Up date

Hello all!

Things are going pretty well. I'm feeling really bad for Ben right now. He's having some major money troubles as he is still in the middle of his career transition and is just working part time right now. I hate to see him having to worry about paying his rent on time and covering his bills. I really hope he gets a full time job soon.

I have to decide what to get him for Christmas. At the same time, I kind of don't want him spending money on me since he doesn't have much to spend.

Last weekend we watched a movie called "The Wedding Banquet." It is one of Ang Lee's early movies and like "Brokeback Mountain," is also about a gay couple. In this case it is an interracial gay couple, one Taiwanese and one white, who must pretend to be straight when the former's very traditional parents come visit. The son decides to marry his tenant, who is an artist in need of a green card, in order to get his parents off his back. Hi-jinks ensue. It was quite good, I recommend it.

I can't quite say the same about "The New Normal." I tried watching five minutes of it and got annoyed.

That's about it for now, just thought I'd write a quick update. Hope everyone is well!

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I'm at my parents' house in the Midwest right now. It's been a great trip so far. Ben and my parents get along great. Yesterday we went out on the lake in my parents' pontoon boat, and both Ben and I got to steer. Tonight my parents will be having several friends over for dinner. Ben will no doubt be introduced as my "friend," which is fine.

I'm feeling a lot better about our relationship then when I last wrote. I had a little talk with Ben the other night before we left about the affection thing and my concerns. He said that he is generally rather low on the affection scale, that it has nothing to do with me in particular. At the same time, lately he seems to have been a bit more affectionate than usual, which I greatly appreciate. It's a matter of give and take.

I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving with good food and good company. I am so thankful for my friends and family, and for my relationship with Ben. I am also thankful for this blog, and for all of my readers and your advice. Thank you all so much! I have grown so much as a person over this last year, and I look forward to the journey ahead!

Been Away Too Long

Hey all,

I'm still around. Just been really busy lately. I'm gearing up for my trip to the Midwest next week with Ben. We'll be flying out Tuesday and coming back Saturday. It will be the most time I've spent with him in the six months that we've been together, so I'm excited about that. Yep, six months! We celebrated earlier this month by going back to the place where we first met in Long Beach. We didn't go to the same bar though. Instead we ate dinner at a really good Mediterranean Place (one of my favorite types of food). We also walked around the waterfront for a while. It was beautiful, and romantic.

Things haven't been totally 100% perfect (are they ever?) Some of the initial magic has worn off as we've gotten to know each other more and more. Not to say we like each other less, I think we're just moving out of that initial "honey moon phase" after you first start a relationship. The imbalance in how we show affection is still a recurring issue, with me often feeling like he is not affectionate enough. I've noticed that he doesn't compliment me as much as he used to, even though I still try to compliment him on a regular basis. On the bright side, I still see Ben every weekend and greatly enjoy my time with him. He's getting more and more attractive since he's really gotten into working out since we started dating. We talk multiple times every day and it still makes me happy to look down at my buzzing phone and see his smiling face.

Ben is going through quite a lot of stress lately as he struggles to make ends meet with his part-time job while looking for full-time work. That may explain why he sometimes seems a bit standoffish. I have my own stresses to deal with as well, as I'm playing the waiting game while schools review my application materials.

The other day I heard from my best-gay-friend, aka YouTube Guy. He's thinking of proposing to his boyfriend! I'm not sure it's wise to move that fast (they've only been together for 8 months), but I'm happy that he seems to have gotten through his period of confusion.

In honor of the new Soundgarden album (their first in 15 years!!) Here is their first single. An appropriate title for this blog entry!

Little Ben in Slumberland

Hello all! I asked a physical therapist I know about my neck. I had narrowed the cause down to one of two things: either I hurt it in the gym on Thursday night (unlikely, since it didn't hurt until Saturday morning), or its from sleeping weird (I slept on Ben's water pillow Friday night and may have been sleeping on my side too). I didn't think the latter was likely since it's been bad for four days now, but the PT disagreed. He said sleeping on your neck weird really can cause pretty bad pain that takes several days to resolve. No more water pillows for me!

So maybe I'll make this entry about sleep. Ben and I have our little ritual when we sleep together, which I may have addressed previously: several minutes of cuddling, then one of us signals to the other that we're ready to go to sleep. We then go to our own sides of the bed. Some people are able to fall asleep cuddling, but Ben is unable to do that. As I recall we did attempt it the first couple of times, and I did wake up quite frequently (especially because that was in my tiny little twin bed, haha). I've grown accustomed to the routine. There's cuddle time, and then there's sleep time. This makes my sleep a lot better since I'm less likely to be woken up by sudden movement during the night.

Not all is good in dreamland, though. Ben has told me several times that he has heard what sounds like me having breathing trouble at times while I sleep. I'm hoping its not sleep apnea, that can be serious. I have been quite tired during the day at times, and I do have a deviated septum (one nostril is much easier to breathe out of than the other due to this), so I'm thinking I'd better get checked out. Either by an ENT doctor or a sleep specialist.

What about you, dear readers? Any sleeping quirks? What position do you prefer (I like to sleep on my back)? Are you able to fall asleep cuddling (or do you think you'd be able to)? What size bed do you have? Anyone familiar with what I'm referencing by the title of this entry? Hint: there was a recent Google Doodle dedicated to it.

Election season

I am soooo sick of election season. I just want it to be decided already so the country can move forward. I can't stand how polarized politics have become. I'm sick of the left trying to convince us that Romney is a cold, heartless creep who spits on poor people and women. I'm sick of the right trying to convince us that Obama is a radical, socialist failure who wants government to control our lives.

You know what? I tried several times to write a political diatribe here about my frustration with the Republican Party, but in the end I think I'll just say screw it. Arguing politics is like arguing philosophy. You can go around in circles, spin things this way and that way, but in the end there is no objective right answer. Suffice it to say at this point I almost certainly will vote Obama. As a critical thinker, as a gay man, as a lover of science and reason, and as a secularist/borderline atheist, this makes the most sense to me. Maybe I'm wrong. My parents, especially my dad, think he's the worst thing to happen to the White House since . . . well ever, haha. But I need to do what feels right to me. Feel free to leave your opinions about the election in the comments, but DON'T get nasty about either candidate or party! I get so tired of all the BS rhetoric.

In other news things are going great with Ben. I had another amazing weekend with him, though I sprained my neck somehow and was therefore pretty much down for the count the whole time. But he was very sweet and understanding. I love him :-)

Happiest place on Earth

Yesterday I took Ben to Disneyland. It was his very first time there since he's from the east coast. I had been wanting to take him there for quite a while, and about a week ago I discovered that this weekend was the annual "Gay Days." It's not officially endorsed by Disneyland, but they know about it. Every year on the first weekend of October, gay people flock to Disneyland dressed in red shirts. Ben and I donned red and got to the park about 5 PM (he had to work during the day, so we purchased discounted "twilight tickets" that are good for 4 PM and later). It was amazing being there with so many gay people about. All over the place were groups of red shirted guys, and seeing a gay couple holding hands was not unusual. Ben and I held hands quite a lot. It was great. Unfortunately two of my favorite rides, Indiana Jones and Space Mountain, were closed (the former was closed all day, the latter broke down right when we went to get in line).

I read an article in the OC Register about the event. There were the inevitable comments from the bigots and homophobes at the bottom. Things like "How come there's no straight day?" (common response: "Try the other 364 days of the year!"). One person stated that they didn't want to go because such an event would attract "strange, flamboyant types." Well, I was there for 7 hours, and though I saw all sorts of guys in red shirts, I did not see any over the top behavior. In retrospect I wonder whether Ben and I holding hands "offended" anyone who saw us.

