Well, I kinda screwed up. Messed up building my new platonic friendship with Ben, at least for the time being. Rushed things too fast. Tried to be too proactive. Now I'm paying the price.
Last week's conversation left me in (relatively) high spirits. I no longer harbored a grudge against Ben for what he had done. He had acknowledged his mistakes and apologized for the hurt he had caused. I was still hurting and missing him, but I was ready to leave this sad chapter of my life behind and work toward redefining our relationship.
The next day, I realized that the one item of business that I had meant to address in our conversation had been forgotten. He had written me a check the night of the break up, but had written a future date on it to give himself time to put money in his account. I had wanted to confirm with him that it was okay to deposit it. So I texted him to confirm this.
After the break-up, a few of his close girlfriends had responded to me on Facebook with words of sympathy, and encouragement. I saw them on chat after the conversation I had with Ben, and let them know that we were back on speaking terms. I wanted to clue them into the fact that I was in a much better place than when they had last heard from me, and Ben and I would be able to be friends. Heck, I valued these people as friends of my own, since I had gotten to know them over the past year.
Friday I sent Ben an email with a link to a website. It's a forum for LGBT issues that I sometimes visit for advice, or to simply browse the topics. I had mentioned it during our conversation and wanted to be sure he had the link.
And finally, my Words with Friends game on my Ipad (for those not familiar, it's basically a computer version of Scrabble) told me that Ben had recently joined and kept asking if I wanted to challenge him to a game. As a friendly gesture, I sent him a game invite.
Apparently, these gestures were too much. Ben responded to my email saying thanks for the link and the conversation, but moving forward, he thought we should keep our distance and limit ourselves to checking in once every other month or so at most. He said any contact beyond that would stunt my healing process. He said sorry, but this was what he thought was best to make an eventual platonic friendship possible.
I took the email like a slap in the face. What the heck had I done? Was this really about Words with Friends? I texted him to request we talk about the email. He called later on, and we had what amounted to the first and only real argument we EVER had.
He said that between the text, the email, the game invite, and reaching out to his friends on Facebook, that I had basically overstepped my bounds. He was feeling uncomfortable, and was having a resurgence of the feelings from the end of our relationship. Plus, since he didn't accept the game invite, the game was sending him reminders to accept. (He thought I was manually sending those reminders, when in reality they are automatic.)
I couldn't believe me ears. I had made a conscious effort to not contact him excessively. I had not called him again since Wednesday, nor had I texted him beyond Thursday's brief, business-only text. The email was me trying to help. The game invite was meant to be a "no hard feelings" olive branch. I figured hey, if we're friends now, might as well start treating him like one.
Of course, he's been talking to people. And of course, everyone and their mother has an opinion about etiquette with exes. So whereas I am of the camp that dropping contact can sometimes be counterproductive when you're trying to maintain some sort of relationship with someone (although it might work wonders if your goal is to cut someone out of your life completely), he is of the camp where exes must basically drop off the face of the earth until some arbitrary future date, at which they might be able to be friends. He was very condescending throughout the conversation. A lot of "Cal, listen," and "Cal, here's the thing." I was left feeling like he thought I was exactly the kind of clingy psycho ex-boyfriend that I had made a point of not being. Meanwhile, sure I still have feelings for him. But I was focused on reaching out in friendly ways to get our new friendship started on the right foot.
Instead, I'm angry again, which is disappointing to me. I thought we had moved on from that. I thought there was no way that Ben could still hurt me, could still reject me. Now my whole plan to transition gradually into friendship is blown to hell. Ben and I are no longer going to meet up in LA this weekend.
Now, having had today to reflect on things (after having trouble sleeping for the first time since all of this began . . . I didn't even have trouble sleeping the night of the breakup!), I understand his position a little better (though I still think he majorly overreacted). I know that conventional wisdom states that you mustn't try to be friends until any and all feelings have dried up and died. But that's why I was going to take it slow and gradual. That's why I was going to keep tabs on my emotions and adjust accordingly. So I was greatly offended when Ben claimed to know what was best for my healing process. And I was awestruck that a text asking about a check could resurrect negative emotions from our breakup.
Bottom line: Okay, so I'm not completely over Ben. And maybe I was being over-zealous in trying to rush our relationship into the friend stage at this point. But this isn't just about my healing process. Ben obviously has some healing to do too, and I believe he doesn't want to try to be friends at this point because he feels too guilty. I do believe he is serious about being friends. As he said himself, if he wasn't serious about it he wouldn't have taken the time to talk to me and set things straight. And I appreciate his open-mindedness and willingness to do that.
Questions: Was I in the wrong? Did I push too far too fast? Was it unreasonable to at least TRY to transition to friendship at this point, even if my intent was to do it very gradually? Do you think Ben overreacted?
Where we stand now: I told him he can call me when he's ready to be friends. I suggested one of us call the other in a few weeks or a month. But at this point I know it's going to have to be him. If the slightest contact from me sets off his paranoia at this point, then I'll be much too self-conscious to reach out again until he does first. If that ever happens.
Wow. Who knew a friggin' Words with Friends invite could be taken the wrong way? Piece of work, that guy. Maybe this all is a blessing in disguise. His impulsive, reactive decision making is becoming a pattern.
Oh and don't worry. He basically promised he's not going to read the blog anymore. I do trust his word.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Lonely boy
The meaning of weekends has definitely shifted. Whereas before they were something special to look forward to, a weekly mini-vacation, now they are something to be endured. This weekend was completely uneventful. I was supposed to meet up with a friend today to play guitar, but he ended up cancelling on me due to being too busy. So both yesterday and today I basically stayed home all day, bored and lonely. Ben is lucky. He has a house full of roommates who are there a lot of the time, and who are also some of his closest friends. For me, I was home alone for most of the weekend. None of my friends give me the time of day unless I reach out first. I guess this is what happens when you spend every weekend with your significant other. Once you're broken up, you don't know what to do with yourself on the weekends anymore.
Next weekend should be more eventful. As I said before, I'm planning on going up to LA to attend a party. While I'm up there I plan to meet up with my cousin Roger, my friend Lance, and Ben. I'm thinking maybe we can all go hiking together or something.
I've been corresponding with several guys from the dating website. There's one that I like quite a bit, I'm looking forward to meeting up with him. There are several others that I've been texting back and forth with.
I know that in order to truly move on after a break up, you have to kill whatever hope you have of getting back together. I guess my problem is I see the break up as being more due to Ben's current state of mind rather than any fundamental incompatibility between us. I can't help but hope that once he satisfies his curiosity about dating girls he will decide he wants a guy after all and will come back to me. Realistically, I know that even if he goes back to guys, that won't change the fact that he didn't feel strong enough feelings for me. So even though I was the "whole package" and we "looked good on paper," there is something about me that fails to ring his bell. And even if he wanted to give me another shot, I'm not sure it would be wise for me to accept. He's already rejected me twice before. How foolish I would feel to be rejected a third time by the same person. He would definitely have to convince me that things were different.
