Better living through chemistry

Okay, get ready because this entry is a monster. I tried not to censor myself too much, so it gets a little depressing. I do try to end it on a more positive note, though.

Well, there's always that dark side to getting back into dating after a break-up. The risk of further rejection. I texted Kenny today about the prospect of going hiking on Sunday as we discussed. His response: "Hey man, you seem like a really nice and caring guy, but I've met someone else that I think I have better chemistry with, so I'm going to have to bail on Sunday."

Fucking chemistry!!! These people have no patience for relationship building, all they want is instant gratification! It's not my fault that it takes me a while to really open up and get comfortable with somebody! Well, even then I fail at chemistry. But let's not beat that dead horse.

Speaking of which, guess who I'm planning to get together with for dinner on Sunday? No, not him . . . None other than the infamous Jake the Australian. The poster child for the "no spark" text message rejection, haha. Not a date or anything. I emailed him since it had been a while and he suggested we meet up. Really nice guy, that Jake. I haven't seen him since we saw "Cabin in the Woods" together nearly a year ago. We've emailed back and forth a bit since then, and he had mentioned getting together so he could meet Ben, but that never materialized. It will be good to see him again. We've both had breakups since then, although his was after only 3 months (and was incidentally another guy I went out with from that dating website, small world).

Now that Kenny is out of the picture, I only have a couple of prospects. One is a really nice guy that I have been corresponding with for quite some time. I'll call him Jeff. He seems really cool, the only major downside is since he's not out at work (he's a teacher) he didn't have a face pic up. Hopefully I'll find him attractive when we meet. I guess this will be a test of how shallow I am, haha.

Another guy I've been corresponding with is Nathan. I'm a little wary about him though. Number one, he's 33, the other end of my acceptable age range. Number two, he texts me a lot. Which wouldn't be all that bad if he had something to say. Problem is it's a constant barrage of "good morning", "how are you", "how was your night", followed by fairly undescriptive answers when I ask him back That's been going on for a while, without him making an attempt to coordinate a meet up. Finally I texted back "So . . . we've been texting for quite a while. Did you want to meet up or something?" Ha ha, a little blunt of me, but it was getting a little irritating. I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, though. Someone's gotta be willing to do that sometimes.

One or two other people that I've conversed with a bit on the dating website, but the conversation is limited. And the one who seems the most interested also lives quite far away. Like, farther than Ben. Which I'd rather not do.

I'd love to report that my mind is in a better place. It's not. I'd love to say that the dating I've been doing has been helping me move on from Ben. It's not. In fact I'd say today I felt just about the worst I've felt. The last several guys that I've messaged, some of whom I really seemed to have a good amount in common with, never responded. After getting rejected by Kenny for the same old tired reason and browsing more profiles on the dating website, I was feeling really down on myself. My career is stalled while all of these other guys my age are either in or graduated from professional or grad school. I took so freaking long to decide what I want to do (and am still wavering a bit) that now I feel totally behind the pack. Now, I know a dating profile is obviously going to be painted with a very rosy brush (heck, I remember when I first read Ben's profile . . . a teacher who loves his job? not quite . . . not to mention the whole straight thing now). But still, everyone just seems so confident. I was well on my way to building such confidence with Ben, but now that's been shattered. I also am, for the first time since meeting Ben, resenting my sexuality. And I don't just mean the low sex drive part. I mean the affinity for guys. Ben had me not only accepting, but being proud to be in a gay relationship. Not just because I loved him so much, but because he was someone that I could talk to about hot guys I saw. Someone I could discuss gay rights with. Now a part of me wishes I could take all that coming out crap back. My happiness with him was the only reason I was able to do it in the first place. Not having the drive to have sex makes me feel like a pretender going out with guys, and I'm sure I would feel just as much of a pretender going out with girls. So if I have to fake it regardless, why not just fake it with girls? But if I tried to date girls now I would find myself with the same uphill battle that Ben is facing. What girl would date a guy who just got out of a gay relationship?

The other reason I'm down is I realize I'm still so hung up on Ben. I can't get it out of my head how happy I was, and how happy he was at the beginning. And this makes me question whether all of those people are right. I was so determined to prove the naysayers wrong, to show that you can have a friendship with an ex after being dumped . . . well I have hope it will happen eventually. I just fear it will be a lot longer than I wanted. Which sucks because I could really use all of the close friends I can get now. He arguably became my best friend over the course of the last year, but now I can't so much as text him without making him freak out. Plus, doing so would violate the sacred Rules of Getting Over a Break-Up. Though I do value what we had, and I am glad that I've actually had a relationship now, and I did learn a lot . . . part of me wishes that I hadn't gotten greedy. That I had just accepted it when he rejected me the first time. Because if I can only have one or the other I think I would rather have a lifelong friend than an eight month relationship.

