Attachment

It's been a while since I wrote an entry. Quite a lot has happened.

First of all, I had my first sexual experience with someone other than Ben. Josh came to my neck of the woods and we ended up having quite the time in the bedroom. I'd say I actually enjoyed myself more than I ever did with Ben. I tried bottoming, which wasn't anywhere near as unpleasant as I feared it would be. I was surprisingly relaxed during the whole experience. Josh really is a very considerate guy, which made it so much easier. He is clearly confused about his sexuality though. Even though he did enjoy himself, he expressed doubt afterward about being able to have a relationship with a guy. I'm glad I had the experience though. I feel like we both gained from it.

Ben's birthday was a couple days ago. After much back and forth about it, I decided to send him an email to wish him happy birthday. This was the first contact I have had with him since March. I also thanked him for meeting up with Roger to give him career advice. Ben responded later that night to thank me for the birthday wishes. He also asked me about work and my current career plans. I haven't responded yet. I'm not sure I really want to start a dialogue at this point. I had a rather vivid dream about Ben last night, and I woke up missing him again.

I am reading a book that has been helping me immensely. It's called "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find and Keep Love." It is about attachment theory, which holds that people fall into three different attachment styles when it comes to relationships: secure, anxious, and avoidant.  Secure people are comfortable with intimacy, are good communicators, and do not overly obsess about relationships. Anxious people constantly fear that their relationships are on shaky ground, they crave closeness, and they are often preoccupied with their relationships. Avoidant people tend to keep their partners at arm's length and are uncomfortable with too much intimacy. The book holds that relationships between anxious and avoidant people are often troubled. The avoidant person reacts to increased intimacy by pulling back, which causes the anxious person to seek more closeness. Thus a vicious cycle is created.

As I mentioned in a previous entry, Ben definitely shows signs of having an avoidant attachment style. He was uncomfortable with too much affection, gave mixed signals from very early on, and subscribes to the idea of "the one," which the book claims is a common distancing strategy for avoidant types. As for myself, at least in the context of that relationship, I exhibited an anxious attachment style. Reading this book is definitely helping me move away from blaming myself for the dissolution of the relationship. It could very well be that our attachment styles were simply incompatible.

I took a bit of a hiatus from dating after the three promising guys all failed to go anywhere. Nick disappeared off the face of the Earth, Josh isn't relationship material, and Kyle is still traveling for work. Yesterday I finally reached out to some people on OkCupid, so we'll see if any of those go anywhere.

Phew! Okay, until next time!

  

Over now

As is always the case, I feel better today after talking to a few friends and family members.

I hesitate to write more about the Ben situation. He told me he wouldn't read my blog anymore . . . but he also told me a lot of things that weren't true. He's an impulsive person, who is likely dealing with some cognitive dissonance after dragging my emotions through the wringer, and here there's a site with his ex-boyfriend opening up about all the pain he's caused. Now that I've stopped communication with him, does he have the willpower to refrain from sneaking a peek? I don't know. I feel like one of my biggest errors was sharing this URL with him. Yes, it made the first conversation we had more straight-forward, but it probably also added to his guilt and anxiety. Oh well. What's done is done.

I am definitely learning a lesson about letting others negatively affect my life. The latest turn of events has somehow made me feel more powerful. I think I know why. By publicly announcing his rebound relationship practically on the would-have-been anniversary of our relationship, I feel like Ben has hit a new low. That is not classy, and I have lost a good deal of respect for him. I feel like the much bigger man, because I can't imagine myself ever doing such a thing. Now, you guys are right. I don't know the details of this relationship. I don't feel jealous about it . . . the odds are not in favor of it being a successful one. I know I can't read Ben's mind. But any way you look at it, it's kind of fucked up.

I am a forgiving person and I'm sure I will come around eventually. I do not like to hold grudges. I've done it before and the negativity just doesn't feel healthy. It is in my nature to give him the benefit of the doubt, so I will. He probably didn't even think of the timing. He probably got caught up in the excitement of his new relationship, which is probably with someone who has helped him get over whatever lingering guilt and regret he might be feeling over what he did to our relationship. Just like a year ago I helped him get over his career stress. And I don't think his poking around on my Facebook and liking things was an attempt to draw my attention to his new status, even though that's what happened. He probably saw my "Forgiveness" video and thought it was in response to his relationship status . . . though I had posted it prior to finding out. So he probably felt safe to test the waters, to send some (minuscule) good will my way. Kind of funny, actually, this whole situation.