The last month has seen the resurgence of a lot of my sexuality confusion. After browsing on internet forums, it seems that a term that describes me pretty well is "demisexual." Basically, it means that I don't have interest in sex outside of a serious relationship. I need strong emotional feelings for someone in order to have any sort of drive (and even then the drive is low). The good part of that, obviously, is I won't have to worry about being tempted to cheat, or be promiscuous. The downside is it makes it hard to know who to pursue. I guess I really do just need to focus on meeting people and making friends first. If someone catches my attention like Ben did, then I'll go from there.
Next weekend should be more eventful. As I said before, I'm planning on going up to LA to attend a party. While I'm up there I plan to meet up with my cousin Roger, my friend Lance, and Ben. I'm thinking maybe we can all go hiking together or something.
I've been corresponding with several guys from the dating website. There's one that I like quite a bit, I'm looking forward to meeting up with him. There are several others that I've been texting back and forth with.
I know that in order to truly move on after a break up, you have to kill whatever hope you have of getting back together. I guess my problem is I see the break up as being more due to Ben's current state of mind rather than any fundamental incompatibility between us. I can't help but hope that once he satisfies his curiosity about dating girls he will decide he wants a guy after all and will come back to me. Realistically, I know that even if he goes back to guys, that won't change the fact that he didn't feel strong enough feelings for me. So even though I was the "whole package" and we "looked good on paper," there is something about me that fails to ring his bell. And even if he wanted to give me another shot, I'm not sure it would be wise for me to accept. He's already rejected me twice before. How foolish I would feel to be rejected a third time by the same person. He would definitely have to convince me that things were different.
The last month has seen the resurgence of a lot of my sexuality confusion. After browsing on internet forums, it seems that a term that describes me pretty well is "demisexual." Basically, it means that I don't have interest in sex outside of a serious relationship. I need strong emotional feelings for someone in order to have any sort of drive (and even then the drive is low). The good part of that, obviously, is I won't have to worry about being tempted to cheat, or be promiscuous. The downside is it makes it hard to know who to pursue. I guess I really do just need to focus on meeting people and making friends first. If someone catches my attention like Ben did, then I'll go from there.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Peace of mind
I broke No Contact. I didn't quite make it 30 days. And I couldn't be happier.
The waiting game was really starting to weigh on me. I was continuing to have dreams involving Ben. Except he was never actually in the dream. His presence was heavily felt, but he never physically appeared. All day long I would continue to ruminate about the lingering issues. I would browse the internet for articles and forums about break ups and the No Contact Rule. Finally I came across a relationship website that was highly critical of the No Contact Rule, especially when you wish to be friends with your ex. A lot of the articles made a lot of sense to me, and I decided I'd had enough of this No Contact foolishness.
So earlier this evening, I called Ben. Voice mail. I chickened out before leaving a message, so I texted him to let him know I was just calling to see how he was doing. A little later he texted me back saying he needed to run errands but he would call me around 10:30. He called just about then. We just got off the phone a couple minutes ago. It's 12:30.
My plan going into the conversation was to keep things simple. I wanted to start off our new friend era on a positive note, and that meant not beating the dead horse of our relationship. I would get my lingering issues addressed at a later date.
That plan didn't last. Not long into the conversation (but after he revealed he had finally gotten a job, whoo hoo!) he admitted to something that I found rather surprising . . . he's been reading this blog.
As I mentioned at the end of the last entry, I didn't think it was likely that he was reading it. I figured he would be moving on, that he wouldn't care what was going on with me. Well, turns out he did care. Since he was allowing me my space to heal in my No Contact bubble, he was reading the blog to "check up" on me. I immediately felt bad about all of the rather . . . strong things I said about him, but he insisted I had no need to apologize.
At this point it became clear to me that my plan for having the "relationship post mortem" conversation in person was not going to pan out. This was the time. And so, over the next two hours, we talked about everything. Every one of the three major hurtful things was addressed.
1) Him keeping his waning feelings a secret: he acknowledged that he had not handled this properly. I explained to him that he ideally should have told me much sooner, long before he felt the relationship was on its last legs (but not too soon either, you don't know at first whether the way you're feeling is temporary or not).
2) The four day turn around: he apologized that the end came so suddenly for me. I acknowledged my understanding that he is a very proactive and decisive person, which played a role in this.
3) The OkCupid profile: he admitted that he created the profile not because he was over the relationship already, but because he was looking for social interaction to fill the void left by my sudden departure from his life (no more weekend visits, no more daily phone calls).
He says he indeed went through a period of melancholy after things ended between us. He says that his feelings were indeed sincere. He also said that part of the reason he is focusing on dating girls right now is because he is questioning his capability of feeling the right kind of romantic feelings for a guy. He feels that I really was the whole package otherwise, and so if he couldn't feel strong enough love for me then he might not be able to feel it for any guy. With the girls he's dated in the past, his level of emotional attachment was a lot stronger. He changed his OkCupid status to "straight" because he was not getting any responses while he was labeled "bisexual." However, he says he will be up-front and honest about it after meeting in person. He recognizes that it will be an uphill battle finding a girl who is okay with this.
During our conversation, I basically decided to go for broke, throw all that break up advice out the window. Don't tell me not to talk about the past relationship with my ex. I'm gonna talk it to death dammit! I asked him every question I could think of that I'd been wanting to ask.
"What was the breaking point?" Answer: He's not sure. It was a gradual thing. I think he eventually just took the opportunity to address it with me when it came.
"Was I not sexual enough?" Answer: This was not an issue for him.
"Was it the affection discrepancy?" Answer: No . . . he just attributed this to me being an overall more affectionate person. So when he explained it by saying it was his personality and not me . . . that was the truth.
"What are you going to look for in future relationships?" Answer: He may start following his initial intuitions. This made me a little said, because if he had done that with me we never would have had our relationship at all. I told him I don't think this is always wise. Instead he should take it on a case by case basis. Sometimes attraction is immediate. Sometimes it needs time to grow, if the person is promising. I don't think we were doomed to fail from the start. Circumstances, timing, where we are in our lives . . . whatever . . . simply got in the way.
"Where do we go from here?" Answer: We made tentative plans to meet up when I'm in LA in two weeks. A fellow blogger invited me to a party, and I think I will go. Will Ben be invited? Ehhh . . . might be awkward to go with my ex.
When I next see Ben, I will just have to try to keep my feelings in check. But I figure a trial and error process is in order. If I enjoy my time with him and don't get too sad or obsessive, then I'll continue on accordingly. If my emotions start messing with me though . . . then it's time to step back a bit.
