Hey guys. TwoLives, fan of casey, and Aek, thanks as always for the thoughtful comments. You guys have been following my blog for quite a while and I always appreciate your insights.
I'm not really dwelling too much on the whole "the one" thing that Roger told me about, despite the content of my last post. Yeah, it popped into my mind a few times today. I just rolled my eyes, laughed it off and moved on. You guys are right. There's no way to know about the situation, and in no way does it say anything about me. I was a character in that crazy story, but now I've been given my own spin-off and the plot of the Ben Show no longer concerns me.
I'm in a generally pretty good mood today. I had a good amount of social interaction, which is what it takes to lift me up. My friend at work who works part-time was in and we talked and joked a lot while she was helping me with a project. Then after work I went to a dinner gathering with the LGBT social group. It was fun. I caught up with a couple of friends and made some new ones. One guy I talked extensively with. He was really interesting and easy to talk to, and I ended up telling him a lot about my recent career explorations, my sexuality discovery process, and my forays into improv. He was very complimentary and supportive about it all, verbalizing his admiration of my level-headedness.
In talking to him I realized that, even though my demisexuality/asexuality/bisexuality/homosexuality or whatever it is confuses the hell out of me, it's not the end of the world. I made it work in my past relationship, at least for a time. I found someone I really liked and I was happy with. That's all that matters. I get so obsessed about doing "what's right" that I lose track of the fact that I need to look for what feels right. So the gay label doesn't seem to fit all the time? Fine. Don't use it. Not sure you're bi? Okay, don't go around saying you are. Just like who you like. Date who you want to date. Kiss who you want to kiss. If you enjoy it, then it's right at that moment. And that's all you can do. Put yourself out there and have faith that if you're true to yourself, the pieces will fall into place. When I first started dating I didn't expect to wind up in a relationship and fall in love with the second guy I ever went out with. But I did. You can't predict these things.
I get way too cerebral about it. Constantly testing myself. Okay, do I think that guy's hot? No? What about that guy? Not him either? What does that mean? Uh oh, that girl's actually kind of attractive. More attractive than those guys! But wait, this new guy actually is hot!
None of that matters. In the end I only have to be attracted to one person at a time . . . the one I am with. And if I'm happy, then it's right. I wish it were easier . . . but I have to make due with the way things are.
I don't believe in the concept of "The One." I think for anyone there is any number of potential "Ones." Having had a brief relationship with a near-One, I need to remember that my Ones are out there. It's only a matter of time.
I was so proud of myself for having a social activity planned for every night this week. Well, here I am on Wednesday night, and it's the third solitary night in a row. WTF?
Monday: my friend from OkCupid cancelled on me. He had spent the day before getting his car fixed after it broke down, and he was too "exhausted" to keep our scheduled hangout. This is a guy that I've hung out with twice so far, though I've been FB friends with him for more than a year. Really cool guy who always puts a smile on my face. Not this time though.
Tuesday: Alex cancelled on me. He said he never gets sick, but he wasn't feeling good so he had to leave work early. He said he'd have to reschedule.
Wednesday: Nick didn't cancel on me . . . he completely disappeared. When we talked on Sunday he mentioned he should be available Wednesday to meet up. I texted him Monday after the first cancellation to let him know Monday night was now available, or Wednesday. No response. Last night I texted him to see if we were still on for tonight. No response. Today I left him a voicemail, saying I needed to know so I could make other plans if he was unavailable. No response. I've been texting our mutual friend, who says that it's very unusual for Nick to flake like that. Something's going on with that guy, that's for sure. I can't say I really have the patience to deal with it right now. If he wants to hang out after returning from out of town (he leaves tomorrow), he knows where to find me.
Tomorrow is the Social Group get together. I think I'm safe . . . that would have to be a whole lot of no-shows to not happen, haha.
The guy I really hope doesn't cancel is Josh on Friday. He's planning to visit me in my neck of the woods, and I am excited. I don't know what the future has in store for us since he's just experimenting right now, but I'm willing to go with the flow. Things are looking good for Friday so far. He texted me tonight to say he is looking forward to it.
It was a tough few days. I had a couple nights dreaming of being back with Ben (ugh, come on brain, give me a break!!) and a lot of loneliness. Today there was an unexpected turn of events. I'm still not sure how I feel about it. At times it makes me feel better, at other times, the opposite.
It all started with the flurry of Facebook posts about the Prop 8 and DOMA decision (yay!!!!! A good time to be a Californian!!!) Most of the posts were supportive of the decision. But then I came upon a post by my cousin's former roommate (What does that make us? Absolutely nothing!) It mocked comparisons of LGBT rights to civil rights based on race, and claimed that the "reality" was that being gay is a choice and is a product of issues with one's father (uhh . . . so which one is it, oh intellectual one?)