Today's song: a song that my friend posted on my Facebook wall in response to my status about going to Disneyland. Quite catchy.

Jet settin'

Hello all!

I've been meaning to write an entry for a while, I've just been very busy. Well, today I got a comment from fan of casey wondering what's going on, so I figured I'd oblige :-)

First of all, I'm doing away with the song title thing like I said I would. Too hard. I'll still include a song though. A new song that I like, or an old song that's stuck in my head. Today's pick is the new single by Muse, "Madness," in honor of the release of their new album tomorrow.

The last week saw a lot of travelling. First, Ben and I took our first plane trip together, flying up to San Francisco for a long weekend. Unfortunately it was for my job, so I had to sit in meetings for much of the time. The up-side of course was getting the room and my flight paid for. The best part: I got to meet YouTube Guy! He was in town with his boyfriend of six months. It was really great meeting them and spending time with another gay couple. YouTube Guy and I have been through somewhat parallel journeys over the past year since we first connected, and we've been dating our boyfriends about the same amount of time (Ben and I are at five months in a couple days). We had an awesome time hanging out together, and they even took Ben around the city in their rental car while I was in a meeting.

One thing we did was visit the famous Castro district. Wow, is that like another world or what? Gay couples everywhere (not to mention naked dudes . . . and not of the eye candy variety) . . . Ben and I could totally walk around that part of town holding hands without a second thought. Unfortunately not all of SF was quite as tolerant. While holding hands elsewhere in the city we inadvertently walked in front of a street preacher who admonished us by shouting "One virgin man, one virgin woman! No man and man!" We just chuckled it off and kept walking. Thinking back on it later though, I realized that was the first time I've had homophobia directed at me. We were definitely more careful after that.

After San Francisco we flew back home and I went to work for one day before flying off to Upstate New York for another meeting. This trip I was unaccompanied by Ben, unfortunately. The meeting was pretty cool, it was held at a conference center in the middle of the woods. It was absolutely beautiful there, I really wished Ben could have seen it.

After I returned from NY I spent the weekend at Ben's house. His job is requiring him to do some work on weekends, which will make our weekends a little more complicated, primarily because for now I will always have to be the one to come to him. Which is better in a lot of ways since I still have a twin bed. Yes, I know. Unforgivable, right? Ha ha. Ben has trouble sleeping with such limited space, so nights are easier at his place. It does mean if I want to see him I won't have any weekends at home, and I'll spend more on gas. We'll see.

One day over the weekend I overheard Ben telling his friend about my blog (he hasn't read it, he just knows about it). I felt a little bit like my privacy was violated, but then I thought twice about that initial reaction. I never told him the fact that I keep an anonymous blog was off-limits, and he seems to think of it as a cool thing. Even so, I told him later that I didn't feel comfortable having anyone I know in person reading it (well, excluding people I've met through the blog). However, perhaps someday I'll let him read it. And I believe someone suggested that I have Ben write an entry. He'd totally be up for that. I'd just have to ask him to resist the temptation to Google a sentence from his entry to find my blog, ha ha.

Other Ben news: though his finances have been a bit shaky recently he has decided to accompany me to my parents' house in the Midwest for Thanksgiving! Super cool. It's definitely not California . . . they live in a very conservative, religious area. We're both super careful, though. It should be a lot of fun.

Okay, until next time!

Long time

With this entry, I'm going to bring the whole "Song title for every entry" thing to an end. It was fun for a while but now it's just too hard to come up with things.

Anyways, it's been a (relatively) long time since I posted, especially after my record posting habits in the first half of this year.

Ben and I are just about at the four month mark. Pretty much the only issue we have faced in our relationship thus far is trying to come to a consensus about the right amount of affection to show each other when in public or around friends and family. This became a conscious issue because of my family, but lately I started feeling like Ben had taken their criticism (well in some cases more like observations) too much to heart. It got to the point where I was feeling like I was the only one initiating any kind of affection, which made me worry about Ben's feelings toward me.

Over the weekend I decided to open up about it. Ben acknowledged that he does get self conscious about showing affection around others, especially when the two of us are hanging around one other friend that might feel like a third wheel. What do you guys think, what's the appropriate amount of PDA to show? Should you "tone it down" out of a courtesy to others around you who might not be fortunate enough to be in a relationship like you? Mind you, I'm not saying the normal level is making out in public or anything. Basically in public I just like to put my arm around his shoulders, or around his waist, and maybe sneak a little peck when no one seems to be paying attention. I feel like if I were to follow Ben's lead, we would be indistinguishable from a pair of good friends. Which in certain settings of questionable safety, is a good thing. But everywhere?

The place where I really got self conscious about it was in the movie theater. A darkened movie theater is so closely associated with affection between lovers that it's almost cliche. But all my attempts to hold hands, rest my head on his shoulder or rest my hand on his leg met with no reaction. Later he said it was because we were with my friend (let it be noted he wasn't sitting between us or anything!)

Anyways, I opened up about what was bothering me. Ben thanked me for being honest and felt bad that I felt that way over the whole weekend. He said that it was the presence of my friend that he was conscious about. I suggested that since I've been working on "toning down" my PDA to make him feel more comfortable, maybe he could "tone up" his a little bit. I said that I liked that little bit of reassurance every once and a while, and hoped that didn't make me seem overly needy. He said no, that he had heard that such reassurance is a common desire in relationships.

Basically we've agreed to try to meet in the middle to find a place that is comfortable for both of us. Since our conversation made me feel so much better (and really energized our feelings for each other) I suggested we make it a regular practice to have little "state of the relationship" chats, a time when we could bring up any issues that were bothering us, or remind each other about how much we mean to each other. He agreed that could be a good idea. What do you think?

To recap my questions to you:
1) How much affection is appropriate when out in public? When around friends? When around one single friend?

2) Do you think have fairly regular chats about the state of the relationship is a good idea?

Ramble on

Well, I've been saving this title for just such an occasion: a blog entry that has just too much going on in it to find a good title to sum it up :-)

Things have definitely cooled down since I was outed by my cousin and mom to the rest of the family a couple weeks ago. I'm still not happy it happened, but oh well. Everyone seems to be taking it okay.

Ben and I met several members of each others' families last week. First I met his aunt, who was in town for a conference. She was definitely the most comfortable with us, always wanting to take our picture together. Then he met my parents, who were visiting SoCal as their last stop before heading back to the Midwest. It was a good time, they got along fine, but I still feel like my mom is having a hard time dealing with it. I suspect that might be part of the reason why she told the rest of the family. I might suggest to her that she seek counseling or something, since it has helped me so much. Finally, I met Ben's mom, who came to town about the time my parents left. The three of us went biking together. She was very nice, and apparently doesn't have the very conservative political perspective that my parents do. I'm not sure if and when I'd meet Ben's dad, as he is very homophobic, separated from Ben's mom, and doesn't talk to Ben very often (especially since Ben came out to him).

Ben and I had our first major disagreement. Not a fight, not at all. Just a discussion where we, for the first time, had very different opinions. It was about Facebook. Now that I'm out to most of my close friends and most of my family, Ben asked me how I felt about pictures of the two of us being posted and tagged on Facebook. I have several gay friends on Facebook who are completely open about their relationships (heck, there was even one who posted a picture of him standing next to his boyfriend while wearing a shirt that says, "He likes to take it up the ass." Classy) However, I'm a very private person, and frankly I'm a bit paranoid about this kind of thing too. My therapist and my mom have both cautioned me about the pictures I post, because you never know when you'll get investigated by, say, a homophobic admissions committee member. Ben felt very differently. He wants to live completely out in the open, and wants to be able to post pictures just like any other person in a serious relationship would. After a couple of discussions and consultations with others for their opinion, however, he softened his stance. I told him that in an ideal world I would share all of my pictures embracing him with the world, but unfortunately our society still has a ways to go. Until I'm established in my career I just don't think I'll be comfortable living completely in the open. Who knows, maybe I'll change my FB name to a pseudonym like some people do. Anyways, he was understanding and accepted that not all industries are quite as liberal as entertainment and academia.