So where do we stand? Well, Ben is truly remorseful for the pain he has caused. He genuinely likes me and feels blessed to have me in his life. I feel the same about him. He really does think highly of me, he's just finding himself still. His goal is to move ahead with his career while continuing on his journey of discovery in his personal life. I plan to support him every step of the way. Navigating this dating world is so daunting at times . . . I'm glad I don't have to face it alone.
I guess I'm not the only one who is All Mixed up in CA.
The waiting game was really starting to weigh on me. I was continuing to have dreams involving Ben. Except he was never actually in the dream. His presence was heavily felt, but he never physically appeared. All day long I would continue to ruminate about the lingering issues. I would browse the internet for articles and forums about break ups and the No Contact Rule. Finally I came across a relationship website that was highly critical of the No Contact Rule, especially when you wish to be friends with your ex. A lot of the articles made a lot of sense to me, and I decided I'd had enough of this No Contact foolishness.
So earlier this evening, I called Ben. Voice mail. I chickened out before leaving a message, so I texted him to let him know I was just calling to see how he was doing. A little later he texted me back saying he needed to run errands but he would call me around 10:30. He called just about then. We just got off the phone a couple minutes ago. It's 12:30.
My plan going into the conversation was to keep things simple. I wanted to start off our new friend era on a positive note, and that meant not beating the dead horse of our relationship. I would get my lingering issues addressed at a later date.
That plan didn't last. Not long into the conversation (but after he revealed he had finally gotten a job, whoo hoo!) he admitted to something that I found rather surprising . . . he's been reading this blog.
As I mentioned at the end of the last entry, I didn't think it was likely that he was reading it. I figured he would be moving on, that he wouldn't care what was going on with me. Well, turns out he did care. Since he was allowing me my space to heal in my No Contact bubble, he was reading the blog to "check up" on me. I immediately felt bad about all of the rather . . . strong things I said about him, but he insisted I had no need to apologize.
At this point it became clear to me that my plan for having the "relationship post mortem" conversation in person was not going to pan out. This was the time. And so, over the next two hours, we talked about everything. Every one of the three major hurtful things was addressed.
1) Him keeping his waning feelings a secret: he acknowledged that he had not handled this properly. I explained to him that he ideally should have told me much sooner, long before he felt the relationship was on its last legs (but not too soon either, you don't know at first whether the way you're feeling is temporary or not).
2) The four day turn around: he apologized that the end came so suddenly for me. I acknowledged my understanding that he is a very proactive and decisive person, which played a role in this.
3) The OkCupid profile: he admitted that he created the profile not because he was over the relationship already, but because he was looking for social interaction to fill the void left by my sudden departure from his life (no more weekend visits, no more daily phone calls).
He says he indeed went through a period of melancholy after things ended between us. He says that his feelings were indeed sincere. He also said that part of the reason he is focusing on dating girls right now is because he is questioning his capability of feeling the right kind of romantic feelings for a guy. He feels that I really was the whole package otherwise, and so if he couldn't feel strong enough love for me then he might not be able to feel it for any guy. With the girls he's dated in the past, his level of emotional attachment was a lot stronger. He changed his OkCupid status to "straight" because he was not getting any responses while he was labeled "bisexual." However, he says he will be up-front and honest about it after meeting in person. He recognizes that it will be an uphill battle finding a girl who is okay with this.
During our conversation, I basically decided to go for broke, throw all that break up advice out the window. Don't tell me not to talk about the past relationship with my ex. I'm gonna talk it to death dammit! I asked him every question I could think of that I'd been wanting to ask.
"What was the breaking point?" Answer: He's not sure. It was a gradual thing. I think he eventually just took the opportunity to address it with me when it came.
"Was I not sexual enough?" Answer: This was not an issue for him.
"Was it the affection discrepancy?" Answer: No . . . he just attributed this to me being an overall more affectionate person. So when he explained it by saying it was his personality and not me . . . that was the truth.
"What are you going to look for in future relationships?" Answer: He may start following his initial intuitions. This made me a little said, because if he had done that with me we never would have had our relationship at all. I told him I don't think this is always wise. Instead he should take it on a case by case basis. Sometimes attraction is immediate. Sometimes it needs time to grow, if the person is promising. I don't think we were doomed to fail from the start. Circumstances, timing, where we are in our lives . . . whatever . . . simply got in the way.
"Where do we go from here?" Answer: We made tentative plans to meet up when I'm in LA in two weeks. A fellow blogger invited me to a party, and I think I will go. Will Ben be invited? Ehhh . . . might be awkward to go with my ex.
When I next see Ben, I will just have to try to keep my feelings in check. But I figure a trial and error process is in order. If I enjoy my time with him and don't get too sad or obsessive, then I'll continue on accordingly. If my emotions start messing with me though . . . then it's time to step back a bit.
So where do we stand? Well, Ben is truly remorseful for the pain he has caused. He genuinely likes me and feels blessed to have me in his life. I feel the same about him. He really does think highly of me, he's just finding himself still. His goal is to move ahead with his career while continuing on his journey of discovery in his personal life. I plan to support him every step of the way. Navigating this dating world is so daunting at times . . . I'm glad I don't have to face it alone.
I guess I'm not the only one who is All Mixed up in CA.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
She'll never be your man
Hello everyone.
It's been more than 3 weeks since the break-up. I still haven't had any contact with Ben. I'm holding out at least one more week, and even then I think it will just be a brief call for starters. The pain is still too great and I miss him too much.
I went up to LA for the first time since the break-up yesterday, for a friend's birthday. We spent the whole day and much of the night walking around downtown LA. It was a lot of fun, except passing so many places I had been with Ben was quite difficult, as was knowing that his house was a 10 minute drive from where we were. The night kind of ended up a bust . . . a friend of a friend who was in the group got wasted and kicked out of the bar we were in . . . then wouldn't get let into any other bars. By the end of the night I was tired and feeling really sad.
One interesting thing about the day . . . another friend of a friend tagged along who was pretty cute. Turns out he's gay and newly out. I chatted with him quite a bit. Nice guy, just moved over from Europe. Mixed ethnicity (just like Ben, oh boy). He added me on Facebook and asked me to drop him a line next time I'm up in LA. At the very least, I have a new LA buddy!
I've started chatting and meeting up with guys from the dating site again. I met up with one Thursday night at a local bar. We've been Facebook friends since last year, but never met up in person. He knew about my breakup and so it was more of a friend get-together than an actual date. He was really cool. Slightly on the feminine-acting side, which I don't always find attractive, but then again Ben had a little bit of that too and I grew to like it. We had a great conversation, and he has a really good sense of humor. I think I'll be seeing him again.
Today I went on a date with a guy who is quite a bit younger than me (by five years). He's really cute and nice, but I didn't really feel the right "chemistry" (oh great, now I'm saying it). He was a bit on the quiet side, and a little too boyish for me. I don't want to date someone who still looks like a teenager. I also need someone a bit more outgoing, who can carry on a conversation without me having to do most of the work. Too many awkward silences. Still, a really nice guy and I wouldn't mind seeing him again. He texted me afterward to see if I would be interested in meeting up again. I said yes, but with the caveat that it would have to be as friends.