I didn't wait for the inevitable flurry of enraged comments to ensue before I unfriended him. This guy no longer lives with my cousin and has already proven to be a bit of an ass (I won't get into that . . . suffice it to say that he and his friends have caused my cousin some headaches), so I don't need him and his ignorance polluting my newsfeed.
Anyways, I texted my cousin Roger about it. We texted back and forth a bit, and then he dropped a (minor) bomb: he saw Ben yesterday. He got together with him for a bit of career advice (I'd known he had been thinking about doing it and had given him my blessing . . . Ben is in a career that he is also interested in). Soon all the texting got to be a bit much so I called him to finish the conversation. He gave me some details that I didn't necessarily need to know . . . mainly that Ben is apparently quite serious with Daniel Newguy, and apparently Ben even said he might be "the one." This kind of surprised me, and obviously saddened me. Yes, I naturally was hoping Ben would come to his senses and realize what he had given up with me. I was hoping he'd have a hard time finding someone better. Who wouldn't? But apparently he did . . . and just a month or so after his brief foray into straight dating. Roger also said that Ben had asked about me and mentioned he might give me a call sometime.
The combination of these revelations seem to have had a net positive effect on me, strangely enough. Knowing that Ben might actually break our No Contact streak after all makes me realize he does still care about me and does want to be friends. Knowing about "The One" thing . . . well that could mean one of two things. Possibility One: Ben really has found someone better for him right after leaving me, making me a bit like the main character from Good Luck Chuck (any girl that sleeps with him breaks up with him and immediately winds up with Mr. Right). Possibility Two: Ben is riding high on another Honeymoon Phase and letting his emotions cloud his perception. That actually sounds like something he would do. About this time last year was when he was raving to his family about me and making me feel a little intimidated and self-conscious that I wasn't equally enthusiastic. Maybe he falls in love hard and falls out of love just as suddenly. It is a bit strange to be going around telling people the new guy might be "The One" after only dating him for two months or so. Especially Roger. Of course it's going to get back to me. Who knows, maybe it was on purpose. To kill any remaining hope I might have left.
Whichever is the real scenario, it means there's no point in waiting for him to recognize the awesomeness that is me, haha (not that I was planning to do that . . . it's just hard to give up hope). Either he absolutely did the right thing and has been rewarded for it, or he still hasn't learned his lesson and has started the cycle all over again. Either way he is a lost cause.
Which leaves me with . . . what to say if he does in fact call me? I was just planning to (maybe) send him a brief happy birthday email when the time came then resume no contact. I wasn't expecting to have an actual conversation with him anytime soon. I suppose I'll just be pleasant and follow his lead. Probably keep it fairly brief. No need to let him know anything about how I'm still hurting, and missing him. And wishing I could just go back in time and relive the last year once more (minus the last five months, of course) He'd better not read this blog, though. Argh, if you're reading this go mind your own business! Keep your word!!!
So right now I'm experiencing a mix of emotions. On the one hand I feel better because Ben hasn't completely written me off as a friend. On the other hand I'm not sure I really want his friendship at this time. If Daniel Newguy is "The One," then I'm the one before The One. And if you look at any number line, the one before one is . . . zero. I can't be his friend as long as I feel that way.
Oh well. Glad I could be the opening act for the main event. Now when do I get to be someone's main event?
Note: Apologies in advance for this entry . . . the first half is Ben-centric. I'm working through it!!
I realized not long ago that it's been exactly 5 months since the break up heard 'round . . . this blog. Ha ha. I guess that's a good sign that I didn't realize until late in the day! I've generally been feeling pretty good. But, there are still signs that I'm not totally over it.
My mom told me I really need to stop talking about it. Not that I talk to her often about it, but just because she knows about the fallout with Brody. I agree, it's probably past the point of helpfulness to retell my story over and over. A case of diminishing returns. And yet I found myself talking about it again Sunday night with my friend and his girlfriend. They had great advice, but afterward I felt guilty about bringing it up. Not to mention I also told them the Brody story. I texted my friend the next day to say how much I enjoyed spending time with them, but also apologized in case I got carried away with sharing my dating drama. He texted back and said not to worry about it.
On a more satisfying note, there is one friend whom I'm glad I told. He reacted to the wording of the "distance" email with the same kind of anger I did.
Me: "So first he says, 'Maybe it's alright to check in once every month or two . . .'"
Him: "What?? How controlling is that??"
Me: "Wait, it gets better: 'Any more than that I feel will stunt your healing process.'
Him: "YOUR healing process? Who does he think he is?? Man, I'm glad you're not dating that guy anymore!"
That made me crack up, and helped validate my feelings about the offensiveness of the email's tone.
Moving forward, I am going to make an effort to stop retelling the story. Because that will just keep me dwelling on it. I realized today part of the attraction of it though. There is definitely a mysterious quality to it all. The out-of-the-blue decision, the fluctuating orientation, the rebound boyfriend, the insulting email . . . all of this odd behavior intrigues the curious scientist part of me, haha. "What was he thinking??" But this mystery is not going to get solved, so I need to stop trying. Bottom line, I was ready for a serious relationship with someone. He was not. He still has maturing and exploring to do and until then is stuck in "grass is greener" mode. Not many more revelations to squeeze out of that one. Time to find new goals and distractions.
