The story in your eyes

Hi all,

Ben finally came back from his lengthy trip Monday. I anxiously awaited his arrival at my place Monday night, and when he finally got here it was so great to see him! We cuddled for a while in my room, then went out to get dinner. After that we went for a nighttime stroll through the area, taking some time to sit on a bench overlooking a small man-made lake. I also took another step by introducing him as my boyfriend to my roommate's friend who was over. Maybe I'll say the word louder next time, haha.

Before bed we spent some time getting intimate. Which went quite well. I'm definitely getting more comfortable with that. SOrRy for the lAck of detaiLs . . . this isn't that type of blog :-)

Over the weekend I came out to both my sisters, who live about an hour away. They were both great about it. One had actually taken notice of a picture that Ben's roommate posted on Facebook . . . it was of the two of us together during a hiking trip, Ben with his arm around my waist. YouTube guy had seen the picture and said it wasn't very subtle . . . "Your family's definitely talking," he had said. Well, he was right, it didn't go unnoticed, haha.  Whatever, now that it's out in the open I'm excited to include Ben in our get-togethers now.

I'm definitely feeling closer to Ben lately. I've even shared with him the creative writing project that I started back in 2008. It was a sci-fi/fantasy type story that I had begun writing based on an idea I'd had in my head for some time. It was just for fun, but it ended up getting rather long. I never finished it, but I came close. While he was on his trip I began sending Ben chapters over email. He sounds like he's really enjoying it! It's great to get that feedback, he's the very first person I've shared it with. Maybe he can help me figure out a suitable ending.

As far as doubts/ruminations/anxieties, I'm feeling pretty good right now. I had a bit of a spike the other day where my positive feelings about my MCAT score were undermined a bit and I started to worry about where I'd end up, but I think I have that more under control now. I'm trying to take things a step at a time.

I've brought up some of my worries with Ben. Basically, I'm considered about our long-term future, if we were to still be together a year from now and I were to only get into school far away. There's really no sense worrying about that at this point though.  No need to comment about this aspect of the entry, I know what I need to do and I really would just prefer to focus on the present right now.

Tonight was the first improv class since I came out last week. It was only mentioned once, in a somewhat joking manner by the teacher. Not too bad.

Now I'm just counting down to Friday when I get to see Ben again. We've been talking on the phone several times a day. Yep, one's just not enough anymore, haha.

I'm really liking this guy.

New skin

It's still a bit of a struggle to get comfortable in my skin with this whole gay thing. Over the last couple days I made a couple rather scary steps. First, I invited Ben to be my plus one at my 10-year high school reunion at the end of the month. I had been on the fence about whether I was ready to go with him. In the end I decided to take the plunge because a) I figured it would help with my comfort level, b) not many of the people who are going to be there are people I was that close to, so I think I'd have more fun if he's with me and c) it would be awkward to make him go do something else during that time, since he undoubtedly will be in town that weekend.

The second big step requires a bit of set-up.

I found out how I did on the MCAT yesterday. I got a 30, which is pretty much the minimum score that would be considered "competitive." Hopefully that, my high undergrad GPA, and my experiences in research since graduation will be a winning combo. Anyways, to reward myself I decided to sign up for another round of improv class. It's the same instructor as last time, and as before he is fond of going around the room and asking people about their lives, to get a sense of who they are. He often gets pretty personal, asking about dating and relationships. Last class I just kinda dodged my way through the questions, but I didn't want to be made to feel awkward this time around. Fortunately this time a guy who went before me was gay himself, and the instructor asked him a lot about his coming out process. That made me feel emboldened, since I wouldn't be the token gay guy in the class, so when it came to be my turn I spilled my guts. I talked about how taking the improv classes had improved my confidence and allowed me to start dating, and how the person I was dating was a guy. That led to a running joke where the next person was always asked "So, when did you come out?" It was cool, everyone was supportive. Only one person in the class was someone I already knew, and I think he was a bit surprised by the revelation. I also revealed to them that this was the very first time I had come out to a group . . . always before it had been in one-on-one settings.

I'm hoping that the more I come out the more I'll feel comfortable identifying as gay. Because I really don't know what other way this is going to go. I can't make myself feel any more gay, but I can't make myself be more attracted to girls either. I just wish sooo much that I had a stronger sex drive! Ben and I have done things a couple times, yes, and it was enjoyable, but I just don't experience the desire to have sex like other people do. It allows my ever-questioning mind to constantly cast doubt on my feelings, even when it seems the evidence is solid. Ben being out of town for so long doesn't help. I really want him to come back, because being with him is really the only thing that's going to make this feeling go away. Being with him takes me out of my head, out of my doubt, and allows me to enjoy the moment.