Overall, Ben and I are doing well. We talk on the phone pretty much three times a day and see each other every weekend. We went to West Hollywood a couple weekends ago, to The Abbey. It was nice being able to be in that environment, where I didn't have to worry about being discreet while kissing him.

One thing I'm really excited about: I'm going to meet YouTube Guy in person! He's coming to San Francisco with his boyfriend in September, and Ben and I are going to meet up with them there. My first double dating experience!

Until next time, Blogworld.

I heard it through the grapevine

Pandora's Box has been opened.

It started out as a normal enough Monday. I awoke next to Ben, stole a couple more minutes of cuddle time thanks to the "snooze" button, and headed off to work after enjoying Ben's special blend of oatmeal (oatmeal + bananas + peanut butter + raisins = crazy delicious)

I called my mom during my lunch break. She and my dad have been up in Northern California visiting my dad's brothers. One is Uncle Pete and the other is Uncle Rob. Uncle Pete is the oldest of the three, and is the father of my three cousins, who are my best friends in the world and my closest confidants. They have played a huge part in helping me through my journey with their understanding and support. Uncle Pete is probably the most outwardly affectionate of the three brothers, and due to my closeness with his sons has long referred to me as his "fourth son." Uncle Rob is the youngest of the brothers. He has two sons who are a bit older than me (early thirties) that I'm not as close to. Uncle Rob is definitely my favorite of the three brothers to talk politics and have intellectual discussions with, as even though he's as conservative as my dad and Uncle Pete, he's a lot more open-minded and logical in conversation.

After telling my sisters about Ben, I had resolved to focus on telling the rest of my close friends, especially since it would be a while before seeing my uncles and aunts again. I also haven't been in a big hurry to tell them because of their conservatism . . . especially Uncle Pete. While talking to my mom on the phone, however, I was in a for a bit of a shock. While at Uncle Rob's house, she had decided to tell everyone there, including Uncle Rob, his wife, his son and his son's wife, and my dad's cousin and her husband. She did this without consulting me first. Why in the world would she do this, why would she go behind my back and spill the beans to so many family members? Well, the first thing that emboldened her was the fact that I was telling all of my friends (indeed, I just told my friend in the navy, let's call him Dave, on Friday, which finished up the list of my closest friends). The second thing: Uncle Pete and his wife already knew!!!!

This one was the biggest shock! How the hell did they find out? They were the most conservative of the family, they were the ones who have Fox News on just about 24/7, who own multiple books written by Ann Coulter, who enjoy Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh, and who had reacted rather negatively when one of my female second cousins had talked about dating girls. Suffice it to say I was dreading my eventual coming-out to them and was hoping to do it very delicately. My mom told me it had been one of my cousins that told them. I was horrified. This is not what was supposed to happen at all. One of my cousins? My closest friends in the world? Telling the two people I'd been most afraid of telling, the ones I wanted to tell very carefully? Immediately I knew which one it must have been. I called up the middle of the three brothers, my cousin Roger. I figured it might be him because, as messed up as it may be, he's the one who is generally the most naive and the least intellectual . . . the only one I could fathom may have slipped up or not realized how much I wanted to tell them at my own pace. He's also the only one who has met Ben.

After talking to Roger for a while, I told him about what my Mom had done and explained how it made me feel and how I preferred to tell people in the family on my own. He didn't offer up an admission, so I went further and told him about finding out that his parents already knew. At this he reluctantly (and cautiously) came clean. One day about a month ago (!) he was talking on the phone with his parents and telling them about his weekend. He mentioned Ben by name, which of course prompted them to ask who Ben was. Rather than lie or just describe him as my friend, he decided to tell them everything. What's more: since then both his brothers had found out about what he had done (and given him quite the tongue-lashing for it, apparently). They didn't tell me because they wanted Roger to fess up himself, warning him that if it didn't come from him it would inevitably come through the grapevine and back to me. Well, he never worked up the guts to tell me, so through the grapevine it did come. 

A few hours ago I called Uncle Pete and his wife and talked with them for an hour about everything. Having lost the chance to be able to be present during their finding out about me, I wanted to give them my side of the story and answer any questions they might have. To their credit, they were very supportive. My uncle was concerned about the difficult path I had chosen, but I told him not being true to myself would have been a lot harder on me in the long run. I also told him about the positive effect that Ben has had on me and on my life these past couple of months (Sunday we hit the 3 month mark). He was concerned about the supposed promiscuity of gay men, but I assured him that both Ben and I are deeply committed to monogamy. I could tell he's a bit skeptical of how lasting our relationship will be.

How am I feeling after this double breach of trust? Well, I'm pretty much okay. After I talked to Ben he was greatly impressed with how well I was taking it (and even asked me whether I was the type of person to internalize my anger, haha).  Actually, I'm more angry with my mom than Roger. Roger's somewhat simple nature made it hard for him to lie to his parents (in fact he didn't even seem to realize the gravity of what he had done until his brothers got on his case about it). Plus his brothers already chewed him out for it and at this point he is truly remorseful. Both should have known better and at least asked me first, but especially my mom. She apologized, but she did it in a somewhat unsatisfactory way ("Sorry if I misspoke"). I still can't wrap my head around what she was thinking. Maybe it was discomfort with keeping the truth from everyone? Maybe she figured it would be easier to ask for forgiveness than permission? I don't know. I wrote her somewhat of a stern email earlier, making sure to remind her to "take other people's feelings into account" when sharing sensitive information. A little dig at her for suggesting I should consider other peoples' feelings after Ben and my PG rated (if that) intimacy "overwhelmed" my brother-in-law. I also took issue with what she said she had told Uncle Pete and his wife: that she "wasn't happy with" the situation. I know she was just expressing her true (if disappointing) feelings, I just wish she hadn't worded it that way. I was hurt by it. Hopefully when she meets Ben (which will happen this week) and sees what an amazing person he is, she will feel a little happier about it all.

Well, that's my story. I've officially been outed to my family. Everyone took it pretty well, which I'm grateful for. The silver lining is that now I don't have to worry about doing it myself, albeit I would have preferred having more control over how it was done. Oh well. What's done is done.

Invisible touch

Haha, this entry's title is a stretch. I wanted to make a follow up entry to the last one. Since the visible touching is what "overwhelmed" my bro-in-law, it seems they want us to somehow invisibly touch, ha ha! So there you have it, the song of the day.

Thanks for your comments, guys. I feel like I want to clarify some things, just in case i wasn't clear enough before. First of all, my sister only told me about her and her husband's reaction because I raised the issue, having been told by my mom. She didn't make any requests of me to tone it down. It was my mom that asked that I take my time with showing physical intimacy with Ben when first introducing him to family. I'd say "bigotry" is a rather strong word for this situation.

Basically, most of my family is very conservative. Not religiously conservative for the most part, just rather traditional. They have very little experience with homosexuality. My mom, when she suggested I slow it down, even said that "it shouldn't be this way," referring to the double standard (i.e., if it had been me with a girl no one would have had a problem with me getting "touchy feely," especially if it was something so simple as an arm around the shoulder or a hand on the leg.

My sister is an amazing person, and she took my coming out very well. My bro-in-law is kind of a stereotypically "macho" kind of guy, so I understand if he has homophobia to deal with. My sister only told him about Ben and me a couple weeks ago. He probably needs some time to readjust to this new information, so I'm willing to give that to him. He sure has selflessly helped me out many many times.