Hence why the local improv troupe is an important endeavor for me to undertake. I was unable to audition back in the fall because my weekends were devoted to you-know-who. Now that I'm unattached I was able to audition, and guess what? I got a call back for the second round!!! They liked me! They really liked me! And this wouldn't have happened if I didn't have my weekends free.
Practices start in two weeks. That will continue for a few months and then they'll determine if I'm a good fit for the troupe. So, we'll see what happens. I am looking forward to it. My life needs a little injection of purpose of the non-dating and non-career-related variety, as well as a new outlet to make new friends.
I'm still trying to keep myself busy. I was happy to have something planned for every day this week. Unfortunately tonight's scheduled friend cancelled on me last minute, which brought about the aforementioned lonely night. Gotta avoid those!
Tomorrow I'll meet up with Alex for the first time in a while. I have no idea what he thinks of me. I think pretty much the same I think of him. Just friends. Although I do like him and find him fairly cute. If there was interest on his part I might consider more at some point. Not enough to make the first move myself, though.
Wednesday I might meet up with Nick. Yeah, he finally got back to me and we talked a bit on the phone the other night. Unfortunately my interest in him is waning. It's been a month since I saw him last and his unresponsiveness and passivity since then has kind of killed the momentum. We'll see if seeing him again (if it happens, he still hasn't confirmed) changes that at all.
Thursday is the next social group event, so that should be fun. I've made a couple friends through it.
Friday I'm planning to meet up with Josh. That one I'm excited about. As you may recall we made out a bit last time, which was a huge step for me. I would love to have an encore. And the fact that I can even say that should do something to silence these incessant sexuality doubts!! Argh! Frickin' obsessing about whether or not I should be dating guys has returned with a vengeance during these last months of singledom. A product of my demisexual tendencies. Not being in a relationship, it's easy to forget how comfortable I was becoming with a gay identify before.
I had dinner with Brody last night. It was the first time seeing him since mid-May. I'll admit, I was VERY apprehensive about seeing him again. I even spent most of the session with my therapist talking about how I was going to deal with him, how I was going to ask for a more casual friendship than what we had.
At first our conversation was pleasant. I told him about my latest dating exploits and the three recent guys that I have had some interest in: Nick, Josh, and Kyle. He told me about a guy that he has started seeing. I told him about my eventful weekend, including the social group. It turns out his texting me later that day wasn't a coincidence. Our mutual friend who was at the social group gave him a nudge to convince him to reach out to me. I didn't address our issues at the dinner table because I didn't want to be stuck if things turned ugly. So, I waited to address them until after, out in the parking lot. I'm glad I did because . . . well things turned ugly.
It was partly my fault. I have realized that I am an over-sharer. I am honest to a fault. I feel better coming clean and not hiding things from people. Usually, that's a positive trait. But in this case, it made things worse. I found out a fundamental difference between Brody and I: whereas I like to tackle a problem with someone head on, talk it out and push through it, despite any awkwardness or unpleasantness, he prefers to just let things slide and leave the past in the past. Start things off with a blank slate. He also has a hard time grasping other people's perspectives. It is clear to me that even though he apologized he still thinks I overreacted to him yelling at me in the car, insulting me, and judging me. He still thinks it was insignificant, as well as all of his other rude behavior. He still thinks I"m oversensitive, and even said he told his mom that he had finally found a guy more sensitive than he is.
Anyways, I brought up my ambivalence going into the dinner because I wanted to reassure him that, because the conversation had gone well, I was feeling better about our friendship. I made the fatal error of saying that a couple people had encouraged me to cut him off. I was trying to make him feel good, by saying that I was going against those people's advice and trusting my gut. Instead, he got MAJORLY insulted. He decided that the ONLY way people would be giving me such advice would be if I gave them a very skewed idea of him, focusing only on the negative and not saying anything positive, such as talking about all the "countless" hours he had spent advising me on my breakup and gay dating. He recalled what I had said when he was trying to get me to demonize Ben. I had argued that I had only told him the negative about Ben, so of course he had a skewed idea of him. So now he was taking this and using it against me, and even implied that this is something that I enjoy, telling people negative things about other people. He wondered whether I was lashing out because I have feelings for him and was jealous that he was dating another guy. He scolded me for bringing up the "shit" again when he had already apologized. He reiterated again about how he is an optimistic guy and doesn't like to sweat the small stuff (once again minimizing my feelings). Soon I was shivering uncontrollably, and I'm still not sure whether the cold or my nervousness had more to do with it. We finished the conversation in his car (after I was about ready to take off several times). He was adamant that I was the one that had spoiled the positive energy by bringing up the shit. But I was not the one who was cussing. I was not the one who was raising my voice (well, until he provoked me enough). I was not the one who was judging. I was careful to talk about how his actions were making me feel, rather than what his characteristics were. He was the one calling me things like "oversensitive" and "negative," and commenting on my ruminating nature (I'll give him that one).
