One thing I need to stop doing is comparing myself to other people. That's what first set off this crisis in my mind. I didn't feel too sexually abnormal until I began living with guys who talk about girls and sex all the time. I read something interesting earlier, someone suggesting that there are as many sexual orientations as there are people, because everyone is unique. I like that idea.
As for my mom, we've barely discussed the issue since I first talked to her about it, which I find a bit disconcerting. She asks me occasionally whether I'm still seeing the counselor, but that's it. I'll have to address it again at some point, give her an update or something.
I've got mixed feelings about continuing this blog. I really don't want this issue to continue to dominate my thoughts at this time (though I'm sure it probably will). I've got loads of other things to think about, such as changing jobs, thinking about career paths, and applying to grad school. I'm not sure whether I'll continue to post very much, but maybe I will if something happens that is relevant and post-worthy. I'll continue to check this email address (socalrockfan "at" gmail.com) every once and a while so feel free to either comment here or email me there if you have any questions or pearls of wisdom.
Until a later date, thanks everyone for reading and your advice, and good luck on your journeys!
B
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Big Apple
Just spent the evening packing for my big trip tomorrow. I'm going to New York for a little more than a week (including two nights in Toronto), and I'm excited. Hopefully it doesn't rain while I'm there, the 10 day forecast indicated it might.
Sometimes I think about how if someone I knew just randomly happened to find this blog, they wouldn't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out who I am (hmm, so-and-so went to New York about that same time!). I know the chances of that happening are slim to none, but it still makes me think twice about some of the things I choose to write. Oh well, the safe and easy road hasn't gotten me too far in the past, one has got to take some risks, even minor ones.
After this nice little vacation from work (and worrisome life issues) I will have to try to get back on track as far as figuring myself out. My efforts have definitely stalled since my date with Jenny. Until I return, take care everyone!
Sometimes I think about how if someone I knew just randomly happened to find this blog, they wouldn't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out who I am (hmm, so-and-so went to New York about that same time!). I know the chances of that happening are slim to none, but it still makes me think twice about some of the things I choose to write. Oh well, the safe and easy road hasn't gotten me too far in the past, one has got to take some risks, even minor ones.
After this nice little vacation from work (and worrisome life issues) I will have to try to get back on track as far as figuring myself out. My efforts have definitely stalled since my date with Jenny. Until I return, take care everyone!
Friday, April 11, 2008
Tired
Things are pretty hectic right now. Work is busy, I'm taking a test on Saturday, I'm planning a big trip next week, and the date last Saturday is still on my mind. I have kind of decided not to pursue that girl, at least not right now. Something didn't feel right, I didn't really get the impression that she was interested in me in that way. Of course for all I know I'm way off, it's not like I have experience with this kind of thing. Anyways, maybe I'll drop her an email or something just to check in, but I think things need to relax a bit before I add one more thing to stress out about. I'm sure there will be other opportunities, I just have to be patient.
In other news, Stone Temple Pilots are getting back together!!!!! This makes me extremely happy, I never got the chance to see them before they broke up. They're playing at the Hollywood Bowl in June (not my favorite venue, but what the heck, you do what you gotta do). Good thing I just saw Velvet Revolver in December, because now they are no more and it sounds like Scott Weiland did not leave the band on the best of terms. So yay!
In other news, Stone Temple Pilots are getting back together!!!!! This makes me extremely happy, I never got the chance to see them before they broke up. They're playing at the Hollywood Bowl in June (not my favorite venue, but what the heck, you do what you gotta do). Good thing I just saw Velvet Revolver in December, because now they are no more and it sounds like Scott Weiland did not leave the band on the best of terms. So yay!
Monday, April 7, 2008
Better now
Ok, can't let that last entry be the most recent one for very long. Today was much better. Granted, it was super hectic at work but that's okay, at least it made me feel productive, and the busier I am the less time I have to ruminate. And I actually heard back from my friend whom I've not talked to for years, so I had the right address after all. Very cool. Now I just gotta study for that test. And damn, the arm where I got the tetanus shot is sooo sore. Serves me right I guess, haha. Thankfully it's my left.
Mountains out of molehills
Well, today was a complete waste. I spent most of the day agonizing over various things, such as whether or not there was any potential for Jenny, and of course my sexuality. Did not get much studying done for my upcoming GRE subject test (which I'm not sure I'll even need to take since I don't know what I'm going to apply for yet). Burned myself on the damn George Foreman Grill which I barely ever use. Over-reacted to said burn by getting all worried about what it said on the internet, that any second degree burn on the hands no matter how small should be checked out by a doctor. Ended up paying a ridiculous copayment for the doctor basically putting a bandage on it (oh, and I got a tetanus shot too since I hadn't had one for a long time). I felt like such a hypochondriac (thanks a lot, internet!). Better safe than sorry I guess, since I'd never experienced a burn like that before. Weird how I can have such a laid back personality and yet be such a worry-wort at the same time. Of course I noticed that I paid more attention to a couple of the male nurses than I did the good-looking female one. It's like the different parts of my brain are fighting each other.
On the bright side, I chatted with a bunch of friends today, both on AIM and on the phone. I even tried emailing my former good buddy from freshman year, the one that kind of disappeared of the face of the earth. Not sure I had the right address, but the message wasn't returned so I figure somebody must have gotten it. Whether I ever hear back is, well, doubtful, but at least I tried.