The silver lining: I've been cured of my desire to seek friendship with him. I'm now willing to just go with the flow. There are a hundred other things that are more important than focusing on how to be friends with someone who can't even show a little courtesy toward someone that once loved him.

Still looking back . . . but moving forward

So . . . not much new in the past couple days. Still working on letting go of my anger and getting back to the "peace of mind" I was feeling after the first conversation. The time of year complicates it a little bit . . . it was a year ago that I first met Ben. Sad that what could have been such a happy occasion is instead such a melancholy one. I'm not looking forward to Cinco de Mayo (what would have been our 1 year anniversary).

My latest theory about the break up, which I have adopted to try to reduce the cognitive dissonance it creates in my mind, centers on Ben's anxiety problems. Basically, I think he started out serious about the relationship. But a seed of doubt somehow got planted in his head. Instead of the healthy approach, which would have been addressing it with me, he buried it and allowed it to sprout and grow. His perception that I was fully gung ho about the relationship while he was not started to create an unpleasant anxiety response in him, especially when I showed affection or verbalized my appreciation for him. Eventually, this anxiety overrode any positive feelings and made the relationship unsustainable on his end. When I tried to bury the hatchet and smooth things over last week, what little contact I initiated (text, email, Words with Friends), triggered that same anxiety response and reminded him of his guilt. He decided to request that we continue keeping our distance, but unfortunately in his attempt to sound authoritative in his email he instead came across cold and condescending. Which pissed me off and led to our heated conversation, during which he accused me of trying to "reinvent the wheel."

Well, now many people have weighed in on the situation. I think we were both in the wrong. He was wrong to be so rude. There are many ways he could have requested that I slow down with rebuilding the friendship without coming across as patronizing. He was also wrong to overreact to my attempts to start the relationship off on the right foot . . . though I understand it was more of a preemptive move on his part. He was afraid the contact would increase if left unchecked. I was wrong to jump the gun and think that we could start being friends so soon after the break up. I was willing to give it a try and assess my feelings as I went . . . which is the right approach . . . but it was just too soon. I was also wrong to assume that I was the only one that had healing to do, that it was completely up to me when it was time to be friends. Though it goes against my proactive nature, I need to just step back and let things run their course. I have other things to attend to in the meantime. Other friends. Dating. Work. Figuring out what my next step should be career wise.

So . . . dating. I've been meeting up with guys from the dating website. Four so far. It seems like I generally like the guys this time around better than last year. I think it's because I'm being more discerning. My goal is no longer just to get dating experience and try things out. Now it's to see if there's other guys out there that I can really click with, as friends or otherwise. The emphasis is definitely on friends for right now.

Two of the guys I've met up with were actually carry overs from last year, guys that I had chatted with online but had never met up with. Both of them were really nice. We had great conversation, and they were pretty attractive. Especially the second one. I'll call him Alex. Really fun guy. We had dinner and got a drink afterward. I'm not sure how much he liked me in person as the level of contact has dropped off, but I texted him and he was open to meeting up again. He's about to change jobs though so he's pretty busy at the moment.

Yesterday I met up with Guy # 4. He kind of surprised me. From his messages and profile he came across as quite jovial and gregarious, but in person he was a little more serious. Still very talkative and inquisitive, though. We had great conversation that lasted well past dinner. He's in the process of applying to grad school though (ugh), so he might not be sticking around much longer. I did like him, and we talked about going hiking at some point.

I LOVE hiking. Absolutely my favorite thing to do on a date. And so many guys like to do it too! It's great, you get to explore, be in nature, and get to know someone at the same time. I've been talking to this really nice guy, I'll call him Kenny, and have made tentative plans to meet up for hiking soon. He's pretty young . . . 5 years younger than me which is about as young as I'll go. The range I've been working with is 5 years younger to 5 years older. So basically, I'm looking for guys that were also born in the eighties. Kenny just makes the cut :-)

In fact I just paused in my typing of this to respond to Kenny's latest email. Turns out he's a bit hesitant to meet in person because he just got out of a break-up. Well what do you know. I told him I'm in the same boat, so there's no pressure.