There's another guy I've been chatting with who I like quite a lot. Based on his messages he seems like he would be quite talkative and funny. We've made plans to go hiking at some point. I think I will wait at least a week if not more. I want to take things slow for now since I'm still hurting from my break-up.
Oh, and curiosity got the better of me. I checked Ben's profile on the dating website after it disappeared from my search results. Now he's listed as "straight." I assume this is because he figures it will be easier for him to meet up with girls that way than if he's listed as "bisexual". Then I presume he would tell them the truth a couple dates in. Still, a pattern is definitely emerging. For someone who supposedly values honesty, he is definitely not above fudging the truth to make things easier for himself. Whether it's telling me the relationship is going well for him (until he's ready to tell the truth . . . too late) or labeling himself as straight on the website. Basically, he's honest but only on his own terms and in his own time. Let's see how far that gets him in future relationships.
I'm working under the assumption that Ben does not read this even though I gave him the link. I figure he doesn't care enough to read it. If he does . . . well, feel free to announce yourself in the comments. Sorry for all the harsh words but . . . well you kinda deserve them. At the same time, I really feel sorry for you and the confused state you must be in about what you want. Believe me, as you may be able to tell from the title of this blog I am no stranger to confusion. If only you had opened up to me about this sooner, we could have talked about things and maybe I could have helped you start to sort things out. Maybe someday I will still get that chance. But before that happens, before we can be friends . . . I'm going to have to learn to trust you again.
It's been more than 3 weeks since the break-up. I still haven't had any contact with Ben. I'm holding out at least one more week, and even then I think it will just be a brief call for starters. The pain is still too great and I miss him too much.
I went up to LA for the first time since the break-up yesterday, for a friend's birthday. We spent the whole day and much of the night walking around downtown LA. It was a lot of fun, except passing so many places I had been with Ben was quite difficult, as was knowing that his house was a 10 minute drive from where we were. The night kind of ended up a bust . . . a friend of a friend who was in the group got wasted and kicked out of the bar we were in . . . then wouldn't get let into any other bars. By the end of the night I was tired and feeling really sad.
One interesting thing about the day . . . another friend of a friend tagged along who was pretty cute. Turns out he's gay and newly out. I chatted with him quite a bit. Nice guy, just moved over from Europe. Mixed ethnicity (just like Ben, oh boy). He added me on Facebook and asked me to drop him a line next time I'm up in LA. At the very least, I have a new LA buddy!
I've started chatting and meeting up with guys from the dating site again. I met up with one Thursday night at a local bar. We've been Facebook friends since last year, but never met up in person. He knew about my breakup and so it was more of a friend get-together than an actual date. He was really cool. Slightly on the feminine-acting side, which I don't always find attractive, but then again Ben had a little bit of that too and I grew to like it. We had a great conversation, and he has a really good sense of humor. I think I'll be seeing him again.
Today I went on a date with a guy who is quite a bit younger than me (by five years). He's really cute and nice, but I didn't really feel the right "chemistry" (oh great, now I'm saying it). He was a bit on the quiet side, and a little too boyish for me. I don't want to date someone who still looks like a teenager. I also need someone a bit more outgoing, who can carry on a conversation without me having to do most of the work. Too many awkward silences. Still, a really nice guy and I wouldn't mind seeing him again. He texted me afterward to see if I would be interested in meeting up again. I said yes, but with the caveat that it would have to be as friends.
There's another guy I've been chatting with who I like quite a lot. Based on his messages he seems like he would be quite talkative and funny. We've made plans to go hiking at some point. I think I will wait at least a week if not more. I want to take things slow for now since I'm still hurting from my break-up.
Oh, and curiosity got the better of me. I checked Ben's profile on the dating website after it disappeared from my search results. Now he's listed as "straight." I assume this is because he figures it will be easier for him to meet up with girls that way than if he's listed as "bisexual". Then I presume he would tell them the truth a couple dates in. Still, a pattern is definitely emerging. For someone who supposedly values honesty, he is definitely not above fudging the truth to make things easier for himself. Whether it's telling me the relationship is going well for him (until he's ready to tell the truth . . . too late) or labeling himself as straight on the website. Basically, he's honest but only on his own terms and in his own time. Let's see how far that gets him in future relationships.
I'm working under the assumption that Ben does not read this even though I gave him the link. I figure he doesn't care enough to read it. If he does . . . well, feel free to announce yourself in the comments. Sorry for all the harsh words but . . . well you kinda deserve them. At the same time, I really feel sorry for you and the confused state you must be in about what you want. Believe me, as you may be able to tell from the title of this blog I am no stranger to confusion. If only you had opened up to me about this sooner, we could have talked about things and maybe I could have helped you start to sort things out. Maybe someday I will still get that chance. But before that happens, before we can be friends . . . I'm going to have to learn to trust you again.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Communication breakdown
My anger has faded. Now I'm back on the path toward acceptance.
A few days ago I logged into Facebook and got a message in my news feed that Ben had changed his relationship status to "Single." I had already removed "In a Relationship" from my profile, but I did it in secret. Ben didn't think to do that, so his status change went out to all his friends. So I went and made my status "Single" so it would show up on news feeds too. Yeah, I know. Silly me.
Anyways, my uncle and aunt called me a little while ago to express their sympathy over the dissolution of my relationship. They learned about it from that Facebook post. I appreciated that soooo much! This is the uncle and aunt that are the parents of my three cousins (aka, my best friends in the world), but are also the very conservative, Fox News watching relatives that I had been worried about coming out to. So for them to call me like that made me feel very loved and accepted. They were sad that they never got to meet Ben, especially after hearing such great things about him from those who had (my parents, my cousins, and me of course).
The other night I was browsing on the dating website and was randomly messaged by a guy in Georgia. Turns out the guy just wanted conversation, and we ended up getting into quite an interesting one. He's two months into a relationship, and he finds himself in Ben's shoes. He feels that his boyfriend is way more into him than he is. I advised him to be honest and open about his feelings, and to not lead his boyfriend on by pretending everything is okay when it's not. But since they're only two months in, I also encouraged him to give it some time. I told him about my plan to reach out to Ben eventually, probably after a month of zero contact. He didn't think a month was enough time at all, especially since the breakup was one-sided.
Heck, everyone seems to have an opinion about this. How long should the "No Contact" period last after a break-up? I've read several answers to this question on the internet. Some say a month. Some say two months. Some say half the length of the relationship (which in my case would be more like four months). And then there are those that say forever, that you should just move on and not even try to be friends with an ex. I can't stand people who say that. Everyone's different, every relationship is different, and every breakup is different. To say that exes should never try to be friends is such a ridiculous generalization.