Yeah, I know I sound like Debbie Downer (cue the wah, wah sound). It's just been one of those days, haha. I always try to see the glass half full though. And on that note, bed time.
On the bright side, I chatted with a bunch of friends today, both on AIM and on the phone. I even tried emailing my former good buddy from freshman year, the one that kind of disappeared of the face of the earth. Not sure I had the right address, but the message wasn't returned so I figure somebody must have gotten it. Whether I ever hear back is, well, doubtful, but at least I tried.
Yeah, I know I sound like Debbie Downer (cue the wah, wah sound). It's just been one of those days, haha. I always try to see the glass half full though. And on that note, bed time.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Deer in the headlights
That's what I felt like at the end of my first date ever. Yes, my first date ever. Let me back track.
So, I got Jenny's number, and I gave her a call last week. Asked her if she wanted to go out, and she said ok. So we did, dinner and a movie, the old classic combo. Went pretty well. She's really nice, and has a good sense of humor. One thing I was nervous about was running out of things to talk about and having to sit in awkward silence. That didn't happen luckily. Dinner was good, the movie was good.
After the movie I had been planning to see if she wanted to hang around the area for a while, maybe get some dessert. She declined, though I wasn't sure whether that was because she was full or because she just wanted to go home. Anyways, I realized at that point I had no idea how to end a date. Probably should have asked if she wanted to go out again sometime, but instead what came out of my mouth was more along the lines of "see you next time" (yes, I know) which obviously makes it sound like I'm not interested. The truth is, I'm not sure whether I should continue to pursue her. We didn't seem to have too many common interests as far as movies, music, etc. I couldn't tell whether she felt a connection with me. I'm not even sure whether to expect such a connection on a first date. Should we have hit it off and been fast friends? It could just be that she's shy like me. I figure I might follow the advice of my friend's girlfriend, who suggested I wait a few days and then call Jenny and ask her if she wants to go out again. The way I see it, if someone says yes to a first date, that just means that the person is interested in you based on a first impression, or is just being nice. But if they say yes to a second date, that seems like it would mean a lot more, and probably shows they have real interest in you. So, we'll see. It's experience, if nothing else.
Of course I was hoping going on an actual date would clear up the confusion. Probably a little much to hope for. At this point I'm not so sure whether I might be gay. I definitely have some kind of interest in looking at some guys but I'm not sure if that could translate into any kind of a relationship. Imagining myself dating a guy just doesn't seem quite right. Whether that's just mainstream society talking, I don't know. At least I have some degree of forward momentum along the road of figuring it out. I just need to make sure I keep moving and don't stall.
So, I got Jenny's number, and I gave her a call last week. Asked her if she wanted to go out, and she said ok. So we did, dinner and a movie, the old classic combo. Went pretty well. She's really nice, and has a good sense of humor. One thing I was nervous about was running out of things to talk about and having to sit in awkward silence. That didn't happen luckily. Dinner was good, the movie was good.
After the movie I had been planning to see if she wanted to hang around the area for a while, maybe get some dessert. She declined, though I wasn't sure whether that was because she was full or because she just wanted to go home. Anyways, I realized at that point I had no idea how to end a date. Probably should have asked if she wanted to go out again sometime, but instead what came out of my mouth was more along the lines of "see you next time" (yes, I know) which obviously makes it sound like I'm not interested. The truth is, I'm not sure whether I should continue to pursue her. We didn't seem to have too many common interests as far as movies, music, etc. I couldn't tell whether she felt a connection with me. I'm not even sure whether to expect such a connection on a first date. Should we have hit it off and been fast friends? It could just be that she's shy like me. I figure I might follow the advice of my friend's girlfriend, who suggested I wait a few days and then call Jenny and ask her if she wants to go out again. The way I see it, if someone says yes to a first date, that just means that the person is interested in you based on a first impression, or is just being nice. But if they say yes to a second date, that seems like it would mean a lot more, and probably shows they have real interest in you. So, we'll see. It's experience, if nothing else.
Of course I was hoping going on an actual date would clear up the confusion. Probably a little much to hope for. At this point I'm not so sure whether I might be gay. I definitely have some kind of interest in looking at some guys but I'm not sure if that could translate into any kind of a relationship. Imagining myself dating a guy just doesn't seem quite right. Whether that's just mainstream society talking, I don't know. At least I have some degree of forward momentum along the road of figuring it out. I just need to make sure I keep moving and don't stall.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Jenny I've got your number
First of all, I wanted to thank those who have commented on my entries thus far, including Mike, Aek, K, and W. I really appreciate your feedback.
Well, I called my friend to see if he had talked to the girl. Let's call her Jenny, just because I have "867-5309" stuck in my head right now. Turns out he is on a trip out of state but he did talk to her before he left. And she said it would be ok for him to give me her number. So he did. And now the ball's in my court. One thing I am trying to teach myself is to take things a step at a time. It's okay that I haven't nailed my sexuality down 100% yet, I can still just call a girl up and see if she wants to hang out. That is a far cry from a relationship. So hopefully I'll work up the nerve to give her a call within the next couple days. No . . . definitely, not hopefully!
I just wish these things came more naturally to me. I feel like if my sexuality wasn't so jumbled, suppressed, naturally weak, or whatever it is, that the added motivation would have helped me ask a girl out a long time ago. Oh well, mas vale tarde que nunca.