Headful of ghosts

Hello all.

Thanks for the comments/texts/emails about the last entry. It makes me feel better to hear other people say that my contact was not excessive. I certainly didn't think it was at the time, but Ben made me feel very self-conscious and embarrassed.

It's been a rough week. I was feeling SO much better about everything after the first conversation, but his email/2nd conversation has really made me slide backward. I've been waking up early every morning and have been having trouble getting back to sleep. The patronizing tone of his email keeps replaying in my head. This is what is best for your healing process, he says, while doing a great job of stunting it himself. It's like he took a sharp object away from me with one hand and stabbed me with the other. Consequently it's now proving to be harder than ever to exorcise the ghost of our relationship from my psyche.

Not that it was his intention to hurt me, as always. He honestly thinks he's doing what's best. Maybe he is. Maybe I tried to rush into the friendship stage too fast, maybe I overestimated my own ability to handle a platonic friendship at this point (not that I was given the chance to even try). I just hope I haven't screwed things up for good.

I can't count down to any closure-seeking conversation this time. I don't know when Ben will reach out. As fan of casey said, it may be a long time. When I spoke to him he said that he would be afraid of leading me on if he called. I told him that's what communication is good for . . . to make one's intentions clear.

While during the first conversation I was glad that I had shared this blog with him, now I am wishing I hadn't. My friend Philip relayed his mom's advice to me: when someone breaks up with you . . . don't let them see how much they've hurt you. I don't know, maybe I was hoping that if Ben read all of the nice things I had written about him, it might touch him enough to second guess himself. Instead, it made him realize just how into him I was, and by comparison just how not into me he was.

I know it's immature, but I feel like yelling at him "You started it!" I was holding back a bit at the beginning of the relationship, when everything was new. Having known that Ben had initially not been interested in me, I was cautious about moving too fast. Once Ben said the magic words "I love you" it was like a green light to allow myself to love him. It's like we were at the top of a waterfall, Ben shouted "Let's go!" but I was the only one to actually take the plunge. I spent my time happily swimming in blissful ignorance until I finally realized I was by myself.

 A fellow blogger sent me an email questioning why a friendship with Ben is so important to me. It's a good question. I've never had an easy time making new friends, especially close friends. Making a new addition to my close friends happens maybe once every couple years. So there's that, my perception that people that I click with in that way are so hard to come by. And obviously there is the fact that Ben makes me happy. I feel better about myself when I'm around him. Also, I tend to be fiercely loyal. Despite the fact the Ben broke my heart, he still played an important role in my life this past year. I care about him and want to be there for him in whatever capacity I can.

My tendency to put so much emotional investment in relationships is dangerous. It sets me up for massive disappointment. It happened with Lance and it has now happened with Ben.

I still find myself questioning if I did something wrong in the relationship. If I was too vulnerable, too transparent, too predictable, too anxious.

I don't want to screw up next time I find someone I really like.

She'll never be your man

Hello everyone.

It's been more than 3 weeks since the break-up. I still haven't had any contact with Ben. I'm holding out at least one more week, and even then I think it will just be a brief call for starters. The pain is still too great and I miss him too much.

I went up to LA for the first time since the break-up yesterday, for a friend's birthday. We spent the whole day and much of the night walking around downtown LA. It was a lot of fun, except passing so many places I had been with Ben was quite difficult, as was knowing that his house was a 10 minute drive from where we were. The night kind of ended up a bust . . . a friend of a friend who was in the group got wasted and kicked out of the bar we were in . . . then wouldn't get let into any other bars. By the end of the night I was tired and feeling really sad.

One interesting thing about the day . . . another friend of a friend tagged along who was pretty cute. Turns out he's gay and newly out. I chatted with him quite a bit. Nice guy, just moved over from Europe. Mixed ethnicity (just like Ben, oh boy). He added me on Facebook and asked me to drop him a line next time I'm up in LA. At the very least, I have a new LA buddy!

