Ten years gone

Saturday night was my 10 year high school reunion. And Ben was my plus one.

I was a bit nervous of course, but as with most of these situations I like Ben so much that it really helps to relieve much of my anxiety. I didn't exactly go around introducing him to people as my boyfriend, but it became pretty obvious for everyone soon enough.

It couldn't have gone better. We got all sorts of compliments: "Your boyfriend is really cute," "You guys are so cute together," "I'm so happy you brought him!" I also got the inevitable "I had no idea you were gay!" My response: "I didn't either." Ha ha. Then there was the girl who decided to express her enthusiastic support for gay marriage. One girl shared her opinion that we seemed like we would be together for a long time, which was sweet. There was another gay guy there who was very happy that he wasn't the only one. He took the liberty of grinding up against both Ben and me on the dance floor. Not exactly my comfort zone but I sort of went with it, haha. Ben was a big hit. He's such a friendly, outgoing guy that he got along real well with everybody. And when he took to the dance floor to belt out Bon Jovi during karaoke time a bunch of girls joined him to dance. We also did a duet of "Under Pressure," with him doing the Freddie Mercury part and me doing the David Bowie part. So much fun. And now the cat is out of the bag with a good portion of my former classmates. I told him, "Because of you, I feel like I'm experiencing a level of popularity I never had in high school!"

In addition to that, we also spent time with some of my friends and family members. Ben finally got to meet Rick, who is one of my closest friends. They got along really well. We also went bike riding with my sister and her boyfriend, which was great. I think they both really liked Ben.

Overall it was (yet another) amazing weekend. We spent nearly every waking and sleeping hour together. And because of the holiday this week, it won't be long at all before I see him again. I will most likely drive to his place tomorrow night after work.

This weekend definitely made my comfort level go up dramatically.

Home by the sea

Another weekend down, another phenomenal time with Ben. He came down on Friday night and we went out to a local gay bar that I had never been to. It was the first time I'd been to a gay bar with him, and it was awesome being able to hold him and kiss him in public without being self-conscious.

Friday night was a bit of sexy time, and this time I tried to have more patience with myself. It paid off, I had a very good experience this time :)

Saturday Lance and Janice joined us and we went to a food and music festival. Many good times were had. Later on Ben's roommate came too. We rocked out to live music that took us back to the 90's, and then afterward we all went to see the movie "Prometheus." It was pretty good. The atmosphere was excellent and Logan Marshall-Green is hot, but some of the characters did some pretty stupid things that took me out of the movie a little bit.

Lance spent the night on Saturday, and Sunday him, Ben and I went to breakfast at a place I'd heard about (Jake the Aussie actually recommended it to me recently). It was great. Afterwards Lance went back home and my day alone with Ben kicked off. We had decided that I would take Ben on a tour of the area I grew up in, which is pretty close to where I live now. I grew up fairly close to the beach, hence the connection to the blog entry title :-)

We started off by driving by my old middle school, then went to my childhood neighborhood. On a whim I decided to go up to my old house's front door to see if the current owners would let us take a peek inside. To my surprise, the house was completely empty. I decided to take Ben into the backyard, which was a great idea. We could look in the windows at most of the rooms of the house, and I recounted numerous childhood memories. Last time I stood in that backyard, being in a gay relationship someday would have been the furthest thing from my mind. Now I can say I've kissed my boyfriend in the backyard where I spent countless hours.

The next destination was my high school (we drove by my elementary school on the way). I parked and led Ben through the school grounds. The school has had a number of additions since I graduated 10 years ago. I didn't even recognize certain areas. There was an event going on inside the main building, so we were able to go in and look around. We walked by the library where I used to hang out during lunch with my friends and eventually found a door that led into a completely new wing of the school. Going through the door, we came out into a courtyard surrounded by two stories of classrooms. It was very neat! It's amazing how much the school has improved. Once we had looked around the new wing, we walked to the nearest door which would lead back to the parking lot. Chained. We walked over to another one. Chained. Another one. Same thing. "Guess we have to go back the way we came," I said. We returned to the door that we had come from. It had locked behind us! "Oh no," I said, "We're trapped in my old high school!" We began to look for a way out, our pace quickening as we laughed at the ridiculousness of the situation. Finally I located a gate that had a place where I could put my foot which would allow me to climb over it. We scaled the gate and made it down to the other side. We had successfully broken out of my old high school. Phew!