How I'm approaching it now: 30 days is not set in stone. Instead, I will assess how I feel around that time, after it's been about a month since the split. I will probably give him a call to see how he's doing and just take things from there. My feelings will then determine whether and when I see him again. Of course, it would be great if he was the first one to reach out . . . that would prove to me he really does want to be friends. But I sincerely doubt that will happen. The ball's gonna have to be in my court.
I do think that before a friendship is possible we are going to have to have a conversation. I want to talk about the things that hurt me the most about the breakup. Namely, 1) the fact that he kept his feelings (or lack thereof) to himself for so long, and was dishonest when I would ask him how he felt about the relationship; 2) the very quick turnaround time between him finally telling me about his issues and breaking things off; and 3) putting up a dating profile just a week (or less) after we broke up.
I just spent several hours watching video clips of the Will and Sonny story line from Days of Our Lives. I want what they have. I want to be with someone who not only says he loves me, but means it . . . and shows it. I don't want to find myself second-guessing about my partner's feelings. I shouldn't have to.
A few days ago I logged into Facebook and got a message in my news feed that Ben had changed his relationship status to "Single." I had already removed "In a Relationship" from my profile, but I did it in secret. Ben didn't think to do that, so his status change went out to all his friends. So I went and made my status "Single" so it would show up on news feeds too. Yeah, I know. Silly me.
Anyways, my uncle and aunt called me a little while ago to express their sympathy over the dissolution of my relationship. They learned about it from that Facebook post. I appreciated that soooo much! This is the uncle and aunt that are the parents of my three cousins (aka, my best friends in the world), but are also the very conservative, Fox News watching relatives that I had been worried about coming out to. So for them to call me like that made me feel very loved and accepted. They were sad that they never got to meet Ben, especially after hearing such great things about him from those who had (my parents, my cousins, and me of course).
The other night I was browsing on the dating website and was randomly messaged by a guy in Georgia. Turns out the guy just wanted conversation, and we ended up getting into quite an interesting one. He's two months into a relationship, and he finds himself in Ben's shoes. He feels that his boyfriend is way more into him than he is. I advised him to be honest and open about his feelings, and to not lead his boyfriend on by pretending everything is okay when it's not. But since they're only two months in, I also encouraged him to give it some time. I told him about my plan to reach out to Ben eventually, probably after a month of zero contact. He didn't think a month was enough time at all, especially since the breakup was one-sided.
Heck, everyone seems to have an opinion about this. How long should the "No Contact" period last after a break-up? I've read several answers to this question on the internet. Some say a month. Some say two months. Some say half the length of the relationship (which in my case would be more like four months). And then there are those that say forever, that you should just move on and not even try to be friends with an ex. I can't stand people who say that. Everyone's different, every relationship is different, and every breakup is different. To say that exes should never try to be friends is such a ridiculous generalization.
How I'm approaching it now: 30 days is not set in stone. Instead, I will assess how I feel around that time, after it's been about a month since the split. I will probably give him a call to see how he's doing and just take things from there. My feelings will then determine whether and when I see him again. Of course, it would be great if he was the first one to reach out . . . that would prove to me he really does want to be friends. But I sincerely doubt that will happen. The ball's gonna have to be in my court.
I do think that before a friendship is possible we are going to have to have a conversation. I want to talk about the things that hurt me the most about the breakup. Namely, 1) the fact that he kept his feelings (or lack thereof) to himself for so long, and was dishonest when I would ask him how he felt about the relationship; 2) the very quick turnaround time between him finally telling me about his issues and breaking things off; and 3) putting up a dating profile just a week (or less) after we broke up.
I just spent several hours watching video clips of the Will and Sonny story line from Days of Our Lives. I want what they have. I want to be with someone who not only says he loves me, but means it . . . and shows it. I don't want to find myself second-guessing about my partner's feelings. I shouldn't have to.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Smash!!!
Be warned . . . Angry SoCalRockFan has been unleashed!!
I was feeling pretty good for most of the day. I thought to myself, "Well, I'm definitely out of the Denial Stage. And even though I'm still bouncing between Sadness and Anger, they're a little weaker each time. I'm making progress!" So I got home and started browsing on a dating site to take a look for any prospects. I don't think I'm quite ready to meet up with anyone, but I just wanted to look. As I looked I began to get sadder and sadder. "Wow, Ben's so much better looking than most of these guys. Man, some of these guys sound like they have very little in common with me. God, I miss Ben. Aw man, how come all the most interesting guys are so far from my area? Well I'd commute if they were worth it. Like Ben." And then it hit me. KAPOW! Ben's face. Staring at me from a shiny new profile, with the words "Online Now". I resisted the urge to click on it (he'd be able to tell). Instead I buried my face in my bed covers and cried for the first time in a week. Not as hard . . . not as long . . . but still I cried. And not just the sadness returned. The anger returned too. I cussed him out, calling him cold, uncaring, heartless . . . accusing him of being out on the prowl for another guy's heart to break. No wonder the turn around between him telling me about his problems and him dumping me was so quick, he couldn't wait to get back out there!
Why this emotional reaction? Perhaps it was the simple realization that he was back out on the market again, lost to me. Or perhaps it was a feeling of betrayal, since he had told me he was going to focus on career right now and didn't seem to be in a hurry to resume dating. Or maybe it was because I had finally started to come to terms with the break-up by convincing myself that Ben was simply not at the stage of maturity where he was ready for a long-term relationship (well, that's still probably true). Maybe my anger is simply due to the fact that the finality of the breakup is confirmed, like finding an obituary in the paper after you heard from someone that your good friend has died.
And I see his profile carries the label "bisexual." He had mentioned that the thought of dating girls again had crossed his mind. Not to come across as biphobic . . . but this experience has made me a little leery of dating bisexual guys. I feel like he used me for dating experience and then jettisoned me when my usefulness had expired. This is exactly why I wanted to figure out whether I wanted guys or girls before getting into a serious relationship, so I wouldn't do this to somebody.
Of course, I was on the site browsing too. But I already had the profile from a year ago. I have no intention to go on dates anytime soon. I'm pretty sure Ben didn't use that particular site before. In fact, I am probably the one who told him about it. So he just made a brand new profile, a week and a half after breaking up with his boyfriend of nearly 9 months. I assume he at least waited until then! Not that he has any healing to do.
Now is my anger rational? Maybe not. He's single, he has every right to be on that site. And so he fibbed about wanting to focus on work for a while . . . or he changed his mind. What was he supposed to say, "Well SoCal, I plan to immediately return to dating so I can find someone better." And yes, it's a safe bet that he's not hurting too much over the loss of our relationship. After all, he had several months of waning feelings to prepare himself for it. Be careful guys, this one's a fickle one!
