Still around, and all over the place

Hey y'all,

It's been a while. I've been going through another stressful period as I've been struggling (again) to come to a decision. It's approaching the time when I need to apply to the teaching credential programs if it's what I want to do. I talked to a guy that I've known since elementary school a little while ago. He's in his first year as a teacher at a school in the district we went through, and he's loving it. He told me about his experiences in his credential program, and how he was placed in a pretty tough school with difficult students. He did really well and enjoyed it. I'm not sure I'd be the same way in such difficult circumstances, and I guess that's the major source of my apprehension. What if I couldn't get a job in a good school? What if I'm not good at classroom management? Teaching seems to be a very polarizing profession (some love it, some hate it). What if I end up on the wrong side of the divide?

There's some things that appeal to me about teaching at that level, though. I like the idea of being the first (and possibly only) person to introduce kids to various science concepts. I like the idea of trying to improve science literacy, even in people who won't go on to take another science class in their life. I like the idea of possibly being the one to first interest someone in science. In response to Aek's comment at the end of the last entry: yeah, teaching undergrads has it's definite benefits. More depth, for one. And I was always saying before, I'd rather teach people who actually want to be there. But the reality is, the university level job market is so ridiculously saturated that the chances of getting a faculty position are extremely small. And even if you're one of the lucky ones, you have to be willing to pack up and move wherever. I'm realizing that it's important to me to be able to live near my friends and family (at least those that don't move away themselves, cough, Mom and Dad, cough), and that's okay.

Though I am still worried that high school teaching will prove too stressful for me, I've talked to enough people that love it to be encouraged. And I know that if I didn't like it, it's not the end of the world. I'll just try something else. I admit, in the past week my mind has been all over the place. Doing the PhD after all (no, I haven't turned them down yet, argh), doing something in health care like optometry, applying to a different field for grad school like clinical psychology, becoming a school psychologist, all of these things have gone through my mind. This has gone on far too long. I just need to PICK something and live with the consequences of my choice, hoping for the best. If it doesn't work out, then I'll take it from there. Being in this state of mind is not good. I admit, on the morning of the CBEST test (for teaching credential), part of me was hoping my car would break down so I'd miss the test and be forced to wait another year, thus giving me more time to think. It's always more time that I want. More time. Oh, if I only had more time, I could look into this career, or that career! I've read my career books and taken personality assessments, trying to get something other than myself to make the decision for me (I'm a Myers-Briggs INFJ, by the way, at least I think so). Maybe I should change the title of my blog to "Introspection Only Gets You So Far" since it seems to be becoming a recurring theme.

Phew, venting done. So even though my mind has been in many directions lately, currently I'm planning on going through with the teaching thing. It seems to be most in line with what I value (science, education, family).

Following up

Thanks guys for your comments on the last entry. I was second guessing myself after posting that but decided it was how I felt, so it needed to be said. It's pretty crazy how one's mindset can change. Some days I am almost to the point of declaring myself gay, other days (like the last couple) the doubts come back and paralyze me. It doesn't make it easier that I'm going back and forth between dealing with this and my career issue. The difference there: that issue I can actually openly talk to people about. I spoke to some coworkers today about my high school teaching idea, and the lingering doubts about whether turning away from academia was the right move. They agreed with my assessment: it's more important to do what you WANT than what you think you "should" do when it comes to choosing your career. The time pressure on that one is more intense though. I've signed up to take the CBEST in December. I'll need to ask for letters of rec very soon. So it looks like time might just make that decision for me, haha.

Anyways, it's all a work in progress.

Frustrations

I am extremely frustrated. I just wish I could experience "sexual attraction" the way that (nearly) everyone else does. I can look at a guy and think, "He's hot." Or I can talk to a girl and think, "She's nice." But there's hardly any sexual feelings, ever. What does sexual attraction even feel like? How would you describe it? If I only had more intense feelings I would have been able to define my sexuality a long time ago. Perhaps it would have been strong enough for me to identify as "gay." I feel that my conservative nature requires quite a large amount of justification before I do that, though, and without intense sexual feelings I don't see myself reaching that threshold of justification. Which leaves me trapped in this purgatory . . . not straight enough to date girls, not gay enough to date guys. I know I'm just going to have to choose, even if it doesn't feel perfect in the end. Yep, maybe for people like me it really is a choice, in the end. I don't have my libido telling me what to do, so it's all up to my head.

You might be thinking, "But B, in the last entry you posted pictures of Taylor Kinney and talked about how hot he is!" Yeah, I did. He is hot. But do I want to have sex with him? Can't say. He's easy on the eyes, that's all I know. Is that enough to go on?

Anyways, I just needed to vent. I know I've been struggling with this question for a long time. Why is it so hard to figure out? I think like with anything it's hard to imagine unless you've experienced it. My cousin didn't even realize intensity of sexual attraction was something that varied between people until I told him about my issue.

Another frustrating incident: I had a conversation with a friend of mine earlier. He's a bit eccentric and socially awkward. He can come across as arrogant and egocentric at times. But he's a loyal friend and a nice guy, so I've been friends with him for quite some time now. Several times he's mentioned this guy in his class, who is apparently gay. Each time he has referred to the guy as "he/she." I let it slide the first couple times, but tonight I had had enough and corrected him. We argued for several minutes, and I was shocked at how reluctant he was to refer to the guy as "he." He tried "they," hoping that would be some kind of compromise that I would accept, but I didn't. I told him that just because a guy is attracted to guys doesn't make him any less of a man. I argued that since gay guys are attracted to each other, by his reasoning that would make them essentially two women. So is he saying that gay men are like lesbians? He's stubborn, but he finally acknowledged that there are different types of gay men, some more feminine than others. We ended with an "agree to disagree." I warned him that thinking of gay men as "women in all but body" was a position that would be very offensive to a lot of people. Hopefully he learned something.

Werewolves > Vampires

I very nearly became a viewer of "The Vampire Diaries." Not only does it star Ian Somerholder, who was part of the main cast of "Lost" (but for only the first season), but it also features a plethora of other very good looking individuals. Tops was this guy. His name is Taylor Kinney, and IMHO he takes over the "Hottest Guy Named Taylor Who Portrays a Werewolf" title. But, apparently they killed off his character recently. Phew, dodged a bullet there. It's already embarrassing enough that with "24" and "Lost" over with, the only shows I watch are on the CW ("Smallville" and "Supernatural" -- both good for eye candy as well).

Signs from the past, and politics

Recently I remembered a thought that had entered my mind a long time ago, I think back in high school. I had dismissed it at the time, though apparently it has been living somewhere in my memory since. I had the image of a guy with big, strong arms embracing his girlfriend. I don't remember exactly, but the sentiment that flashed through my mind was basically, Damn, too bad I'll never get to experience that, meaning being in the girl's position. Note that I had no desire to actually be a girl, and never have. But the thought of the closeness with the guy appealed to me in some way.

Another clue: there was a nickel arcade in the city where I grew up. My favorite game there: Altered Beast. It's a pretty stupid, repetitive, and frustrating game. But I loved playing it. Why? Well, you start off as a guy who has been summoned from his grave to rescue Zeus's daughter. Periodically you'll get attacked by these two-headed wolf things. If you kill a white one, it leaves behind a floating orb that increases your strength if you grab it. This is accompanied by the hero losing his shirt and getting a dramatic increase in muscularity. Another orb increases his musculature to ridiculous proportions (especially considering his head stays the same size throughout). Only after you get the third orb does your character transform into a beast (werewolf, dragon, weretiger, etc.) The idea of the hero being transformed into this buff hulk captured by interest. At the end of every level you would lose your powers, so you could go through the transformations again in the next one. Suffice it to say, this game has been ridiculed as being homoerotic. There's even a Facebook group I found called "Altered Beast made me gay!"

Evidence for the other side . . .

Well, other than the girls that I've had crushes on over the years (pretty much exclusively emotion-based), I can't really think of any instances. If I remember anything I'll be sure to post it.

Sooo . . .