Okay, two paragraphs of doom and gloom. I hate being that guy. No one will want to read this blog anymore if I'm too much of a Debbie Downer, haha. So . . . things to be thankful for!

I am thankful for my friendship with Tom. I had dinner with him earlier this evening. We talked about the way I'm feeling about the break up, and how I feel like it had more to do with Ben's psychological and emotional issues rather than any real incompatibility or lack of chemistry between us. I spoke about my jealousy of a couple of my gay friends, who have managed to find lasting relationships while mine fizzled. Tom was very understanding. He went through a very tough breakup back in 2009, and I was there to witness the aftermath. It wasn't pretty. He gave me very encouraging words and advice. He's definitely won me over lately. I used to be on the fence about him. Basically felt a major emotional asymmetry in our friendship that I long felt guilty for (Ben dared to throw this at me during our last conversation, cheap shot). Now I feel like I've connected with him in a way that I was never able to before. Maybe my heartbreak gives us that one more thing in common we needed, haha.

I am thankful for my friendship with Janice. I had dinner with her the other night. She also spoke about her previous break up, and how long it took her to get over (well, she's still not entirely over it). She also made me feel better about Ben's behavior. She acknowledged that his email was a bit rude, but she pointed out that he didn't know whether my limited attempts at contact were the start of a barrage. I told her he should know me better than that. Her response: "He doesn't know Break-Up Cal." Touche. So, my anger at the email has faded.

I am thankful for my relationships with all the other people that have helped me through this time. My mom, my cousins, my friends Rick, Philip, Lance and Nina, You-Tube Guy, El Genio and the other bloggers who read this and leave advice (especially fan of casey, your words of wisdom never fail to make me feel better and I thank you for that), penpal Mike . . . the list goes on. Even when worries surface that I will be alone, I can think of all of the love and support I have in my life and feel a little less lonely.

I will leave you with a Dr. Seuss quote that penpal Mike emailed me: "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." I will try.

Super Bowl Party

I went to a Super Bowl party today at my friend's house. I saw the last two friends that were on my list of people to tell about me dating guys, and I told them both. They both took it really well, as I knew they would. I used to live with them both, and they are really cool, awesome guys. They also listened to my story of the relationship with Ben, and the end. My one friend, Ryan (who is actually Philip's older brother) was a really good one to talk to, because he has successfully remained friends with almost all of his ex-girlfriends. This doesn't surprise me. Ryan is one of the most friendly, caring people I know. He has so many friends . . . I've been to numerous parties at his place, and every time I feel like 2/3 of the people I've never seen before (maybe he just goes through friends fast? haha) But there's always a core group that I see a lot. Anyways, hearing about his success reassures me that it will be possible in my case to remain friends. How good of friends remains to be seen, but I think it's worth a try.

I've pretty much written off the possibility of us getting back together at this point. Although the other night I did dream about it happening. Then awoke to the crushing disappointment of it having been just a dream. Anyways, I think Ben has some things to sort out before he's ready for a truly lasting long-term relationship, including improving his communication skills. Everyone I talk to shows the same surprise and sympathy for the whole 4-day turn around between Ben telling me about his problems and breaking up with me, which definitely makes me feel vindicated. I hope I never blindside someone like that. If a relationship of that length is positive at all I think it deserves at least a week or two of mutual problem solving and complete openness.

Also this weekend, I talked on the phone for quite a while with an old friend from middle/high school. We've chatted on FB in the past year, but this is the first time I've actually talked to him since our school days. He is gay and is living in a different state with his partner. It was neat to swap stories about coming to terms with ourselves and coming out.

As you may have noticed, I posted a video of myself covering that Madonna song on the guitar yesterday. Kind of a big deal for me, since I've never posted video of myself (though my face is blocked). Credit socrkid17 and ClosetCarGuy for having the guts to do it first. What did you guys think? Maybe I'll do it again sometime.

Ramble on

Well, I've been saving this title for just such an occasion: a blog entry that has just too much going on in it to find a good title to sum it up :-)

Things have definitely cooled down since I was outed by my cousin and mom to the rest of the family a couple weeks ago. I'm still not happy it happened, but oh well. Everyone seems to be taking it okay.

Ben and I met several members of each others' families last week. First I met his aunt, who was in town for a conference. She was definitely the most comfortable with us, always wanting to take our picture together. Then he met my parents, who were visiting SoCal as their last stop before heading back to the Midwest. It was a good time, they got along fine, but I still feel like my mom is having a hard time dealing with it. I suspect that might be part of the reason why she told the rest of the family. I might suggest to her that she seek counseling or something, since it has helped me so much. Finally, I met Ben's mom, who came to town about the time my parents left. The three of us went biking together. She was very nice, and apparently doesn't have the very conservative political perspective that my parents do. I'm not sure if and when I'd meet Ben's dad, as he is very homophobic, separated from Ben's mom, and doesn't talk to Ben very often (especially since Ben came out to him).