Well, I called my friend to see if he had talked to the girl. Let's call her Jenny, just because I have "867-5309" stuck in my head right now. Turns out he is on a trip out of state but he did talk to her before he left. And she said it would be ok for him to give me her number. So he did. And now the ball's in my court. One thing I am trying to teach myself is to take things a step at a time. It's okay that I haven't nailed my sexuality down 100% yet, I can still just call a girl up and see if she wants to hang out. That is a far cry from a relationship. So hopefully I'll work up the nerve to give her a call within the next couple days. No . . . definitely, not hopefully!
I just wish these things came more naturally to me. I feel like if my sexuality wasn't so jumbled, suppressed, naturally weak, or whatever it is, that the added motivation would have helped me ask a girl out a long time ago. Oh well, mas vale tarde que nunca.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Inching slowly forward
Well, Saturday morning after the party I asked my friend to ask the girl for permission for him to give me her number (if that sentence made any sense at all). We'll see how that plays out. According to my roommate she was into me (going by her body language) and since he has had numerous girlfriends I figured he might know what he is talking about. I did not want to wait until the next party (especially since I would probably just wuss out again). Anyways, I anxiously await the next time I see my friend so I can find out what she said, and then I'll go from there. Hopefully this time it will work out better than it did the last time I tried this.
For a while I've been debating about whether I should talk to my mom about my current issues. She has always been the one that I have taken my problems to. I never really had many close friends that I could talk about serious things with growing up, so my mom has always been my number one confidante. Of course, with this particular issue I felt extremely uncomfortable going to her with it. She thinks of me as this perfect son and the last thing I wanted to do is shatter that image by admitting that I am questioning my sexuality. Plus sex is one topic we have never talked about. Well, after the experience at the party I decided this might be a good time to finally talk about it, since the scale had tipped to the straight side. My mom already knew I was going to counseling, and I'm sure she suspected that I had not disclosed the full reason for it yet. I told her Saturday that I was ready to talk with her about it sometime. First I told her about the party, and the girl, and then I talked to her about my low sex drive suspicions. I figured this might be good groundwork for the discussion to come.
She came into my room the next morning after I had woken up, while I was still lying in bed. She asked if I wanted to talk about it. I was not expecting her to be the one to pick the time and place, and I almost said no. Then I decided it was as good a time as any. So, I used the compass metaphor, about how sex drive is like the needle, blah blah blah, and it's hard to tell which way it points when it's not very strong to begin with. I told her I had experienced attractions to both guys and girls in the past, but in different ways.
Long story short, she took it very well as I had hoped she would. I was rather surprised at how supportive she was (and I really shouldn't have been). She agrees with me that I probably won't be able to figure it all out until I get some experience dating. And she said the magic words: "All I want is for you to be happy." She also agreed that it was probably not the time to talk to my dad about it. I've never been as close to my dad as I am to my mom. In addition he seems to see the world more in black and white than my mom does.
In any case, I guess my next step is to see what happens with this girl, if anything.
For a while I've been debating about whether I should talk to my mom about my current issues. She has always been the one that I have taken my problems to. I never really had many close friends that I could talk about serious things with growing up, so my mom has always been my number one confidante. Of course, with this particular issue I felt extremely uncomfortable going to her with it. She thinks of me as this perfect son and the last thing I wanted to do is shatter that image by admitting that I am questioning my sexuality. Plus sex is one topic we have never talked about. Well, after the experience at the party I decided this might be a good time to finally talk about it, since the scale had tipped to the straight side. My mom already knew I was going to counseling, and I'm sure she suspected that I had not disclosed the full reason for it yet. I told her Saturday that I was ready to talk with her about it sometime. First I told her about the party, and the girl, and then I talked to her about my low sex drive suspicions. I figured this might be good groundwork for the discussion to come.
She came into my room the next morning after I had woken up, while I was still lying in bed. She asked if I wanted to talk about it. I was not expecting her to be the one to pick the time and place, and I almost said no. Then I decided it was as good a time as any. So, I used the compass metaphor, about how sex drive is like the needle, blah blah blah, and it's hard to tell which way it points when it's not very strong to begin with. I told her I had experienced attractions to both guys and girls in the past, but in different ways.
Long story short, she took it very well as I had hoped she would. I was rather surprised at how supportive she was (and I really shouldn't have been). She agrees with me that I probably won't be able to figure it all out until I get some experience dating. And she said the magic words: "All I want is for you to be happy." She also agreed that it was probably not the time to talk to my dad about it. I've never been as close to my dad as I am to my mom. In addition he seems to see the world more in black and white than my mom does.
In any case, I guess my next step is to see what happens with this girl, if anything.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Somewhat less mixed up (for now)
So I just spent most of the night talking to a girl that I have had an interest in for quite a while. I don't see her very often, but when I do I feel like we have a connection on some level at least. I cannot for the life of me work up the nerve to ask her out or get her phone number, especially since she is always surrounded by friends. I'm thinking of just getting her number from our mutual friend (with her permission first, of course). I don't know when I'll see her again, so this may be the best option. In any case, I didn't make up my feelings tonight, they were real. I felt an attraction to this girl, and I think she is pretty. I may not be all horny like a lot of guys, but that doesn't mean I wasn't attracted to her. I think I have the potential to be attracted to both sexes, but the idea of a relationship with a girl appeals to me more right now. It's just a matter of finding the right one. I'm feeling the straightest I've felt in a while (let's see how I feel tomorrow, haha). Anyways, I am leaning toward the conclusion that the only way I'm going to clear this up is to get some experience dating. Introspection can only get me so far.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Top O' The Evening
Thought I'd type a quick little entry.