I really do feel like a recovering addict. I just fell off the wagon so now I have to climb back up. At this point a friendship with Ben seems a lot harder to pull off than it did initially . . . although I really want it to work out. BUT, I only want it to if HE actually wants it. And right now I have no idea how he feels about me. I feel like the last several months were all a lie. I know he "admires" me, but I don't know if he "likes" me. I don't know if he'd miss me at all if he never heard from me again. I guess I just feel totally rejected, and even though he said he wants to be friends, I'm not sure whether to believe it. Heck, I believed all that "I love you" nonsense which HE instigated (hope he learns to throw those words around with more caution in the future . . . hard to believe he really meant it if we didn't have any "chemistry"). And . . . I'm not sure how painful it will be for me to try to be friends with him. I know if it can work it's going to have to be a slow, gradual process. I guess I'll just have to take it a step at a time, after at least a couple more weeks of zero contact.
Ugh, sorry for the anger fest. I'm just sick of hurting! Suddenly the lyrics of something like 50% of popular music make so much more sense to me. I'm so angry at the guy, but I miss him so much! I feel like a piece of myself was ripped out and the wound is slowly healing. I just need to learn to stop picking at the scab. Eeew . . . okay that's a gross metaphor.
I was feeling pretty good for most of the day. I thought to myself, "Well, I'm definitely out of the Denial Stage. And even though I'm still bouncing between Sadness and Anger, they're a little weaker each time. I'm making progress!" So I got home and started browsing on a dating site to take a look for any prospects. I don't think I'm quite ready to meet up with anyone, but I just wanted to look. As I looked I began to get sadder and sadder. "Wow, Ben's so much better looking than most of these guys. Man, some of these guys sound like they have very little in common with me. God, I miss Ben. Aw man, how come all the most interesting guys are so far from my area? Well I'd commute if they were worth it. Like Ben." And then it hit me. KAPOW! Ben's face. Staring at me from a shiny new profile, with the words "Online Now". I resisted the urge to click on it (he'd be able to tell). Instead I buried my face in my bed covers and cried for the first time in a week. Not as hard . . . not as long . . . but still I cried. And not just the sadness returned. The anger returned too. I cussed him out, calling him cold, uncaring, heartless . . . accusing him of being out on the prowl for another guy's heart to break. No wonder the turn around between him telling me about his problems and him dumping me was so quick, he couldn't wait to get back out there!
Why this emotional reaction? Perhaps it was the simple realization that he was back out on the market again, lost to me. Or perhaps it was a feeling of betrayal, since he had told me he was going to focus on career right now and didn't seem to be in a hurry to resume dating. Or maybe it was because I had finally started to come to terms with the break-up by convincing myself that Ben was simply not at the stage of maturity where he was ready for a long-term relationship (well, that's still probably true). Maybe my anger is simply due to the fact that the finality of the breakup is confirmed, like finding an obituary in the paper after you heard from someone that your good friend has died.
And I see his profile carries the label "bisexual." He had mentioned that the thought of dating girls again had crossed his mind. Not to come across as biphobic . . . but this experience has made me a little leery of dating bisexual guys. I feel like he used me for dating experience and then jettisoned me when my usefulness had expired. This is exactly why I wanted to figure out whether I wanted guys or girls before getting into a serious relationship, so I wouldn't do this to somebody.
Of course, I was on the site browsing too. But I already had the profile from a year ago. I have no intention to go on dates anytime soon. I'm pretty sure Ben didn't use that particular site before. In fact, I am probably the one who told him about it. So he just made a brand new profile, a week and a half after breaking up with his boyfriend of nearly 9 months. I assume he at least waited until then! Not that he has any healing to do.
Now is my anger rational? Maybe not. He's single, he has every right to be on that site. And so he fibbed about wanting to focus on work for a while . . . or he changed his mind. What was he supposed to say, "Well SoCal, I plan to immediately return to dating so I can find someone better." And yes, it's a safe bet that he's not hurting too much over the loss of our relationship. After all, he had several months of waning feelings to prepare himself for it. Be careful guys, this one's a fickle one!
I really do feel like a recovering addict. I just fell off the wagon so now I have to climb back up. At this point a friendship with Ben seems a lot harder to pull off than it did initially . . . although I really want it to work out. BUT, I only want it to if HE actually wants it. And right now I have no idea how he feels about me. I feel like the last several months were all a lie. I know he "admires" me, but I don't know if he "likes" me. I don't know if he'd miss me at all if he never heard from me again. I guess I just feel totally rejected, and even though he said he wants to be friends, I'm not sure whether to believe it. Heck, I believed all that "I love you" nonsense which HE instigated (hope he learns to throw those words around with more caution in the future . . . hard to believe he really meant it if we didn't have any "chemistry"). And . . . I'm not sure how painful it will be for me to try to be friends with him. I know if it can work it's going to have to be a slow, gradual process. I guess I'll just have to take it a step at a time, after at least a couple more weeks of zero contact.
Ugh, sorry for the anger fest. I'm just sick of hurting! Suddenly the lyrics of something like 50% of popular music make so much more sense to me. I'm so angry at the guy, but I miss him so much! I feel like a piece of myself was ripped out and the wound is slowly healing. I just need to learn to stop picking at the scab. Eeew . . . okay that's a gross metaphor.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Super Bowl Party
I went to a Super Bowl party today at my friend's house. I saw the last two friends that were on my list of people to tell about me dating guys, and I told them both. They both took it really well, as I knew they would. I used to live with them both, and they are really cool, awesome guys. They also listened to my story of the relationship with Ben, and the end. My one friend, Ryan (who is actually Philip's older brother) was a really good one to talk to, because he has successfully remained friends with almost all of his ex-girlfriends. This doesn't surprise me. Ryan is one of the most friendly, caring people I know. He has so many friends . . . I've been to numerous parties at his place, and every time I feel like 2/3 of the people I've never seen before (maybe he just goes through friends fast? haha) But there's always a core group that I see a lot. Anyways, hearing about his success reassures me that it will be possible in my case to remain friends. How good of friends remains to be seen, but I think it's worth a try.
I've pretty much written off the possibility of us getting back together at this point. Although the other night I did dream about it happening. Then awoke to the crushing disappointment of it having been just a dream. Anyways, I think Ben has some things to sort out before he's ready for a truly lasting long-term relationship, including improving his communication skills. Everyone I talk to shows the same surprise and sympathy for the whole 4-day turn around between Ben telling me about his problems and breaking up with me, which definitely makes me feel vindicated. I hope I never blindside someone like that. If a relationship of that length is positive at all I think it deserves at least a week or two of mutual problem solving and complete openness.
Also this weekend, I talked on the phone for quite a while with an old friend from middle/high school. We've chatted on FB in the past year, but this is the first time I've actually talked to him since our school days. He is gay and is living in a different state with his partner. It was neat to swap stories about coming to terms with ourselves and coming out.