Ben and I had our first major disagreement. Not a fight, not at all. Just a discussion where we, for the first time, had very different opinions. It was about Facebook. Now that I'm out to most of my close friends and most of my family, Ben asked me how I felt about pictures of the two of us being posted and tagged on Facebook. I have several gay friends on Facebook who are completely open about their relationships (heck, there was even one who posted a picture of him standing next to his boyfriend while wearing a shirt that says, "He likes to take it up the ass." Classy) However, I'm a very private person, and frankly I'm a bit paranoid about this kind of thing too. My therapist and my mom have both cautioned me about the pictures I post, because you never know when you'll get investigated by, say, a homophobic admissions committee member. Ben felt very differently. He wants to live completely out in the open, and wants to be able to post pictures just like any other person in a serious relationship would. After a couple of discussions and consultations with others for their opinion, however, he softened his stance. I told him that in an ideal world I would share all of my pictures embracing him with the world, but unfortunately our society still has a ways to go. Until I'm established in my career I just don't think I'll be comfortable living completely in the open. Who knows, maybe I'll change my FB name to a pseudonym like some people do. Anyways, he was understanding and accepted that not all industries are quite as liberal as entertainment and academia.

Overall, Ben and I are doing well. We talk on the phone pretty much three times a day and see each other every weekend. We went to West Hollywood a couple weekends ago, to The Abbey. It was nice being able to be in that environment, where I didn't have to worry about being discreet while kissing him.

One thing I'm really excited about: I'm going to meet YouTube Guy in person! He's coming to San Francisco with his boyfriend in September, and Ben and I are going to meet up with them there. My first double dating experience!

Until next time, Blogworld.

I heard it through the grapevine

Pandora's Box has been opened.

It started out as a normal enough Monday. I awoke next to Ben, stole a couple more minutes of cuddle time thanks to the "snooze" button, and headed off to work after enjoying Ben's special blend of oatmeal (oatmeal + bananas + peanut butter + raisins = crazy delicious)

I called my mom during my lunch break. She and my dad have been up in Northern California visiting my dad's brothers. One is Uncle Pete and the other is Uncle Rob. Uncle Pete is the oldest of the three, and is the father of my three cousins, who are my best friends in the world and my closest confidants. They have played a huge part in helping me through my journey with their understanding and support. Uncle Pete is probably the most outwardly affectionate of the three brothers, and due to my closeness with his sons has long referred to me as his "fourth son." Uncle Rob is the youngest of the brothers. He has two sons who are a bit older than me (early thirties) that I'm not as close to. Uncle Rob is definitely my favorite of the three brothers to talk politics and have intellectual discussions with, as even though he's as conservative as my dad and Uncle Pete, he's a lot more open-minded and logical in conversation.

After telling my sisters about Ben, I had resolved to focus on telling the rest of my close friends, especially since it would be a while before seeing my uncles and aunts again. I also haven't been in a big hurry to tell them because of their conservatism . . . especially Uncle Pete. While talking to my mom on the phone, however, I was in a for a bit of a shock. While at Uncle Rob's house, she had decided to tell everyone there, including Uncle Rob, his wife, his son and his son's wife, and my dad's cousin and her husband. She did this without consulting me first. Why in the world would she do this, why would she go behind my back and spill the beans to so many family members? Well, the first thing that emboldened her was the fact that I was telling all of my friends (indeed, I just told my friend in the navy, let's call him Dave, on Friday, which finished up the list of my closest friends). The second thing: Uncle Pete and his wife already knew!!!!

This one was the biggest shock! How the hell did they find out? They were the most conservative of the family, they were the ones who have Fox News on just about 24/7, who own multiple books written by Ann Coulter, who enjoy Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh, and who had reacted rather negatively when one of my female second cousins had talked about dating girls. Suffice it to say I was dreading my eventual coming-out to them and was hoping to do it very delicately. My mom told me it had been one of my cousins that told them. I was horrified. This is not what was supposed to happen at all. One of my cousins? My closest friends in the world? Telling the two people I'd been most afraid of telling, the ones I wanted to tell very carefully? Immediately I knew which one it must have been. I called up the middle of the three brothers, my cousin Roger. I figured it might be him because, as messed up as it may be, he's the one who is generally the most naive and the least intellectual . . . the only one I could fathom may have slipped up or not realized how much I wanted to tell them at my own pace. He's also the only one who has met Ben.