In other news, apparently three judges who played a role in gay marriage being legalized in Iowa have failed to be reelected. Apparently a bunch of "family groups" got together and campaigned against them. I still fail to see how gay people marrying affects straight families. Or how a vote against gay marriage would be considered "pro-family." I can't stand it when groups use language to obscure instead of clarify. If you're against abortion, you're "pro-life." If you're for abortion, you're "pro-choice." Supporters of CA Prop 23 called it the "California Jobs Initiative." Opponents called it the "Dirty Energy Proposition." And any judge who makes a decision that a particular partisan group doesn't agree with is labelled an "activist judge."

I talked to my dad on the phone today and actually had a pretty calm political discussion with him. I asked him about his reaction to the election results. To convey where he stands on the spectrum, I'll just say that he attended two tea party rallies in a single week. He said that he's really disappointed that California elected Jerry Brown and Barbara Boxer. He considers them the worst thing for the state and feels they'll drag the economy down even further with spending. However, I've found some articles online that argue that the economy actually improves during Democratic administrations, and that government spending is actually good for the economy. I'm no economist, but it definitely seems that it's not a clear cut issue.

Ok, bed time.

Party time

I went to a Halloween party over the weekend. I was invited by my friend from high school, who is one of my best friends. The party was at the house his girlfriend used to live at (her friends still live there). According to my friend's estimation, 70% of the party goers were gay. I'm not sure how accurate that is, but there were definitely some provocative costumes (especially one guy who was dressed as a SWAT team officer (the male stripper version of one, that is). My friend's girlfriend does have a lot of gay friends for some reason. Most of the time I spent talking to three people: my friend, another friend from college (a pretty eccentric girl who definitely swings both ways), and her friend that she had brought along. I actually got along real well with this friend of hers (I don't think she was gay, but I could be wrong since they did come together). She was cute, and had a really nice personality. We both love travelling, and both are thinking of going into the teaching profession. We're both at that time of our lives when we're making the big decisions. I really enjoyed talking to her. I often wonder whether the type of attraction I feel for girls in these circumstances would be enough to base a relationship on. After all, physical attraction eventually fades anyway. Of course, being an honest person I would have to be upfront about my stronger attraction for guys. And the chances of finding a girlfriend who wouldn't be bothered by that is probably less than the chances of finding a guy if you're gay.

Anyways, at one point my friend the bi girl started prying into my (lack of a) love life, then decided she wants to set me up with some girl she knows. I HATE situations like that. I would privately tell her the truth, but she's the total blabbermouth type.

As for the gay partygoers, I didn't interact with any of them accept for the one I knew (I'm not interested). There were a couple I thought were attractive, though from where I was I didn't really have a good view of the majority of the people. In any case if I end up putting myself out there experimentally, I wouldn't want it to be with anyone in my extended social network. I almost want to drive out to LA or San Diego and go to a bar or something, but the idea of going alone is . . . not pleasant. Are there even that many straight-acting guys that go to bars? That may be an ignorant thing for me to say, but I really don't know. Just trying to figure out the best way to proceed.

College friend

My desire for a best friend seemed to be fulfilled when I entered college. A guy from my dorm and I got along real well. We had similar interests in music, both played video games, and had similar senses of humor. We started hanging out often. I've mentioned him before in the blog. He's the one who already had a best friend back home, which actually made me jealous at the time. I don't know why it was so important for me to have the best friendship be mutual. Growing up I was always content to call all my friends my "best." Later in the year we made plans to room together sophomore year. Near the end of the year, however, he was in danger of being kicked out of school due to low grades. If this happened, he would have to move back home and I would be out a roommate. This was extremely distressing to me. I felt like this close friendship that I had been wanting for so long was in jeopardy. I had envisioned us being friends throughout all of college. I was aware that I was borderline obsessing about the friendship, and that was one of the earliest times that I questioned my sexuality. Interesting, because usually I talk about my interest in guys as being more in the physical realm. In this case, however, it was definitely more emotional.

In the end, it worked out for us to room together sophomore year. He did get kicked out of school, but he was able to take classes at a local community college. I can't remember even once thinking about him in a physical way, though, even though we shared a room. Over the year whatever issues had led to his academic problems continued to eat away at him, and he began to become reclusive. Even though I saw him every day he was increasingly distant. We were still friends, and there would be times when the old outgoing, fun-loving guy would appear, but for the most part he was a shadow of his former self. By the end of the year he had failed his classes again, and this time he did move back home.

We kept in contact periodically during my junior year. At least once he was the one to initiate contact, which I appreciated (for this and most other friendships it's usually me that has to make the first call). At some point, however, he stopped returning my calls. He failed to answer AIM chat requests. The longer this went on, the more confused and hurt I got. Here was a guy that I had opened up to, who I had considered my best friend, and he was giving me the cold shoulder for no apparent reason. I tried to tell myself that it was because he was going through rough times, that it wasn't anything personal. However, part of me refused to accept that as a justification for his behavior. I eventually stopped trying. We had no contact for three years, during which time I would occasionally think about it and get pissed off again. I felt like it was a loose thread hanging, since I didn't understand why he had written me off. Finally, in 2008, I came across his email address when I was going through something on my computer and decided to try once more. I figured maybe all he needed was time to sort through his problems. I sent him an email, but didn't really expect much. All other times I had tried to reach him had failed.

To my shock, he responded. He apologized for having lost contact, saying that he had had a tough couple of years. We eventually talked on the phone, and about a month later he came down for a visit. Hanging out with him was just like old times. It was like no time had passed at all. Since then I've hung out with him several times (and he even went on my big trip over the summer with me . . . he was the one I started planning it with). Whatever feelings I had for the friendship previously have cooled. I don't know if I can ever fully trust him again, but I still like being friends with him. I actually haven't talked to him since we got back several months ago. I left a message on his birthday and he texted me back saying he would call me that week, but he never did. I don't really care. I've learned to accept that that's the way he is. Still, I'm glad that we reconnected. Now that I know what to expect from the friendship, it works better.

In other news, I watched a couple episodes of "Smallville" tonight with another friend. That show (well, every show on the CW) has a very attractive cast. Though Tom Welling and Justin Hartley are very good looking, I must say that Erica Durance is my favorite cast member. I know I typically have more of an eye for guys, but there's just something about her. A lot of it has to do with her character's personality, I think. That's how it usually works with girls for me. I'll feel an attraction, but it will usually be based on an amalgamation of their looks AND personality. Just looks don't really grab my attention like they do with guys. Watching her made me confused again. Argh.

School daze

I was just watching some of the "It Gets Better" videos on YouTube. It made me reflect a bit. As hard of a time as I've had figuring out my sexuality, there are a couple things I feel I should really be thankful for. First of all, unlike a lot of people, I was not going through this during high school. I did notice in high school that I lacked the interest in sex and porn that some of my friends had, but I just attributed that to being a prude (there might be some truth to that). I didn't begin to question my sexual orientation until college.

I'm also thankful that I didn't suffer very much bullying during my school years. Sure, I got picked on occasionally throughout elementary, middle, and high school, and I could probably name every perpetrator. But I never got beat up, never feared for my own safety, and it never got to the point of me being afraid to go to school or anything. This may be because I never really stood out that much. In any case, I have generally positive memories from high school, or at least the last two years.

Freshman year, I'm sure, is tough for everybody, since you're adjusting to your new surroundings. For the most part it was okay. I mostly hung out with a group of friends from middle school. I was one of four guys in the group, and there were also four girls. By the end of the year, each guy left the group to join a different clique. One joined the baseball team, one began hanging out with the skateboarders, and one found another group of friends. Thus by sophomore year, I was left to find a new group of people to hang out with. The girls all pretty much still hung out together. Occasionally I would hang out with them, but it was weird being the only guy. I started to become friends with some guys from my classes, but they were friends with the two guys who bullied me . . . making it a little hard to hang out with them at lunchtime. I pretty much spent the year bouncing between various groups, all of which I got along with but none of which I felt I really belonged to.

Finally, in my junior year, I made some good friends and became part of a new group. The new group included the same group of girls as before, but three new guys took over the vacant spots (weird, huh?) These three were the aforementioned friends of the bullies, but thankfully the bullies hung out elsewhere. By senior year the new group splintered as well, but this time I remained close with two of the other guys. The three of us hung out fairly often that year. It was the first time since middle school that I had really good friends from school. The two of them were best friends, which sometimes made me feel a bit like a "third wheel." Around that time I decided I wanted what they had. I wanted a "best friend." More next time.