I had a nice weekend. Saw a bunch of family, including some second-cousins. I really wish I knew my extended family more. I also wish I knew more about my ancestry. I'll have to explore genealogy one of these days.
I celebrated whatever fraction of my genetic makeup comes from Ireland tonight. I wasn't planning to, but I ran into my friend at the gym and he invited me to go with him and others to a new Irish pub. It was SOOOO crowded. I'm not exactly a social butterfly and loud environments full of people are usually rather overwhelming for me, but it was a pretty good time. A lot of good looking people (on both sides). And there was one random drunk guy who laughed at one of my jokes and told me he "liked my style," so that was a little ego boost, haha. See, a complete stranger can think I'm funny. Well, a completely drunk complete stranger, anyway.
I had a nice weekend. Saw a bunch of family, including some second-cousins. I really wish I knew my extended family more. I also wish I knew more about my ancestry. I'll have to explore genealogy one of these days.
I celebrated whatever fraction of my genetic makeup comes from Ireland tonight. I wasn't planning to, but I ran into my friend at the gym and he invited me to go with him and others to a new Irish pub. It was SOOOO crowded. I'm not exactly a social butterfly and loud environments full of people are usually rather overwhelming for me, but it was a pretty good time. A lot of good looking people (on both sides). And there was one random drunk guy who laughed at one of my jokes and told me he "liked my style," so that was a little ego boost, haha. See, a complete stranger can think I'm funny. Well, a completely drunk complete stranger, anyway.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Can you see the real me, Doctor . . . Doctor
Bonus points to whoever knows what song the title of this post comes from.
Anyways, I've been talking to a counselor once a week for the past few weeks. It was something that I considered doing for a while, until I finally decided to try it out. Now, I'm a person who prefers to solve my problems on my own. However, after agonizing over these issues for the entirety of college, I was ready to recognize that I needed to try a new approach. I think that, combined with blogging/chatting, it is definitely helpful. Today I opened up quite a lot and it felt good to just talk about some of these things that I have been holding in so long and trying to deal with on my own.
I think I am closing in on what the problem is (or at least part of the problem). My sex drive seems to be a bit lower than the average guy. Let's say sex drive is like a compass needle. For many guys (straight or gay), the sex drive is rather strong, and consequently they have little trouble telling which way the needle points. Mine being a little weaker (whether it is naturally that way, or psychologically suppressed, or some combination I'm not really sure) makes it less obvious. It's not exactly a new discovery (I've known for a long time sexual fantasies don't come as naturally to me as they do for some), but for some reason it still feels like a revelation. Maybe I'm looking at it in a new light, as a possible explanation for my confusion. I feel like I'm on the right track as far as figuring this out. And I no longer feel like I have to face this completely on my own.
And in other news, I saw both a girl and a guy today that I thought were attractive. So, yeah . . . not much headway in that department, haha.
That's it for now. Oh, and thank you to all who have left me comments!!
Anyways, I've been talking to a counselor once a week for the past few weeks. It was something that I considered doing for a while, until I finally decided to try it out. Now, I'm a person who prefers to solve my problems on my own. However, after agonizing over these issues for the entirety of college, I was ready to recognize that I needed to try a new approach. I think that, combined with blogging/chatting, it is definitely helpful. Today I opened up quite a lot and it felt good to just talk about some of these things that I have been holding in so long and trying to deal with on my own.
I think I am closing in on what the problem is (or at least part of the problem). My sex drive seems to be a bit lower than the average guy. Let's say sex drive is like a compass needle. For many guys (straight or gay), the sex drive is rather strong, and consequently they have little trouble telling which way the needle points. Mine being a little weaker (whether it is naturally that way, or psychologically suppressed, or some combination I'm not really sure) makes it less obvious. It's not exactly a new discovery (I've known for a long time sexual fantasies don't come as naturally to me as they do for some), but for some reason it still feels like a revelation. Maybe I'm looking at it in a new light, as a possible explanation for my confusion. I feel like I'm on the right track as far as figuring this out. And I no longer feel like I have to face this completely on my own.
And in other news, I saw both a girl and a guy today that I thought were attractive. So, yeah . . . not much headway in that department, haha.
That's it for now. Oh, and thank you to all who have left me comments!!
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Ramblings about girls and stuff
I just briefly saw the girl whom I have considered asking out in the past. She is a friend of my roommate, and I see her periodically when he has a party or get-together. Really nice and pretty and into music, but I can't tell whether she has any interest in me. Of course, I would have enough trouble asking her out due to my shy nature and lack of self-confidence, but now this Confusion with a capital C is weighing heavily on my mind as well.
The only girl I ever sorta kinda asked out was another friend of my roommate's that I met at a party (my roommate has got to be the most social person I know, I really admire the way he is able to maintain so many close friendships while at the same time going towards his masters, working, and being in a serious relationship). This girl was beautiful, funny, and a fan of classic rock, which is icing on the cake. My roommate encouraged me to ask her out, but I chickened out of course. However, I decided to try to salvage the opportunity and I asked him to ask her if it would be okay for him to give me her number (phew). She said yes, and I finally worked up the nerve to give her a call. She was living about an hour away at the time, near where my cousin was living, so I asked her if she might want to hang out when I came up to visit him. She said sure, but that it couldn't be a date-date since she was seeing someone (D'oh!!). That discouraged me a bit but I said that was fine.
