Better living through chemistry

Okay, get ready because this entry is a monster. I tried not to censor myself too much, so it gets a little depressing. I do try to end it on a more positive note, though.

Well, there's always that dark side to getting back into dating after a break-up. The risk of further rejection. I texted Kenny today about the prospect of going hiking on Sunday as we discussed. His response: "Hey man, you seem like a really nice and caring guy, but I've met someone else that I think I have better chemistry with, so I'm going to have to bail on Sunday."

Fucking chemistry!!! These people have no patience for relationship building, all they want is instant gratification! It's not my fault that it takes me a while to really open up and get comfortable with somebody! Well, even then I fail at chemistry. But let's not beat that dead horse.

Speaking of which, guess who I'm planning to get together with for dinner on Sunday? No, not him . . . None other than the infamous Jake the Australian. The poster child for the "no spark" text message rejection, haha. Not a date or anything. I emailed him since it had been a while and he suggested we meet up. Really nice guy, that Jake. I haven't seen him since we saw "Cabin in the Woods" together nearly a year ago. We've emailed back and forth a bit since then, and he had mentioned getting together so he could meet Ben, but that never materialized. It will be good to see him again. We've both had breakups since then, although his was after only 3 months (and was incidentally another guy I went out with from that dating website, small world).

Now that Kenny is out of the picture, I only have a couple of prospects. One is a really nice guy that I have been corresponding with for quite some time. I'll call him Jeff. He seems really cool, the only major downside is since he's not out at work (he's a teacher) he didn't have a face pic up. Hopefully I'll find him attractive when we meet. I guess this will be a test of how shallow I am, haha.

Another guy I've been corresponding with is Nathan. I'm a little wary about him though. Number one, he's 33, the other end of my acceptable age range. Number two, he texts me a lot. Which wouldn't be all that bad if he had something to say. Problem is it's a constant barrage of "good morning", "how are you", "how was your night", followed by fairly undescriptive answers when I ask him back That's been going on for a while, without him making an attempt to coordinate a meet up. Finally I texted back "So . . . we've been texting for quite a while. Did you want to meet up or something?" Ha ha, a little blunt of me, but it was getting a little irritating. I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, though. Someone's gotta be willing to do that sometimes.

One or two other people that I've conversed with a bit on the dating website, but the conversation is limited. And the one who seems the most interested also lives quite far away. Like, farther than Ben. Which I'd rather not do.

I'd love to report that my mind is in a better place. It's not. I'd love to say that the dating I've been doing has been helping me move on from Ben. It's not. In fact I'd say today I felt just about the worst I've felt. The last several guys that I've messaged, some of whom I really seemed to have a good amount in common with, never responded. After getting rejected by Kenny for the same old tired reason and browsing more profiles on the dating website, I was feeling really down on myself. My career is stalled while all of these other guys my age are either in or graduated from professional or grad school. I took so freaking long to decide what I want to do (and am still wavering a bit) that now I feel totally behind the pack. Now, I know a dating profile is obviously going to be painted with a very rosy brush (heck, I remember when I first read Ben's profile . . . a teacher who loves his job? not quite . . . not to mention the whole straight thing now). But still, everyone just seems so confident. I was well on my way to building such confidence with Ben, but now that's been shattered. I also am, for the first time since meeting Ben, resenting my sexuality. And I don't just mean the low sex drive part. I mean the affinity for guys. Ben had me not only accepting, but being proud to be in a gay relationship. Not just because I loved him so much, but because he was someone that I could talk to about hot guys I saw. Someone I could discuss gay rights with. Now a part of me wishes I could take all that coming out crap back. My happiness with him was the only reason I was able to do it in the first place. Not having the drive to have sex makes me feel like a pretender going out with guys, and I'm sure I would feel just as much of a pretender going out with girls. So if I have to fake it regardless, why not just fake it with girls? But if I tried to date girls now I would find myself with the same uphill battle that Ben is facing. What girl would date a guy who just got out of a gay relationship?