I guess the way I feel is this: I was disappointed by their reaction but I don't blame them for it. If anything I overestimated their ability to adjust, but everyone's different. I'll give them time to get to know Ben better, and will probably also sit them down and have a talk at some point (definitely avoiding words like 'bigotry' and 'homophobia' though, haha). I'm not sure that the best course of action would be to act with Ben exactly as I would act if he were a girl, at least not right away, because we just don't live in that ideal world (yet). As for my nephew and niece, I guess I'll defer to my sister as far as the timing of giving them a talk.

As for how they'll get "used to it"? Well, I guess after they've had a while to get to know Ben I might gradually start ramping up the minor PDA and see how it goes over.

Last order of business: check out http://broandcollege.blogspot.com/, a new blog by a guy I've been chatting with online.

Take care everyone!

Don't stand so close to me

First of all, before I get into this post I want to say how saddened I am by the tragedy that happened in Aurora, Colorado . . . such a horrible, senseless act, and in a place where people go to escape the worries and fears of the world for a while.

As for me, I'm doing well. I had a birthday this week. Another year older. Ben made me a BBQ chicken pizza and homemade hummus, both of which were great. He also gave me a framed picture of the two of us. He is seriously the sweetest, most thoughtful guy.

Now, for the reason behind the title of today's post. Today I spoke with my mom on the phone and she told me what my sister had said about meeting Ben last weekend. Apparently my sister was a bit "surprised" at how comfortable I was showing affection with Ben during this, her family's first meeting with him, and my brother-in-law was a bit bothered by how "touchy-feely" we were. My mom suggested that I should take other people's feelings into account more, and not jump into showing overt displays of affection before giving them a time to get used to seeing me with a guy.

While I understand the issue, I was a little upset by how my mom chose to word it. I try very hard to always take other peoples' feelings into account. My ability to do so is something I take pride in, and I was a little pissed that my mom suggested I was being at all insensitive. Ben and I definitely did tone it down when we were visiting my sister and her family. We were even sitting on separate couches for a while. I hardly even remember what we did do, but apparently I went over to his couch at one point and put my arm around him. Big deal, my brother-in-law has seen me do a heck of a lot more with my cousins, haha. Uhh . . . don't take that the wrong way.

I spoke to my sister later on to clarify the situation, but she pretty much said what my mom had said. She was "surprised" and her husband was slightly "overwhelmed." I explained to her that I'd been dealing with this for a long time, and had been so paranoid about what their reaction would be, that when I found out they were okay with it I guess I overcompensated a bit, especially when my other sister and her boyfriend (the ones we went biking and wine tasting with) were so cool and laid back about it. I guess "okay" is a continuum.

In any case, we cleared the air and from now on I guess I'll keep my hands to myself around them, at least for now. Not sure how to know when it's okay to show affection, though. When will they be "used to it"? And will they give me an announcement when that happens?  "Okay, we're used to it, go ahead and put your arm around him now." I guess I just have to give them more time to get to know Ben. Apparently my nephew and niece haven't actually been told the nature of my relationship with Ben, they just thought we were friends (though I'm sure my teenage nephew probably suspects the truth).

In the end they were still for the most part great about everything, I totally understand about cutting them some slack . . . I guess I was just a little disappointed (and frankly embarrassed) that I made them feel uncomfortable.

Stars

Things are still going really well with Ben. The last two weekends continued the trend of us filling our days together with all sorts of fun activities. The first weekend we did karaoke, went to a rock show, and went hiking in Malibu. The second weekend we went kayaking, went to another rock show, and went wine tasting with my sister and her bf. After that we had dinner with my other sister and her family, including my nephew and niece. That was pretty awkward, as my sister is the one who told my brother-in-law and her kids about Ben, so I wasn't able to control the way it was done. But it went well, everyone was nice and seemed to like Ben. My niece was her usual adorable self. And my nephew was his usual . . . uh, teenage self.

Out of all our activities, though, I must say that one of the most memorable moments was a quiet one. I asked Ben to come out on my sister's trampoline and stargaze with me. It was late, probably close to 1 AM. The sky was amazingly clear (we were quite far inland, away from the big city lights). We even saw some shooting stars! I alternated staring up into space and cuddling with Ben. It was an amazing, relaxing experience, and neither of us are quite sure how long we laid there.

Next on the horizon: a movie extravaganza this weekend with my friends (Batman and Spiderman in one day, alright!!!), a weekend trip later in the month, and a visit from my parents in August. My parents' visit actually overlaps a bit with a visit from Ben's mom, so we may be playing a bit of Meet the Parents soon . . . it's still so early in our relationship for that, but it's kind of hard to control when our parents live so far away. When they come, they come!

Ten years gone

Saturday night was my 10 year high school reunion. And Ben was my plus one.

I was a bit nervous of course, but as with most of these situations I like Ben so much that it really helps to relieve much of my anxiety. I didn't exactly go around introducing him to people as my boyfriend, but it became pretty obvious for everyone soon enough.

It couldn't have gone better. We got all sorts of compliments: "Your boyfriend is really cute," "You guys are so cute together," "I'm so happy you brought him!" I also got the inevitable "I had no idea you were gay!" My response: "I didn't either." Ha ha. Then there was the girl who decided to express her enthusiastic support for gay marriage. One girl shared her opinion that we seemed like we would be together for a long time, which was sweet. There was another gay guy there who was very happy that he wasn't the only one. He took the liberty of grinding up against both Ben and me on the dance floor. Not exactly my comfort zone but I sort of went with it, haha. Ben was a big hit. He's such a friendly, outgoing guy that he got along real well with everybody. And when he took to the dance floor to belt out Bon Jovi during karaoke time a bunch of girls joined him to dance. We also did a duet of "Under Pressure," with him doing the Freddie Mercury part and me doing the David Bowie part. So much fun. And now the cat is out of the bag with a good portion of my former classmates. I told him, "Because of you, I feel like I'm experiencing a level of popularity I never had in high school!"

In addition to that, we also spent time with some of my friends and family members. Ben finally got to meet Rick, who is one of my closest friends. They got along really well. We also went bike riding with my sister and her boyfriend, which was great. I think they both really liked Ben.

Overall it was (yet another) amazing weekend. We spent nearly every waking and sleeping hour together. And because of the holiday this week, it won't be long at all before I see him again. I will most likely drive to his place tomorrow night after work.

This weekend definitely made my comfort level go up dramatically.

The story in your eyes

Hi all,

Ben finally came back from his lengthy trip Monday. I anxiously awaited his arrival at my place Monday night, and when he finally got here it was so great to see him! We cuddled for a while in my room, then went out to get dinner. After that we went for a nighttime stroll through the area, taking some time to sit on a bench overlooking a small man-made lake. I also took another step by introducing him as my boyfriend to my roommate's friend who was over. Maybe I'll say the word louder next time, haha.

Before bed we spent some time getting intimate. Which went quite well. I'm definitely getting more comfortable with that. SOrRy for the lAck of detaiLs . . . this isn't that type of blog :-)

Over the weekend I came out to both my sisters, who live about an hour away. They were both great about it. One had actually taken notice of a picture that Ben's roommate posted on Facebook . . . it was of the two of us together during a hiking trip, Ben with his arm around my waist. YouTube guy had seen the picture and said it wasn't very subtle . . . "Your family's definitely talking," he had said. Well, he was right, it didn't go unnoticed, haha.  Whatever, now that it's out in the open I'm excited to include Ben in our get-togethers now.