We made tentative plans to hang out, once she finished studying for a test. At one point she gave me a call and asked if it was okay if some of her friends accompanied us. I said okay, though I didn't like where this was going. Next thing I hear from her, she tells me she still has a lot of studying to do, maybe some other time. Suffice it to say I was very discouraged after that. I never tried giving her a call again after that (stupid of me, probably).
This incident demonstrates two of my worst flaws that I've struggled with. 1) I am overly concerned about what other people think of me. 2) I have a hard time imagining other people finding me interesting. One of my favorite quotes is from Charles Schwab: "A man who trims himself to suit everybody will soon whittle himself away." Well, I think I'm guilty of that. My concern about what others think of me makes my priority to be well liked by everyone, but in doing that I pretty much sacrifice my own personality. Hence my quiet nature. So in a way, # 1 above leads to # 2. My other roommate is a good counter-example. He's very outgoing and puts on a show of confidence and cockiness. There have been many people who find him irritating (heck, I did at first). But those who like him really like him. Maybe the case is that in order for some people to have strong positive feelings for you, others have to have strong negative feelings for you. I don't know. Anyways, it's late and I'm sleepy.
The only girl I ever sorta kinda asked out was another friend of my roommate's that I met at a party (my roommate has got to be the most social person I know, I really admire the way he is able to maintain so many close friendships while at the same time going towards his masters, working, and being in a serious relationship). This girl was beautiful, funny, and a fan of classic rock, which is icing on the cake. My roommate encouraged me to ask her out, but I chickened out of course. However, I decided to try to salvage the opportunity and I asked him to ask her if it would be okay for him to give me her number (phew). She said yes, and I finally worked up the nerve to give her a call. She was living about an hour away at the time, near where my cousin was living, so I asked her if she might want to hang out when I came up to visit him. She said sure, but that it couldn't be a date-date since she was seeing someone (D'oh!!). That discouraged me a bit but I said that was fine.
We made tentative plans to hang out, once she finished studying for a test. At one point she gave me a call and asked if it was okay if some of her friends accompanied us. I said okay, though I didn't like where this was going. Next thing I hear from her, she tells me she still has a lot of studying to do, maybe some other time. Suffice it to say I was very discouraged after that. I never tried giving her a call again after that (stupid of me, probably).
This incident demonstrates two of my worst flaws that I've struggled with. 1) I am overly concerned about what other people think of me. 2) I have a hard time imagining other people finding me interesting. One of my favorite quotes is from Charles Schwab: "A man who trims himself to suit everybody will soon whittle himself away." Well, I think I'm guilty of that. My concern about what others think of me makes my priority to be well liked by everyone, but in doing that I pretty much sacrifice my own personality. Hence my quiet nature. So in a way, # 1 above leads to # 2. My other roommate is a good counter-example. He's very outgoing and puts on a show of confidence and cockiness. There have been many people who find him irritating (heck, I did at first). But those who like him really like him. Maybe the case is that in order for some people to have strong positive feelings for you, others have to have strong negative feelings for you. I don't know. Anyways, it's late and I'm sleepy.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Two to zip
My accomplishment of the night is learning to play "Name" and "Slide" by the Goo Goo Dolls. They use alternate tunings, but once the guitar is tuned they're not that hard. Guitar has been a hobby of mine since high school. If I had the motivation I could probably be a lot better, but I'm pretty content with my limited ability. It's a nice way to unwind.
And unwinding is definitely what I needed. This felt like a long week. In the early part of the week I was actually feeling pretty good. I think part of it was due to my attempts to change the way I think about sexuality (see the last entry). Work was really busy this week, though, and today the confusion came back in full force. There was a party, and the number of girls that piqued my interest was zero, while the number of guys was 2. One was actually the "crush" (whom I've never met) that I mentioned in a previous entry. He was talking with one of my coworkers, but I didn't try to enter the conversation because I was talking with another guy. This one was probably one of the best looking guys I have ever had a conversation with, and I would be lying if I said that I didn't feel an attraction of some kind. So yet another bit of evidence that I definitely have some level of same-sex attraction. Whether I could comfortably go from that to actual relationships . . . is a rather scary thing to think about. I wish I'd had a girlfriend before! At least I would have some relationship experience under my belt so I wouldn't be in the dark about everything at the same time. Oh well. Que sera, sera. (I always think of that song when I start worrying about the future too much. It helps bring me back to the present, haha.)
And unwinding is definitely what I needed. This felt like a long week. In the early part of the week I was actually feeling pretty good. I think part of it was due to my attempts to change the way I think about sexuality (see the last entry). Work was really busy this week, though, and today the confusion came back in full force. There was a party, and the number of girls that piqued my interest was zero, while the number of guys was 2. One was actually the "crush" (whom I've never met) that I mentioned in a previous entry. He was talking with one of my coworkers, but I didn't try to enter the conversation because I was talking with another guy. This one was probably one of the best looking guys I have ever had a conversation with, and I would be lying if I said that I didn't feel an attraction of some kind. So yet another bit of evidence that I definitely have some level of same-sex attraction. Whether I could comfortably go from that to actual relationships . . . is a rather scary thing to think about. I wish I'd had a girlfriend before! At least I would have some relationship experience under my belt so I wouldn't be in the dark about everything at the same time. Oh well. Que sera, sera. (I always think of that song when I start worrying about the future too much. It helps bring me back to the present, haha.)
