It's no surprise to me, I am my own worst enemy

My personality is driving me crazy. All this second guessing and worrying and mind changing and agonizing . . . why can't I be one of those people for whom things seem to come naturally? And why does it have to be BOTH career AND sexuality? Why can't I have just one of them be clear cut?

Sorry, I had to vent. In reality though, I'm still feeling good about my latest (and I hope to God last) mind flip. Stay tuned.

Someone at work remarked about the crazy range of careers I have researched in the past year (I stopped him before he could list them, I didn't need to hear them again). He suggested I get out and get experiences, get out of my comfort zone. I agree, and I've been trying as of late. I joined my friend's a capella group a while back, and next week I start an improv acting class I'm taking for fun (unfortunately it's held on the same night as a capella practice, so I'll have to put the latter on hold). Anything that can help me know myself better!

The latest twist

Well, I've been debating when to post this entry, since the gears are still in motion on what I'm going to write about. But, I'd like to just get it over with.

It was about a year ago when this crazy career-questioning journey began. My dreams of being a college professor began to be affected as I learned about the harsh reality of academia. I realized that if I continued to go for that goal, I would have to make sacrifices that I was not comfortable with. So at the eleventh hour, I pulled out. I researched various other jobs, mostly in health care, before deciding to stick with the teaching idea, only down a level to high school. But, I must say . . . the same thing has happened again. I don't really want to spend all that much time with going into the details of it. In the end it was a much easier decision this time around. I saw my mind going to a dark place, realized the cause was the anxiety I had about the path I had chosen, and decided that the only thing still keeping me on that path was the reluctance to look like a complete flake by changing my mind again. Luckily it wasn't long before I came to this rather obvious realization: it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about my decision. It doesn't matter if you seem completely crazy for doing it (I fear I do, haha). What I decide affects others' lives a minuscule amount. But it affects my life 100%.

Thanks to all who encouraged me to pursue teaching . . . sorry I won't be taking your advice, at least not at this time. I have no doubt that it's a great career for some people . . . but at this point it's just not what I want to do.

In any case, I'm looking at another very promising path right now. I wouldn't have backed out if I didn't have something attractive to pursue instead. I think I'll hold off on talking about it until I get a little farther, but at this point in time I feel MUCH better about it than most of the other things I've looked at. Kind of strange how I'm holding back on an anonymous blog. Anyways, how do I know this same thing won't happen again? Well, for one I'm determined to NOT let this become a recurring pattern. I know it might seem that I'm just reacting out of fear, and I admit that fear is certainly a factor. I will try to work on that. But really, I do honestly believe that there are real reasons why the paths I've flirted with up until this point were not right for me. The path I'm looking at now has some key differences from academia and teaching that I've realized are very important to me. More to come about that, once I start moving forward.

I wish there was something as exciting to report on the sexuality front. There isn't really. I just continue to monitor my feelings and stay attentive to any feelings of attraction I might have to people I interact with. I was actually quite attracted to the waiter at lunch today. He made eye contact with me a couple of times and each time it was a little exciting. Gives me hope that maybe, just maybe, I'm not as asexual as I've feared myself to be. Perhaps in the right context I can feel what so many others feel so strongly.

Anecdotes

I was thinking a bit more about the conversation I had with my friend a few weeks ago. One thing I thought was funny: she said that I "come across as asexual." Haha. Reminds me of the one roommate I had a year ago at a grad school recruitment weekend who said I was "hard to read."

This past week I attended a debate between an evangelical Christian and an atheist. It was pretty interesting, though it accomplished about as much as such debates usually do (not much). It would have been better if the atheist was as good of a speaker as the Christian. Throughout the debate I had my eye on a college guy in the row in front of me. He looked pretty young, probably 19 or 20. Very good looking. He would often snicker at things the Christian said (he said a lot of humorous things, few of them intentionally so--not that I think all arguments for religion are silly, just many of the ones he used). After the debate the college guy left while I lingered for a bit, hoping to strike up a conversation with someone since I had come alone. Alas, no opportunities really presented themselves. One of the Christian's companions did hand me a little booklet though. It was a little comic strip about the evils of homosexuality. I generously donated it to Mr. Trash Can.

Once I walked outside, I noticed that the college guy was standing by the building next door, seemingly waiting for someone. I decided to approach him, asking him if he had attended the debate (even though I clearly knew he had, haha). He was really nice, and we chatted for a few minutes. The conversation started to dwindle and he appeared ready to leave, so after introducing ourselves we parted ways. A couple thoughts came to my mind. 1) What the heck was the point of swapping first names and then leaving, never to see each other again? 2) It was good practice striking up conversation with random people. I don't think he was gay or anything, but I have been wrong before. Kind of an anti-climactic anecdote, I know. But all of these little happenings that suggest a direction in my orientation are helpful to compile.

Another one: a few days earlier I was eating dinner at a small place when a guy walked in. I could see out of the corner of my eye that he was wearing a tank top and was quite buff. I couldn't get a good look at him without turning my head though, and I didn't want to be obvious. After ordering he stopped behind me at the counter, gathering napkins and stuff. On the other side of him was the drink dispenser. So, I quickly downed my water (which was nearly full) just so I could get up and refill it, thus giving me a chance to look at him (hotness confirmed). I don't think I would have done the same with a girl.

Still, such occurrences aren't usually accompanied by stirrings in the nether regions or thoughts of passionate romping. For those of you who might read this who consider yourselves to have a normal sex drive, would this be the case for you if you saw a hot guy in public? Would you imagine him naked? Would you get aroused?

Marching on (pun intended)

Well, I got accepted to the teaching program. I'm trying to psych myself up about the profession, but me being me, there's still a lot that has me worried (especially with what's been going on in Wisconsin). Still, I greatly want a meaningful career and not just something boring that pays the bills. And I won't force myself to stay in it if after a few years I'm unhappy for some reason. I've been studying for the CSET, which has reminded me of how fascinating biology is as a whole. The past couple of years I haven't really thought much about topics such as evolution, molecular biology and genetics. Revisiting that stuff reminds me of how amazing life really is. While browsing at Barnes & Noble today I came across a Manga guide to molecular biology. It was basically an anime-style graphic novel in which the characters explain topics ranging from cell structure to DNA transcription and translation to bioengineering. Whatever it takes to get people interested, I guess, haha.

On the other front, I'm still debating my next move. I'm thinking of asking my friend to accompany me to a gay bar or something, just to see what I think of it. I really REALLY wish I had more of a sex drive. I was watching YouTube videos of various guys and their coming out stories, and so many of them said things like, "I knew I was gay since I was about 12" or "I started having sexual thoughts about guys when I hit puberty." Most of them seem to have never questioned WHETHER they were gay. It was simply a matter of accepting it and being open with it. I would love to be able to unequivocally say I'm gay. My asexual tendencies are rather paralyzing. For those who don't know what I mean when I say that, I mean sex is not a driving force for me. I don't crave it, I don't fantasize about it, and as far as I can remember I've never desired it. I'm not opposed to it, but since I'm not particularly driven to have it I worry about what it would be like to try to date someone with a normal sex drive. Men are generally more sexual than women. Gay men are already dealing with a much smaller dating pool then straight men. What would a gay-leaning asexual be left with? Is a greater physical attraction toward men reason enough to date them if you don't really desire sex with them? Of course, someone suggested in a previous comment that sometimes desire can appear in the proper context. Hopefully that's the case with me.