It's late and I'm sleepy, but I want to quickly blog about the weekend.
Overall, it was a fun weekend. Friday night I hung out with my friend from elementary school. I forget if I have assigned him a name yet . . . lets call him Larry. Larry is the only close friend who is gay that I know from my normal, everyday life (i.e., not online via blogs, YouTube, dating sites, etc). He is quite a bit more feminine than I am. He is an actor, and also performs in drag on occasion. Lately he's been using a space he has access to in order to bring together other actor friends to practice scenes, monologues, etc. On Friday I tagged along to observe and give feedback. This time it was only Larry and one other guy. It was a lot of fun, and at the end we did a bit of improv so I introduced them to one of my favorite improv games, "Quick Change." Basically two people act out a scene while a third person acts as a "director" that forces them to change a line they just said on the fly by saying "change." For example, an exchange could go like this:
A: Hello Bill.
B: Hi Alvin. Would you happen to have change for a 20?
Director: Change!
B: Do you think you could scratch my back?
Diector: Change!
B: Shut up Alvin! I know you slept with my wife!
Okay, improv is harder when typed. LOL.
When I got home I gave a call to a guy that I've been corresponding to. Let's christen him now, shall we? He shall be Brody. Because he looks kinda like a surfer due to his long hair, and I just googled "stereotypical surfer names" and Brody is the first thing that came up. It's apparently an Australian nickname for a young surfer.
Anyways, I ended up talking on the phone with Brody for THREE HOURS. 10:30 PM to 1:30 AM.
The next day I met up with Brody in person. Unlike many (most) of the guys who I've corresponded with, Brody actually lives in the same city as me. We met up for lunch. And talked for another FOUR HOURS. He's pretty cute. Tall. Blond hair, blue eyes. Just two years older than me. From New England so he has a touch of an accent.
Now, before you all start jumping for joy, a caveat . . . I'm not quite sure of the "chemistry" with this one. He's a super nice guy, and we have similar personalities. But part of the reason our conversations last so long is . . . well, he's a talker. Which is great, no worries about awkward silences. And he is a great storyteller. It's just he really does dominate the conversation. And not because I'm not pulling my weight . . . I don't really have much chance to. He just gets going on a topic and rails off a story, which segues into another story. It's actually pretty captivating how he does it, he definitely is a natural. It's just hard to get a good gauge of our chemistry when he's doing most of the talking. I know he likes me, at least as a friend. He's a super cool guy, very laid back. During our first conversation I ended up pretty much spilling everything about how I just got out of a relationship two months ago, how I did almost all of my coming out over the past year, and how companionship is much more important to me than sex. The latter fact met with a great reception from him. He was actually excited to find someone else for whom sex is not top priority! Now, I didn't say anything about "low sex drive," just that it's not what primarily drives me. I think he got the picture though. He asked me whether I think it's naturally how I'm wired or whether it was growing up with a very conservative personality. I told him it's likely a combination.
After my lunch with Brody I went to LA for what I thought was a birthday party. Turns out the festivities were actually in honor of a friend's anniversary with her boyfriend (my bad . . . the invite came indirectly, haha). It was fun! We met up at a bar in Hollywood and saw a live spoof reenactment of Terminator 2: Judgment Day. It was quite entertaining. They picked the guy to play Arnold out from the audience (although who knows, that might have been staged). The guy had quite a buff physique and a killer impression, haha. He had one of the cast members showing him cue cards the whole way through. The plot was very faithful to the movie, except the man they were hunting down to prevent machines from taking over the world was Mark Zuckerberg. Ha ha. After the show we went to bars. Nina and her boyfriend were the ones that invited me. They have actually gone out and bought some new shirts and a pair of pants for me. Nina wants to dress me up like her own personal gay Ken doll to try to get me a man, lol. I told her I'm not into random hook ups, but that's not going to phase her! Whatever, I appreciate the sentiment :-) She repeatedly told me that I'm hot and that I just need to accentuate my features (she thinks the color shirt she got will bring out my eyes). We didn't have time to play dress up this time, but I'm sure it won't be long.
I spent the night at my cousin Roger's place, then went on Date # 2 of the weekend this morning up in the San Fernando Valley. This one was with a guy who works in the TV industry. Really good conversation. I loved hearing about his job and his experiences. Turns out he worked on the same reality TV show that a friend of mine worked on, although it sounds like they didn't overlap so they don't know each other. Still, small world. He definitely liked me, he's already offered to come down to my neck of the woods next time. I really enjoyed the conversation, but I'm not sure if the attraction is there. There's that, and the distance is a little large. The Valley is quite a bit farther than the part of LA where Ben lives. I think that distance would probably be my limit. Still, I'll keep an open mind.
Then I returned home for Date # 3 of the weekend (first time having two dates in one day I believe, who's a playa, lol) This one was with Nathan, the guy who has been texting me for weeks. We had surprisingly decent conversation, so I'm glad I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Still, he is a bit soft-spoken and sort of low-energy, which I wasn't much attracted to.
All three guys were super nice and I wouldn't mind hanging with them again. Brody wins so far, though. Yes, I kind of feel steamrolled in the conversation, but he's a super nice guy, we have a lot in common, he's interesting, and he lives really close. I will continue to hang out with him. He actually just texted me a little while ago and we talked (well, he talked) for the better part of an hour. I gotta be a little more forceful with this one, haha.
Good night!
Monday, March 25, 2013
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Indecisive much?
I have a bit to report on the dating/making new friends front, but I'm about to head to LA for a birthday so I don't have much time. Just though I'd blog about a little tidbit and get to that later. I log onto OkCupid, minding my own business, when who's status update should appear near the top of my activity page? Ben of course. But how could that be? He's listed as straight, he shouldn't appear in my results! Well, I guess he's listed as gay now. Bi to straight to gay in two months time. I blocked him.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Love is like a drug. Or a boat.
Warning . . . I've got some Ben-related issues to burn off some steam about. If you're sick of me ranting about him you might want to sit this one out, haha.
Last weekend was fun. I went to a St. Patrick's Day event on the Queen Mary, an old ship in Long Beach that has been converted into a hotel. I went with my friend Nina, her boyfriend Jerry, and his cousin. Jerry's cousin was young (about 22 maybe?) but he was a major cutey. Straight though. Nina and Jerry are great company. I haven't mentioned Nina much in this blog before the last couple weeks because she was living out of state. She's back for now though. She's a friend from the dorms who is VERY open with sexuality. Like, uncomfortably so at times, haha. She's pretty frank about her experiences with both girls and guys. She's determined to hook me up.
As is always the case, I spent plenty of time seeing sights that reminded me of Ben. Tends to happen when you were in a very active relationship. The Queen Mary is right across from The Pike, the shopping center where we first met and where we had our six month anniversary dinner. On Sunday I went hiking with some friends on a great trail that I had last done . . . with Ben. Ugh. But, I have to have new experiences in these places. That way the freshest memories that I associate with them won't include him.