The other reason I'm down is I realize I'm still so hung up on Ben. I can't get it out of my head how happy I was, and how happy he was at the beginning. And this makes me question whether all of those people are right. I was so determined to prove the naysayers wrong, to show that you can have a friendship with an ex after being dumped . . . well I have hope it will happen eventually. I just fear it will be a lot longer than I wanted. Which sucks because I could really use all of the close friends I can get now. He arguably became my best friend over the course of the last year, but now I can't so much as text him without making him freak out. Plus, doing so would violate the sacred Rules of Getting Over a Break-Up. Though I do value what we had, and I am glad that I've actually had a relationship now, and I did learn a lot . . . part of me wishes that I hadn't gotten greedy. That I had just accepted it when he rejected me the first time. Because if I can only have one or the other I think I would rather have a lifelong friend than an eight month relationship.

Okay, two paragraphs of doom and gloom. I hate being that guy. No one will want to read this blog anymore if I'm too much of a Debbie Downer, haha. So . . . things to be thankful for!

I am thankful for my friendship with Tom. I had dinner with him earlier this evening. We talked about the way I'm feeling about the break up, and how I feel like it had more to do with Ben's psychological and emotional issues rather than any real incompatibility or lack of chemistry between us. I spoke about my jealousy of a couple of my gay friends, who have managed to find lasting relationships while mine fizzled. Tom was very understanding. He went through a very tough breakup back in 2009, and I was there to witness the aftermath. It wasn't pretty. He gave me very encouraging words and advice. He's definitely won me over lately. I used to be on the fence about him. Basically felt a major emotional asymmetry in our friendship that I long felt guilty for (Ben dared to throw this at me during our last conversation, cheap shot). Now I feel like I've connected with him in a way that I was never able to before. Maybe my heartbreak gives us that one more thing in common we needed, haha.

I am thankful for my friendship with Janice. I had dinner with her the other night. She also spoke about her previous break up, and how long it took her to get over (well, she's still not entirely over it). She also made me feel better about Ben's behavior. She acknowledged that his email was a bit rude, but she pointed out that he didn't know whether my limited attempts at contact were the start of a barrage. I told her he should know me better than that. Her response: "He doesn't know Break-Up Cal." Touche. So, my anger at the email has faded.

I am thankful for my relationships with all the other people that have helped me through this time. My mom, my cousins, my friends Rick, Philip, Lance and Nina, You-Tube Guy, El Genio and the other bloggers who read this and leave advice (especially fan of casey, your words of wisdom never fail to make me feel better and I thank you for that), penpal Mike . . . the list goes on. Even when worries surface that I will be alone, I can think of all of the love and support I have in my life and feel a little less lonely.

I will leave you with a Dr. Seuss quote that penpal Mike emailed me: "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." I will try.

Smash!!!

Be warned . . . Angry SoCalRockFan has been unleashed!!

I was feeling pretty good for most of the day. I thought to myself, "Well, I'm definitely out of the Denial Stage. And even though I'm still bouncing between Sadness and Anger, they're a little weaker each time. I'm making progress!" So I got home and started browsing on a dating site to take a look for any prospects. I don't think I'm quite ready to meet up with anyone, but I just wanted to look. As I looked I began to get sadder and sadder. "Wow, Ben's so much better looking than most of these guys. Man, some of these guys sound like they have very little in common with me. God, I miss Ben. Aw man, how come all the most interesting guys are so far from my area? Well I'd commute if they were worth it. Like Ben." And then it hit me. KAPOW! Ben's face. Staring at me from a shiny new profile, with the words "Online Now". I resisted the urge to click on it (he'd be able to tell). Instead I buried my face in my bed covers and cried for the first time in a week. Not as hard . . . not as long . . . but still I cried. And not just the sadness returned. The anger returned too. I cussed him out, calling him cold, uncaring, heartless . . . accusing him of being out on the prowl for another guy's heart to break. No wonder the turn around between him telling me about his problems and him dumping me was so quick, he couldn't wait to get back out there!

