Attachment

It's been a while since I wrote an entry. Quite a lot has happened.

First of all, I had my first sexual experience with someone other than Ben. Josh came to my neck of the woods and we ended up having quite the time in the bedroom. I'd say I actually enjoyed myself more than I ever did with Ben. I tried bottoming, which wasn't anywhere near as unpleasant as I feared it would be. I was surprisingly relaxed during the whole experience. Josh really is a very considerate guy, which made it so much easier. He is clearly confused about his sexuality though. Even though he did enjoy himself, he expressed doubt afterward about being able to have a relationship with a guy. I'm glad I had the experience though. I feel like we both gained from it.

Ben's birthday was a couple days ago. After much back and forth about it, I decided to send him an email to wish him happy birthday. This was the first contact I have had with him since March. I also thanked him for meeting up with Roger to give him career advice. Ben responded later that night to thank me for the birthday wishes. He also asked me about work and my current career plans. I haven't responded yet. I'm not sure I really want to start a dialogue at this point. I had a rather vivid dream about Ben last night, and I woke up missing him again.

I am reading a book that has been helping me immensely. It's called "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find and Keep Love." It is about attachment theory, which holds that people fall into three different attachment styles when it comes to relationships: secure, anxious, and avoidant.  Secure people are comfortable with intimacy, are good communicators, and do not overly obsess about relationships. Anxious people constantly fear that their relationships are on shaky ground, they crave closeness, and they are often preoccupied with their relationships. Avoidant people tend to keep their partners at arm's length and are uncomfortable with too much intimacy. The book holds that relationships between anxious and avoidant people are often troubled. The avoidant person reacts to increased intimacy by pulling back, which causes the anxious person to seek more closeness. Thus a vicious cycle is created.

As I mentioned in a previous entry, Ben definitely shows signs of having an avoidant attachment style. He was uncomfortable with too much affection, gave mixed signals from very early on, and subscribes to the idea of "the one," which the book claims is a common distancing strategy for avoidant types. As for myself, at least in the context of that relationship, I exhibited an anxious attachment style. Reading this book is definitely helping me move away from blaming myself for the dissolution of the relationship. It could very well be that our attachment styles were simply incompatible.

I took a bit of a hiatus from dating after the three promising guys all failed to go anywhere. Nick disappeared off the face of the Earth, Josh isn't relationship material, and Kyle is still traveling for work. Yesterday I finally reached out to some people on OkCupid, so we'll see if any of those go anywhere.

Phew! Okay, until next time!

  

Zero

I was so proud of myself for having a social activity planned for every night this week. Well, here I am on Wednesday night, and it's the third solitary night in a row. WTF?

Monday: my friend from OkCupid cancelled on me. He had spent the day before getting his car fixed after it broke down, and he was too "exhausted" to keep our scheduled hangout. This is a guy that I've hung out with twice so far, though I've been FB friends with him for more than a year. Really cool guy who always puts a smile on my face. Not this time though.

Tuesday: Alex cancelled on me. He said he never gets sick, but he wasn't feeling good so he had to leave work early. He said he'd have to reschedule.

Wednesday: Nick didn't cancel on me . . . he completely disappeared. When we talked on Sunday he mentioned he should be available Wednesday to meet up. I texted him Monday after the first cancellation to let him know Monday night was now available, or Wednesday. No response. Last night I texted him to see if we were still on for tonight. No response. Today I left him a voicemail, saying I needed to know so I could make other plans if he was unavailable. No response. I've been texting our mutual friend, who says that it's very unusual for Nick to flake like that. Something's going on with that guy, that's for sure. I can't say I really have the patience to deal with it right now. If he wants to hang out after returning from out of town (he leaves tomorrow), he knows where to find me.

Tomorrow is the Social Group get together. I think I'm safe . . . that would have to be a whole lot of no-shows to not happen, haha.

The guy I really hope doesn't cancel is Josh on Friday. He's planning to visit me in my neck of the woods, and I am excited. I don't know what the future has in store for us since he's just experimenting right now, but I'm willing to go with the flow. Things are looking good for Friday so far. He texted me tonight to say he is looking forward to it.

It was a tough few days. I had a couple nights dreaming of being back with Ben (ugh, come on brain, give me a break!!) and a lot of loneliness. Today there was an unexpected turn of events. I'm still not sure how I feel about it. At times it makes me feel better, at other times, the opposite.

It all started with the flurry of Facebook posts about the Prop 8 and DOMA decision (yay!!!!! A good time to be a Californian!!!) Most of the posts were supportive of the decision. But then I came upon a post by my cousin's former roommate (What does that make us? Absolutely nothing!) It mocked comparisons of LGBT rights to civil rights based on race, and claimed that the "reality" was that being gay is a choice and is a product of issues with one's father (uhh . . . so which one is it, oh intellectual one?)

I didn't wait for the inevitable flurry of enraged comments to ensue before I unfriended him. This guy no longer lives with my cousin and has already proven to be a bit of an ass (I won't get into that . . . suffice it to say that he and his friends have caused my cousin some headaches), so I don't need him and his ignorance polluting my newsfeed. 

Anyways, I texted my cousin Roger about it. We texted back and forth a bit, and then he dropped a (minor) bomb: he saw Ben yesterday. He got together with him for a bit of career advice (I'd known he had been thinking about doing it and had given him my blessing . . . Ben is in a career that he is also interested in). Soon all the texting got to be a bit much so I called him to finish the conversation. He gave me some details that I didn't necessarily need to know . . . mainly that Ben is apparently quite serious with Daniel Newguy, and apparently Ben even said he might be "the one." This kind of surprised me, and obviously saddened me. Yes, I naturally was hoping Ben would come to his senses and realize what he had given up with me. I was hoping he'd have a hard time finding someone better. Who wouldn't? But apparently he did . . . and just a month or so after his brief foray into straight dating. Roger also said that Ben had asked about me and mentioned he might give me a call sometime. 

The combination of these revelations seem to have had a net positive effect on me, strangely enough. Knowing that Ben might actually break our No Contact streak after all makes me realize he does still care about me and does want to be friends. Knowing about "The One" thing . . . well that could mean one of two things. Possibility One: Ben really has found someone better for him right after leaving me, making me a bit like the main character from Good Luck Chuck (any girl that sleeps with him breaks up with him and immediately winds up with Mr. Right). Possibility Two: Ben is riding high on another Honeymoon Phase and letting his emotions cloud his perception. That actually sounds like something he would do. About this time last year was when he was raving to his family about me and making me feel a little intimidated and self-conscious that I wasn't equally enthusiastic. Maybe he falls in love hard and falls out of love just as suddenly. It is a bit strange to be going around telling people the new guy might be "The One" after only dating him for two months or so. Especially Roger. Of course it's going to get back to me. Who knows, maybe it was on purpose. To kill any remaining hope I might have left.

Whichever is the real scenario, it means there's no point in waiting for him to recognize the awesomeness that is me, haha (not that I was planning to do that . . . it's just hard to give up hope). Either he absolutely did the right thing and has been rewarded for it, or he still hasn't learned his lesson and has started the cycle all over again. Either way he is a lost cause.

Which leaves me with . . . what to say if he does in fact call me? I was just planning to (maybe) send him a brief happy birthday email when the time came then resume no contact. I wasn't expecting to have an actual conversation with him anytime soon. I suppose I'll just be pleasant and follow his lead. Probably keep it fairly brief. No need to let him know anything about how I'm still hurting, and missing him. And wishing I could just go back in time and relive the last year once more (minus the last five months, of course) He'd better not read this blog, though. Argh, if you're reading this go mind your own business! Keep your word!!!

So right now I'm experiencing a mix of emotions. On the one hand I feel better because Ben hasn't completely written me off as a friend. On the other hand I'm not sure I really want his friendship at this time. If Daniel Newguy is "The One," then I'm the one before The One. And if you look at any number line, the one before one is . . . zero. I can't be his friend as long as I feel that way. 

Oh well. Glad I could be the opening act for the main event. Now when do I get to be someone's main event?

Over now

As is always the case, I feel better today after talking to a few friends and family members.

I hesitate to write more about the Ben situation. He told me he wouldn't read my blog anymore . . . but he also told me a lot of things that weren't true. He's an impulsive person, who is likely dealing with some cognitive dissonance after dragging my emotions through the wringer, and here there's a site with his ex-boyfriend opening up about all the pain he's caused. Now that I've stopped communication with him, does he have the willpower to refrain from sneaking a peek? I don't know. I feel like one of my biggest errors was sharing this URL with him. Yes, it made the first conversation we had more straight-forward, but it probably also added to his guilt and anxiety. Oh well. What's done is done.

I am definitely learning a lesson about letting others negatively affect my life. The latest turn of events has somehow made me feel more powerful. I think I know why. By publicly announcing his rebound relationship practically on the would-have-been anniversary of our relationship, I feel like Ben has hit a new low. That is not classy, and I have lost a good deal of respect for him. I feel like the much bigger man, because I can't imagine myself ever doing such a thing. Now, you guys are right. I don't know the details of this relationship. I don't feel jealous about it . . . the odds are not in favor of it being a successful one. I know I can't read Ben's mind. But any way you look at it, it's kind of fucked up.

I am a forgiving person and I'm sure I will come around eventually. I do not like to hold grudges. I've done it before and the negativity just doesn't feel healthy. It is in my nature to give him the benefit of the doubt, so I will. He probably didn't even think of the timing. He probably got caught up in the excitement of his new relationship, which is probably with someone who has helped him get over whatever lingering guilt and regret he might be feeling over what he did to our relationship. Just like a year ago I helped him get over his career stress. And I don't think his poking around on my Facebook and liking things was an attempt to draw my attention to his new status, even though that's what happened. He probably saw my "Forgiveness" video and thought it was in response to his relationship status . . . though I had posted it prior to finding out. So he probably felt safe to test the waters, to send some (minuscule) good will my way. Kind of funny, actually, this whole situation.

The silver lining: I've been cured of my desire to seek friendship with him. I'm now willing to just go with the flow. There are a hundred other things that are more important than focusing on how to be friends with someone who can't even show a little courtesy toward someone that once loved him.

Love is like a drug. Or a boat.

Warning . . . I've got some Ben-related issues to burn off some steam about. If you're sick of me ranting about him you might want to sit this one out, haha.

Last weekend was fun. I went to a St. Patrick's Day event on the Queen Mary, an old ship in Long Beach that has been converted into a hotel. I went with my friend Nina, her boyfriend Jerry, and his cousin. Jerry's cousin was young (about 22 maybe?) but he was a major cutey. Straight though. Nina and Jerry are great company. I haven't mentioned Nina much in this blog before the last couple weeks because she was living out of state. She's back for now though. She's a friend from the dorms who is VERY open with sexuality. Like, uncomfortably so at times, haha. She's pretty frank about her experiences with both girls and guys. She's determined to hook me up.

As is always the case, I spent plenty of time seeing sights that reminded me of Ben. Tends to happen when you were in a very active relationship. The Queen Mary is right across from The Pike, the shopping center where we first met and where we had our six month anniversary dinner. On Sunday I went hiking with some friends on a great trail that I had last done . . . with Ben. Ugh. But, I have to have new experiences in these places. That way the freshest memories that I associate with them won't include him.

On Sunday night I had dinner with Jake the Australian. It was a lot of fun. He is a super nice guy. We had a lot of catching up to do, since it has been about 11 months since I last saw him. We swapped break up stories. Only for Jake, it was the reverse scenario. He was the initiator of his break-up, because he sensed that his boyfriend was really falling for him but he himself wasn't experiencing the emotions he associates with being in "love." We both knew that this was exactly what had happened with Ben and I. Only I like the sound of this explanation better. Much better than saying we didn't have chemistry. Sometimes its all about word choice. Anyways, hearing Jake's perspective made me feel better. It was almost like having a conversation with Ben by proxy. Jake's still not sure whether the "love" feeling is something elusive that he is chasing. He felt it with his first boyfriend, but he's not sure whether it being his "first" had anything to do with it.

Funny how in our last conversation Ben compared me to a drug addict going through withdrawal. He may have a point, but personally it sounds like he's addicted to this elusive feeling. Now that he's felt it he will settle for nothing less, even if a relationship is otherwise perfectly sound. He may be searching for a long, long time.

Early in the week, I learned via Facebook (damn Facebook . . . a blessing and a curse) that Ben's best friend and his husband finally made it over to visit California. There were pictures of them hiking in the Hollywood Hills. This made me suffer a sadness relapse. I've wanted to meet that couple for a year now, ever since Ben first told me about them. Over the past year I have spoken to them myself several times on Skype, and they even bought me a Christmas gift. Now they finally get over here, and I don't get to meet   them because I'm stuck in this stupid exile. Before all I was losing was time, which I was (getting to be) fine with. Give Ben the chance to heal, and myself as well. But now a great opportunity to meet a couple that has inspired me is wasted. I knew on an intellectual level that it wouldn't have made sense for Ben to let me know they were in town and arrange a meet up, since he was the source of the request for continued distance. But on an emotional level I couldn't help but feel a bit of resentment build up . . . a little feeling of betrayal.

I went to the psychologist, as I have been doing a bit more often lately for obvious reasons. I explained to her my goal: end this exile period, reestablish the friendship with Ben and move on. Just like the initial month of no contact, I feel like the exile does me little good since my personality seeks closure. I'm fine with gradual transitions, but sitting around twiddling my thumbs makes me anxious. It is in my nature to be proactive, especially when it comes to building and maintaining relationships that are important to me. Staying active works to distract me, but when I'm idle my mind always returns to the goal at hand.

Before I go on: YES I know I'm still fixating on being friends. I value relationships, that's what I do. The 3 year period where Lance dropped off the face of the Earth drove me crazy and I don't want to repeat it. Time dulled the pain, but did not eliminate it. I wasn't truly able to get over him until I reached out and we reconnected. A quote I found today speaks to this: "The wounds of love can only be healed by the one who made them." I know that this type of closure is not always achievable. But that doesn't mean I shouldn't seek it out when it is. If I'm being naive feel free to tell me . . . but do it nicely okay? :-)

Okay, end of tangent. Anyways, my psychologist recommended that the best way to achieve my goal (being friends with Ben and ending this awkward distance phase) is to be proactive, but not TOO proactive. Rather than waiting for him to make the first move (which may have taken a long time), she suggested I email him to keep the lines of communication open, but to keep it brief and superficial. No mentions of the previous argument, no apologies (she doesn't feel I have anything to apologize for). Just a "check in," which is what he said would be okay once a month or so. I want to make sure my contacts raise only positive emotions, not negative ones.

Another quote that I've had on my mind lately: "The one who loves the least controls the relationship." This is totally true. I may resent it, but the fact remains that between the two of us, Ben loves the least. Therefore, he holds the power. If I want to be friends, I have to play by his rules, even if I felt insulted by them. So if he says only checking in once a month is acceptable, than that's what I have to do.

So, I wrote him a brief email. Basically just summarizing my St. Patrick's Day weekend. He messaged back the next day, and I am happy to report that he didn't reject me, haha. Well, I didn't give him much to reject. I asked no questions, made no offers or suggestions. It was just a report. He's doing well. Enjoying his new job. Glad to hear from me and happy that I'm doing well. His friends' visit was great. He picked them up from the airport near me (10 min away!) because it was cheaper, and bought stuff from the bakery we'd gone to a couple times (5 min away!). Knowing he had been so close to me without calling struck another nerve, but I just need to tell myself that it's not personal. This whole exile thing (I call it that because that's what it feels like) is what he thinks is for the best. Maybe he's right. I just want to move on and get my friend back. Screw the rest of what we had. I'll find someone better for that. Someone who has his head in the right place.

