Against all odds

The slog continues. Ben's best friend and his husband (yep, a gay married couple, you would think Ben would have consulted them about his gay relationship troubles, but nope) had sent me a Christmas gift (so thoughtful!!), so I sent a Facebook message to thank them and wish them well. Surprisingly, Ben's friend didn't already know about the breakup. Well, he does now. You're welcome, Ben. One less awkward conversation you need to have. Don't worry, I didn't say anything judgmental, I just acknowledged that it's over and we hope to still be friends. I definitely have some things to work through first, though.

I can't help but ruminate about the relationship to try to figure out what made Ben fall out of love with me. Memories flood back of Ben calling me "a treasure" as we lay cuddled on his bed, of Ben's best friend messaging me and saying Ben was "so happy," of Ben saying in an online chat how I was so good to him and how he wanted to kiss me and hold my face. Impressive act he put on for someone with whom he supposedly had no chemistry. Yeah, I know I'm bitter about that whole "no chemistry" thing. Well, I think part of the problem was I had a different understanding of the word. To me, "chemistry" is when two people get along swimmingly, when they have a bunch of common interests and never run out of things to talk about, when they can make each other laugh and are comfortable around each other. To me that describes Ben and I quite accurately, so of course I was offended when Ben suggested he didn't feel it from the beginning. But I guess he was using the word more in the sense of a romantic "spark" (and you all know how I hate that word). That elusive spark is hard to ignite, and even harder to keep burning. The latter is where I fear I failed. I'm afraid I got lazy . . . complacent. Possible moments of guilt jump out of my memory like angry wasps from a burning nest. How poetic of me.

Let's see what Dictionary.com has to say about chemistry:

chem·is·try

  [kem-uh-stree]

noun, plural chem·is·tries.

1.

the science that deals with the composition and properties of substances and various elementary forms of matter. Compare element (  def 2 ) .

2.

chemical properties, reactions, phenomena, etc.: the chemistry of carbon.

3.

the interaction of one personality with another: The chemistry between him and his boss was all wrong.

4.

sympathetic understanding; rapport: the astonishing chemistry between the actors.

5.

any or all of the elements that make up something: the chemistry of love.

My understanding of chemistry between two people is usually a mixture of 3 and 4 above. But Ben must have been talking about # 5.

I guess I'm kind of feeling like its "me against all odds" right now. It takes me years to finally admit and accept my attractions to guys and start dating despite doubts about my sex drive, I find a guy that surpasses my expectations in every way, and he doesn't want me (or more like he doesn't want me, then he does, then he doesn't again). It takes me years to finally work up the interest, courage and self-confidence to apply to med school, and no school accepts me. And at the same time, I feel guilty for complaining about any of this, because I'm fortunate in so many ways its not even funny (that's the beauty of a blog, you can be as bitter as you wanna be).

I went browsing on OkCupid and Match, but it's waaaay too soon to do that without pain. I can't help but compare everyone to Ben. They don't fare very well. It is worrisome to me that I don't find many of the guys on there appealing. I ran into the same issue a year ago. One reason why Ben stood out so much. The old sex drive concerns are resurfacing again too. I felt really fortunate to find someone for whom my low drive was not an issue (allegedly at least . . . maybe it was?).

Not to say he's perfect (obviously, haha). But his imperfections just made him more attractive in my eyes (guess that's what love will do). Yeah, I said it to him many times but I'll finally declare it on this blog. I loved that guy!

Oh well. I'd better learn to unlove him real fast if a friendship is ever going to work. I've experienced a friendship with unrequited feelings before, and it was definitely an emotional strain. I spoke about it once or twice in this blog, but don't make me go look, haha. I'm friends with that guy now, but the feelings are long gone. Mostly because I learned the guy was a massive flake.