Why this emotional reaction? Perhaps it was the simple realization that he was back out on the market again, lost to me. Or perhaps it was a feeling of betrayal, since he had told me he was going to focus on career right now and didn't seem to be in a hurry to resume dating. Or maybe it was because I had finally started to come to terms with the break-up by convincing myself that Ben was simply not at the stage of maturity where he was ready for a long-term relationship (well, that's still probably true). Maybe my anger is simply due to the fact that the finality of the breakup is confirmed, like finding an obituary in the paper after you heard from someone that your good friend has died.

And I see his profile carries the label "bisexual." He had mentioned that the thought of dating girls again had crossed his mind. Not to come across as biphobic . . . but this experience has made me a little leery of dating bisexual guys. I feel like he used me for dating experience and then jettisoned me when my usefulness had expired. This is exactly why I wanted to figure out whether I wanted guys or girls before getting into a serious relationship, so I wouldn't do this to somebody.

Of course, I was on the site browsing too. But I already had the profile from a year ago. I have no intention to go on dates anytime soon. I'm pretty sure Ben didn't use that particular site before. In fact, I am probably the one who told him about it. So he just made a brand new profile, a week and a half after breaking up with his boyfriend of nearly 9 months. I assume he at least waited until then! Not that he has any healing to do.

Now is my anger rational? Maybe not. He's single, he has every right to be on that site. And so he fibbed about wanting to focus on work for a while . . . or he changed his mind. What was he supposed to say, "Well SoCal, I plan to immediately return to dating so I can find someone better." And yes, it's a safe bet that he's not hurting too much over the loss of our relationship. After all, he had several months of waning feelings to prepare himself for it. Be careful guys, this one's a fickle one!

I really do feel like a recovering addict. I just fell off the wagon so now I have to climb back up. At this point a friendship with Ben seems a lot harder to pull off than it did initially . . . although I really want it to work out. BUT, I only want it to if HE actually wants it. And right now I have no idea how he feels about me. I feel like the last several months were all a lie. I know he "admires" me, but I don't know if he "likes" me. I don't know if he'd miss me at all if he never heard from me again. I guess I just feel totally rejected, and even though he said he wants to be friends, I'm not sure whether to believe it. Heck, I believed all that "I love you" nonsense which HE instigated (hope he learns to throw those words around with more caution in the future . . . hard to believe he really meant it if we didn't have any "chemistry"). And . . . I'm not sure how painful it will be for me to try to be friends with him. I know if it can work it's going to have to be a slow, gradual process. I guess I'll just have to take it a step at a time, after at least a couple more weeks of zero contact.

Ugh, sorry for the anger fest. I'm just sick of hurting! Suddenly the lyrics of something like 50% of popular music make so much more sense to me. I'm so angry at the guy, but I miss him so much! I feel like a piece of myself was ripped out and the wound is slowly healing. I just need to learn to stop picking at the scab. Eeew . . . okay that's a gross metaphor.

Against all odds

The slog continues. Ben's best friend and his husband (yep, a gay married couple, you would think Ben would have consulted them about his gay relationship troubles, but nope) had sent me a Christmas gift (so thoughtful!!), so I sent a Facebook message to thank them and wish them well. Surprisingly, Ben's friend didn't already know about the breakup. Well, he does now. You're welcome, Ben. One less awkward conversation you need to have. Don't worry, I didn't say anything judgmental, I just acknowledged that it's over and we hope to still be friends. I definitely have some things to work through first, though.

I can't help but ruminate about the relationship to try to figure out what made Ben fall out of love with me. Memories flood back of Ben calling me "a treasure" as we lay cuddled on his bed, of Ben's best friend messaging me and saying Ben was "so happy," of Ben saying in an online chat how I was so good to him and how he wanted to kiss me and hold my face. Impressive act he put on for someone with whom he supposedly had no chemistry. Yeah, I know I'm bitter about that whole "no chemistry" thing. Well, I think part of the problem was I had a different understanding of the word. To me, "chemistry" is when two people get along swimmingly, when they have a bunch of common interests and never run out of things to talk about, when they can make each other laugh and are comfortable around each other. To me that describes Ben and I quite accurately, so of course I was offended when Ben suggested he didn't feel it from the beginning. But I guess he was using the word more in the sense of a romantic "spark" (and you all know how I hate that word). That elusive spark is hard to ignite, and even harder to keep burning. The latter is where I fear I failed. I'm afraid I got lazy . . . complacent. Possible moments of guilt jump out of my memory like angry wasps from a burning nest. How poetic of me.