I'm definitely feeling closer to Ben lately. I've even shared with him the creative writing project that I started back in 2008. It was a sci-fi/fantasy type story that I had begun writing based on an idea I'd had in my head for some time. It was just for fun, but it ended up getting rather long. I never finished it, but I came close. While he was on his trip I began sending Ben chapters over email. He sounds like he's really enjoying it! It's great to get that feedback, he's the very first person I've shared it with. Maybe he can help me figure out a suitable ending.

As far as doubts/ruminations/anxieties, I'm feeling pretty good right now. I had a bit of a spike the other day where my positive feelings about my MCAT score were undermined a bit and I started to worry about where I'd end up, but I think I have that more under control now. I'm trying to take things a step at a time.

I've brought up some of my worries with Ben. Basically, I'm considered about our long-term future, if we were to still be together a year from now and I were to only get into school far away. There's really no sense worrying about that at this point though.  No need to comment about this aspect of the entry, I know what I need to do and I really would just prefer to focus on the present right now.

Tonight was the first improv class since I came out last week. It was only mentioned once, in a somewhat joking manner by the teacher. Not too bad.

Now I'm just counting down to Friday when I get to see Ben again. We've been talking on the phone several times a day. Yep, one's just not enough anymore, haha.

I'm really liking this guy.

New skin

It's still a bit of a struggle to get comfortable in my skin with this whole gay thing. Over the last couple days I made a couple rather scary steps. First, I invited Ben to be my plus one at my 10-year high school reunion at the end of the month. I had been on the fence about whether I was ready to go with him. In the end I decided to take the plunge because a) I figured it would help with my comfort level, b) not many of the people who are going to be there are people I was that close to, so I think I'd have more fun if he's with me and c) it would be awkward to make him go do something else during that time, since he undoubtedly will be in town that weekend.

The second big step requires a bit of set-up.

I found out how I did on the MCAT yesterday. I got a 30, which is pretty much the minimum score that would be considered "competitive." Hopefully that, my high undergrad GPA, and my experiences in research since graduation will be a winning combo. Anyways, to reward myself I decided to sign up for another round of improv class. It's the same instructor as last time, and as before he is fond of going around the room and asking people about their lives, to get a sense of who they are. He often gets pretty personal, asking about dating and relationships. Last class I just kinda dodged my way through the questions, but I didn't want to be made to feel awkward this time around. Fortunately this time a guy who went before me was gay himself, and the instructor asked him a lot about his coming out process. That made me feel emboldened, since I wouldn't be the token gay guy in the class, so when it came to be my turn I spilled my guts. I talked about how taking the improv classes had improved my confidence and allowed me to start dating, and how the person I was dating was a guy. That led to a running joke where the next person was always asked "So, when did you come out?" It was cool, everyone was supportive. Only one person in the class was someone I already knew, and I think he was a bit surprised by the revelation. I also revealed to them that this was the very first time I had come out to a group . . . always before it had been in one-on-one settings.

I'm hoping that the more I come out the more I'll feel comfortable identifying as gay. Because I really don't know what other way this is going to go. I can't make myself feel any more gay, but I can't make myself be more attracted to girls either. I just wish sooo much that I had a stronger sex drive! Ben and I have done things a couple times, yes, and it was enjoyable, but I just don't experience the desire to have sex like other people do. It allows my ever-questioning mind to constantly cast doubt on my feelings, even when it seems the evidence is solid. Ben being out of town for so long doesn't help. I really want him to come back, because being with him is really the only thing that's going to make this feeling go away. Being with him takes me out of my head, out of my doubt, and allows me to enjoy the moment.

I spoke to YouTube guy a couple days ago. I feel like I can relate to him more than just about anyone, since he he's also an over-thinker and has experienced confusion about which way to go as well. However, he's currently in a pretty serious relationship with a guy he's been seeing for 3 months, and it sounds like he's pretty happy. He definitely sounds less conflicted than before. Maybe I'll try to follow his lead. He also mentioned the possibility of coming to CA with his BF at some point, which would be awesome. Double date anyone?

I just went and took down my Match.com profile (well, I made it invisible until the subscription runs out). I noticed that Ben still has his profile, with last activity two weeks ago. I hope he's not still looking! Haha, uh oh, careful there, can't become the jealous type.

With a little help from my friends

Hola everyone,

Thank you so much for the comments on yesterday's blog post. It was one of those entries that comes every once in a while where I really spill my guts about what's troubling me. It always takes a while to work myself up to writing one of those, but I'm always happy with the feedback I get.

I also had long conversations with two of my friends, Tom and Rick, yesterday. Both confided in me that they experienced doubts in their past relationships, that I am not alone about that. Rick and I also talked a lot about sex which is not a topic I was comfortable talking about with friends a couple years ago. In addition, I attended a party where I found myself checking out a couple guys the whole time, while Rick told me he was checking out girls the whole time. A little reassurance about the way I lean, haha.

Today my mind is a lot more at ease. I plan on Skyping with Ben later on today, which should be cool. You guys are right, he and I really gel well and he does make me happy. I will try my best to take things a step at a time and not get all boggled down in worrying about the long term.

The other side

Okay, this blog is supposed to tell the whole story and not just the happy parts. Now that I've found a great guy I find myself censoring myself again, just like before. I even thought about sharing the blog with him, but I think he would understand if I kept it to myself.

I sure have depicted things as unambiguously rosy thus far. It's true, I love spending time with Ben and I still can't believe I found such a great guy whom I have so much in common with. But lately I've been plagued with the ol' enemy: obsessive doubt. This is probably the most confident I've felt that I'm on the OCD spectrum.

It seems that my flavor of OCD is the "pure obsessional" variety, which does not included the usual "compulsions" that one usually thinks of (cleaning, straightening, checking, etc.) Instead, my compulsions are in my head and take the form of ruminating and mental checking. There seems to be two major themes, which I took here from http://www.ocdla.com/obsessionalOCD.html. However for the first one, replace "recurrent fears that one might be a homosexual" with "recurrent fears that one might be straight." Because apparently HOCD can affect gay people too.

• recurrent fears that one might be a homosexual, when in fact he or she is not (sometimes called "gay ocd" or "sexual orientation OCD" or "homosexual OCD" or "HOCD")
• repeatedly worrying that one does not actually love his/her partner, or is not with the "right" person (sometimes called "relationship OCD" or "ROCD")

 Basically, it seems that one of the hallmarks of someone with OCD is that they cannot stand uncertainty. It was the uncertainty of the future that caused my career crisis in 2010-2011, and it has been the uncertainty of my sexual orientation that led to this blog. Most people are able to shrug off life's many uncertainties. For people with OCD, it's much harder. All the evidence points to me being predominantly gay. I check out guys way more than girls. I've had crushes on dudes. I'm IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A GUY. And have done sexual things with him. And liked it (well, minus the performance anxiety part). I enjoy cuddling with him, holding him, laying in bed with him. But I still can't shake the doubts. 

The silver lining: when I'm with Ben, the doubts subside. I'm able to enjoy the moment. He has a calming effect on me. I even told him as much the other day. I told him I've been having some OCD issues lately, but I didn't specify the themes and suggested it was mostly due to anxiety about my upcoming test results (which is certainly a contributing factor).

I think part of what is feeding it is that Ben keeps telling me about how I'm such a remarkable person, how I'm amazing, how he's told all his family and friends about me and they can tell from his voice how much he likes me. I feel guilt because I really never definitively resolved my sexual orientation confusion. This online dating project was part of the process, and then I ended up meeting Ben. I'm just so worried about not being able to reciprocate the level of feeling, especially in the sexual realm. At the same time I also don't want to lose him. My life really has improved since he came into it.

Anyways, this is what I'm dealing with now. Ben's out of town for a week and a half so I will try to keep it together until he comes back. It sucks with him living so far that I can only really see him on weekends.