I spoke to YouTube guy a couple days ago. I feel like I can relate to him more than just about anyone, since he he's also an over-thinker and has experienced confusion about which way to go as well. However, he's currently in a pretty serious relationship with a guy he's been seeing for 3 months, and it sounds like he's pretty happy. He definitely sounds less conflicted than before. Maybe I'll try to follow his lead. He also mentioned the possibility of coming to CA with his BF at some point, which would be awesome. Double date anyone?

I just went and took down my Match.com profile (well, I made it invisible until the subscription runs out). I noticed that Ben still has his profile, with last activity two weeks ago. I hope he's not still looking! Haha, uh oh, careful there, can't become the jealous type.

With a little help from my friends

Hola everyone,

Thank you so much for the comments on yesterday's blog post. It was one of those entries that comes every once in a while where I really spill my guts about what's troubling me. It always takes a while to work myself up to writing one of those, but I'm always happy with the feedback I get.

I also had long conversations with two of my friends, Tom and Rick, yesterday. Both confided in me that they experienced doubts in their past relationships, that I am not alone about that. Rick and I also talked a lot about sex which is not a topic I was comfortable talking about with friends a couple years ago. In addition, I attended a party where I found myself checking out a couple guys the whole time, while Rick told me he was checking out girls the whole time. A little reassurance about the way I lean, haha.

Today my mind is a lot more at ease. I plan on Skyping with Ben later on today, which should be cool. You guys are right, he and I really gel well and he does make me happy. I will try my best to take things a step at a time and not get all boggled down in worrying about the long term.

The other side

Okay, this blog is supposed to tell the whole story and not just the happy parts. Now that I've found a great guy I find myself censoring myself again, just like before. I even thought about sharing the blog with him, but I think he would understand if I kept it to myself.

I sure have depicted things as unambiguously rosy thus far. It's true, I love spending time with Ben and I still can't believe I found such a great guy whom I have so much in common with. But lately I've been plagued with the ol' enemy: obsessive doubt. This is probably the most confident I've felt that I'm on the OCD spectrum.

It seems that my flavor of OCD is the "pure obsessional" variety, which does not included the usual "compulsions" that one usually thinks of (cleaning, straightening, checking, etc.) Instead, my compulsions are in my head and take the form of ruminating and mental checking. There seems to be two major themes, which I took here from http://www.ocdla.com/obsessionalOCD.html. However for the first one, replace "recurrent fears that one might be a homosexual" with "recurrent fears that one might be straight." Because apparently HOCD can affect gay people too.

• recurrent fears that one might be a homosexual, when in fact he or she is not (sometimes called "gay ocd" or "sexual orientation OCD" or "homosexual OCD" or "HOCD")
• repeatedly worrying that one does not actually love his/her partner, or is not with the "right" person (sometimes called "relationship OCD" or "ROCD")

 Basically, it seems that one of the hallmarks of someone with OCD is that they cannot stand uncertainty. It was the uncertainty of the future that caused my career crisis in 2010-2011, and it has been the uncertainty of my sexual orientation that led to this blog. Most people are able to shrug off life's many uncertainties. For people with OCD, it's much harder. All the evidence points to me being predominantly gay. I check out guys way more than girls. I've had crushes on dudes. I'm IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A GUY. And have done sexual things with him. And liked it (well, minus the performance anxiety part). I enjoy cuddling with him, holding him, laying in bed with him. But I still can't shake the doubts. 

The silver lining: when I'm with Ben, the doubts subside. I'm able to enjoy the moment. He has a calming effect on me. I even told him as much the other day. I told him I've been having some OCD issues lately, but I didn't specify the themes and suggested it was mostly due to anxiety about my upcoming test results (which is certainly a contributing factor).

I think part of what is feeding it is that Ben keeps telling me about how I'm such a remarkable person, how I'm amazing, how he's told all his family and friends about me and they can tell from his voice how much he likes me. I feel guilt because I really never definitively resolved my sexual orientation confusion. This online dating project was part of the process, and then I ended up meeting Ben. I'm just so worried about not being able to reciprocate the level of feeling, especially in the sexual realm. At the same time I also don't want to lose him. My life really has improved since he came into it.

