Roller coaster of love

Guess I will continue the recent trend of writing a post while I'm in a relative good mood, haha. Just to mix it up from the way I usually do it.

This last week was really tough, one of the toughest in a while. Which exemplifies the roller coaster I've been on. Not tough in the sense that it was hectic or anything. Just mentally tough. I was plagued by depression and anxiety . . . the kind of anxiety that is with you the second you open your eyes in the morning. The sexuality doubts have weighed on me heavily. I have seriously been considering ways that I can get out and try going on dates with women, just to check that off the list and see how I feel. I came across a Meet Up group in LA that organizes "practice dates" for people who want to gain dating experience in a more laid back atmosphere. I'm thinking of looking at that. Once I found out about that some of my anxiety lifted. Another thing that helped was reading polls on the internet about girls and their willingness to date bi guys. There seems to be a fair number of girls out there who don't have a problem with it.

The fact that these two things (the practice dating group and the idea of dating girls not necessarily being a lost cause if you've dated guys) helped lift my mood made me realize a large part of what gets me down: lack of hope. When I feel like things are hopeless I get overwhelmed. When I go months without finding a guy that attracts me a fraction of the amount that Ben did, I get discouraged and start to peek enviously at the greener grass that is the larger heterosexual dating pool. I did a very OCD thing at the height of my worrying: I made a document in which I listed all of the prominent crushes I can remember having in my life, both girls and guys. Both totaled in the 20s, with guys having a slide edge. Then I listed the most prominent characteristics I remembered about each person, to see if one sex or the other really gave me more of an emotional feeling. Generally guys did more, especially if I factor in Lance and Ben, the only two people I can honestly say I've had feelings of love for. But some of the girls had fairly strong feelings too.

My reasoning is, since I am primarily driven by emotional attraction and not at all driven by sexual attraction, it seems like if I found the right girl I could theoretically develop strong feelings just like I did with Ben. It just seems like I would only benefit from increasing the number of prospective partners since I just don't seem all that attracted to most guys I go out with.

Also, my older cousin Gavin got engaged. His fiance, whom I still haven't met, is a fashion model that he met online. I think I partially inspired him to try online dating after my "success." I am happy for him, but I can't help but be a bit jealous.

When I felt like I was at rock bottom I opened up to my mom over the phone. She hasn't always been the most understanding when I talk about my issues, but lately she has had a lot of patience and I greatly appreciate that. She has tried to cheer me up, and instead of doing what many mothers might do and strongly encourage me to date girls, she has instead softly encouraged me to try while also cautioning me to stay true to myself. She really does want what's best for me and my happiness, even if she acknowledges it would be a lot easier for her to be open about my dating life with friends in the Midwest (gossip that she is) if I were dating girls.

As for Jared, I have been continuing to see him. He is definitely the best guy I've dated so far since Ben. He is attractive, smart, affectionate, communicative, straight-forward, and logical. But I remain on the fence with him. We've made out, and last time I saw him I went over to his place and cuddled. However, he's quite feminine, and I don't find that very attractive. Also there's just something missing. I don't have that excited feeling to see him again that I had with Ben from pretty much the very beginning. I'm wondering if I've moved too fast, since we kissed at the first date and started cuddling from the second date on.

The other major problem with Jared . . . he confided in me that he has herpes. He pegged me as the type that might shy away from dating someone who's infected. He has a lot more sexual experiences than I have. Frankly the way I feel is that if I was REALLY into a guy it might be worth the risk since with proper protection you decrease your risk of catching it. But since the other factors have me on the fence, I'm even more unsure.

For now I think I will just try to slow things down. He knows I'm not sure about proceeding, and he has expressed interest in just being friends if I am uncomfortable continuing to date him.

Meanwhile I've been corresponding with a friend of mine, the young law student whom I recently have been advising on getting through his breakup. We hung out a bit last weekend, and since then we've been talking by text every day. I had pretty much friend zoned him, and told him about EVERYTHING that's been bothering me, down to my considering going on dates with girls to broaden my options. Despite this, he has asked if I might want to go on a date sometime down the road once we have both healed more and if things don't work out with Jared or girls. I was so flattered. He is really a super sweet guy. Great sense of humor, good conversationalist, friendly and kind of cute. And I know from our conversations that we are emotionally on the same wavelength as far as our attachment styles go. So, that's on the backburner. He lives quite far away, but you never know. I'll give him a name. He shall be called Sam.

Busy three day weekend ahead. Lunch date tomorrow with a new guy that seems pretty nice. I met him on Grindr and it seems we have a lot in common. Also looks to have a pretty nice body. He cancelled on me once but has been decent about rescheduling so I don't think I have another Eric on my hands. We'll see how it goes. Then in the afternoon is a yoga class with the LGBT social group.

The improv troupe is going well. I made a tough decision this week. I'm trying to take a very impacted class at a local community college for a possible masters program I might apply to. But the scheduling came down to either the class or improv. I chose improv. I know the class may have been the better choice careerwise, but there's always next semester. And the improv troupe is the best thing that has happened to me in a while. It's an opportunity I do not wish to pass up. It has been the highlight of my week, the thing that lifts me up when I'm feeling down. I'm not in a hurry to throw it away.

Getting better

Hello all,

Just been enjoying a relaxing weekend with family. My parents are in town so I've been visiting with them, my sisters, nephews and nieces. My cousin Roger came into town to see everyone as well.

Several bits of news.

First: I actually did hear back from Eric again. He texted me Wednesday morning and even sent a pic of his dad's get well cake. Next best thing to a doctor's note, lol. He even was the one to propose getting together for a date day, such as going to the beach or something. The only downside, he put the scheduling ball back in my court by saying, "If you're ever free on a Saturday..." So much for his promise to meet me halfway this week. So I'm still a little disappointed that he's not more proactive about setting a day, but at least he does want to see me again. I'll probably text him and say I'm free next Saturday, then see what he does with that information, haha.

Tuesday I had a first date with a law student. Quite tall and a black/white mix, which seems to be a pretty cool combo :) Then again I seem to be attracted to guys of mixed ethnicity. Two of the three guys I had kissed previously were a mix (Ben and Josh). I'm not sure about Eric. Guess we can call this new guy Lawrence, because it has the word "law" in it. That's right, I'm original like that. Anyways, we had drinks and chatted. We covered some dangerous first-date topics like coming out experiences and past relationships. Intriguingly, Lawrence was engaged to a woman at one point before coming out. I managed to talk about my relationship very briefly without hinting at how much and for how long its end affected me. Anyways, the conversation was good. I feel my demeanor was nice and friendly throughout, though I may have smiled a little too much, lol. Afterward he walked me back to the structure where I parked and we parted with a kiss. Heck yeah, first kiss number four and it was nice. My first first kiss standing up, and the first done in a public place rather than in a house or a parked car.

I texted Lawrence the next day to let him know that I enjoyed meeting him, and would like to meet up again sometime. He concurred, although I didn't detect much enthusiasm (probably over thinking, it was a text after all). I said I would love to see his new kitten sometime. He responded, "Is that just your way of getting me to invite you up lol" I responded that I wasn't that sneaky, haha. Not sure if he was being flirtatious or what. He hasn't initiated contact since then. I'll probably hit him up soon. I know he's busy getting ready for classes.

Last weekend I finally joined the rest of civilized society and got a smartphone. So of course what do I do that same day . . . Download Grindr. Now before I was against using that app due to its reputation as a hookup app. However, I keep hearing stories of guys meeting their boyfriends on there (including my friend YouTube Guy), so I decided it wouldn't hurt to use it, as long as my intentions are made clear and I don't mind being propositioned once in a while.

I got into conversations with several guys. One happens to be from the state that my parents retired to. Eventually we traded numbers and we've been texting back and forth throughout the week. He went on a business trip to Texas and passed a bit of his downtime chatting with me. He also taught me how to use Emojis, the cute little colorful emoticons. He's pretty cute in his pictures and seems really nice. I'm planning to meet up with him in a few days.

Another guy from Grindr lives near where I'm staying this weekend. Once I leave my sister's house I'm planning to meet up with him. We traded Instagram info. He's really cute.

Other bit of news this week: I got into the local improv troupe. That was exciting. I posted the news on Facebook and got a lot of likes. I was happy, a mood I havent had much since January. Also on Facebook I got some comments of congrats, including from Ben. That got me thinking about him again, sigh. But this troupe will be good. It will give me something to keep my mind occupied. Something I may not have even done if I were still with him.

So, things are going pretty well right now. Nice to not be rejected for once, after being academically and personally rejected at the beginning of this year. Nice that someone recognizes the awesomeness that is Cal. Haha.

A bit of conflict and the latest news on my dating trifecta

I had dinner with Brody last night. It was the first time seeing him since mid-May. I'll admit, I was VERY apprehensive about seeing him again. I even spent most of the session with my therapist talking about how I was going to deal with him, how I was going to ask for a more casual friendship than what we had.

At first our conversation was pleasant. I told him about my latest dating exploits and the three recent guys that I have had some interest in: Nick, Josh, and Kyle. He  told me about a guy that he has started seeing. I told him about my eventful weekend, including the social group. It turns out his texting me later that day wasn't a coincidence. Our mutual friend who was at the social group gave him a nudge to convince him to reach out to me. I didn't address our issues at the dinner table because I didn't want to be stuck if things turned ugly. So, I waited to address them until after, out in the parking lot. I'm glad I did because . . . well things turned ugly.

It was partly my fault. I have realized that I am an over-sharer. I am honest to a fault. I feel better coming clean and not hiding things from people. Usually, that's a positive trait. But in this case, it made things worse. I found out a fundamental difference between Brody and I: whereas I like to tackle a problem with someone head on, talk it out and push through it, despite any awkwardness or unpleasantness, he prefers to just let things slide and leave the past in the past. Start things off with a blank slate. He also has a hard time grasping other people's perspectives. It is clear to me that even though he apologized he still thinks I overreacted to him yelling at me in the car, insulting me, and judging me. He still thinks it was insignificant, as well as all of his other rude behavior. He still thinks I"m oversensitive, and even said he told his mom that he had finally found a guy more sensitive than he is.

Anyways, I brought up my ambivalence going into the dinner because I wanted to reassure him that, because the conversation had gone well, I was feeling better about our friendship. I made the fatal error of saying that a couple people had encouraged me to cut him off. I was trying to make him feel good, by saying that I was going against those people's advice and trusting my gut. Instead, he got MAJORLY insulted. He decided that the ONLY way people would be giving me such advice would be if I gave them a very skewed idea of him, focusing only on the negative and not saying anything positive, such as talking about all the "countless" hours he had spent advising me on my breakup and gay dating. He recalled what I had said when he was trying to get me to demonize Ben. I had argued that I had only told him the negative about Ben, so of course he had a skewed idea of him. So now he was taking this and using it against me, and even implied that this is something that I enjoy, telling people negative things about other people. He wondered whether I was lashing out because I have feelings for him and was jealous that he was dating another guy. He scolded me for bringing up the "shit" again when he had already apologized. He reiterated again about how he is an optimistic guy and doesn't like to sweat the small stuff (once again minimizing my feelings). Soon I was shivering uncontrollably, and I'm still not sure whether the cold or my nervousness had more to do with it. We finished the conversation in his car (after I was about ready to take off several times). He was adamant that I was the one that had spoiled the positive energy by bringing up the shit. But I was not the one who was cussing. I was not the one who was raising my voice (well, until he provoked me enough). I was not the one who was judging. I was careful to talk about how his actions were making me feel, rather than what his characteristics were. He was the one calling me things like "oversensitive" and "negative," and commenting on my ruminating nature (I'll give him that one).

He also accused me of being wishy-washy about being friends with him, and practically demanded an ultimatum right on the spot. He wanted my commitment to the friendship right there and then. Frankly I was not in the mood to give it just like that. Eventually he realized he had made me feel cornered so he backed off a bit. I managed to dig myself out of the hole by explaining the real reasons why others had counseled me to drop him (mostly my mom, who is a bit cautious about meeting people online to begin with, and has dealt with a plethora of very sensitive, emotional people during her career)

Anyways, we finally parted ways. He suggested we go kayaking sometime. I responded we'd talk about it. I'd prefer it to be a group activity.

Ugh, I don't know what to do. If I move ahead and not talk about his past transgressions anymore we might reach some level of normalcy, but that's not going to change my feelings about him. I guess I'll just have to move forward and see if his behavior changes. He told me it's okay if I tell him I don't want to hang out as often as we were. I told him I'm going to be straight-forward with him about my needs and wants. So hopefully I won't have anymore conflict with him. I really think it is a personality mismatch, the likes of which I haven't experienced for years. He doesn't have many friends in the area though, and he always has nothing but praise for me (well, at least he did before). I'm just afraid I'm being too nice. I don't feel I really am overacting because I DON'T have conflict with most people. Anger is not something I experience much at all. Yet lately he's been able to bring it out of me with some regularity.

We'll see what happens.

In other news, I am thinking of writing off Nick. I really liked him. He's cute, funny, and we get along well. But it's been a month since I've seen him. I was giving him his space so he could focus on finals, but his tests have been over for a week now. I texted him last Wednesday to wish him good luck and again on Monday to see if he wants to hang out again now that they are over. No response, and usually he's very responsive. So, I was thinking of giving up. I don't want to come across as pushy.

BUT, it's not so simple. A friend of his is someone I met at a social group event. I was Facebook chatting with this guy, and he claims that Nick wants me to kiss him. He says that at our last date Nick wanted to kiss me but chickened out. I am horrible at making the first move, I must admit. I still don't have much experience with that, and I am still a little gunshy due to fear of getting rejected. I know I need to get over the latter. Knowing that he was interested after all makes me willing to try to do something if we were to hang out again, but that doesn't change the fact that he's unresponsive. His friend told me that he went home to visit family, but he's supposed to be back by now. And that shouldn't stand in the way of him texting me back. So, I don't know. May have missed an opportunity there. Oh well.

As for the other two members of the trifecta: Josh is interested in hanging out (and probably making out) more, but he's not being particularly aggressive in setting something up. Kyle has a lot of work travels ahead of him. I texted him today but haven't received a response.

Bleh. Hard to keep momentum going with people.

Despite all the drama I'm in a good mood tonight. I woke up still feeling all tense due to my confrontation with Brody, but tonight I got to do some improv with a new group of people, which always puts me in a good mood. I actually auditioned for a small local troupe. I kind of hope I get in. That would give me a great new activity to make friends, build confidence, and distract myself from the negative energy that certain individuals have given me this year.

The story in your eyes

Hi all,

Ben finally came back from his lengthy trip Monday. I anxiously awaited his arrival at my place Monday night, and when he finally got here it was so great to see him! We cuddled for a while in my room, then went out to get dinner. After that we went for a nighttime stroll through the area, taking some time to sit on a bench overlooking a small man-made lake. I also took another step by introducing him as my boyfriend to my roommate's friend who was over. Maybe I'll say the word louder next time, haha.

Before bed we spent some time getting intimate. Which went quite well. I'm definitely getting more comfortable with that. SOrRy for the lAck of detaiLs . . . this isn't that type of blog :-)

Over the weekend I came out to both my sisters, who live about an hour away. They were both great about it. One had actually taken notice of a picture that Ben's roommate posted on Facebook . . . it was of the two of us together during a hiking trip, Ben with his arm around my waist. YouTube guy had seen the picture and said it wasn't very subtle . . . "Your family's definitely talking," he had said. Well, he was right, it didn't go unnoticed, haha.  Whatever, now that it's out in the open I'm excited to include Ben in our get-togethers now.

I'm definitely feeling closer to Ben lately. I've even shared with him the creative writing project that I started back in 2008. It was a sci-fi/fantasy type story that I had begun writing based on an idea I'd had in my head for some time. It was just for fun, but it ended up getting rather long. I never finished it, but I came close. While he was on his trip I began sending Ben chapters over email. He sounds like he's really enjoying it! It's great to get that feedback, he's the very first person I've shared it with. Maybe he can help me figure out a suitable ending.

As far as doubts/ruminations/anxieties, I'm feeling pretty good right now. I had a bit of a spike the other day where my positive feelings about my MCAT score were undermined a bit and I started to worry about where I'd end up, but I think I have that more under control now. I'm trying to take things a step at a time.

I've brought up some of my worries with Ben. Basically, I'm considered about our long-term future, if we were to still be together a year from now and I were to only get into school far away. There's really no sense worrying about that at this point though.  No need to comment about this aspect of the entry, I know what I need to do and I really would just prefer to focus on the present right now.

Tonight was the first improv class since I came out last week. It was only mentioned once, in a somewhat joking manner by the teacher. Not too bad.

Now I'm just counting down to Friday when I get to see Ben again. We've been talking on the phone several times a day. Yep, one's just not enough anymore, haha.

I'm really liking this guy.

New skin

It's still a bit of a struggle to get comfortable in my skin with this whole gay thing. Over the last couple days I made a couple rather scary steps. First, I invited Ben to be my plus one at my 10-year high school reunion at the end of the month. I had been on the fence about whether I was ready to go with him. In the end I decided to take the plunge because a) I figured it would help with my comfort level, b) not many of the people who are going to be there are people I was that close to, so I think I'd have more fun if he's with me and c) it would be awkward to make him go do something else during that time, since he undoubtedly will be in town that weekend.

The second big step requires a bit of set-up.

I found out how I did on the MCAT yesterday. I got a 30, which is pretty much the minimum score that would be considered "competitive." Hopefully that, my high undergrad GPA, and my experiences in research since graduation will be a winning combo. Anyways, to reward myself I decided to sign up for another round of improv class. It's the same instructor as last time, and as before he is fond of going around the room and asking people about their lives, to get a sense of who they are. He often gets pretty personal, asking about dating and relationships. Last class I just kinda dodged my way through the questions, but I didn't want to be made to feel awkward this time around. Fortunately this time a guy who went before me was gay himself, and the instructor asked him a lot about his coming out process. That made me feel emboldened, since I wouldn't be the token gay guy in the class, so when it came to be my turn I spilled my guts. I talked about how taking the improv classes had improved my confidence and allowed me to start dating, and how the person I was dating was a guy. That led to a running joke where the next person was always asked "So, when did you come out?" It was cool, everyone was supportive. Only one person in the class was someone I already knew, and I think he was a bit surprised by the revelation. I also revealed to them that this was the very first time I had come out to a group . . . always before it had been in one-on-one settings.

I'm hoping that the more I come out the more I'll feel comfortable identifying as gay. Because I really don't know what other way this is going to go. I can't make myself feel any more gay, but I can't make myself be more attracted to girls either. I just wish sooo much that I had a stronger sex drive! Ben and I have done things a couple times, yes, and it was enjoyable, but I just don't experience the desire to have sex like other people do. It allows my ever-questioning mind to constantly cast doubt on my feelings, even when it seems the evidence is solid. Ben being out of town for so long doesn't help. I really want him to come back, because being with him is really the only thing that's going to make this feeling go away. Being with him takes me out of my head, out of my doubt, and allows me to enjoy the moment.

I spoke to YouTube guy a couple days ago. I feel like I can relate to him more than just about anyone, since he he's also an over-thinker and has experienced confusion about which way to go as well. However, he's currently in a pretty serious relationship with a guy he's been seeing for 3 months, and it sounds like he's pretty happy. He definitely sounds less conflicted than before. Maybe I'll try to follow his lead. He also mentioned the possibility of coming to CA with his BF at some point, which would be awesome. Double date anyone?

I just went and took down my Match.com profile (well, I made it invisible until the subscription runs out). I noticed that Ben still has his profile, with last activity two weeks ago. I hope he's not still looking! Haha, uh oh, careful there, can't become the jealous type.

Go with the Flow

Hey y'all,

Did quite a bit of communication by phone today.

First I called my mom, who lives out in the Midwest.
Her: "Are you calling about the tornadoes?"
Me: "What tornadoes?"
So, I hadn't checked the news yet. Apparently a series of tornadoes swept across the Midwest this morning, did a lot of damage and caused some deaths. Luckily my parents are fine.

Then, while at work, I received a text. It was from Jake! He was asking how my last improv acting class was last night. Well . . .
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Last night was fun, and a little bittersweet. But, one of my fellow students plans to open up her house to us periodically so we can continue practicing improv. In addition, after class I walked and talked with a couple friends, including 'Demetri,' the trainer friend who had apparently ditched me the other week. I had since added him on Facebook and he had sent me a friendly wall post, so I knew we were good. Honesty, he may have just not even seen me that day, I don't know. Sometimes I get a little too sensitive about how I'm perceived by others. In any case, Demetri invited me and another guy to go for a drink after class, so the three of us hung out for a while. The two of them started talking about girls and inevitably asked me whether I was dating at the moment. I just said no, not right now. No need to complicate matters, haha. I did find myself wanting to relate to them though . . . once again I could feel the doubt creep in, the wonder about whether I couldn't just make it work with a girl . . . Anyways, Demetri dropped me off at my car afterward and said to keep in touch. And I plan to. I love making new friends!
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Anyways, back to today. And no, I didn't text Jake all of that. But we did start texting back and forth for several hours, something I rarely do. At one point he said he was in between flights at the airport, so I decided to surprise him by calling him on my lunch break. Unfortunately he didn't pick up . . . turned out he was eating lunch with colleagues. But later on he called me back and we actually talked for the first time. Gotta love his accent! And he was pleased that I didn't have a feminine quality to my voice (not something he's attracted to). I couldn't talk long before I had to go back to work, but we continued texting until he had to board his flight. It'll still be another week and a half before he returns to California. That's going to be an interesting meeting . . . through all the emails, texts, and phone calls we're going to know so much about each other already, haha!

