I hesitate to write more about the Ben situation. He told me he wouldn't read my blog anymore . . . but he also told me a lot of things that weren't true. He's an impulsive person, who is likely dealing with some cognitive dissonance after dragging my emotions through the wringer, and here there's a site with his ex-boyfriend opening up about all the pain he's caused. Now that I've stopped communication with him, does he have the willpower to refrain from sneaking a peek? I don't know. I feel like one of my biggest errors was sharing this URL with him. Yes, it made the first conversation we had more straight-forward, but it probably also added to his guilt and anxiety. Oh well. What's done is done.
I am definitely learning a lesson about letting others negatively affect my life. The latest turn of events has somehow made me feel more powerful. I think I know why. By publicly announcing his rebound relationship practically on the would-have-been anniversary of our relationship, I feel like Ben has hit a new low. That is not classy, and I have lost a good deal of respect for him. I feel like the much bigger man, because I can't imagine myself ever doing such a thing. Now, you guys are right. I don't know the details of this relationship. I don't feel jealous about it . . . the odds are not in favor of it being a successful one. I know I can't read Ben's mind. But any way you look at it, it's kind of fucked up.
I am a forgiving person and I'm sure I will come around eventually. I do not like to hold grudges. I've done it before and the negativity just doesn't feel healthy. It is in my nature to give him the benefit of the doubt, so I will. He probably didn't even think of the timing. He probably got caught up in the excitement of his new relationship, which is probably with someone who has helped him get over whatever lingering guilt and regret he might be feeling over what he did to our relationship. Just like a year ago I helped him get over his career stress. And I don't think his poking around on my Facebook and liking things was an attempt to draw my attention to his new status, even though that's what happened. He probably saw my "Forgiveness" video and thought it was in response to his relationship status . . . though I had posted it prior to finding out. So he probably felt safe to test the waters, to send some (minuscule) good will my way. Kind of funny, actually, this whole situation.
The silver lining: I've been cured of my desire to seek friendship with him. I'm now willing to just go with the flow. There are a hundred other things that are more important than focusing on how to be friends with someone who can't even show a little courtesy toward someone that once loved him.
2 comments:
Don't feel bad that you are shifting your original position about wanting to continue your friendship with Ben. This is your first real time dealing with a breakup and so you are searching for a way to cope.
Intellectually you know that even a friendship requires both parties to be supportive of one another and right now, you are not getting that from him.
While it may seem like he no longer cares, he did tell you that he was trying to give you space to get over him. Try to take some comfort in that and let the passing of time fade those doubts and painful memories.
Time will tell how things ultimately shake up between you and Ben. But I'm glad you've reached a level of acceptance and are moving on emotionally.
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