He also accused me of being wishy-washy about being friends with him, and practically demanded an ultimatum right on the spot. He wanted my commitment to the friendship right there and then. Frankly I was not in the mood to give it just like that. Eventually he realized he had made me feel cornered so he backed off a bit. I managed to dig myself out of the hole by explaining the real reasons why others had counseled me to drop him (mostly my mom, who is a bit cautious about meeting people online to begin with, and has dealt with a plethora of very sensitive, emotional people during her career)
Anyways, we finally parted ways. He suggested we go kayaking sometime. I responded we'd talk about it. I'd prefer it to be a group activity.
Ugh, I don't know what to do. If I move ahead and not talk about his past transgressions anymore we might reach some level of normalcy, but that's not going to change my feelings about him. I guess I'll just have to move forward and see if his behavior changes. He told me it's okay if I tell him I don't want to hang out as often as we were. I told him I'm going to be straight-forward with him about my needs and wants. So hopefully I won't have anymore conflict with him. I really think it is a personality mismatch, the likes of which I haven't experienced for years. He doesn't have many friends in the area though, and he always has nothing but praise for me (well, at least he did before). I'm just afraid I'm being too nice. I don't feel I really am overacting because I DON'T have conflict with most people. Anger is not something I experience much at all. Yet lately he's been able to bring it out of me with some regularity.
We'll see what happens.
In other news, I am thinking of writing off Nick. I really liked him. He's cute, funny, and we get along well. But it's been a month since I've seen him. I was giving him his space so he could focus on finals, but his tests have been over for a week now. I texted him last Wednesday to wish him good luck and again on Monday to see if he wants to hang out again now that they are over. No response, and usually he's very responsive. So, I was thinking of giving up. I don't want to come across as pushy.
BUT, it's not so simple. A friend of his is someone I met at a social group event. I was Facebook chatting with this guy, and he claims that Nick wants me to kiss him. He says that at our last date Nick wanted to kiss me but chickened out. I am horrible at making the first move, I must admit. I still don't have much experience with that, and I am still a little gunshy due to fear of getting rejected. I know I need to get over the latter. Knowing that he was interested after all makes me willing to try to do something if we were to hang out again, but that doesn't change the fact that he's unresponsive. His friend told me that he went home to visit family, but he's supposed to be back by now. And that shouldn't stand in the way of him texting me back. So, I don't know. May have missed an opportunity there. Oh well.
As for the other two members of the trifecta: Josh is interested in hanging out (and probably making out) more, but he's not being particularly aggressive in setting something up. Kyle has a lot of work travels ahead of him. I texted him today but haven't received a response.
Bleh. Hard to keep momentum going with people.
Despite all the drama I'm in a good mood tonight. I woke up still feeling all tense due to my confrontation with Brody, but tonight I got to do some improv with a new group of people, which always puts me in a good mood. I actually auditioned for a small local troupe. I kind of hope I get in. That would give me a great new activity to make friends, build confidence, and distract myself from the negative energy that certain individuals have given me this year.
Saturday was an eventful day. In the morning I went kayaking with the Filipino guy from last week. I really like him, which means he gets to receive a pseudonym. Let's call him Kyle.
Kyle's really nice. He's got a cute smile and is a "late bloomer" like me, having only come out 3 years ago. He seems pretty active in the community, volunteering for an LGBT organization. Our conversation flows pretty naturally and we have some things in common, such as a fondness and knowledge of rock music. I look forward to getting to know him better. He has a bit more relationship potential than Josh, who is nice and hot but has very limited availability and is currently in an exploratory mindset. Nothing wrong with that, but I am very wary of getting involved with another guy who doesn't know what he wants. Doesn't mean I can't have a little fun with him though.
Anyways, kayaking was a blast. We were able to pull our boats onto a dock and grab lunch, which was awesome. The excursion was much more relaxed than the one with Alex a few months ago. Alex left me in the dust whereas Kyle stayed close so we could chat.
After the date I went to a social gathering with the LGBT social group. It was a lot of fun. I caught up with some of the friends I made last time and made some new ones. My friend Adam, the one who first invited me to the group, was there. His boyfriend Howie couldn't make it. Howie is actually the one I know better, since he's the one who first messaged me on OkC and first met up with Ben and I back in January. So it was kind of nice to get to know Adam a bit better on his own. He brought along a friend of his, who was accompanied by two other friends, a guy and a girl. The guy was extremely cute. He had the same name as me, so we'll call him Cal, haha.