Hmm, there's an idea. What do you think? Should I focus on Ben's negative attributes (hasty decision-making, perhaps? ) in order to get over him and allow us to continue on as friends? I don't want to demonize him, of course. That would be quite counter-productive. I just want to emphasize his flaws so he does not seem like quite such an attractive partner. Because right now all I can think of him as is the most generous, optimistic, caring, friendly person I have ever known.

I'm a sap.

Catharsis

His response

Ben responded to my email.

He (implicitly) declined the opportunity to meet in person to talk more, as I expected he would. He did read and consider all of my points, and clarified his position. He apologized for how quickly this happened on my end of things, but stated that the absence of romantic feelings on his part was no place to build a lasting relationship from. I suppose it's more than just butterflies he's looking for.

He reiterated how much he gained from our relationship, what an amazing person I am, and how he'd like to be friends if it is possible. He wished me luck in finding someone who can reciprocate my feelings.

Well, I feel a little bit more at peace now. Even though it wasn't in person, we are leaving things on a bit better terms than before. I am saddened and frustrated that my great success of winning Ben over was ultimately illusory, but there's nothing I nor he can do about that. As perfect as he seemed for me, that perfection was also illusory because a crucial element was missing below the surface, like a house with a weak foundation (to borrow a metaphor from him).

Also, thanks to TwoLives for that comment in the last entry. I do know that Ben's mind is totally made up. While I do hope that with time he realizes what a good thing he gave up, I also know not to hold my breath.

Que sera, sera.

Somebody that I used to know

The post-relationship gloom continues. My mom flew into town yesterday, so I was able to talk to her in person about my woes. She agrees with me that Ben's actions don't make much sense. She feels that what we had is what really matters in the long run. Her and my dad don't have much in common, and she questions whether she would make the same choice if given the chance. Meanwhile, my sister has spent years chasing after excitement and passion, passing up perfectly good, compatible guys, and now is in yet another failing relationship.

Not to say that chemistry and passion are not important. I just think what we had was special and rare enough to put a little more work into it. Heck, back in June I wrote an entry describing something very similar to what Ben was feeling. I felt that his feelings were stronger than mine, and I felt guilty about it. True, I did also write that my doubts tended to subside in his presence, which might not be true for him . . . but still, I got over it. and my feelings grew stronger.

The part that bothers me the most? It was a four day turn around between Ben telling me about his problems and him breaking it off. Especially because he said during the first conversation that he wanted to try to make things work. That he would "love" for things to work out. He said that now that everything was out in the open, we could see how things went. I don't know what changed his mind (or more likely, who . . . he has openly admitted to being easily swayed by the opinions and ideas of others), but it saddens me deeply that he didn't feel our relationship was worth a little mutual effort. Relationships take effort after all!

I just can't believe that you can be with someone for 8+ months and then break things off so suddenly. Why didn't he tell me about his issues sooner? Why did he lead me on, telling me he was doing fine in the relationship every time I asked? Why was he the first one to say "I love you" if we supposedly didn't have any "chemistry"?

It is a risk being so candid here now that Ben knows the URL for my blog. Perhaps it was a bit too impulsive of me to share it with him. However, I figure if he reads this it means he at least cares a little bit.

Bringin' on the heartbreak

Thursday night Ben gave me the talk. He broke up with me. I'm not letting him go just yet. I sent him an email just now explaining my side. I hope he takes it to heart and reads it with an open mind. I also shared this blog with him, including some posts I wanted him to read. Who knows, maybe he will read this entry.

Basically, he feels the chemistry is lacking between us. Back at the third date he apparently didn't feel chemistry (what the heck was I feeling then?) After the month in the friend zone his feelings changed, but I guess over the course of the relationship they waned again. He says we look good "on paper" and we're super compatible, but he just doesn't feel the "spark." (Goddamn that spark! Bane of my existence.) In the email I argued that what we have is rare and special, and that I feel he jumped the gun by breaking things off less than a week after he first informed me of this. Relationships take work after all. I feel he has unrealistic expectations (he wants to feel butterflies, etc). So basically he's throwing away a perfectly good, healthy relationship to go chase butterflies. Meanwhile, what we had is what truly lasting, fulfilling, long-term relationships are made of. 