I've started chatting and meeting up with guys from the dating site again. I met up with one Thursday night at a local bar. We've been Facebook friends since last year, but never met up in person. He knew about my breakup and so it was more of a friend get-together than an actual date. He was really cool. Slightly on the feminine-acting side, which I don't always find attractive, but then again Ben had a little bit of that too and I grew to like it. We had a great conversation, and he has a really good sense of humor. I think I'll be seeing him again.

Today I went on a date with a guy who is quite a bit younger than me (by five years). He's really cute and nice, but I didn't really feel the right "chemistry" (oh great, now I'm saying it). He was a bit on the quiet side, and a little too boyish for me. I don't want to date someone who still looks like a teenager. I also need someone a bit more outgoing, who can carry on a conversation without me having to do most of the work. Too many awkward silences. Still, a really nice guy and I wouldn't mind seeing him again. He texted me afterward to see if I would be interested in meeting up again. I said yes, but with the caveat that it would have to be as friends.

There's another guy I've been chatting with who I like quite a lot. Based on his messages he seems like he would be quite talkative and funny. We've made plans to go hiking at some point. I think I will wait at least a week if not more. I want to take things slow for now since I'm still hurting from my break-up.

Oh, and curiosity got the better of me. I checked Ben's profile on the dating website after it disappeared from my search results. Now he's listed as "straight." I assume this is because he figures it will be easier for him to meet up with girls that way than if he's listed as "bisexual". Then I presume he would tell them the truth a couple dates in. Still, a pattern is definitely emerging. For someone who supposedly values honesty, he is definitely not above fudging the truth to make things easier for himself. Whether it's telling me the relationship is going well for him (until he's ready to tell the truth . . . too late) or labeling himself as straight on the website. Basically, he's honest but only on his own terms and in his own time. Let's see how far that gets him in future relationships.

I'm working under the assumption that Ben does not read this even though I gave him the link. I figure he doesn't care enough to read it. If he does . . . well, feel free to announce yourself in the comments. Sorry for all the harsh words but . . . well you kinda deserve them. At the same time, I really feel sorry for you and the confused state you must be in about what you want. Believe me, as you may be able to tell from the title of this blog I am no stranger to confusion. If only you had opened up to me about this sooner, we could have talked about things and maybe I could have helped you start to sort things out. Maybe someday I will still get that chance. But before that happens, before we can be friends . . . I'm going to have to learn to trust you again.

Don't look back in anger

Hi everyone.

First of all, thank you so much for all of the thoughtful comments. Even though I haven't met (most) of you in person, it warms my heart to receive your sympathy and advice. I'm sorry I couldn't give my story a happy ending with Ben. That was part of the reason I chose to continue this blog well into our relationship, even after I ceased to be "all mixed up" about it. I wanted to give hope to any other confused, doubtful guys out there that they could find the relationship of their dreams.

Well, even if the relationship ultimately didn't go the way I wanted it to, I still hope that anyone reading this can take something positive away from it. Just a year ago I was still in the midst of confusion and a years-long analysis paralysis. I finally took a leap of faith into the dating scene, which started out as just an experiment. I had doubts about whether I could find a guy in real life with whom I would be interested in pursuing a relationship. In no time at all, I met an amazing guy who I thought was attractive, nice, and interesting. Though he initially just wanted to be friends, I pursued him and entered into a wonderful, exciting eight and a half month relationship with him. I hit so many milestones during that time. I came out to the rest of my family and friends. I took him to my ten year high school reunion and thus came out to many of my high school acquaintances. I experienced sexual activities for the first time. I learned how to be affectionate and intimate in a romantic way, and found that I greatly enjoyed it. I learned to be comfortable in my own skin, to embrace my attraction to guys and discuss it openly with someone. And now that I've experienced heartbreak, I've hit another milestone that so many people face at least once in their lives.

I will remember my times with Ben for the rest of my life. As difficult a year as 2010 was for me (Europe trip excluded of course), 2012 was overall amazing. Yes, it did have the stress of applications (which also didn't pan out), but Ben helped shelter me so much from the stress I may have experienced otherwise. We did so many fun things together . . . concerts, bike riding, hiking, movies, cuddling, trips to Catalina, San Francisco and my parents' house in the Midwest, kayaking, karaoke (which I had never done before I met him, now I can't wait to do it again), and so much more. I may have eventually tried sky diving, but who knows, maybe I'll do that with someone else some day. We met multiple members of each other's families and close friends, building up a shared social network. We talked, joked, and laughed. We counseled each other through the worries and doubts of life. We spoke every day, and I thoroughly enjoyed the opportunity to get to know another person so intimately.