Anyways, this is what I'm dealing with now. Ben's out of town for a week and a half so I will try to keep it together until he comes back. It sucks with him living so far that I can only really see him on weekends.

Home by the sea

Another weekend down, another phenomenal time with Ben. He came down on Friday night and we went out to a local gay bar that I had never been to. It was the first time I'd been to a gay bar with him, and it was awesome being able to hold him and kiss him in public without being self-conscious.

Friday night was a bit of sexy time, and this time I tried to have more patience with myself. It paid off, I had a very good experience this time :)

Saturday Lance and Janice joined us and we went to a food and music festival. Many good times were had. Later on Ben's roommate came too. We rocked out to live music that took us back to the 90's, and then afterward we all went to see the movie "Prometheus." It was pretty good. The atmosphere was excellent and Logan Marshall-Green is hot, but some of the characters did some pretty stupid things that took me out of the movie a little bit.

Lance spent the night on Saturday, and Sunday him, Ben and I went to breakfast at a place I'd heard about (Jake the Aussie actually recommended it to me recently). It was great. Afterwards Lance went back home and my day alone with Ben kicked off. We had decided that I would take Ben on a tour of the area I grew up in, which is pretty close to where I live now. I grew up fairly close to the beach, hence the connection to the blog entry title :-)

We started off by driving by my old middle school, then went to my childhood neighborhood. On a whim I decided to go up to my old house's front door to see if the current owners would let us take a peek inside. To my surprise, the house was completely empty. I decided to take Ben into the backyard, which was a great idea. We could look in the windows at most of the rooms of the house, and I recounted numerous childhood memories. Last time I stood in that backyard, being in a gay relationship someday would have been the furthest thing from my mind. Now I can say I've kissed my boyfriend in the backyard where I spent countless hours.

The next destination was my high school (we drove by my elementary school on the way). I parked and led Ben through the school grounds. The school has had a number of additions since I graduated 10 years ago. I didn't even recognize certain areas. There was an event going on inside the main building, so we were able to go in and look around. We walked by the library where I used to hang out during lunch with my friends and eventually found a door that led into a completely new wing of the school. Going through the door, we came out into a courtyard surrounded by two stories of classrooms. It was very neat! It's amazing how much the school has improved. Once we had looked around the new wing, we walked to the nearest door which would lead back to the parking lot. Chained. We walked over to another one. Chained. Another one. Same thing. "Guess we have to go back the way we came," I said. We returned to the door that we had come from. It had locked behind us! "Oh no," I said, "We're trapped in my old high school!" We began to look for a way out, our pace quickening as we laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation. Finally I located a gate that had a place where I could put my foot which would allow me to climb over it. We scaled the gate and made it down to the other side. We had successfully broken out of my old high school. Phew!

After our great escape I took Ben to the park where I had many memories growing up. We walked all around the perimeter of the park, enjoying a garden path that had been added in recent years at one point. Throughout our walk I unfortunately was very conscious of participating in PDA while people were around. Eventually we came upon a secluded area where there was a log where we could sit. We sat there in the shade for a while, kissing and holding each other. Eventually we continued on our way. After the park we went to the mall so Ben could buy clothes for a wedding he's going to at the end of the week. While he was shopping I caught up with a friend on the phone who just had a birthday. During the conversation I told him about Ben. He was very happy for me. After the mall, I took Ben to my favorite childhood frozen yogurt place, then we finished the day by visiting where I went to college.

By the end of the day my voice was beginning to get hoarse. I was hoping it was due to singing at the festival concert and all of the talking. The last thing I want is for Ben to be sick for the wedding he's going to. He left to go back home and I spent the evening napping.

This morning I woke up feeling pretty bad. My throat was sore, my voice was crap, and I was super tired. I decided to stay home from work to recuperate. I texted Ben to warn him to take Vitamin C and zinc in order to ward off any virus I may have given him. He called back assuring me that he felt fine. He said he wanted to send me soup or something, but I didn't want him to get too distracted from his other responsibilities like work and preparing for the wedding. Then, this afternoon the doorbell rang. It was a delivery guy dropping off chicken noodle soup and Chamomile tea, courtesy of Ben!! 

I like him so much. I'm still working on integrating the gay thing into my self-concept, but weekends like this definitely help. And Lance and Janice were so awesome about it all. Ben complimented me on my choice of friends many times. I agree, I am so lucky :-)

All mixed up . . . and Santa Monica

A recap of the last week, and the weekend.

