I had dinner with Brody last night. It was the first time seeing him since mid-May. I'll admit, I was VERY apprehensive about seeing him again. I even spent most of the session with my therapist talking about how I was going to deal with him, how I was going to ask for a more casual friendship than what we had.
At first our conversation was pleasant. I told him about my latest dating exploits and the three recent guys that I have had some interest in: Nick, Josh, and Kyle. He told me about a guy that he has started seeing. I told him about my eventful weekend, including the social group. It turns out his texting me later that day wasn't a coincidence. Our mutual friend who was at the social group gave him a nudge to convince him to reach out to me. I didn't address our issues at the dinner table because I didn't want to be stuck if things turned ugly. So, I waited to address them until after, out in the parking lot. I'm glad I did because . . . well things turned ugly.
It was partly my fault. I have realized that I am an over-sharer. I am honest to a fault. I feel better coming clean and not hiding things from people. Usually, that's a positive trait. But in this case, it made things worse. I found out a fundamental difference between Brody and I: whereas I like to tackle a problem with someone head on, talk it out and push through it, despite any awkwardness or unpleasantness, he prefers to just let things slide and leave the past in the past. Start things off with a blank slate. He also has a hard time grasping other people's perspectives. It is clear to me that even though he apologized he still thinks I overreacted to him yelling at me in the car, insulting me, and judging me. He still thinks it was insignificant, as well as all of his other rude behavior. He still thinks I"m oversensitive, and even said he told his mom that he had finally found a guy more sensitive than he is.
Anyways, I brought up my ambivalence going into the dinner because I wanted to reassure him that, because the conversation had gone well, I was feeling better about our friendship. I made the fatal error of saying that a couple people had encouraged me to cut him off. I was trying to make him feel good, by saying that I was going against those people's advice and trusting my gut. Instead, he got MAJORLY insulted. He decided that the ONLY way people would be giving me such advice would be if I gave them a very skewed idea of him, focusing only on the negative and not saying anything positive, such as talking about all the "countless" hours he had spent advising me on my breakup and gay dating. He recalled what I had said when he was trying to get me to demonize Ben. I had argued that I had only told him the negative about Ben, so of course he had a skewed idea of him. So now he was taking this and using it against me, and even implied that this is something that I enjoy, telling people negative things about other people. He wondered whether I was lashing out because I have feelings for him and was jealous that he was dating another guy. He scolded me for bringing up the "shit" again when he had already apologized. He reiterated again about how he is an optimistic guy and doesn't like to sweat the small stuff (once again minimizing my feelings). Soon I was shivering uncontrollably, and I'm still not sure whether the cold or my nervousness had more to do with it. We finished the conversation in his car (after I was about ready to take off several times). He was adamant that I was the one that had spoiled the positive energy by bringing up the shit. But I was not the one who was cussing. I was not the one who was raising my voice (well, until he provoked me enough). I was not the one who was judging. I was careful to talk about how his actions were making me feel, rather than what his characteristics were. He was the one calling me things like "oversensitive" and "negative," and commenting on my ruminating nature (I'll give him that one).
He also accused me of being wishy-washy about being friends with him, and practically demanded an ultimatum right on the spot. He wanted my commitment to the friendship right there and then. Frankly I was not in the mood to give it just like that. Eventually he realized he had made me feel cornered so he backed off a bit. I managed to dig myself out of the hole by explaining the real reasons why others had counseled me to drop him (mostly my mom, who is a bit cautious about meeting people online to begin with, and has dealt with a plethora of very sensitive, emotional people during her career)
Anyways, we finally parted ways. He suggested we go kayaking sometime. I responded we'd talk about it. I'd prefer it to be a group activity.
Ugh, I don't know what to do. If I move ahead and not talk about his past transgressions anymore we might reach some level of normalcy, but that's not going to change my feelings about him. I guess I'll just have to move forward and see if his behavior changes. He told me it's okay if I tell him I don't want to hang out as often as we were. I told him I'm going to be straight-forward with him about my needs and wants. So hopefully I won't have anymore conflict with him. I really think it is a personality mismatch, the likes of which I haven't experienced for years. He doesn't have many friends in the area though, and he always has nothing but praise for me (well, at least he did before). I'm just afraid I'm being too nice. I don't feel I really am overacting because I DON'T have conflict with most people. Anger is not something I experience much at all. Yet lately he's been able to bring it out of me with some regularity.
We'll see what happens.
In other news, I am thinking of writing off Nick. I really liked him. He's cute, funny, and we get along well. But it's been a month since I've seen him. I was giving him his space so he could focus on finals, but his tests have been over for a week now. I texted him last Wednesday to wish him good luck and again on Monday to see if he wants to hang out again now that they are over. No response, and usually he's very responsive. So, I was thinking of giving up. I don't want to come across as pushy.
BUT, it's not so simple. A friend of his is someone I met at a social group event. I was Facebook chatting with this guy, and he claims that Nick wants me to kiss him. He says that at our last date Nick wanted to kiss me but chickened out. I am horrible at making the first move, I must admit. I still don't have much experience with that, and I am still a little gunshy due to fear of getting rejected. I know I need to get over the latter. Knowing that he was interested after all makes me willing to try to do something if we were to hang out again, but that doesn't change the fact that he's unresponsive. His friend told me that he went home to visit family, but he's supposed to be back by now. And that shouldn't stand in the way of him texting me back. So, I don't know. May have missed an opportunity there. Oh well.
As for the other two members of the trifecta: Josh is interested in hanging out (and probably making out) more, but he's not being particularly aggressive in setting something up. Kyle has a lot of work travels ahead of him. I texted him today but haven't received a response.
Bleh. Hard to keep momentum going with people.
Despite all the drama I'm in a good mood tonight. I woke up still feeling all tense due to my confrontation with Brody, but tonight I got to do some improv with a new group of people, which always puts me in a good mood. I actually auditioned for a small local troupe. I kind of hope I get in. That would give me a great new activity to make friends, build confidence, and distract myself from the negative energy that certain individuals have given me this year.
Showing posts with label Brody. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Brody. Show all posts
Thursday, June 20, 2013
An active weekend
Hello all.
I wrote this entry two days ago, but internet was down so I couldn't publish it. I'll publish it as is and then follow up with one for tonight.
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Saturday was an eventful day. In the morning I went kayaking with the Filipino guy from last week. I really like him, which means he gets to receive a pseudonym. Let's call him Kyle.
Kyle's really nice. He's got a cute smile and is a "late bloomer" like me, having only come out 3 years ago. He seems pretty active in the community, volunteering for an LGBT organization. Our conversation flows pretty naturally and we have some things in common, such as a fondness and knowledge of rock music. I look forward to getting to know him better. He has a bit more relationship potential than Josh, who is nice and hot but has very limited availability and is currently in an exploratory mindset. Nothing wrong with that, but I am very wary of getting involved with another guy who doesn't know what he wants. Doesn't mean I can't have a little fun with him though.
Anyways, kayaking was a blast. We were able to pull our boats onto a dock and grab lunch, which was awesome. The excursion was much more relaxed than the one with Alex a few months ago. Alex left me in the dust whereas Kyle stayed close so we could chat.
After the date I went to a social gathering with the LGBT social group. It was a lot of fun. I caught up with some of the friends I made last time and made some new ones. My friend Adam, the one who first invited me to the group, was there. His boyfriend Howie couldn't make it. Howie is actually the one I know better, since he's the one who first messaged me on OkC and first met up with Ben and I back in January. So it was kind of nice to get to know Adam a bit better on his own. He brought along a friend of his, who was accompanied by two other friends, a guy and a girl. The guy was extremely cute. He had the same name as me, so we'll call him Cal, haha.
At one point Adam informed me that the four of them were going to go to a climbing gym that had just opened. He invited me to come along, so I did. I hadn't been expecting to go kayaking AND climbing in the same day! I admit, part of the reason I went was because other Cal was going too, haha. At the gym I tried a couple of climbs. It was pretty hard! I was already nursing a headache from kayaking in the sun that morning (I don't think I drank enough water), so I wasn't able to do much. Later on we watched a bouldering competition and I tried to chat with Cal a little bit. He wasn't very talkative. Bummer.
After the gym Adam and I left to go get some dinner. The other three kept climbing until late. As we ate I chatted with Adam about various things, including my . . . ahem, breakthrough date with Josh the other night. I also talked a bit about Brody, and how I was relieved that he wasn't at the social event earlier. I was afraid things would get awkward when I saw him next. Adam reiterated how he and Howie had been less than impressed with Brody's behavior at the party we all went to. They felt he came across a bit rude.