There is no try

I went back and visited my old workplace today. It was the first time I had visited in quite some time, so I told everyone about my big decision to defer at the PhD program. There was a reason I waited so long . . . I had been scared to tell my former boss. He was one of the people who wrote me a letter of recommendation. As is always the case when I talk to him, he was extremely nice and understanding about it. He still thinks I should go, though. He stressed that there are a lot of other things you can do with a PhD besides academia. I talked with a couple of other former coworkers for a while, and many of them had opinions similar to what people told me during my decision process: why not give it a try, it'll be good for you, you can always leave with a masters degree. I was beginning to have flashbacks to March-June. My conversation with one person in particular mirrored my thought process during that three-month period. As much as I enjoy hearing other people's perspectives on the matter, I was not much enjoying that trip down memory lane. But what can you expect from talking to academics about academia, haha.

As far as the "give it a try" argument . . . the reason why that wasn't enough to get me to go through with the program was because what "it" refers to is graduate school. But graduate school is not what I was afraid of. It's the career path afterward, and there's no way to "give it a try" before the 5-6 years of grad school.

I've also had trouble with "give it a try" advice when it comes to the sexuality issue. Partially because I don't even know where to begin. Go to a gay bar? Use a website? Plus there's the knowledge that if I finally did "try" something, there's no "un-trying" it. I need to get over that and learn to accept that it's okay to test the water. That just because you stick your foot in the shallow end doesn't mean you're committed to swimming laps.

At least I've gotten a lot of practice telling people a difficult truth about myself and overcoming fear of disappointing them in order to do it. Every time I've told someone about my decision to defer, it was like "coming out" in a way. To a lesser degree, of course. If my other issue comes to that, at least I'll be somewhat prepared.

DADT

Apparently a judge in California stopped "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" today. That's great news . . . it's such a ridiculously stupid law. All of these perfectly able soldiers being tossed out of the military because they can't bare to live a lie and pretend to be something they're not. Then there's the counterarguments about how this will damage unit cohesion by making some straight soldiers uncomfortably. Hmm, an uncomfortable homophobe vs. a miserable, closeted gay soldier. I wonder whose morale would be affected the most?

I didn't shave over the weekend, and now I'm letting my facial hair get longer than I've ever had it. I'm pretty fickle when it comes to facial hair, so I may just shave it off any day now when I get sick of it, but for now I kind of like it. I've only ever had a goatee and a soul patch before, so experimenting with a beard is definitely new. I was never much of a fan of beards, but certain individuals lately have started to sway me . . .

Two fronts

Let's see . . . what's in the news of my life . . .

On the career front: I have shadowed at the dentist's office twice now. I hate to say it . . . I'm not really feeling it. I fear I may not be able to get this teaching thing out of my head unless I give it a try. The two sticking points: 1) Working with teenagers could either be really fun, or really stressful (or both). I need to find out more about people's experiences teaching I guess, to get an idea of if I could handle it. 2) The pay. I'm not very materialistic, but I do want to be able to afford to live in California, and be able to live reasonably comfortably without having to worry too much about how I'm going to pay the bills. Plus I do want to travel periodically. It seems teachers figure it out somehow, I guess.

To address these issues, I have contacted 1) a teacher I found on an internet teaching site, 2) one of my old high school teachers, and 3) my friend from college who is now teaching high school science. Hopefully what I learn from them will be elucidating.

On the sexuality front: Well, nothing much to report. It seems my progress on this front comes in spurts. I started this blog around the same time as I first talked to my mom about my issues and starting seeing the psychologist. Then, a few weeks ago, I talked to my cousin and met a fellow blogger in the same week. But since then . . . well I've been continuing the introspection game. I just found a blog, http://cashyguy.blogspot.com, that I can relate to quite well. He hasn't posted in a while, though.

I messaged a guy who I met at one of the grad school recruitment weekends on Facebook. He's gay, and I got along with him quite well at the time (I didn't know he was gay until after). I figured he might be a good one to talk to since he's outside of my social circle. He hasn't responded though. Argh, I hate it when people don't respond to FB messages. If you wouldn't answer a message from me, then take me off your friend's list!

I have seen a couple guys that I thought were really attractive recently. One of them was a guy who came to my work to take a tour of our facility. A lady who works in another part of the building was showing him around, but when she got to one of the rooms that my group does work in she didn't really know what to say. So, she came to me and asked if I wouldn't mind explaining it to him. I gladly did, and frankly didn't want the conversation to end, haha. He was pretty tall and seemed fairly built, and was quite masculine, but he was also rather soft-spoken. I found that very attractive for some reason.

Also, today I found a YouTube user who seems to be quite a talented musician. http://www.youtube.com/user/apples33ds He's also gay, and Australian. My favorite accent in the world. Until next time, g'day mates.

Memory Lane

I JUST posted an entry, but some other stuff that I've been thinking about just occurred to me so here's another one, haha. Hey, it's my blog, I'll do what I want!

I'm sure many people who realize they have other-than-normal attractions think back to try to figure out where they began. Well, I can definitely remember a couple of examples.

Going way back to elementary school, there weren't too many individuals that "did it" for me. But I do remember a couple of celebrity crushes. Not that I thought of them as crushes then, but in retrospect they kinda were. They're kind of embarrassing, hehe . . .

Number one: Jonathan Taylor Thomas from Home Improvement. He was around my age. I remember really wishing he lived next door to me so we could be best friends. An innocent enough crush, I suppose.

Number two: Tommy the Green Ranger.

I looked up a "Where Are They Now?" type website about the Power Rangers, and Jason David Frank still looks really good. Jason the Red Ranger was good looking too, but he really let himself go (and no, the rumors of him doing gay porn are not true, sorry).

Billy the Blue Ranger recently came out as gay, and says that he left the show due to harassment about his sexuality. I actually watched an interview with him, it was really interesting. I guess he actually went into a "Pray the Gay Away" ministry and ended up having a nervous breakdown. Poor guy. Society can really screw people up. He seems to be doing much better now.

Those are the only celebrity crushes I can think of from back then, but there were some others in my life. One guy in middle school I can remember being attracted to. In high school there were two upperclassmen and one substitute teacher that I thought were hot (though only realized this in retrospect . . . at the time I thought it was just admiration or jealousy). The sub was the son of one of the coaches, and now he teaches full time at the school. I saw his picture on the school website. Still hot. Of course, there were several girls that I had crushes on during middle school and high school too (but not usually due to looks, more personality), so I didn't quite catch that something was up.

Hindsight is in 20/20, or so they say.

Meetup, Teaching, and Religion

I finally worked up the nerve to meet up with one of the other bloggers that I've been corresponding with since I started: Mike from Random Thoughts in My Life. Due to my sporadic use of this blog and limited visits to other blogs I don't really have much of a following, so I appreciate that Mike (and Aek as well) has stuck around. It was cool, and I'm glad I did it.

We talked a bit about his student teaching. Today the idea of teaching high school biology was pretty strongly on my mind. I had never been interested in it before because I figured I would want to teach students that actually want to be there. Now that the university level has soured in my eyes, I'm giving it another look. There are advantages to teaching high school age students too. They aren't as set in their personalities and life goals as a lot of college students might be, so you have the opportunity to affect their lives in a much more substantial way it seems (the smaller class sizes would help too). The disciplining might get old, but I suppose it depends on the class you have. I guess the number one thing that gives me pause is the job prospects . . . especially in this economy I know that high school teachers are having a rough time finding work. My area being science would no doubt be beneficial, but still . . .

I had another conversation with my cousin, mostly about our favorite subjects of current events and philosophy. But I did refer briefly to our previous conversation (basically that I was still reeling from it, haha). It was fine, no awkwardness. We are officially still cool, haha.