On the way home from work last night I started sobbing uncontrollably. It happened again later that night. I haven't cried like that since I was a kid. I'm in that infamous place where everything reminds me of Ben. One glance at the framed picture of us in my room (that he got me for my birthday) and I was bawling like a baby.

I love his company so much, that in some twisted way I actually enjoyed the break up conversation . . . just because I was in his presence. And he was so considerate during it. At one point I said, "You probably don't want to talk about this anymore." His reply: "We can talk about this as long as you want." 

He said he wants to be friends, if that's okay. And of course I would like that. The thought of having him completely gone from my life is not pleasant. I just hope that I'll be strong enough when it comes to that. 

  

Asymmetry

"Ben and I have passed the eight month mark and things are better than ever." Wow, I feel like a total fool. Let me explain . . .

Last night Ben and his good friend went out with me, some of my friends, and a bunch of others to a theater performance. Ben had to hurry back after work, got stuck in traffic, and had very little time to eat before we left. They wouldn't let anyone in after 8, so it was a bit of a rush to get there on time. He got us there, but I noticed he seemed a bit nonchalant about the time crunch when we were getting ready to go, and his roommate and I practically had to drag him out the door because he wanted to finish cleaning up the dishes.

After the show I wanted to continue on to the restaurant that my friends were going to, but Ben was kind of tired. He suggested I could come back home with him and drive out in my own car to hang out, but I didn't really want to hang out with a bunch of friends and their significant others without mine present. I persuaded him to go at least for a bit, and his friend came too. We ended up having a good time, and after we left he went right to bed (he had work again this morning).

This morning he came back from his work assignment and we talked on the bed. I asked him what had been on his mind last night, just wanting to clarify what exactly had been wrong. Unexpectedly, what he had to say had less to do with last night and more with the relationship as a whole. He said that he feels I am more emotionally invested in the relationship than he is, and he's been feeling guilty about it recently. A couple days ago I did kind of pour my heart out to him about how lucky I felt to have him, and how I talk so positively about him on my blog. I have noticed he doesn't really spontaneously compliment me very much, but at this point I was just chalking it up to the way he is. As you know if you read this blog, there has long been a bit of a discrepancy in the amount of affection we show each other, with me showing much more to him. A while ago he claimed that was just the way he is, that it wasn't me, so I haven't worried about it excessively since then. This new revelation, however, has me reevaluating my entire perception. After our talk he had to leave for another work assignment, so I've just been at his house, ruminating.

He said he wants to give continuing the relationship a go to see how we do now that this is out in the open. I am conflicted about this. On the one hand, I like him so much and would of course like to stay with him. It concerns me, though, that his heart isn't fully in it. He says that we make a lot of intellectual sense. We are compatible in so many ways, some ways that seem pretty special. But I know that a romantic relationship cannot exist solely on what makes intellectual sense. He said he feels I deserve someone who can be as emotionally invested as I am. But I don't want him to break it off based on what he feels I deserve. I want him to break it off only if he feels its right for him.

So, I'm kind of at a fork in the road right now. Everything that seemed so good has just been flipped on its head. Ben's a great person, he makes me happy, and we both enjoy each other's company. However, I just don't see how he's magically going to develop more intense feelings for me if we just continue as we are (especially now that my old insecurities have come back with a vengeance). So part of me wonders whether I shouldn't just break it off now . . . if that's where it's going to end up eventually anyway. Is there any coming back from something like this? I thought I had won him over, but now I feel we're back to "boat without a rudder" (see our third date back in March if that doesn't ring a bell).

Lately I've been feeling so lucky to have someone so compatible intellectually, temperamentally, sexually . . . with similar values and interests. Someone I find attractive, I enjoy being with and talking to. Someone who gets along great with all of my family and friends. But without this intangible emotional investment, what good is any of that?

