The waiting game was really starting to weigh on me. I was continuing to have dreams involving Ben. Except he was never actually in the dream. His presence was heavily felt, but he never physically appeared. All day long I would continue to ruminate about the lingering issues. I would browse the internet for articles and forums about break ups and the No Contact Rule. Finally I came across a relationship website that was highly critical of the No Contact Rule, especially when you wish to be friends with your ex. A lot of the articles made a lot of sense to me, and I decided I'd had enough of this No Contact foolishness.
So earlier this evening, I called Ben. Voice mail. I chickened out before leaving a message, so I texted him to let him know I was just calling to see how he was doing. A little later he texted me back saying he needed to run errands but he would call me around 10:30. He called just about then. We just got off the phone a couple minutes ago. It's 12:30.
My plan going into the conversation was to keep things simple. I wanted to start off our new friend era on a positive note, and that meant not beating the dead horse of our relationship. I would get my lingering issues addressed at a later date.
That plan didn't last. Not long into the conversation (but after he revealed he had finally gotten a job, whoo hoo!) he admitted to something that I found rather surprising . . . he's been reading this blog.
As I mentioned at the end of the last entry, I didn't think it was likely that he was reading it. I figured he would be moving on, that he wouldn't care what was going on with me. Well, turns out he did care. Since he was allowing me my space to heal in my No Contact bubble, he was reading the blog to "check up" on me. I immediately felt bad about all of the rather . . . strong things I said about him, but he insisted I had no need to apologize.
At this point it became clear to me that my plan for having the "relationship post mortem" conversation in person was not going to pan out. This was the time. And so, over the next two hours, we talked about everything. Every one of the three major hurtful things was addressed.
1) Him keeping his waning feelings a secret: he acknowledged that he had not handled this properly. I explained to him that he ideally should have told me much sooner, long before he felt the relationship was on its last legs (but not too soon either, you don't know at first whether the way you're feeling is temporary or not).
2) The four day turn around: he apologized that the end came so suddenly for me. I acknowledged my understanding that he is a very proactive and decisive person, which played a role in this.
3) The OkCupid profile: he admitted that he created the profile not because he was over the relationship already, but because he was looking for social interaction to fill the void left by my sudden departure from his life (no more weekend visits, no more daily phone calls).
He says he indeed went through a period of melancholy after things ended between us. He says that his feelings were indeed sincere. He also said that part of the reason he is focusing on dating girls right now is because he is questioning his capability of feeling the right kind of romantic feelings for a guy. He feels that I really was the whole package otherwise, and so if he couldn't feel strong enough love for me then he might not be able to feel it for any guy. With the girls he's dated in the past, his level of emotional attachment was a lot stronger. He changed his OkCupid status to "straight" because he was not getting any responses while he was labeled "bisexual." However, he says he will be up-front and honest about it after meeting in person. He recognizes that it will be an uphill battle finding a girl who is okay with this.
During our conversation, I basically decided to go for broke, throw all that break up advice out the window. Don't tell me not to talk about the past relationship with my ex. I'm gonna talk it to death dammit! I asked him every question I could think of that I'd been wanting to ask.
"What was the breaking point?" Answer: He's not sure. It was a gradual thing. I think he eventually just took the opportunity to address it with me when it came.
"Was I not sexual enough?" Answer: This was not an issue for him.
"Was it the affection discrepancy?" Answer: No . . . he just attributed this to me being an overall more affectionate person. So when he explained it by saying it was his personality and not me . . . that was the truth.
"What are you going to look for in future relationships?" Answer: He may start following his initial intuitions. This made me a little said, because if he had done that with me we never would have had our relationship at all. I told him I don't think this is always wise. Instead he should take it on a case by case basis. Sometimes attraction is immediate. Sometimes it needs time to grow, if the person is promising. I don't think we were doomed to fail from the start. Circumstances, timing, where we are in our lives . . . whatever . . . simply got in the way.
"Where do we go from here?" Answer: We made tentative plans to meet up when I'm in LA in two weeks. A fellow blogger invited me to a party, and I think I will go. Will Ben be invited? Ehhh . . . might be awkward to go with my ex.
When I next see Ben, I will just have to try to keep my feelings in check. But I figure a trial and error process is in order. If I enjoy my time with him and don't get too sad or obsessive, then I'll continue on accordingly. If my emotions start messing with me though . . . then it's time to step back a bit.
So where do we stand? Well, Ben is truly remorseful for the pain he has caused. He genuinely likes me and feels blessed to have me in his life. I feel the same about him. He really does think highly of me, he's just finding himself still. His goal is to move ahead with his career while continuing on his journey of discovery in his personal life. I plan to support him every step of the way. Navigating this dating world is so daunting at times . . . I'm glad I don't have to face it alone.
I guess I'm not the only one who is All Mixed up in CA.
4 comments:
What awesome news, every bit of it. I'm so happy for you and I'm glad that you got the kind of quality closure you deserved.
Big kudos to Ben too for taking responsibility for his mistakes. So many guys are incapable of being that honest. It looks like you guys have every chance of maintaining a positive, long-term friendship.
I've always felt like Ben's big issue was his sexuality and not you. I don't think he meant to use you as test relationship, but that's basically what happened. Unfortunately for him, because his sexuality is so nebulous, he's probably going to need a few more of those before he has a clear understanding of who he is and what sort of relationship makes him feel complete. I hope to be wrong, but I fear that he has a long road ahead of him.
I'm glad you got the the closure you wanted and now can take other steps to move forward. It still will take some time and adjustment to get over this so that you can build the friendship you deserve.
I don't think you should apologize for feeling hurt; those were and are totally valid feelings. That you still have so much empathy for Ben and that his regard for you is also evident bodes well for some transition to a new supportive relationship.
There still may be times when things get awkward, but you are over the hump and on the way towards recovery.
Good you had contact with Ben again, now you'll have a little more peace in your head. It seems like a good conversation, one that makes you can go on with your life.
From what I read here, it seems like Ben is a little more insecure about his sexuality than I expected from all the previous. Maybe that prevented him to feel a real strong bond with you?
Anyways I'm glad your story is going this way. Keep it up buddy!
Glad to hear there was some resolution and hopefully that may allow you to move on, or develop your friendship in other ways with Ben.
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