On Sunday night I had dinner with Jake the Australian. It was a lot of fun. He is a super nice guy. We had a lot of catching up to do, since it has been about 11 months since I last saw him. We swapped break up stories. Only for Jake, it was the reverse scenario. He was the initiator of his break-up, because he sensed that his boyfriend was really falling for him but he himself wasn't experiencing the emotions he associates with being in "love." We both knew that this was exactly what had happened with Ben and I. Only I like the sound of this explanation better. Much better than saying we didn't have chemistry. Sometimes its all about word choice. Anyways, hearing Jake's perspective made me feel better. It was almost like having a conversation with Ben by proxy. Jake's still not sure whether the "love" feeling is something elusive that he is chasing. He felt it with his first boyfriend, but he's not sure whether it being his "first" had anything to do with it.
Funny how in our last conversation Ben compared me to a drug addict going through withdrawal. He may have a point, but personally it sounds like he's addicted to this elusive feeling. Now that he's felt it he will settle for nothing less, even if a relationship is otherwise perfectly sound. He may be searching for a long, long time.
Early in the week, I learned via Facebook (damn Facebook . . . a blessing and a curse) that Ben's best friend and his husband finally made it over to visit California. There were pictures of them hiking in the Hollywood Hills. This made me suffer a sadness relapse. I've wanted to meet that couple for a year now, ever since Ben first told me about them. Over the past year I have spoken to them myself several times on Skype, and they even bought me a Christmas gift. Now they finally get over here, and I don't get to meet them because I'm stuck in this stupid exile. Before all I was losing was time, which I was (getting to be) fine with. Give Ben the chance to heal, and myself as well. But now a great opportunity to meet a couple that has inspired me is wasted. I knew on an intellectual level that it wouldn't have made sense for Ben to let me know they were in town and arrange a meet up, since he was the source of the request for continued distance. But on an emotional level I couldn't help but feel a bit of resentment build up . . . a little feeling of betrayal.
I went to the psychologist, as I have been doing a bit more often lately for obvious reasons. I explained to her my goal: end this exile period, reestablish the friendship with Ben and move on. Just like the initial month of no contact, I feel like the exile does me little good since my personality seeks closure. I'm fine with gradual transitions, but sitting around twiddling my thumbs makes me anxious. It is in my nature to be proactive, especially when it comes to building and maintaining relationships that are important to me. Staying active works to distract me, but when I'm idle my mind always returns to the goal at hand.
Before I go on: YES I know I'm still fixating on being friends. I value relationships, that's what I do. The 3 year period where Lance dropped off the face of the Earth drove me crazy and I don't want to repeat it. Time dulled the pain, but did not eliminate it. I wasn't truly able to get over him until I reached out and we reconnected. A quote I found today speaks to this: "The wounds of love can only be healed by the one who made them." I know that this type of closure is not always achievable. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't seek it out when it is. If I'm being naive feel free to tell me . . . but do it nicely okay? :-)
Okay, end of tangent. Anyways, my psychologist recommended that the best way to achieve my goal (being friends with Ben and ending this awkward distance phase) is to be proactive, but not TOO proactive. Rather than waiting for him to make the first move (which may have taken a long time), she suggested I email him to keep the lines of communication open, but to keep it brief and superficial. No mentions of the previous argument, no apologies (she doesn't feel I have anything to apologize for). Just a "check in," which is what he said would be okay once a month or so. I want to make sure my contacts raise only positive emotions, not negative ones.
Another quote that I've had on my mind lately: "The one who loves the least controls the relationship." This is totally true. I may resent it, but the fact remains that between the two of us, Ben loves the least. Therefore, he holds the power. If I want to be friends, I have to play by his rules, even if I felt insulted by them. So if he says only checking in once a month is acceptable, than that's what I have to do.
So, I wrote him a brief email. Basically just summarizing my St. Patrick's Day weekend. He messaged back the next day, and I am happy to report that he didn't reject me, haha. Well, I didn't give him much to reject. I asked no questions, made no offers or suggestions. It was just a report. He's doing well. Enjoying his new job. Glad to hear from me and happy that I'm doing well. His friends' visit was great. He picked them up from the airport near me (10 min away!) because it was cheaper, and bought stuff from the bakery we'd gone to a couple times (5 min away!). Knowing he had been so close to me without calling struck another nerve, but I just need to tell myself that it's not personal. This whole exile thing (I call it that because that's what it feels like) is what he thinks is for the best. Maybe he's right. I just want to move on and get my friend back. Screw the rest of what we had. I'll find someone better for that. Someone who has his head in the right place.
In other news, thanks TwoLives for the suggestion of the story CrossCurrents. I looked it up and promptly got hooked. I read all the way up to the college part of the story. It seems the song you were referring to was "More Than Words" by Extreme. I do love that song and have played it before. Tricky song to sing though . . . hmm, I may have to give it a try :-) Other than that the story is good. Very well written. A lot of the characters and scenarios kind of strike me as unrealistic though. Then again, I wasn't a jock or a popular kid in high school so what do I know, haha.
One line in the story really popped out at me. Something about "a relationship cannot occur unless both people shed their armor" or something like that. It resonated because I think that might partially explain why Ben failed to experience lasting feelings of love for me. He definitely was the more guarded of the two of us. I became very comfortable sharing with him, but I'm not convinced he ever fully shed his emotional armor. I know he had some childhood issues that may have limited his ability to do that. Kind of ironic, he is more comfortable with physical nudity than any other person I've ever known. He'll shed his clothing at the drop of a hat, right in front of his friends. When it comes to emotional nudity however . . . he's a tougher nut to crack.
Which brings me back to the boat metaphor he used on me almost a year ago. He didn't think our boat had a rudder back then. I proved him wrong, but eventually the boat died anyway. He claimed it was due to lack of fuel (chemistry, love, what have you). I'm not so sure . . . it's my suspicion that the real problem was under the hood. The engine was malfunctioning. If he tries to take that engine and just put it in another boat (such as by oh, say, dating women), he's likely to get the same result. It's only when he takes the time to look at himself and figure out what's standing in the way of him feeling love for another person that he'll be able to repair his engine and speed off into the sunset. Here's hoping he's able to do that before too long. I would have loved to help him, but that's no longer my place. He'll have to find a new mechanic. I'm done. NEXT!
Last weekend was fun. I went to a St. Patrick's Day event on the Queen Mary, an old ship in Long Beach that has been converted into a hotel. I went with my friend Nina, her boyfriend Jerry, and his cousin. Jerry's cousin was young (about 22 maybe?) but he was a major cutey. Straight though. Nina and Jerry are great company. I haven't mentioned Nina much in this blog before the last couple weeks because she was living out of state. She's back for now though. She's a friend from the dorms who is VERY open with sexuality. Like, uncomfortably so at times, haha. She's pretty frank about her experiences with both girls and guys. She's determined to hook me up.