I dropped Adam off after dinner and headed home. I had a bad headache and was exhausted and sunburned from the day of fun. Then my phone buzzed with an incoming text. Who could it be? Well speak of the . . . it was Brody.
Just a pleasant, 'Hey Stranger, how's it going? We should hang out soon' type of message. Now, I had talked to several people including my mom about him. I had told them about the OCD episode, and the incident after the party where he raised his voice to me, picked an argument and called me "abnormal" for being hung up on my ex. These instances, plus other behavior of his (passive-aggressive text messages when he felt like I was "ducking" him, for instance) made me decide it was best to distance myself. I knew I was too tired that night to come up with an appropriate response.
Sunday was uneventful. I spent most of the day recovering from Saturday. I was sore all over from using muscles I'm unaccustomed to using. It felt good, though. I went on a date in the evening with another Filipino guy. This one was the opposite of Kyle. I wasn't attracted to him, I felt we didn't have much in common, and the conversation was a little forced and awkward at times. He texted me later on, but I responded with the "maybe just friends" text. Frankly I'm not even sure that was the appropriate response. I'm just a little too determined not to throw the word "chemistry" at people.
Sunday night I spoke with Janice about the Brody situation. She agreed his behavior was unacceptable, and gave me encouragement. She offered to read what I was going to send him before I sent it, but I decided to just get it over with. I texted him, basically saying, "Sorry for the delayed response. I've enjoyed getting to know you, but I don't think I want to hang out for the time being. I'm not sure I can offer you the friendship you are looking for. Perhaps we can catch up later on but for now I think I'd prefer to maintain some distance." Yes, I took a page from Ben's playbook. Yes, it made me feel a bit like a hypocrite. BUT, this is a guy I was friends with for two months we're talking about here. He was not my boyfriend for eight and a half months. I don't think I was asking for too much to expect more from Ben.
In any case, Brody took it about as well as could be expected. He called me. I didn't answer, wanting to hear his voicemail first. He spoke calmly in the voicemail, but started to say some rather harsh things, including that if I was planning to cut him off that didn't make me a very good friend. Then he started sending me text after text after text. The first one was a passive-aggressive mockery of my text: "Thanks for the delayed response and for ignoring my phone call." He went on to say that he felt I was being oversensitive if this was still about the argument we had in the car. He then went on to say I was obviously still hung up on Ben and was taking it out on him. I had been planning to text him to say I would call him the next day to talk since by then it was 11 PM, but I caved and gave him a call.
Similarly to our interaction in the car last month, this one started as an argument and gradually became less intense. I explained to him the reasons why the friendship was not working for me. I told him that the argument in the car was NOT the only reason, just the final straw. He tried to minimize the argument, saying it was a "little squabble." I told him I resented being told I was oversensitive for having a problem with it. I explained that I had opened up to him about my break up because I considered him a friend, and felt betrayed and attacked when he suddenly laid into me. He made it worse by suggesting that the words "appalled" and "abnormal" were consciously chosen rather than thrown out in anger.
Finally I told him that, regardless of whether he felt I should still be angry about it or not, I would need an apology or there would be nothing further for us to discuss. I think that's the line I'm most proud of, how badass of me, haha.
He resisted apologizing at first, but finally I got him to understand what he had done wrong and why I was hurt and he changed his tune. He apologized for insulting and judging me, and he acknowledged that everyone heals from a breakup on their own timetable. He also explained to me that the reason he lost his temper had much to do with the feelings that had developed for me. He apologized for losing his cool, and assured me it was not a sign of things to come but rather a freak occurrence. He said he felt that our friendship had much more positive to it then negative, and would be very saddened if it ended like this. He also apologized for saying I was no longer allowed to talk to him about my break up. He said that was a violation of his own philosophy of an unconditional friendship, and that moving forward I was welcome to come to him with whatever topic was on my mind. I admit, I do not like to burn bridges if I can help it, but I was still very apprehensive about continuing to associate with him. I had already given him several chances.
Ultimately I decided to give him another chance. BUT, we would need to have a conversation first to set boundaries and make sure we are on the same page. I do not want to hang out with him multiple times per week. I don't want to spend hours with him on the phone. And I don't want him trying to tie me up in conversation when he senses I am getting antsy. That's just disrespectful. I will give him the chance to make our friendship more symmetrical, and I will not hesitate to be blunt about my needs. That's what I had to do with Tom back in our troubled phase.
I wrote this entry two days ago, but internet was down so I couldn't publish it. I'll publish it as is and then follow up with one for tonight.
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Saturday was an eventful day. In the morning I went kayaking with the Filipino guy from last week. I really like him, which means he gets to receive a pseudonym. Let's call him Kyle.
Kyle's really nice. He's got a cute smile and is a "late bloomer" like me, having only come out 3 years ago. He seems pretty active in the community, volunteering for an LGBT organization. Our conversation flows pretty naturally and we have some things in common, such as a fondness and knowledge of rock music. I look forward to getting to know him better. He has a bit more relationship potential than Josh, who is nice and hot but has very limited availability and is currently in an exploratory mindset. Nothing wrong with that, but I am very wary of getting involved with another guy who doesn't know what he wants. Doesn't mean I can't have a little fun with him though.
Anyways, kayaking was a blast. We were able to pull our boats onto a dock and grab lunch, which was awesome. The excursion was much more relaxed than the one with Alex a few months ago. Alex left me in the dust whereas Kyle stayed close so we could chat.
After the date I went to a social gathering with the LGBT social group. It was a lot of fun. I caught up with some of the friends I made last time and made some new ones. My friend Adam, the one who first invited me to the group, was there. His boyfriend Howie couldn't make it. Howie is actually the one I know better, since he's the one who first messaged me on OkC and first met up with Ben and I back in January. So it was kind of nice to get to know Adam a bit better on his own. He brought along a friend of his, who was accompanied by two other friends, a guy and a girl. The guy was extremely cute. He had the same name as me, so we'll call him Cal, haha.
At one point Adam informed me that the four of them were going to go to a climbing gym that had just opened. He invited me to come along, so I did. I hadn't been expecting to go kayaking AND climbing in the same day! I admit, part of the reason I went was because other Cal was going too, haha. At the gym I tried a couple of climbs. It was pretty hard! I was already nursing a headache from kayaking in the sun that morning (I don't think I drank enough water), so I wasn't able to do much. Later on we watched a bouldering competition and I tried to chat with Cal a little bit. He wasn't very talkative. Bummer.
After the gym Adam and I left to go get some dinner. The other three kept climbing until late. As we ate I chatted with Adam about various things, including my . . . ahem, breakthrough date with Josh the other night. I also talked a bit about Brody, and how I was relieved that he wasn't at the social event earlier. I was afraid things would get awkward when I saw him next. Adam reiterated how he and Howie had been less than impressed with Brody's behavior at the party we all went to. They felt he came across a bit rude.
I dropped Adam off after dinner and headed home. I had a bad headache and was exhausted and sunburned from the day of fun. Then my phone buzzed with an incoming text. Who could it be? Well speak of the . . . it was Brody.
Just a pleasant, 'Hey Stranger, how's it going? We should hang out soon' type of message. Now, I had talked to several people including my mom about him. I had told them about the OCD episode, and the incident after the party where he raised his voice to me, picked an argument and called me "abnormal" for being hung up on my ex. These instances, plus other behavior of his (passive-aggressive text messages when he felt like I was "ducking" him, for instance) made me decide it was best to distance myself. I knew I was too tired that night to come up with an appropriate response.
Sunday was uneventful. I spent most of the day recovering from Saturday. I was sore all over from using muscles I'm unaccustomed to using. It felt good, though. I went on a date in the evening with another Filipino guy. This one was the opposite of Kyle. I wasn't attracted to him, I felt we didn't have much in common, and the conversation was a little forced and awkward at times. He texted me later on, but I responded with the "maybe just friends" text. Frankly I'm not even sure that was the appropriate response. I'm just a little too determined not to throw the word "chemistry" at people.
Sunday night I spoke with Janice about the Brody situation. She agreed his behavior was unacceptable, and gave me encouragement. She offered to read what I was going to send him before I sent it, but I decided to just get it over with. I texted him, basically saying, "Sorry for the delayed response. I've enjoyed getting to know you, but I don't think I want to hang out for the time being. I'm not sure I can offer you the friendship you are looking for. Perhaps we can catch up later on but for now I think I'd prefer to maintain some distance." Yes, I took a page from Ben's playbook. Yes, it made me feel a bit like a hypocrite. BUT, this is a guy I was friends with for two months we're talking about here. He was not my boyfriend for eight and a half months. I don't think I was asking for too much to expect more from Ben.