After talking to Roger for a while, I told him about what my Mom had done and explained how it made me feel and how I preferred to tell people in the family on my own. He didn't offer up an admission, so I went further and told him about finding out that his parents already knew. At this he reluctantly (and cautiously) came clean. One day about a month ago (!) he was talking on the phone with his parents and telling them about his weekend. He mentioned Ben by name, which of course prompted them to ask who Ben was. Rather than lie or just describe him as my friend, he decided to tell them everything. What's more: since then both his brothers had found out about what he had done (and given him quite the tongue-lashing for it, apparently). They didn't tell me because they wanted Roger to fess up himself, warning him that if it didn't come from him it would inevitably come through the grapevine and back to me. Well, he never worked up the guts to tell me, so through the grapevine it did come. 

A few hours ago I called Uncle Pete and his wife and talked with them for an hour about everything. Having lost the chance to be able to be present during their finding out about me, I wanted to give them my side of the story and answer any questions they might have. To their credit, they were very supportive. My uncle was concerned about the difficult path I had chosen, but I told him not being true to myself would have been a lot harder on me in the long run. I also told him about the positive effect that Ben has had on me and on my life these past couple of months (Sunday we hit the 3 month mark). He was concerned about the supposed promiscuity of gay men, but I assured him that both Ben and I are deeply committed to monogamy. I could tell he's a bit skeptical of how lasting our relationship will be.

How am I feeling after this double breach of trust? Well, I'm pretty much okay. After I talked to Ben he was greatly impressed with how well I was taking it (and even asked me whether I was the type of person to internalize my anger, haha).  Actually, I'm more angry with my mom than Roger. Roger's somewhat simple nature made it hard for him to lie to his parents (in fact he didn't even seem to realize the gravity of what he had done until his brothers got on his case about it). Plus his brothers already chewed him out for it and at this point he is truly remorseful. Both should have known better and at least asked me first, but especially my mom. She apologized, but she did it in a somewhat unsatisfactory way ("Sorry if I misspoke"). I still can't wrap my head around what she was thinking. Maybe it was discomfort with keeping the truth from everyone? Maybe she figured it would be easier to ask for forgiveness than permission? I don't know. I wrote her somewhat of a stern email earlier, making sure to remind her to "take other people's feelings into account" when sharing sensitive information. A little dig at her for suggesting I should consider other peoples' feelings after Ben and my PG rated (if that) intimacy "overwhelmed" my brother-in-law. I also took issue with what she said she had told Uncle Pete and his wife: that she "wasn't happy with" the situation. I know she was just expressing her true (if disappointing) feelings, I just wish she hadn't worded it that way. I was hurt by it. Hopefully when she meets Ben (which will happen this week) and sees what an amazing person he is, she will feel a little happier about it all.

Well, that's my story. I've officially been outed to my family. Everyone took it pretty well, which I'm grateful for. The silver lining is that now I don't have to worry about doing it myself, albeit I would have preferred having more control over how it was done. Oh well. What's done is done.

Don't stand so close to me

First of all, before I get into this post I want to say how saddened I am by the tragedy that happened in Aurora, Colorado . . . such a horrible, senseless act, and in a place where people go to escape the worries and fears of the world for a while.

As for me, I'm doing well. I had a birthday this week. Another year older. Ben made me a BBQ chicken pizza and homemade hummus, both of which were great. He also gave me a framed picture of the two of us. He is seriously the sweetest, most thoughtful guy.

Now, for the reason behind the title of today's post. Today I spoke with my mom on the phone and she told me what my sister had said about meeting Ben last weekend. Apparently my sister was a bit "surprised" at how comfortable I was showing affection with Ben during this, her family's first meeting with him, and my brother-in-law was a bit bothered by how "touchy-feely" we were. My mom suggested that I should take other people's feelings into account more, and not jump into showing overt displays of affection before giving them a time to get used to seeing me with a guy.

While I understand the issue, I was a little upset by how my mom chose to word it. I try very hard to always take other peoples' feelings into account. My ability to do so is something I take pride in, and I was a little pissed that my mom suggested I was being at all insensitive. Ben and I definitely did tone it down when we were visiting my sister and her family. We were even sitting on separate couches for a while. I hardly even remember what we did do, but apparently I went over to his couch at one point and put my arm around him. Big deal, my brother-in-law has seen me do a heck of a lot more with my cousins, haha. Uhh . . . don't take that the wrong way.

I spoke to my sister later on to clarify the situation, but she pretty much said what my mom had said. She was "surprised" and her husband was slightly "overwhelmed." I explained to her that I'd been dealing with this for a long time, and had been so paranoid about what their reaction would be, that when I found out they were okay with it I guess I overcompensated a bit, especially when my other sister and her boyfriend (the ones we went biking and wine tasting with) were so cool and laid back about it. I guess "okay" is a continuum.