In the end, I think what brought our relationship to a close was a discrepancy in our desires. I'm trying to move away from blaming my own actions or inactions. I realize that the most important part of a romantic relationship for me is companionship. When people refer to their significant other as their "best friend" or their "better half" . . . that's what I want more than anything. That's why I felt so fulfilled by my relationship, because I had that in spades. Ben, however, seems to desire more. To him that "spark," that "chemistry" is a necessary element. Perhaps it is my less sexual nature that makes it hard for me to grasp this. To me it seems that those types of passionate feelings, though great, are fleeting, often rooted in lust and are a poor substitute for true compatibility in the long run. They can ebb and flow, and sometimes are built up over time. Ben seems to feel that they are either there, or they aren't. He's not alone, after doing an internet search it seems to be pretty common for some people to treat chemistry as "all or nothing" and others to treat it as more of a process.

So once again I am troubled by my low sex drive. Though Ben claimed it wasn't an issue, I wonder whether our "chemistry" would have improved if I was more sexually driven. Oh well, back to the drawing board. Gotta play the best game you can with the cards you've been dealt.

As far as Ben is concerned, I look forward to the day when we can be friends. I don't know how long it is appropriate to wait before asking to meet up again. I'm thinking a month, just to give me time to flush as much bitterness and frustration out of myself as I can. I know this entry has a noticeably more positive tone to it then the last couple. Well, I'm sick of being angry. I don't want to harbor a grudge toward Ben. He did what he felt was best. Maybe he didn't do it in the best way he could have, but he's only human. He's a very caring person, and I know he would only hurt me if he felt like it was necessary to avoid greater hurt for both of us down the road. Who knows, maybe someday he will regret his decision. Maybe by chasing something elusive and intangible he is giving up something that could have been great. But if that's the case, there's only one way he'll learn that. If he'd stayed with me, he may have always had the discontent born from the feeling that he could have something better. It would have bred resentment.  I certainly didn't feel like I was "settling," but if he stayed with me maybe he would have felt that way.

As for me, I would love to think I can find that elusive passion as well. I'm not convinced that I'm wired for it, but who knows.

Somebody that I used to know

The post-relationship gloom continues. My mom flew into town yesterday, so I was able to talk to her in person about my woes. She agrees with me that Ben's actions don't make much sense. She feels that what we had is what really matters in the long run. Her and my dad don't have much in common, and she questions whether she would make the same choice if given the chance. Meanwhile, my sister has spent years chasing after excitement and passion, passing up perfectly good, compatible guys, and now is in yet another failing relationship.

Not to say that chemistry and passion are not important. I just think what we had was special and rare enough to put a little more work into it. Heck, back in June I wrote an entry describing something very similar to what Ben was feeling. I felt that his feelings were stronger than mine, and I felt guilty about it. True, I did also write that my doubts tended to subside in his presence, which might not be true for him . . . but still, I got over it. and my feelings grew stronger.

The part that bothers me the most? It was a four day turn around between Ben telling me about his problems and him breaking it off. Especially because he said during the first conversation that he wanted to try to make things work. That he would "love" for things to work out. He said that now that everything was out in the open, we could see how things went. I don't know what changed his mind (or more likely, who . . . he has openly admitted to being easily swayed by the opinions and ideas of others), but it saddens me deeply that he didn't feel our relationship was worth a little mutual effort. Relationships take effort after all!

I just can't believe that you can be with someone for 8+ months and then break things off so suddenly. Why didn't he tell me about his issues sooner? Why did he lead me on, telling me he was doing fine in the relationship every time I asked? Why was he the first one to say "I love you" if we supposedly didn't have any "chemistry"?

It is a risk being so candid here now that Ben knows the URL for my blog. Perhaps it was a bit too impulsive of me to share it with him. However, I figure if he reads this it means he at least cares a little bit.