One aspect of my personality that I dealt with during my sophomore year of college is my spiritual beliefs (or lack thereof). At the time I lived with three Christians, so it was a good opportunity to evaluate where I stood on such issues. In the end I decided to identify as agnostic. I took it to mean that while I do not believe in God, I do not claim that there is no God either. Basically, I lack enough evidence to make a claim either way. If evidence were to be presented to me, I might change my position. I read something the other day (I forget where), that said that outspoken atheists are actually less likely to be elected than men who are openly homosexual. It's quite remarkable how religious the U.S. is, especially compared to other Western nations. The conflicts that arise between religion and modern society are something I find very interesting. In fact, it's been coloring my recent chosen reading material. I'm almost done reading Salman Rushdie's controversial novel, The Satanic Verses, which forced him to go into hiding after religious extremists in the Middle East condemned him to death for writing it. Next up is Richard Dawkins' The God Delusion. In it, he supposedly makes an argument for why agnosticism is not a viable alternative to atheism, so I'm looking forward to seeing what points he makes.

Wow, I'm believing that election statistic more now. I feel more hesitant admitting my agnosticism/atheism than I do about my same-sex attractions, haha. What a crazy country we live in.

Confidant

I've always been very close with my three cousins from Nor Cal. They are like the brothers that I never had. We grew up together, though since they always lived about 8 hours away I usually only see them a couple times a year. It used to be hard to keep in touch with them since long-distance phone calls were so expensive. When we did talk on the phone, I would talk with them for a really long time but my parents would always come and tell me to wrap it up. Understandable, since it was pricey. That's why I love technology, it solves so many problems! These days with cell phones, Facebook, Google Chat, Skype, and Xbox Live, it's easy and cheap to keep in touch.

Growing up, I was probably closest with the oldest of the 3 brothers. He is a year and a half older than me, while the others are 1 year and 4 1/2 years younger than me. He lives on the east coast now, and I don't really get to talk to him too much because he's really busy with work, his girlfriend, and his social life. Strangely enough, it's the youngest brother that I have become closest with over the past couple years. Not only do I relate more to his place in life (since I wouldn't say that I've really started my "career" yet, unlike the oldest brother), but we also seem to be on the same page intellectually for the most part. Whenever I want to have a deep, philosophical discussion, he's the one I turn to. This is for a couple of reasons. Number one, he's one of my few close friends/family members that I know enjoys such discussions. Number two, he's really intelligent and curious about the world. Number three, he's very open-minded. Number four, we're similar ideologically. Politically he's conservative, but unlike my dad (or his, for that matter), he's willing to consider other arguments and isn't overly dogmatic about his beliefs. Myself I tend towards conservatism as well, though I'm fairly liberal when it comes to certain social issues. Another thing we have in common is that neither of us are religious.

Anyways, I've known for a long time that if there were going to be someone else I was going to reveal my Issue to, it would be him. Up until now I had only talked (in person) with three people about it: 1) my mom, 2) the psychologist, and 3) my roommate at one of the grad school recruitment weekends (random, I know.) The latter two weren't close to me, so they were of limited usefulness, and talking to my mom about it was just awkward (especially after she told me she wasn't comfortable talking about it . . . understandable reaction but that set me back for a while).

Last night I finally decided to talk to my cousin about it. Why now? Well, this week is the week I would have started grad school had I so chosen. Because I am in the same city with the same job instead, I was feeling very antsy. If I wasn't making forward progress on the career issue, I needed to be making progress on the other Issue. Also, since I've been a bit confused lately about what I want out of life, I'm feeling like maybe the career issue can't be resolved fully until I make more progress on this one.

We were chatting over the webcam, first about various topics (specifically the so-called "Ground Zero Mosque" . . . which somehow led into a discussion about conservative vs. liberal world views and eventually the meaning of life . . . for some reason lots of my discussions are leading there lately, haha). Then I started to approach the subject very gradually. I asked him about the first girl that he could remember having a crush on, and what had attracted him to her. From there I moved on to asking him whether he distinguishes between physical and sexual attraction. He does, basically saying physical attraction is more of a "That person is really good looking" feeling whereas sexual attraction is more of a "That person is hot and I want to (fill in the blank) her." This was interesting to me. I definitely experience the former a lot more than the latter.

From there I explained to him about my general lack of sexual attraction towards girls. Ever the optimist, he suggested this might actually be an advantage and might make girls more attracted to me since they usually have lower sex drives than guys.

From there I segued into the most painful part of the conversation, which I did with my eyes closed the entire time, and my voice really low so as not to be heard by my housemates (my new place is a lot smaller than my last one and I'm not sure how sound carries . . . hopefully no one heard anything). I admitted that while my sexual attraction levels seem rather low, the direction of my physical attraction is mostly towards guys. Of course the terms I were using were a lot less straight-forward, but he eventually understood.

He took it very well. He didn't show any shock or surprise, and instead merely sought to try to understand. I tried to convey to him how I feel about the issue, which is basically that I don't really feel straight because I lack physical attraction toward girls, but at the same time I don't really feel gay because I don't feel I have romantic feelings or strong sexual desires toward guys. I explained to him my belief that there are really an infinite number of sexual orientations, and that society's need for simplification is the reason for labels such as "gay," "straight," "bisexual," etc. He said he'd never thought of it that way, but he agreed it makes sense.

I wasn't really expecting him to try to advise me, but he tried anyway. He basically suggested the same thing as the psychologist did: go out and try. I'm not sure I'm ready for that, but we'll see. Eventually I'll run out of intermediate steps, and at that point I'll either have to make the leap or remain stagnant.

It ended up being a really long conversation. I went to bed at like 3:30 AM. I was really sleepy today, but it was totally worth it. My cousin suggested that he feels the conversation did nothing but improve our relationship, and he insisted that his opinion of me is unchanged. I feel so fortunate to have someone like him to talk about such things with. It's weird today knowing that I finally did what I've been working up to for years. Time to set a new goal . . .

Info Dump

Work continues to figure out the two major issues: career and sexuality (in that order this time around)

I had lunch with a dentist yesterday, to discuss that career path. It's been on my mind since June, so maybe this one will stick? There's still some aspects of it I'm not sure about (seems chronic neck/back pain is inevitable, and I never really was much into working a lot with my hands), but then again every job has its downside. I've thought about doing what some of my friends have done and get a teaching credential to teach HS biology or something, but I don't know about teaching high schoolers . . . plus the job prospects are pretty dim for teachers (though better for science and math I think). There's a good chance I may end up with dentistry, we'll see. There are aspects I find attractive (interacting and building relationships with people, helping relieve people of pain and practicing preventative treatments, etc.)

I got a new laptop and have been making use of the webcam to keep in touch with family, including my parents who now live in the Midwest :-( I can't believe I haven't seen them in person since before my trip!

About the trip: it was to Europe, the Eurotrip I had been planning for years to take place between work and grad school. Luckily it still worked out even though grad school got indefinitely postponed. It single-handedly prevented 2010 from being a really crappy year. Kind of weird how 3 of the most stressful months of my life were immediately followed by one of the best. I figured it would be a good chance to recharge my batteries and get ready to figure out this career thing once and for all. As for the places we visited (me, friends, and cousins), we went to Spain, France, Italy, Germany, The Netherlands, and the UK. Many fun times were had. And no, we did not try the brownies in Amsterdam. We did visit the Red Light District, though. I found it pretty disturbing, like a smutty haunted house, haha. Prostitutes behind glass, on either side of a narrow alleyway, beckoning to you. Definitely not something you'd find in the US, haha. My friends were captivated it seems. I was just uncomfortable.

We also inadvertently stayed in a gay hotel in Berlin, called the Axel Hotel. Hotels.com left out a bit of pertinent information about the type of hotel, haha. The place's motto was "Hetero Friendly." It also seems to confuse "gay" with "exhibitionist," . . . since the walls of the bathrooms in the rooms are transparent! If the hall door was open people could see right into the shower! There's also door hangars, in addition to the ones that say "Do Not Disturb," that say, "Please Disturb." The guest directory explains it is to notify other guests that it is okay to "knock on the door." Ahem. Apparently while me and a friend were sitting down in the lobby a couple of guys went by and checked us out (I wasn't looking up, one of the others told me). Interesting. Some of my companions are typically a bit homophobic, but I think they handled our stay maturely. Definitely makes an interesting story. Now I read they're putting one in in NYC. Of course, my big secret issue was in my head the whole time we were there. Not only that, we happened to be in Madrid and Munich during gay pride! It was like a recurring theme.