As is always the case, I spent plenty of time seeing sights that reminded me of Ben. Tends to happen when you were in a very active relationship. The Queen Mary is right across from The Pike, the shopping center where we first met and where we had our six month anniversary dinner. On Sunday I went hiking with some friends on a great trail that I had last done . . . with Ben. Ugh. But, I have to have new experiences in these places. That way the freshest memories that I associate with them won't include him.
On Sunday night I had dinner with Jake the Australian. It was a lot of fun. He is a super nice guy. We had a lot of catching up to do, since it has been about 11 months since I last saw him. We swapped break up stories. Only for Jake, it was the reverse scenario. He was the initiator of his break-up, because he sensed that his boyfriend was really falling for him but he himself wasn't experiencing the emotions he associates with being in "love." We both knew that this was exactly what had happened with Ben and I. Only I like the sound of this explanation better. Much better than saying we didn't have chemistry. Sometimes its all about word choice. Anyways, hearing Jake's perspective made me feel better. It was almost like having a conversation with Ben by proxy. Jake's still not sure whether the "love" feeling is something elusive that he is chasing. He felt it with his first boyfriend, but he's not sure whether it being his "first" had anything to do with it.
Funny how in our last conversation Ben compared me to a drug addict going through withdrawal. He may have a point, but personally it sounds like he's addicted to this elusive feeling. Now that he's felt it he will settle for nothing less, even if a relationship is otherwise perfectly sound. He may be searching for a long, long time.
Early in the week, I learned via Facebook (damn Facebook . . . a blessing and a curse) that Ben's best friend and his husband finally made it over to visit California. There were pictures of them hiking in the Hollywood Hills. This made me suffer a sadness relapse. I've wanted to meet that couple for a year now, ever since Ben first told me about them. Over the past year I have spoken to them myself several times on Skype, and they even bought me a Christmas gift. Now they finally get over here, and I don't get to meet them because I'm stuck in this stupid exile. Before all I was losing was time, which I was (getting to be) fine with. Give Ben the chance to heal, and myself as well. But now a great opportunity to meet a couple that has inspired me is wasted. I knew on an intellectual level that it wouldn't have made sense for Ben to let me know they were in town and arrange a meet up, since he was the source of the request for continued distance. But on an emotional level I couldn't help but feel a bit of resentment build up . . . a little feeling of betrayal.
I went to the psychologist, as I have been doing a bit more often lately for obvious reasons. I explained to her my goal: end this exile period, reestablish the friendship with Ben and move on. Just like the initial month of no contact, I feel like the exile does me little good since my personality seeks closure. I'm fine with gradual transitions, but sitting around twiddling my thumbs makes me anxious. It is in my nature to be proactive, especially when it comes to building and maintaining relationships that are important to me. Staying active works to distract me, but when I'm idle my mind always returns to the goal at hand.
Before I go on: YES I know I'm still fixating on being friends. I value relationships, that's what I do. The 3 year period where Lance dropped off the face of the Earth drove me crazy and I don't want to repeat it. Time dulled the pain, but did not eliminate it. I wasn't truly able to get over him until I reached out and we reconnected. A quote I found today speaks to this: "The wounds of love can only be healed by the one who made them." I know that this type of closure is not always achievable. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't seek it out when it is. If I'm being naive feel free to tell me . . . but do it nicely okay? :-)
Okay, end of tangent. Anyways, my psychologist recommended that the best way to achieve my goal (being friends with Ben and ending this awkward distance phase) is to be proactive, but not TOO proactive. Rather than waiting for him to make the first move (which may have taken a long time), she suggested I email him to keep the lines of communication open, but to keep it brief and superficial. No mentions of the previous argument, no apologies (she doesn't feel I have anything to apologize for). Just a "check in," which is what he said would be okay once a month or so. I want to make sure my contacts raise only positive emotions, not negative ones.
Another quote that I've had on my mind lately: "The one who loves the least controls the relationship." This is totally true. I may resent it, but the fact remains that between the two of us, Ben loves the least. Therefore, he holds the power. If I want to be friends, I have to play by his rules, even if I felt insulted by them. So if he says only checking in once a month is acceptable, than that's what I have to do.
So, I wrote him a brief email. Basically just summarizing my St. Patrick's Day weekend. He messaged back the next day, and I am happy to report that he didn't reject me, haha. Well, I didn't give him much to reject. I asked no questions, made no offers or suggestions. It was just a report. He's doing well. Enjoying his new job. Glad to hear from me and happy that I'm doing well. His friends' visit was great. He picked them up from the airport near me (10 min away!) because it was cheaper, and bought stuff from the bakery we'd gone to a couple times (5 min away!). Knowing he had been so close to me without calling struck another nerve, but I just need to tell myself that it's not personal. This whole exile thing (I call it that because that's what it feels like) is what he thinks is for the best. Maybe he's right. I just want to move on and get my friend back. Screw the rest of what we had. I'll find someone better for that. Someone who has his head in the right place.
In other news, thanks TwoLives for the suggestion of the story CrossCurrents. I looked it up and promptly got hooked. I read all the way up to the college part of the story. It seems the song you were referring to was "More Than Words" by Extreme. I do love that song and have played it before. Tricky song to sing though . . . hmm, I may have to give it a try :-) Other than that the story is good. Very well written. A lot of the characters and scenarios kind of strike me as unrealistic though. Then again, I wasn't a jock or a popular kid in high school so what do I know, haha.
One line in the story really popped out at me. Something about "a relationship cannot occur unless both people shed their armor" or something like that. It resonated because I think that might partially explain why Ben failed to experience lasting feelings of love for me. He definitely was the more guarded of the two of us. I became very comfortable sharing with him, but I'm not convinced he ever fully shed his emotional armor. I know he had some childhood issues that may have limited his ability to do that. Kind of ironic, he is more comfortable with physical nudity than any other person I've ever known. He'll shed his clothing at the drop of a hat, right in front of his friends. When it comes to emotional nudity however . . . he's a tougher nut to crack.
Which brings me back to the boat metaphor he used on me almost a year ago. He didn't think our boat had a rudder back then. I proved him wrong, but eventually the boat died anyway. He claimed it was due to lack of fuel (chemistry, love, what have you). I'm not so sure . . . it's my suspicion that the real problem was under the hood. The engine was malfunctioning. If he tries to take that engine and just put it in another boat (such as by oh, say, dating women), he's likely to get the same result. It's only when he takes the time to look at himself and figure out what's standing in the way of him feeling love for another person that he'll be able to repair his engine and speed off into the sunset. Here's hoping he's able to do that before too long. I would have loved to help him, but that's no longer my place. He'll have to find a new mechanic. I'm done. NEXT!