In any case, we cleared the air and from now on I guess I'll keep my hands to myself around them, at least for now. Not sure how to know when it's okay to show affection, though. When will they be "used to it"? And will they give me an announcement when that happens?  "Okay, we're used to it, go ahead and put your arm around him now." I guess I just have to give them more time to get to know Ben. Apparently my nephew and niece haven't actually been told the nature of my relationship with Ben, they just thought we were friends (though I'm sure my teenage nephew probably suspects the truth).

In the end they were still for the most part great about everything, I totally understand about cutting them some slack . . . I guess I was just a little disappointed (and frankly embarrassed) that I made them feel uncomfortable.

Ten years gone

Saturday night was my 10 year high school reunion. And Ben was my plus one.

I was a bit nervous of course, but as with most of these situations I like Ben so much that it really helps to relieve much of my anxiety. I didn't exactly go around introducing him to people as my boyfriend, but it became pretty obvious for everyone soon enough.

It couldn't have gone better. We got all sorts of compliments: "Your boyfriend is really cute," "You guys are so cute together," "I'm so happy you brought him!" I also got the inevitable "I had no idea you were gay!" My response: "I didn't either." Ha ha. Then there was the girl who decided to express her enthusiastic support for gay marriage. One girl shared her opinion that we seemed like we would be together for a long time, which was sweet. There was another gay guy there who was very happy that he wasn't the only one. He took the liberty of grinding up against both Ben and me on the dance floor. Not exactly my comfort zone but I sort of went with it, haha. Ben was a big hit. He's such a friendly, outgoing guy that he got along real well with everybody. And when he took to the dance floor to belt out Bon Jovi during karaoke time a bunch of girls joined him to dance. We also did a duet of "Under Pressure," with him doing the Freddie Mercury part and me doing the David Bowie part. So much fun. And now the cat is out of the bag with a good portion of my former classmates. I told him, "Because of you, I feel like I'm experiencing a level of popularity I never had in high school!"

In addition to that, we also spent time with some of my friends and family members. Ben finally got to meet Rick, who is one of my closest friends. They got along really well. We also went bike riding with my sister and her boyfriend, which was great. I think they both really liked Ben.

Overall it was (yet another) amazing weekend. We spent nearly every waking and sleeping hour together. And because of the holiday this week, it won't be long at all before I see him again. I will most likely drive to his place tomorrow night after work.

This weekend definitely made my comfort level go up dramatically.

The story in your eyes

Hi all,

Ben finally came back from his lengthy trip Monday. I anxiously awaited his arrival at my place Monday night, and when he finally got here it was so great to see him! We cuddled for a while in my room, then went out to get dinner. After that we went for a nighttime stroll through the area, taking some time to sit on a bench overlooking a small man-made lake. I also took another step by introducing him as my boyfriend to my roommate's friend who was over. Maybe I'll say the word louder next time, haha.

Before bed we spent some time getting intimate. Which went quite well. I'm definitely getting more comfortable with that. SOrRy for the lAck of detaiLs . . . this isn't that type of blog :-)

Over the weekend I came out to both my sisters, who live about an hour away. They were both great about it. One had actually taken notice of a picture that Ben's roommate posted on Facebook . . . it was of the two of us together during a hiking trip, Ben with his arm around my waist. YouTube guy had seen the picture and said it wasn't very subtle . . . "Your family's definitely talking," he had said. Well, he was right, it didn't go unnoticed, haha.  Whatever, now that it's out in the open I'm excited to include Ben in our get-togethers now.

I'm definitely feeling closer to Ben lately. I've even shared with him the creative writing project that I started back in 2008. It was a sci-fi/fantasy type story that I had begun writing based on an idea I'd had in my head for some time. It was just for fun, but it ended up getting rather long. I never finished it, but I came close. While he was on his trip I began sending Ben chapters over email. He sounds like he's really enjoying it! It's great to get that feedback, he's the very first person I've shared it with. Maybe he can help me figure out a suitable ending.

As far as doubts/ruminations/anxieties, I'm feeling pretty good right now. I had a bit of a spike the other day where my positive feelings about my MCAT score were undermined a bit and I started to worry about where I'd end up, but I think I have that more under control now. I'm trying to take things a step at a time.

I've brought up some of my worries with Ben. Basically, I'm considered about our long-term future, if we were to still be together a year from now and I were to only get into school far away. There's really no sense worrying about that at this point though.  No need to comment about this aspect of the entry, I know what I need to do and I really would just prefer to focus on the present right now.

Tonight was the first improv class since I came out last week. It was only mentioned once, in a somewhat joking manner by the teacher. Not too bad.