Also during the trip, a couple of my travel buddies invented code words to allow them to discreetly point out hot girls to each other (they're in college, give 'em a break, haha). I noticed more guys than girls during the trip, so I couldn't really join in.

Now that I'm back home it's back to business as usual, while I try to figure out what career to pursue. And on the side working on the sexuality issue whenever any clues arise. A girl at work who I always thought was attractive just left to go to law school (at the same school I decided not to go to, haha). Another girl who I'm pretty sure had feelings for me left for medical school. She'd be perfect to date, if only I felt more attracted to her. Recently I met a female teller in the bank who was really cute and had a great personality, and the fact that I felt an attraction got my attention. I may need to go back there soon. It did confirm my feeling that I only crush on girls once I've interacted with them, whereas I can crush on guys just based on appearance. Seems like personality is a more substantial thing to look for in a potential mate, but it's kind of problematic if the physical element is missing. So hmm.

Okay that was a massive dump of stream of consciousness. I need to be at work at 8 tomorrow, so good night.

Reading material

I bought a bunch of books at Barnes and Noble both before and after my trip. Before were self-help books, books to help me with my current situation. One of them is called "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway." I bought this one because I recognize the role that fear had in preventing me from entering the east coast grad program. Obviously it was not the only factor, or else I wouldn't feel like it was the right thing for me to do. But it was a factor, and I want to make sure that when I figure out what I ultimately want to do, I don't get sidelined by fear. I haven't started reading it yet, but I plan to.

The other one is called "The Pathfinder: How to Choose or Change Your Career for a Lifetime of Satisfaction and Success." It's full of exercises designed to help you learn more about your own wants, needs, attributes, and interests and how to translate them into a career. I tend to do best when I have structure, so I figured I would try the book since it is a systematic way to get to the bottom of what I'm struggling with.

Another book I got recently to read for leisure. It's called "God Says No," and it's a novel about a man with same-sex attraction that gets married and ends up faking his own death to lead a gay lifestyle. Later on he spends time in a Christian ministry to try to become straight. The main theme of the book is definitely the negative consequences that arise when you try to be something you're not. Also the way blind faith ruins lives. The book didn't really help me clear up anything on the sexuality side of things. I could relate to the guy's unwanted physical attraction to guys, but not his desire to go out and do sexual things with them. Overall it was an okay read, but nothing to write home about.

I went to a wedding recently and sat next to a really beautiful girl with a nice personality. My former roommate was there and kept pressuring me to ask her to dance. She was on the verge of moving out of the country to teach, so it would have been a low risk thing to do (on the other hand, if I liked her that would suck to meet her right before her move). In the end I wussed out. But I did chat with her for a while, so that's something at least. And the fact that I found her attractive is nice, though it doesn't help to clear up the confusion, haha. For now I'll just continue living, and paying attention to who I'm attracted to and who I'm not. But I really got to start figuring this crap out, because times a-wastin'.

Into August

It's been a month and a half since my last post, and I'm proud to say, I haven't flip flopped. I am still feeling good about my decision to not do the program. The reasons behind the difficulty of the decision are also clearer to me now. The program itself was very attractive: really great school, exciting city, chance to break out of my bubble and experience new things, interesting subject, new people. But the big picture, the down-the-road stuff (i.e., the career) . . . not so appealing anymore. I needed to sacrifice the short term stuff that I was looking forward to, because that path no longer would take me where I want to go. I'm just happy I'm not regretting it. The door's not completely closed yet, since I just deferred my enrollment, but I'm 90% sure I'm going to say no when the time comes for me to tell them whether I'm coming next year.

My month of travelling was just what I needed. The trip single-handedly saved 2010 from being total crap, as it was one of the best months of my life. I'll probably write more about the trip some other time

Quick one

Just a paragraph, to counterbalance last night's behemoth, haha. I'm feeling much better today. I told most of the most difficult people to tell. First, people at work. Second, my friend who I'll be travelling with next month. I nearly screwed up that whole plan completely. It's working out, but after I told him over the phone he said, in a nutshell, "So after all that you're not going? I could have saved a couple hundred dollars if you could have made up your mind sooner. I wish you hadn't told me." Ouch. I do know I really made a mess and I feel really bad about it. Still, I felt that was a little uncalled for. What am I supposed to do, pretend that I'm living on the east coast when I talk to him in a few months? I admit I reacted quite angrily and ranted a little bit before I calmed down. What's done is done. I can't change the past. All I know is I'm more at peace now than I've been in several months, and more people are going on the trip that may have not been able to go if circumstances had been different. So, my regrets are minimal.

Roller coaster

It's been a long three months.

I just read back over the post from April, after I accepted the grad school offer. Funny how I titled that post "back and forth." Little did I know the back and forth was just beginning. Please be warned, this is a looooooong post. Not exactly the most conducive to reading, but it was therapeutic to write, so that's all that matters.

The weekend after I found out that deferral was an option, I thought about it and decided that deferral would probably just result in me being just as apprehensive a year from now. The only way I could know if grad school was for me was to go, right? So I emailed the program and told them I'd be starting in September after all. I began telling people of my decision, though I was still a little unsure whether it was really the right one.

It was hard to disentangle the cause of my feelings. Was it because I was afraid to move to the east coast? Was it the idea of switching from So Cal suburbia to east coast big city? The idea of putting up with freezing cold winters? Leaving my friends and family behind? Fear of the unknown? Or . . . was it something more rational?

I couldn't help but browse the internet. I browsed forums about the city. About grad school. About PhD job prospects (that scared me the most). The discomfort I felt about academia began to increase. I started talking to anyone and everyone about the decision I had to make. Advice usually took the form of "do what will make you happy" (except you don't know what will make you happy before you do it, do you?), "follow your gut" (my gut wasn't any less confused than the rest of me), "you can always go try it out and leave if it's not for you" (except much of my fear was centered on the career path AFTER grad school, not grad school itself).

My parents and I decided to take a trip over to check out the school and the city. It was a fun trip. I met up with a friend from the recruitment weekend and checked out some places I had found on CraigsList. One guy advertising was an alumnus from my alma mater (small world). Nice guy, great location, but the place wasn't the greatest. I ended up settling on a place that was much bigger, but also much farther away. Admittedly, my parents kind of pushed me to jump on that place, even though I was a bit apprehensive about the area. In the end I felt a little bit better about it though, after meeting with the girl I'd be living with. She's a really pretty pre-med from British Columbia. I figured if she could make it in the neighborhood, I'd be just fine.

Our trip also included a visit to the faculty member who I had chatted with about my concerns. I thanked her for her help, and also talked a bit more about the program to make me feel better.

Coming back home, I definitely felt a lot better about the school itself and the city. The worries about the career path continued to persist, however. I kept giving myself ultimatums: "Stop browsing the internet forums! The internet is full of negativity! It's not like people post on forums about how great their lives are!" But it wasn't just the forums. It was newspaper articles as well. I added a science section to my Google News page, and one of the top stories had a headline like, "Universities are churning out doctorates, but few jobs." The person profiled in the story? A person in my field. From UCLA. Who decided to leave academia to become a professional poker player. Apparently she finds that less risky??

The landlord of the place I had chosen was beginning to bug me to mail the lease and security deposit, and I began to freak out again. On top of that, I had a fun weekend wine tasting with my friends in gorgeous countryside that reminded me of what I was leaving behind (friends and CA) and made me extremely depressed. I could barely even enjoy the finale of "Lost," hehe. I talked a long time with my friends and decided it wasn't right for me to go, not if I felt this bad. On top of it all, my stress had begun to manifest itself physically as a cramp-like pain in my stomach. Worried about my health, I emailed the landlord and said there was a potential problem that might prevent me from moving after all, and that I'd let him know as soon as I could. He was alright with it, but said to get back to him asap, as he had others lined up for the room. I also asked my boss if it would be possible to cancel the search for my replacement if necessary. He said yes.

