Well, there's always that dark side to getting back into dating after a break-up. The risk of further rejection. I texted Kenny today about the prospect of going hiking on Sunday as we discussed. His response: "Hey man, you seem like a really nice and caring guy, but I've met someone else that I think I have better chemistry with, so I'm going to have to bail on Sunday."
Fucking chemistry!!! These people have no patience for relationship building, all they want is instant gratification! It's not my fault that it takes me a while to really open up and get comfortable with somebody! Well, even then I fail at chemistry. But let's not beat that dead horse.
Speaking of which, guess who I'm planning to get together with for dinner on Sunday? No, not him . . . None other than the infamous Jake the Australian. The poster child for the "no spark" text message rejection, haha. Not a date or anything. I emailed him since it had been a while and he suggested we meet up. Really nice guy, that Jake. I haven't seen him since we saw "Cabin in the Woods" together nearly a year ago. We've emailed back and forth a bit since then, and he had mentioned getting together so he could meet Ben, but that never materialized. It will be good to see him again. We've both had breakups since then, although his was after only 3 months (and was incidentally another guy I went out with from that dating website, small world).
Now that Kenny is out of the picture, I only have a couple of prospects. One is a really nice guy that I have been corresponding with for quite some time. I'll call him Jeff. He seems really cool, the only major downside is since he's not out at work (he's a teacher) he didn't have a face pic up. Hopefully I'll find him attractive when we meet. I guess this will be a test of how shallow I am, haha.
Another guy I've been corresponding with is Nathan. I'm a little wary about him though. Number one, he's 33, the other end of my acceptable age range. Number two, he texts me a lot. Which wouldn't be all that bad if he had something to say. Problem is it's a constant barrage of "good morning", "how are you", "how was your night", followed by fairly undescriptive answers when I ask him back That's been going on for a while, without him making an attempt to coordinate a meet up. Finally I texted back "So . . . we've been texting for quite a while. Did you want to meet up or something?" Ha ha, a little blunt of me, but it was getting a little irritating. I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, though. Someone's gotta be willing to do that sometimes.
One or two other people that I've conversed with a bit on the dating website, but the conversation is limited. And the one who seems the most interested also lives quite far away. Like, farther than Ben. Which I'd rather not do.
I'd love to report that my mind is in a better place. It's not. I'd love to say that the dating I've been doing has been helping me move on from Ben. It's not. In fact I'd say today I felt just about the worst I've felt. The last several guys that I've messaged, some of whom I really seemed to have a good amount in common with, never responded. After getting rejected by Kenny for the same old tired reason and browsing more profiles on the dating website, I was feeling really down on myself. My career is stalled while all of these other guys my age are either in or graduated from professional or grad school. I took so freaking long to decide what I want to do (and am still wavering a bit) that now I feel totally behind the pack. Now, I know a dating profile is obviously going to be painted with a very rosy brush (heck, I remember when I first read Ben's profile . . . a teacher who loves his job? not quite . . . not to mention the whole straight thing now). But still, everyone just seems so confident. I was well on my way to building such confidence with Ben, but now that's been shattered. I also am, for the first time since meeting Ben, resenting my sexuality. And I don't just mean the low sex drive part. I mean the affinity for guys. Ben had me not only accepting, but being proud to be in a gay relationship. Not just because I loved him so much, but because he was someone that I could talk to about hot guys I saw. Someone I could discuss gay rights with. Now a part of me wishes I could take all that coming out crap back. My happiness with him was the only reason I was able to do it in the first place. Not having the drive to have sex makes me feel like a pretender going out with guys, and I'm sure I would feel just as much of a pretender going out with girls. So if I have to fake it regardless, why not just fake it with girls? But if I tried to date girls now I would find myself with the same uphill battle that Ben is facing. What girl would date a guy who just got out of a gay relationship?
The other reason I'm down is I realize I'm still so hung up on Ben. I can't get it out of my head how happy I was, and how happy he was at the beginning. And this makes me question whether all of those people are right. I was so determined to prove the naysayers wrong, to show that you can have a friendship with an ex after being dumped . . . well I have hope it will happen eventually. I just fear it will be a lot longer than I wanted. Which sucks because I could really use all of the close friends I can get now. He arguably became my best friend over the course of the last year, but now I can't so much as text him without making him freak out. Plus, doing so would violate the sacred Rules of Getting Over a Break-Up. Though I do value what we had, and I am glad that I've actually had a relationship now, and I did learn a lot . . . part of me wishes that I hadn't gotten greedy. That I had just accepted it when he rejected me the first time. Because if I can only have one or the other I think I would rather have a lifelong friend than an eight month relationship.
Okay, two paragraphs of doom and gloom. I hate being that guy. No one will want to read this blog anymore if I'm too much of a Debbie Downer, haha. So . . . things to be thankful for!
I am thankful for my friendship with Tom. I had dinner with him earlier this evening. We talked about the way I'm feeling about the break up, and how I feel like it had more to do with Ben's psychological and emotional issues rather than any real incompatibility or lack of chemistry between us. I spoke about my jealousy of a couple of my gay friends, who have managed to find lasting relationships while mine fizzled. Tom was very understanding. He went through a very tough breakup back in 2009, and I was there to witness the aftermath. It wasn't pretty. He gave me very encouraging words and advice. He's definitely won me over lately. I used to be on the fence about him. Basically felt a major emotional asymmetry in our friendship that I long felt guilty for (Ben dared to throw this at me during our last conversation, cheap shot). Now I feel like I've connected with him in a way that I was never able to before. Maybe my heartbreak gives us that one more thing in common we needed, haha.
I am thankful for my friendship with Janice. I had dinner with her the other night. She also spoke about her previous break up, and how long it took her to get over (well, she's still not entirely over it). She also made me feel better about Ben's behavior. She acknowledged that his email was a bit rude, but she pointed out that he didn't know whether my limited attempts at contact were the start of a barrage. I told her he should know me better than that. Her response: "He doesn't know Break-Up Cal." Touche. So, my anger at the email has faded.
I am thankful for my relationships with all the other people that have helped me through this time. My mom, my cousins, my friends Rick, Philip, Lance and Nina, You-Tube Guy, El Genio and the other bloggers who read this and leave advice (especially fan of casey, your words of wisdom never fail to make me feel better and I thank you for that), penpal Mike . . . the list goes on. Even when worries surface that I will be alone, I can think of all of the love and support I have in my life and feel a little less lonely.
I will leave you with a Dr. Seuss quote that penpal Mike emailed me: "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." I will try.