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Friday, March 15, 2013
Random friends
I swear, I make online friends in the most random ways. First finding Penpal Mike on a discussion board. Then messaging YouTube Guy after seeing his coming out video. Now a new guy, let's call him Troy. A couple years ago, during the midst of my career indecision crisis, I stumbled upon a discussion group for people of the INFJ personality type. Troy had written a post about his massive career indecision, so I sent him a message. It had been a year since his post and I wanted to see what he ended up doing. Two years later, and he responded to me, wondering if I was still out there. I responded back and also added a bit about my sexuality confusion.
He responded soon after, saying we had to talk STAT! Turns out he's gay as well, but he's known since he was 15. So we've spent the last couple hours chatting on AIM (which I haven't used in ages). Talking about guys and Glee. Damn I feel gay right now, lol. He insisted I should continue dating guys. I opened up to him about the whole sex drive thing, how I straddle the border of asexuality. He was encouraging. As everyone tends to be. Still, good to have another friend in my corner.
I was generally feeling more positive today. I revamped my dating profile. Completely rewrote it to try to capture more of my personality, and added some more recent pictures.
Other than that, not much to report. Troy and I are now talking about the hotness that is Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki. But Darren Criss takes the cake for me, haha. Have a good weekend, blogosphere!
He responded soon after, saying we had to talk STAT! Turns out he's gay as well, but he's known since he was 15. So we've spent the last couple hours chatting on AIM (which I haven't used in ages). Talking about guys and Glee. Damn I feel gay right now, lol. He insisted I should continue dating guys. I opened up to him about the whole sex drive thing, how I straddle the border of asexuality. He was encouraging. As everyone tends to be. Still, good to have another friend in my corner.
I was generally feeling more positive today. I revamped my dating profile. Completely rewrote it to try to capture more of my personality, and added some more recent pictures.
Other than that, not much to report. Troy and I are now talking about the hotness that is Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki. But Darren Criss takes the cake for me, haha. Have a good weekend, blogosphere!
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Better living through chemistry
Okay, get ready because this entry is a monster. I tried not to censor myself too much, so it gets a little depressing. I do try to end it on a more positive note, though.
Well, there's always that dark side to getting back into dating after a break-up. The risk of further rejection. I texted Kenny today about the prospect of going hiking on Sunday as we discussed. His response: "Hey man, you seem like a really nice and caring guy, but I've met someone else that I think I have better chemistry with, so I'm going to have to bail on Sunday."
Fucking chemistry!!! These people have no patience for relationship building, all they want is instant gratification! It's not my fault that it takes me a while to really open up and get comfortable with somebody! Well, even then I fail at chemistry. But let's not beat that dead horse.
Speaking of which, guess who I'm planning to get together with for dinner on Sunday? No, not him . . . None other than the infamous Jake the Australian. The poster child for the "no spark" text message rejection, haha. Not a date or anything. I emailed him since it had been a while and he suggested we meet up. Really nice guy, that Jake. I haven't seen him since we saw "Cabin in the Woods" together nearly a year ago. We've emailed back and forth a bit since then, and he had mentioned getting together so he could meet Ben, but that never materialized. It will be good to see him again. We've both had breakups since then, although his was after only 3 months (and was incidentally another guy I went out with from that dating website, small world).
Now that Kenny is out of the picture, I only have a couple of prospects. One is a really nice guy that I have been corresponding with for quite some time. I'll call him Jeff. He seems really cool, the only major downside is since he's not out at work (he's a teacher) he didn't have a face pic up. Hopefully I'll find him attractive when we meet. I guess this will be a test of how shallow I am, haha.
Another guy I've been corresponding with is Nathan. I'm a little wary about him though. Number one, he's 33, the other end of my acceptable age range. Number two, he texts me a lot. Which wouldn't be all that bad if he had something to say. Problem is it's a constant barrage of "good morning", "how are you", "how was your night", followed by fairly undescriptive answers when I ask him back That's been going on for a while, without him making an attempt to coordinate a meet up. Finally I texted back "So . . . we've been texting for quite a while. Did you want to meet up or something?" Ha ha, a little blunt of me, but it was getting a little irritating. I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, though. Someone's gotta be willing to do that sometimes.
One or two other people that I've conversed with a bit on the dating website, but the conversation is limited. And the one who seems the most interested also lives quite far away. Like, farther than Ben. Which I'd rather not do.
I'd love to report that my mind is in a better place. It's not. I'd love to say that the dating I've been doing has been helping me move on from Ben. It's not. In fact I'd say today I felt just about the worst I've felt. The last several guys that I've messaged, some of whom I really seemed to have a good amount in common with, never responded. After getting rejected by Kenny for the same old tired reason and browsing more profiles on the dating website, I was feeling really down on myself. My career is stalled while all of these other guys my age are either in or graduated from professional or grad school. I took so freaking long to decide what I want to do (and am still wavering a bit) that now I feel totally behind the pack. Now, I know a dating profile is obviously going to be painted with a very rosy brush (heck, I remember when I first read Ben's profile . . . a teacher who loves his job? not quite . . . not to mention the whole straight thing now). But still, everyone just seems so confident. I was well on my way to building such confidence with Ben, but now that's been shattered. I also am, for the first time since meeting Ben, resenting my sexuality. And I don't just mean the low sex drive part. I mean the affinity for guys. Ben had me not only accepting, but being proud to be in a gay relationship. Not just because I loved him so much, but because he was someone that I could talk to about hot guys I saw. Someone I could discuss gay rights with. Now a part of me wishes I could take all that coming out crap back. My happiness with him was the only reason I was able to do it in the first place. Not having the drive to have sex makes me feel like a pretender going out with guys, and I'm sure I would feel just as much of a pretender going out with girls. So if I have to fake it regardless, why not just fake it with girls? But if I tried to date girls now I would find myself with the same uphill battle that Ben is facing. What girl would date a guy who just got out of a gay relationship?
The other reason I'm down is I realize I'm still so hung up on Ben. I can't get it out of my head how happy I was, and how happy he was at the beginning. And this makes me question whether all of those people are right. I was so determined to prove the naysayers wrong, to show that you can have a friendship with an ex after being dumped . . . well I have hope it will happen eventually. I just fear it will be a lot longer than I wanted. Which sucks because I could really use all of the close friends I can get now. He arguably became my best friend over the course of the last year, but now I can't so much as text him without making him freak out. Plus, doing so would violate the sacred Rules of Getting Over a Break-Up. Though I do value what we had, and I am glad that I've actually had a relationship now, and I did learn a lot . . . part of me wishes that I hadn't gotten greedy. That I had just accepted it when he rejected me the first time. Because if I can only have one or the other I think I would rather have a lifelong friend than an eight month relationship.
Okay, two paragraphs of doom and gloom. I hate being that guy. No one will want to read this blog anymore if I'm too much of a Debbie Downer, haha. So . . . things to be thankful for!
