Better living through chemistry

Okay, get ready because this entry is a monster. I tried not to censor myself too much, so it gets a little depressing. I do try to end it on a more positive note, though.

Well, there's always that dark side to getting back into dating after a break-up. The risk of further rejection. I texted Kenny today about the prospect of going hiking on Sunday as we discussed. His response: "Hey man, you seem like a really nice and caring guy, but I've met someone else that I think I have better chemistry with, so I'm going to have to bail on Sunday."

Fucking chemistry!!! These people have no patience for relationship building, all they want is instant gratification! It's not my fault that it takes me a while to really open up and get comfortable with somebody! Well, even then I fail at chemistry. But let's not beat that dead horse.

Speaking of which, guess who I'm planning to get together with for dinner on Sunday? No, not him . . . None other than the infamous Jake the Australian. The poster child for the "no spark" text message rejection, haha. Not a date or anything. I emailed him since it had been a while and he suggested we meet up. Really nice guy, that Jake. I haven't seen him since we saw "Cabin in the Woods" together nearly a year ago. We've emailed back and forth a bit since then, and he had mentioned getting together so he could meet Ben, but that never materialized. It will be good to see him again. We've both had breakups since then, although his was after only 3 months (and was incidentally another guy I went out with from that dating website, small world).

Now that Kenny is out of the picture, I only have a couple of prospects. One is a really nice guy that I have been corresponding with for quite some time. I'll call him Jeff. He seems really cool, the only major downside is since he's not out at work (he's a teacher) he didn't have a face pic up. Hopefully I'll find him attractive when we meet. I guess this will be a test of how shallow I am, haha.

Another guy I've been corresponding with is Nathan. I'm a little wary about him though. Number one, he's 33, the other end of my acceptable age range. Number two, he texts me a lot. Which wouldn't be all that bad if he had something to say. Problem is it's a constant barrage of "good morning", "how are you", "how was your night", followed by fairly undescriptive answers when I ask him back That's been going on for a while, without him making an attempt to coordinate a meet up. Finally I texted back "So . . . we've been texting for quite a while. Did you want to meet up or something?" Ha ha, a little blunt of me, but it was getting a little irritating. I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, though. Someone's gotta be willing to do that sometimes.

One or two other people that I've conversed with a bit on the dating website, but the conversation is limited. And the one who seems the most interested also lives quite far away. Like, farther than Ben. Which I'd rather not do.

I'd love to report that my mind is in a better place. It's not. I'd love to say that the dating I've been doing has been helping me move on from Ben. It's not. In fact I'd say today I felt just about the worst I've felt. The last several guys that I've messaged, some of whom I really seemed to have a good amount in common with, never responded. After getting rejected by Kenny for the same old tired reason and browsing more profiles on the dating website, I was feeling really down on myself. My career is stalled while all of these other guys my age are either in or graduated from professional or grad school. I took so freaking long to decide what I want to do (and am still wavering a bit) that now I feel totally behind the pack. Now, I know a dating profile is obviously going to be painted with a very rosy brush (heck, I remember when I first read Ben's profile . . . a teacher who loves his job? not quite . . . not to mention the whole straight thing now). But still, everyone just seems so confident. I was well on my way to building such confidence with Ben, but now that's been shattered. I also am, for the first time since meeting Ben, resenting my sexuality. And I don't just mean the low sex drive part. I mean the affinity for guys. Ben had me not only accepting, but being proud to be in a gay relationship. Not just because I loved him so much, but because he was someone that I could talk to about hot guys I saw. Someone I could discuss gay rights with. Now a part of me wishes I could take all that coming out crap back. My happiness with him was the only reason I was able to do it in the first place. Not having the drive to have sex makes me feel like a pretender going out with guys, and I'm sure I would feel just as much of a pretender going out with girls. So if I have to fake it regardless, why not just fake it with girls? But if I tried to date girls now I would find myself with the same uphill battle that Ben is facing. What girl would date a guy who just got out of a gay relationship?