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Can't you see this is a land of confusion
Some people think of sexuality as being black or white. You're one thing, or another. Kinsey thought that was too simplistic, and introduced the idea of it being a continuum. Two extremes, and an infinite number of possibilities between them. It occurred to me that even that idea might be too simplistic. Maybe part of my trouble is trying to place myself on a one dimensional spectrum when reality is much more complex.
Society is part of the problem. It seems that our society is obsessed with labels and definitions. I hate the term "grunge" as it is applied to early 90's rock. Most of the big "grunge" bands like Nirvana, Soundgarden, Alice in Chains, and Pearl Jam sound NOTHING alike. Each have their own unique style. However, they all became popular around the same time and largely came out of Seattle, so people felt the need to group them together and label them. Not that I'm blaming people for having this tendency. It's how we make sense of the chaotic world we live in.
As far as sexual orientation goes, the labels are obvious. Straight. Gay. Bisexual. Asexual. Makes it sound so simple when it's really not.
I feel attractions to some guys and I feel attractions to some girls, but the type of attraction is not the same. For guys the strongest attraction is visual. I find them "easy on the eyes" so to speak. Not to say that I find girls hideous. It's just that good looking guys capture my attention more. On the other hand I've had a number of crushes on girls that were emotional in nature. Sometimes there are exceptions to the trend, and I will find a girl particularly physically attractive, or I will feel emotionally connected with a guy. Lust doesn't really enter the picture for me, or at least it hasn't yet. I like how a fellow blogger (Aek from "The Masks We Wear") described how he didn't go through the stereotypical "raging hormones" phase of adolescence. Neither did I, and I think lacking this intense sexual drive made me feel abnormal, and set me off on this path of confusion, obsessed with trying to label my sexuality.
I guess the bottom line is that sexuality is a lot more complicated then most people realize. I wonder if any of that made any sense at all. Drop me a line anyone who comes across this, I'm always curious about what other people think.
Society is part of the problem. It seems that our society is obsessed with labels and definitions. I hate the term "grunge" as it is applied to early 90's rock. Most of the big "grunge" bands like Nirvana, Soundgarden, Alice in Chains, and Pearl Jam sound NOTHING alike. Each have their own unique style. However, they all became popular around the same time and largely came out of Seattle, so people felt the need to group them together and label them. Not that I'm blaming people for having this tendency. It's how we make sense of the chaotic world we live in.
As far as sexual orientation goes, the labels are obvious. Straight. Gay. Bisexual. Asexual. Makes it sound so simple when it's really not.
I feel attractions to some guys and I feel attractions to some girls, but the type of attraction is not the same. For guys the strongest attraction is visual. I find them "easy on the eyes" so to speak. Not to say that I find girls hideous. It's just that good looking guys capture my attention more. On the other hand I've had a number of crushes on girls that were emotional in nature. Sometimes there are exceptions to the trend, and I will find a girl particularly physically attractive, or I will feel emotionally connected with a guy. Lust doesn't really enter the picture for me, or at least it hasn't yet. I like how a fellow blogger (Aek from "The Masks We Wear") described how he didn't go through the stereotypical "raging hormones" phase of adolescence. Neither did I, and I think lacking this intense sexual drive made me feel abnormal, and set me off on this path of confusion, obsessed with trying to label my sexuality.
I guess the bottom line is that sexuality is a lot more complicated then most people realize. I wonder if any of that made any sense at all. Drop me a line anyone who comes across this, I'm always curious about what other people think.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Other perspectives
I just had a nice chat with a fellow blogger last night. It was very interesting hearing about someone else's experiences, and it had been forever since I'd had a real conversation through instant messaging. Facebook has definitely replaced AIM as my primary means of keeping in touch with friends. Anyways, thanks K, I appreciate your input. Hearing other perspectives is definitely helpful.
I am really suffering from a case of writer's block. Well, more like publisher's block. I write something, then I get unhappy with it and delete it. I guess I'll leave it at that for now. I'm a pretty private person, so this blogging thing does not come naturally, that's for sure. I think it has the potential to be therapeutic though, so we'll see what happens. I'll write again once I have something to say.
I am really suffering from a case of writer's block. Well, more like publisher's block. I write something, then I get unhappy with it and delete it. I guess I'll leave it at that for now. I'm a pretty private person, so this blogging thing does not come naturally, that's for sure. I think it has the potential to be therapeutic though, so we'll see what happens. I'll write again once I have something to say.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
A little background
Wow, I wasn't expecting to update this so often. I thought I should write a post about where I'm coming from. Note: this entry was edited after the fact, I toned down some of the more personal parts, haha. Plus it was rather lengthy.
I have always been somewhat sexually repressed I guess. I did not have a religious upbringing, but it was a moral one. I grew up under the impression that things like premarital sex, masturbation, and watching porn were wrong. I'm not sure whether my parents actually ever explicitly taught me this, but those were the values I somehow developed. Thus in high school it was hard to relate when other guys would talk about such things.
The result of this was that by the time I started college I had zero experience in the sexual domain, even by myself. I admitted this to a couple friends and they hardly believed me at first. It confused me how it could be so unbelievable. I had never really had the desire to try such things, and had always assumed that was because of my upbringing. College was the first point when I realized it might be due to more than just the way I was raised. It occurred to me that I might actually be different than my friends, as far as sexual interest goes.