After our great escape I took Ben to the park where I had many memories growing up. We walked all around the perimeter of the park, enjoying a garden path that had been added in recent years at one point. Throughout our walk I unfortunately was very conscious of participating in PDA while people were around. Eventually we came upon a secluded area where there was a log where we could sit. We sat there in the shade for a while, kissing and holding each other. Eventually we continued on our way. After the park we went to the mall so Ben could buy clothes for a wedding he's going to at the end of the week. While he was shopping I caught up with a friend on the phone who just had a birthday. During the conversation I told him about Ben. He was very happy for me. After the mall, I took Ben to my favorite childhood frozen yogurt place, then we finished the day by visiting where I went to college.

By the end of the day my voice was beginning to get hoarse. I was hoping it was due to singing at the festival concert and all of the talking. The last thing I want is for Ben to be sick for the wedding he's going to. He left to go back home and I spent the evening napping.

This morning I woke up feeling pretty bad. My throat was sore, my voice was crap, and I was super tired. I decided to stay home from work to recuperate. I texted Ben to warn him to take Vitamin C and zinc in order to ward off any virus I may have given him. He called back assuring me that he felt fine. He said he wanted to send me soup or something, but I didn't want him to get too distracted from his other responsibilities like work and preparing for the wedding. Then, this afternoon the doorbell rang. It was a delivery guy dropping off chicken noodle soup and Chamomile tea, courtesy of Ben!! 

I like him so much. I'm still working on integrating the gay thing into my self-concept, but weekends like this definitely help. And Lance and Janice were so awesome about it all. Ben complimented me on my choice of friends many times. I agree, I am so lucky :-)

Live to rise

This post titled in honor of "The Avengers" and its song, "Live to Rise," the first new song by Soundgarden since the mid-90s!!

I suppose it should also mean something . . . . perhaps my attempts to change my outlook on life and rise to new opportunities and challenges? Sure, that works.

I just got back from seeing "The Avengers," and it was really good. Any movie that has both Chris Hemsworth and Chris Evans in it has got to be though, haha. Just add Chris Pine and you'd have a triple threat of Hot Chris.

My three friends I went to see it with were Tom, Rick, and Philip, all of whom I have mentioned previously. They are the three close straight male friends that know about me. This is the first time I have hung out with all three of them since my secret was revealed. It was mostly like old times. Them talking about girls, me zoning out, haha. At one point Tom asked me about the movie and how I liked Chris Hemsworth in it. I said both were good. It kind of felt weird though. This was the first time I really felt like "the gay one." Because that's pretty much what I am now. Even though I didn't come out to anyone as saying "I'm gay" (rather "I'm figuring things out" or "I'm dating guys" or something along those lines) it's pretty apparent what the consensus is. Which makes me the one who still can't seem to come to terms enough to just identify that way. So afraid to close a door.

Meanwhile I'm feeling conflicted about the dating I'm doing. There's at least two guys who are into me and want to meet up again (including the one from Monday who emails me every day even though we've met just once so far, which makes me a little leery). However, I can't seem to get my mind off of Ben, and it makes it hard to maintain interest in anyone else. He's coming to town tomorrow to hang out, and I'm looking forward to it, but at the same time I'm trying to figure out what my next step should be.

On the one hand, there's the "go with the flow" advice that has largely come from you guys (and thanks again for all the advice).

On the other hand, there's my friend Janice, who suggested that if I stay in the Friend Zone for too much longer there may be no escaping it. She figures Ben should know by now whether he's interested in me or not, so I should make a move or risk losing the possibility of a romantic relationship.

That and a certain career-related step approaching in two weeks (alright, it's the MCAT, I signed up to take the MCAT) mean the pressure's starting to cook again.

I guess I'll just go with the flow tomorrow and look for any signs. If the right moment comes, it will come. This may be the last time I see Ben for nearly a month though. I'm taking the test in the Midwest and then going on a roadtrip with my parents, not to return until the end of the month.

We'll see if I can rise to the challenge.

Positive change

I had the first counseling session in 3 weeks earlier this evening. I talked about the many ways that my life has improved over the past couple of months. I feel more self-confident. I'm (a little) less concerned about what other people think. I'm more open to the idea of a same-sex relationship (if I find the right guy). I might even have a little more of a sex drive, hard to say. I'm ruminating less, less dominated by worries and negative thoughts. There's still a little bit of that, but it's better. I'm learning to forgive myself for my own shortcomings, and to accept myself for who I am. At the end of the session, the counselor said that she saw "a lot of growth" in me. I remember when I first started seeing her I was in a pretty bad place, and I anxiously awaited every session so I could load off what troubled me. I also felt like I had no one to talk to. Now, it's like I've got my old confidants back. My cousins, my friend, my mom, I've talked to them all about my sexuality issue and they have all been supportive. I think I'm going to reduce the frequency of my counselling sessions. Not sure if I'll completely stop just yet though, as I still have a ways to go.