The other reason I'm down is I realize I'm still so hung up on Ben. I can't get it out of my head how happy I was, and how happy he was at the beginning. And this makes me question whether all of those people are right. I was so determined to prove the naysayers wrong, to show that you can have a friendship with an ex after being dumped . . . well I have hope it will happen eventually. I just fear it will be a lot longer than I wanted. Which sucks because I could really use all of the close friends I can get now. He arguably became my best friend over the course of the last year, but now I can't so much as text him without making him freak out. Plus, doing so would violate the sacred Rules of Getting Over a Break-Up. Though I do value what we had, and I am glad that I've actually had a relationship now, and I did learn a lot . . . part of me wishes that I hadn't gotten greedy. That I had just accepted it when he rejected me the first time. Because if I can only have one or the other I think I would rather have a lifelong friend than an eight month relationship.

Okay, two paragraphs of doom and gloom. I hate being that guy. No one will want to read this blog anymore if I'm too much of a Debbie Downer, haha. So . . . things to be thankful for!

I am thankful for my friendship with Tom. I had dinner with him earlier this evening. We talked about the way I'm feeling about the break up, and how I feel like it had more to do with Ben's psychological and emotional issues rather than any real incompatibility or lack of chemistry between us. I spoke about my jealousy of a couple of my gay friends, who have managed to find lasting relationships while mine fizzled. Tom was very understanding. He went through a very tough breakup back in 2009, and I was there to witness the aftermath. It wasn't pretty. He gave me very encouraging words and advice. He's definitely won me over lately. I used to be on the fence about him. Basically felt a major emotional asymmetry in our friendship that I long felt guilty for (Ben dared to throw this at me during our last conversation, cheap shot). Now I feel like I've connected with him in a way that I was never able to before. Maybe my heartbreak gives us that one more thing in common we needed, haha.

I am thankful for my friendship with Janice. I had dinner with her the other night. She also spoke about her previous break up, and how long it took her to get over (well, she's still not entirely over it). She also made me feel better about Ben's behavior. She acknowledged that his email was a bit rude, but she pointed out that he didn't know whether my limited attempts at contact were the start of a barrage. I told her he should know me better than that. Her response: "He doesn't know Break-Up Cal." Touche. So, my anger at the email has faded.

I am thankful for my relationships with all the other people that have helped me through this time. My mom, my cousins, my friends Rick, Philip, Lance and Nina, You-Tube Guy, El Genio and the other bloggers who read this and leave advice (especially fan of casey, your words of wisdom never fail to make me feel better and I thank you for that), penpal Mike . . . the list goes on. Even when worries surface that I will be alone, I can think of all of the love and support I have in my life and feel a little less lonely.

I will leave you with a Dr. Seuss quote that penpal Mike emailed me: "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." I will try.

Jet settin'

Hello all!

I've been meaning to write an entry for a while, I've just been very busy. Well, today I got a comment from fan of casey wondering what's going on, so I figured I'd oblige :-)

First of all, I'm doing away with the song title thing like I said I would. Too hard. I'll still include a song though. A new song that I like, or an old song that's stuck in my head. Today's pick is the new single by Muse, "Madness," in honor of the release of their new album tomorrow.

The last week saw a lot of travelling. First, Ben and I took our first plane trip together, flying up to San Francisco for a long weekend. Unfortunately it was for my job, so I had to sit in meetings for much of the time. The up-side of course was getting the room and my flight paid for. The best part: I got to meet YouTube Guy! He was in town with his boyfriend of six months. It was really great meeting them and spending time with another gay couple. YouTube Guy and I have been through somewhat parallel journeys over the past year since we first connected, and we've been dating our boyfriends about the same amount of time (Ben and I are at five months in a couple days). We had an awesome time hanging out together, and they even took Ben around the city in their rental car while I was in a meeting.