I wrote a message to my friend in the program to warn him that I may not be there in September after all. He wrote back and offered to talk about it on the phone. I called him and explained everything, and asked him about his decision to pursue grad school, what he was planning to do with the PhD, and what he thought about the program and its usefulness for helping students explore their options. The conversation was encouraging. I decided to talk to the faculty member for the third time, so I emailed her. I really didn't want to come across as needy or in need of coddling, but I didn't know what else to do. I basically told her my interest in academia was waning and that the most attractive option in my mind was at this point teaching at the community college level. I figured this would allow me with a degree of geographic choice that would be denied me by academia, and would allow me to focus on teaching without having to worry about running a research lab and applying for grants. She assured me that she felt their program would suit my needs, and she would gladly work with me to point me in the right direction once I came.

The conversations made me feel better. Meanwhile, my brother-in-law had written me a text saying he was relieved to hear that I was staying. I texted him back with a message suggesting I had experienced a(nother) change of heart. His response was along the lines of, "So you're going now? You're going to drive your mom crazy!" My sister wrote a similar email: "We'll support whatever you decide . . . just decide soon before you give Mom a stroke!"

Thinking the apprehension would continue until I committed, I wrote the check for the security deposit, signed the lease, and mailed it. Done. I began to tell people about how I had finally sealed the deal. It felt good. Sort of. For a little bit. And then the worries returned. And the depression set back in. I would think of friends who had started careers that would allow them to stay in California, and felt jealous. I began to think very negative thoughts about myself and my life. Meanwhile the ad for my job successor went out, and applications began to come in. My supervisor scheduled interviews. My boss saw me a couple times last week and could tell I was still very conflicted and depressed. He tried his best to console me (he's an amazing guy), and suggested I take a hint from the Eagles: "Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy." I couldn't help it, though.

I decided enough was enough, I couldn't do this on my own. I looked up the counselor that I hadn't seen for two years and paid her an impromptu visit. I started off describing all the reasons for my apprehension, and she suggested there didn't seem to be much reason for me to go. Then, however, I described the reasons I had to go, mostly about the attractive aspects of the program. That made her change her tune, and she suggested it might be worth a try. Argh! At least it's not just me, though. Apparently the situation will confuse even a professional.

Friday night I talked long with a close friend and admitted to him that I was still deeply conflicted and thinking of attempting to back out even at this point. We talked for quite a while, and I ended up thinking that I might very well see if it was possible. The next morning, I hesitantly called my mom to talk to her. She had probably lost more sleep over my problems than I had in the past month, so I didn't want to burden her further. However, I really needed to talk. I told her about how I had started seeing the psychologist again, and she still seemed ready to support me even if I changed my mind yet again.

That day I saw the psychologist and shared with her a realization that I had come to the night before with my friend: the positives of going to the grad program were mostly concentrated on the program itself. The negatives were mostly about the career path afterward. I was trying to have it both ways. I didn't want to go down the career path anymore, but I didn't want to give up the grad school experience. My boss was of the opinion that I should go try it out anyway, even if I had zero interest in the career. Sure, maybe if I was forever young. But I turn 26 soon. Time's a wasting. By the end of the session, the psychologist helped me feel confident that the right thing to do was defer.

So, I emailed my boss to see if it might be possible to cancel the interviews and keep me on. I emailed the landlord to see about cancelling the lease (luckily, there was a termination clause in the lease, as long as more than a month's notice is given). Today I spoke to my boss. He has agreed to keep me on. He is being VERY understanding about it, although I know I pushed him past the point of what should be acceptable. In addition, he's allowing me to take the month of July off so I can still do the travelling that I've been looking forward to for so long. I'll do unpaid leave to cover it, but it will be worth it. I feel so blessed to have such a boss.

The landlord texted me and said he'll get back to me this week. Hopefully that will go smoothly. I don't see why it wouldn't, it says termination is okay right in the lease.

I'm working on telling everyone about my final decision. It is absolutely humiliating to switch again, and I have to do it over and over. Most everyone is okay with it, but I don't want to think about how their perception of me may have changed. Heck, I've acted downright crazy. I still haven't told the program yet, but the faculty member said I could choose to defer all the way up to the start of school so I'm not worried about that.

Phew! I logged in to make a quick update and it turned into this! This was therapeutic, though. Now, to plan my trip, recharge, and start figuring out what I'm going to do. The door is still open to do the program next year, but honestly, I don't see that happening. Academia is a high risk, high reward profession, and I have never been a gambler. Why would I gamble with my career, which is the next 40 years or so of my life? For some, the passion for the subject makes up for the risk. For me, the costs simply aren't worth it.

My guilty pleasure comes to an end

And now, a less serious post to complement the heavier one from earlier. I watched the last couple episodes of "The Real World DC." I feel kind of silly to admit it, but I found this season a little inspiring at times. Most of it came from Mike, whom I've mentioned before. He comes from a conservative background, but he identifies as bisexual and exudes such an admirable self-confidence. Not to mention he's extremely easy on the eyes. However, I also found myself relating to other people on the show as well. There was a girl named Erika who I largely couldn't stand, but when she was debating with herself about whether to leave the show or not, I couldn't help but be reminded of my grad school decision. She constantly flip flopped back and forth until her roommates didn't even believe a word she said anymore. At one point she even considered flipping a coin to decide (I admit, that thought crossed my mind at one point too). In the end, she chose to leave because she wasn't happy, and wanted to return to where she felt safe and comfortable. She stood to gain much more from staying, but she decided to cut and run instead. I'm feeling like giving up on the PhD at this point would be akin to doing that (at least, that's how I feel today, haha). It would be giving in to the impulses that define some of the aspects of my personality that I like least.

Overall, I think the reason I enjoy watching The Real World is because it stars people who are at the same stage of their lives as I am. Even though they tend to be a couple years younger than me and still in college, they are trying to figure out what they want to do for the rest of their lives, and what kind of people they want to be. It also reminds me that everyone is a little screwed up. Everyone has issues (some more than others, as is often the case on that show). And with that, I leave you with an image of Mike Manning. You're welcome, Aek. :-)

Back and forth

Well, the deadline for my decision has passed. The past month has been the most stressful month of my life. The weight of the decision I would have to make weighed on me all day, every day. The second I would wake up in the morning, I would instantly begin thinking about it again. My mind went back and forth repeatedly. Whenever I would think about the potential personal growth that could occur with the east coast move, as well as the interest in science that had brought me to this point to begin with, I would warm up to the idea of moving. Then, whenever my mind returned to the troubling aspects of academia and the uncertainty of that career path, I would freak out and plan to turn the offer down again.

Friday before the deadline week, I received an email from the chair of the program, checking in with me and offering to answer any questions I might have that could help me decide. I decided to reply with an honest email, explaining my apprehension about pursuing academia and asking about the possibility of deferring enrollment by a year (I figured it was a long shot). This led to a half hour conversation with her a few days before the deadline, where she shared with me her own experiences in academia, spoke about the program's opportunities to learn about alternative career paths, and most importantly, confirmed that deferral would, in fact, be a possibility. Better yet, I could accept the offer from the program and decide whether to defer until later. So, I accepted.

Unfortunately, this means drawing out my decision period. I think I needed the extra time, though. The rejection from my top choice really killed my self-confidence, and I think this was a big factor in my near abandonment of grad school. I know I wrote before that I don't want to enter grad school for the wrong reasons. Well, the same goes for potentially safer options like pharmacy and optometry school. If the interest in the work isn't there, it doesn't matter how "safe" the option is.

So where I stand now: I need to decide whether to 1. start the program in September. 2. Defer to give myself more time to decide if this is what I should do (with the disadvantage being, of course, pushing it back again) 3. Give it up and find a different path to pursue. They say that when looking back at your life you're more likely to regret what you didn't do, rather than what you did do. So, I am once again leaning towards going through with it.

I'm really seeing a theme in all these crises of mine. My indecisiveness seems to stem from a fear of commitment. I love having options, and hate the idea of choosing one path at the expense of others. I seem to prefer standing and looking at all of the open doors rather than choosing one and letting the others close. I'm really going to have to learn to make a choice and live with it.