Let's see what Dictionary.com has to say about chemistry:

chem·is·try

  [kem-uh-stree]

noun, plural chem·is·tries.

1.

the science that deals with the composition and properties of substances and various elementary forms of matter. Compare element (  def 2 ) .

2.

chemical properties, reactions, phenomena, etc.: the chemistry of carbon.

3.

the interaction of one personality with another: The chemistry between him and his boss was all wrong.

4.

sympathetic understanding; rapport: the astonishing chemistry between the actors.

5.

any or all of the elements that make up something: the chemistry of love.

My understanding of chemistry between two people is usually a mixture of 3 and 4 above. But Ben must have been talking about # 5.

I guess I'm kind of feeling like its "me against all odds" right now. It takes me years to finally admit and accept my attractions to guys and start dating despite doubts about my sex drive, I find a guy that surpasses my expectations in every way, and he doesn't want me (or more like he doesn't want me, then he does, then he doesn't again). It takes me years to finally work up the interest, courage and self-confidence to apply to med school, and no school accepts me. And at the same time, I feel guilty for complaining about any of this, because I'm fortunate in so many ways its not even funny (that's the beauty of a blog, you can be as bitter as you wanna be).

I went browsing on OkCupid and Match, but it's waaaay too soon to do that without pain. I can't help but compare everyone to Ben. They don't fare very well. It is worrisome to me that I don't find many of the guys on there appealing. I ran into the same issue a year ago. One reason why Ben stood out so much. The old sex drive concerns are resurfacing again too. I felt really fortunate to find someone for whom my low drive was not an issue (allegedly at least . . . maybe it was?).

Not to say he's perfect (obviously, haha). But his imperfections just made him more attractive in my eyes (guess that's what love will do). Yeah, I said it to him many times but I'll finally declare it on this blog. I loved that guy!

Oh well. I'd better learn to unlove him real fast if a friendship is ever going to work. I've experienced a friendship with unrequited feelings before, and it was definitely an emotional strain. I spoke about it once or twice in this blog, but don't make me go look, haha. I'm friends with that guy now, but the feelings are long gone. Mostly because I learned the guy was a massive flake.

Hmm, there's an idea. What do you think? Should I focus on Ben's negative attributes (hasty decision-making, perhaps? ) in order to get over him and allow us to continue on as friends? I don't want to demonize him, of course. That would be quite counter-productive. I just want to emphasize his flaws so he does not seem like quite such an attractive partner. Because right now all I can think of him as is the most generous, optimistic, caring, friendly person I have ever known.

I'm a sap.

New skin

It's still a bit of a struggle to get comfortable in my skin with this whole gay thing. Over the last couple days I made a couple rather scary steps. First, I invited Ben to be my plus one at my 10-year high school reunion at the end of the month. I had been on the fence about whether I was ready to go with him. In the end I decided to take the plunge because a) I figured it would help with my comfort level, b) not many of the people who are going to be there are people I was that close to, so I think I'd have more fun if he's with me and c) it would be awkward to make him go do something else during that time, since he undoubtedly will be in town that weekend.

The second big step requires a bit of set-up.