In any case, Brody took it about as well as could be expected. He called me. I didn't answer, wanting to hear his voicemail first. He spoke calmly in the voicemail, but started to say some rather harsh things, including that if I was planning to cut him off that didn't make me a very good friend. Then he started sending me text after text after text. The first one was a passive-aggressive mockery of my text: "Thanks for the delayed response and for ignoring my phone call." He went on to say that he felt I was being oversensitive if this was still about the argument we had in the car. He then went on to say I was obviously still hung up on Ben and was taking it out on him. I had been planning to text him to say I would call him the next day to talk since by then it was 11 PM, but I caved and gave him a call.
Similarly to our interaction in the car last month, this one started as an argument and gradually became less intense. I explained to him the reasons why the friendship was not working for me. I told him that the argument in the car was NOT the only reason, just the final straw. He tried to minimize the argument, saying it was a "little squabble." I told him I resented being told I was oversensitive for having a problem with it. I explained that I had opened up to him about my break up because I considered him a friend, and felt betrayed and attacked when he suddenly laid into me. He made it worse by suggesting that the words "appalled" and "abnormal" were consciously chosen rather than thrown out in anger.
Finally I told him that, regardless of whether he felt I should still be angry about it or not, I would need an apology or there would be nothing further for us to discuss. I think that's the line I'm most proud of, how badass of me, haha.
He resisted apologizing at first, but finally I got him to understand what he had done wrong and why I was hurt and he changed his tune. He apologized for insulting and judging me, and he acknowledged that everyone heals from a breakup on their own timetable. He also explained to me that the reason he lost his temper had much to do with the feelings that had developed for me. He apologized for losing his cool, and assured me it was not a sign of things to come but rather a freak occurrence. He said he felt that our friendship had much more positive to it then negative, and would be very saddened if it ended like this. He also apologized for saying I was no longer allowed to talk to him about my break up. He said that was a violation of his own philosophy of an unconditional friendship, and that moving forward I was welcome to come to him with whatever topic was on my mind. I admit, I do not like to burn bridges if I can help it, but I was still very apprehensive about continuing to associate with him. I had already given him several chances.
Ultimately I decided to give him another chance. BUT, we would need to have a conversation first to set boundaries and make sure we are on the same page. I do not want to hang out with him multiple times per week. I don't want to spend hours with him on the phone. And I don't want him trying to tie me up in conversation when he senses I am getting antsy. That's just disrespectful. I will give him the chance to make our friendship more symmetrical, and I will not hesitate to be blunt about my needs. That's what I had to do with Tom back in our troubled phase.
Monday, May 20, 2013
We'll have a gay ol' time
I had a very eventful weekend. Be warned, you might want to break this entry up into several sittings! Ha ha.
Friday night
I attended an LGBT group that my friend Adam invited me to. Adam is the boyfriend of Howie, who I met back in January. It was fun. I met a bunch of nice people. All of the cute guys were taken though :-) One of the leaders of the group was a really friendly guy who seems very interested to hear my coming out story (I mentioned to him that I just came out over the last year). I invited Brody to go to the group as well, and I think he also enjoyed himself. Everyone was asking us if we were a couple. After dinner the group went bowling. Brody and I tagged along but didn't bowl. At one point I was chatting with someone and got into a conversation about my break-up. Realizing I hadn't shared the latest with Brody, I told him about the whole Facebook relationship status thing with Ben, and how I only checked his profile because he had "liked" things on my page. Brody was convinced that Ben had done it on purpose to lure me to his page, but I disagreed. Ben is mixed-up and anxiety-prone, but he's not malicious.
This wasn't the only disagreement with Brody that night. He was also annoyed at me for seemingly ducking him for the past week. He had texted me earlier in the week to have dinner one night. I had already made plans for almost every night (which doesn't happen that often), so I said possibly Thursday before I met up with another friend for drinks. When Thursday came and that friend had to cancel, I let Brody know that I had more time now. He didn't get back to me until late, so we ended up talking for an hour on the phone instead. Well, mostly he talked and I listened. A lot of the conversation was about a medical condition of his, and I understand it has him worried and he needed to talk it out with someone, so I listened. But by the end of the hour I was getting antsy to get off the phone (I'm really only a fan of lengthy phone conversations if it's someone I haven't talked to in a while or a significant other). I finally had to excuse myself when I detected a pause.
Saturday night
I attended a dance party in Long Beach, on the Queen Mary (an old cruise ship that is now permanently docked and acts as a hotel, museum and event venue). The party was in honor of Long Beach Pride, and I found out about it a month or so ago through Groupon. I thought it would be a fun way to have a good time with some of my new gay friends. I drove up with Brody. Howie and Adam drove separately, since Howie had to work early the next morning. Also joining us was the quiet guy I went out with back in February, as mentioned here. Turns out he already knows Howie. The night started out well. We met at the Pike (good old Pike . . . place where I met you-know-who . . . but the more I go there and form new memories the more the spell is broken) and had dinner. Then we went over to the ship around 11. I got confused coming out of the parking structure and misdirected Brody. We got lost for a while until his GPS got us back on track. Finally we made it to the boat. We went up to the top deck where the party was . . . and waited at least 30 minutes to get drinks. It was insane! It wasn't even the only bar either! They didn't have enough bartenders, and what bartenders they did have were horribly inefficient. While in line I glanced over and saw a pretty cute guy also waiting.
After we FINALLY got our drinks, Brody and I went to find the rest of our group. We stood by the rail to start drinking. I needed to finish one of the cups in my hand so I could text Howie and locate him (he's tall, so I was hoping I could pick him out of the crowd, but no such luck.) To my right was the cute guy from the drink line. Feeling brave, I decided to strike up a conversation, especially since we already had that interminable line experience in common. It ended up being a great idea. He was a visitor from out of town who had come to the party alone to give himself something to do. We chatted for a while, I introduced him to Brody, and then Howie came and found us. I invited the out-of-towner to join our group, and the six of us had our little dance circle for the rest of the night. The guy stood by me the whole time, and neither of us were shy about putting our hands on each other when we wanted to say something.
Howie, Adam and the quiet guy ended up staying for almost the whole night (I found out later that Howie didn't even bother to go to bed before going to work, what a trooper! Ha ha). Brody and I gave my new friend a ride back to his hotel and added him on Facebook so we could share the pictures that were taken. He said that he would let us know the next time he was in California.
This is where the night took a turn for the worse. To inform Brody of how I knew the quiet guy, I began to explain how he was the first guy I went on a date with after my break-up. No sooner had the words left my lips that Brody turned on me. He chewed me out for always talking about my break-up, and said that he was at his wit's end. He said he was "appalled" that I told him about the Ben Facebook situation at the social event on Friday, and then didn't listen to his advice when he gave it. He claimed his advice was ignored, going in one ear and out the other. He also said that my fixation on Ben was "abnormal." I experienced an emotion I have not felt in a LONG time, not even during my phone argument with Ben. I was so angry I was literally shaking. I told him that I had not ignored his advice, that I had listened to every word. However, I simply disagreed with his opinion that Ben was maliciously trying to make me jealous. I told him that I valued his opinion, but I was in no way obligated to take it as gospel. His response? He claimed that his advice was better than anyone else's, because he has a network of older gay friends that he consults. He claimed that the kind of behavior that Ben supposedly exhibited was par for the course for gay men. Talk about generalizing! I could not believe his pretentiousness. Echos of Ben's "reinventing the wheel" lecture came back to me. "Here's the thing, Cal, I know these things. I have the experience! Blah blah blah!" I also told him that many other people had complimented me on how I was handling the break up, and that I myself felt I was doing pretty fucking fine, thank you very much! That is the first time I can think of that I've EVER cussed during an argument with someone.
I realized that now was the time I needed to broach the subject, the elephant in the room. I asked Brody what the nature of his feelings were for me. He responded that he had indeed had feelings for me, but those feelings had been quelled by my incessant talking about my break-up. I realized that in my mind I had placed Brody in "the friend zone" and thus had felt comfortable talking with him about my situation. It hadn't occurred to me that he might not be the best person to talk about this with in depth.
I felt remorseful that I had hurt him, but at the same time I was still furious about his behavior. On top of all that, he accused me of ducking him the last week, as if we had some kind of standing appointment to hang out! Apparently since we had hung out 1-2 times a week before that, I was expected to continue, and he was hurt that he felt like a "back-up." At this point it was really hitting home for me that our expectations for our friendship are waaay out of whack.