New trajectory

I generally have considered the sexual orientation confusion and career doubts of the past couple years to be the defining issues of my so-called "quarter life crisis." Well, the latter definitely came to a head over the last two weeks, spurned on by the UCLA rejection. Having the only acceptance come from an east coast school, I decided to look more closely at how badly I really wanted the Ph.D. I realized that part of the reason I wanted to go to UCLA so much was that I still had not fully committed to the idea of a career in research/academia. The fact that it was the best program for my interests was a factor sure, and a convenient justification for my preference. But really, I wanted to be able to pursue the Ph.D. without having to disrupt my life too much. If later on I decided I did in fact want to pursue a career in academia, then I could commit to the uncertainty and moving around that would be involved at that point. Basically, low risk in the short term, and then I'd make the higher risk decisions later.

The UCLA rejection (coupled with rejections from most of the other programs I interviewed at) has forced me to do some serious soul-searching. After reading a lot more about the Ph.D. track online and talking to people, I'm now realizing that I just might not be well suited to the academic life. The level of uncertainty in that career path terrifies me. The idea of having to move from post-doc position to post-doc position, applying to faculty jobs alongside hundreds of other applicants, having to move to some random location in the country because it's the only place you can get a job, having to constantly apply for grants to secure funding, and worrying about whether or not you're going to receive tenure . . . I've realized these are stresses that I REALLY don't want to put up with. For a while I just figured they'd be things I'd get used to, that every career path has its own stresses. But now I'm thinking those particular stresses would especially bother me. I know that not everyone who gets a Ph.D. goes into academia, but it IS the most prominent option, and I don't really see the point of starting down that road having already decided that I don't want to be a professor. I wish these things had occurred to me before. . . and I admit the doubts have been recurring for several years now. For some reason I had blinders on until now. Once again, introspection only gets you so far. Sometimes it takes some kind of external stimulus to snap you out of your mindset.

So the last couple weeks has been a mad scramble to try to figure out a Plan B before the time comes for me to officially turn down the offer. I gave med school another look. Nope. Didn't appeal to me before, still doesn't. I looked at law school. They allow applicants from all different majors, so all I'd have to do is take the LSAT. But . . . I never really had much interest in being a lawyer. Physicians assistant? Good pay and more normal hours than a physician, but I'm not sure I'd like direct patient care no matter how many hours I'm on the job.

So now my mind has settled on pharmacy school. Being a pharmacist seems to have characteristics that might suit me. You have to be good at science, and it involves an aspect of science education (teaching others about medications, their uses, their interactions, and how to incorporate them into a healthy lifestyle). In addition, it has a lot of the characteristics that I felt were lacking from academia, namely, better job security, mobility, and higher compensation. I talked to a pharmacist the other day for a while, and she said it was a good profession. She warned me that it is a high stress job, which often involves having to make important decisions in distracting environments. However, I think I could handle that kind of stress better than the kind of stress that comes with a research career.

The problem: PharmD programs require some prerequisites that I haven't taken. Which means . . . I'd have to take more classes first. It seems like a pain, especially since I could just accept the offer and start graduate school in the fall. But . . . in the long run I just don't think I'd be happy.

It's a tough time, but in a way it's liberating to realize that I'm not stuck on the path I was on. A part of me realizes that plenty of people would love to have an acceptance into a Ph.D. program, and would say I'm a fool for planning to turn it down, especially at such a good school. However, I think the foolish thing would be to go into grad school for the wrong reasons. It wouldn't matter if it was the best school in the world . . . if I don't think I'm going to be happy in the career that results.

I'm also being careful not to make any hasty decisions. I'm going to give myself the entire time they're allowing me to accept or reject the offer. I want to make sure this isn't just the rejection talking, haha. If I still feel this way when the time comes . . . I'll turn them down.

You can't always get what you want

Having finished graduate school interviews up in February, I've been really excited to get the word back from all the programs so I could make my decision. My top choice by far was UCLA. They had the best program/faculty/resources for what I wanted to do, plus it's in So Cal so I wouldn't have to move that far and I could still be near my family and friends. I LOVED my experience there during the recruitment weekend, and I felt like all of my interviews went really well (something I couldn't say about all the schools I visited). One professor even seemed eager to advocate for me, saying he was going to email a couple of people on the admissions committee and tell them "they had to admit me." Suffice it to say, I was feeling very confident and had begun to make plans in my mind about what the next five years would be like in Los Angeles.

And then . . . I opened my email on Monday to receive A REJECTION. I was absolutely devastated. Here I had successfully gotten an interview at my dream school and come off of it feeling like I'd done a great job (and they told us 75% of the interviewees would be accepted so I had little reason to worry) and this happens. The past couple days I have been in a funk the likes of which I have never experienced before. On top of that I got sick, probably something I caught at the party over the weekend. So I'm home from work today trying to recover, both physically and mentally/emotionally. I am feeling a little better in all ways, though. I did get one acceptance (out of nine applications, geez) out of state. On the east coast. It's still a good school, just not quite as strong in the specific area I was interested in. I admit, the possibility of turning it down and reapplying to UCLA next year has crossed my mind. On the other hand, there's no guarantee I'd do any better next year, and I might not even get an interview (it's probably only going to get more competitive, especially in CA with all the budget cuts) I have a month to decide, so I have a lot of thinking to do. The thought of leaving my friends and family behind on the west coast pains me, but it might be good for me to get far out of my comfort zone. We'll see.

Make a move

I went to a birthday party last night. Several of the guys were gay (I've met them before, I don't find them attractive) but I spent a good part of the night hanging out with a girl, one of the girls whose birthday it was. She'll be moving out of state in a few weeks so there wasn't much point in pursuing her or anything, but she had a cool personality so she was fun to talk to. One of my best friends also liked her, but he spent most of his time trying to get me to make a move, to "have fun". Then my other best friend joined in too, asking me if I liked her. That made me feel very awkward . . . can't a guy just enjoy talking to a girl without the expectation of having to "make a move"? I'm not a random play or one-night stand kind of guy, so if there's no potential for it to turn into something serious I don't really see the point (asexual tendencies revealing themselves, perhaps?) I felt very confused after the party, though, because even though I hadn't felt the desire to make out with her or anything I did really like being around her. I wonder how I would have felt if it were an attractive guy with a cool personality instead. Would I have felt the same, or would there have been more of a physical desire along with it? Who knows.

During the night I had a dream about the party (that's pretty strange, usually I don't dream about things that JUST happened). In the dream we were all sitting on a big circular couch. My friends were there, and so was one of the gay guys, who was sitting to my right. He started to ask everyone, one by one, questions about their sexuality. While my friends were answering him (I can't even remember what anyone said), I was pretending to sleep so the question wouldn't come to me. Luckily he didn't catch on, haha. I don't think I need Freud to figure that one out.

Father of mine

Two posts in one night? Yeah, I've got a lot on my mind.

So today I had lunch with my mom, and I decided to bring up an issue that has been troubling me lately: namely, my dad. I've always been on good terms with my father, but I hesitate to say we're "close." This, coupled with a series of arguments stemming from his stubbornly held far right views that he seems to be unable to rationally back up (he has referred to Obama as "evil" on multiple occasions) has led to some negative feelings towards him on my part as of late. I don't want it to be that way. I also get the feeling sometimes that my dad doesn't really care about what's going on in my life. He never asks nor shows any interest. I have no idea how he feels about my decision to go to graduate school or anything.

My mom revealed to me that my dad has NEVER been a good communicator, not with anyone. She assured me that it's not that he doesn't care, it's just that he isn't good at expressing himself. I realized that the issue here may very well be one of social cognition. Someone who lacks "social intelligence," if you will, would have trouble expressing their feelings to others, trouble picking up on social cues, and trouble seeing things from others' perspectives. It seems that this might apply to my dad. An empathy deficit would certainly shed some light on why he often seems closed-minded and unwilling to consider other viewpoints.

Now that I'm considering the issue from this perspective I feel better about it. It's not necessarily that my dad doesn't care. He just finds it hard to show it. It's obvious that some people have more skill than others when it comes to things like sports or academics. But we often take social skills for granted and fail to realize that sometimes social difficulties come in different varieties than just shyness. I'll try from now on to be a bit more patient with him. I'm still determined to have a heart-to-heart with him, though. I want to understand him more as a person, and I want to help him understand me.