Bringin' on the heartbreak

Thursday night Ben gave me the talk. He broke up with me. I'm not letting him go just yet. I sent him an email just now explaining my side. I hope he takes it to heart and reads it with an open mind. I also shared this blog with him, including some posts I wanted him to read. Who knows, maybe he will read this entry.

Basically, he feels the chemistry is lacking between us. Back at the third date he apparently didn't feel chemistry (what the heck was I feeling then?) After the month in the friend zone his feelings changed, but I guess over the course of the relationship they waned again. He says we look good "on paper" and we're super compatible, but he just doesn't feel the "spark." (Goddamn that spark! Bane of my existence.) In the email I argued that what we have is rare and special, and that I feel he jumped the gun by breaking things off less than a week after he first informed me of this. Relationships take work after all. I feel he has unrealistic expectations (he wants to feel butterflies, etc). So basically he's throwing away a perfectly good, healthy relationship to go chase butterflies. Meanwhile, what we had is what truly lasting, fulfilling, long-term relationships are made of. 

On the way home from work last night I started sobbing uncontrollably. It happened again later that night. I haven't cried like that since I was a kid. I'm in that infamous place where everything reminds me of Ben. One glance at the framed picture of us in my room (that he got me for my birthday) and I was bawling like a baby.

I love his company so much, that in some twisted way I actually enjoyed the break up conversation . . . just because I was in his presence. And he was so considerate during it. At one point I said, "You probably don't want to talk about this anymore." His reply: "We can talk about this as long as you want." 

He said he wants to be friends, if that's okay. And of course I would like that. The thought of having him completely gone from my life is not pleasant. I just hope that I'll be strong enough when it comes to that. 

  

Been Away Too Long

Hey all,

I'm still around. Just been really busy lately. I'm gearing up for my trip to the Midwest next week with Ben. We'll be flying out Tuesday and coming back Saturday. It will be the most time I've spent with him in the six months that we've been together, so I'm excited about that. Yep, six months! We celebrated earlier this month by going back to the place where we first met in Long Beach. We didn't go to the same bar though. Instead we ate dinner at a really good Mediterranean Place (one of my favorite types of food). We also walked around the waterfront for a while. It was beautiful, and romantic.

Things haven't been totally 100% perfect (are they ever?) Some of the initial magic has worn off as we've gotten to know each other more and more. Not to say we like each other less, I think we're just moving out of that initial "honey moon phase" after you first start a relationship. The imbalance in how we show affection is still a recurring issue, with me often feeling like he is not affectionate enough. I've noticed that he doesn't compliment me as much as he used to, even though I still try to compliment him on a regular basis. On the bright side, I still see Ben every weekend and greatly enjoy my time with him. He's getting more and more attractive since he's really gotten into working out since we started dating. We talk multiple times every day and it still makes me happy to look down at my buzzing phone and see his smiling face.

Ben is going through quite a lot of stress lately as he struggles to make ends meet with his part-time job while looking for full-time work. That may explain why he sometimes seems a bit standoffish. I have my own stresses to deal with as well, as I'm playing the waiting game while schools review my application materials.

The other day I heard from my best-gay-friend, aka YouTube Guy. He's thinking of proposing to his boyfriend! I'm not sure it's wise to move that fast (they've only been together for 8 months), but I'm happy that he seems to have gotten through his period of confusion.

In honor of the new Soundgarden album (their first in 15 years!!) Here is their first single. An appropriate title for this blog entry!

Long time

With this entry, I'm going to bring the whole "Song title for every entry" thing to an end. It was fun for a while but now it's just too hard to come up with things.

Anyways, it's been a (relatively) long time since I posted, especially after my record posting habits in the first half of this year.

Ben and I are just about at the four month mark. Pretty much the only issue we have faced in our relationship thus far is trying to come to a consensus about the right amount of affection to show each other when in public or around friends and family. This became a conscious issue because of my family, but lately I started feeling like Ben had taken their criticism (well in some cases more like observations) too much to heart. It got to the point where I was feeling like I was the only one initiating any kind of affection, which made me worry about Ben's feelings toward me.