By the time we reached my house we had both calmed down. I tried my best to explain my perspective. I also told him about how I feel that he tends to dominate conversations. He was shocked . . . apparently no one has told him that before. Although he did say that the other night he could tell I wanted to get off the phone but he wanted to keep talking, so he just kept coming up with more to say! I also told him that I absolutely despise being judged or condescended to. I told him if he ever uses that tone with me again I will be running the other way. At one point he started complimenting me, telling me how he had raved about me to his friends and family back home. He had me in tears at one point. I also told him that, since he first met me while I was in the midst of healing from my break-up, that of course he had a negative impression of Ben. What, would I have spent my time telling him about all the good times of our relationship? I realize now I shouldn't have talked about it as much as I did, but damn!
Well it was 4:30 by that point, and I had a hiking date with Nick the next day! So I hit the hay, and tried not to ruminate too much about Brody. He wanted to have dinner the next day, so I said okay . . . thinking it would be an opportunity to see how our "discussion" affected our friendship.
Sunday
Luckily, Nick also had a late night. In fact, he had an even later night than me! He had gone to a party and hadn't left until 6 AM (with some napping mixed in there). I drove to his place and we drove down to the beach to go walking. I like this guy! We have good rapport, he has a good sense of humor, and he's really cute. Plus he's smart and into science. We are also quite different though. He's from the Midwest, and he has a lot of stereotypically masculine hobbies like hunting, fishing, and camping. But he also likes movies and music (though his favorite genre is country, we have some overlap in rock). One thing that would normally be a red flag: I saw a pack of cigarettes in his car. But I don't know, I didn't smell it on him or in his car, so it might just be an occasional thing or he might be trying to quit. I'll reserve judgment there. In any case, we had a fun walk and then went and got food at a place that I knew from a previous date. While sitting across from him I noticed that his eyes are a really beautiful shade of blue, so I complimented him on it. A first for me on a date, haha.
After lunch we drove back to his place and talked in the car for a while. I said we should hang out again soon, and he said he'd like that. No text from him immediately after like on the first date, but that's more of a first date thing, really. Down side is I'm not sure whether he's still interested or if I did/said anything to throw up red flags for him. I did tell him that I just came out over the last year, and that I've had one relationship of eight months (but didn't tell him when it ended). He's been out since seventeen. He actually said that politically he leans to the right, but I assume that's more on the fiscal side of things. I consider myself moderate so that's no deal breaker by any means, as long as he's not a tea partier, haha.
My current plan is to hang out with him again. I plan to go up to LA this weekend though and have plans every night during the latter half of the week, so it will have to wait until next week. I've kind of been slacking on setting up other dates, so he's really my only prospect right now (well except for the far-away guy that texts me periodically . . . he's very interested but I can't say I feel the same, especially now that I remember what it's supposed to feel like when you're interested, haha).
The last event of Sunday: dinner with Brody. I can't say I was feeling very enthusiastic. Our conversation was pleasant, and did feel a bit more reciprocal. I'm not sure if it was a conscious effort on his part or not. Then after dinner he asked what night during the week I might have free. I told him I didn't know, I'd have to check my calendar. Inside I'm thinking really Brody? We just saw each other Friday, Saturday and Sunday. And you acted like an ass to me Saturday night.
I have two options to move forward with Brody.
1) Have a talk with him like I did with my friend Tom way back when. Explain to him that the friendship dynamic is feeling lopsided and I need him to tone it down. I'll ask for a bit of a break from hanging out, and when we resume make it more like once a week, tops. Tom was very understanding when I had such a talk with him, but Brody has the added complication of being gay and likely having some lingering feelings for me. He's at least using me to fill some of his emotional needs. What he really needs are more friends. Or a boyfriend.
2) I can do something I haven't had to do since middle school . . . cut off the friendship. This could get ugly, and would definitely hurt him. But if the friendship is an emotional drain at best, and makes me angry/sad at worst, I've got to do something.
I think Option 1 is feasible. I do like Brody. He's a nice guy, if a bit odd. If I can get him to accept giving me a bit more space, we could perhaps make this work. I'm not sure.
Phew! If you've read this far I congratulate you! And I have even more to talk about, but I'll save it for another time. Good night!
Friday night
I attended an LGBT group that my friend Adam invited me to. Adam is the boyfriend of Howie, who I met back in January. It was fun. I met a bunch of nice people. All of the cute guys were taken though :-) One of the leaders of the group was a really friendly guy who seems very interested to hear my coming out story (I mentioned to him that I just came out over the last year). I invited Brody to go to the group as well, and I think he also enjoyed himself. Everyone was asking us if we were a couple. After dinner the group went bowling. Brody and I tagged along but didn't bowl. At one point I was chatting with someone and got into a conversation about my break-up. Realizing I hadn't shared the latest with Brody, I told him about the whole Facebook relationship status thing with Ben, and how I only checked his profile because he had "liked" things on my page. Brody was convinced that Ben had done it on purpose to lure me to his page, but I disagreed. Ben is mixed-up and anxiety-prone, but he's not malicious.
This wasn't the only disagreement with Brody that night. He was also annoyed at me for seemingly ducking him for the past week. He had texted me earlier in the week to have dinner one night. I had already made plans for almost every night (which doesn't happen that often), so I said possibly Thursday before I met up with another friend for drinks. When Thursday came and that friend had to cancel, I let Brody know that I had more time now. He didn't get back to me until late, so we ended up talking for an hour on the phone instead. Well, mostly he talked and I listened. A lot of the conversation was about a medical condition of his, and I understand it has him worried and he needed to talk it out with someone, so I listened. But by the end of the hour I was getting antsy to get off the phone (I'm really only a fan of lengthy phone conversations if it's someone I haven't talked to in a while or a significant other). I finally had to excuse myself when I detected a pause.
Saturday night
I attended a dance party in Long Beach, on the Queen Mary (an old cruise ship that is now permanently docked and acts as a hotel, museum and event venue). The party was in honor of Long Beach Pride, and I found out about it a month or so ago through Groupon. I thought it would be a fun way to have a good time with some of my new gay friends. I drove up with Brody. Howie and Adam drove separately, since Howie had to work early the next morning. Also joining us was the quiet guy I went out with back in February, as mentioned here. Turns out he already knows Howie. The night started out well. We met at the Pike (good old Pike . . . place where I met you-know-who . . . but the more I go there and form new memories the more the spell is broken) and had dinner. Then we went over to the ship around 11. I got confused coming out of the parking structure and misdirected Brody. We got lost for a while until his GPS got us back on track. Finally we made it to the boat. We went up to the top deck where the party was . . . and waited at least 30 minutes to get drinks. It was insane! It wasn't even the only bar either! They didn't have enough bartenders, and what bartenders they did have were horribly inefficient. While in line I glanced over and saw a pretty cute guy also waiting.
After we FINALLY got our drinks, Brody and I went to find the rest of our group. We stood by the rail to start drinking. I needed to finish one of the cups in my hand so I could text Howie and locate him (he's tall, so I was hoping I could pick him out of the crowd, but no such luck.) To my right was the cute guy from the drink line. Feeling brave, I decided to strike up a conversation, especially since we already had that interminable line experience in common. It ended up being a great idea. He was a visitor from out of town who had come to the party alone to give himself something to do. We chatted for a while, I introduced him to Brody, and then Howie came and found us. I invited the out-of-towner to join our group, and the six of us had our little dance circle for the rest of the night. The guy stood by me the whole time, and neither of us were shy about putting our hands on each other when we wanted to say something.
Howie, Adam and the quiet guy ended up staying for almost the whole night (I found out later that Howie didn't even bother to go to bed before going to work, what a trooper! Ha ha). Brody and I gave my new friend a ride back to his hotel and added him on Facebook so we could share the pictures that were taken. He said that he would let us know the next time he was in California.
This is where the night took a turn for the worse. To inform Brody of how I knew the quiet guy, I began to explain how he was the first guy I went on a date with after my break-up. No sooner had the words left my lips that Brody turned on me. He chewed me out for always talking about my break-up, and said that he was at his wit's end. He said he was "appalled" that I told him about the Ben Facebook situation at the social event on Friday, and then didn't listen to his advice when he gave it. He claimed his advice was ignored, going in one ear and out the other. He also said that my fixation on Ben was "abnormal." I experienced an emotion I have not felt in a LONG time, not even during my phone argument with Ben. I was so angry I was literally shaking. I told him that I had not ignored his advice, that I had listened to every word. However, I simply disagreed with his opinion that Ben was maliciously trying to make me jealous. I told him that I valued his opinion, but I was in no way obligated to take it as gospel. His response? He claimed that his advice was better than anyone else's, because he has a network of older gay friends that he consults. He claimed that the kind of behavior that Ben supposedly exhibited was par for the course for gay men. Talk about generalizing! I could not believe his pretentiousness. Echos of Ben's "reinventing the wheel" lecture came back to me. "Here's the thing, Cal, I know these things. I have the experience! Blah blah blah!" I also told him that many other people had complimented me on how I was handling the break up, and that I myself felt I was doing pretty fucking fine, thank you very much! That is the first time I can think of that I've EVER cussed during an argument with someone.