One of the aspects of my personality that has most troubled me in my life so far is my self-consciousness. Especially in middle school and high school, I was overly concerned with how I was perceived by others. In middle school I was really into Star Wars. I had the action figures and video games, and I read a number of the books. That is, until I realized that it wasn't "cool" to like science fiction and fantasy. I was desperate not to fit the stereotype of a "nerd." So I stopped. In fact, I did the same thing in elementary school with Power Rangers. Once they weren't cool anymore, I gave them up (to my parents' frustration, since they had bought me some of the toys for Christmas). I even hid the boxes when people came over. In the first few years of high school this tendency to censor my own interests and personality put me in an awkward place. I wasn't an athlete, I wasn't popular, I wasn't a slacker, so I didn't fit into any of those cliques. I was smart, but because of my refusal to be labelled a nerd (which I probably was anyway), I didn't hang out with the people with more "nerdy" interests. Eventually I did find a group of friends in the later years of high school, largely due to our shared love of rock music (which I actually started listening to to give me something in common with people, good thing I actually loved it), but it was rough for a while.

I recognized this shortcoming at the time. In sophomore year of high school, we had an assignment to come up with a quote that really resonated with us. I chose this quote by Charles Schwab: "The man who trims himself to suit everybody will soon whittle himself away." I was definitely guilty of this. For fear of anyone not liking me, I preferred to fly below the radar. My low self-confidence led to me being a very quiet, shy individual. It's almost like I chose invisibility instead of risk rejection or ridicule. Throughout high school I fought against this in an effort to be more outgoing.

Now, because of my experiences in college and beyond, I no longer consider myself shy (though I will always naturally be an introvert). I have a level of self-confidence that I wish I had back then (though it could stand to be higher still). Suddenly I find myself doing things I would have never done before, like taking an improv acting class, performing with an a capella group, or singing and playing the guitar for patients in the hospital.

This was kind of a rambling post, but I just wanted to explore how I've changed over the years. Some people figure out their sexuality at a very young age, but as for me, I'm really not all that surprised that it has taken me so long to get this far, since I had other issues to deal with. One thing I'm trying to remind myself of though, is that life is not a race. We're all on our own journey, and all go at our own pace.

My guilty pleasure comes to an end

And now, a less serious post to complement the heavier one from earlier. I watched the last couple episodes of "The Real World DC." I feel kind of silly to admit it, but I found this season a little inspiring at times. Most of it came from Mike, whom I've mentioned before. He comes from a conservative background, but he identifies as bisexual and exudes such an admirable self-confidence. Not to mention he's extremely easy on the eyes. However, I also found myself relating to other people on the show as well. There was a girl named Erika who I largely couldn't stand, but when she was debating with herself about whether to leave the show or not, I couldn't help but be reminded of my grad school decision. She constantly flip flopped back and forth until her roommates didn't even believe a word she said anymore. At one point she even considered flipping a coin to decide (I admit, that thought crossed my mind at one point too). In the end, she chose to leave because she wasn't happy, and wanted to return to where she felt safe and comfortable. She stood to gain much more from staying, but she decided to cut and run instead. I'm feeling like giving up on the PhD at this point would be akin to doing that (at least, that's how I feel today, haha). It would be giving in to the impulses that define some of the aspects of my personality that I like least.

Overall, I think the reason I enjoy watching The Real World is because it stars people who are at the same stage of their lives as I am. Even though they tend to be a couple years younger than me and still in college, they are trying to figure out what they want to do for the rest of their lives, and what kind of people they want to be. It also reminds me that everyone is a little screwed up. Everyone has issues (some more than others, as is often the case on that show). And with that, I leave you with an image of Mike Manning. You're welcome, Aek. :-)

Back and forth

Well, the deadline for my decision has passed. The past month has been the most stressful month of my life. The weight of the decision I would have to make weighed on me all day, every day. The second I would wake up in the morning, I would instantly begin thinking about it again. My mind went back and forth repeatedly. Whenever I would think about the potential personal growth that could occur with the east coast move, as well as the interest in science that had brought me to this point to begin with, I would warm up to the idea of moving. Then, whenever my mind returned to the troubling aspects of academia and the uncertainty of that career path, I would freak out and plan to turn the offer down again.