We have an interesting thing in common. I've written before about how Mike Manning's story on The Real World DC was so helpful to me. Mike is a bisexual guy who used his time in DC as his first time to really get out and explore his gay side. He's attractive, masculine, and just an all-around normal guy. Seeing him and his laid-back attitude toward sexuality definitely helped me in my journey toward coming to terms with being attracted to guys. Turns out, Jake watched that season too, and was helped in the same way!

A short while ago I talked to my youngest cousin on the phone for 2 hours. We used to have really great conversations quite often, but he's been pretty busy with work. So, it was nice to talk like old times. I opened up to him about Jake, rather apprehensively at first but then I just let it flow. I told him how I was worried that by the end of Jake's 2.5 weeks away my expectations would be so high that I would be devastated if we didn't hit it off in person. His advice: go with the flow. It's true . . . if there's one lesson to be learned from all of this, it's go with the flow. It's what I learned from Mike Manning. It's what I learned from YouTube Guy. It's what I learned from the About.com thread and my pen pal Mike. It's what I worked on improving in my improv class. Go with the flow.

 

The latest from acting class and a guy named "Jake"

Next week is the last of my improv classes for this session. I didn't find this session quite as enjoyable as the first . . . we didn't get to do quite as much. But, it was still helpful. And I really love the other students. I love the diversity of ages, professions . . . it's a really cool and fun group. I had a little bit of a disappointment today though . . . There's a guy in the class who's about my age. He's a really nice guy and extremely buff (he's a personal trainer). From his appearance you wouldn't think it, but he's actually quite an introvert. We went to the same school for undergrad and we're both at stages in our lives where we're evaluating what we want the rest of our lives to look like. Consequently we had some good conversations after a couple classes. Since we park in the same location, we made it a point a couple times to walk back together so we can chat. Tonight he didn't wait . . . he knew I was coming out right behind him and he left anyway . . . Now there could be a million simple reasons for that. Maybe he had somewhere he needed to be. Maybe he has other things on his mind (hard to tell with him, he doesn't participate much in class and his shy nature makes him somewhat mysterious). Whatever the case may be, it definitely elicited a bit of an emotional response from me. Why should I take such a thing personally? And show of hands . . . how many would take this reaction as a sign of gayness, just wondering :-)

I also had a nice thing happen though. The person I DID talk to after class was an older guy, a lawyer probably in his late fifties/early sixties. He's really into acting and writing. He complemented me on my performance in one of the improv activities, said I had a good mind for it and asked if I'd ever been into writing or if I was planning to continue with acting. I do plan to continue with improv at least, in some capacity. Maybe take another class in the summer or try out for a local troupe or something. Or maybe just join a club when I continue my education. In any case, it was nice to be complemented. I realize that I seem to have a hard time recognizing when I'm good at something unless someone else tells me I am.  That's what being overly modest and self-critical does to you, I guess.

I've been corresponding further with the Aussie Guy. Let's give him a name, how about Jake, that sounds like an Australian name, haha.  He seems really cool, I like him!  Now, in his latest email he asked me the dreaded question . . . "how long have you been out?" That's kind of my fault, I had asked him a question based on something he said in a previous email, and it kind of led to him asking me this. I'll tell him the truth, and I don't expect he'll have a problem with it since he came out relatively recently himself. Basically, I'm as good as out to my three cousins, my mom, and my friend (Janice). I'm on the verge of telling at least two other friends. If I actually find a guy I like and start dating him, there's nothing stopping me from going further other than nerves. And I know you all will help me with that problem, won't you? Encouraging energy, everyone.  :-)

It's called Acting

I'm still really enjoying my improv acting class, though it is nearing its end. Yesterday I had kind of an awkward moment. When we were sharing stories about our week at the beginning of class, somehow the conversation shifted to LGBT issues. At one point, the teacher somewhat jokingly asked for a show of hands: "Has anyone ever questioned their sexuality?"

Me to myself: "Umm . . . right here . . ."