I realized that now was the time I needed to broach the subject, the elephant in the room. I asked Brody what the nature of his feelings were for me. He responded that he had indeed had feelings for me, but those feelings had been quelled by my incessant talking about my break-up. I realized that in my mind I had placed Brody in "the friend zone" and thus had felt comfortable talking with him about my situation. It hadn't occurred to me that he might not be the best person to talk about this with in depth.
I felt remorseful that I had hurt him, but at the same time I was still furious about his behavior. On top of all that, he accused me of ducking him the last week, as if we had some kind of standing appointment to hang out! Apparently since we had hung out 1-2 times a week before that, I was expected to continue, and he was hurt that he felt like a "back-up." At this point it was really hitting home for me that our expectations for our friendship are waaay out of whack.
By the time we reached my house we had both calmed down. I tried my best to explain my perspective. I also told him about how I feel that he tends to dominate conversations. He was shocked . . . apparently no one has told him that before. Although he did say that the other night he could tell I wanted to get off the phone but he wanted to keep talking, so he just kept coming up with more to say! I also told him that I absolutely despise being judged or condescended to. I told him if he ever uses that tone with me again I will be running the other way. At one point he started complimenting me, telling me how he had raved about me to his friends and family back home. He had me in tears at one point. I also told him that, since he first met me while I was in the midst of healing from my break-up, that of course he had a negative impression of Ben. What, would I have spent my time telling him about all the good times of our relationship? I realize now I shouldn't have talked about it as much as I did, but damn!
Well it was 4:30 by that point, and I had a hiking date with Nick the next day! So I hit the hay, and tried not to ruminate too much about Brody. He wanted to have dinner the next day, so I said okay . . . thinking it would be an opportunity to see how our "discussion" affected our friendship.
Sunday
Luckily, Nick also had a late night. In fact, he had an even later night than me! He had gone to a party and hadn't left until 6 AM (with some napping mixed in there). I drove to his place and we drove down to the beach to go walking. I like this guy! We have good rapport, he has a good sense of humor, and he's really cute. Plus he's smart and into science. We are also quite different though. He's from the Midwest, and he has a lot of stereotypically masculine hobbies like hunting, fishing, and camping. But he also likes movies and music (though his favorite genre is country, we have some overlap in rock). One thing that would normally be a red flag: I saw a pack of cigarettes in his car. But I don't know, I didn't smell it on him or in his car, so it might just be an occasional thing or he might be trying to quit. I'll reserve judgment there. In any case, we had a fun walk and then went and got food at a place that I knew from a previous date. While sitting across from him I noticed that his eyes are a really beautiful shade of blue, so I complimented him on it. A first for me on a date, haha.
After lunch we drove back to his place and talked in the car for a while. I said we should hang out again soon, and he said he'd like that. No text from him immediately after like on the first date, but that's more of a first date thing, really. Down side is I'm not sure whether he's still interested or if I did/said anything to throw up red flags for him. I did tell him that I just came out over the last year, and that I've had one relationship of eight months (but didn't tell him when it ended). He's been out since seventeen. He actually said that politically he leans to the right, but I assume that's more on the fiscal side of things. I consider myself moderate so that's no deal breaker by any means, as long as he's not a tea partier, haha.
My current plan is to hang out with him again. I plan to go up to LA this weekend though and have plans every night during the latter half of the week, so it will have to wait until next week. I've kind of been slacking on setting up other dates, so he's really my only prospect right now (well except for the far-away guy that texts me periodically . . . he's very interested but I can't say I feel the same, especially now that I remember what it's supposed to feel like when you're interested, haha).
The last event of Sunday: dinner with Brody. I can't say I was feeling very enthusiastic. Our conversation was pleasant, and did feel a bit more reciprocal. I'm not sure if it was a conscious effort on his part or not. Then after dinner he asked what night during the week I might have free. I told him I didn't know, I'd have to check my calendar. Inside I'm thinking really Brody? We just saw each other Friday, Saturday and Sunday. And you acted like an ass to me Saturday night.
I have two options to move forward with Brody.
1) Have a talk with him like I did with my friend Tom way back when. Explain to him that the friendship dynamic is feeling lopsided and I need him to tone it down. I'll ask for a bit of a break from hanging out, and when we resume make it more like once a week, tops. Tom was very understanding when I had such a talk with him, but Brody has the added complication of being gay and likely having some lingering feelings for me. He's at least using me to fill some of his emotional needs. What he really needs are more friends. Or a boyfriend.
2) I can do something I haven't had to do since middle school . . . cut off the friendship. This could get ugly, and would definitely hurt him. But if the friendship is an emotional drain at best, and makes me angry/sad at worst, I've got to do something.
I think Option 1 is feasible. I do like Brody. He's a nice guy, if a bit odd. If I can get him to accept giving me a bit more space, we could perhaps make this work. I'm not sure.
Phew! If you've read this far I congratulate you! And I have even more to talk about, but I'll save it for another time. Good night!
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Good times with good friends
I had a great weekend. But first, flashback to last weekend. I had started an entry after Sunday night but never published it . . . here's the gist . . .
I hung out with my friends the gay couple last Sunday night. I'm going to have to assign them names . . . oh boy. How about Howie and Adam. We went out for pizza and beer and talked. They were telling me about a young LGBT professionals group that they go to meetings for. I might have to check that out sometime. After dinner we went back and watched movies. But not just any movies . . . Howie is a self-professed connoisseur of horrible movies. So we watched "Blubberella," a movie by the ludicrous German director, Uwe Boll. It is probably the most tasteless, pointless, poorly acted, cobbled-together mess of a movie I have ever seen . . . and yet it is strangely hilarious at times. After doing a little reading I learned that the movie is a parody of Boll's own "Bloodrayne 3." A scene-for-scene parody. Starring many of the same actors. Filmed on the same sets. At the same time. Words cannot express how . . . nope, I've got nothing.
The rest of the unpublished entry was a bunch of blah about how I was feeling at the time, but I'm not feeling that way anymore so let's move on, shall we?
This weekend was all sorts of fun. Friday night I went out with a new guy. This one I'm on the fence about. He lives quite far away. About an hour without traffic (and there's always traffic in his direction). He's quite nerdy, which I don't really find attractive . . . I hate to say that since I'm not the most unnerdy guy in the world, but it is what it is. We did have quite a bit in common though. Came out and started dating about the same time. Were both in Madrid around the same time in 2010 (crazy, haha). He's from the same small desert town that my grandma used to live in. And we're both addicted to the TV show Supernatural. At the very least he has some friend potential. But my rule of thumb is, if the conversation is good and a guy seems like a good person, then I will give them at least 2 dates. I've only turned down a second date from one guy thus far, and that's because the conversation was just too awkward between us.
Saturday I met up with Alex, a guy of Italian heritage that I had met up with once previously. He's really cool. We went kayaking, which was a lot of fun. As usual with kayaking, I couldn't quite keep up (I need to work on my endurance). So I was definitely tired by the end of it! And super sore today. We ate at a delicious Mediterranean food place that is Alex's favorite restaurant. I'm not sure what Alex's feelings toward me are. I get the feeling I am squarely in the friend zone, which is okay. He's a nice guy and I'd like to hang out with him periodically. After that I hung out with my friend Tom. He has matured so much over the time that I have known him. While he still lives in a world of his own in a lot of ways, he is so much more pleasant to be around now that he has mellowed out significantly. I can honestly say I enjoy his company now that the dynamic of our friendship is a lot more balanced than it once was.