I am thankful for my friendship with Tom. I had dinner with him earlier this evening. We talked about the way I'm feeling about the break up, and how I feel like it had more to do with Ben's psychological and emotional issues rather than any real incompatibility or lack of chemistry between us. I spoke about my jealousy of a couple of my gay friends, who have managed to find lasting relationships while mine fizzled. Tom was very understanding. He went through a very tough breakup back in 2009, and I was there to witness the aftermath. It wasn't pretty. He gave me very encouraging words and advice. He's definitely won me over lately. I used to be on the fence about him. Basically felt a major emotional asymmetry in our friendship that I long felt guilty for (Ben dared to throw this at me during our last conversation, cheap shot). Now I feel like I've connected with him in a way that I was never able to before. Maybe my heartbreak gives us that one more thing in common we needed, haha.
I am thankful for my friendship with Janice. I had dinner with her the other night. She also spoke about her previous break up, and how long it took her to get over (well, she's still not entirely over it). She also made me feel better about Ben's behavior. She acknowledged that his email was a bit rude, but she pointed out that he didn't know whether my limited attempts at contact were the start of a barrage. I told her he should know me better than that. Her response: "He doesn't know Break-Up Cal." Touche. So, my anger at the email has faded.
I am thankful for my relationships with all the other people that have helped me through this time. My mom, my cousins, my friends Rick, Philip, Lance and Nina, You-Tube Guy, El Genio and the other bloggers who read this and leave advice (especially fan of casey, your words of wisdom never fail to make me feel better and I thank you for that), penpal Mike . . . the list goes on. Even when worries surface that I will be alone, I can think of all of the love and support I have in my life and feel a little less lonely.
I will leave you with a Dr. Seuss quote that penpal Mike emailed me: "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." I will try.
Well, there's always that dark side to getting back into dating after a break-up. The risk of further rejection. I texted Kenny today about the prospect of going hiking on Sunday as we discussed. His response: "Hey man, you seem like a really nice and caring guy, but I've met someone else that I think I have better chemistry with, so I'm going to have to bail on Sunday."
Fucking chemistry!!! These people have no patience for relationship building, all they want is instant gratification! It's not my fault that it takes me a while to really open up and get comfortable with somebody! Well, even then I fail at chemistry. But let's not beat that dead horse.
Speaking of which, guess who I'm planning to get together with for dinner on Sunday? No, not him . . . None other than the infamous Jake the Australian. The poster child for the "no spark" text message rejection, haha. Not a date or anything. I emailed him since it had been a while and he suggested we meet up. Really nice guy, that Jake. I haven't seen him since we saw "Cabin in the Woods" together nearly a year ago. We've emailed back and forth a bit since then, and he had mentioned getting together so he could meet Ben, but that never materialized. It will be good to see him again. We've both had breakups since then, although his was after only 3 months (and was incidentally another guy I went out with from that dating website, small world).
Now that Kenny is out of the picture, I only have a couple of prospects. One is a really nice guy that I have been corresponding with for quite some time. I'll call him Jeff. He seems really cool, the only major downside is since he's not out at work (he's a teacher) he didn't have a face pic up. Hopefully I'll find him attractive when we meet. I guess this will be a test of how shallow I am, haha.
Another guy I've been corresponding with is Nathan. I'm a little wary about him though. Number one, he's 33, the other end of my acceptable age range. Number two, he texts me a lot. Which wouldn't be all that bad if he had something to say. Problem is it's a constant barrage of "good morning", "how are you", "how was your night", followed by fairly undescriptive answers when I ask him back That's been going on for a while, without him making an attempt to coordinate a meet up. Finally I texted back "So . . . we've been texting for quite a while. Did you want to meet up or something?" Ha ha, a little blunt of me, but it was getting a little irritating. I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, though. Someone's gotta be willing to do that sometimes.
One or two other people that I've conversed with a bit on the dating website, but the conversation is limited. And the one who seems the most interested also lives quite far away. Like, farther than Ben. Which I'd rather not do.
I'd love to report that my mind is in a better place. It's not. I'd love to say that the dating I've been doing has been helping me move on from Ben. It's not. In fact I'd say today I felt just about the worst I've felt. The last several guys that I've messaged, some of whom I really seemed to have a good amount in common with, never responded. After getting rejected by Kenny for the same old tired reason and browsing more profiles on the dating website, I was feeling really down on myself. My career is stalled while all of these other guys my age are either in or graduated from professional or grad school. I took so freaking long to decide what I want to do (and am still wavering a bit) that now I feel totally behind the pack. Now, I know a dating profile is obviously going to be painted with a very rosy brush (heck, I remember when I first read Ben's profile . . . a teacher who loves his job? not quite . . . not to mention the whole straight thing now). But still, everyone just seems so confident. I was well on my way to building such confidence with Ben, but now that's been shattered. I also am, for the first time since meeting Ben, resenting my sexuality. And I don't just mean the low sex drive part. I mean the affinity for guys. Ben had me not only accepting, but being proud to be in a gay relationship. Not just because I loved him so much, but because he was someone that I could talk to about hot guys I saw. Someone I could discuss gay rights with. Now a part of me wishes I could take all that coming out crap back. My happiness with him was the only reason I was able to do it in the first place. Not having the drive to have sex makes me feel like a pretender going out with guys, and I'm sure I would feel just as much of a pretender going out with girls. So if I have to fake it regardless, why not just fake it with girls? But if I tried to date girls now I would find myself with the same uphill battle that Ben is facing. What girl would date a guy who just got out of a gay relationship?
The other reason I'm down is I realize I'm still so hung up on Ben. I can't get it out of my head how happy I was, and how happy he was at the beginning. And this makes me question whether all of those people are right. I was so determined to prove the naysayers wrong, to show that you can have a friendship with an ex after being dumped . . . well I have hope it will happen eventually. I just fear it will be a lot longer than I wanted. Which sucks because I could really use all of the close friends I can get now. He arguably became my best friend over the course of the last year, but now I can't so much as text him without making him freak out. Plus, doing so would violate the sacred Rules of Getting Over a Break-Up. Though I do value what we had, and I am glad that I've actually had a relationship now, and I did learn a lot . . . part of me wishes that I hadn't gotten greedy. That I had just accepted it when he rejected me the first time. Because if I can only have one or the other I think I would rather have a lifelong friend than an eight month relationship.
Okay, two paragraphs of doom and gloom. I hate being that guy. No one will want to read this blog anymore if I'm too much of a Debbie Downer, haha. So . . . things to be thankful for!