I found out how I did on the MCAT yesterday. I got a 30, which is pretty much the minimum score that would be considered "competitive." Hopefully that, my high undergrad GPA, and my experiences in research since graduation will be a winning combo. Anyways, to reward myself I decided to sign up for another round of improv class. It's the same instructor as last time, and as before he is fond of going around the room and asking people about their lives, to get a sense of who they are. He often gets pretty personal, asking about dating and relationships. Last class I just kinda dodged my way through the questions, but I didn't want to be made to feel awkward this time around. Fortunately this time a guy who went before me was gay himself, and the instructor asked him a lot about his coming out process. That made me feel emboldened, since I wouldn't be the token gay guy in the class, so when it came to be my turn I spilled my guts. I talked about how taking the improv classes had improved my confidence and allowed me to start dating, and how the person I was dating was a guy. That led to a running joke where the next person was always asked "So, when did you come out?" It was cool, everyone was supportive. Only one person in the class was someone I already knew, and I think he was a bit surprised by the revelation. I also revealed to them that this was the very first time I had come out to a group . . . always before it had been in one-on-one settings.

I'm hoping that the more I come out the more I'll feel comfortable identifying as gay. Because I really don't know what other way this is going to go. I can't make myself feel any more gay, but I can't make myself be more attracted to girls either. I just wish sooo much that I had a stronger sex drive! Ben and I have done things a couple times, yes, and it was enjoyable, but I just don't experience the desire to have sex like other people do. It allows my ever-questioning mind to constantly cast doubt on my feelings, even when it seems the evidence is solid. Ben being out of town for so long doesn't help. I really want him to come back, because being with him is really the only thing that's going to make this feeling go away. Being with him takes me out of my head, out of my doubt, and allows me to enjoy the moment.

I spoke to YouTube guy a couple days ago. I feel like I can relate to him more than just about anyone, since he he's also an over-thinker and has experienced confusion about which way to go as well. However, he's currently in a pretty serious relationship with a guy he's been seeing for 3 months, and it sounds like he's pretty happy. He definitely sounds less conflicted than before. Maybe I'll try to follow his lead. He also mentioned the possibility of coming to CA with his BF at some point, which would be awesome. Double date anyone?

I just went and took down my Match.com profile (well, I made it invisible until the subscription runs out). I noticed that Ben still has his profile, with last activity two weeks ago. I hope he's not still looking! Haha, uh oh, careful there, can't become the jealous type.

The other side

Okay, this blog is supposed to tell the whole story and not just the happy parts. Now that I've found a great guy I find myself censoring myself again, just like before. I even thought about sharing the blog with him, but I think he would understand if I kept it to myself.

I sure have depicted things as unambiguously rosy thus far. It's true, I love spending time with Ben and I still can't believe I found such a great guy whom I have so much in common with. But lately I've been plagued with the ol' enemy: obsessive doubt. This is probably the most confident I've felt that I'm on the OCD spectrum.

It seems that my flavor of OCD is the "pure obsessional" variety, which does not included the usual "compulsions" that one usually thinks of (cleaning, straightening, checking, etc.) Instead, my compulsions are in my head and take the form of ruminating and mental checking. There seems to be two major themes, which I took here from http://www.ocdla.com/obsessionalOCD.html. However for the first one, replace "recurrent fears that one might be a homosexual" with "recurrent fears that one might be straight." Because apparently HOCD can affect gay people too.

• recurrent fears that one might be a homosexual, when in fact he or she is not (sometimes called "gay ocd" or "sexual orientation OCD" or "homosexual OCD" or "HOCD")
• repeatedly worrying that one does not actually love his/her partner, or is not with the "right" person (sometimes called "relationship OCD" or "ROCD")

 Basically, it seems that one of the hallmarks of someone with OCD is that they cannot stand uncertainty. It was the uncertainty of the future that caused my career crisis in 2010-2011, and it has been the uncertainty of my sexual orientation that led to this blog. Most people are able to shrug off life's many uncertainties. For people with OCD, it's much harder. All the evidence points to me being predominantly gay. I check out guys way more than girls. I've had crushes on dudes. I'm IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A GUY. And have done sexual things with him. And liked it (well, minus the performance anxiety part). I enjoy cuddling with him, holding him, laying in bed with him. But I still can't shake the doubts. 

The silver lining: when I'm with Ben, the doubts subside. I'm able to enjoy the moment. He has a calming effect on me. I even told him as much the other day. I told him I've been having some OCD issues lately, but I didn't specify the themes and suggested it was mostly due to anxiety about my upcoming test results (which is certainly a contributing factor).