Not to say that I've never had a crush on a girl. There's been several over the years, from middle school through college. There were times when I noticed good-looking guys too though, and at times it seems like for me at this point in time there is more aesthetic appeal in attractive guys than attractive girls. It's easier to imagine myself in a relationship with a girl, but that may be due to society's influence for all I know. Similarly, it's hard for me to take the mental leap from thinking a guy is physically attractive to wanting to be in a relationship with one. Bottom line is, I'm rather confused about where I fall on the spectrum. The simple fact that I'm questioning makes me doubt I'm totally straight, but I'm not comfortable putting myself totally on the other side of the spectrum either.
The first time the thought crossed my mind that I might have the potential to be attracted to guys was my first year of college. I became good friends with someone who seemed to be the answer to my wishes for a best friend, someone I had a lot in common with and with whom I felt I could connect on a deeper level. I kind of obsessed over that friendship a little too much, though my thoughts were not sexual. I was even jealous that he already had someone he considered his best friend. I have since lost contact with him. He moved away and eventually stopped trying to keep in touch. It's years later now but I still am not totally over losing that friendship.
Okay, I'm a little happier with this version. Remember when I said I have the nasty habit of second-guessing myself? Here's evidence for ya.
I have always been somewhat sexually repressed I guess. I did not have a religious upbringing, but it was a moral one. I grew up under the impression that things like premarital sex, masturbation, and watching porn were wrong. I'm not sure whether my parents actually ever explicitly taught me this, but those were the values I somehow developed. Thus in high school it was hard to relate when other guys would talk about such things.
The result of this was that by the time I started college I had zero experience in the sexual domain, even by myself. I admitted this to a couple friends and they hardly believed me at first. It confused me how it could be so unbelievable. I had never really had the desire to try such things, and had always assumed that was because of my upbringing. College was the first point when I realized it might be due to more than just the way I was raised. It occurred to me that I might actually be different than my friends, as far as sexual interest goes.
Not to say that I've never had a crush on a girl. There's been several over the years, from middle school through college. There were times when I noticed good-looking guys too though, and at times it seems like for me at this point in time there is more aesthetic appeal in attractive guys than attractive girls. It's easier to imagine myself in a relationship with a girl, but that may be due to society's influence for all I know. Similarly, it's hard for me to take the mental leap from thinking a guy is physically attractive to wanting to be in a relationship with one. Bottom line is, I'm rather confused about where I fall on the spectrum. The simple fact that I'm questioning makes me doubt I'm totally straight, but I'm not comfortable putting myself totally on the other side of the spectrum either.
The first time the thought crossed my mind that I might have the potential to be attracted to guys was my first year of college. I became good friends with someone who seemed to be the answer to my wishes for a best friend, someone I had a lot in common with and with whom I felt I could connect on a deeper level. I kind of obsessed over that friendship a little too much, though my thoughts were not sexual. I was even jealous that he already had someone he considered his best friend. I have since lost contact with him. He moved away and eventually stopped trying to keep in touch. It's years later now but I still am not totally over losing that friendship.
Okay, I'm a little happier with this version. Remember when I said I have the nasty habit of second-guessing myself? Here's evidence for ya.
I drink your milkshake
I saw "There Will Be Blood" the other day. Wow, that is one weird movie. Weird score, weird characters, weird ending. I recommend it though. Definitely memorable, and Daniel Day Lewis is quite amazing. Of course the whole movie I was waiting for the famous "milkshake" line.
I love movies. I actually saw more Best Picture nominees this year then ever before. "No Country for Old Men" was really good, and happened to be filmed in the same location as "Blood" was. "Juno" was hilarious, and I'm glad Diablo Cody won the Oscar for Best Original Screenplay. Not that I only watch Oscar movies. I saw "Vantage Point", "Jumper" and "Cloverfield" so far this year. "Cloverfield" is amazing . . . if you don't get motion sick I highly recommend it. The other two are alright, the critics hated them but I thought they were okay.
I read a story on the internet the other day about a husband and wife who decided to stay together even though the husband came out of the closet. Rather interesting. I am too tired to try to find it right now, but apparently they are happy with where there marriage is and don't feel the need to split up. More power to them I guess. My fear about getting involved with a girl is the risk of breaking her heart later on if I come to that realization about myself. On the other hand, how can I know whether I'm capable of loving a woman if I limit myself for that reason? Ugh.
I love movies. I actually saw more Best Picture nominees this year then ever before. "No Country for Old Men" was really good, and happened to be filmed in the same location as "Blood" was. "Juno" was hilarious, and I'm glad Diablo Cody won the Oscar for Best Original Screenplay. Not that I only watch Oscar movies. I saw "Vantage Point", "Jumper" and "Cloverfield" so far this year. "Cloverfield" is amazing . . . if you don't get motion sick I highly recommend it. The other two are alright, the critics hated them but I thought they were okay.