I am thankful for my friendship with Tom. I had dinner with him earlier this evening. We talked about the way I'm feeling about the break up, and how I feel like it had more to do with Ben's psychological and emotional issues rather than any real incompatibility or lack of chemistry between us. I spoke about my jealousy of a couple of my gay friends, who have managed to find lasting relationships while mine fizzled. Tom was very understanding. He went through a very tough breakup back in 2009, and I was there to witness the aftermath. It wasn't pretty. He gave me very encouraging words and advice. He's definitely won me over lately. I used to be on the fence about him. Basically felt a major emotional asymmetry in our friendship that I long felt guilty for (Ben dared to throw this at me during our last conversation, cheap shot). Now I feel like I've connected with him in a way that I was never able to before. Maybe my heartbreak gives us that one more thing in common we needed, haha.
I am thankful for my friendship with Janice. I had dinner with her the other night. She also spoke about her previous break up, and how long it took her to get over (well, she's still not entirely over it). She also made me feel better about Ben's behavior. She acknowledged that his email was a bit rude, but she pointed out that he didn't know whether my limited attempts at contact were the start of a barrage. I told her he should know me better than that. Her response: "He doesn't know Break-Up Cal." Touche. So, my anger at the email has faded.
I am thankful for my relationships with all the other people that have helped me through this time. My mom, my cousins, my friends Rick, Philip, Lance and Nina, You-Tube Guy, El Genio and the other bloggers who read this and leave advice (especially fan of casey, your words of wisdom never fail to make me feel better and I thank you for that), penpal Mike . . . the list goes on. Even when worries surface that I will be alone, I can think of all of the love and support I have in my life and feel a little less lonely.
I will leave you with a Dr. Seuss quote that penpal Mike emailed me: "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." I will try.
Saturday, March 9, 2013
The chemicals between us
Dating's going alright. I've been talking a lot with Kenny over the last couple days. We Google chatted a lot, and since Kenny wanted to do a webcam chat before meeting in person, we did that the other night for two hours. We had a good conversation, and he gave me several compliments. He said I am very easy to talk to, and he said I'm easy on the eyes :-) He is too. I met up with him in person today for lunch. I feel like the conversation got a little strained at points, probably because we'd covered so many topics via email and webcam before. Ugh, getting deja vu from my experience with Jake last year, haha. However, unlike with Jake, Kenny still seems to have some interest in me. I wasn't sure after the date ended since things were getting a little awkward, but I just texted him to tell him I enjoyed meeting him and he responded back that he looks forward to getting to know me better. So, we'll see where that goes. We might go hiking together next weekend.
As for Alex, I've been texting back and forth with him as well. He's pretty busy so we haven't scheduled a second meet up yet, but I think we will. Then there's a couple other guys that I've been chatting with that I haven't met up with yet. It really is a process, this dating thing.
I'm still concerned about chemistry. It seems like it's very common for things to seem really good when communicating online only for it to fizzle once we meet in person. I'm sure this is a common problem with dating. I'm just worried about my ability to find good chemistry with someone. The Ben situation made me all confused, since what I thought was good chemistry apparently wasn't. Maybe I haven't experienced good chemistry yet. I just worry about whether I'm charismatic, interesting, sexy enough. Heck, can someone with sexual desires as low as mine even be sexy?
Yesterday was my friend Phillip's birthday party. We went out to a bar, and afterward sobered up at an IHOP. There I got involved in a pretty interesting discussion about sexuality. I've never discussed that topic in a group setting before. It was interesting playing the role of the openly gay guy. I chatted with my friend Nina's boyfriend quite a bit. Turns out Nina wasn't aware of the concept of gay stereotypes. Her boyfriend and I were blown away. We had to explain to her that Jack from Will & Grace represents the "stereotypical" gay guy, whereas Will is more "straight acting" (apologies to those who don't like that term). It was actually kind of refreshing to find someone who was ignorant of stereotypes like that.
I also (in private) opened up to Nina about my general lack of sexual attractions. She assured me it will happen with the right person. I hope so. In the meantime I will continue to date guys for the same reasons I started . . . I tend to notice attractive ones more often and I tend to crush on them more often. Oh, and I successfully fell in love with one, there's that too.
As for Alex, I've been texting back and forth with him as well. He's pretty busy so we haven't scheduled a second meet up yet, but I think we will. Then there's a couple other guys that I've been chatting with that I haven't met up with yet. It really is a process, this dating thing.
I'm still concerned about chemistry. It seems like it's very common for things to seem really good when communicating online only for it to fizzle once we meet in person. I'm sure this is a common problem with dating. I'm just worried about my ability to find good chemistry with someone. The Ben situation made me all confused, since what I thought was good chemistry apparently wasn't. Maybe I haven't experienced good chemistry yet. I just worry about whether I'm charismatic, interesting, sexy enough. Heck, can someone with sexual desires as low as mine even be sexy?
Yesterday was my friend Phillip's birthday party. We went out to a bar, and afterward sobered up at an IHOP. There I got involved in a pretty interesting discussion about sexuality. I've never discussed that topic in a group setting before. It was interesting playing the role of the openly gay guy. I chatted with my friend Nina's boyfriend quite a bit. Turns out Nina wasn't aware of the concept of gay stereotypes. Her boyfriend and I were blown away. We had to explain to her that Jack from Will & Grace represents the "stereotypical" gay guy, whereas Will is more "straight acting" (apologies to those who don't like that term). It was actually kind of refreshing to find someone who was ignorant of stereotypes like that.
I also (in private) opened up to Nina about my general lack of sexual attractions. She assured me it will happen with the right person. I hope so. In the meantime I will continue to date guys for the same reasons I started . . . I tend to notice attractive ones more often and I tend to crush on them more often. Oh, and I successfully fell in love with one, there's that too.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Still looking back . . . but moving forward
So . . . not much new in the past couple days. Still working on letting go of my anger and getting back to the "peace of mind" I was feeling after the first conversation. The time of year complicates it a little bit . . . it was a year ago that I first met Ben. Sad that what could have been such a happy occasion is instead such a melancholy one. I'm not looking forward to Cinco de Mayo (what would have been our 1 year anniversary).
My latest theory about the break up, which I have adopted to try to reduce the cognitive dissonance it creates in my mind, centers on Ben's anxiety problems. Basically, I think he started out serious about the relationship. But a seed of doubt somehow got planted in his head. Instead of the healthy approach, which would have been addressing it with me, he buried it and allowed it to sprout and grow. His perception that I was fully gung ho about the relationship while he was not started to create an unpleasant anxiety response in him, especially when I showed affection or verbalized my appreciation for him. Eventually, this anxiety overrode any positive feelings and made the relationship unsustainable on his end. When I tried to bury the hatchet and smooth things over last week, what little contact I initiated (text, email, Words with Friends), triggered that same anxiety response and reminded him of his guilt. He decided to request that we continue keeping our distance, but unfortunately in his attempt to sound authoritative in his email he instead came across cold and condescending. Which pissed me off and led to our heated conversation, during which he accused me of trying to "reinvent the wheel."