At one point Adam informed me that the four of them were going to go to a climbing gym that had just opened. He invited me to come along, so I did. I hadn't been expecting to go kayaking AND climbing in the same day! I admit, part of the reason I went was because other Cal was going too, haha. At the gym I tried a couple of climbs. It was pretty hard! I was already nursing a headache from kayaking in the sun that morning (I don't think I drank enough water), so I wasn't able to do much. Later on we watched a bouldering competition and I tried to chat with Cal a little bit. He wasn't very talkative. Bummer.
After the gym Adam and I left to go get some dinner. The other three kept climbing until late. As we ate I chatted with Adam about various things, including my . . . ahem, breakthrough date with Josh the other night. I also talked a bit about Brody, and how I was relieved that he wasn't at the social event earlier. I was afraid things would get awkward when I saw him next. Adam reiterated how he and Howie had been less than impressed with Brody's behavior at the party we all went to. They felt he came across a bit rude.
I dropped Adam off after dinner and headed home. I had a bad headache and was exhausted and sunburned from the day of fun. Then my phone buzzed with an incoming text. Who could it be? Well speak of the . . . it was Brody.
Just a pleasant, 'Hey Stranger, how's it going? We should hang out soon' type of message. Now, I had talked to several people including my mom about him. I had told them about the OCD episode, and the incident after the party where he raised his voice to me, picked an argument and called me "abnormal" for being hung up on my ex. These instances, plus other behavior of his (passive-aggressive text messages when he felt like I was "ducking" him, for instance) made me decide it was best to distance myself. I knew I was too tired that night to come up with an appropriate response.
Sunday was uneventful. I spent most of the day recovering from Saturday. I was sore all over from using muscles I'm unaccustomed to using. It felt good, though. I went on a date in the evening with another Filipino guy. This one was the opposite of Kyle. I wasn't attracted to him, I felt we didn't have much in common, and the conversation was a little forced and awkward at times. He texted me later on, but I responded with the "maybe just friends" text. Frankly I'm not even sure that was the appropriate response. I'm just a little too determined not to throw the word "chemistry" at people.
Sunday night I spoke with Janice about the Brody situation. She agreed his behavior was unacceptable, and gave me encouragement. She offered to read what I was going to send him before I sent it, but I decided to just get it over with. I texted him, basically saying, "Sorry for the delayed response. I've enjoyed getting to know you, but I don't think I want to hang out for the time being. I'm not sure I can offer you the friendship you are looking for. Perhaps we can catch up later on but for now I think I'd prefer to maintain some distance." Yes, I took a page from Ben's playbook. Yes, it made me feel a bit like a hypocrite. BUT, this is a guy I was friends with for two months we're talking about here. He was not my boyfriend for eight and a half months. I don't think I was asking for too much to expect more from Ben.
In any case, Brody took it about as well as could be expected. He called me. I didn't answer, wanting to hear his voicemail first. He spoke calmly in the voicemail, but started to say some rather harsh things, including that if I was planning to cut him off that didn't make me a very good friend. Then he started sending me text after text after text. The first one was a passive-aggressive mockery of my text: "Thanks for the delayed response and for ignoring my phone call." He went on to say that he felt I was being oversensitive if this was still about the argument we had in the car. He then went on to say I was obviously still hung up on Ben and was taking it out on him. I had been planning to text him to say I would call him the next day to talk since by then it was 11 PM, but I caved and gave him a call.
Similarly to our interaction in the car last month, this one started as an argument and gradually became less intense. I explained to him the reasons why the friendship was not working for me. I told him that the argument in the car was NOT the only reason, just the final straw. He tried to minimize the argument, saying it was a "little squabble." I told him I resented being told I was oversensitive for having a problem with it. I explained that I had opened up to him about my break up because I considered him a friend, and felt betrayed and attacked when he suddenly laid into me. He made it worse by suggesting that the words "appalled" and "abnormal" were consciously chosen rather than thrown out in anger.
Finally I told him that, regardless of whether he felt I should still be angry about it or not, I would need an apology or there would be nothing further for us to discuss. I think that's the line I'm most proud of, how badass of me, haha.
He resisted apologizing at first, but finally I got him to understand what he had done wrong and why I was hurt and he changed his tune. He apologized for insulting and judging me, and he acknowledged that everyone heals from a breakup on their own timetable. He also explained to me that the reason he lost his temper had much to do with the feelings that had developed for me. He apologized for losing his cool, and assured me it was not a sign of things to come but rather a freak occurrence. He said he felt that our friendship had much more positive to it then negative, and would be very saddened if it ended like this. He also apologized for saying I was no longer allowed to talk to him about my break up. He said that was a violation of his own philosophy of an unconditional friendship, and that moving forward I was welcome to come to him with whatever topic was on my mind. I admit, I do not like to burn bridges if I can help it, but I was still very apprehensive about continuing to associate with him. I had already given him several chances.
Ultimately I decided to give him another chance. BUT, we would need to have a conversation first to set boundaries and make sure we are on the same page. I do not want to hang out with him multiple times per week. I don't want to spend hours with him on the phone. And I don't want him trying to tie me up in conversation when he senses I am getting antsy. That's just disrespectful. I will give him the chance to make our friendship more symmetrical, and I will not hesitate to be blunt about my needs. That's what I had to do with Tom back in our troubled phase.