Last week I was in a very weird mood. I touched on it a little bit in my last entry. I was feeling a bit of the old doubts and confusions creep in, which was quite distressing to me. I was stressing about the future, about the doors I'd be closing by going forward with a relationship with Ben. I started having some of the old obsessions coming back, including trying to test/check my sexuality by looking for any hint of attraction to girls. There actually was one, a nurse in my doctor's office, that I felt pretty attracted to, which just fed the confusion more. The visit with the counselor did help me quite a bit. As I said before, she pointed out that I had experienced a lot of significant events in a short time span (the comments helped too guys, thanks). Another part of the issue may have been my first sexual escapade, which had made me a bit self-conscious because it took a long time for me to climax (I finally finished it myself because I was a little embarrassed about how long it was taking). Also, I think I'm still trying to adjust to the biggest change in my life, trying to integrate the fact that I'm in a gay relationship into my self-concept. It got so bad that I even started feeling guilty, like I was dragging Ben along while I still was "All Mixed Up" about myself.

Luckily, all of that changed when Friday evening rolled around. As soon as I drove to LA and was greeted by Ben's smiling face the doubts began to melt away. Before long we were cuddling on his bed. Thus began yet another epic weekend of non-stop fun.

First we went to a rock concert in Hollywood with some of Ben's friends. Outside the club I walked right by Tyler Posey, the (hot) actor from MTV's Teen Wolf. Apparently he's in a band that played before we got there.

This is what I could have seen. D'oh!!

Saturday we went hiking in Runyon Canyon (the two of us and a friend), where you can see all sorts of beefcake in their natural habitat. The city views were amazing too! And so many dogs! Then that night we went in a big group to see an improv show. My cousin joined us. The show was excellent, and afterward Ben, my cousin, Ben's friend, and I went walking through Hollywood. I'd never done it at night before. It was amazing. We walked over to Grouman's Chinese Theater and eventually ended up at a diner where we had a late night snack. It was a great time.

Sunday I went to have lunch with my cousin and our friend . . . let's call him "Lance." I may have mentioned this particular friend before . . . Suffice it to say that coming out to this guy was kind of a big deal for me. Well I did, and Lance took it very well. He was totally cool about it, and admitted that he and Janice had speculated about me during our Europe trip back in 2010. I don't think I'll be telling him that I used to have feelings for him . . . no need to complicate things and by now that's pretty irrelevant.

After I returned to Ben we vegged out on his bed for a while. We had talked about renting bikes and going to Santa Monica, but the impulse to just relax and hold each other was pretty strong, haha. Finally (after a couple of false starts) we decided to do it. We said goodbye to Ben's gal pal who had spent the night (I hope she wasn't too upset to have the pull-out bed since I kinda stole her cuddle buddy . . .) and drove over to Santa Monica. I'm so glad we did! We rented the bikes and rode around for about an hour and a half. After that we spent some time hanging out at the fitness area near the pier watching some extremely attractive guys use the "traveling rings." I also just had to show off and do some pull-ups. I did 13, a personal best! After that we walked through the Third Street Promenade in Santa Monica and had dinner. There was live music, and when it got dark and all the lights in the trees came on it was beautiful. Several times throughout the day Ben and I practiced our PDA. We'd walk with our arms around each other and sometimes even hold hands. The latter I could really only do comfortable for a short while before I got too nervous about people looking. 

Sunday night as we lay in bed we had a talk. Ben surprised me by saying that before me, he had actually been pretty inhibited when it comes to PDA as well, and that he didn't detect my reservations at all. I admit, I'm a bit amazed at myself over how I've been able to do it. I guess I'm finally getting over what other people think of me. I also opened up a bit about the doubts I'd had last week, but assured him that the time spent with him had shattered those doubts. Finally . . . to top off an amazing weekend, I asked Ben if he would be my boyfriend (since he pretty much already was). He said absolutely.

So now here I am. I'm no longer "experimenting." I'm no longer "trying out" dating guys to see if it's for me. I've found an amazing guy who makes me smile just thinking about him, who makes every minute I spend with him feel like I'm on vacation, who makes the minutes fly by when I talk to him on the phone. Could I have the same thing with a girl? Maybe yes, maybe no. But it's time I got my head out of the what ifs and the future and started enjoying the now. Because if it feels right in the now, chances are the future will be just fine.

The song that inspired the name of this blog:

And another one in honor of the awesome weekend: