A little mid-week ramble.
The date with Conner on Sunday was good. It poured down rain but luckily this one wasn't a hike! We had lunch at chatted. The level of initial attraction I felt with Ben wasn't there, but he was good-looking enough and seemed nice so I was up for meeting up again. I texted him the next day but he never responded. He was always very responsive to texts before. Hmm.
The guy that my friend Rick mentioned ain't gonna happen. Rick figured as much after finding out more about him. Apparently he's already seeing someone, and has two kids. Ha ha ha . . . no.
The last two days I was feeling extremely down again, for the first time in a while. The doubts and conflicts came back full force, with me questioning whether this is really what I should be doing. A visit to the good ol' psychologist today helped a bit, as did talking to a friend and my cousin. Both of them pretty much were arguing in favor of me being gay, or at least having the potential to have a real relationship with a guy. My friend Janice's argument: I wouldn't even be comfortable being on a date with a guy if this weren't a path I could go down. My counterargument: well, so far the dates with all four guys have pretty much been indistinguishable from hanging out with a new friend. I have yet to cross the intimacy barrier and initiate any kind of physical contact (I was hoping to do so with Ben on Saturday but . . . well the date didn't end as expected). My cousin's argument: he reminded me of how excited I had sounded when telling him about the guys that I liked (Jake and Ben), and he also recalled me saying how I hadn't really experienced much physical attraction to girls. Physical attraction is important, he says. Okay, not much to argue with there.
I went to the gym with Rick tonight and he told me about his experience on Saturday going out to bars with former coworkers and their friends. One friend was the aforementioned guy that he had considered introducing me to. The guy wanted to go to a gay bar, so the group (including Rick) went to one. Apparently Rick had quite a bit of luck with a girl there, haha. So he straight up offered to go with me to a gay bar sometime, which I thought was pretty awesome of him.
3 comments:
Dating can sap your confidence so it's understandable that you are wavering a bit. But the lack of success really doesn't have much bearing on how you identify yourself sexually. It takes time to find someone you connect with more than a friend and more than a hookup.
Aww, dating is full of ups and downs. Take it in stride, you'll find someone. :-) I think it's equal parts physical attraction and emotional/intellectual compatibility. After all, we all age, and the latter becomes more important with time. It's a tough balance, especially when you're doubting yourself.
Ditto the dating. It is ups and downs, a lot of stings along the way, a lot of unease, but keep trying. ;-)
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