As you may have noticed, I posted a video of myself covering that Madonna song on the guitar yesterday. Kind of a big deal for me, since I've never posted video of myself (though my face is blocked). Credit socrkid17 and ClosetCarGuy for having the guts to do it first. What did you guys think? Maybe I'll do it again sometime.
I've pretty much written off the possibility of us getting back together at this point. Although the other night I did dream about it happening. Then awoke to the crushing disappointment of it having been just a dream. Anyways, I think Ben has some things to sort out before he's ready for a truly lasting long-term relationship, including improving his communication skills. Everyone I talk to shows the same surprise and sympathy for the whole 4-day turn around between Ben telling me about his problems and breaking up with me, which definitely makes me feel vindicated. I hope I never blindside someone like that. If a relationship of that length is positive at all I think it deserves at least a week or two of mutual problem solving and complete openness.
Also this weekend, I talked on the phone for quite a while with an old friend from middle/high school. We've chatted on FB in the past year, but this is the first time I've actually talked to him since our school days. He is gay and is living in a different state with his partner. It was neat to swap stories about coming to terms with ourselves and coming out.
As you may have noticed, I posted a video of myself covering that Madonna song on the guitar yesterday. Kind of a big deal for me, since I've never posted video of myself (though my face is blocked). Credit socrkid17 and ClosetCarGuy for having the guts to do it first. What did you guys think? Maybe I'll do it again sometime.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Take a bow
And now I just ruined my (relatively) positive mood by going through pictures of Ben and I. Oops. But I'm definitely spending more time in the Sadness Stage than the Anger Stage lately. Progress maybe.
I rediscovered this song the week before it happened. Now just a short time later it speaks to me much more profoundly.
Take a bow, the night is overThis masquerade is getting olderLights are low, the curtain's downThere's no one here(There's no one here, there's no one in the crowd)
Say your lines but do you feel themDo you mean what you sayWhen there's no one around(No one around)Watching you, watching me, one lonely star(One lonely star you don't know who you are)
I've always been in love with you(Always with you)I guess you've always known it's true(You know it's true)You took my love for granted, why? Oh, why?The show is over, say goodbyeSay goodbye(Bye, bye)Say goodbye
Make them laugh, it comes so easyWhen you get to the partWhere you're breaking my heart(Breaking my heart)Hide behind your smile, all the world loves a clown(Just make 'em smile, the whole world loves a clown)
Wish you well, I cannot stayYou deserve an award for the role that you played(Role that you played)No more masquerade, you're one lonely star(One lonely star and you don't know who you are)
I've always been in love with you(Always with you)I guess you've always known it's true(You know it's true)You took my love for granted, why? Oh, why?The show is over, say goodbye
I've always been in love with you(Always with you)I guess you've always known it's true(You know it's true)You took my love for granted, why? Oh, why?The show is over, say goodbyeSay goodbye(Bye, bye)Say goodbye
All the world is a stage(World is a stage)And everyone has their part(Has their part)But how was I to know which way the story'd goHow was I to know you'd break(You'd break, you'd break, you'd break)You'd break my heart
I've always been in love with you(I've always been in love with you)Guess you've always knownYou took my love for granted, why? Oh, why?The show is over, say goodbye
I've always been in love with you(Always with you)I guess you've always known it's true(You know it's true)You took my love for granted, why? Oh, why?The show is over, say goodbyeSay goodbye(Bye, bye)Say goodbye
Say goodbye
I rediscovered this song the week before it happened. Now just a short time later it speaks to me much more profoundly.
Take a bow, the night is overThis masquerade is getting olderLights are low, the curtain's downThere's no one here(There's no one here, there's no one in the crowd)
Say your lines but do you feel themDo you mean what you sayWhen there's no one around(No one around)Watching you, watching me, one lonely star(One lonely star you don't know who you are)
I've always been in love with you(Always with you)I guess you've always known it's true(You know it's true)You took my love for granted, why? Oh, why?The show is over, say goodbyeSay goodbye(Bye, bye)Say goodbye
Make them laugh, it comes so easyWhen you get to the partWhere you're breaking my heart(Breaking my heart)Hide behind your smile, all the world loves a clown(Just make 'em smile, the whole world loves a clown)
Wish you well, I cannot stayYou deserve an award for the role that you played(Role that you played)No more masquerade, you're one lonely star(One lonely star and you don't know who you are)
I've always been in love with you(Always with you)I guess you've always known it's true(You know it's true)You took my love for granted, why? Oh, why?The show is over, say goodbye
I've always been in love with you(Always with you)I guess you've always known it's true(You know it's true)You took my love for granted, why? Oh, why?The show is over, say goodbyeSay goodbye(Bye, bye)Say goodbye
All the world is a stage(World is a stage)And everyone has their part(Has their part)But how was I to know which way the story'd goHow was I to know you'd break(You'd break, you'd break, you'd break)You'd break my heart
I've always been in love with you(I've always been in love with you)Guess you've always knownYou took my love for granted, why? Oh, why?The show is over, say goodbye
I've always been in love with you(Always with you)I guess you've always known it's true(You know it's true)You took my love for granted, why? Oh, why?The show is over, say goodbyeSay goodbye(Bye, bye)Say goodbye
Say goodbye
Don't look back in anger
Hi everyone.
First of all, thank you so much for all of the thoughtful comments. Even though I haven't met (most) of you in person, it warms my heart to receive your sympathy and advice. I'm sorry I couldn't give my story a happy ending with Ben. That was part of the reason I chose to continue this blog well into our relationship, even after I ceased to be "all mixed up" about it. I wanted to give hope to any other confused, doubtful guys out there that they could find the relationship of their dreams.
Well, even if the relationship ultimately didn't go the way I wanted it to, I still hope that anyone reading this can take something positive away from it. Just a year ago I was still in the midst of confusion and a years-long analysis paralysis. I finally took a leap of faith into the dating scene, which started out as just an experiment. I had doubts about whether I could find a guy in real life with whom I would be interested in pursuing a relationship. In no time at all, I met an amazing guy who I thought was attractive, nice, and interesting. Though he initially just wanted to be friends, I pursued him and entered into a wonderful, exciting eight and a half month relationship with him. I hit so many milestones during that time. I came out to the rest of my family and friends. I took him to my ten year high school reunion and thus came out to many of my high school acquaintances. I experienced sexual activities for the first time. I learned how to be affectionate and intimate in a romantic way, and found that I greatly enjoyed it. I learned to be comfortable in my own skin, to embrace my attraction to guys and discuss it openly with someone. And now that I've experienced heartbreak, I've hit another milestone that so many people face at least once in their lives.
I will remember my times with Ben for the rest of my life. As difficult a year as 2010 was for me (Europe trip excluded of course), 2012 was overall amazing. Yes, it did have the stress of applications (which also didn't pan out), but Ben helped shelter me so much from the stress I may have experienced otherwise. We did so many fun things together . . . concerts, bike riding, hiking, movies, cuddling, trips to Catalina, San Francisco and my parents' house in the Midwest, kayaking, karaoke (which I had never done before I met him, now I can't wait to do it again), and so much more. I may have eventually tried sky diving, but who knows, maybe I'll do that with someone else some day. We met multiple members of each other's families and close friends, building up a shared social network. We talked, joked, and laughed. We counseled each other through the worries and doubts of life. We spoke every day, and I thoroughly enjoyed the opportunity to get to know another person so intimately.
In the end, I think what brought our relationship to a close was a discrepancy in our desires. I'm trying to move away from blaming my own actions or inactions. I realize that the most important part of a romantic relationship for me is companionship. When people refer to their significant other as their "best friend" or their "better half" . . . that's what I want more than anything. That's why I felt so fulfilled by my relationship, because I had that in spades. Ben, however, seems to desire more. To him that "spark," that "chemistry" is a necessary element. Perhaps it is my less sexual nature that makes it hard for me to grasp this. To me it seems that those types of passionate feelings, though great, are fleeting, often rooted in lust and are a poor substitute for true compatibility in the long run. They can ebb and flow, and sometimes are built up over time. Ben seems to feel that they are either there, or they aren't. He's not alone, after doing an internet search it seems to be pretty common for some people to treat chemistry as "all or nothing" and others to treat it as more of a process.
So once again I am troubled by my low sex drive. Though Ben claimed it wasn't an issue, I wonder whether our "chemistry" would have improved if I was more sexually driven. Oh well, back to the drawing board. Gotta play the best game you can with the cards you've been dealt.
As far as Ben is concerned, I look forward to the day when we can be friends. I don't know how long it is appropriate to wait before asking to meet up again. I'm thinking a month, just to give me time to flush as much bitterness and frustration out of myself as I can. I know this entry has a noticeably more positive tone to it then the last couple. Well, I'm sick of being angry. I don't want to harbor a grudge toward Ben. He did what he felt was best. Maybe he didn't do it in the best way he could have, but he's only human. He's a very caring person, and I know he would only hurt me if he felt like it was necessary to avoid greater hurt for both of us down the road. Who knows, maybe someday he will regret his decision. Maybe by chasing something elusive and intangible he is giving up something that could have been great. But if that's the case, there's only one way he'll learn that. If he'd stayed with me, he may have always had the discontent born from the feeling that he could have something better. It would have bred resentment. I certainly didn't feel like I was "settling," but if he stayed with me maybe he would have felt that way.
As for me, I would love to think I can find that elusive passion as well. I'm not convinced that I'm wired for it, but who knows.
First of all, thank you so much for all of the thoughtful comments. Even though I haven't met (most) of you in person, it warms my heart to receive your sympathy and advice. I'm sorry I couldn't give my story a happy ending with Ben. That was part of the reason I chose to continue this blog well into our relationship, even after I ceased to be "all mixed up" about it. I wanted to give hope to any other confused, doubtful guys out there that they could find the relationship of their dreams.
Well, even if the relationship ultimately didn't go the way I wanted it to, I still hope that anyone reading this can take something positive away from it. Just a year ago I was still in the midst of confusion and a years-long analysis paralysis. I finally took a leap of faith into the dating scene, which started out as just an experiment. I had doubts about whether I could find a guy in real life with whom I would be interested in pursuing a relationship. In no time at all, I met an amazing guy who I thought was attractive, nice, and interesting. Though he initially just wanted to be friends, I pursued him and entered into a wonderful, exciting eight and a half month relationship with him. I hit so many milestones during that time. I came out to the rest of my family and friends. I took him to my ten year high school reunion and thus came out to many of my high school acquaintances. I experienced sexual activities for the first time. I learned how to be affectionate and intimate in a romantic way, and found that I greatly enjoyed it. I learned to be comfortable in my own skin, to embrace my attraction to guys and discuss it openly with someone. And now that I've experienced heartbreak, I've hit another milestone that so many people face at least once in their lives.
I will remember my times with Ben for the rest of my life. As difficult a year as 2010 was for me (Europe trip excluded of course), 2012 was overall amazing. Yes, it did have the stress of applications (which also didn't pan out), but Ben helped shelter me so much from the stress I may have experienced otherwise. We did so many fun things together . . . concerts, bike riding, hiking, movies, cuddling, trips to Catalina, San Francisco and my parents' house in the Midwest, kayaking, karaoke (which I had never done before I met him, now I can't wait to do it again), and so much more. I may have eventually tried sky diving, but who knows, maybe I'll do that with someone else some day. We met multiple members of each other's families and close friends, building up a shared social network. We talked, joked, and laughed. We counseled each other through the worries and doubts of life. We spoke every day, and I thoroughly enjoyed the opportunity to get to know another person so intimately.
In the end, I think what brought our relationship to a close was a discrepancy in our desires. I'm trying to move away from blaming my own actions or inactions. I realize that the most important part of a romantic relationship for me is companionship. When people refer to their significant other as their "best friend" or their "better half" . . . that's what I want more than anything. That's why I felt so fulfilled by my relationship, because I had that in spades. Ben, however, seems to desire more. To him that "spark," that "chemistry" is a necessary element. Perhaps it is my less sexual nature that makes it hard for me to grasp this. To me it seems that those types of passionate feelings, though great, are fleeting, often rooted in lust and are a poor substitute for true compatibility in the long run. They can ebb and flow, and sometimes are built up over time. Ben seems to feel that they are either there, or they aren't. He's not alone, after doing an internet search it seems to be pretty common for some people to treat chemistry as "all or nothing" and others to treat it as more of a process.
So once again I am troubled by my low sex drive. Though Ben claimed it wasn't an issue, I wonder whether our "chemistry" would have improved if I was more sexually driven. Oh well, back to the drawing board. Gotta play the best game you can with the cards you've been dealt.
As far as Ben is concerned, I look forward to the day when we can be friends. I don't know how long it is appropriate to wait before asking to meet up again. I'm thinking a month, just to give me time to flush as much bitterness and frustration out of myself as I can. I know this entry has a noticeably more positive tone to it then the last couple. Well, I'm sick of being angry. I don't want to harbor a grudge toward Ben. He did what he felt was best. Maybe he didn't do it in the best way he could have, but he's only human. He's a very caring person, and I know he would only hurt me if he felt like it was necessary to avoid greater hurt for both of us down the road. Who knows, maybe someday he will regret his decision. Maybe by chasing something elusive and intangible he is giving up something that could have been great. But if that's the case, there's only one way he'll learn that. If he'd stayed with me, he may have always had the discontent born from the feeling that he could have something better. It would have bred resentment. I certainly didn't feel like I was "settling," but if he stayed with me maybe he would have felt that way.
As for me, I would love to think I can find that elusive passion as well. I'm not convinced that I'm wired for it, but who knows.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)