One thing we did was visit the famous Castro district. Wow, is that like another world or what? Gay couples everywhere (not to mention naked dudes . . . and not of the eye candy variety) . . . Ben and I could totally walk around that part of town holding hands without a second thought. Unfortunately not all of SF was quite as tolerant. While holding hands elsewhere in the city we inadvertently walked in front of a street preacher who admonished us by shouting "One virgin man, one virgin woman! No man and man!" We just chuckled it off and kept walking. Thinking back on it later though, I realized that was the first time I've had homophobia directed at me. We were definitely more careful after that.

After San Francisco we flew back home and I went to work for one day before flying off to Upstate New York for another meeting. This trip I was unaccompanied by Ben, unfortunately. The meeting was pretty cool, it was held at a conference center in the middle of the woods. It was absolutely beautiful there, I really wished Ben could have seen it.

After I returned from NY I spent the weekend at Ben's house. His job is requiring him to do some work on weekends, which will make our weekends a little more complicated, primarily because for now I will always have to be the one to come to him. Which is better in a lot of ways since I still have a twin bed. Yes, I know. Unforgivable, right? Ha ha. Ben has trouble sleeping with such limited space, so nights are easier at his place. It does mean if I want to see him I won't have any weekends at home, and I'll spend more on gas. We'll see.

One day over the weekend I overheard Ben telling his friend about my blog (he hasn't read it, he just knows about it). I felt a little bit like my privacy was violated, but then I thought twice about that initial reaction. I never told him the fact that I keep an anonymous blog was off-limits, and he seems to think of it as a cool thing. Even so, I told him later that I didn't feel comfortable having anyone I know in person reading it (well, excluding people I've met through the blog). However, perhaps someday I'll let him read it. And I believe someone suggested that I have Ben write an entry. He'd totally be up for that. I'd just have to ask him to resist the temptation to Google a sentence from his entry to find my blog, ha ha.

Other Ben news: though his finances have been a bit shaky recently he has decided to accompany me to my parents' house in the Midwest for Thanksgiving! Super cool. It's definitely not California . . . they live in a very conservative, religious area. We're both super careful, though. It should be a lot of fun.

Okay, until next time!

Face to Face(book)

I was starting to get frustrated with the back and forth with my Facebook acquaintance. Today I logged onto Facebook at work and noticed that he was online. So, I sent him a chat message. I figured catching him live would be the best way to set up a day for us to meet. He responded, but unfortunately we're both pretty busy for the next couple weeks. He suggested just chatting online for now, so I talked to him for a little while. Too bad I was at work, because I couldn't really have an in depth conversation. It got a little awkward when he started asking me questions like "Have you ever been with a guy?" (No), "Do you find men attractive?" (Yes), "Are you nervous about being with a guy?" and "Are you just as sexually attracted to girls?" (At that point I told him it wasn't the best time for this discussion, though the answers would be Yes and No) The whole time I was chatting with him I was on edge, hopefully my coworker didn't notice too much.

He also told me a little about himself, including that he figured out he was gay between the ages of 8 and 12. How anyone figures it out that early is hard for me to understand, but I guess that's just because I only have my own experience to go off of. He described his first kiss with a guy as "intense" and "awesome." In any case, now that I've chatted with him a bit I feel more confident that a live meet-up will actually pan out, assuming our schedules ever align. I'm going to New Jersey/NYC for work later this week, but hopefully when I come back we can work something out.

This guy isn't just a random Facebook acquaintance that happens to be gay. He's actually the first openly gay guy that I ever had a crush on (though I didn't know him personally at the time). In fact, I mentioned him briefly in the very first posting on this blog. We worked in the same general vicinity and had some friends in common. I would occasionally see him at work social events, at lunch, or at the gym. I don't remember how I found out he was gay, but I remember thinking he was very attractive. One time at a social event, I happened to make eye contact with him briefly from a distance and I got butterflies. Later on I switched positions and gyms so I didn't see him anymore. However, he happened to attend a work holiday party with a friend and I finally got to meet him. I chatted a little bit with him and his friend and added them both on Facebook. I remember being so excited that I actually met him and friended him, haha.