Today I hung out with Brody. He really impressed me today. We had lunch and then went to the beach. I brought along my guitar and played a bunch of songs for him (a bunch of the songs I have committed to memory, such as various tunes by Collective Soul, Pearl Jam, Oasis, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Stone Temple Pilots, and the Doobie Brothers). We hung out and talked and he then drove us back to his place. Before I left we talked some more and got into talking about gay dating. Brody really sounds like he's gotten quite jaded with guys in the LA and Orange County scene. He feels that both places are filled with superficial guys who care more about image and money than depth of relationships. He says that since moving to California he has been treated very cruelly by several people and has even considered moving back to the east coast. He views our new friendship as a breath of fresh air, as apparently I am one of the few genuinely nice, open-minded, and caring guys that he has met around here. That really melted my heart, haha. We also got into the subject of anxiety among gay men, which led me to vent a little about Ben and also question Brody a bit more about his OCDish episode. Turns out since we had the conversation about it last weekend he has definitely changed his mind about it. He realizes he was out of line and was even quite worried that he had messed up our friendship. I'll admit, if I wasn't such an open-minded and patient person I may have just run the other way after that. But I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. Brody apologized for his behavior and promised to never do something like that again. I told him not to worry about it, all was forgiven. Now, I'm still not looking for anymore than friendship from Brody at this point. I do worry that he would be a tad too emotionally needy. But I'm enjoying getting to know him as a friend, and I'm glad to be a ray of sunshine in his thus-far rather gloomy perception of Southern California :-)
As for Ben, well the healing still continues. I actually cried a bit today for the first time in a while. First when I was thinking of him and how I wanted him back in my life someday (when I'm emotionally ready, I realize that may be a while). Then when I heard the song "Here Without You" by 3 Doors Down. That song is also one I played for Brody on the beach, so that'll be the song of the day.
I hung out with my friends the gay couple last Sunday night. I'm going to have to assign them names . . . oh boy. How about Howie and Adam. We went out for pizza and beer and talked. They were telling me about a young LGBT professionals group that they go to meetings for. I might have to check that out sometime. After dinner we went back and watched movies. But not just any movies . . . Howie is a self-professed connoisseur of horrible movies. So we watched "Blubberella," a movie by the ludicrous German director, Uwe Boll. It is probably the most tasteless, pointless, poorly acted, cobbled-together mess of a movie I have ever seen . . . and yet it is strangely hilarious at times. After doing a little reading I learned that the movie is a parody of Boll's own "Bloodrayne 3." A scene-for-scene parody. Starring many of the same actors. Filmed on the same sets. At the same time. Words cannot express how . . . nope, I've got nothing.
The rest of the unpublished entry was a bunch of blah about how I was feeling at the time, but I'm not feeling that way anymore so let's move on, shall we?
This weekend was all sorts of fun. Friday night I went out with a new guy. This one I'm on the fence about. He lives quite far away. About an hour without traffic (and there's always traffic in his direction). He's quite nerdy, which I don't really find attractive . . . I hate to say that since I'm not the most unnerdy guy in the world, but it is what it is. We did have quite a bit in common though. Came out and started dating about the same time. Were both in Madrid around the same time in 2010 (crazy, haha). He's from the same small desert town that my grandma used to live in. And we're both addicted to the TV show Supernatural. At the very least he has some friend potential. But my rule of thumb is, if the conversation is good and a guy seems like a good person, then I will give them at least 2 dates. I've only turned down a second date from one guy thus far, and that's because the conversation was just too awkward between us.
Saturday I met up with Alex, a guy of Italian heritage that I had met up with once previously. He's really cool. We went kayaking, which was a lot of fun. As usual with kayaking, I couldn't quite keep up (I need to work on my endurance). So I was definitely tired by the end of it! And super sore today. We ate at a delicious Mediterranean food place that is Alex's favorite restaurant. I'm not sure what Alex's feelings toward me are. I get the feeling I am squarely in the friend zone, which is okay. He's a nice guy and I'd like to hang out with him periodically. After that I hung out with my friend Tom. He has matured so much over the time that I have known him. While he still lives in a world of his own in a lot of ways, he is so much more pleasant to be around now that he has mellowed out significantly. I can honestly say I enjoy his company now that the dynamic of our friendship is a lot more balanced than it once was.
Today I hung out with Brody. He really impressed me today. We had lunch and then went to the beach. I brought along my guitar and played a bunch of songs for him (a bunch of the songs I have committed to memory, such as various tunes by Collective Soul, Pearl Jam, Oasis, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Stone Temple Pilots, and the Doobie Brothers). We hung out and talked and he then drove us back to his place. Before I left we talked some more and got into talking about gay dating. Brody really sounds like he's gotten quite jaded with guys in the LA and Orange County scene. He feels that both places are filled with superficial guys who care more about image and money than depth of relationships. He says that since moving to California he has been treated very cruelly by several people and has even considered moving back to the east coast. He views our new friendship as a breath of fresh air, as apparently I am one of the few genuinely nice, open-minded, and caring guys that he has met around here. That really melted my heart, haha. We also got into the subject of anxiety among gay men, which led me to vent a little about Ben and also question Brody a bit more about his OCDish episode. Turns out since we had the conversation about it last weekend he has definitely changed his mind about it. He realizes he was out of line and was even quite worried that he had messed up our friendship. I'll admit, if I wasn't such an open-minded and patient person I may have just run the other way after that. But I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. Brody apologized for his behavior and promised to never do something like that again. I told him not to worry about it, all was forgiven. Now, I'm still not looking for anymore than friendship from Brody at this point. I do worry that he would be a tad too emotionally needy. But I'm enjoying getting to know him as a friend, and I'm glad to be a ray of sunshine in his thus-far rather gloomy perception of Southern California :-)
As for Ben, well the healing still continues. I actually cried a bit today for the first time in a while. First when I was thinking of him and how I wanted him back in my life someday (when I'm emotionally ready, I realize that may be a while). Then when I heard the song "Here Without You" by 3 Doors Down. That song is also one I played for Brody on the beach, so that'll be the song of the day.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Latest dating exploits
It's been an interesting weekend so far.
Friday night I met up with a guy that I've been corresponding with for quite some time. We ate at a really good Italian restaurant and had a good conversation. He's really nice and fun. A little bit on the fem side, but he's quite good looking and we have some things in common. I look forward to seeing him again. He lives pretty close and actually grew up in the area. The most interesting revelation: his best friend is the sister of one of the guys who bullied me in high school. So if I were to date this guy, chances are I'd eventually see that jerk again, haha.
After the date I was getting ready for bed when I got a text from Brody. He was going out dancing at a bar where a guy he knows was DJing, and wanted me to go with him. By then it was already 11 PM and I'm not usually one for such spontaneity, but I decided to go. It was pretty fun. However, Brody threw up some red flags by the end of the night. Through his interactions with some of the people at the bar it became apparent to me that he can be a bit oblivious to social cues, such as when someone is not in the mood to talk. This was further confirmed after we left the bar, when we were talking in his car. By then it was very late, going on 3 in the morning. I was very tired, and dropped a couple hints about wanting to head home. Despite this, Brody still continued to talk.
When we got back to my place finally, it was approaching 4. I am not a late night owl. I get stressed out when I'm up that late. Brody asked if he could use my bathroom before going home, and I said sure. What's the harm? Just a quick in and out. He came in and went in the bathroom. Ten minutes later he was still in there. I listened through the door and heard the water running. At this point I was getting very anxious. What was going on in there? Was he sick? Finally I knocked on the door, and Brody said I could come in. I opened the door . . . and Brody was cleaning the sink and the counter top. I asked him if he had been sick. He said no, he was just a little OCD and decided to clean since the sink and counter were quite dirty. This is at 4 in the morning, mind you. Here I am, waiting to go to bed until Brody has left, and he takes it upon himself to clean the bathroom. I was quite flabbergasted. I told him I was waiting to use the bathroom. He said I could go ahead and use it, he promised not to look. I brought in some paper towels since he had been using toilet paper. After he had used them a bit he asked for me to put them away or else he would continue cleaning. Oh my God, I thought to myself. He wasn't kidding about the OCD thing. I told him he really didn't have to do this, that it was very late. He responded that a "thank you" would have been nice. I told him I appreciated him doing what he did, but it was very late and I needed to go to bed. Finally, he took off.
We had previously made plans to meet up on Saturday, so we did. I took this opportunity to express my discomfort with his behavior the night before. He explained to me that doing "random acts of kindness" is his thing. I told him that even with kind acts there is an appropriate time and place, and I felt that he had crossed the line by keeping me up at 4 in the morning to clean the bathroom without telling me what he was doing. He seemed to think I was making a mountain out of a molehill, but I told him that it had bothered me and I felt I needed to be up front about this. I think I will have to approach friendship with Brody much like I have with my friend Tom. With patience and caution.
Other than that, our conversation was good. He definitely relates to my more companionship-centered view of relationships. He even described himself as asexual at one point. How perfect that would be if it weren't for his other idiosyncrasies. At this point I will (cautiously) pursue friendship with him, but I don't really think he's what I'm looking for romantically. He's just too much on a different wavelength.