Well, now many people have weighed in on the situation. I think we were both in the wrong. He was wrong to be so rude. There are many ways he could have requested that I slow down with rebuilding the friendship without coming across as patronizing. He was also wrong to overreact to my attempts to start the relationship off on the right foot . . . though I understand it was more of a preemptive move on his part. He was afraid the contact would increase if left unchecked. I was wrong to jump the gun and think that we could start being friends so soon after the break up. I was willing to give it a try and assess my feelings as I went . . . which is the right approach . . . but it was just too soon. I was also wrong to assume that I was the only one that had healing to do, that it was completely up to me when it was time to be friends. Though it goes against my proactive nature, I need to just step back and let things run their course. I have other things to attend to in the meantime. Other friends. Dating. Work. Figuring out what my next step should be career wise.
So . . . dating. I've been meeting up with guys from the dating website. Four so far. It seems like I generally like the guys this time around better than last year. I think it's because I'm being more discerning. My goal is no longer just to get dating experience and try things out. Now it's to see if there's other guys out there that I can really click with, as friends or otherwise. The emphasis is definitely on friends for right now.
Two of the guys I've met up with were actually carry overs from last year, guys that I had chatted with online but had never met up with. Both of them were really nice. We had great conversation, and they were pretty attractive. Especially the second one. I'll call him Alex. Really fun guy. We had dinner and got a drink afterward. I'm not sure how much he liked me in person as the level of contact has dropped off, but I texted him and he was open to meeting up again. He's about to change jobs though so he's pretty busy at the moment.
Yesterday I met up with Guy # 4. He kind of surprised me. From his messages and profile he came across as quite jovial and gregarious, but in person he was a little more serious. Still very talkative and inquisitive, though. We had great conversation that lasted well past dinner. He's in the process of applying to grad school though (ugh), so he might not be sticking around much longer. I did like him, and we talked about going hiking at some point.
I LOVE hiking. Absolutely my favorite thing to do on a date. And so many guys like to do it too! It's great, you get to explore, be in nature, and get to know someone at the same time. I've been talking to this really nice guy, I'll call him Kenny, and have made tentative plans to meet up for hiking soon. He's pretty young . . . 5 years younger than me which is about as young as I'll go. The range I've been working with is 5 years younger to 5 years older. So basically, I'm looking for guys that were also born in the eighties. Kenny just makes the cut :-)
In fact I just paused in my typing of this to respond to Kenny's latest email. Turns out he's a bit hesitant to meet in person because he just got out of a break-up. Well what do you know. I told him I'm in the same boat, so there's no pressure.
My latest theory about the break up, which I have adopted to try to reduce the cognitive dissonance it creates in my mind, centers on Ben's anxiety problems. Basically, I think he started out serious about the relationship. But a seed of doubt somehow got planted in his head. Instead of the healthy approach, which would have been addressing it with me, he buried it and allowed it to sprout and grow. His perception that I was fully gung ho about the relationship while he was not started to create an unpleasant anxiety response in him, especially when I showed affection or verbalized my appreciation for him. Eventually, this anxiety overrode any positive feelings and made the relationship unsustainable on his end. When I tried to bury the hatchet and smooth things over last week, what little contact I initiated (text, email, Words with Friends), triggered that same anxiety response and reminded him of his guilt. He decided to request that we continue keeping our distance, but unfortunately in his attempt to sound authoritative in his email he instead came across cold and condescending. Which pissed me off and led to our heated conversation, during which he accused me of trying to "reinvent the wheel."
Well, now many people have weighed in on the situation. I think we were both in the wrong. He was wrong to be so rude. There are many ways he could have requested that I slow down with rebuilding the friendship without coming across as patronizing. He was also wrong to overreact to my attempts to start the relationship off on the right foot . . . though I understand it was more of a preemptive move on his part. He was afraid the contact would increase if left unchecked. I was wrong to jump the gun and think that we could start being friends so soon after the break up. I was willing to give it a try and assess my feelings as I went . . . which is the right approach . . . but it was just too soon. I was also wrong to assume that I was the only one that had healing to do, that it was completely up to me when it was time to be friends. Though it goes against my proactive nature, I need to just step back and let things run their course. I have other things to attend to in the meantime. Other friends. Dating. Work. Figuring out what my next step should be career wise.
So . . . dating. I've been meeting up with guys from the dating website. Four so far. It seems like I generally like the guys this time around better than last year. I think it's because I'm being more discerning. My goal is no longer just to get dating experience and try things out. Now it's to see if there's other guys out there that I can really click with, as friends or otherwise. The emphasis is definitely on friends for right now.
Two of the guys I've met up with were actually carry overs from last year, guys that I had chatted with online but had never met up with. Both of them were really nice. We had great conversation, and they were pretty attractive. Especially the second one. I'll call him Alex. Really fun guy. We had dinner and got a drink afterward. I'm not sure how much he liked me in person as the level of contact has dropped off, but I texted him and he was open to meeting up again. He's about to change jobs though so he's pretty busy at the moment.
Yesterday I met up with Guy # 4. He kind of surprised me. From his messages and profile he came across as quite jovial and gregarious, but in person he was a little more serious. Still very talkative and inquisitive, though. We had great conversation that lasted well past dinner. He's in the process of applying to grad school though (ugh), so he might not be sticking around much longer. I did like him, and we talked about going hiking at some point.
I LOVE hiking. Absolutely my favorite thing to do on a date. And so many guys like to do it too! It's great, you get to explore, be in nature, and get to know someone at the same time. I've been talking to this really nice guy, I'll call him Kenny, and have made tentative plans to meet up for hiking soon. He's pretty young . . . 5 years younger than me which is about as young as I'll go. The range I've been working with is 5 years younger to 5 years older. So basically, I'm looking for guys that were also born in the eighties. Kenny just makes the cut :-)
In fact I just paused in my typing of this to respond to Kenny's latest email. Turns out he's a bit hesitant to meet in person because he just got out of a break-up. Well what do you know. I told him I'm in the same boat, so there's no pressure.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Update
Quick update, because I never like to leave a super emotional post as the most recent one for long :-)
I'm feeling better today. I slept in super late, which I think I really needed. Sleep really does heal.
When I logged on I noticed the anonymous comment on the last entry. I appreciate it, and yes I agree that I was (am) too hung up on being friends with Ben. I disagree that the goal of being friends is "clearly ridiculous" though. It has hit a snag, mostly because I tried to rush the process. But I'm confident it will happen some day. Call me stubborn, I don't care :-) fan of casey is right though . . . I have to resist my normal tendency to be proactive and instead just go with the flow and let things happen in their own time. So yes I agree that I need to cut Ben out of my life. But I do not agree that it has to be forever, that I should write him off completely.
I know it's bad that I'm down on myself. I know there will be others that I will really like, other relationships. I guess I'm just paranoid of this happening again. My scientific mind keeps searching for the reason why this happened to prevent history from repeating itself.