Now I'm just counting down to Friday when I get to see Ben again. We've been talking on the phone several times a day. Yep, one's just not enough anymore, haha.

I'm really liking this guy.

New skin

It's still a bit of a struggle to get comfortable in my skin with this whole gay thing. Over the last couple days I made a couple rather scary steps. First, I invited Ben to be my plus one at my 10-year high school reunion at the end of the month. I had been on the fence about whether I was ready to go with him. In the end I decided to take the plunge because a) I figured it would help with my comfort level, b) not many of the people who are going to be there are people I was that close to, so I think I'd have more fun if he's with me and c) it would be awkward to make him go do something else during that time, since he undoubtedly will be in town that weekend.

The second big step requires a bit of set-up.

I found out how I did on the MCAT yesterday. I got a 30, which is pretty much the minimum score that would be considered "competitive." Hopefully that, my high undergrad GPA, and my experiences in research since graduation will be a winning combo. Anyways, to reward myself I decided to sign up for another round of improv class. It's the same instructor as last time, and as before he is fond of going around the room and asking people about their lives, to get a sense of who they are. He often gets pretty personal, asking about dating and relationships. Last class I just kinda dodged my way through the questions, but I didn't want to be made to feel awkward this time around. Fortunately this time a guy who went before me was gay himself, and the instructor asked him a lot about his coming out process. That made me feel emboldened, since I wouldn't be the token gay guy in the class, so when it came to be my turn I spilled my guts. I talked about how taking the improv classes had improved my confidence and allowed me to start dating, and how the person I was dating was a guy. That led to a running joke where the next person was always asked "So, when did you come out?" It was cool, everyone was supportive. Only one person in the class was someone I already knew, and I think he was a bit surprised by the revelation. I also revealed to them that this was the very first time I had come out to a group . . . always before it had been in one-on-one settings.

I'm hoping that the more I come out the more I'll feel comfortable identifying as gay. Because I really don't know what other way this is going to go. I can't make myself feel any more gay, but I can't make myself be more attracted to girls either. I just wish sooo much that I had a stronger sex drive! Ben and I have done things a couple times, yes, and it was enjoyable, but I just don't experience the desire to have sex like other people do. It allows my ever-questioning mind to constantly cast doubt on my feelings, even when it seems the evidence is solid. Ben being out of town for so long doesn't help. I really want him to come back, because being with him is really the only thing that's going to make this feeling go away. Being with him takes me out of my head, out of my doubt, and allows me to enjoy the moment.

I spoke to YouTube guy a couple days ago. I feel like I can relate to him more than just about anyone, since he he's also an over-thinker and has experienced confusion about which way to go as well. However, he's currently in a pretty serious relationship with a guy he's been seeing for 3 months, and it sounds like he's pretty happy. He definitely sounds less conflicted than before. Maybe I'll try to follow his lead. He also mentioned the possibility of coming to CA with his BF at some point, which would be awesome. Double date anyone?

I just went and took down my Match.com profile (well, I made it invisible until the subscription runs out). I noticed that Ben still has his profile, with last activity two weeks ago. I hope he's not still looking! Haha, uh oh, careful there, can't become the jealous type.

Peaceful easy feeling

I'm back at my parents' house in the Midwest after a week-long road trip through Tennessee. The sightseeing was a lot of fun, especially because I got both of my stresses out of the way beforehand.

I took the MCAT last Saturday. It was really tough, and I don't get to find out how I did until mid-June. I think I did okay, but I'm not sure I reached my target score that would bolster my chances of getting in where I want (namely, California). Oh well, it's done so I'm not going to worry about it.

As for coming out to my dad, I had initially planned to do it at the end of the road trip. In typical fashion for me, I was putting others before myself and not wanting to "ruin" the road trip for him by doing it before. At some point, however, I realized I was being a little over-dramatic, and what would happen instead is that I would be affecting my own enjoyment of the road trip by waiting. I didn't want that cloud hanging over me when I was supposed to be enjoying my time with my parents, so I resolved to do it before we left.  Finally an opportunity arose: my mom went to the store (and not so subtly hinted that it would be a good time to do it), leaving me home alone with my dad. Once I pulled his attention away from TV, I set into a long, somewhat awkward story about my progress as a person over the last couple years. My confidence issues, my career indecision, and finally my sexuality confusion, leading up to the revelation that I had been dating guys and was seeing one seriously.