I think part of what is feeding it is that Ben keeps telling me about how I'm such a remarkable person, how I'm amazing, how he's told all his family and friends about me and they can tell from his voice how much he likes me. I feel guilt because I really never definitively resolved my sexual orientation confusion. This online dating project was part of the process, and then I ended up meeting Ben. I'm just so worried about not being able to reciprocate the level of feeling, especially in the sexual realm. At the same time I also don't want to lose him. My life really has improved since he came into it.

Anyways, this is what I'm dealing with now. Ben's out of town for a week and a half so I will try to keep it together until he comes back. It sucks with him living so far that I can only really see him on weekends.

Ramblin' man

A little mid-week ramble.

The date with Conner on Sunday was good. It poured down rain but luckily this one wasn't a hike! We had lunch at chatted. The level of initial attraction I felt with Ben wasn't there, but he was good-looking enough and seemed nice so I was up for meeting up again. I texted him the next day but he never responded. He was always very responsive to texts before. Hmm.

The guy that my friend Rick mentioned ain't gonna happen. Rick figured as much after finding out more about him. Apparently he's already seeing someone, and has two kids. Ha ha ha . . . no.

The last two days I was feeling extremely down again, for the first time in a while. The doubts and conflicts came back full force, with me questioning whether this is really what I should be doing. A visit to the good ol' psychologist today helped a bit, as did talking to a friend and my cousin. Both of them pretty much were arguing in favor of me being gay, or at least having the potential to have a real relationship with a guy. My friend Janice's argument: I wouldn't even be comfortable being on a date with a guy if this weren't a path I could go down. My counterargument: well, so far the dates with all four guys have pretty much been indistinguishable from hanging out with a new friend. I have yet to cross the intimacy barrier and initiate any kind of physical contact (I was hoping to do so with Ben on Saturday but . . . well the date didn't end as expected).  My cousin's argument: he reminded me of how excited I had sounded when telling him about the guys that I liked (Jake and Ben), and he also recalled me saying how I hadn't really experienced much physical attraction to girls. Physical attraction is important, he says. Okay, not much to argue with there.

I went to the gym with Rick tonight and he told me about his experience on Saturday going out to bars with former coworkers and their friends. One friend was the aforementioned guy that he had considered introducing me to. The guy wanted to go to a gay bar, so the group (including Rick) went to one. Apparently Rick had quite a bit of luck with a girl there, haha. So he straight up offered to go with me to a gay bar sometime, which I thought was pretty awesome of him.

Positive change

I had the first counseling session in 3 weeks earlier this evening. I talked about the many ways that my life has improved over the past couple of months. I feel more self-confident. I'm (a little) less concerned about what other people think. I'm more open to the idea of a same-sex relationship (if I find the right guy). I might even have a little more of a sex drive, hard to say. I'm ruminating less, less dominated by worries and negative thoughts. There's still a little bit of that, but it's better. I'm learning to forgive myself for my own shortcomings, and to accept myself for who I am. At the end of the session, the counselor said that she saw "a lot of growth" in me. I remember when I first started seeing her I was in a pretty bad place, and I anxiously awaited every session so I could load off what troubled me. I also felt like I had no one to talk to. Now, it's like I've got my old confidants back. My cousins, my friend, my mom, I've talked to them all about my sexuality issue and they have all been supportive. I think I'm going to reduce the frequency of my counselling sessions. Not sure if I'll completely stop just yet though, as I still have a ways to go.

One of the aspects of my personality that has most troubled me in my life so far is my self-consciousness. Especially in middle school and high school, I was overly concerned with how I was perceived by others. In middle school I was really into Star Wars. I had the action figures and video games, and I read a number of the books. That is, until I realized that it wasn't "cool" to like science fiction and fantasy. I was desperate not to fit the stereotype of a "nerd." So I stopped. In fact, I did the same thing in elementary school with Power Rangers. Once they weren't cool anymore, I gave them up (to my parents' frustration, since they had bought me some of the toys for Christmas). I even hid the boxes when people came over. In the first few years of high school this tendency to censor my own interests and personality put me in an awkward place. I wasn't an athlete, I wasn't popular, I wasn't a slacker, so I didn't fit into any of those cliques. I was smart, but because of my refusal to be labelled a nerd (which I probably was anyway), I didn't hang out with the people with more "nerdy" interests. Eventually I did find a group of friends in the later years of high school, largely due to our shared love of rock music (which I actually started listening to to give me something in common with people, good thing I actually loved it), but it was rough for a while.