I wish "The Real World" would just stop hassling me

I'll admit it, I have a guilty pleasure. It's called "The Real World." That ridiculous show keeps pulling me back in! Part of my fascination stems from my (fortunate) lack of drama in my personal relationships. Seeing these vastly different personality types thrown into a house together shows me the kind of arguments I could be having if I wasn't such a laid back guy, or if the people I lived with weren't also easy going.

But I admit, the number one reason I'm interested in this season is Mike. He is a guy in his early 20s from Colorado who identifies as bisexual. I relate to him a lot, both for his sexual identity confusion and for his laid back, open-minded and good natured attitude. And he is extremely easy on the eyes. He currently seems to be more attracted to guys and is trying to become more comfortable with himself.

I glanced through some of the internet chatter about him, and it amazes me how many gay people there seem to be that refuse to accept the existence of bisexuality. There seems to be a large segment of the gay population that believes guys who call themselves bisexual are really just in the process of coming out as gay. While I agree that this is probably the case for some, and maybe even quite a few, I also have no doubt in my mind that it is possible for someone to be attracted to both sexes. Why shouldn't it be possible?

I don't believe people are born gay or bisexual. I don't believe they're born straight either. I don't think there's any inborn conception of what a human being even is, so why would we pop out of the womb already hardwired to prefer one sex over the other? We need to learn what the choices ARE first! I think the various sexual orientations develop via complicated interactions between one's environment and experiences and one's genetics. Certain characteristics gradually become sexually charged, and usually those characteristics are associated with one sex or the other. At this point the orientation has developed. I don't see why such a complex process can only result in either A or B, though. Heck, sometimes the things that people develop this affinity for are a very specific part of the body, or something unrelated to a person at all. I believe those are what we call "fetishes." Given the amount of variation in people's sexual triggers, I'd be shocked if true bisexuality didn't exist.

Um, how did I go from talking about a reality show to formulating a theory on sexual orientation development? I should really learn to control these tangents. So . . . yeah, Mike's hot.

The 4th Orientation

I read an interesting article today, at http://www.scientificamerican.com/blog/post.cfm?id=are-there-asexuals-among-us-on-the-2009-10-29.

I've heard of asexuality before. I'm not talking about the high school biology kind of asexuality, where single-celled organisms reproduce by fission. I mean the so-called "fourth orientation." Someone who describes themselves as asexual lacks the desire to have sex with either gender. It seems to be very difficult to categorize oneself as asexual though, since it requires one to recognize the lack of something that he or she has never experienced to begin with. How do you know you're missing something if you lack the experience necessary to properly understand and define it?

At one point years ago I thought I might be asexual. Now I'm revisiting that possibility. Of course, these days I have a more open view of sexuality and view it on a multi-dimensional continuum. I know I've used my "compass" metaphor in my ramblings here before. To reiterate, the length of the compass needle represents the intensity of one's sexual desire, and the direction it is pointing describes the orientation. My difficulty in determining the direction is largely due to the lack of intensity.

Now that I've read that article and browsed through some of the internet discussions about asexuality, I'm beginning to wonder if I've EVER really experienced "sexual attraction." I know I'm not comfortable with labeling what I feel towards guys "sexual attraction." I like looking at attractive guys, and often feel drawn toward interacting with them. But this is not accompanied by sexual fantasies or a desire to see them naked or do anything sexual with them. The same goes for girls. I actually had a drunk girl try to climb into bed with me fairly recently and I had no problem resisting (to be fair, I had to leave for an interview the next day, haha). I had no primal urges to speak of there either.

So I guess what I'm getting at . . . can anyone describe for me what sexual attraction feels like? I know I'm pretty much asking this to an almost empty room since not many know I'm (tentatively) starting this up again.

On a related note, I found this blog . . . thereisnocloset.blogspot.com Interesting blog from an asexual perspective.

B

Dusting it off and opening it back up

So, here I am a year later. I had fully committed to leave the blog behind me, though perhaps I was a little hasty. I think I was feeling the pressure to update and was a bit ashamed of the complete lack of forward progress that was going on as far as figuring things out. I was also under the stress of trying to decide on what to do with the rest of my life in other areas (i.e., career). Well, now I've made the decision to pursue grad school, and just spent a month visiting various schools for interviews. So, that's a huge weight off my shoulders.

I also just wanted to sit back and let life happen for a while, to see if my perspective changed at all. Reading my previous post, I find it a little humorous how confident I sounded that I had it all figured out. I think I just wanted to leave the blog with some feeling of closure. I wasn't necessarily being dishonest with myself. I do tend to flip flop a lot, I'll admit to that much. There are times when I feel pretty confident that I could have a relationship with a girl, if I could just find the right one. Other times I seriously doubt it. It is true, as I said in my previous post, that I find it easier to imagine myself in a relationship with a girl than with a guy, though how much of that is society-bred bias I don't know.

Attending the interviews this past month has been an interesting experience. I got to meet a whole lot of people in a short amount of time, something that I enjoy doing but don't get to experience that often. Most of the interviews involved staying in a hotel near the campus with a roommate. The first roommate I had was a very outgoing individual. After the first day of interviews he made a comment about how many cute girls there were among the recruits. Immediately after that he asked me straight up if I liked guys or girls (cue spike in heart rate, haha). He said my sexuality was hard to read. I told him girls. He then revealed that even though he likes girls, there was a time earlier in his life when he experimented with guys. He said it wasn't really based on attraction, but rather it was kind of an 'acting out' thing. Still, he said he had several gay friends. At this point I decided to do the unthinkable: I told him the truth. I told him that I am physically attracted to guys, but have also periodically had crushes on girls in the past. We talked about this for a while before he fell asleep (it had been a long day). That was the last we discussed it, but I couldn't believe how I had opened up to someone I had just met like that. Other than my mom and the counselor, he is the only other person in the world that I have spoken to about these things in person.

Another one of my roommates was a pretty attractive guy that I got along quite well with. I was shocked after I came home and found out through Facebook that he's gay (and has a bf). Since I was able to open up with my first roommate, I'm considering perhaps doing the same with this guy at some point, if we continue to be in contact.

At the end of one of my school visits I arrived at the airport 3 hours early. To kill some time I began browsing in a movie/music store and ended up chatting with the store clerk. I asked him about the city and told him about my academic pursuits. We got into a pretty good conversation. After I had bought some items he suggested I hang out a bit, since I still had a lot of free time. At this point the thought crossed my mind . . . could this guy be gay? Yes, I know, maybe he's just friendly. Well sure enough, shortly after he made sure to mention that he was, in fact, gay. We talked a while more before I decided to go get some lunch. After I had walked a ways down the hallway though, I realized what a shame it would be if I ended up moving to this city and had no way of reaching this guy. Moving to a strange new place would be a lot easier if I had some already established connections. So I actually went back to the store and asked the guy for his card. He wrote down his phone number and email address on a card and gave it to me. So I guess you could say I asked a guy for his number, haha. Now I'm leaning toward another school, but who knows, I may still send him a message, I don't know. You can never have too many friends.

Now that my interviews are over it's just a matter of waiting to hear from all the schools and making my decision about where to go. So my mind is free to think about other things. I can't guarantee I'm going to be continuing to update this blog, it really depends on 1) whether I have anything of note to report and or just vent about 2) whether I have some privacy (I'm currently sharing a room).

As far as where I see myself going at this point . . . I'm still not sure. It's a huge leap to identify as gay, especially for me since I've always been a rather conservative person (not religious, just conservatively mannered I guess). I am and have always been deeply concerned with what others think of me. The idea that a good portion of individuals would take an instant strong dislike of me for just one characteristic of my personality frightens me. Aside from those issues though, is the very real concern about whether I would be happy in a gay lifestyle, because in the end that's really what it's about.

Still, I'm feeling fairly optimistic right now. I'm on the verge of a transition in my life as I prepare to enter poverty . . . I mean, grad school. Once I get out of the town I've lived in for the past 8 years and to a big city there will be a lot more opportunities to explore. If an opportunity comes up to go out with a girl (or a guy), I might take it. Each experience is a chance to learn.