The reaction: he took it pretty well. Very calmly. After my admission we got into a brief discussion about conservatism vs. liberalism, which led to him basically saying that when it comes to social issues such as homosexuality he is a bit more liberal (of course I had to use the L word, he'd never use such a dirty word to describe himself in any way, haha). Of course he still isn't for gay marriage, but it's basically just the word "marriage" that he's stuck on. Anyways, basically we had the conversation and it went alright. His main issue was that he felt like I hadn't tried dating girls enough to know for sure that it wasn't for me. I had trouble responding to that because, well, it's true. I've only really been on one date with a girl. It took me a while to come up with a response: "Well, I think the reason I didn't date more girls, besides lack of self-confidence at the time, was simply lack of interest." In any case, he's not going to pressure me to date girls or anything, it was just a concern of his. Even after the conversation ended though, I was still uneasy. I felt like something was missing.

My dad's not the best communicator, so if you want something from him you really have to ask for it. He won't volunteer much of anything that isn't a diatribe about Obama or a joke. So later, after I realized what had been missing from our previous discussion, I got him alone and asked him: "Dad, if I find a relationship, guy or girl, that makes me happy . . . where would you stand?" His response: "With you, of course. We both want you to be happy." That was it. That's what I wanted to hear.

Everything being out in the open with both of my parents was extremely liberating. I ended up talking with Ben on the phone every night during the trip, often in plain sight of my parents (the one time I tried to get some privacy by talking in the truck led to me accidentally setting off the truck's horn alarm at midnight in a campground we were staying at . . . uhh oops). I was even able to Skype with him several times using my mom's IPad. It was great sharing my travel experiences with him as they progressed, and hearing about how things are with him back home in CA. We had a number of really good conversations. During one of them, I came clean about pretty much everything that I hadn't been forthright with before: including my past concerns about sex drive, the T gel I'd been using (he's going to smell it sooner or later, though I've been refraining use of it on days when I'm with him), and even this blog. He knew before that I had used blogging to come to terms with my sexuality, but he didn't know until now that I still actively blog (and talk about him). He was cool with it, and with everything else. I assured him that everything I've written about him has been positive :-) Who knows, maybe I'll let him read it someday.

I just talked to him a little while ago, he is currently on a plane bound for the east coast, to return in a couple days. I will pick him up at the airport on Memorial Day, and I can't wait. We are both definitely in the infatuation stage of our relationship, haha.

I've selected this entry's song for several reasons:
1. I've just been through Nashville and Memphis, so I wanted something a little country rockish.
2. "Peaceful easy feeling" pretty much describes my state of mind right now.
3. The Eagles are sort of "the band" for Ben and me. We saw an Eagles tribute band together recently, and he has said that all of their songs now remind him of me :-)

Peace out y'all!

Head over heels

Originally, I was expecting 3 weeks to pass without seeing Ben, since I'm flying out tomorrow and won't be returning until the day before Memorial Day. I figured I wouldn't be seeing him again until the weekend after that. However, we've found ways to cut the time down a bit.

First, it turns out that he returns from his trip back east early on Memorial Day, so I offered to pick him up from the airport and spend the rest of the day with him. He enthusiastically accepted.

Then he called me at work today and asked if I had plans for dinner tonight. I was instantly super excited, but informed him that I actually had made plans with some friends (Tom and Philip). He was reluctant to cause me to change my plans, but since my friends have been looking forward to meeting him I decided to check with them to see if it'd be okay if he joined us. They were of course cool with it. So he drove down and met me at my place. He came to the front door when I was in my room changing, so he ended up meeting my roommate. I haven't told her about me yet, so I wonder if she had any suspicions (especially when he disappeared around the corner to kiss me as I came out of my room, haha).

We drove to meet my friends, and I became adept at driving with one hand on the steering wheel and one arm wrapped around him :-)  I still need two hands to park though, so I'd always have to say "parking" so he'd let me go. While waiting for Tom and Philip to show up we sat next to each other on a bench. There was a security guard nearby that no doubt noticed Ben's arm around my neck, not to mention how close we were sitting. Soon the guard had wandered out of sight. I definitely am a little self-conscious of PDA, but I guess you kind of have to be in many places.

Dinner was great. Ben got along with Tom and Philip real well. He was excited to meet some of my friends since I had met a lot of his friends at karaoke several weeks ago. I think they liked him too. We ordered two entrees and shared them, and sat real close the whole time. Half the time we were holding hands under the table. It was great. I wasn't too self conscious since it was mostly college students eating in that place. After dinner he had to return home because he works early in the morning. It was so hard to let him go! We made out a bit in the car, traded compliments and flirtations, and then he left. But now it's only about a week and a half before I see him again, instead of 3 weeks!

I admit, there were times during this past week when the old doubts came creeping in, intensified by the reality of what I'm doing. Thinking about my upcoming conversation with my dad and attending the wedding over the weekend made me think again, "couldn't I make it work with a girl, how do I know if I don't try?"