I recognized this shortcoming at the time. In sophomore year of high school, we had an assignment to come up with a quote that really resonated with us. I chose this quote by Charles Schwab: "The man who trims himself to suit everybody will soon whittle himself away." I was definitely guilty of this. For fear of anyone not liking me, I preferred to fly below the radar. My low self-confidence led to me being a very quiet, shy individual. It's almost like I chose invisibility instead of risk rejection or ridicule. Throughout high school I fought against this in an effort to be more outgoing.

Now, because of my experiences in college and beyond, I no longer consider myself shy (though I will always naturally be an introvert). I have a level of self-confidence that I wish I had back then (though it could stand to be higher still). Suddenly I find myself doing things I would have never done before, like taking an improv acting class, performing with an a capella group, or singing and playing the guitar for patients in the hospital.

This was kind of a rambling post, but I just wanted to explore how I've changed over the years. Some people figure out their sexuality at a very young age, but as for me, I'm really not all that surprised that it has taken me so long to get this far, since I had other issues to deal with. One thing I'm trying to remind myself of though, is that life is not a race. We're all on our own journey, and all go at our own pace.

A little background

Wow, I wasn't expecting to update this so often. I thought I should write a post about where I'm coming from. Note: this entry was edited after the fact, I toned down some of the more personal parts, haha. Plus it was rather lengthy.

I have always been somewhat sexually repressed I guess. I did not have a religious upbringing, but it was a moral one. I grew up under the impression that things like premarital sex, masturbation, and watching porn were wrong. I'm not sure whether my parents actually ever explicitly taught me this, but those were the values I somehow developed. Thus in high school it was hard to relate when other guys would talk about such things.

The result of this was that by the time I started college I had zero experience in the sexual domain, even by myself. I admitted this to a couple friends and they hardly believed me at first. It confused me how it could be so unbelievable. I had never really had the desire to try such things, and had always assumed that was because of my upbringing. College was the first point when I realized it might be due to more than just the way I was raised. It occurred to me that I might actually be different than my friends, as far as sexual interest goes.

Not to say that I've never had a crush on a girl. There's been several over the years, from middle school through college. There were times when I noticed good-looking guys too though, and at times it seems like for me at this point in time there is more aesthetic appeal in attractive guys than attractive girls. It's easier to imagine myself in a relationship with a girl, but that may be due to society's influence for all I know. Similarly, it's hard for me to take the mental leap from thinking a guy is physically attractive to wanting to be in a relationship with one. Bottom line is, I'm rather confused about where I fall on the spectrum. The simple fact that I'm questioning makes me doubt I'm totally straight, but I'm not comfortable putting myself totally on the other side of the spectrum either.

The first time the thought crossed my mind that I might have the potential to be attracted to guys was my first year of college. I became good friends with someone who seemed to be the answer to my wishes for a best friend, someone I had a lot in common with and with whom I felt I could connect on a deeper level. I kind of obsessed over that friendship a little too much, though my thoughts were not sexual. I was even jealous that he already had someone he considered his best friend. I have since lost contact with him. He moved away and eventually stopped trying to keep in touch. It's years later now but I still am not totally over losing that friendship.

Okay, I'm a little happier with this version. Remember when I said I have the nasty habit of second-guessing myself? Here's evidence for ya.

I drink your milkshake

I saw "There Will Be Blood" the other day. Wow, that is one weird movie. Weird score, weird characters, weird ending. I recommend it though. Definitely memorable, and Daniel Day Lewis is quite amazing. Of course the whole movie I was waiting for the famous "milkshake" line.

