Two and a half months later . . .
Pretty much just two relevant events have happened since I returned from my trip.
1) I almost went on a date with a girl who messaged me online but turned out to be a little crazy and cancelled on me.
2) I kissed a girl (while drunk).
The former made me feel like I dodged a bullet. I was so desperate to continue getting dating experience that I ignored all the warning signs. Luckily she saved me the trouble. The latter event is fuzzy (for obvious reasons). I was reluctant at first, since I always wanted my first kiss to be meaningful. Unfortunately, alcohol seems to have the ability to make the mind go "Screw it." I remember doing it more because she wanted to and not because there was any real chemistry. I kind of got the impression that making out is something this girl does for fun. I wouldn't be averse to trying it again with a different girl in more sober circumstances, perhaps with real feelings involved.
Anyways, I'm obviously not feeling as gung-ho about this blog as I did at first, since it's been so long since I updated. I'm realizing more and more that my issues are something that will be hard to resolve without more life experience. I've still been seeing the counselor, but less and less and I think I might be done for now. It's been helpful to talk to someone about these and other issues, but I think the value has dwindled. If there's one thing that the counselor has tried to drive into my skull it is that I get way ahead of myself when I think about relationships. I've been afraid to even pursue a relationship with a girl because of the chance that I might someday decide that I'd rather have a relationship with a guy, even though dating someone is a far cry from getting married to them. So hopefully sometime in the next year, or after I start grad school, I'll be able to get more experience dating. Then I'll be in a better position to analyze my feelings. And if at some point I decide that girls just aren't doing it for me, perhaps I'll change course.
One thing I need to stop doing is comparing myself to other people. That's what first set off this crisis in my mind. I didn't feel too sexually abnormal until I began living with guys who talk about girls and sex all the time. I read something interesting earlier, someone suggesting that there are as many sexual orientations as there are people, because everyone is unique. I like that idea.
As for my mom, we've barely discussed the issue since I first talked to her about it, which I find a bit disconcerting. She asks me occasionally whether I'm still seeing the counselor, but that's it. I'll have to address it again at some point, give her an update or something.
I've got mixed feelings about continuing this blog. I really don't want this issue to continue to dominate my thoughts at this time (though I'm sure it probably will). I've got loads of other things to think about, such as changing jobs, thinking about career paths, and applying to grad school. I'm not sure whether I'll continue to post very much, but maybe I will if something happens that is relevant and post-worthy. I'll continue to check this email address (socalrockfan "at" gmail.com) every once and a while so feel free to either comment here or email me there if you have any questions or pearls of wisdom.
Until a later date, thanks everyone for reading and your advice, and good luck on your journeys!
B
