Reading material

I bought a bunch of books at Barnes and Noble both before and after my trip. Before were self-help books, books to help me with my current situation. One of them is called "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway." I bought this one because I recognize the role that fear had in preventing me from entering the east coast grad program. Obviously it was not the only factor, or else I wouldn't feel like it was the right thing for me to do. But it was a factor, and I want to make sure that when I figure out what I ultimately want to do, I don't get sidelined by fear. I haven't started reading it yet, but I plan to.

The other one is called "The Pathfinder: How to Choose or Change Your Career for a Lifetime of Satisfaction and Success." It's full of exercises designed to help you learn more about your own wants, needs, attributes, and interests and how to translate them into a career. I tend to do best when I have structure, so I figured I would try the book since it is a systematic way to get to the bottom of what I'm struggling with.

Another book I got recently to read for leisure. It's called "God Says No," and it's a novel about a man with same-sex attraction that gets married and ends up faking his own death to lead a gay lifestyle. Later on he spends time in a Christian ministry to try to become straight. The main theme of the book is definitely the negative consequences that arise when you try to be something you're not. Also the way blind faith ruins lives. The book didn't really help me clear up anything on the sexuality side of things. I could relate to the guy's unwanted physical attraction to guys, but not his desire to go out and do sexual things with them. Overall it was an okay read, but nothing to write home about.

I went to a wedding recently and sat next to a really beautiful girl with a nice personality. My former roommate was there and kept pressuring me to ask her to dance. She was on the verge of moving out of the country to teach, so it would have been a low risk thing to do (on the other hand, if I liked her that would suck to meet her right before her move). In the end I wussed out. But I did chat with her for a while, so that's something at least. And the fact that I found her attractive is nice, though it doesn't help to clear up the confusion, haha. For now I'll just continue living, and paying attention to who I'm attracted to and who I'm not. But I really got to start figuring this crap out, because times a-wastin'.

Into August

It's been a month and a half since my last post, and I'm proud to say, I haven't flip flopped. I am still feeling good about my decision to not do the program. The reasons behind the difficulty of the decision are also clearer to me now. The program itself was very attractive: really great school, exciting city, chance to break out of my bubble and experience new things, interesting subject, new people. But the big picture, the down-the-road stuff (i.e., the career) . . . not so appealing anymore. I needed to sacrifice the short term stuff that I was looking forward to, because that path no longer would take me where I want to go. I'm just happy I'm not regretting it. The door's not completely closed yet, since I just deferred my enrollment, but I'm 90% sure I'm going to say no when the time comes for me to tell them whether I'm coming next year.

My month of travelling was just what I needed. The trip single-handedly saved 2010 from being total crap, as it was one of the best months of my life. I'll probably write more about the trip some other time