I love movies. I actually saw more Best Picture nominees this year then ever before. "No Country for Old Men" was really good, and happened to be filmed in the same location as "Blood" was. "Juno" was hilarious, and I'm glad Diablo Cody won the Oscar for Best Original Screenplay. Not that I only watch Oscar movies. I saw "Vantage Point", "Jumper" and "Cloverfield" so far this year. "Cloverfield" is amazing . . . if you don't get motion sick I highly recommend it. The other two are alright, the critics hated them but I thought they were okay.

I read a story on the internet the other day about a husband and wife who decided to stay together even though the husband came out of the closet. Rather interesting. I am too tired to try to find it right now, but apparently they are happy with where there marriage is and don't feel the need to split up. More power to them I guess. My fear about getting involved with a girl is the risk of breaking her heart later on if I come to that realization about myself. On the other hand, how can I know whether I'm capable of loving a woman if I limit myself for that reason? Ugh.

Multiple kinds of Lost

I admit it. I am obsessed with "Lost". I am so obsessed that I blew through three Best Buy gift cards to pick up the video game, which so far is a bit disappointing. Argh, I should have rented it! I'll give it more time, though. The TV show is only THE BEST SHOW EVER. I'm not sure if it's even possible to be a casual fan of that show.

I feel kind of silly writing this at this point, since almost no one knows about this blog. Of course there's a part of me that prefers it that way. That part of me has not helped me very much so far though, so let's not pay attention to him.

Argh, I hate this feeling of confusion. My certainty about my sexuality is in a constant state of flux. There are some days when I am on the verge of deciding that I am gay. Other times (like right now) I have serious doubts. Wow, it's taking me forever to write this paragraph. I'm having a hard time trying to decide how personal to make this. I think I'll back off for now.

Uhhh . . . so . . . yeah. I tend to bounce around a lot. Not literally, of course. Hmm . . . the fact that I found that funny means it is getting late. Later!

Testing, 1 2 3

So this is just a little experiment, at least for now. I need to feel like I’m making progress, and starting this blog seems like it might be at least somewhat productive. I have no idea how often I will feel like updating this thing, nor how long I’ll stick with it. Seems pretty common for people to quit these things quite suddenly. I’ve had a blog before, but it devolved into a “What did I do today?” type of thing. The lack of anonymity meant that I was always censoring myself until what was left was pretty boring (as if this blog will have you on the edge of your seat, haha). So now I’m trying an anonymous blog, at least for a little while, to try to sort through some things. Not the most original idea, but worth a try.

I’m going to just go by B for now. I am at a time of my life that some call the quarter-life crisis. I graduated from college a year ago and am now working my first full time job to make some money and get some experience before grad school. I am in the midst of trying to figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life. I’m hoping I will be surer by the end of the year, when I’m going to want to be applying to programs.

The main source of confusion and stress is my sexuality. I have never had a girlfriend, nor have I been on a single date. I only sort of asked out a girl once but it never panned out (she only agreed to hang out on a non-date since she was already seeing someone, then she flaked out on me). Pretty much since the beginning of college I've had an ever-growing suspicion that I might have an attraction to guys. In hindsight the attraction goes farther back. Fortunately I was not raised in a particularly religious environment, which would make it a lot harder to admit these things to myself. My family is still rather conservative though, especially on my dad’s side, which makes me nervous about the possibilities down the road. I’ve had crushes on girls before, but looking back it was never really based on physical attraction. I usually have to get to know a girl first before I get a “crush”. With guys on the other hand I tend to notice the attractive ones based on physical appearance alone. My only current “crush” happens to be a guy (that I’ve never talked to). I think a part of me is hoping against hope that I may be just far enough toward the heterosexual side of the Kinsey Scale to live a "normal" life. This article I came across discouraged me though . . . Shows how self-denial never helps anybody.

Well that’s enough for now. We’ll see how long it takes before I regret doing this and change my mind (I tend to second guess myself a lot, a very bad habit). Anyways I definitely do not plan on limiting this blog to that one topic. Lighter fare is always a good thing. Until next time.