I read a story on the internet the other day about a husband and wife who decided to stay together even though the husband came out of the closet. Rather interesting. I am too tired to try to find it right now, but apparently they are happy with where there marriage is and don't feel the need to split up. More power to them I guess. My fear about getting involved with a girl is the risk of breaking her heart later on if I come to that realization about myself. On the other hand, how can I know whether I'm capable of loving a woman if I limit myself for that reason? Ugh.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Multiple kinds of Lost
I admit it. I am obsessed with "Lost". I am so obsessed that I blew through three Best Buy gift cards to pick up the video game, which so far is a bit disappointing. Argh, I should have rented it! I'll give it more time, though. The TV show is only THE BEST SHOW EVER. I'm not sure if it's even possible to be a casual fan of that show.
I feel kind of silly writing this at this point, since almost no one knows about this blog. Of course there's a part of me that prefers it that way. That part of me has not helped me very much so far though, so let's not pay attention to him.
Argh, I hate this feeling of confusion. My certainty about my sexuality is in a constant state of flux. There are some days when I am on the verge of deciding that I am gay. Other times (like right now) I have serious doubts. Wow, it's taking me forever to write this paragraph. I'm having a hard time trying to decide how personal to make this. I think I'll back off for now.
Uhhh . . . so . . . yeah. I tend to bounce around a lot. Not literally, of course. Hmm . . . the fact that I found that funny means it is getting late. Later!
I feel kind of silly writing this at this point, since almost no one knows about this blog. Of course there's a part of me that prefers it that way. That part of me has not helped me very much so far though, so let's not pay attention to him.
Argh, I hate this feeling of confusion. My certainty about my sexuality is in a constant state of flux. There are some days when I am on the verge of deciding that I am gay. Other times (like right now) I have serious doubts. Wow, it's taking me forever to write this paragraph. I'm having a hard time trying to decide how personal to make this. I think I'll back off for now.
Uhhh . . . so . . . yeah. I tend to bounce around a lot. Not literally, of course. Hmm . . . the fact that I found that funny means it is getting late. Later!
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Testing, 1 2 3
So this is just a little experiment, at least for now. I need to feel like I’m making progress, and starting this blog seems like it might be at least somewhat productive. I have no idea how often I will feel like updating this thing, nor how long I’ll stick with it. Seems pretty common for people to quit these things quite suddenly. I’ve had a blog before, but it devolved into a “What did I do today?” type of thing. The lack of anonymity meant that I was always censoring myself until what was left was pretty boring (as if this blog will have you on the edge of your seat, haha). So now I’m trying an anonymous blog, at least for a little while, to try to sort through some things. Not the most original idea, but worth a try.
I’m going to just go by B for now. I am at a time of my life that some call the quarter-life crisis. I graduated from college a year ago and am now working my first full time job to make some money and get some experience before grad school. I am in the midst of trying to figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life. I’m hoping I will be surer by the end of the year, when I’m going to want to be applying to programs.
The main source of confusion and stress is my sexuality. I have never had a girlfriend, nor have I been on a single date. I only sort of asked out a girl once but it never panned out (she only agreed to hang out on a non-date since she was already seeing someone, then she flaked out on me). Pretty much since the beginning of college I've had an ever-growing suspicion that I might have an attraction to guys. In hindsight the attraction goes farther back. Fortunately I was not raised in a particularly religious environment, which would make it a lot harder to admit these things to myself. My family is still rather conservative though, especially on my dad’s side, which makes me nervous about the possibilities down the road. I’ve had crushes on girls before, but looking back it was never really based on physical attraction. I usually have to get to know a girl first before I get a “crush”. With guys on the other hand I tend to notice the attractive ones based on physical appearance alone. My only current “crush” happens to be a guy (that I’ve never talked to). I think a part of me is hoping against hope that I may be just far enough toward the heterosexual side of the Kinsey Scale to live a "normal" life. This article I came across discouraged me though . . . Shows how self-denial never helps anybody.
Well that’s enough for now. We’ll see how long it takes before I regret doing this and change my mind (I tend to second guess myself a lot, a very bad habit). Anyways I definitely do not plan on limiting this blog to that one topic. Lighter fare is always a good thing. Until next time.
I’m going to just go by B for now. I am at a time of my life that some call the quarter-life crisis. I graduated from college a year ago and am now working my first full time job to make some money and get some experience before grad school. I am in the midst of trying to figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life. I’m hoping I will be surer by the end of the year, when I’m going to want to be applying to programs.
The main source of confusion and stress is my sexuality. I have never had a girlfriend, nor have I been on a single date. I only sort of asked out a girl once but it never panned out (she only agreed to hang out on a non-date since she was already seeing someone, then she flaked out on me). Pretty much since the beginning of college I've had an ever-growing suspicion that I might have an attraction to guys. In hindsight the attraction goes farther back. Fortunately I was not raised in a particularly religious environment, which would make it a lot harder to admit these things to myself. My family is still rather conservative though, especially on my dad’s side, which makes me nervous about the possibilities down the road. I’ve had crushes on girls before, but looking back it was never really based on physical attraction. I usually have to get to know a girl first before I get a “crush”. With guys on the other hand I tend to notice the attractive ones based on physical appearance alone. My only current “crush” happens to be a guy (that I’ve never talked to). I think a part of me is hoping against hope that I may be just far enough toward the heterosexual side of the Kinsey Scale to live a "normal" life. This article I came across discouraged me though . . . Shows how self-denial never helps anybody.
Well that’s enough for now. We’ll see how long it takes before I regret doing this and change my mind (I tend to second guess myself a lot, a very bad habit). Anyways I definitely do not plan on limiting this blog to that one topic. Lighter fare is always a good thing. Until next time.
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