Now, he is still on the cusp of a major career transition and is still on shaky financial ground, so perhaps the associated stress has something to do with it. I don't know.

New friends

Another weekend almost over. Ben came down to my neck of the woods this time. I do wish we lived closer, but it's nice having weekends be so extra special.

Friday night we had dinner with my friend Tom. I love how well Ben gets along with my friends (and family for that matter). Afterward we went to a bakery and got a bunch of different flavors of macarons. They were very tasty.

Saturday we met up with a guy that I had been corresponding with for a couple months via email. He had messaged me on OKCupid, looking for new friends. He is in a long term relationship, so I figured it would be cool to meet him. The three of us had a great time. We had lunch at a really good little hole in the wall deli that Ben looked up on Yelp. Then we went out to fly Ben's aerobic kite at the park (unfortunately not enough wind). After that, our new friend's boyfriend got off of work so all four of us went to get frozen yogurt. They are really nice and friendly. It feels great to have another gay couple in the area as friends. Next time Ben is down in this area, our friend has invited us over so he can cook.

The rest of the weekend was pretty lazy. I dusted off the old Nintendo 64 so Ben and I could play Mario Kart. We also played Mario Party (brought back memories, haha) and today we turned to the Xbox 360 to play Left 4 Dead (a first-person zombie shooter game). Ben isn't much of a video game player, so I greatly appreciated playing games with him.

We also video chatted with Ben's teenage cousin and uncle today. This was my first time "meeting" them. They live on the east coast, and have offered us a place to stay whenever we visit the area.

Overall it was a great weekend. Ben and I have passed the eight month mark and things are better than ever. We had an amazing time just talking and joking. I feel so blessed to have him, and to have our families (for the most part) be so supportive of our relationship. Our new friends don't have it quite as lucky with their families, which I think is a huge shame.

Anyways, things are mostly good. Now once the two of us can get our careers in order we'll be right as rain.

Hurray for the world not ending!

Hey all! Glad we all survived the Mayan Apocalypse. The holidays are over. I'm at Ben's right now, typing out this entry on my shiny new IPad mini. I like it a lot, I'm pretty much glued to it, haha. Any recommendations for cool apps?

The downside of the holidays is that I had to spend two weeks apart from Ben. He went to visit his family on the east coast while my parents drove over from the Midwest to visit our family here on the west coast. I talked to Ben every day and video chatted several times. He also got to video chat with my family members, including my parents, cousins, uncle and aunt. The trip was fun, and relaxing. Work has been crazy hectic since I've been back, though. And I've been stressing about applications. They're not going so well. I may need to try again, which wouldn't be so bad if I didn't feel my twenties dwindling. My cousin just turned 30 on Christmas Day, which is pretty crazy to think about.

Reuniting with Ben on Friday night was great. Yesterday he finally got to meet a couple of my best friends whom he hadn't met yet. They are brothers, and I have known them since I was six years old. They are also Mormon, so it took me a while to tell them about Ben for fear of how they would react. However, they are totally cool with it, and they got along great with Ben. We went to the beach and flew a kite (something I hadn't done since I was a kid). It was a special fitness kite that Ben got for Christmas. Afterward we saw "Django Unchained." Overall a very fun day.

I had an interesting experience during the night. Around midnight I woke abruptly to Ben leaping out of bed and running out of his room. I was very confused, and thought I detected the ground shaking. I had no idea what was going on. I thought it was an earthquake, and Ben had just ditched me and run away. I lay in bed dumbstruck and a little frightened. After several moments, Ben returned. He asked me, "What just happened? I woke up in the hallway." It turns out it was a night terror. Ben has a history of sleepwalking, but this was the first time I experienced it firsthand. As for the shaking, I could not find any reports of an earthquake at that time. Perhaps I was disoriented, or the bed was shaking from Ben's sudden departure. Also, Ben's housemate told us this morning that she heard Ben scream. Anyways, now that I've experienced Ben having a night terror I'll know what to expect if it happens again.

Until next time!