Home by the sea

Another weekend down, another phenomenal time with Ben. He came down on Friday night and we went out to a local gay bar that I had never been to. It was the first time I'd been to a gay bar with him, and it was awesome being able to hold him and kiss him in public without being self-conscious.

Friday night was a bit of sexy time, and this time I tried to have more patience with myself. It paid off, I had a very good experience this time :)

Saturday Lance and Janice joined us and we went to a food and music festival. Many good times were had. Later on Ben's roommate came too. We rocked out to live music that took us back to the 90's, and then afterward we all went to see the movie "Prometheus." It was pretty good. The atmosphere was excellent and Logan Marshall-Green is hot, but some of the characters did some pretty stupid things that took me out of the movie a little bit.

Lance spent the night on Saturday, and Sunday him, Ben and I went to breakfast at a place I'd heard about (Jake the Aussie actually recommended it to me recently). It was great. Afterwards Lance went back home and my day alone with Ben kicked off. We had decided that I would take Ben on a tour of the area I grew up in, which is pretty close to where I live now. I grew up fairly close to the beach, hence the connection to the blog entry title :-)

We started off by driving by my old middle school, then went to my childhood neighborhood. On a whim I decided to go up to my old house's front door to see if the current owners would let us take a peek inside. To my surprise, the house was completely empty. I decided to take Ben into the backyard, which was a great idea. We could look in the windows at most of the rooms of the house, and I recounted numerous childhood memories. Last time I stood in that backyard, being in a gay relationship someday would have been the furthest thing from my mind. Now I can say I've kissed my boyfriend in the backyard where I spent countless hours.

The next destination was my high school (we drove by my elementary school on the way). I parked and led Ben through the school grounds. The school has had a number of additions since I graduated 10 years ago. I didn't even recognize certain areas. There was an event going on inside the main building, so we were able to go in and look around. We walked by the library where I used to hang out during lunch with my friends and eventually found a door that led into a completely new wing of the school. Going through the door, we came out into a courtyard surrounded by two stories of classrooms. It was very neat! It's amazing how much the school has improved. Once we had looked around the new wing, we walked to the nearest door which would lead back to the parking lot. Chained. We walked over to another one. Chained. Another one. Same thing. "Guess we have to go back the way we came," I said. We returned to the door that we had come from. It had locked behind us! "Oh no," I said, "We're trapped in my old high school!" We began to look for a way out, our pace quickening as we laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation. Finally I located a gate that had a place where I could put my foot which would allow me to climb over it. We scaled the gate and made it down to the other side. We had successfully broken out of my old high school. Phew!

After our great escape I took Ben to the park where I had many memories growing up. We walked all around the perimeter of the park, enjoying a garden path that had been added in recent years at one point. Throughout our walk I unfortunately was very conscious of participating in PDA while people were around. Eventually we came upon a secluded area where there was a log where we could sit. We sat there in the shade for a while, kissing and holding each other. Eventually we continued on our way. After the park we went to the mall so Ben could buy clothes for a wedding he's going to at the end of the week. While he was shopping I caught up with a friend on the phone who just had a birthday. During the conversation I told him about Ben. He was very happy for me. After the mall, I took Ben to my favorite childhood frozen yogurt place, then we finished the day by visiting where I went to college.

By the end of the day my voice was beginning to get hoarse. I was hoping it was due to singing at the festival concert and all of the talking. The last thing I want is for Ben to be sick for the wedding he's going to. He left to go back home and I spent the evening napping.

This morning I woke up feeling pretty bad. My throat was sore, my voice was crap, and I was super tired. I decided to stay home from work to recuperate. I texted Ben to warn him to take Vitamin C and zinc in order to ward off any virus I may have given him. He called back assuring me that he felt fine. He said he wanted to send me soup or something, but I didn't want him to get too distracted from his other responsibilities like work and preparing for the wedding. Then, this afternoon the doorbell rang. It was a delivery guy dropping off chicken noodle soup and Chamomile tea, courtesy of Ben!! 

I like him so much. I'm still working on integrating the gay thing into my self-concept, but weekends like this definitely help. And Lance and Janice were so awesome about it all. Ben complimented me on my choice of friends many times. I agree, I am so lucky :-)

All mixed up . . . and Santa Monica

A recap of the last week, and the weekend.

Last week I was in a very weird mood. I touched on it a little bit in my last entry. I was feeling a bit of the old doubts and confusions creep in, which was quite distressing to me. I was stressing about the future, about the doors I'd be closing by going forward with a relationship with Ben. I started having some of the old obsessions coming back, including trying to test/check my sexuality by looking for any hint of attraction to girls. There actually was one, a nurse in my doctor's office, that I felt pretty attracted to, which just fed the confusion more. The visit with the counselor did help me quite a bit. As I said before, she pointed out that I had experienced a lot of significant events in a short time span (the comments helped too guys, thanks). Another part of the issue may have been my first sexual escapade, which had made me a bit self-conscious because it took a long time for me to climax (I finally finished it myself because I was a little embarrassed about how long it was taking). Also, I think I'm still trying to adjust to the biggest change in my life, trying to integrate the fact that I'm in a gay relationship into my self-concept. It got so bad that I even started feeling guilty, like I was dragging Ben along while I still was "All Mixed Up" about myself.

Luckily, all of that changed when Friday evening rolled around. As soon as I drove to LA and was greeted by Ben's smiling face the doubts began to melt away. Before long we were cuddling on his bed. Thus began yet another epic weekend of non-stop fun.

First we went to a rock concert in Hollywood with some of Ben's friends. Outside the club I walked right by Tyler Posey, the (hot) actor from MTV's Teen Wolf. Apparently he's in a band that played before we got there.

This is what I could have seen. D'oh!!

Saturday we went hiking in Runyon Canyon (the two of us and a friend), where you can see all sorts of beefcake in their natural habitat. The city views were amazing too! And so many dogs! Then that night we went in a big group to see an improv show. My cousin joined us. The show was excellent, and afterward Ben, my cousin, Ben's friend, and I went walking through Hollywood. I'd never done it at night before. It was amazing. We walked over to Grouman's Chinese Theater and eventually ended up at a diner where we had a late night snack. It was a great time.

Sunday I went to have lunch with my cousin and our friend . . . let's call him "Lance." I may have mentioned this particular friend before . . . Suffice it to say that coming out to this guy was kind of a big deal for me. Well I did, and Lance took it very well. He was totally cool about it, and admitted that he and Janice had speculated about me during our Europe trip back in 2010. I don't think I'll be telling him that I used to have feelings for him . . . no need to complicate things and by now that's pretty irrelevant.

After I returned to Ben we vegged out on his bed for a while. We had talked about renting bikes and going to Santa Monica, but the impulse to just relax and hold each other was pretty strong, haha. Finally (after a couple of false starts) we decided to do it. We said goodbye to Ben's gal pal who had spent the night (I hope she wasn't too upset to have the pull-out bed since I kinda stole her cuddle buddy . . .) and drove over to Santa Monica. I'm so glad we did! We rented the bikes and rode around for about an hour and a half. After that we spent some time hanging out at the fitness area near the pier watching some extremely attractive guys use the "traveling rings." I also just had to show off and do some pull-ups. I did 13, a personal best! After that we walked through the Third Street Promenade in Santa Monica and had dinner. There was live music, and when it got dark and all the lights in the trees came on it was beautiful. Several times throughout the day Ben and I practiced our PDA. We'd walk with our arms around each other and sometimes even hold hands. The latter I could really only do comfortable for a short while before I got too nervous about people looking. 