Friday before the deadline week, I received an email from the chair of the program, checking in with me and offering to answer any questions I might have that could help me decide. I decided to reply with an honest email, explaining my apprehension about pursuing academia and asking about the possibility of deferring enrollment by a year (I figured it was a long shot). This led to a half hour conversation with her a few days before the deadline, where she shared with me her own experiences in academia, spoke about the program's opportunities to learn about alternative career paths, and most importantly, confirmed that deferral would, in fact, be a possibility. Better yet, I could accept the offer from the program and decide whether to defer until later. So, I accepted.

Unfortunately, this means drawing out my decision period. I think I needed the extra time, though. The rejection from my top choice really killed my self-confidence, and I think this was a big factor in my near abandonment of grad school. I know I wrote before that I don't want to enter grad school for the wrong reasons. Well, the same goes for potentially safer options like pharmacy and optometry school. If the interest in the work isn't there, it doesn't matter how "safe" the option is.

So where I stand now: I need to decide whether to 1. start the program in September. 2. Defer to give myself more time to decide if this is what I should do (with the disadvantage being, of course, pushing it back again) 3. Give it up and find a different path to pursue. They say that when looking back at your life you're more likely to regret what you didn't do, rather than what you did do. So, I am once again leaning towards going through with it.

I'm really seeing a theme in all these crises of mine. My indecisiveness seems to stem from a fear of commitment. I love having options, and hate the idea of choosing one path at the expense of others. I seem to prefer standing and looking at all of the open doors rather than choosing one and letting the others close. I'm really going to have to learn to make a choice and live with it.

New trajectory

I generally have considered the sexual orientation confusion and career doubts of the past couple years to be the defining issues of my so-called "quarter life crisis." Well, the latter definitely came to a head over the last two weeks, spurned on by the UCLA rejection. Having the only acceptance come from an east coast school, I decided to look more closely at how badly I really wanted the Ph.D. I realized that part of the reason I wanted to go to UCLA so much was that I still had not fully committed to the idea of a career in research/academia. The fact that it was the best program for my interests was a factor sure, and a convenient justification for my preference. But really, I wanted to be able to pursue the Ph.D. without having to disrupt my life too much. If later on I decided I did in fact want to pursue a career in academia, then I could commit to the uncertainty and moving around that would be involved at that point. Basically, low risk in the short term, and then I'd make the higher risk decisions later.

The UCLA rejection (coupled with rejections from most of the other programs I interviewed at) has forced me to do some serious soul-searching. After reading a lot more about the Ph.D. track online and talking to people, I'm now realizing that I just might not be well suited to the academic life. The level of uncertainty in that career path terrifies me. The idea of having to move from post-doc position to post-doc position, applying to faculty jobs alongside hundreds of other applicants, having to move to some random location in the country because it's the only place you can get a job, having to constantly apply for grants to secure funding, and worrying about whether or not you're going to receive tenure . . . I've realized these are stresses that I REALLY don't want to put up with. For a while I just figured they'd be things I'd get used to, that every career path has its own stresses. But now I'm thinking those particular stresses would especially bother me. I know that not everyone who gets a Ph.D. goes into academia, but it IS the most prominent option, and I don't really see the point of starting down that road having already decided that I don't want to be a professor. I wish these things had occurred to me before. . . and I admit the doubts have been recurring for several years now. For some reason I had blinders on until now. Once again, introspection only gets you so far. Sometimes it takes some kind of external stimulus to snap you out of your mindset.

So the last couple weeks has been a mad scramble to try to figure out a Plan B before the time comes for me to officially turn down the offer. I gave med school another look. Nope. Didn't appeal to me before, still doesn't. I looked at law school. They allow applicants from all different majors, so all I'd have to do is take the LSAT. But . . . I never really had much interest in being a lawyer. Physicians assistant? Good pay and more normal hours than a physician, but I'm not sure I'd like direct patient care no matter how many hours I'm on the job.

So now my mind has settled on pharmacy school. Being a pharmacist seems to have characteristics that might suit me. You have to be good at science, and it involves an aspect of science education (teaching others about medications, their uses, their interactions, and how to incorporate them into a healthy lifestyle). In addition, it has a lot of the characteristics that I felt were lacking from academia, namely, better job security, mobility, and higher compensation. I talked to a pharmacist the other day for a while, and she said it was a good profession. She warned me that it is a high stress job, which often involves having to make important decisions in distracting environments. However, I think I could handle that kind of stress better than the kind of stress that comes with a research career.