Well I've got a lot of catching up to do! It's been an eventful week. I'll get to what I teased about, don't worry (oh who am I kidding, you'll probably scroll down to that part, haha)
Last Thursday I went to see a performance of Spring Awakening with Janice. It's a rock musical based on a German play from the late 1800s. Music by Duncan Sheik of "Barely Breathing" fame. I really enjoyed it. I've been singing the songs ever since. Especially "The Bitch of Living." Except sometimes I change it to "The Bitch of Dating," haha. There's a small gay subplot in the play which is pretty cool, even though the audience treated it like comic relief (well, it kinda was played that way).
Last Friday I hung out with Tom. We went to get dinner and then played video games. I told him about Josh, and about how enjoyable the first date with him was. Tom is really cool about me talking about my dating exploits.
Saturday I went to my former roommate's daughter's 1st birthday party (well, barely made it before it ended, they ended early on account of the weather). It happened to be held near Howie and Adam's place, so I met up with them for dinner. This was the first time I'd seen them since the Queen Mary party. I asked them what they had thought of Brody (still haven't talked to him since that week). They said they didn't like him much. Talked about himself too much, and even interrupted other people to do so. I felt a little vindicated hearing that. Funny how surprised Brody was when I told him he tended to dominate conversations. Maybe I'm the only one who has had the balls to tell him. I'm going to an event put on by that LGBT group tomorrow. Hoping he won't be there so things don't get awkward.
Sunday I went out on a date with the guy I had previously referred to as the Japanese guy. Turns out he's Filipino, he just speaks Japanese and studied in Japan. Really nice guy and pretty cute. We ate at a Japanese place and he was impressed with how adventurous I was trying new things. He asked me to go kayaking with him tomorrow, so that's the plan.
I corresponded a bit with another blogger. He said something in an email which made me feel very good. He said that in the entries before Ben came into the picture, there was some kind of emptiness detectable. During my relationship with Ben that emptiness went away and I seemed to really start living my life. But here's the kicker . . . he said that Ben didn't take it with him when he left. After chatting with Janice I came up with a word for it . . . vitality. Ben brought a vitality to my life which wasn't there before, but it remains now that he's gone. So thanks fellow blogger Kevin for giving me that perspective!
Early part of the week was uneventful. I began to have a heartache relapse (yes, I would say my heartbreak can safely be downgraded to heartache now). Taking a walk helped calm my nerves, and I bought some novels for the first time in a long time to give me something to do when such a mood hits. I did some reading on attachment styles in relationships, which helped shed some light on my breakup for me. I think I may have exhibited a bit of an anxious attachment style in the relationship, with my tendency to give a lot of affection and craving for having it returned, as well as my tendency to worry about Ben's feelings for me (which he was able to calm most of the time, probably with lies in the latter months of our relationship). Ben, however, I think has a major case of an avoidant attachment style. He exhibits a lot of the signs: discomfort with showing affection, tendency to keep his feelings to himself, keeping his partner at arms length and having trouble opening up. Turns out those with anxious attachment styles are often attracted to those with avoidant attachment styles, but they can bring out the worst in each other. His avoidance just made me more anxious and possibly even made me come across as needy. The third attachment style is secure. I don't think my style is inherently anxious. I think if I was with a securely attached person I would be as well. Anyways, I think reading about this has helped me a bit since attachment style is pretty strongly rooted in one's personality, so there's not much I could have done. Ben's feelings would have run themselves into the ground regardless, and will likely continue to do so until he develops a more secure attachment style.
Alright, on to the good stuff.
Arranging a second date with Josh wasn't the easiest thing. His work schedule is crazy, and he often doesn't know whether he'll have the night off until the night before or even the day of. Tuesday was a possibility, but it didn't work out. Finally on Thursday he texted me while I was at work to see if I could meet up. He wanted to meet at a mall that was a tad far from me, but I'd never been there before so I agreed. The date pretty much followed the same format of our first. We met in the mall, ate dinner, talked a while, and then went to the car (his this time) to chat until I had to head home. Only this time . . .
We talked about all sorts of things during our conversation. Our types of guys, coming out experiences (he's not out to many, but his sister pretty much knows), working out (the guy is a health nut, and it shows), friendships, etc. He definitely started to test the walls of what I call the intimacy barrier. It started at dinner when he wanted to compare my hands to his. He tried to find a word to describe my hands besides "dainty." Didn't quite happen, haha. But he said I had artist's hands. "Guitarist's hands?" I asked. "No," he said. Ha ha.