Sunday night as we lay in bed we had a talk. Ben surprised me by saying that before me, he had actually been pretty inhibited when it comes to PDA as well, and that he didn't detect my reservations at all. I admit, I'm a bit amazed at myself over how I've been able to do it. I guess I'm finally getting over what other people think of me. I also opened up a bit about the doubts I'd had last week, but assured him that the time spent with him had shattered those doubts. Finally . . . to top off an amazing weekend, I asked Ben if he would be my boyfriend (since he pretty much already was). He said absolutely.

So now here I am. I'm no longer "experimenting." I'm no longer "trying out" dating guys to see if it's for me. I've found an amazing guy who makes me smile just thinking about him, who makes every minute I spend with him feel like I'm on vacation, who makes the minutes fly by when I talk to him on the phone. Could I have the same thing with a girl? Maybe yes, maybe no. But it's time I got my head out of the what ifs and the future and started enjoying the now. Because if it feels right in the now, chances are the future will be just fine.

The song that inspired the name of this blog:

And another one in honor of the awesome weekend:

Let's spend the night together

Another milestone reached. My very first sexual experience.

Now, hopefully you all won't be too disappointed but I'm a bit too modest to share the details of an intimate experience with someone I care about. Sorry . . . haha. 

What I will say is that Ben is an amazingly considerate, patient, and communicative guy, and my first time couldn't have been more comfortable. The idea of a one-night stand now really seems crazy to me. I don't know how I could have done it had it not been with someone that I knew well and trusted.

The rest of Memorial Day before that was great too. It had been nearly two weeks since I last saw Ben, so it was great to pick him up at the airport and go to lunch. We ate at the Farmer's Market in Los Angeles, which is full of great food. After eating we walked around and even made some public displays of affection. We sat in the grass, me leaned up against him, and later we walked a bit holding hands. That made me a bit too self-conscious, I couldn't keep it up for very long. Stupid society. Then we spent several hours back at his place just lounging around, talking and cuddling. We met up with my cousin, who was the first member of my family that Ben has met. This morning after we got (some) sleep, Ben ran over to the store to get food while I was in the shower, then he made me breakfast while I was getting ready for work. He's soooo sweet . . .  :-)

Today after I left Ben's and went to work I was feeling a bit . . . confused. I felt like I should be a lot more happy, even euphoric, than I was feeling. I went to the counselor today and shared my concerns, and she suggested something interesting. In the span of two short weeks I took the MCAT, came out to my father, and had my first sexual experience. All three are things that I've been building up to for a long, long time. According to her, it's no surprise that I feel a bit of a let down after accomplishing so many goals in so short a time. Now it's, "what next?" Looks like I need to make me some new goals, haha. Spending next weekend with Ben sounds like a good start.

Peaceful easy feeling

I'm back at my parents' house in the Midwest after a week-long road trip through Tennessee. The sightseeing was a lot of fun, especially because I got both of my stresses out of the way beforehand.

I took the MCAT last Saturday. It was really tough, and I don't get to find out how I did until mid-June. I think I did okay, but I'm not sure I reached my target score that would bolster my chances of getting in where I want (namely, California). Oh well, it's done so I'm not going to worry about it.

As for coming out to my dad, I had initially planned to do it at the end of the road trip. In typical fashion for me, I was putting others before myself and not wanting to "ruin" the road trip for him by doing it before. At some point, however, I realized I was being a little over-dramatic, and what would happen instead is that I would be affecting my own enjoyment of the road trip by waiting. I didn't want that cloud hanging over me when I was supposed to be enjoying my time with my parents, so I resolved to do it before we left.  Finally an opportunity arose: my mom went to the store (and not so subtly hinted that it would be a good time to do it), leaving me home alone with my dad. Once I pulled his attention away from TV, I set into a long, somewhat awkward story about my progress as a person over the last couple years. My confidence issues, my career indecision, and finally my sexuality confusion, leading up to the revelation that I had been dating guys and was seeing one seriously.

The reaction: he took it pretty well. Very calmly. After my admission we got into a brief discussion about conservatism vs. liberalism, which led to him basically saying that when it comes to social issues such as homosexuality he is a bit more liberal (of course I had to use the L word, he'd never use such a dirty word to describe himself in any way, haha). Of course he still isn't for gay marriage, but it's basically just the word "marriage" that he's stuck on. Anyways, basically we had the conversation and it went alright. His main issue was that he felt like I hadn't tried dating girls enough to know for sure that it wasn't for me. I had trouble responding to that because, well, it's true. I've only really been on one date with a girl. It took me a while to come up with a response: "Well, I think the reason I didn't date more girls, besides lack of self-confidence at the time, was simply lack of interest." In any case, he's not going to pressure me to date girls or anything, it was just a concern of his. Even after the conversation ended though, I was still uneasy. I felt like something was missing.

My dad's not the best communicator, so if you want something from him you really have to ask for it. He won't volunteer much of anything that isn't a diatribe about Obama or a joke. So later, after I realized what had been missing from our previous discussion, I got him alone and asked him: "Dad, if I find a relationship, guy or girl, that makes me happy . . . where would you stand?" His response: "With you, of course. We both want you to be happy." That was it. That's what I wanted to hear.

Everything being out in the open with both of my parents was extremely liberating. I ended up talking with Ben on the phone every night during the trip, often in plain sight of my parents (the one time I tried to get some privacy by talking in the truck led to me accidentally setting off the truck's horn alarm at midnight in a campground we were staying at . . . uhh oops). I was even able to Skype with him several times using my mom's IPad. It was great sharing my travel experiences with him as they progressed, and hearing about how things are with him back home in CA. We had a number of really good conversations. During one of them, I came clean about pretty much everything that I hadn't been forthright with before: including my past concerns about sex drive, the T gel I'd been using (he's going to smell it sooner or later, though I've been refraining use of it on days when I'm with him), and even this blog. He knew before that I had used blogging to come to terms with my sexuality, but he didn't know until now that I still actively blog (and talk about him). He was cool with it, and with everything else. I assured him that everything I've written about him has been positive :-) Who knows, maybe I'll let him read it someday.

I just talked to him a little while ago, he is currently on a plane bound for the east coast, to return in a couple days. I will pick him up at the airport on Memorial Day, and I can't wait. We are both definitely in the infatuation stage of our relationship, haha.

I've selected this entry's song for several reasons:
1. I've just been through Nashville and Memphis, so I wanted something a little country rockish.
2. "Peaceful easy feeling" pretty much describes my state of mind right now.
3. The Eagles are sort of "the band" for Ben and me. We saw an Eagles tribute band together recently, and he has said that all of their songs now remind him of me :-)

Peace out y'all!

Head over heels

Originally, I was expecting 3 weeks to pass without seeing Ben, since I'm flying out tomorrow and won't be returning until the day before Memorial Day. I figured I wouldn't be seeing him again until the weekend after that. However, we've found ways to cut the time down a bit.

First, it turns out that he returns from his trip back east early on Memorial Day, so I offered to pick him up from the airport and spend the rest of the day with him. He enthusiastically accepted.

Then he called me at work today and asked if I had plans for dinner tonight. I was instantly super excited, but informed him that I actually had made plans with some friends (Tom and Philip). He was reluctant to cause me to change my plans, but since my friends have been looking forward to meeting him I decided to check with them to see if it'd be okay if he joined us. They were of course cool with it. So he drove down and met me at my place. He came to the front door when I was in my room changing, so he ended up meeting my roommate. I haven't told her about me yet, so I wonder if she had any suspicions (especially when he disappeared around the corner to kiss me as I came out of my room, haha).

We drove to meet my friends, and I became adept at driving with one hand on the steering wheel and one arm wrapped around him :-)  I still need two hands to park though, so I'd always have to say "parking" so he'd let me go. While waiting for Tom and Philip to show up we sat next to each other on a bench. There was a security guard nearby that no doubt noticed Ben's arm around my neck, not to mention how close we were sitting. Soon the guard had wandered out of sight. I definitely am a little self-conscious of PDA, but I guess you kind of have to be in many places.