In other news, thanks TwoLives for the suggestion of the story CrossCurrents. I looked it up and promptly got hooked. I read all the way up to the college part of the story. It seems the song you were referring to was "More Than Words" by Extreme. I do love that song and have played it before. Tricky song to sing though . . . hmm, I may have to give it a try :-) Other than that the story is good. Very well written. A lot of the characters and scenarios kind of strike me as unrealistic though. Then again, I wasn't a jock or a popular kid in high school so what do I know, haha.

One line in the story really popped out at me. Something about "a relationship cannot occur unless both people shed their armor" or something like that. It resonated because I think that might partially explain why Ben failed to experience lasting feelings of love for me. He definitely was the more guarded of the two of us. I became very comfortable sharing with him, but I'm not convinced he ever fully shed his emotional armor. I know he had some childhood issues that may have limited his ability to do that. Kind of ironic, he is more comfortable with physical nudity than any other person I've ever known. He'll shed his clothing at the drop of a hat, right in front of his friends. When it comes to emotional nudity however . . . he's a tougher nut to crack.

Which brings me back to the boat metaphor he used on me almost a year ago. He didn't think our boat had a rudder back then. I proved him wrong, but eventually the boat died anyway. He claimed it was due to lack of fuel (chemistry, love, what have you). I'm not so sure . . . it's my suspicion that the real problem was under the hood. The engine was malfunctioning. If he tries to take that engine and just put it in another boat (such as  by oh, say, dating women), he's likely to get the same result. It's only when he takes the time to look at himself and figure out what's standing in the way of him feeling love for another person that he'll be able to repair his engine and speed off into the sunset. Here's hoping he's able to do that before too long. I would have loved to help him, but that's no longer my place. He'll have to find a new mechanic. I'm done. NEXT!

Still looking back . . . but moving forward

So . . . not much new in the past couple days. Still working on letting go of my anger and getting back to the "peace of mind" I was feeling after the first conversation. The time of year complicates it a little bit . . . it was a year ago that I first met Ben. Sad that what could have been such a happy occasion is instead such a melancholy one. I'm not looking forward to Cinco de Mayo (what would have been our 1 year anniversary).

My latest theory about the break up, which I have adopted to try to reduce the cognitive dissonance it creates in my mind, centers on Ben's anxiety problems. Basically, I think he started out serious about the relationship. But a seed of doubt somehow got planted in his head. Instead of the healthy approach, which would have been addressing it with me, he buried it and allowed it to sprout and grow. His perception that I was fully gung ho about the relationship while he was not started to create an unpleasant anxiety response in him, especially when I showed affection or verbalized my appreciation for him. Eventually, this anxiety overrode any positive feelings and made the relationship unsustainable on his end. When I tried to bury the hatchet and smooth things over last week, what little contact I initiated (text, email, Words with Friends), triggered that same anxiety response and reminded him of his guilt. He decided to request that we continue keeping our distance, but unfortunately in his attempt to sound authoritative in his email he instead came across cold and condescending. Which pissed me off and led to our heated conversation, during which he accused me of trying to "reinvent the wheel."

Well, now many people have weighed in on the situation. I think we were both in the wrong. He was wrong to be so rude. There are many ways he could have requested that I slow down with rebuilding the friendship without coming across as patronizing. He was also wrong to overreact to my attempts to start the relationship off on the right foot . . . though I understand it was more of a preemptive move on his part. He was afraid the contact would increase if left unchecked. I was wrong to jump the gun and think that we could start being friends so soon after the break up. I was willing to give it a try and assess my feelings as I went . . . which is the right approach . . . but it was just too soon. I was also wrong to assume that I was the only one that had healing to do, that it was completely up to me when it was time to be friends. Though it goes against my proactive nature, I need to just step back and let things run their course. I have other things to attend to in the meantime. Other friends. Dating. Work. Figuring out what my next step should be career wise.

So . . . dating. I've been meeting up with guys from the dating website. Four so far. It seems like I generally like the guys this time around better than last year. I think it's because I'm being more discerning. My goal is no longer just to get dating experience and try things out. Now it's to see if there's other guys out there that I can really click with, as friends or otherwise. The emphasis is definitely on friends for right now.

Two of the guys I've met up with were actually carry overs from last year, guys that I had chatted with online but had never met up with. Both of them were really nice. We had great conversation, and they were pretty attractive. Especially the second one. I'll call him Alex. Really fun guy. We had dinner and got a drink afterward. I'm not sure how much he liked me in person as the level of contact has dropped off, but I texted him and he was open to meeting up again. He's about to change jobs though so he's pretty busy at the moment.

Yesterday I met up with Guy # 4. He kind of surprised me. From his messages and profile he came across as quite jovial and gregarious, but in person he was a little more serious. Still very talkative and inquisitive, though. We had great conversation that lasted well past dinner. He's in the process of applying to grad school though (ugh), so he might not be sticking around much longer. I did like him, and we talked about going hiking at some point.

I LOVE hiking. Absolutely my favorite thing to do on a date. And so many guys like to do it too! It's great, you get to explore, be in nature, and get to know someone at the same time. I've been talking to this really nice guy, I'll call him Kenny, and have made tentative plans to meet up for hiking soon. He's pretty young . . . 5 years younger than me which is about as young as I'll go. The range I've been working with is 5 years younger to 5 years older. So basically, I'm looking for guys that were also born in the eighties. Kenny just makes the cut :-)

In fact I just paused in my typing of this to respond to Kenny's latest email. Turns out he's a bit hesitant to meet in person because he just got out of a break-up. Well what do you know. I told him I'm in the same boat, so there's no pressure.

Headful of ghosts

Hello all.

Thanks for the comments/texts/emails about the last entry. It makes me feel better to hear other people say that my contact was not excessive. I certainly didn't think it was at the time, but Ben made me feel very self-conscious and embarrassed.

It's been a rough week. I was feeling SO much better about everything after the first conversation, but his email/2nd conversation has really made me slide backward. I've been waking up early every morning and have been having trouble getting back to sleep. The patronizing tone of his email keeps replaying in my head. This is what is best for your healing process, he says, while doing a great job of stunting it himself. It's like he took a sharp object away from me with one hand and stabbed me with the other. Consequently it's now proving to be harder than ever to exorcise the ghost of our relationship from my psyche.

Not that it was his intention to hurt me, as always. He honestly thinks he's doing what's best. Maybe he is. Maybe I tried to rush into the friendship stage too fast, maybe I overestimated my own ability to handle a platonic friendship at this point (not that I was given the chance to even try). I just hope I haven't screwed things up for good.

I can't count down to any closure-seeking conversation this time. I don't know when Ben will reach out. As fan of casey said, it may be a long time. When I spoke to him he said that he would be afraid of leading me on if he called. I told him that's what communication is good for . . . to make one's intentions clear.

While during the first conversation I was glad that I had shared this blog with him, now I am wishing I hadn't. My friend Philip relayed his mom's advice to me: when someone breaks up with you . . . don't let them see how much they've hurt you. I don't know, maybe I was hoping that if Ben read all of the nice things I had written about him, it might touch him enough to second guess himself. Instead, it made him realize just how into him I was, and by comparison just how not into me he was.

I know it's immature, but I feel like yelling at him "You started it!" I was holding back a bit at the beginning of the relationship, when everything was new. Having known that Ben had initially not been interested in me, I was cautious about moving too fast. Once Ben said the magic words "I love you" it was like a green light to allow myself to love him. It's like we were at the top of a waterfall, Ben shouted "Let's go!" but I was the only one to actually take the plunge. I spent my time happily swimming in blissful ignorance until I finally realized I was by myself.

 A fellow blogger sent me an email questioning why a friendship with Ben is so important to me. It's a good question. I've never had an easy time making new friends, especially close friends. Making a new addition to my close friends happens maybe once every couple years. So there's that, my perception that people that I click with in that way are so hard to come by. And obviously there is the fact that Ben makes me happy. I feel better about myself when I'm around him. Also, I tend to be fiercely loyal. Despite the fact the Ben broke my heart, he still played an important role in my life this past year. I care about him and want to be there for him in whatever capacity I can.

My tendency to put so much emotional investment in relationships is dangerous. It sets me up for massive disappointment. It happened with Lance and it has now happened with Ben.

I still find myself questioning if I did something wrong in the relationship. If I was too vulnerable, too transparent, too predictable, too anxious.

I don't want to screw up next time I find someone I really like.

Words with (ex-boy)friends

Well, I kinda screwed up. Messed up building my new platonic friendship with Ben, at least for the time being. Rushed things too fast. Tried to be too proactive. Now I'm paying the price.

Last week's conversation left me in (relatively) high spirits. I no longer harbored a grudge against Ben for what he had done. He had acknowledged his mistakes and apologized for the hurt he had caused. I was still hurting and missing him, but I was ready to leave this sad chapter of my life behind and work toward redefining our relationship.

The next day, I realized that the one item of business that I had meant to address in our conversation had been forgotten. He had written me a check the night of the break up, but had written a future date on it to give himself time to put money in his account. I had wanted to confirm with him that it was okay to deposit it. So I texted him to confirm this.

After the break-up, a few of his close girlfriends had responded to me on Facebook with words of sympathy, and encouragement. I saw them on chat after the conversation I had with Ben, and let them know that we were back on speaking terms. I wanted to clue them into the fact that I was in a much better place than when they had last heard from me, and Ben and I would be able to be friends. Heck, I valued these people as friends of my own, since I had gotten to know them over the past year.

Friday I sent Ben an email with a link to a website. It's a forum for LGBT issues that I sometimes visit for advice, or to simply browse the topics. I had mentioned it during our conversation and wanted to be sure he had the link.

And finally, my Words with Friends game on my Ipad (for those not familiar, it's basically a computer version of Scrabble) told me that Ben had recently joined and kept asking if I wanted to challenge him to a game. As a friendly gesture, I sent him a game invite.

Apparently, these gestures were too much. Ben responded to my email saying thanks for the link and the conversation, but moving forward, he thought we should keep our distance and limit ourselves to checking in once every other month or so at most. He said any contact beyond that would stunt my healing process. He said sorry, but this was what he thought was best to make an eventual platonic friendship possible.

I took the email like a slap in the face. What the heck had I done? Was this really about Words with Friends? I texted him to request we talk about the email. He called later on, and we had what amounted to the first and only real argument we EVER had.

He said that between the text, the email, the game invite, and reaching out to his friends on Facebook, that I had basically overstepped my bounds. He was feeling uncomfortable, and was having a resurgence of the feelings from the end of our relationship. Plus, since he didn't accept the game invite, the game was sending him reminders to accept. (He thought I was manually sending those reminders, when in reality they are automatic.)

I couldn't believe me ears. I had made a conscious effort to not contact him excessively. I had not called him again since Wednesday, nor had I texted him beyond Thursday's brief, business-only text. The email was me trying to help. The game invite was meant to be a "no hard feelings" olive branch. I figured hey, if we're friends now, might as well start treating him like one.

Of course, he's been talking to people. And of course, everyone and their mother has an opinion about etiquette with exes. So whereas I am of the camp that dropping contact can sometimes be counterproductive when you're trying to maintain some sort of relationship with someone (although it might work wonders if your goal is to cut someone out of your life completely), he is of the camp where exes must basically drop off the face of the earth until some arbitrary future date, at which they might be able to be friends. He was very condescending throughout the conversation. A lot of "Cal, listen," and "Cal, here's the thing." I was left feeling like he thought I was exactly the kind of clingy psycho ex-boyfriend that I had made a point of not being. Meanwhile, sure I still have feelings for him. But I was focused on reaching out in friendly ways to get our new friendship started on the right foot.

Instead, I'm angry again, which is disappointing to me. I thought we had moved on from that. I thought there was no way that Ben could still hurt me, could still reject me. Now my whole plan to transition gradually into friendship is blown to hell. Ben and I are no longer going to meet up in LA this weekend.

Now, having had today to reflect on things (after having trouble sleeping for the first time since all of this began . . . I didn't even have trouble sleeping the night of the breakup!), I understand his position a little better (though I still think he majorly overreacted). I know that conventional wisdom states that you mustn't try to be friends until any and all feelings have dried up and died. But that's why I was going to take it slow and gradual. That's why I was going to keep tabs on my emotions and adjust accordingly. So I was greatly offended when Ben claimed to know what was best for my healing process. And I was awestruck that a text asking about a check could resurrect negative emotions from our breakup.

Bottom line: Okay, so I'm not completely over Ben. And maybe I was being over-zealous in trying to rush our relationship into the friend stage at this point. But this isn't just about my healing process. Ben obviously has some healing to do too, and I believe he doesn't want to try to be friends at this point because he feels too guilty. I do believe he is serious about being friends. As he said himself, if he wasn't serious about it he wouldn't have taken the time to talk to me and set things straight. And I appreciate his open-mindedness and willingness to do that.

Questions: Was I in the wrong? Did I push too far too fast? Was it unreasonable to at least TRY to transition to friendship at this point, even if my intent was to do it very gradually? Do you think Ben overreacted?

Where we stand now: I told him he can call me when he's ready to be friends. I suggested one of us call the other in a few weeks or a month. But at this point I know it's going to have to be him. If the slightest contact from me sets off his paranoia at this point, then I'll be much too self-conscious to reach out again until he does first. If that ever happens.

Wow. Who knew a friggin' Words with Friends invite could be taken the wrong way? Piece of work, that guy. Maybe this all is a blessing in disguise. His impulsive, reactive decision making is becoming a pattern.

Oh and don't worry. He basically promised he's not going to read the blog anymore. I do trust his word.

Lonely boy

The meaning of weekends has definitely shifted. Whereas before they were something special to look forward to, a weekly mini-vacation, now they are something to be endured. This weekend was completely uneventful. I was supposed to meet up with a friend today to play guitar, but he ended up cancelling on me due to being too busy. So both yesterday and today I basically stayed home all day, bored and lonely. Ben is lucky. He has a house full of roommates who are there a lot of the time, and who are also some of his closest friends. For me, I was home alone for most of the weekend. None of my friends give me the time of day unless I reach out first. I guess this is what happens when you spend every weekend with your significant other. Once you're broken up, you don't know what to do with yourself on the weekends anymore.

Next weekend should be more eventful. As I said before, I'm planning on going up to LA to attend a party. While I'm up there I plan to meet up with my cousin Roger, my friend Lance, and Ben. I'm thinking maybe we can all go hiking together or something.

I've been corresponding with several guys from the dating website. There's one that I like quite a bit, I'm looking forward to meeting up with him. There are several others that I've been texting back and forth with.

I know that in order to truly move on after a break up, you have to kill whatever hope you have of getting back together. I guess my problem is I see the break up as being more due to Ben's current state of mind rather than any fundamental incompatibility between us. I can't help but hope that once he satisfies his curiosity about dating girls he will decide he wants a guy after all and will come back to me. Realistically, I know that even if he goes back to guys, that won't change the fact that he didn't feel strong enough feelings for me. So even though I was the "whole package" and we "looked good on paper," there is something about me that fails to ring his bell. And even if he wanted to give me another shot, I'm not sure it would be wise for me to accept. He's already rejected me twice before. How foolish I would feel to be rejected a third time by the same person. He would definitely have to convince me that things were different.

The last month has seen the resurgence of a lot of my sexuality confusion. After browsing on internet forums, it seems that a term that describes me pretty well is "demisexual." Basically, it means that I don't have interest in sex outside of a serious relationship. I need strong emotional feelings for someone in order to have any sort of drive (and even then the drive is low). The good part of that, obviously, is I won't have to worry about being tempted to cheat, or be promiscuous. The downside is it makes it hard to know who to pursue. I guess I really do just need to focus on meeting people and making friends first. If someone catches my attention like Ben did, then I'll go from there.

Peace of mind

I broke No Contact. I didn't quite make it 30 days. And I couldn't be happier.

The waiting game was really starting to weigh on me. I was continuing to have dreams involving Ben. Except he was never actually in the dream. His presence was heavily felt, but he never physically appeared. All day long I would continue to ruminate about the lingering issues. I would browse the internet for articles and forums about break ups and the No Contact Rule. Finally I came across a relationship website that was highly critical of the No Contact Rule, especially when you wish to be friends with your ex. A lot of the articles made a lot of sense to me, and I decided I'd had enough of this No Contact foolishness.

So earlier this evening, I called Ben. Voice mail. I chickened out before leaving a message, so I texted him to let him know I was just calling to see how he was doing. A little later he texted me back saying he needed to run errands but he would call me around 10:30. He called just about then. We just got off the phone a couple minutes ago. It's 12:30.

My plan going into the conversation was to keep things simple. I wanted to start off our new friend era on a positive note, and that meant not beating the dead horse of our relationship. I would get my lingering issues addressed at a later date.

That plan didn't last. Not long into the conversation (but after he revealed he had finally gotten a job, whoo hoo!) he admitted to something that I found rather surprising . . . he's been reading this blog.

As I mentioned at the end of the last entry, I didn't think it was likely that he was reading it. I figured he would be moving on, that he wouldn't care what was going on with me. Well, turns out he did care. Since he was allowing me my space to heal in my No Contact bubble, he was reading the blog to "check up" on me. I immediately felt bad about all of the rather . . . strong things I said about him, but he insisted I had no need to apologize.

At this point it became clear to me that my plan for having the "relationship post mortem" conversation in person was not going to pan out. This was the time. And so, over the next two hours, we talked about everything. Every one of the three major hurtful things was addressed.

1) Him keeping his waning feelings a secret: he acknowledged that he had not handled this properly. I explained to him that he ideally should have told me much sooner, long before he felt the relationship was on its last legs (but not too soon either, you don't know at first whether the way you're feeling is temporary or not).
2) The four day turn around: he apologized that the end came so suddenly for me. I acknowledged my understanding that he is a very proactive and decisive person, which played a role in this.
3) The OkCupid profile: he admitted that he created the profile not because he was over the relationship already, but because he was looking for social interaction to fill the void left by my sudden departure from his life (no more weekend visits, no more daily phone calls).

He says he indeed went through a period of melancholy after things ended between us. He says that his feelings were indeed sincere. He also said that part of the reason he is focusing on dating girls right now is because he is questioning his capability of feeling the right kind of romantic feelings for a guy. He feels that I really was the whole package otherwise, and so if he couldn't feel strong enough love for me then he might not be able to feel it for any guy. With the girls he's dated in the past, his level of emotional attachment was a lot stronger. He changed his OkCupid status to "straight" because he was not getting any responses while he was labeled "bisexual." However, he says he will be up-front and honest about it after meeting in person. He recognizes that it will be an uphill battle finding a girl who is okay with this.

During our conversation, I basically decided to go for broke, throw all that break up advice out the window. Don't tell me not to talk about the past relationship with my ex. I'm gonna talk it to death dammit! I asked him every question I could think of that I'd been wanting to ask.

"What was the breaking point?" Answer: He's not sure. It was a gradual thing. I think he eventually just took the opportunity to address it with me when it came.

"Was I not sexual enough?" Answer: This was not an issue for him.

"Was it the affection discrepancy?" Answer: No . . . he just attributed this to me being an overall more affectionate person. So when he explained it by saying it was his personality and not me . . . that was the truth.

"What are you going to look for in future relationships?" Answer: He may start following his initial intuitions. This made me a little said, because if he had done that with me we never would have had our relationship at all. I told him I don't think this is always wise. Instead he should take it on a case by case basis. Sometimes attraction is immediate. Sometimes it needs time to grow, if the person is promising. I don't think we were doomed to fail from the start. Circumstances, timing, where we are in our lives . . . whatever . . . simply got in the way.

"Where do we go from here?" Answer: We made tentative plans to meet up when I'm in LA in two weeks. A fellow blogger invited me to a party, and I think I will go. Will Ben be invited? Ehhh . . . might be awkward to go with my ex.

When I next see Ben, I will just have to try to keep my feelings in check. But I figure a trial and error process is in order. If I enjoy my time with him and don't get too sad or obsessive, then I'll continue on accordingly. If my emotions start messing with me though . . . then it's time to step back a bit.

So where do we stand? Well, Ben is truly remorseful for the pain he has caused. He genuinely likes me and feels blessed to have me in his life. I feel the same about him. He really does think highly of me, he's just finding himself still. His goal is to move ahead with his career while continuing on his journey of discovery in his personal life. I plan to support him every step of the way. Navigating this dating world is so daunting at times . . . I'm glad I don't have to face it alone.

I guess I'm not the only one who is All Mixed up in CA.

She'll never be your man

Hello everyone.

It's been more than 3 weeks since the break-up. I still haven't had any contact with Ben. I'm holding out at least one more week, and even then I think it will just be a brief call for starters. The pain is still too great and I miss him too much.

I went up to LA for the first time since the break-up yesterday, for a friend's birthday. We spent the whole day and much of the night walking around downtown LA. It was a lot of fun, except passing so many places I had been with Ben was quite difficult, as was knowing that his house was a 10 minute drive from where we were. The night kind of ended up a bust . . . a friend of a friend who was in the group got wasted and kicked out of the bar we were in . . . then wouldn't get let into any other bars. By the end of the night I was tired and feeling really sad.

One interesting thing about the day . . . another friend of a friend tagged along who was pretty cute. Turns out he's gay and newly out. I chatted with him quite a bit. Nice guy, just moved over from Europe. Mixed ethnicity (just like Ben, oh boy). He added me on Facebook and asked me to drop him a line next time I'm up in LA. At the very least, I have a new LA buddy!

I've started chatting and meeting up with guys from the dating site again. I met up with one Thursday night at a local bar. We've been Facebook friends since last year, but never met up in person. He knew about my breakup and so it was more of a friend get-together than an actual date. He was really cool. Slightly on the feminine-acting side, which I don't always find attractive, but then again Ben had a little bit of that too and I grew to like it. We had a great conversation, and he has a really good sense of humor. I think I'll be seeing him again.

Today I went on a date with a guy who is quite a bit younger than me (by five years). He's really cute and nice, but I didn't really feel the right "chemistry" (oh great, now I'm saying it). He was a bit on the quiet side, and a little too boyish for me. I don't want to date someone who still looks like a teenager. I also need someone a bit more outgoing, who can carry on a conversation without me having to do most of the work. Too many awkward silences. Still, a really nice guy and I wouldn't mind seeing him again. He texted me afterward to see if I would be interested in meeting up again. I said yes, but with the caveat that it would have to be as friends.

There's another guy I've been chatting with who I like quite a lot. Based on his messages he seems like he would be quite talkative and funny. We've made plans to go hiking at some point. I think I will wait at least a week if not more. I want to take things slow for now since I'm still hurting from my break-up.

Oh, and curiosity got the better of me. I checked Ben's profile on the dating website after it disappeared from my search results. Now he's listed as "straight." I assume this is because he figures it will be easier for him to meet up with girls that way than if he's listed as "bisexual". Then I presume he would tell them the truth a couple dates in. Still, a pattern is definitely emerging. For someone who supposedly values honesty, he is definitely not above fudging the truth to make things easier for himself. Whether it's telling me the relationship is going well for him (until he's ready to tell the truth . . . too late) or labeling himself as straight on the website. Basically, he's honest but only on his own terms and in his own time. Let's see how far that gets him in future relationships.

I'm working under the assumption that Ben does not read this even though I gave him the link. I figure he doesn't care enough to read it. If he does . . . well, feel free to announce yourself in the comments. Sorry for all the harsh words but . . . well you kinda deserve them. At the same time, I really feel sorry for you and the confused state you must be in about what you want. Believe me, as you may be able to tell from the title of this blog I am no stranger to confusion. If only you had opened up to me about this sooner, we could have talked about things and maybe I could have helped you start to sort things out. Maybe someday I will still get that chance. But before that happens, before we can be friends . . . I'm going to have to learn to trust you again.

Communication breakdown

My anger has faded. Now I'm back on the path toward acceptance.

A few days ago I logged into Facebook and got a message in my news feed that Ben had changed his relationship status to "Single." I had already removed "In a Relationship" from my profile, but I did it in secret. Ben didn't think to do that, so his status change went out to all his friends. So I went and made my status "Single" so it would show up on news feeds too. Yeah, I know. Silly me.

Anyways, my uncle and aunt called me a little while ago to express their sympathy over the dissolution of my relationship. They learned about it from that Facebook post. I appreciated that soooo much! This is the uncle and aunt that are the parents of my three cousins (aka, my best friends in the world), but are also the very conservative, Fox News watching relatives that I had been worried about coming out to. So for them to call me like that made me feel very loved and accepted. They were sad that they never got to meet Ben, especially after hearing such great things about him from those who had (my parents, my cousins, and me of course).

The other night I was browsing on the dating website and was randomly messaged by a guy in Georgia. Turns out the guy just wanted conversation, and we ended up getting into quite an interesting one. He's two months into a relationship, and he finds himself in Ben's shoes. He feels that his boyfriend is way more into him than he is. I advised him to be honest and open about his feelings, and to not lead his boyfriend on by pretending everything is okay when it's not. But since they're only two months in, I also encouraged him to give it some time. I told him about my plan to reach out to Ben eventually, probably after a month of zero contact. He didn't think a month was enough time at all, especially since the breakup was one-sided.

Heck, everyone seems to have an opinion about this. How long should the "No Contact" period last after a break-up? I've read several answers to this question on the internet. Some say a month. Some say two months. Some say half the length of the relationship (which in my case would be more like four months). And then there are those that say forever, that you should just move on and not even try to be friends with an ex. I can't stand people who say that. Everyone's different, every relationship is different, and every breakup is different. To say that exes should never try to be friends is such a ridiculous generalization.

How I'm approaching it now: 30 days is not set in stone. Instead, I will assess how I feel around that time, after it's been about a month since the split. I will probably give him a call to see how he's doing and just take things from there. My feelings will then determine whether and when I see him again. Of course, it would be great if he was the first one to reach out . . . that would prove to me he really does want to be friends. But I sincerely doubt that will happen. The ball's gonna have to be in my court.

I do think that before a friendship is possible we are going to have to have a conversation. I want to talk about the things that hurt me the most about the breakup. Namely, 1) the fact that he kept his feelings (or lack thereof) to himself for so long, and was dishonest when I would ask him how he felt about the relationship; 2) the very quick turnaround time between him finally telling me about his issues and breaking things off; and 3) putting up a dating profile just a week (or less) after we broke up.

I just spent several hours watching video clips of the Will and Sonny story line from Days of Our Lives. I want what they have. I want to be with someone who not only says he loves me, but means it . . . and shows it. I don't want to find myself second-guessing about my partner's feelings. I shouldn't have to.

Smash!!!

Be warned . . . Angry SoCalRockFan has been unleashed!!

I was feeling pretty good for most of the day. I thought to myself, "Well, I'm definitely out of the Denial Stage. And even though I'm still bouncing between Sadness and Anger, they're a little weaker each time. I'm making progress!" So I got home and started browsing on a dating site to take a look for any prospects. I don't think I'm quite ready to meet up with anyone, but I just wanted to look. As I looked I began to get sadder and sadder. "Wow, Ben's so much better looking than most of these guys. Man, some of these guys sound like they have very little in common with me. God, I miss Ben. Aw man, how come all the most interesting guys are so far from my area? Well I'd commute if they were worth it. Like Ben." And then it hit me. KAPOW! Ben's face. Staring at me from a shiny new profile, with the words "Online Now". I resisted the urge to click on it (he'd be able to tell). Instead I buried my face in my bed covers and cried for the first time in a week. Not as hard . . . not as long . . . but still I cried. And not just the sadness returned. The anger returned too. I cussed him out, calling him cold, uncaring, heartless . . . accusing him of being out on the prowl for another guy's heart to break. No wonder the turn around between him telling me about his problems and him dumping me was so quick, he couldn't wait to get back out there!

Why this emotional reaction? Perhaps it was the simple realization that he was back out on the market again, lost to me. Or perhaps it was a feeling of betrayal, since he had told me he was going to focus on career right now and didn't seem to be in a hurry to resume dating. Or maybe it was because I had finally started to come to terms with the break-up by convincing myself that Ben was simply not at the stage of maturity where he was ready for a long-term relationship (well, that's still probably true). Maybe my anger is simply due to the fact that the finality of the breakup is confirmed, like finding an obituary in the paper after you heard from someone that your good friend has died.

And I see his profile carries the label "bisexual." He had mentioned that the thought of dating girls again had crossed his mind. Not to come across as biphobic . . . but this experience has made me a little leery of dating bisexual guys. I feel like he used me for dating experience and then jettisoned me when my usefulness had expired. This is exactly why I wanted to figure out whether I wanted guys or girls before getting into a serious relationship, so I wouldn't do this to somebody.

Of course, I was on the site browsing too. But I already had the profile from a year ago. I have no intention to go on dates anytime soon. I'm pretty sure Ben didn't use that particular site before. In fact, I am probably the one who told him about it. So he just made a brand new profile, a week and a half after breaking up with his boyfriend of nearly 9 months. I assume he at least waited until then! Not that he has any healing to do.

Now is my anger rational? Maybe not. He's single, he has every right to be on that site. And so he fibbed about wanting to focus on work for a while . . . or he changed his mind. What was he supposed to say, "Well SoCal, I plan to immediately return to dating so I can find someone better." And yes, it's a safe bet that he's not hurting too much over the loss of our relationship. After all, he had several months of waning feelings to prepare himself for it. Be careful guys, this one's a fickle one!

I really do feel like a recovering addict. I just fell off the wagon so now I have to climb back up. At this point a friendship with Ben seems a lot harder to pull off than it did initially . . . although I really want it to work out. BUT, I only want it to if HE actually wants it. And right now I have no idea how he feels about me. I feel like the last several months were all a lie. I know he "admires" me, but I don't know if he "likes" me. I don't know if he'd miss me at all if he never heard from me again. I guess I just feel totally rejected, and even though he said he wants to be friends, I'm not sure whether to believe it. Heck, I believed all that "I love you" nonsense which HE instigated (hope he learns to throw those words around with more caution in the future . . . hard to believe he really meant it if we didn't have any "chemistry"). And . . . I'm not sure how painful it will be for me to try to be friends with him. I know if it can work it's going to have to be a slow, gradual process. I guess I'll just have to take it a step at a time, after at least a couple more weeks of zero contact.

Ugh, sorry for the anger fest. I'm just sick of hurting! Suddenly the lyrics of something like 50% of popular music make so much more sense to me. I'm so angry at the guy, but I miss him so much! I feel like a piece of myself was ripped out and the wound is slowly healing. I just need to learn to stop picking at the scab. Eeew . . . okay that's a gross metaphor.

Super Bowl Party

I went to a Super Bowl party today at my friend's house. I saw the last two friends that were on my list of people to tell about me dating guys, and I told them both. They both took it really well, as I knew they would. I used to live with them both, and they are really cool, awesome guys. They also listened to my story of the relationship with Ben, and the end. My one friend, Ryan (who is actually Philip's older brother) was a really good one to talk to, because he has successfully remained friends with almost all of his ex-girlfriends. This doesn't surprise me. Ryan is one of the most friendly, caring people I know. He has so many friends . . . I've been to numerous parties at his place, and every time I feel like 2/3 of the people I've never seen before (maybe he just goes through friends fast? haha) But there's always a core group that I see a lot. Anyways, hearing about his success reassures me that it will be possible in my case to remain friends. How good of friends remains to be seen, but I think it's worth a try.

I've pretty much written off the possibility of us getting back together at this point. Although the other night I did dream about it happening. Then awoke to the crushing disappointment of it having been just a dream. Anyways, I think Ben has some things to sort out before he's ready for a truly lasting long-term relationship, including improving his communication skills. Everyone I talk to shows the same surprise and sympathy for the whole 4-day turn around between Ben telling me about his problems and breaking up with me, which definitely makes me feel vindicated. I hope I never blindside someone like that. If a relationship of that length is positive at all I think it deserves at least a week or two of mutual problem solving and complete openness.

Also this weekend, I talked on the phone for quite a while with an old friend from middle/high school. We've chatted on FB in the past year, but this is the first time I've actually talked to him since our school days. He is gay and is living in a different state with his partner. It was neat to swap stories about coming to terms with ourselves and coming out.

As you may have noticed, I posted a video of myself covering that Madonna song on the guitar yesterday. Kind of a big deal for me, since I've never posted video of myself (though my face is blocked). Credit socrkid17 and ClosetCarGuy for having the guts to do it first. What did you guys think? Maybe I'll do it again sometime.

Don't look back in anger

Hi everyone.

First of all, thank you so much for all of the thoughtful comments. Even though I haven't met (most) of you in person, it warms my heart to receive your sympathy and advice. I'm sorry I couldn't give my story a happy ending with Ben. That was part of the reason I chose to continue this blog well into our relationship, even after I ceased to be "all mixed up" about it. I wanted to give hope to any other confused, doubtful guys out there that they could find the relationship of their dreams.

Well, even if the relationship ultimately didn't go the way I wanted it to, I still hope that anyone reading this can take something positive away from it. Just a year ago I was still in the midst of confusion and a years-long analysis paralysis. I finally took a leap of faith into the dating scene, which started out as just an experiment. I had doubts about whether I could find a guy in real life with whom I would be interested in pursuing a relationship. In no time at all, I met an amazing guy who I thought was attractive, nice, and interesting. Though he initially just wanted to be friends, I pursued him and entered into a wonderful, exciting eight and a half month relationship with him. I hit so many milestones during that time. I came out to the rest of my family and friends. I took him to my ten year high school reunion and thus came out to many of my high school acquaintances. I experienced sexual activities for the first time. I learned how to be affectionate and intimate in a romantic way, and found that I greatly enjoyed it. I learned to be comfortable in my own skin, to embrace my attraction to guys and discuss it openly with someone. And now that I've experienced heartbreak, I've hit another milestone that so many people face at least once in their lives.

I will remember my times with Ben for the rest of my life. As difficult a year as 2010 was for me (Europe trip excluded of course), 2012 was overall amazing. Yes, it did have the stress of applications (which also didn't pan out), but Ben helped shelter me so much from the stress I may have experienced otherwise. We did so many fun things together . . . concerts, bike riding, hiking, movies, cuddling, trips to Catalina, San Francisco and my parents' house in the Midwest, kayaking, karaoke (which I had never done before I met him, now I can't wait to do it again), and so much more. I may have eventually tried sky diving, but who knows, maybe I'll do that with someone else some day. We met multiple members of each other's families and close friends, building up a shared social network. We talked, joked, and laughed. We counseled each other through the worries and doubts of life. We spoke every day, and I thoroughly enjoyed the opportunity to get to know another person so intimately.

In the end, I think what brought our relationship to a close was a discrepancy in our desires. I'm trying to move away from blaming my own actions or inactions. I realize that the most important part of a romantic relationship for me is companionship. When people refer to their significant other as their "best friend" or their "better half" . . . that's what I want more than anything. That's why I felt so fulfilled by my relationship, because I had that in spades. Ben, however, seems to desire more. To him that "spark," that "chemistry" is a necessary element. Perhaps it is my less sexual nature that makes it hard for me to grasp this. To me it seems that those types of passionate feelings, though great, are fleeting, often rooted in lust and are a poor substitute for true compatibility in the long run. They can ebb and flow, and sometimes are built up over time. Ben seems to feel that they are either there, or they aren't. He's not alone, after doing an internet search it seems to be pretty common for some people to treat chemistry as "all or nothing" and others to treat it as more of a process.

So once again I am troubled by my low sex drive. Though Ben claimed it wasn't an issue, I wonder whether our "chemistry" would have improved if I was more sexually driven. Oh well, back to the drawing board. Gotta play the best game you can with the cards you've been dealt.

As far as Ben is concerned, I look forward to the day when we can be friends. I don't know how long it is appropriate to wait before asking to meet up again. I'm thinking a month, just to give me time to flush as much bitterness and frustration out of myself as I can. I know this entry has a noticeably more positive tone to it then the last couple. Well, I'm sick of being angry. I don't want to harbor a grudge toward Ben. He did what he felt was best. Maybe he didn't do it in the best way he could have, but he's only human. He's a very caring person, and I know he would only hurt me if he felt like it was necessary to avoid greater hurt for both of us down the road. Who knows, maybe someday he will regret his decision. Maybe by chasing something elusive and intangible he is giving up something that could have been great. But if that's the case, there's only one way he'll learn that. If he'd stayed with me, he may have always had the discontent born from the feeling that he could have something better. It would have bred resentment.  I certainly didn't feel like I was "settling," but if he stayed with me maybe he would have felt that way.

As for me, I would love to think I can find that elusive passion as well. I'm not convinced that I'm wired for it, but who knows.

Against all odds

The slog continues. Ben's best friend and his husband (yep, a gay married couple, you would think Ben would have consulted them about his gay relationship troubles, but nope) had sent me a Christmas gift (so thoughtful!!), so I sent a Facebook message to thank them and wish them well. Surprisingly, Ben's friend didn't already know about the breakup. Well, he does now. You're welcome, Ben. One less awkward conversation you need to have. Don't worry, I didn't say anything judgmental, I just acknowledged that it's over and we hope to still be friends. I definitely have some things to work through first, though.

I can't help but ruminate about the relationship to try to figure out what made Ben fall out of love with me. Memories flood back of Ben calling me "a treasure" as we lay cuddled on his bed, of Ben's best friend messaging me and saying Ben was "so happy," of Ben saying in an online chat how I was so good to him and how he wanted to kiss me and hold my face. Impressive act he put on for someone with whom he supposedly had no chemistry. Yeah, I know I'm bitter about that whole "no chemistry" thing. Well, I think part of the problem was I had a different understanding of the word. To me, "chemistry" is when two people get along swimmingly, when they have a bunch of common interests and never run out of things to talk about, when they can make each other laugh and are comfortable around each other. To me that describes Ben and I quite accurately, so of course I was offended when Ben suggested he didn't feel it from the beginning. But I guess he was using the word more in the sense of a romantic "spark" (and you all know how I hate that word). That elusive spark is hard to ignite, and even harder to keep burning. The latter is where I fear I failed. I'm afraid I got lazy . . . complacent. Possible moments of guilt jump out of my memory like angry wasps from a burning nest. How poetic of me.

Let's see what Dictionary.com has to say about chemistry:

chem·is·try

  [kem-uh-stree]

noun, plural chem·is·tries.

1.

the science that deals with the composition and properties of substances and various elementary forms of matter. Compare element (  def 2 ) .

2.

chemical properties, reactions, phenomena, etc.: the chemistry of carbon.

3.

the interaction of one personality with another: The chemistry between him and his boss was all wrong.

4.

sympathetic understanding; rapport: the astonishing chemistry between the actors.

5.

any or all of the elements that make up something: the chemistry of love.

My understanding of chemistry between two people is usually a mixture of 3 and 4 above. But Ben must have been talking about # 5.

I guess I'm kind of feeling like its "me against all odds" right now. It takes me years to finally admit and accept my attractions to guys and start dating despite doubts about my sex drive, I find a guy that surpasses my expectations in every way, and he doesn't want me (or more like he doesn't want me, then he does, then he doesn't again). It takes me years to finally work up the interest, courage and self-confidence to apply to med school, and no school accepts me. And at the same time, I feel guilty for complaining about any of this, because I'm fortunate in so many ways its not even funny (that's the beauty of a blog, you can be as bitter as you wanna be).