Then in the car he was talking about how his ears were really sensitive. Pretty obvious invitation for me to test that, haha. He started kind of feeling my ear too, then massaging my scalp (I liked that), then putting his arm across my shoulders. Meanwhile I was extremely comfortable in his padded passenger seat. I oriented myself toward him and kind of rested my head on his arm. Before I knew it he was going for it. He made the first move and we were making out. This being only the second guy I have ever kissed, I was a bit cerebral about it, making sure to vary the tongue motions and direction of my head and all that. Just kind of following his lead. With my hands I massaged the back of his head and also took the opportunity to do a little feeling of the muscles in his arm and chest. We did that for a while, several times. Self-conscious as I am, I asked him with a smile how I am at kissing. He said I was good!
He told me he really enjoys talking to me, and also really enjoyed making out. He would definitely like to do that again (as would I). However, as he drove me back to my car he made it clear that he is not quite ready for a relationship. Even though he has experimented with guys before, he is only now seriously looking into gay dating and is still a bit on the fence. I told him I understood. Funny how I've opened up about that. Frankly, I'm not ready for a serious relationship either, and with the distance and hectic work schedule he has it wouldn't be very easy to do. A friend to try stuff with (especially one who's so hot!) could be just what I need right now. He's very sensitive about the possibility of leading me on. I told him that's why communication is very important. I told him that the reason I've been hurt in the past is because the other guy didn't do his job and communicate properly. I told him I'm cool with keeping things casual. I can tell this is a guy with good values, so I'm not too worried. I just really hope this doesn't end badly like it did with Ben. And Brody for that matter, even though that was just a friendship and never crossed the intimacy barrier.
So, I was pretty much on Cloud Nine driving back from that date. Now I can finally say that I've done something with someone other than Ben. I know I have to be careful not to get emotionally entangled, of course. I don't think I have to worry about that too much for the time being. I almost feel like I've caught a bit of the avoidant attachment. I really don't feel too much investment with Josh. I like him a lot, but I'm in no real hurry to see him again (though I'd certainly like to!) Guess I'm just keeping my expectations low. I just want to have some fun, get some experience, and get to know this guy.
Meanwhile I'll continue to date. I've temporarily suspended my OkCupid account. I'd like to say it's because I'm taking a break (and now that I have I am), but unfortunately the reason is less . . . deliberate.
I admit, in the last week I looked up Ben's profile. Since I've made his FB page off limits I think I wanted to use a different method to see if his rebound relationship has met its end yet (I think I wanted confirmation for my attachment theory). Then when it came up . . . I accidentally clicked where I shouldn't have and inadvertently opened the profile (I just wanted to see it in the search results). With horror I realized I was logged in, which meant he could see that I visited! So much for no contact since March! I immediately suspended my account, hoping it would nullify my appearance in his visitors list. Of course even if it did he probably got a notification email since we have such a high match percentage. Oh well. Punishment for my moment of weakness. So as penance I'm staying off OkCupid for the rest of the week. I have two dates lined up for the weekend anyway (kayaking with the Filipino guy from last weekend, and meeting up with the other Filipino guy, haha).
Phew! So the up and down continues. The healing continues. Despite my one little lapse I feel like I made several breakthroughs this week. I came up with a new way of thinking about the break up which further removes the blame from my shoulders (i.e., there's nothing I could have done, he's emotionally hardwired to have trouble with relationships) and had an intimate experience with a new sexy guy. Yay!
Tuesday night I went on a date with the guy I referred to as the buff nerd in the last entry. He's pretty much exactly that! He described himself on his profile as a nerd trapped in an athlete's body. He lives somewhat far from me (though I've met people from farther), so we met in the middle. We met at a shopping mall, and the first thing we did was browse a comic book store and talk about how we both used to watch the Spider-man animated series. We walked and talked for a while and eventually made our way to Chili's. We stayed there for several hours, finishing our food and talking until almost closing time. I ended up being way more open about my experiences than I was expecting to be. Turns out this guy (let's christen him Josh) is pretty much just starting out in the gay dating scene, much as I did a year and a half ago. Although he does have a lot more experience than me in fooling around with guys. One unfortunate fact: his family is deeply religious and quite homophobic, so he is not out to any of them. Sounds like he's a bit on the fence about whether he is bi or gay (damn it . . . not sure I want to get involved with another one of those at this point). He does sound quite curious to give a relationship with a guy a go. He seemed a bit worried about getting his heartbroken, but I told him that that's the risk you have to take if you want to experience the joys of a relationship (I even used my example from the Oz movie, he liked that, haha).
I really had a great time with him. Unlike some of the dates with Brody, I actually felt engaged in the conversation the whole time and didn't feel like the other guy was dominating it. After we left the restaurant we went and sat in my car in the parking lot for a while (at Josh's suggestion) to talk more. I kept marveling at how hot his physique is (what can I say, I have a thing for muscles, haha). He even got a little affectionate with me, giving me a flirtatious joking punch at one point, and giving me a big hug before we parted ways. We didn't do more, because earlier he had talked about how every guy he has gone out with seemed to expect action on the first date (at the very least making out), and I had told him I wasn't like that. Would have been a bit hypocritical of me, no? Ha ha. But the thought did cross my mind!