Dinner was great. Ben got along with Tom and Philip real well. He was excited to meet some of my friends since I had met a lot of his friends at karaoke several weeks ago. I think they liked him too. We ordered two entrees and shared them, and sat real close the whole time. Half the time we were holding hands under the table. It was great. I wasn't too self conscious since it was mostly college students eating in that place. After dinner he had to return home because he works early in the morning. It was so hard to let him go! We made out a bit in the car, traded compliments and flirtations, and then he left. But now it's only about a week and a half before I see him again, instead of 3 weeks!

I admit, there were times during this past week when the old doubts came creeping in, intensified by the reality of what I'm doing. Thinking about my upcoming conversation with my dad and attending the wedding over the weekend made me think again, "couldn't I make it work with a girl, how do I know if I don't try?"

But Ben is amazing. I love spending time with him, talking to him, learning about him. I enjoy holding him, touching him, kissing him. He's really an amazing catch in soooo many ways. I just need to fully come to terms with being gay. One thing's for sure though . . . it's a lot easier when he's around. I was worried about showing affection in front of my friends and whether I'd be comfortable with it, but once Ben was there I could barely keep my hands off of him, haha.

I've got two big challenges coming up in the next week and a half: the TEST and telling my DAD. So next time I write in this blog I'm sure I'll have much to talk about. Let's hope it's good things.

 

Pinch me

Things are surreal.

It's been a little more than a week now since my relationship with Ben had its big upgrade. Since that time we've talked and texted every day. Since I'll be out of town for the next two weekends, we had made plans to meet up Saturday morning for a few hours, before I had to go off to a wedding.

Friday rolls around and I start thinking . . . you know, why don't I just head up to Ben's house tonight after I pick my mom up from the airport and she goes back to her hotel? So that's what I did. We spent the night cuddled on the couch watching TV, then continued the cuddle fest in his bed :-) And I experienced my very first make out session . . . that's fun.

Saturday morning we slept in and talked a bunch, then decided to go to the store for breakfast supplies. Then, to the sound of 90's alternative rock (Hello Third Eye Blind!) we cooked breakfast. He made scrambled eggs (with mushrooms) while I cooked the bacon, which I actually hadn't done before. It all turned out awesome! It was a beautiful day, so we ate outside in his backyard, along with his roommate. It was so hard to leave for the wedding!

Today was Mother's Day, and since my mom came into town for the wedding she was able to spend it with my sisters and me. I, unfortunately, spent much of the day studying for the big test next week. I still don't feel like I'm quite prepared enough for it. I must say, dating definitely was a distraction this past couple months. But I don't regret it at all. It brought Ben into my life, which has really been great. I've had so much fun with him these past two months that I've known him. Tonight I talked to him on Skype, which was very nice. I will definitely make use of that during my trip to the Midwest.

When I'm with Ben, things are awesome. I love talking to him, being around him, and holding him. When I'm not I must admit it kind of hits me what I'm doing. Things are out of the hypothetical now. I'm a gay guy doing gay things. The implications are far-reaching. First up . . . telling my father. Oh boy.

Turn the page

Thanks again for all of the comments on the last entry guys, it really means a lot. I still can't believe my weekend, it's so surreal.

I just talked to Ben on the phone for an hour and a half. Among many things we talked about the weekend and clarified some things. We talked a bit more about our feelings and where our minds are at right now. Basically, the plan is to take it slowly and still just focus on spending time together for right now. Unfortunately this weekend is pretty busy, and I'll be out of town for the two weekends after that. I'm going to try to leave enough time on Saturday morning to spend several hours with him, though I have a wedding to attend later in the day. I asked him how he feels about the distance between us (about 45 minutes without traffic . . . but this is So Cal so there's often traffic). He said it was a concern at first, but now he feels it might actually be a good thing. It will force us to pace ourselves a bit.

I also decided to call up the guys I've been seeing to give them the heads up that I just want to be friends right now. There are other people on the sites that I've been talking with for a while that I kind of wanted to meet up with, so I will probably suggest the idea of being friends to them as well and see if they still want to meet up. Right now I'd prefer just to focus on Ben, even though we're not really "boyfriends" yet. My feelings for him would get in the way of developing much for anyone else.

Now as I look at the prospect of potentially entering my very first relationship, I will need to evaluate what role this blog will play. Having another person in the picture changes things, even though this is anonymous. Who knows, maybe some day I'll even let Ben read it. I think what I'll do is I will focus on myself. I'll talk about how I'm feeling and my perspective on things. I won't be saying much about what Ben says or does, out of respect for his privacy.

I think of my relationship with Ben thus far kind of as a multi-act play.

Act I: The first three dates, the "getting to know you" phase. My initial fondness for him, and the crushing disappointment of being relegated to the Friend Zone.

Act II: The friendship. The hike, the karaoke, and Cinco de Mayo. Each time my feelings for him increasing until the moment of truth . . . and the subsequent payoff :-)

Act III: What's going to happen? We'll have to turn the page.

One of these nights

Sometimes all it takes is one night and your world turns upside down (in a good way!)

Yesterday was Cinco de Mayo, and incidentally it was the latest planned hang out for Ben and I. All in all it was an amazing day. We went to a live music/food event and an improv show, then went and got drinks afterward and talked for a long time. I offered to let him crash at my place since we got back from the bar quite late. We set up the spare bed and talked some more, then he said it was time that he went to bed. Meanwhile, something was swimming in my mind . . . now's the time . . . show him how you feel . . . make a move . . .


I finally worked up the nerve to do what I had been thinking about. Way back at our second date he had given me a kiss on the cheek, so I decided to return the favor. That way it could be viewed as a sign that I still have feelings for him, and if the feelings weren't returned I could just write it off as giving closure to that part of our relationship. I gave him a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. Afterward, I hung around for a while rather awkwardly, not wanting the moment to end but not knowing what to do next. Finally I figured I'd done what I had set out to do and decided to leave him and go to bed. I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth.

When I came out I went to my bedroom door, but hesitated. I called out, telling him to let me know if he needed anything. He responded, "B, let's talk."

So we talked. I spilled my guts, telling him about the other dates I'd been on and how none of them even came close to measuring up to the way I felt about him. I told him about how every time I hang out with him I end up liking him more.

Up until this point the big wonder on my mind had been how HE felt, and whether anything had changed since the "Friend Zone" talk.

It turns out things HAD changed. Apparently in the times since then I have shown sides of my personality that didn't quite come through during the initial couple of meet ups. From what I gathered, he did have some kind of feelings for me, he just wasn't sure exactly what they were yet.

After we talked we lay there in silence for a couple awkward moments. I could tell from the look on his face that he knew what I was thinking. After hemming and hawing to myself for a bit I finally said, "Ah screw it," and went in for a kiss. My first kiss with a guy. I need more practice :-P

The spare bed ended up not being used last night. We kept things casual, neither of us want to move things too fast. But the intimacy barrier that I spoke of previously has definitely been broken for me. By the morning I was definitely comfortable kissing him, touching him, cuddling, all that good stuff. And I felt so . . . relaxed! Admittedly I didn't get much sleep as I'm not used to sharing a bed with someone, but I didn't care. It was a great feeling to have someone there that I care about, and to be able to hold him and whisper to him.

He left this morning after we laid in bed for a little while talking. Next weekend is my last before I'm out of town for a week and a half, so we're talking about meeting up again. No definition yet as to what we have going on between us, but that's OK for now. All I know is I had a great day, night, and morning, and so did Ben.

P.S. For all intents and purposes, I am gay. :-)