In other news, I'm up in LA this weekend hanging out with my cousin Roger. About to go to a party, then tomorrow I'll meet up with my new gay friend that I met the last time I was in LA.
Until next time!
I'm feeling better today. I slept in super late, which I think I really needed. Sleep really does heal.
When I logged on I noticed the anonymous comment on the last entry. I appreciate it, and yes I agree that I was (am) too hung up on being friends with Ben. I disagree that the goal of being friends is "clearly ridiculous" though. It has hit a snag, mostly because I tried to rush the process. But I'm confident it will happen some day. Call me stubborn, I don't care :-) fan of casey is right though . . . I have to resist my normal tendency to be proactive and instead just go with the flow and let things happen in their own time. So yes I agree that I need to cut Ben out of my life. But I do not agree that it has to be forever, that I should write him off completely.
I know it's bad that I'm down on myself. I know there will be others that I will really like, other relationships. I guess I'm just paranoid of this happening again. My scientific mind keeps searching for the reason why this happened to prevent history from repeating itself.
In other news, I'm up in LA this weekend hanging out with my cousin Roger. About to go to a party, then tomorrow I'll meet up with my new gay friend that I met the last time I was in LA.
Until next time!
Friday, March 1, 2013
Headful of ghosts
Hello all.
Thanks for the comments/texts/emails about the last entry. It makes me feel better to hear other people say that my contact was not excessive. I certainly didn't think it was at the time, but Ben made me feel very self-conscious and embarrassed.
It's been a rough week. I was feeling SO much better about everything after the first conversation, but his email/2nd conversation has really made me slide backward. I've been waking up early every morning and have been having trouble getting back to sleep. The patronizing tone of his email keeps replaying in my head. This is what is best for your healing process, he says, while doing a great job of stunting it himself. It's like he took a sharp object away from me with one hand and stabbed me with the other. Consequently it's now proving to be harder than ever to exorcise the ghost of our relationship from my psyche.
Not that it was his intention to hurt me, as always. He honestly thinks he's doing what's best. Maybe he is. Maybe I tried to rush into the friendship stage too fast, maybe I overestimated my own ability to handle a platonic friendship at this point (not that I was given the chance to even try). I just hope I haven't screwed things up for good.
I can't count down to any closure-seeking conversation this time. I don't know when Ben will reach out. As fan of casey said, it may be a long time. When I spoke to him he said that he would be afraid of leading me on if he called. I told him that's what communication is good for . . . to make one's intentions clear.
While during the first conversation I was glad that I had shared this blog with him, now I am wishing I hadn't. My friend Philip relayed his mom's advice to me: when someone breaks up with you . . . don't let them see how much they've hurt you. I don't know, maybe I was hoping that if Ben read all of the nice things I had written about him, it might touch him enough to second guess himself. Instead, it made him realize just how into him I was, and by comparison just how not into me he was.
I know it's immature, but I feel like yelling at him "You started it!" I was holding back a bit at the beginning of the relationship, when everything was new. Having known that Ben had initially not been interested in me, I was cautious about moving too fast. Once Ben said the magic words "I love you" it was like a green light to allow myself to love him. It's like we were at the top of a waterfall, Ben shouted "Let's go!" but I was the only one to actually take the plunge. I spent my time happily swimming in blissful ignorance until I finally realized I was by myself.
A fellow blogger sent me an email questioning why a friendship with Ben is so important to me. It's a good question. I've never had an easy time making new friends, especially close friends. Making a new addition to my close friends happens maybe once every couple years. So there's that, my perception that people that I click with in that way are so hard to come by. And obviously there is the fact that Ben makes me happy. I feel better about myself when I'm around him. Also, I tend to be fiercely loyal. Despite the fact the Ben broke my heart, he still played an important role in my life this past year. I care about him and want to be there for him in whatever capacity I can.
My tendency to put so much emotional investment in relationships is dangerous. It sets me up for massive disappointment. It happened with Lance and it has now happened with Ben.
I still find myself questioning if I did something wrong in the relationship. If I was too vulnerable, too transparent, too predictable, too anxious.
I don't want to screw up next time I find someone I really like.
Thanks for the comments/texts/emails about the last entry. It makes me feel better to hear other people say that my contact was not excessive. I certainly didn't think it was at the time, but Ben made me feel very self-conscious and embarrassed.
It's been a rough week. I was feeling SO much better about everything after the first conversation, but his email/2nd conversation has really made me slide backward. I've been waking up early every morning and have been having trouble getting back to sleep. The patronizing tone of his email keeps replaying in my head. This is what is best for your healing process, he says, while doing a great job of stunting it himself. It's like he took a sharp object away from me with one hand and stabbed me with the other. Consequently it's now proving to be harder than ever to exorcise the ghost of our relationship from my psyche.
Not that it was his intention to hurt me, as always. He honestly thinks he's doing what's best. Maybe he is. Maybe I tried to rush into the friendship stage too fast, maybe I overestimated my own ability to handle a platonic friendship at this point (not that I was given the chance to even try). I just hope I haven't screwed things up for good.
I can't count down to any closure-seeking conversation this time. I don't know when Ben will reach out. As fan of casey said, it may be a long time. When I spoke to him he said that he would be afraid of leading me on if he called. I told him that's what communication is good for . . . to make one's intentions clear.
While during the first conversation I was glad that I had shared this blog with him, now I am wishing I hadn't. My friend Philip relayed his mom's advice to me: when someone breaks up with you . . . don't let them see how much they've hurt you. I don't know, maybe I was hoping that if Ben read all of the nice things I had written about him, it might touch him enough to second guess himself. Instead, it made him realize just how into him I was, and by comparison just how not into me he was.
I know it's immature, but I feel like yelling at him "You started it!" I was holding back a bit at the beginning of the relationship, when everything was new. Having known that Ben had initially not been interested in me, I was cautious about moving too fast. Once Ben said the magic words "I love you" it was like a green light to allow myself to love him. It's like we were at the top of a waterfall, Ben shouted "Let's go!" but I was the only one to actually take the plunge. I spent my time happily swimming in blissful ignorance until I finally realized I was by myself.
A fellow blogger sent me an email questioning why a friendship with Ben is so important to me. It's a good question. I've never had an easy time making new friends, especially close friends. Making a new addition to my close friends happens maybe once every couple years. So there's that, my perception that people that I click with in that way are so hard to come by. And obviously there is the fact that Ben makes me happy. I feel better about myself when I'm around him. Also, I tend to be fiercely loyal. Despite the fact the Ben broke my heart, he still played an important role in my life this past year. I care about him and want to be there for him in whatever capacity I can.
My tendency to put so much emotional investment in relationships is dangerous. It sets me up for massive disappointment. It happened with Lance and it has now happened with Ben.
I still find myself questioning if I did something wrong in the relationship. If I was too vulnerable, too transparent, too predictable, too anxious.
I don't want to screw up next time I find someone I really like.
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