The problem: PharmD programs require some prerequisites that I haven't taken. Which means . . . I'd have to take more classes first. It seems like a pain, especially since I could just accept the offer and start graduate school in the fall. But . . . in the long run I just don't think I'd be happy.

It's a tough time, but in a way it's liberating to realize that I'm not stuck on the path I was on. A part of me realizes that plenty of people would love to have an acceptance into a Ph.D. program, and would say I'm a fool for planning to turn it down, especially at such a good school. However, I think the foolish thing would be to go into grad school for the wrong reasons. It wouldn't matter if it was the best school in the world . . . if I don't think I'm going to be happy in the career that results.

I'm also being careful not to make any hasty decisions. I'm going to give myself the entire time they're allowing me to accept or reject the offer. I want to make sure this isn't just the rejection talking, haha. If I still feel this way when the time comes . . . I'll turn them down.

You can't always get what you want

Having finished graduate school interviews up in February, I've been really excited to get the word back from all the programs so I could make my decision. My top choice by far was UCLA. They had the best program/faculty/resources for what I wanted to do, plus it's in So Cal so I wouldn't have to move that far and I could still be near my family and friends. I LOVED my experience there during the recruitment weekend, and I felt like all of my interviews went really well (something I couldn't say about all the schools I visited). One professor even seemed eager to advocate for me, saying he was going to email a couple of people on the admissions committee and tell them "they had to admit me." Suffice it to say, I was feeling very confident and had begun to make plans in my mind about what the next five years would be like in Los Angeles.

And then . . . I opened my email on Monday to receive A REJECTION. I was absolutely devastated. Here I had successfully gotten an interview at my dream school and come off of it feeling like I'd done a great job (and they told us 75% of the interviewees would be accepted so I had little reason to worry) and this happens. The past couple days I have been in a funk the likes of which I have never experienced before. On top of that I got sick, probably something I caught at the party over the weekend. So I'm home from work today trying to recover, both physically and mentally/emotionally. I am feeling a little better in all ways, though. I did get one acceptance (out of nine applications, geez) out of state. On the east coast. It's still a good school, just not quite as strong in the specific area I was interested in. I admit, the possibility of turning it down and reapplying to UCLA next year has crossed my mind. On the other hand, there's no guarantee I'd do any better next year, and I might not even get an interview (it's probably only going to get more competitive, especially in CA with all the budget cuts) I have a month to decide, so I have a lot of thinking to do. The thought of leaving my friends and family behind on the west coast pains me, but it might be good for me to get far out of my comfort zone. We'll see.

Dusting it off and opening it back up

So, here I am a year later. I had fully committed to leave the blog behind me, though perhaps I was a little hasty. I think I was feeling the pressure to update and was a bit ashamed of the complete lack of forward progress that was going on as far as figuring things out. I was also under the stress of trying to decide on what to do with the rest of my life in other areas (i.e., career). Well, now I've made the decision to pursue grad school, and just spent a month visiting various schools for interviews. So, that's a huge weight off my shoulders.

I also just wanted to sit back and let life happen for a while, to see if my perspective changed at all. Reading my previous post, I find it a little humorous how confident I sounded that I had it all figured out. I think I just wanted to leave the blog with some feeling of closure. I wasn't necessarily being dishonest with myself. I do tend to flip flop a lot, I'll admit to that much. There are times when I feel pretty confident that I could have a relationship with a girl, if I could just find the right one. Other times I seriously doubt it. It is true, as I said in my previous post, that I find it easier to imagine myself in a relationship with a girl than with a guy, though how much of that is society-bred bias I don't know.

Attending the interviews this past month has been an interesting experience. I got to meet a whole lot of people in a short amount of time, something that I enjoy doing but don't get to experience that often. Most of the interviews involved staying in a hotel near the campus with a roommate. The first roommate I had was a very outgoing individual. After the first day of interviews he made a comment about how many cute girls there were among the recruits. Immediately after that he asked me straight up if I liked guys or girls (cue spike in heart rate, haha). He said my sexuality was hard to read. I told him girls. He then revealed that even though he likes girls, there was a time earlier in his life when he experimented with guys. He said it wasn't really based on attraction, but rather it was kind of an 'acting out' thing. Still, he said he had several gay friends. At this point I decided to do the unthinkable: I told him the truth. I told him that I am physically attracted to guys, but have also periodically had crushes on girls in the past. We talked about this for a while before he fell asleep (it had been a long day). That was the last we discussed it, but I couldn't believe how I had opened up to someone I had just met like that. Other than my mom and the counselor, he is the only other person in the world that I have spoken to about these things in person.