Over the weekend I decided to open up about it. Ben acknowledged that he does get self conscious about showing affection around others, especially when the two of us are hanging around one other friend that might feel like a third wheel. What do you guys think, what's the appropriate amount of PDA to show? Should you "tone it down" out of a courtesy to others around you who might not be fortunate enough to be in a relationship like you? Mind you, I'm not saying the normal level is making out in public or anything. Basically in public I just like to put my arm around his shoulders, or around his waist, and maybe sneak a little peck when no one seems to be paying attention. I feel like if I were to follow Ben's lead, we would be indistinguishable from a pair of good friends. Which in certain settings of questionable safety, is a good thing. But everywhere?

The place where I really got self conscious about it was in the movie theater. A darkened movie theater is so closely associated with affection between lovers that it's almost cliche. But all my attempts to hold hands, rest my head on his shoulder or rest my hand on his leg met with no reaction. Later he said it was because we were with my friend (let it be noted he wasn't sitting between us or anything!)

Anyways, I opened up about what was bothering me. Ben thanked me for being honest and felt bad that I felt that way over the whole weekend. He said that it was the presence of my friend that he was conscious about. I suggested that since I've been working on "toning down" my PDA to make him feel more comfortable, maybe he could "tone up" his a little bit. I said that I liked that little bit of reassurance every once and a while, and hoped that didn't make me seem overly needy. He said no, that he had heard that such reassurance is a common desire in relationships.

Basically we've agreed to try to meet in the middle to find a place that is comfortable for both of us. Since our conversation made me feel so much better (and really energized our feelings for each other) I suggested we make it a regular practice to have little "state of the relationship" chats, a time when we could bring up any issues that were bothering us, or remind each other about how much we mean to each other. He agreed that could be a good idea. What do you think?

To recap my questions to you:
1) How much affection is appropriate when out in public? When around friends? When around one single friend?

2) Do you think have fairly regular chats about the state of the relationship is a good idea?

Ramble on

Well, I've been saving this title for just such an occasion: a blog entry that has just too much going on in it to find a good title to sum it up :-)

Things have definitely cooled down since I was outed by my cousin and mom to the rest of the family a couple weeks ago. I'm still not happy it happened, but oh well. Everyone seems to be taking it okay.

Ben and I met several members of each others' families last week. First I met his aunt, who was in town for a conference. She was definitely the most comfortable with us, always wanting to take our picture together. Then he met my parents, who were visiting SoCal as their last stop before heading back to the Midwest. It was a good time, they got along fine, but I still feel like my mom is having a hard time dealing with it. I suspect that might be part of the reason why she told the rest of the family. I might suggest to her that she seek counseling or something, since it has helped me so much. Finally, I met Ben's mom, who came to town about the time my parents left. The three of us went biking together. She was very nice, and apparently doesn't have the very conservative political perspective that my parents do. I'm not sure if and when I'd meet Ben's dad, as he is very homophobic, separated from Ben's mom, and doesn't talk to Ben very often (especially since Ben came out to him).

Ben and I had our first major disagreement. Not a fight, not at all. Just a discussion where we, for the first time, had very different opinions. It was about Facebook. Now that I'm out to most of my close friends and most of my family, Ben asked me how I felt about pictures of the two of us being posted and tagged on Facebook. I have several gay friends on Facebook who are completely open about their relationships (heck, there was even one who posted a picture of him standing next to his boyfriend while wearing a shirt that says, "He likes to take it up the ass." Classy) However, I'm a very private person, and frankly I'm a bit paranoid about this kind of thing too. My therapist and my mom have both cautioned me about the pictures I post, because you never know when you'll get investigated by, say, a homophobic admissions committee member. Ben felt very differently. He wants to live completely out in the open, and wants to be able to post pictures just like any other person in a serious relationship would. After a couple of discussions and consultations with others for their opinion, however, he softened his stance. I told him that in an ideal world I would share all of my pictures embracing him with the world, but unfortunately our society still has a ways to go. Until I'm established in my career I just don't think I'll be comfortable living completely in the open. Who knows, maybe I'll change my FB name to a pseudonym like some people do. Anyways, he was understanding and accepted that not all industries are quite as liberal as entertainment and academia.