Last night the guy I met up with a few weekends ago in LA came down to my neck of the woods to have dinner with me. He's a nice guy, but I don't think the attraction is there for me. I do think he likes me though. Of course. Reciprocity is so hard to find.
The guy I went out with last week (the one who owns his own business) has placed me in the Friend Zone. I texted him to see if he wanted to meet up again sometime. He said that would be great, but he sees us more as friends. That's fine, I'm just glad he didn't use the words "chemistry" or "spark."
So bottom line, I've been keeping busy meeting guys. I'm still confused though. I've definitely learned a lot about myself. I'm still frustrated by how hard it is to find mutual interest. Guys that like me I'm not into, and guys I like aren't into me. I guess that's pretty common. I still occasionally wonder what it would be like to give girls a try. I still wonder whether I would find "chemistry" more often if I was more sexually driven. I wonder whether I shouldn't just focus on career and give up on being proactive in trying to find a relationship. I wonder whether I get too invested in relationships and should just focus on myself. I wonder why sexuality has to be so freaking complicated. I wonder what it was about Ben that made me fall for him so much, and why I can't find that again. After all, he was the SECOND guy I ever went out with. Now I've gone out with more than 20 and he's STILL the only one that had that effect on me. WTF?
Friday night I met up with a guy that I've been corresponding with for quite some time. We ate at a really good Italian restaurant and had a good conversation. He's really nice and fun. A little bit on the fem side, but he's quite good looking and we have some things in common. I look forward to seeing him again. He lives pretty close and actually grew up in the area. The most interesting revelation: his best friend is the sister of one of the guys who bullied me in high school. So if I were to date this guy, chances are I'd eventually see that jerk again, haha.
After the date I was getting ready for bed when I got a text from Brody. He was going out dancing at a bar where a guy he knows was DJing, and wanted me to go with him. By then it was already 11 PM and I'm not usually one for such spontaneity, but I decided to go. It was pretty fun. However, Brody threw up some red flags by the end of the night. Through his interactions with some of the people at the bar it became apparent to me that he can be a bit oblivious to social cues, such as when someone is not in the mood to talk. This was further confirmed after we left the bar, when we were talking in his car. By then it was very late, going on 3 in the morning. I was very tired, and dropped a couple hints about wanting to head home. Despite this, Brody still continued to talk.
When we got back to my place finally, it was approaching 4. I am not a late night owl. I get stressed out when I'm up that late. Brody asked if he could use my bathroom before going home, and I said sure. What's the harm? Just a quick in and out. He came in and went in the bathroom. Ten minutes later he was still in there. I listened through the door and heard the water running. At this point I was getting very anxious. What was going on in there? Was he sick? Finally I knocked on the door, and Brody said I could come in. I opened the door . . . and Brody was cleaning the sink and the counter top. I asked him if he had been sick. He said no, he was just a little OCD and decided to clean since the sink and counter were quite dirty. This is at 4 in the morning, mind you. Here I am, waiting to go to bed until Brody has left, and he takes it upon himself to clean the bathroom. I was quite flabbergasted. I told him I was waiting to use the bathroom. He said I could go ahead and use it, he promised not to look. I brought in some paper towels since he had been using toilet paper. After he had used them a bit he asked for me to put them away or else he would continue cleaning. Oh my God, I thought to myself. He wasn't kidding about the OCD thing. I told him he really didn't have to do this, that it was very late. He responded that a "thank you" would have been nice. I told him I appreciated him doing what he did, but it was very late and I needed to go to bed. Finally, he took off.
We had previously made plans to meet up on Saturday, so we did. I took this opportunity to express my discomfort with his behavior the night before. He explained to me that doing "random acts of kindness" is his thing. I told him that even with kind acts there is an appropriate time and place, and I felt that he had crossed the line by keeping me up at 4 in the morning to clean the bathroom without telling me what he was doing. He seemed to think I was making a mountain out of a molehill, but I told him that it had bothered me and I felt I needed to be up front about this. I think I will have to approach friendship with Brody much like I have with my friend Tom. With patience and caution.
Other than that, our conversation was good. He definitely relates to my more companionship-centered view of relationships. He even described himself as asexual at one point. How perfect that would be if it weren't for his other idiosyncrasies. At this point I will (cautiously) pursue friendship with him, but I don't really think he's what I'm looking for romantically. He's just too much on a different wavelength.
Last night the guy I met up with a few weekends ago in LA came down to my neck of the woods to have dinner with me. He's a nice guy, but I don't think the attraction is there for me. I do think he likes me though. Of course. Reciprocity is so hard to find.
The guy I went out with last week (the one who owns his own business) has placed me in the Friend Zone. I texted him to see if he wanted to meet up again sometime. He said that would be great, but he sees us more as friends. That's fine, I'm just glad he didn't use the words "chemistry" or "spark."
So bottom line, I've been keeping busy meeting guys. I'm still confused though. I've definitely learned a lot about myself. I'm still frustrated by how hard it is to find mutual interest. Guys that like me I'm not into, and guys I like aren't into me. I guess that's pretty common. I still occasionally wonder what it would be like to give girls a try. I still wonder whether I would find "chemistry" more often if I was more sexually driven. I wonder whether I shouldn't just focus on career and give up on being proactive in trying to find a relationship. I wonder whether I get too invested in relationships and should just focus on myself. I wonder why sexuality has to be so freaking complicated. I wonder what it was about Ben that made me fall for him so much, and why I can't find that again. After all, he was the SECOND guy I ever went out with. Now I've gone out with more than 20 and he's STILL the only one that had that effect on me. WTF?
Monday, April 8, 2013
Filling the weekends
Hi y'all,
It's been my goal to keep the weekends as full as possible (as you could probably tell since the last two entries were weekend-centric, haha). So far I've been quite successful.
This past weekend started in my neck of the woods and then moved to LA for various fun times. First on Friday, I met up with a new guy. He runs his own business in the area. Very cute (one of the cutest I've met), and good conversation (not to mention the restaurant he picked was excellent!). I'm not sure what he thought of me, so I'll probably text him again midweek to check in. Afterward I caught up virtually with my cousin Gavin. He is the oldest of the three brothers (the other two being Roger and Brad, gosh it's getting hard to keep these fake names straight . . . I"m going to have to create a guide, haha). We played some online video games and chatted. He lives on the East Coast and was the cousin I was closest to growing up. Now that he's so far away I've actually become closer to the other two, but I still enjoy keeping in touch with him. He's been the initiator in a breakup before so he's had an interesting perspective to hear over the past couple months.
On Saturday I met up with Brody for the second time. He's the one who was the big talker when I first met him. I feel like we had a more balanced conversation this time. He's an interesting guy. Super nice and genuine. I can also tell that he values relationships like I do, from some of the stories and perspectives he shared with me. We also discovered a really cool restaurant that I'd like to go back to sometime. As usual I ended up hanging out with him a lot longer than I expected. At the end we talked about some future activities we could plan. He's also huge into music, so he wants me to bring my guitar down to the beach sometime. Sounds like a fun time to me! He was also telling me about how cool San Diego is, particularly the "gay area" of Hillcrest. I suggested we take a day trip down there some time so he could show me around. He was excited by the idea.
Immediately after we parted ways I jumped in my car to make it up to LA and meet my friends Nina and Walter at a show in North Hollywood. It was at a small independent theater that I'd been to before (with Ben, ugh . . . we really got around). The show was bizarre. It was a horror-themed show. Imagine if you could peer into someone's nightmares with a remote control in hand to change the channels. That's what it was like. Interesting, disturbing . . . not sure I'd see it again but it was a good experience. Would be excellent on Halloween. Afterward we went to a bar to hang out. The girls in the group were at a gay bar, but being among a bunch of straight guys the majority opinion was to go to a nearby Tiki Bar instead. The girls eventually joined us. Nina had been scoping out the crowd for me of course, haha. I spent the time chatting with a friend of a friend who was extremely hot. Straight of course, but a really cool guy. The night ended at the apartment of one of the guys in the group. Nina took this opportunity to have me try on some shirts that she'd brought for me (it is her mission to hot me up, haha). So I put on a little fashion show for her, her friend, and her boyfriend. Oh man, did those girls like the shirts. They were both quite tipsy, and they could barely keep their hands off of me. They definitely boosted my self esteem (and added evidence to my lack of attraction for girls, lol)!