He also said that he is open to casual play with trusted friends. Which has never been my style but I'm a little bit tempted if it were to come to that, haha. That way I could potentially fool around with him even if we just ended up as friends. I really want to expand my experience beyond the one person I've done anything with, but not being into casual one-night stand hookups it's not as easy for me as it might be for some. We'll see what happens. But that was hands down one of my most enjoyable first-date experiences.
There are obviously reasons to be cautious about this guy. I'm very hesitant to get involved with another person who isn't sure about their orientation or what direction they want to go. But I still think "go with the flow" is the best philosophy to have, so I'm not going to over-think things or get ahead of myself.
I also had lunch with a new friend from the LGBT social group. He had expressed interest in my story so I met up with him to talk. His story was very interesting too. full of a lot more homophobia and relationship drama than mine has. It always reminds me to count my blessings when I hear about some of the situations that others have had to go through.
It will be a while before I can meet up with Nick again. Although I did have a brief text conversation with him last night. He is indeed super busy until his finals are over, but he said he hopes we can hang out after.
It's nice having two guys that I'm interested in! That hasn't happened since . . . well since the very beginning of this grand adventure, haha. February 2012 if I'm not mistaken. Oh and I did get a text from Alex the other day, asking me if I was going to LA Pride. I'm not planning to, but it was nice of him to check in with me. I thought he had pretty much written me off. I still don't think he is interested, but I like him and would like to be friends.
How's it going, all? I'm alright. My cousin Brad and his girlfriend came down this weekend. They were staying an hour and a half away with friends, so I only got to see them briefly for dinner last night when they were in the area, but it was very nice. We chatted about a lot. His girlfriend's recent graduation and first job, his job and future plans, my ever-shifting career plans, my ongoing healing process, my dating, politics, family, etc. It was a nice time. Brad is the cousin that I'm arguably closest with even though the age difference is greatest between us. We are the most similar intellectually, and to some extent emotionally (well, he's nowhere near as anxiety-prone or obsessive as I am, haha).
Today I just kind of relaxed and gave myself some me-time. No new dates since last weekend, but I am in communication with a couple of guys that I hope to meet up with over the next week or so. I still have an interest in Nick, but I haven't met up with him for the third time yet. He's pretty busy right now, as he is approaching his first finals week as a graduate student. I did call him up on Thursday night and talked to him for a half an hour, so that was nice. I'm waiting for him to contact me next, I do not want to scare him away by being too forward.
Today I went to a local discount theater for the first time and watched Oz the Great and Powerful, since I've been wanting to see it. I'm glad I did. I enjoyed it, and it had some themes that resonated. (SPOILER ALERT if you care)
The relationship between Oz and Theodora had some personal relevance. Theodora is heartbroken when her affections for Oz are not returned and she is led to believe that he is pursuing Glinda. Rather than face her pain and work through it, she opts for the easy way out and accepts a magical apple from the evil Evanora that removes the goodness in her heart. The moral: having emotions is a double edged sword. The same emotions that give us such joy when we experience a loving relationship with someone can be turned against us when that someone rejects us. However, that's the price we pay, and the alternative would be to give up our humanity.
I admit, I am still pretty torn up about Daniel Newguy being in the picture with Ben, though it's been a month since I found out (I added Ben to my restricted friends list on FB by the way, so I don't have to worry about him "liking" any more of my posts, or even being able to see them). I think part of what I was using to make myself feel better after the breakup was the idea that Ben really did need to be with a woman to feel fulfilled in a romantic relationship. Then he ended up with another guy within 2-3 months. It doesn't feel so hot to be so easily replaceable, let me tell you. So the only consolation I have to hold onto is the assumption that it's a rebound, plain and simple, and that Ben is a major commitmentphobe. I'm still working on forgiveness. Still trying to be more like Glinda the Good Witch and not the vindictive Wicked Witch, haha.
As for Brody, I haven't heard anything from him since he texted me a week ago last Friday. I think he's gotten the message. I do feel bad that the friendship has gone south, but that really was his doing. He crossed a major line by speaking to me so harshly and insulting me, by attacking me for opening up to him. I did apologize for inadvertently hurting him, but he hasn't come forward and apologized for directing the words "appalling" and "abnormal" at me and my behavior. And friendship is not going to happen until he does. If he contacts me again I will tell him this.
In a nutshell here's the update on the guys of my life, past and present.
Ben: Still on the rebound as far as I know, still occupying way more mental space than I would like (including a dream last night where I spoke to his roommate about him, weird, haha). Still haven't spoken to him since February, haven't emailed since March. What would be the point. Nothing emerges from opening that door except sharp objects. And my heart is a magnet.
Brody: Uncharacteristically distant, probably pissed at me.
Nick: Tangled up in his studies, but still presumably interested in getting to know me.
In the works: a buff nerdy guy, a Filipino guy, and a Japanese guy.