After that we had no further contact, though I noticed through his Facebook updates that he was in a serious relationship. I still think he's hot, and am excited to meet him again in person and maybe even become friends with him. Who knows, maybe with his encouragement and/or connections I can accelerate my progress towards coming to terms with my sexuality.

Other news: I've been applying the T ointment daily in hopes of increasing my sex drive to normal levels. Hard to say if it's having an effect . . . at times I felt like maybe it was. Or maybe it was a placebo effect. Not that it matters, any change for the better would be OK with me.

I've been trying to suppress a bit of an obsessive thinking pattern regarding my age. 27 is not that old, but I feel so behind the game with sexuality (and career too). I keep wishing I was still in my early twenties. All the more reason to get these things resolved once and for all.

Finally, here's some pics of Henry Cavill. I just picked up the Men's Health with him on the cover. I'm gonna have to see "The Immortals." He's in it, and so is Kellan Lutz.

New job and an old show

I had my first day at my new job today. Same organization, different building. I think I'm going to be a lot busier at this job, which should make me feel more productive and useful. I'll also get to learn some new things, which is always good.

I almost want to tune into Survivor this season. I haven't watched it for years, but one of my favorite players ever, Ozzy Lusth, is back on (apparently they have two returning players mixed in with a bunch of newbies . . . kinda weird). Ozzy always dominates at challenges, especially ones that involve swimming. It's like he's part fish.

On that note, how about a little mini countdown? I've never been big on reality TV, but occasionally I will watch an episode (and on occasion a whole season) if there's a particular person that catches my interest . . . or my eye.

So let's start it off with Number 5 of the Hot Guys of Reality TV: Ozzy!

ABCs and Job Craziness

First of all, if you live in Southern California, check out 100.3 The Sound. I've liked the station for quite a while, but they really won me over this past week with their A to Z playlist. They've been going through a catalog of more than 2000 songs, all in alphabetical order. It's like heaven for the slightly obsessive compulsive music lover in all of us. Or just me. Right now they're playing "Your Wildest Dreams" by The Moody Blues, and right before was "Your Time is Gonna Come" by Led Zeppelin. Alas . . . we're nearing the end of the Y's and I can't imagine there will be very many Z songs . . .

Anyways . . . last week was nuts. Over the weekend I moved into a new place. Monday, I was informed by my boss that I was getting laid off in two weeks. I was understandably quite flustered by this (oo, now it's "You're All I've Got Tonight" by the Cars . . . sorry, distraction).

Wednesday, I was informed of another open position at the place I work. Thursday I went to talk to talk to the person who would be my supervisor, which went well. So now I'm being offered that position. Same pay, but more responsibilities and it sounds like it will be more interesting. So what started out as an extremely bad situation actually seems like it might work out for the best.

This past weekend started out uneventful. But on Saturday my cousin from Nor Cal gave me a call and told me he would be coming down to LA . . . the next day. So I ended up hanging out with my two cousins (the other lives down here) for the holiday. We went to Magic Mountain, which was a nice break.

Now I'm in my last week at my current position, so I need to wrap things up and get ready to start my new job. All this while I still try to form the plan of my next steps. Hopefully the new job will be a smooth transition.

"You're So Vain" by Carly Simon. I knew that one was coming.

Back so soon?

Hello blog, it's been a while. I bet you thought I had abandoned you, huh? Not quite yet. The issues that were preventing me from having the time/mental resources to deal with this sexuality thing have been resolved, at least for now. I found a new job, which I've been at for a few weeks. Not going super smoothly so far but I'm settling in. I miss my old job, especially the people since I got along so well with them, but I'm sure this one will grow on me. And the pay is better, which is always good. Grad school is now at least two years away (a requirement of the job). Which is probably for the best, since I still wasn't feeling super confident about what program I wanted to apply to.