Another one of my roommates was a pretty attractive guy that I got along quite well with. I was shocked after I came home and found out through Facebook that he's gay (and has a bf). Since I was able to open up with my first roommate, I'm considering perhaps doing the same with this guy at some point, if we continue to be in contact.

At the end of one of my school visits I arrived at the airport 3 hours early. To kill some time I began browsing in a movie/music store and ended up chatting with the store clerk. I asked him about the city and told him about my academic pursuits. We got into a pretty good conversation. After I had bought some items he suggested I hang out a bit, since I still had a lot of free time. At this point the thought crossed my mind . . . could this guy be gay? Yes, I know, maybe he's just friendly. Well sure enough, shortly after he made sure to mention that he was, in fact, gay. We talked a while more before I decided to go get some lunch. After I had walked a ways down the hallway though, I realized what a shame it would be if I ended up moving to this city and had no way of reaching this guy. Moving to a strange new place would be a lot easier if I had some already established connections. So I actually went back to the store and asked the guy for his card. He wrote down his phone number and email address on a card and gave it to me. So I guess you could say I asked a guy for his number, haha. Now I'm leaning toward another school, but who knows, I may still send him a message, I don't know. You can never have too many friends.

Now that my interviews are over it's just a matter of waiting to hear from all the schools and making my decision about where to go. So my mind is free to think about other things. I can't guarantee I'm going to be continuing to update this blog, it really depends on 1) whether I have anything of note to report and or just vent about 2) whether I have some privacy (I'm currently sharing a room).

As far as where I see myself going at this point . . . I'm still not sure. It's a huge leap to identify as gay, especially for me since I've always been a rather conservative person (not religious, just conservatively mannered I guess). I am and have always been deeply concerned with what others think of me. The idea that a good portion of individuals would take an instant strong dislike of me for just one characteristic of my personality frightens me. Aside from those issues though, is the very real concern about whether I would be happy in a gay lifestyle, because in the end that's really what it's about.

Still, I'm feeling fairly optimistic right now. I'm on the verge of a transition in my life as I prepare to enter poverty . . . I mean, grad school. Once I get out of the town I've lived in for the past 8 years and to a big city there will be a lot more opportunities to explore. If an opportunity comes up to go out with a girl (or a guy), I might take it. Each experience is a chance to learn.

Testing, 1 2 3

So this is just a little experiment, at least for now. I need to feel like I’m making progress, and starting this blog seems like it might be at least somewhat productive. I have no idea how often I will feel like updating this thing, nor how long I’ll stick with it. Seems pretty common for people to quit these things quite suddenly. I’ve had a blog before, but it devolved into a “What did I do today?” type of thing. The lack of anonymity meant that I was always censoring myself until what was left was pretty boring (as if this blog will have you on the edge of your seat, haha). So now I’m trying an anonymous blog, at least for a little while, to try to sort through some things. Not the most original idea, but worth a try.

I’m going to just go by B for now. I am at a time of my life that some call the quarter-life crisis. I graduated from college a year ago and am now working my first full time job to make some money and get some experience before grad school. I am in the midst of trying to figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life. I’m hoping I will be surer by the end of the year, when I’m going to want to be applying to programs.

The main source of confusion and stress is my sexuality. I have never had a girlfriend, nor have I been on a single date. I only sort of asked out a girl once but it never panned out (she only agreed to hang out on a non-date since she was already seeing someone, then she flaked out on me). Pretty much since the beginning of college I've had an ever-growing suspicion that I might have an attraction to guys. In hindsight the attraction goes farther back. Fortunately I was not raised in a particularly religious environment, which would make it a lot harder to admit these things to myself. My family is still rather conservative though, especially on my dad’s side, which makes me nervous about the possibilities down the road. I’ve had crushes on girls before, but looking back it was never really based on physical attraction. I usually have to get to know a girl first before I get a “crush”. With guys on the other hand I tend to notice the attractive ones based on physical appearance alone. My only current “crush” happens to be a guy (that I’ve never talked to). I think a part of me is hoping against hope that I may be just far enough toward the heterosexual side of the Kinsey Scale to live a "normal" life. This article I came across discouraged me though . . . Shows how self-denial never helps anybody.

Well that’s enough for now. We’ll see how long it takes before I regret doing this and change my mind (I tend to second guess myself a lot, a very bad habit). Anyways I definitely do not plan on limiting this blog to that one topic. Lighter fare is always a good thing. Until next time.