Later on, I was playing a teenage guy who was at a party, in a room alone with a girl who liked him. One of the rules of improv is "Yes and," meaning you have to go along with whatever information the other actors introduce to the scene. Wouldn't you know that one of the other people in the scene decided to endow my character with being gay. No big deal . . . I just played it like I felt really awkward being alone with the girl, and much preferred to go seek out my football player friend. But later the teacher questioned why I didn't camp it up a bit, throw in a little "fabulous" or something. I muttered to the person next to me, "Because I didn't want to be a stereotype." She agreed, but the teacher heard me. He said that sometimes in improv you want to make use of stereotypes, I guess to make the scene more interesting.

However, another thing he said during class is that whenever possible you should bring things into a scene from your own life. Being a closeted, masculine-acting guy who would be a little awkward around a girl who wanted to jump his bones? Why, I can do that!

I'm thinking the teacher is a bit old-fashioned. Personally, I'm not a fan of stereotypical portrayals of gay people. I find it much more interesting when you have a character like Max on "Happy Endings," someone who doesn't fit the stereotypical mold. Of course, some gay guys do exhibit more feminine or flamboyant traits in real life, so I'm not saying such characters should be eliminated. I just prefer a balance. For every Jack, there should be a Will. For every Kurt, there should be a Blaine. It seems that this is the current trend, which is nice.

Yes, and . . .

I love improv.  I first discovered it on "Whose Line is it Anyway?" back in high school, but other than making my cousins play improv games with me a couple times I never really viewed it as a thing to seriously (or even casually) pursue myself.  What can I say, I had some self-confidence issues through high school and college.  Now I'm finding my confidence building and have become a lot more open to trying new things and putting myself out of my comfort zone.  To foster this further, I have now signed up for my second improv acting class.  I took the first one last spring and had an absolute blast.  I was still in the middle of my . . . "rough period", so the night I had class became the bright spot of the week.  At the end of the first class session I was feeling downright euphoric, I'd had so much fun.  It was basically 8 weeks of Whose Line is it Anyway games, and I thought my level of confidence and my ability compared favorably to the other students.  There was even a guy in the class that I thought was really cute (not really a word I favor to describe guys very often, but he was).  I always enjoyed doing scenes with him, especially the long form improv where we played brothers in a soap opera (I was killed off by the end, haha).

So tonight was my first class of the new session.  It's still the beginning one, but it's a different teacher and is starting off with more students (the last one tapered down from 10 to 4 by the last day, so hopefully these people will stick around).  Fairly light on the eye candy.  There's one extremely tall (I think he said 6'9"??) frat-boy looking guy who's pretty hot, and a young looking female law student who's quite cute.  It's a good mix of young people in their 20s and people in their 40s, 50s and even 60s.  The teacher's style is way different from the last class.  The last teacher was very laid back, whereas this guy is much more of a put you on the spot kind of guy.  The emphasis tonight was not on theater games but rather on some high-pressure warm up activities (most of which involved thinking of words quickly).  So, it might not be quite as straight-up fun as the last one, but I think it will be very helpful in getting me out of my head and getting me to cut down on second-guessing myself and worrying about what others think of me.

There was one awkward moment.  This teacher is fond of making fun of you when you screw up or say something weird.  Not in a mean way, though, so it doesn't bother me too much (but it REALLY would have when I was little and more sensitive).  The activity was just a getting-to-know-everyone icebreaker where each of us took turns talking about ourselves.  He asked pretty much everyone about their relationship status, very curious about who was married, divorced, dating, single, etc.  When I told him I was single that wasn't enough.  He started to make a big thing of it, asking me why.  "Don't you date?"  I couldn't very well fall back on the old "I'm focusing on academics" answer, since . . . well, I've been out of college for almost 5 years now (holy crap).  So I just kind of laughed and tried to change the subject.  Then he called me out on changing the subject.  Argh.  I know he had no way of knowing what a sore spot that is for me, so I don't really blame him.  I just wish I could have handled it better instead of making it so obvious that he had struck a nerve.  Oh well, I'm looking forward to the rest of the class, it'll be interesting to see how it goes.  Hopefully I'll get better at playing it cool.

Oh, and the title of this entry is in reference to a thing they commonly teach you in improv.  When you're doing a scene with someone, you always want to respond to a colleague's suggestions with a "Yes, and . . ." attitude.  If you deny anything they try to add to the scene ("No, I'm not a life guard, I'm a police officer!) then you will kill the flow and make things awkward.