But Ben is amazing. I love spending time with him, talking to him, learning about him. I enjoy holding him, touching him, kissing him. He's really an amazing catch in soooo many ways. I just need to fully come to terms with being gay. One thing's for sure though . . . it's a lot easier when he's around. I was worried about showing affection in front of my friends and whether I'd be comfortable with it, but once Ben was there I could barely keep my hands off of him, haha.

I've got two big challenges coming up in the next week and a half: the TEST and telling my DAD. So next time I write in this blog I'm sure I'll have much to talk about. Let's hope it's good things.

 

Come out and play

Yes, I chose the song solely because it has "come out" in the title. Youth violence has nothing to do with this entry, haha.

I came out (as dating guys) to another close friend tonight. Let's call him Philip. He just got back into town from  med school, and he'll be around for a couple months before he starts his residency in Arizona. We had gone to the gym with my friend Rick (who knows) and were going back to our cars, which were parked next to each other in a fairly empty part of the parking lot. Rick drove off and I continued talking with Philip. I told him I had something "heavy" to tell him (no, I don't know why I started talking like Marty McFly). At first he was worried that it was something bad, but I assured him it wasn't, and said that it was something that was actually good for me. I explained how Rick had mentioned he thought I seemed a lot more relaxed and happy lately. Philip agreed with this observation, saying that he had noticed it from the moment he saw me. He also said it looked like I had put on some muscle mass, which was nice . . . but I digress.

I told him about how I had entered the dating world and was dating guys. We talked a long time, with me pretty much telling him the whole story of how I got to where I'm at. He was curious about what the "tipping point" was that led me out of my paralysis and finally got me to act. I told him it was a gradual development that started after the PhD program crisis and the Europe trip. It began with me telling my cousins one by one, then really started to pick up steam after I visited the gay bar in Chicago, started communicating with my pen pal Mike and YouTube guy, and met up with El Genio. Once I signed up on Match, posted a picture and went on my first gay date, the rest was pretty easy, haha. I told Philip all about Jake and Ben, and about how Ben and I have become a bit closer over the past couple weeks. I told him about Aaron and his ex-boyfriend (who I'm actually having dinner with tomorrow). I told him about the conversations with guys I've been having through the dating website.

In the end he thought I was doing the right thing, especially since he thought I seemed so much happier than when he saw me last. He also is curious to try a dating site now, after being impressed by the number of dates I've been going on!

So this brings the count to 4 family members and 5 friends who know.

It really helped me to hear Philip tell me how I seem happier. Hearing that makes me . . . happy :-)

Hanging with a friend

I hung out with my best buddy again tonight. I can't remember if I've assigned him a pseudonym before, I'll have to just give him another now, haha. Let's call him Rick. Hopefully I can remember the thought process that let to that name, haha.

Anyways, we went and had dinner and then went to the gym. I introduced him to this vegetarian restaurant that I eat at occasionally. They have really tasty food, and I've gotten over the initial weirdness about eating fake "chicken" and "beef." The gym didn't go so well, I got a headache and had to call it quits after a couple exercises. Still, I've mostly been having good workouts lately. I'm definitely back into going regularly and I've been trying to eat enough to put on some muscle. So far I've been happy with the progress I've been seeing.

After the gym Rick and I talked for a while about my dating. I told him about the date with Ben last weekend and my continued daily correspondence with Jake. He told me to be cautious telling our other friend from college about my secret, since apparently the guy's a bit of a blabbermouth. I don't think I'd have to worry about him spreading this particular thing around, but good to know anyways. Whenever I told him it would need to be accompanied by a disclaimer.

Rick told me something very interesting. He said that this was the most relaxed he had seen me. EVER. That took me by surprise. I asked him how I usually acted before. Uptight? High-strung? Guarded? He said uptight  might be a good word for it. He said I would often seem like I had something troubling me, something on my mind. I didn't realize I was that transparent! It crossed my mind to ask, "How come you never asked me what was wrong?" but it's not like I would have told him before now anyway. He also commented about how we were now talking about things we'd never talked about before, such as me dating people (I pointed out that this was because I hadn't done that before, haha . . . though he clarified that I hadn't really even expressed the desire before).

We chatted a bit more, I told him more about my career decision struggles and my anxiety issues, as well as my recent increases in confidence. He told me about his own career issues as well (that's one thing we definitely have it common, he's on his way to getting a second bachelors for a career change). All in all, opening up to him hasn't harmed our friendship at all. If anything I feel closer to him than ever before. I feel less pressure to put on an act, I can be myself and express what I'm really thinking and feeling. For instance, somehow the topic of lesbians came up in the car. I asked him if he enjoyed watching girls make out. He said yes, but he wasn't really that much into lesbian porn. He asked me if lesbians did anything for me, which I honestly answered, "No." He then said that one thing he couldn't watch was two dudes making out. To that I responded, "No comment."

Man, I should have done this a long time ago.