Overall, Ben and I are doing well. We talk on the phone pretty much three times a day and see each other every weekend. We went to West Hollywood a couple weekends ago, to The Abbey. It was nice being able to be in that environment, where I didn't have to worry about being discreet while kissing him.

One thing I'm really excited about: I'm going to meet YouTube Guy in person! He's coming to San Francisco with his boyfriend in September, and Ben and I are going to meet up with them there. My first double dating experience!

Until next time, Blogworld.

Stars

Things are still going really well with Ben. The last two weekends continued the trend of us filling our days together with all sorts of fun activities. The first weekend we did karaoke, went to a rock show, and went hiking in Malibu. The second weekend we went kayaking, went to another rock show, and went wine tasting with my sister and her bf. After that we had dinner with my other sister and her family, including my nephew and niece. That was pretty awkward, as my sister is the one who told my brother-in-law and her kids about Ben, so I wasn't able to control the way it was done. But it went well, everyone was nice and seemed to like Ben. My niece was her usual adorable self. And my nephew was his usual . . . uh, teenage self.

Out of all our activities, though, I must say that one of the most memorable moments was a quiet one. I asked Ben to come out on my sister's trampoline and stargaze with me. It was late, probably close to 1 AM. The sky was amazingly clear (we were quite far inland, away from the big city lights). We even saw some shooting stars! I alternated staring up into space and cuddling with Ben. It was an amazing, relaxing experience, and neither of us are quite sure how long we laid there.

Next on the horizon: a movie extravaganza this weekend with my friends (Batman and Spiderman in one day, alright!!!), a weekend trip later in the month, and a visit from my parents in August. My parents' visit actually overlaps a bit with a visit from Ben's mom, so we may be playing a bit of Meet the Parents soon . . . it's still so early in our relationship for that, but it's kind of hard to control when our parents live so far away. When they come, they come!

The story in your eyes

Hi all,

Ben finally came back from his lengthy trip Monday. I anxiously awaited his arrival at my place Monday night, and when he finally got here it was so great to see him! We cuddled for a while in my room, then went out to get dinner. After that we went for a nighttime stroll through the area, taking some time to sit on a bench overlooking a small man-made lake. I also took another step by introducing him as my boyfriend to my roommate's friend who was over. Maybe I'll say the word louder next time, haha.

Before bed we spent some time getting intimate. Which went quite well. I'm definitely getting more comfortable with that. SOrRy for the lAck of detaiLs . . . this isn't that type of blog :-)

Over the weekend I came out to both my sisters, who live about an hour away. They were both great about it. One had actually taken notice of a picture that Ben's roommate posted on Facebook . . . it was of the two of us together during a hiking trip, Ben with his arm around my waist. YouTube guy had seen the picture and said it wasn't very subtle . . . "Your family's definitely talking," he had said. Well, he was right, it didn't go unnoticed, haha.  Whatever, now that it's out in the open I'm excited to include Ben in our get-togethers now.

I'm definitely feeling closer to Ben lately. I've even shared with him the creative writing project that I started back in 2008. It was a sci-fi/fantasy type story that I had begun writing based on an idea I'd had in my head for some time. It was just for fun, but it ended up getting rather long. I never finished it, but I came close. While he was on his trip I began sending Ben chapters over email. He sounds like he's really enjoying it! It's great to get that feedback, he's the very first person I've shared it with. Maybe he can help me figure out a suitable ending.

As far as doubts/ruminations/anxieties, I'm feeling pretty good right now. I had a bit of a spike the other day where my positive feelings about my MCAT score were undermined a bit and I started to worry about where I'd end up, but I think I have that more under control now. I'm trying to take things a step at a time.

I've brought up some of my worries with Ben. Basically, I'm considered about our long-term future, if we were to still be together a year from now and I were to only get into school far away. There's really no sense worrying about that at this point though.  No need to comment about this aspect of the entry, I know what I need to do and I really would just prefer to focus on the present right now.

Tonight was the first improv class since I came out last week. It was only mentioned once, in a somewhat joking manner by the teacher. Not too bad.

Now I'm just counting down to Friday when I get to see Ben again. We've been talking on the phone several times a day. Yep, one's just not enough anymore, haha.

I'm really liking this guy.