So now that those pressing issues are off the table, my mind wanders back to what I tend to refer to as "Issue X". The X representing the fact that it's something I'm so uncomfortable with I can barely admit it to myself.

Today I reached a point where I felt pretty confident in saying "Yes, I am bisexual", instead of "I think I may be bisexual." Hard to write off the evidence. I hesitate to go farther and say I'm gay, since I still feel that the potential is there to have feelings for a girl, since it has happened in the past. So now I'll have to consider what my next step should be. I think I need to have another talk with my mom. We still haven't talked about it since the first and only time. I might consider talking to some of my more socially liberal friends at some point. Of course, that's how I feel today, and just like I sometimes waver on the type of grad program I'm gravitating to on any given day, this might just be subject to change. We'll see.

The other day I was home and was discussing the propositions that will be voted on in November, including Prop 8. Yes on 8 will define marriage as being between a man and a woman in the state of California. I went through all the Props to get my mom and dad's opinions on them, to help me decide how I might vote. When we got to that one my dad voted Yes (expected) but my mom said No. Now, I'm not sure whether that had anything to do with our talk earlier in the year opening the possibility of me being gay or bi, but it was nice to hear nonetheless. Means she is a lot more accepting of homosexuality than my dad. He'll be a challenge, should it come to that.

I watched the debate between McCain and Obama earlier (most of it, anyway). Pretty entertaining. Apparently the consensus is that it was a tie, but overall was better for Obama since foreign policy is supposed to be McCain's strong suit. It will be interested to watch Palin vs. Biden next week (assuming I can stand to tape "Supernatural" that is, haha).

Wow, it's late. So much for going to bed early tonight, that never seems to work out. Later.

Testing, 1 2 3

So this is just a little experiment, at least for now. I need to feel like I’m making progress, and starting this blog seems like it might be at least somewhat productive. I have no idea how often I will feel like updating this thing, nor how long I’ll stick with it. Seems pretty common for people to quit these things quite suddenly. I’ve had a blog before, but it devolved into a “What did I do today?” type of thing. The lack of anonymity meant that I was always censoring myself until what was left was pretty boring (as if this blog will have you on the edge of your seat, haha). So now I’m trying an anonymous blog, at least for a little while, to try to sort through some things. Not the most original idea, but worth a try.

I’m going to just go by B for now. I am at a time of my life that some call the quarter-life crisis. I graduated from college a year ago and am now working my first full time job to make some money and get some experience before grad school. I am in the midst of trying to figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life. I’m hoping I will be surer by the end of the year, when I’m going to want to be applying to programs.

The main source of confusion and stress is my sexuality. I have never had a girlfriend, nor have I been on a single date. I only sort of asked out a girl once but it never panned out (she only agreed to hang out on a non-date since she was already seeing someone, then she flaked out on me). Pretty much since the beginning of college I've had an ever-growing suspicion that I might have an attraction to guys. In hindsight the attraction goes farther back. Fortunately I was not raised in a particularly religious environment, which would make it a lot harder to admit these things to myself. My family is still rather conservative though, especially on my dad’s side, which makes me nervous about the possibilities down the road. I’ve had crushes on girls before, but looking back it was never really based on physical attraction. I usually have to get to know a girl first before I get a “crush”. With guys on the other hand I tend to notice the attractive ones based on physical appearance alone. My only current “crush” happens to be a guy (that I’ve never talked to). I think a part of me is hoping against hope that I may be just far enough toward the heterosexual side of the Kinsey Scale to live a "normal" life. This article I came across discouraged me though . . . Shows how self-denial never helps anybody.

Well that’s enough for now. We’ll see how long it takes before I regret doing this and change my mind (I tend to second guess myself a lot, a very bad habit). Anyways I definitely do not plan on limiting this blog to that one topic. Lighter fare is always a good thing. Until next time.