I spent the night at Roger's place in LA. My friend Walter did too, because unfortunately his car got towed. I had to get up early to take him to pick it up (also there were guys who came to Roger's to remodel the bathroom) so I only got four hours of sleep. After I had breakfast with Walter I returned to Roger's and spent time with him. I helped him deal with a complicated roommate situation (long story) and then we went to the gym. We had a great workout. Roger has a pretty great physique, he works out religiously and has a strict diet. He's interested in modeling, though he doesn't have much experience and doesn't quite have the looks for it (not that he's ugly, just doesn't really have the "pretty boy" thing going on). It was nice having a workout buddy again. I only do bench press with the barbells if I have a spotter. While at the gym we saw a guy who Roger was convinced was the fitness model Greg Plitt. I'm not quite convinced, but he was incredibly buff whoever he was.
Finally, we got together with Lance to have dinner and see a movie. I wanted to see the Oz movie, but once again my gay preferences got overruled, haha. We saw "Olympus Has Fallen," which my mom had recommended to me. It was alright, just rather unoriginal. It was basically "Die Hard" set in the White House.
Today my sleep deprivation caught up to me. I had to go into work early so I was quite tired, and then ended up leaving early due to some weird indigestion. I rarely have stomach issues these days, so it caught me off-guard (I blame that damn breakfast sandwich from the snack cart!) I came home around 2, fell asleep and didn't wake up until after 6. After dinner I chatted with a new guy on the phone for an hour. Really nice dude. We have similar interests, he has a great sense of humor, and he lives close by. We might try to meet up Friday.
So, to summarize where I'm at . . . I'm keeping busy, making a lot of new friends and acquaintances, going on dates. I've met up with about 20 guys now since I first entered the dating scene early 2012. As for potential relationships . . . well, it's too soon to tell. I'm not in a hurry to start another one. Brody is really cool. I don't feel quite as into him at this stage as I did with Ben, but I don't want to make that experience the rule. I am open to seeing where things go. At the very least I see him as being good friend material. Other than him there's the new guy I spoke to today and the one I met on Friday night. Both are cute, nice, and good conversationalists. Then a couple others that are farther away . . . the guy from LA a few weekends ago and various others who I haven't met up with yet. I'd definitely prefer to date someone closer this time around. As cool as it was to explore LA so much in my first relationship, it limited the amount of time we could spend together (and made for a lot of drive time and gas money).
This weekend I plan to visit a gay couple that I've become friends with over the last couple months. That should be cool. I also have some friends visiting from the bay area, so a bunch of us might get together with them.
The day I really need to plan something for is Cinco de Mayo. Janice and I are going to go to a conference on May 4th, but I really want to keep myself SUPER busy on the 5th. Last year the 5th was one of the best days of my life and I want this year to give it a run for its money. Obviously it likely won't compete as far as life importance, but as far as amount of fun I think it's worth a shot. As for Operation: Friend Zone, that will have to wait until after the 5th. I don't want to deal with that until our would-have-been 1 year anniversary is past.
It's been my goal to keep the weekends as full as possible (as you could probably tell since the last two entries were weekend-centric, haha). So far I've been quite successful.
This past weekend started in my neck of the woods and then moved to LA for various fun times. First on Friday, I met up with a new guy. He runs his own business in the area. Very cute (one of the cutest I've met), and good conversation (not to mention the restaurant he picked was excellent!). I'm not sure what he thought of me, so I'll probably text him again midweek to check in. Afterward I caught up virtually with my cousin Gavin. He is the oldest of the three brothers (the other two being Roger and Brad, gosh it's getting hard to keep these fake names straight . . . I"m going to have to create a guide, haha). We played some online video games and chatted. He lives on the East Coast and was the cousin I was closest to growing up. Now that he's so far away I've actually become closer to the other two, but I still enjoy keeping in touch with him. He's been the initiator in a breakup before so he's had an interesting perspective to hear over the past couple months.
On Saturday I met up with Brody for the second time. He's the one who was the big talker when I first met him. I feel like we had a more balanced conversation this time. He's an interesting guy. Super nice and genuine. I can also tell that he values relationships like I do, from some of the stories and perspectives he shared with me. We also discovered a really cool restaurant that I'd like to go back to sometime. As usual I ended up hanging out with him a lot longer than I expected. At the end we talked about some future activities we could plan. He's also huge into music, so he wants me to bring my guitar down to the beach sometime. Sounds like a fun time to me! He was also telling me about how cool San Diego is, particularly the "gay area" of Hillcrest. I suggested we take a day trip down there some time so he could show me around. He was excited by the idea.
Immediately after we parted ways I jumped in my car to make it up to LA and meet my friends Nina and Walter at a show in North Hollywood. It was at a small independent theater that I'd been to before (with Ben, ugh . . . we really got around). The show was bizarre. It was a horror-themed show. Imagine if you could peer into someone's nightmares with a remote control in hand to change the channels. That's what it was like. Interesting, disturbing . . . not sure I'd see it again but it was a good experience. Would be excellent on Halloween. Afterward we went to a bar to hang out. The girls in the group were at a gay bar, but being among a bunch of straight guys the majority opinion was to go to a nearby Tiki Bar instead. The girls eventually joined us. Nina had been scoping out the crowd for me of course, haha. I spent the time chatting with a friend of a friend who was extremely hot. Straight of course, but a really cool guy. The night ended at the apartment of one of the guys in the group. Nina took this opportunity to have me try on some shirts that she'd brought for me (it is her mission to hot me up, haha). So I put on a little fashion show for her, her friend, and her boyfriend. Oh man, did those girls like the shirts. They were both quite tipsy, and they could barely keep their hands off of me. They definitely boosted my self esteem (and added evidence to my lack of attraction for girls, lol)!
I spent the night at Roger's place in LA. My friend Walter did too, because unfortunately his car got towed. I had to get up early to take him to pick it up (also there were guys who came to Roger's to remodel the bathroom) so I only got four hours of sleep. After I had breakfast with Walter I returned to Roger's and spent time with him. I helped him deal with a complicated roommate situation (long story) and then we went to the gym. We had a great workout. Roger has a pretty great physique, he works out religiously and has a strict diet. He's interested in modeling, though he doesn't have much experience and doesn't quite have the looks for it (not that he's ugly, just doesn't really have the "pretty boy" thing going on). It was nice having a workout buddy again. I only do bench press with the barbells if I have a spotter. While at the gym we saw a guy who Roger was convinced was the fitness model Greg Plitt. I'm not quite convinced, but he was incredibly buff whoever he was.
Finally, we got together with Lance to have dinner and see a movie. I wanted to see the Oz movie, but once again my gay preferences got overruled, haha. We saw "Olympus Has Fallen," which my mom had recommended to me. It was alright, just rather unoriginal. It was basically "Die Hard" set in the White House.
Today my sleep deprivation caught up to me. I had to go into work early so I was quite tired, and then ended up leaving early due to some weird indigestion. I rarely have stomach issues these days, so it caught me off-guard (I blame that damn breakfast sandwich from the snack cart!) I came home around 2, fell asleep and didn't wake up until after 6. After dinner I chatted with a new guy on the phone for an hour. Really nice dude. We have similar interests, he has a great sense of humor, and he lives close by. We might try to meet up Friday.
So, to summarize where I'm at . . . I'm keeping busy, making a lot of new friends and acquaintances, going on dates. I've met up with about 20 guys now since I first entered the dating scene early 2012. As for potential relationships . . . well, it's too soon to tell. I'm not in a hurry to start another one. Brody is really cool. I don't feel quite as into him at this stage as I did with Ben, but I don't want to make that experience the rule. I am open to seeing where things go. At the very least I see him as being good friend material. Other than him there's the new guy I spoke to today and the one I met on Friday night. Both are cute, nice, and good conversationalists. Then a couple others that are farther away . . . the guy from LA a few weekends ago and various others who I haven't met up with yet. I'd definitely prefer to date someone closer this time around. As cool as it was to explore LA so much in my first relationship, it limited the amount of time we could spend together (and made for a lot of drive time and gas money).
This weekend I plan to visit a gay couple that I've become friends with over the last couple months. That should be cool. I also have some friends visiting from the bay area, so a bunch of us might get together with them.
The day I really need to plan something for is Cinco de Mayo. Janice and I are going to go to a conference on May 4th, but I really want to keep myself SUPER busy on the 5th. Last year the 5th was one of the best days of my life and I want this year to give it a run for its money. Obviously it likely won't compete as far as life importance, but as far as amount of fun I think it's worth a shot. As for Operation: Friend Zone, that will have to wait until after the 5th. I don't want to deal with that until our would-have-been 1 year anniversary is past.
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