Return to the Windy City

Once again it has been a while since I have posted, and a lot has been going on. I'm not sure whether I should have a massive info dump in this entry or just spread it across several. I guess I'll just start typing and see what happens!

I decided to respond to Ben's email, the one that he sent in response to my Happy Birthday email. I figured it would be rude not to. However, I kept it very short and didn't ask any questions of my own. Pretty much just "Work's going fine. Going to Chicago later this week. Thanks for asking." I'm just not ready to start dialogue with him. I broke radio silence to wish him happy birthday, but now it's time to go quiet again.

Chicago was fun. It was the second time I went. As you may recall, the first time I went to Chicago I had not yet begun dating, and I used the opportunity to go to my very first gay bar. So, I was determined to go back to Boystown this time and experience it as an out gay guy. Unfortunately, I got sick starting the Monday before my trip (I left on Friday). I was much better by Friday, but still not 100%.

Day 1: Lots of travel. I flew over, then had to sit in the car for a long time on the drive from O'Hare to my hotel. Luckily the driver was super nice. He was a Romanian immigrant with quite an interesting life story. That night I explored the area around my hotel a bit and walked down to a mall called The Shops at North Bridge. I like checking out malls in different places. Not so much to shop, just to take in the atmosphere and people. A cute guy at the tea shop offered me samples. After I tried them I left, then decided to chat with him some more and asked him for a recommendation for a pizza place. I didn't get a gay vibe from him so I moved on after that. Back at my hotel I went on the dating website and decided to see if I could use the broadcast function to find some new local friends to hang out with during my time in the city. I ended up getting three responses (all Asian guys oddly enough, I'm not sure whether it was coincidence, whether I tend to attract Asians, or whether they are more friendly on average, haha) I went to bed pretty early in order to try to kick the rest of my cold.

Day 2: My only full day all to myself with no work commitments. I took the metro up to Hollywood Beach, which is Chicago's gay beach, to meet up with the first guy from the dating site and his friend. They were both very nice. I thought his friend was quite cute, and he had a bit of a Southern accent and a very fast way of talking that enhanced the effect. We hung out at the beach for a bit and got acquainted, then we left. I went back with my new friend to his place so he could shower and change (no, no funny business, haha). After that we met the Southern guy again to have dinner and then go drinking. My new friends were quite the drinkers, haha. I didn't drink quite as much as them, for which I am very glad. I still consumed several shots and my head was spinning afterward. We spent some time at a bar where we danced quite a bit and chatted with a group of girls that were out celebrating a birthday. We then ended up at a dance club in Boystown. It was super packed, with poor visibility due to all the fog. At one point my friend (the one from the dating site) disappeared. I assumed he would be right back, that he had just gone to the restroom. But he didn't return. Me and the Southern guy danced for a bit, including me doing a little grinding (good times, lol). Then he took off too, presumably to look for his friend. He didn't return either. I started texting the first guy, with no response. Eventually, after a half hour of wondering through the club looking for them, it was getting really late and I decided just to call it a night and go back to the hotel. I wasn't too pissed about getting ditched, but things would have been different had I been more intoxicated or if I wasn't already familiar with how to get back to the hotel from Boystown. Bless my sense of direction!

Day 3: I woke up with a bit of a headache, and stayed in bed until about noon. That's no way to start a day in Chicago! I hoped that my night of drinking hadn't suppressed my immune system to the point that I would suffer a relapse of my cold. Luckily that didn't happen. The dating site dude finally responded to me, apologizing for having not responded to my texts the night before. Turns out he went home. He would later tell me that it is a habit of his when drunk to vanish and go home without telling anybody. That . . . could be problematic someday. After I got up, drank a lot of water, ate, and took some headache medicine, I felt better. I decided to walk around outside. My hotel was near the Navy Pier, so I walked over by that area. A sign for the architecture river tour caught my eye. A coworker who used to live in Chicago had encouraged me to go on that tour. So I decided to do so. I had my doubts at first . . . the sun was hot and there was no cover on the boat. Ultimately I loved the experience though. The tour guide was great, the views were awesome and I learned a lot about all the different skyscrapers in Chicago. Architecture isn't usually one of my interests, but the guide managed to make it fascinating. That night there was a reception and dinner for work, which I attended. I just stayed in my room afterward, since work meetings the next day would start very early.

Day 4: Most of the day was taken up by meetings. In the late afternoon I met up with the second guy from the dating site. He was very nice. We went to a coffee place to chat. I found him to be much more low key than the first guy. A bit closer to my temperament. We ended up talking about our experiences with relationships. He had a pretty hurtful breakup not long ago too. I informed him that my plan for the night was to go to Roscoe's, the very first gay bar I'd ever gone to, for their live band karaoke night. That was what had most enticed me back in the fall of 2011, and I was determined to go back and maybe even sing this time. He agreed to go with me. We walked down to Michigan Avenue and the Magnificent Mile before I needed to return to my hotel for dinner. After dinner I took the metro up to Boystown and met my friend at the bar. It took a while for the crowd to build up at Roscoe's, but eventually there were a fair number of guys. Some were very good singers! I studied the song list for something I could sing. My voice wasn't yet 100% recovered from my cold, so I didn't want to pick something too ambitious.

My first inclination was to sing "Suffragette City" by David Bowie. Since I envisioned my trip to the bar as a sort of "coming full circle," I thought picking a symbolic song might be good too. When I was with Ben, our karaoke song of choice was "Under Pressure," a duet by Freddie Mercury and David Bowie. I always sang the David Bowie part. Therefore, I thought it might be therapeutic to sing a Bowie solo song. After all, Bowie doesn't need Mercury to be awesome. However, it being in front of a live band and all, I just didn't feel like I knew the Bowie song well enough to attempt it. Instead, I chose to sing "Hey Jealousy" by the Gin Blossoms. That song always brings me back to the 90s, and I figured the range would be doable even in my slightly congested state. My performance went well! I think I jumped the gun a few times while singing, skipping parts and what not, but the band was great at compensating. Afterward I walked across the bar back to my seat, noticing that no one complimented me. I thought that was odd. I had been making it a habit of complimenting guys whose performance I liked as they walked by me. It gave me the impression that the bar was a bit cliquish. My friend complimented me though. He said I sounded just like the singer of the Gin Blossoms. I appreciated that.

Once intermission hit we decided to check out another bar, Sidetrack. They were having a showtune night. It seemed like a pretty neat bar. Very large and very crowded. Showtunes were playing on big screens and so many guys were really getting into them! The only one that I got excited about was "Circle of Life," haha. After that we called it a night. My friend had driven, so he was kind enough to drive me back to my hotel so I didn't have to do the metro/walk combo so late at night.

Day 5: Another meeting, which got out mid-afternoon. I decided to repeat one of my favorite parts of my previous trip to Chicago: renting a bike and riding up the bike path along Lake Michigan. By this day I was feeling almost back to normal. The weather had been great up to this point, but by now the humidity I had been expecting was finally starting to show its face. I biked all the way up to the gay beach, then cut west into Andersonville. I had lunch at a Mediterranean restaurant, then rode through town a ways. I managed to locate Boystown (I swear, that's the part of Chicago I'm most familiar with now, haha), then went east to return to the bike path. I had texted my first friend from the dating site (the one who had pulled the Houdini act at the club) to see if he and the Southern guy might want to join me for a show at the IO improv theater, since they had expressed interest before. Plus, I wanted to see the Southern guy again. By the time I returned the bike to Navy Pier I was running short on time. I had to skip a shower and ended up taking a cab up to Wrigleyville, where the IO theater is located. My dating site friend joined me, but unfortunately the Southern guy did not. The show was good, very funny. Afterward we walked over to Boystown, which is very close by, so that I could grab some food. While I ate we chatted a bit. The guy wants to move to So Cal at some point in the near future to pursue his career. Once I was done we parted ways and I made my way back to the hotel.

Day 6: Departure. No trip to O'Hare Airport is complete without a flight delay. I ended up arriving at my layover location, Houston, right when my connecting flight was leaving. The airline compensated me with a $10 food coupon for the food court (hey big spender!) and put me on the next available flight, which was several hours later. I made a new friend, a long haired guy who was also on the same connecting flight. We stuck together to figure out where we needed to go, then went our separate ways until departure time. I really enjoy meeting new people!

Throughout all the day to day events of Chicago, I was a bit varied in my emotional state. At times I felt very lonely. After all, the last time I had gone on a work trip to a big city I had a significant other to accompany me. My loneliness even led me to do the unthinkable (for me): download Grindr. I think part of it was also because once again the sexuality doubts were creeping into my mind. I wanted to take a look at guys in the area to see if any were particularly attractive to me. And perhaps . . . make use of my big, lonely hotel room for some further experimentation. Well, that didn't end up happening, but I did chat with some guys and even got a boner picture sent to me, haha.

One unexpected occurrence during my trip: I got a text from a guy that I had chatted with over several months on OkCupid and email. Several months before he had gotten into a relationship, but was still interested in meeting up to be friends. Well, he texted me with a simple, "Cal, I need advice." "Uh oh," I thought. "What could this be about?" Turns out he had just been dumped from his first relationship. He remembered that I had gone through something similar and wanted any advice I had on how to get through the misery. My heart went out to him. I remembered vividly how it was the first couple of days, and weeks. Heck, it was six months ago and I still have much healing to do. I texted him some advice and suggested we could meet up upon my trip to LA the following weekend.

Alright, that is more than enough for one entry. Still lots to discuss, including my recent bouts with some fairly bad depression (for me), a fun birthday weekend in LA which included a visit with an old friend, and the date that I just came back from a little while ago tonight. Suffice it say for now that it went VERY well! :-)

Until next time!

Peaceful easy feeling

I'm back at my parents' house in the Midwest after a week-long road trip through Tennessee. The sightseeing was a lot of fun, especially because I got both of my stresses out of the way beforehand.

I took the MCAT last Saturday. It was really tough, and I don't get to find out how I did until mid-June. I think I did okay, but I'm not sure I reached my target score that would bolster my chances of getting in where I want (namely, California). Oh well, it's done so I'm not going to worry about it.

As for coming out to my dad, I had initially planned to do it at the end of the road trip. In typical fashion for me, I was putting others before myself and not wanting to "ruin" the road trip for him by doing it before. At some point, however, I realized I was being a little over-dramatic, and what would happen instead is that I would be affecting my own enjoyment of the road trip by waiting. I didn't want that cloud hanging over me when I was supposed to be enjoying my time with my parents, so I resolved to do it before we left.  Finally an opportunity arose: my mom went to the store (and not so subtly hinted that it would be a good time to do it), leaving me home alone with my dad. Once I pulled his attention away from TV, I set into a long, somewhat awkward story about my progress as a person over the last couple years. My confidence issues, my career indecision, and finally my sexuality confusion, leading up to the revelation that I had been dating guys and was seeing one seriously.

The reaction: he took it pretty well. Very calmly. After my admission we got into a brief discussion about conservatism vs. liberalism, which led to him basically saying that when it comes to social issues such as homosexuality he is a bit more liberal (of course I had to use the L word, he'd never use such a dirty word to describe himself in any way, haha). Of course he still isn't for gay marriage, but it's basically just the word "marriage" that he's stuck on. Anyways, basically we had the conversation and it went alright. His main issue was that he felt like I hadn't tried dating girls enough to know for sure that it wasn't for me. I had trouble responding to that because, well, it's true. I've only really been on one date with a girl. It took me a while to come up with a response: "Well, I think the reason I didn't date more girls, besides lack of self-confidence at the time, was simply lack of interest." In any case, he's not going to pressure me to date girls or anything, it was just a concern of his. Even after the conversation ended though, I was still uneasy. I felt like something was missing.

My dad's not the best communicator, so if you want something from him you really have to ask for it. He won't volunteer much of anything that isn't a diatribe about Obama or a joke. So later, after I realized what had been missing from our previous discussion, I got him alone and asked him: "Dad, if I find a relationship, guy or girl, that makes me happy . . . where would you stand?" His response: "With you, of course. We both want you to be happy." That was it. That's what I wanted to hear.

Everything being out in the open with both of my parents was extremely liberating. I ended up talking with Ben on the phone every night during the trip, often in plain sight of my parents (the one time I tried to get some privacy by talking in the truck led to me accidentally setting off the truck's horn alarm at midnight in a campground we were staying at . . . uhh oops). I was even able to Skype with him several times using my mom's IPad. It was great sharing my travel experiences with him as they progressed, and hearing about how things are with him back home in CA. We had a number of really good conversations. During one of them, I came clean about pretty much everything that I hadn't been forthright with before: including my past concerns about sex drive, the T gel I'd been using (he's going to smell it sooner or later, though I've been refraining use of it on days when I'm with him), and even this blog. He knew before that I had used blogging to come to terms with my sexuality, but he didn't know until now that I still actively blog (and talk about him). He was cool with it, and with everything else. I assured him that everything I've written about him has been positive :-) Who knows, maybe I'll let him read it someday.

I just talked to him a little while ago, he is currently on a plane bound for the east coast, to return in a couple days. I will pick him up at the airport on Memorial Day, and I can't wait. We are both definitely in the infatuation stage of our relationship, haha.

I've selected this entry's song for several reasons:
1. I've just been through Nashville and Memphis, so I wanted something a little country rockish.
2. "Peaceful easy feeling" pretty much describes my state of mind right now.
3. The Eagles are sort of "the band" for Ben and me. We saw an Eagles tribute band together recently, and he has said that all of their songs now remind him of me :-)

Peace out y'all!

Helter skelter

I've got blisters on me fingers!!! Ha ha.

Helter Skelter by The Beatles is a fun, high energy song. It is also rather tough to sing. Why I decided to sing it at my first ever karaoke experience is beyond me :-)

Yep, I tried karaoke last night. I went with Ben and his friends. Had a blast! And I got so many compliments about my singing (including from Ben, who is a very good singer himself) that I was really on Cloud 9. One girl apparently commented that at first I seemed really shy, but having the microphone in hand really made me come out of my shell. Honestly walking in I had no idea what it was going to be like. But something just made me open up and let loose. Maybe it was seeing Ben do it and wanting to impress him? :-) Who knows. In any case it was great fun, and I look forward to doing it again. I also made a new guitar jamming buddy in Ben's roommate, so that's cool. I won't be coming to Ben's neck of the woods again for a while, but he offered to come down to my area next weekend! Ahh he's so cool. Whoa teenage schoolgirl mode deactivate . . . okay I'm better.

In other news I had a lunch date with Guy # 9 today. He's a scientist, so we had a lot to talk about. It sounds like he had a bit of a quarter life crisis as well (in fact a number of the guys I've dated opened up about that), which made me feel a lot better about mine, haha. At one point he complimented me about how I seemed "natural" in comparison to some guys he has dated, who came across as very nervous. Honestly I'm surprising myself about how non-nervous I've been on these dates.

I talked to Philip on the phone for the first time since I came out to him. After telling him about my karaoke experience he brought up the idea of doing a double date, haha! I told him I'm in the Friend Zone now, I'll have to get upgraded before we start talking about double dating.

Telephone line

Yeah, this song title idea is getting hard, haha. I'll see how long I can keep it up but I might go back to only using song titles when it makes sense.

Anyways, today's song is about a guy who can't get over his failed relationship and keeps calling his ex-lover even though he receives no answer. It brings to mind a pet peeve of mine: when people don't respond to you. It's probably the most frustrating thing I've experienced with the dating websites. I'll message someone, and he'll respond, and then I reply back and that's it. No more messages. Was it something I said? Did he get busy? Or just bored? Hard to say, but it's annoying. Even worse is when someone messages me and then stops responding. I even had a guy tell me I seemed "pretty awesome," then shortly after he stopped responding. Kinda makes the compliment seem less sincere. (As an aside, I got an email from OkCupid saying I'm "among the most attractive people" on the site, and that I'll start seeing more attractive people in my match results. Rrrright . . . I'm sure you say that to all the guys, haha. Nice marketing ploy there.)

The most aggravating case of this has been Conner. I know I didn't really feel "sparks" or anything when I met him a couple weekends ago, but I thought he was pretty cool and wanted to hang out with him again. But he never replied to my text, and he never replied to the email I sent a couple days later. Yet today on Match he looked at my profile again. So . . . what the hell? Some people need to grow some balls and tell you when they're not interested, instead of just being rude and giving you the cold shoulder. I know this kind of thing is common, especially in the world of online dating, but it still pisses me off.

That's what is great about Jake and Ben. Neither of them were interested in pursuing dating further with me, but both had the guts to let me know instead of just cutting me off. Ben even had the talk in person, which I respect. He's also stayed true to his word about wanting to remain friends, as we've already made tentative plans to go hiking again next weekend. As for Jake, we've chatted a bit on Facebook and text. I'll probably see if he wants to hang out sometime.

I also emailed the ol' Facebook acquaintance that flaked out on me before. I figured maybe the reason he was being unresponsive was because he didn't particularly want to help me work through my issues, so this time I emailed him to tell him about all the progress I made. I simply said I wanted to make some more gay friends so if he'd still be up for meeting up sometime that'd be cool. He did respond this time, saying that he's not always good with email and Facebook. He said he's super busy with work but he'll hit me up when things cool down. I don't really expect him to, I guess I just wanted some closure with that. Meanwhile I tried reaching out to another Facebook friend (this one I know a little better . . . but just a little, haha).

In other news, I met up with Guy # 6 today. I'm not really attracted to him, but he's nice so if he calls me I'd probably be up to hanging out again. But I'd make it clear that I just like him as a friend.

Aaron and I will probably get together again this week at some point, so we'll see how that goes. After that I'm probably going to slow down the dating thing for a few weeks as I focus on other things.

Free Will

Today's song contains one of my favorite set of lyrics. The song is basically a criticism of those who blame forces outside of themselves for all of life's misfortunes, and it promotes taking responsibility for your own destiny. It also contains one of my favorite quotes ever: "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice." This line has become something of a credo for me over the last couple of years as I've been paralyzed by anxiety and indecision. I have come to realize that it is up to me to forge my own destiny, that I am not powerless when it comes to aspects of my life that I am unhappy with.

I went on First Date # 5 on Monday. We'll call this guy Aaron. He messaged me on one of the dating websites and we got to talking back and forth. To be honest, based on his pictures I didn't really expect to be that attracted to him, but I was willing to meet up. In person I was pleasantly surprised. He was better looking in person and was a really nice guy. We talked a good long while. He is probably the most "obviously" gay compared to the other guys I've gone out with, as far as his voice goes. I actually didn't mind it though, which is good.

He texted me on Tuesday to say it was great to meet me, and to express interest in getting together again. That felt good, with the other guys it was always me sending that text, haha. I texted him back saying I'd like to meet again. Even though I didn't necessarily feel "fireworks" or anything, if I like someone enough I'm willing to give them some time and a couple of meetings to see if a spark develops (unlike some Australian individuals who shall remain nameless, hehe).  Aaron called me today to say hi and to discuss meeting sometime next week (he's out of town this weekend). It's definitely an ego boost that he likes me!

I'll also be meeting up with someone this weekend (#6). This is another that I'm not sure about, but he seems nice enough so I figure I'll give him a shot.

Coming back to the free will idea . . . all of this dating definitely makes me feel like I'm practicing my free will. I'm getting to the point where I'm finally deciding to decide. I hate feeling like a leaf in the wind. I'm ready to take control of my life.

Go with the Flow

Hey y'all,

Did quite a bit of communication by phone today.

First I called my mom, who lives out in the Midwest.
Her: "Are you calling about the tornadoes?"
Me: "What tornadoes?"
So, I hadn't checked the news yet. Apparently a series of tornadoes swept across the Midwest this morning, did a lot of damage and caused some deaths. Luckily my parents are fine.

Then, while at work, I received a text. It was from Jake! He was asking how my last improv acting class was last night. Well . . .
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Last night was fun, and a little bittersweet. But, one of my fellow students plans to open up her house to us periodically so we can continue practicing improv. In addition, after class I walked and talked with a couple friends, including 'Demetri,' the trainer friend who had apparently ditched me the other week. I had since added him on Facebook and he had sent me a friendly wall post, so I knew we were good. Honesty, he may have just not even seen me that day, I don't know. Sometimes I get a little too sensitive about how I'm perceived by others. In any case, Demetri invited me and another guy to go for a drink after class, so the three of us hung out for a while. The two of them started talking about girls and inevitably asked me whether I was dating at the moment. I just said no, not right now. No need to complicate matters, haha. I did find myself wanting to relate to them though . . . once again I could feel the doubt creep in, the wonder about whether I couldn't just make it work with a girl . . . Anyways, Demetri dropped me off at my car afterward and said to keep in touch. And I plan to. I love making new friends!
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Anyways, back to today. And no, I didn't text Jake all of that. But we did start texting back and forth for several hours, something I rarely do. At one point he said he was in between flights at the airport, so I decided to surprise him by calling him on my lunch break. Unfortunately he didn't pick up . . . turned out he was eating lunch with colleagues. But later on he called me back and we actually talked for the first time. Gotta love his accent! And he was pleased that I didn't have a feminine quality to my voice (not something he's attracted to). I couldn't talk long before I had to go back to work, but we continued texting until he had to board his flight. It'll still be another week and a half before he returns to California. That's going to be an interesting meeting . . . through all the emails, texts, and phone calls we're going to know so much about each other already, haha!

We have an interesting thing in common. I've written before about how Mike Manning's story on The Real World DC was so helpful to me. Mike is a bisexual guy who used his time in DC as his first time to really get out and explore his gay side. He's attractive, masculine, and just an all-around normal guy. Seeing him and his laid-back attitude toward sexuality definitely helped me in my journey toward coming to terms with being attracted to guys. Turns out, Jake watched that season too, and was helped in the same way!

A short while ago I talked to my youngest cousin on the phone for 2 hours. We used to have really great conversations quite often, but he's been pretty busy with work. So, it was nice to talk like old times. I opened up to him about Jake, rather apprehensively at first but then I just let it flow. I told him how I was worried that by the end of Jake's 2.5 weeks away my expectations would be so high that I would be devastated if we didn't hit it off in person. His advice: go with the flow. It's true . . . if there's one lesson to be learned from all of this, it's go with the flow. It's what I learned from Mike Manning. It's what I learned from YouTube Guy. It's what I learned from the About.com thread and my pen pal Mike. It's what I worked on improving in my improv class. Go with the flow.

 

3rd ROCK from the Sun

I just discovered all sorts of covers by Joseph Gordon Levitt on YouTube.  AWESOME!  Here's a duet between him and Zooey Deschanel (who is also awesome).  

Here's his cover of "Lithium" by Nirvana.

YouTube guy and rock and roll

Back in November I messaged a guy on YouTube whose coming-out videos I watched. He was inspired by Randy Phillips, the gay soldier who came out to his dad over the phone. This guy is a bisexual who has recently become more open to trying things with guys. He's also a neuroscience PhD student, which is the path I almost went down. Suffice it to say, I figured we had quite a bit in common so I messaged him. He was busy with lab work and went away to a conference, but he finally messaged me back last week. We traded a few messages and then last night had a good conversation on gchat. Turns out we really do have a lot in common, which is cool. We talked about neuroscience, US cities we've been to, and of course our paths toward figuring out our sexuality. From talking to him and others online its clear that I'm not the only one who suffers from analysis-paralysis due to thinking too much. It's comforting. I won't share his YouTube name since he has since taken his videos down. I definitely would like to talk to him more, he seems like a really cool guy.

The feeling of urgency to move forward with getting some experience out their in the real world hasn't gone away, I've just been busy lately with the holidays and other things. Facebook Guy's lack of responsiveness was a setback, but I probably shouldn't have put all my eggs in one basket anyway. Time to figure out how best to proceed.

Even though my email for this blog is "socalrockfan" I feel like I haven't talked much about music. I know it's not the point of the blog, but it might be nice to mix it up a little. This week I've gotten really into Breaking Benjamin. They're a rock band from Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania who have been quite popular during the last decade. Apparently they've recently broken up due to a legal dispute unfortunately. I picked up their greatest hits and have been listening to it non-stop in the car. They have a cool mix of heavy metal aggressiveness with pop accessibility and catchiness. I love music that you can both head bang and sing along to! :-) The singer, Benjamin Burnley, is pretty good looking too. Here's a link to their video for "Breath," which is one of my favorite songs of theirs. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQ3qJmgktS0 Also good is "Skin" from their first album, which is the song that got me into them in the first place. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JuCemcYJa-c By the way, what the heck is the bass player doing in that second video, haha. He's done that in a couple of the performances I've seen on YouTube, guess he likes to play low to the ground . . .

Coming up with titles is hard when I jump topics so much

I saw that fellow blogger Aek had a nifty Meyers-Briggs gadget on his page, so I thought I would get me one too. I've been a little obsessed with the Meyers-Briggs this past year as I've been all into self-analysis. As you can see, I usually test as an INFJ, at least on the short free tests on the internet. And from the multiple intelligences test you can tell I'm obsessed with music, haha.

When it comes to music, I'm still old-school. I like to buy CDs. I don't know, I just like having something physical in my hands. I like going to the store, browsing the albums, buying it, unwrapping it, and putting it in the player for the first time. I do have an iTunes account, but I mostly use it to get songs that are harder to get. My iPod is mostly used for surfing the internet and using apps :-) I don't buy music very frequently though, because I'm very cheap . . . I mean frugal. Just picked up Greatest Hits CDs of Electric Light Orchestra and The Moody Blues. Talk about old school. I dunno, not much new music does it for me anymore . . .

I'm still trying to get in contact with my Facebook acquaintance. He was busy for a while, then he went on vacation. I sent him a new message a few days ago. He seemed willing to meet up before, so hopefully he'll respond. Even though work and career planning have taken up most of my attention lately, I'm still keen to move forward on my sexuality. Having talked about it online with bloggers and in person with my three cousins, my friend, my mom, and the counselor has made it a lot easier to discuss it. Maybe my acquaintance will be able to point me in the right direction as far as next steps. So lets see . . . first comes feelings, then thoughts, then words . . . I guess all that's left is . . .

Action.

I'll get there. Eventually.

Before I go, some eye candy, just because. This is Josh Ohl.

ABCs and Job Craziness

First of all, if you live in Southern California, check out 100.3 The Sound. I've liked the station for quite a while, but they really won me over this past week with their A to Z playlist. They've been going through a catalog of more than 2000 songs, all in alphabetical order. It's like heaven for the slightly obsessive compulsive music lover in all of us. Or just me. Right now they're playing "Your Wildest Dreams" by The Moody Blues, and right before was "Your Time is Gonna Come" by Led Zeppelin. Alas . . . we're nearing the end of the Y's and I can't imagine there will be very many Z songs . . .

Anyways . . . last week was nuts. Over the weekend I moved into a new place. Monday, I was informed by my boss that I was getting laid off in two weeks. I was understandably quite flustered by this (oo, now it's "You're All I've Got Tonight" by the Cars . . . sorry, distraction).

Wednesday, I was informed of another open position at the place I work. Thursday I went to talk to talk to the person who would be my supervisor, which went well. So now I'm being offered that position. Same pay, but more responsibilities and it sounds like it will be more interesting. So what started out as an extremely bad situation actually seems like it might work out for the best.

This past weekend started out uneventful. But on Saturday my cousin from Nor Cal gave me a call and told me he would be coming down to LA . . . the next day. So I ended up hanging out with my two cousins (the other lives down here) for the holiday. We went to Magic Mountain, which was a nice break.

Now I'm in my last week at my current position, so I need to wrap things up and get ready to start my new job. All this while I still try to form the plan of my next steps. Hopefully the new job will be a smooth transition.

"You're So Vain" by Carly Simon. I knew that one was coming.

Tired

Things are pretty hectic right now. Work is busy, I'm taking a test on Saturday, I'm planning a big trip next week, and the date last Saturday is still on my mind. I have kind of decided not to pursue that girl, at least not right now. Something didn't feel right, I didn't really get the impression that she was interested in me in that way. Of course for all I know I'm way off, it's not like I have experience with this kind of thing. Anyways, maybe I'll drop her an email or something just to check in, but I think things need to relax a bit before I add one more thing to stress out about. I'm sure there will be other opportunities, I just have to be patient.

In other news, Stone Temple Pilots are getting back together!!!!! This makes me extremely happy, I never got the chance to see them before they broke up. They're playing at the Hollywood Bowl in June (not my favorite venue, but what the heck, you do what you gotta do). Good thing I just saw Velvet Revolver in December, because now they are no more and it sounds like Scott Weiland did not leave the band on the best of terms. So yay!

Can't you see this is a land of confusion

Some people think of sexuality as being black or white. You're one thing, or another. Kinsey thought that was too simplistic, and introduced the idea of it being a continuum. Two extremes, and an infinite number of possibilities between them. It occurred to me that even that idea might be too simplistic. Maybe part of my trouble is trying to place myself on a one dimensional spectrum when reality is much more complex.

Society is part of the problem. It seems that our society is obsessed with labels and definitions. I hate the term "grunge" as it is applied to early 90's rock. Most of the big "grunge" bands like Nirvana, Soundgarden, Alice in Chains, and Pearl Jam sound NOTHING alike. Each have their own unique style. However, they all became popular around the same time and largely came out of Seattle, so people felt the need to group them together and label them. Not that I'm blaming people for having this tendency. It's how we make sense of the chaotic world we live in.

As far as sexual orientation goes, the labels are obvious. Straight. Gay. Bisexual. Asexual. Makes it sound so simple when it's really not.

I feel attractions to some guys and I feel attractions to some girls, but the type of attraction is not the same. For guys the strongest attraction is visual. I find them "easy on the eyes" so to speak. Not to say that I find girls hideous. It's just that good looking guys capture my attention more. On the other hand I've had a number of crushes on girls that were emotional in nature. Sometimes there are exceptions to the trend, and I will find a girl particularly physically attractive, or I will feel emotionally connected with a guy. Lust doesn't really enter the picture for me, or at least it hasn't yet. I like how a fellow blogger (Aek from "The Masks We Wear") described how he didn't go through the stereotypical "raging hormones" phase of adolescence. Neither did I, and I think lacking this intense sexual drive made me feel abnormal, and set me off on this path of confusion, obsessed with trying to label my sexuality.

I guess the bottom line is that sexuality is a lot more complicated then most people realize. I wonder if any of that made any sense at all. Drop me a line anyone who comes across this, I'm always curious about what other people think.