I went browsing on OkCupid and Match, but it's waaaay too soon to do that without pain. I can't help but compare everyone to Ben. They don't fare very well. It is worrisome to me that I don't find many of the guys on there appealing. I ran into the same issue a year ago. One reason why Ben stood out so much. The old sex drive concerns are resurfacing again too. I felt really fortunate to find someone for whom my low drive was not an issue (allegedly at least . . . maybe it was?).

Not to say he's perfect (obviously, haha). But his imperfections just made him more attractive in my eyes (guess that's what love will do). Yeah, I said it to him many times but I'll finally declare it on this blog. I loved that guy!

Oh well. I'd better learn to unlove him real fast if a friendship is ever going to work. I've experienced a friendship with unrequited feelings before, and it was definitely an emotional strain. I spoke about it once or twice in this blog, but don't make me go look, haha. I'm friends with that guy now, but the feelings are long gone. Mostly because I learned the guy was a massive flake.

Hmm, there's an idea. What do you think? Should I focus on Ben's negative attributes (hasty decision-making, perhaps? ) in order to get over him and allow us to continue on as friends? I don't want to demonize him, of course. That would be quite counter-productive. I just want to emphasize his flaws so he does not seem like quite such an attractive partner. Because right now all I can think of him as is the most generous, optimistic, caring, friendly person I have ever known.

I'm a sap.

Somebody that I used to know

The post-relationship gloom continues. My mom flew into town yesterday, so I was able to talk to her in person about my woes. She agrees with me that Ben's actions don't make much sense. She feels that what we had is what really matters in the long run. Her and my dad don't have much in common, and she questions whether she would make the same choice if given the chance. Meanwhile, my sister has spent years chasing after excitement and passion, passing up perfectly good, compatible guys, and now is in yet another failing relationship.

Not to say that chemistry and passion are not important. I just think what we had was special and rare enough to put a little more work into it. Heck, back in June I wrote an entry describing something very similar to what Ben was feeling. I felt that his feelings were stronger than mine, and I felt guilty about it. True, I did also write that my doubts tended to subside in his presence, which might not be true for him . . . but still, I got over it. and my feelings grew stronger.

The part that bothers me the most? It was a four day turn around between Ben telling me about his problems and him breaking it off. Especially because he said during the first conversation that he wanted to try to make things work. That he would "love" for things to work out. He said that now that everything was out in the open, we could see how things went. I don't know what changed his mind (or more likely, who . . . he has openly admitted to being easily swayed by the opinions and ideas of others), but it saddens me deeply that he didn't feel our relationship was worth a little mutual effort. Relationships take effort after all!

I just can't believe that you can be with someone for 8+ months and then break things off so suddenly. Why didn't he tell me about his issues sooner? Why did he lead me on, telling me he was doing fine in the relationship every time I asked? Why was he the first one to say "I love you" if we supposedly didn't have any "chemistry"?

It is a risk being so candid here now that Ben knows the URL for my blog. Perhaps it was a bit too impulsive of me to share it with him. However, I figure if he reads this it means he at least cares a little bit.

Bringin' on the heartbreak

Thursday night Ben gave me the talk. He broke up with me. I'm not letting him go just yet. I sent him an email just now explaining my side. I hope he takes it to heart and reads it with an open mind. I also shared this blog with him, including some posts I wanted him to read. Who knows, maybe he will read this entry.

Basically, he feels the chemistry is lacking between us. Back at the third date he apparently didn't feel chemistry (what the heck was I feeling then?) After the month in the friend zone his feelings changed, but I guess over the course of the relationship they waned again. He says we look good "on paper" and we're super compatible, but he just doesn't feel the "spark." (Goddamn that spark! Bane of my existence.) In the email I argued that what we have is rare and special, and that I feel he jumped the gun by breaking things off less than a week after he first informed me of this. Relationships take work after all. I feel he has unrealistic expectations (he wants to feel butterflies, etc). So basically he's throwing away a perfectly good, healthy relationship to go chase butterflies. Meanwhile, what we had is what truly lasting, fulfilling, long-term relationships are made of. 

On the way home from work last night I started sobbing uncontrollably. It happened again later that night. I haven't cried like that since I was a kid. I'm in that infamous place where everything reminds me of Ben. One glance at the framed picture of us in my room (that he got me for my birthday) and I was bawling like a baby.

I love his company so much, that in some twisted way I actually enjoyed the break up conversation . . . just because I was in his presence. And he was so considerate during it. At one point I said, "You probably don't want to talk about this anymore." His reply: "We can talk about this as long as you want." 

He said he wants to be friends, if that's okay. And of course I would like that. The thought of having him completely gone from my life is not pleasant. I just hope that I'll be strong enough when it comes to that. 

  

Asymmetry

"Ben and I have passed the eight month mark and things are better than ever." Wow, I feel like a total fool. Let me explain . . .

Last night Ben and his good friend went out with me, some of my friends, and a bunch of others to a theater performance. Ben had to hurry back after work, got stuck in traffic, and had very little time to eat before we left. They wouldn't let anyone in after 8, so it was a bit of a rush to get there on time. He got us there, but I noticed he seemed a bit nonchalant about the time crunch when we were getting ready to go, and his roommate and I practically had to drag him out the door because he wanted to finish cleaning up the dishes.

After the show I wanted to continue on to the restaurant that my friends were going to, but Ben was kind of tired. He suggested I could come back home with him and drive out in my own car to hang out, but I didn't really want to hang out with a bunch of friends and their significant others without mine present. I persuaded him to go at least for a bit, and his friend came too. We ended up having a good time, and after we left he went right to bed (he had work again this morning).

This morning he came back from his work assignment and we talked on the bed. I asked him what had been on his mind last night, just wanting to clarify what exactly had been wrong. Unexpectedly, what he had to say had less to do with last night and more with the relationship as a whole. He said that he feels I am more emotionally invested in the relationship than he is, and he's been feeling guilty about it recently. A couple days ago I did kind of pour my heart out to him about how lucky I felt to have him, and how I talk so positively about him on my blog. I have noticed he doesn't really spontaneously compliment me very much, but at this point I was just chalking it up to the way he is. As you know if you read this blog, there has long been a bit of a discrepancy in the amount of affection we show each other, with me showing much more to him. A while ago he claimed that was just the way he is, that it wasn't me, so I haven't worried about it excessively since then. This new revelation, however, has me reevaluating my entire perception. After our talk he had to leave for another work assignment, so I've just been at his house, ruminating.

He said he wants to give continuing the relationship a go to see how we do now that this is out in the open. I am conflicted about this. On the one hand, I like him so much and would of course like to stay with him. It concerns me, though, that his heart isn't fully in it. He says that we make a lot of intellectual sense. We are compatible in so many ways, some ways that seem pretty special. But I know that a romantic relationship cannot exist solely on what makes intellectual sense. He said he feels I deserve someone who can be as emotionally invested as I am. But I don't want him to break it off based on what he feels I deserve. I want him to break it off only if he feels its right for him.

So, I'm kind of at a fork in the road right now. Everything that seemed so good has just been flipped on its head. Ben's a great person, he makes me happy, and we both enjoy each other's company. However, I just don't see how he's magically going to develop more intense feelings for me if we just continue as we are (especially now that my old insecurities have come back with a vengeance). So part of me wonders whether I shouldn't just break it off now . . . if that's where it's going to end up eventually anyway. Is there any coming back from something like this? I thought I had won him over, but now I feel we're back to "boat without a rudder" (see our third date back in March if that doesn't ring a bell).

Lately I've been feeling so lucky to have someone so compatible intellectually, temperamentally, sexually . . . with similar values and interests. Someone I find attractive, I enjoy being with and talking to. Someone who gets along great with all of my family and friends. But without this intangible emotional investment, what good is any of that?

Now, he is still on the cusp of a major career transition and is still on shaky financial ground, so perhaps the associated stress has something to do with it. I don't know.