I sure have depicted things as unambiguously rosy thus far. It's true, I love spending time with Ben and I still can't believe I found such a great guy whom I have so much in common with. But lately I've been plagued with the ol' enemy: obsessive doubt. This is probably the most confident I've felt that I'm on the OCD spectrum.
It seems that my flavor of OCD is the "pure obsessional" variety, which does not included the usual "compulsions" that one usually thinks of (cleaning, straightening, checking, etc.) Instead, my compulsions are in my head and take the form of ruminating and mental checking. There seems to be two major themes, which I took here from http://www.ocdla.com/obsessionalOCD.html. However for the first one, replace "recurrent fears that one might be a homosexual" with "recurrent fears that one might be straight." Because apparently HOCD can affect gay people too.
- recurrent fears that one might be a homosexual, when in fact he or she is not (sometimes called "gay ocd" or "sexual orientation OCD" or "homosexual OCD" or "HOCD")
- repeatedly worrying that one does not actually love his/her partner, or is not with the "right" person (sometimes called "relationship OCD" or "ROCD")
Basically, it seems that one of the hallmarks of someone with OCD is that they cannot stand uncertainty. It was the uncertainty of the future that caused my career crisis in 2010-2011, and it has been the uncertainty of my sexual orientation that led to this blog. Most people are able to shrug off life's many uncertainties. For people with OCD, it's much harder. All the evidence points to me being predominantly gay. I check out guys way more than girls. I've had crushes on dudes. I'm IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A GUY. And have done sexual things with him. And liked it (well, minus the performance anxiety part). I enjoy cuddling with him, holding him, laying in bed with him. But I still can't shake the doubts.
The silver lining: when I'm with Ben, the doubts subside. I'm able to enjoy the moment. He has a calming effect on me. I even told him as much the other day. I told him I've been having some OCD issues lately, but I didn't specify the themes and suggested it was mostly due to anxiety about my upcoming test results (which is certainly a contributing factor).
I think part of what is feeding it is that Ben keeps telling me about how I'm such a remarkable person, how I'm amazing, how he's told all his family and friends about me and they can tell from his voice how much he likes me. I feel guilt because I really never definitively resolved my sexual orientation confusion. This online dating project was part of the process, and then I ended up meeting Ben. I'm just so worried about not being able to reciprocate the level of feeling, especially in the sexual realm. At the same time I also don't want to lose him. My life really has improved since he came into it.
Anyways, this is what I'm dealing with now. Ben's out of town for a week and a half so I will try to keep it together until he comes back. It sucks with him living so far that I can only really see him on weekends.
4 comments:
I don't think the rest of us "shrug off uncertainty" and go about life happy and carefree. Instead we learn to deal with uncertainty by gathering as much info as we can, weighing the known pros and cons, and making an educated assessment, considering the likelihood of an unwanted outcome vs. the perceived rewards.
Some people, perhaps you -- feel most comfortable deciding once you have every bit of information but the real world doesn't allow you that luxury. Many times you have to decide with imperfect information. Some people fall into the trap of "analysis paralysis" -- so fearful of making the wrong decision, that they make no decision at all thinking that status quo is harmless -- but even no decision often has consequences.
As for your concerns whether Ben is the "one" for you -- yes, there's always a chance someone better will come along -- but you have to consider how long will you wait for him to show up, if at all; you may like him but he may not reciprocate the feelings, and there's whole host of other issues like time, place, availability that have to line up. So you have to decide whether Ben is good enough for you -- because you can always search for perfection but the wait can last a whole lifetime. So many sayings are applicable here -- A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. You never really value something until you have lost it, etc.
Bottom line, if Ben makes you happy, and you make him happy, your personalities and values mesh or complement one another, you have the ingredients for a long and lasting relationship. You would be reckless to give that up to search for something better -- because it sounds like you already have found the best guy for you.
That's not to say either of you are free of quirks and little annoyances -- but you can work through those small things.
Does this resonate with you?: Falling for a guy is frightening in a way that cannot be described. It's not like a fear of heights, it's not like a fear of failure. Perhaps it's most like a fear of success. What if Ben remains an amazing guy? What if he falls for you? The pressure to please him and the desire not to hurt him would be intense. The spotlight would be on you to perform, to step up and fully accept that your relationship is meant to be, and to accept that you are gay. I'm speculating here, based on my own feelings. Am I close to understanding?
I don't know how to conquer the fear. But I can promise that life is always changing. Plenty of men have fallen in love with women, married them, spent decades with them and then slowly realized they are gay. We never hear about them but I'm sure there are men who thought they were gay and later realized they preferred women. The truth is, if you were to make an emotional commitment to Ben today that doesn't mean you'd be making a commitment to a life with him, much less a lifestyle. However, you will flush years of your life down the drain if you continue to fear making an emotional commitment to anyone. It's only by experiencing the full breadth and depth of a relationship that you can truly know yourself, know what makes you happy, and know how you want to spend the rest of your life.
Your fears are rational and are probably very normal. Set them aside as best you can and instead focus on experiencing your relationship with Ben, one day at a time.
You know, there's medication to "blunt" the OCD . . . actually, there are many. I've seen it work, it's pretty impressive. Not saying that you need meds, per se. :-P
Anyway, Ben makes you happy. And that's good. Your doubt seems to creep in when he's not around. And that's fine. Is it possible to live with the knowledge that you may never fully resolve your doubts, and that it might be okay that way?
We'll chat soon I'm sure.
I've had my doubts about Stof when in a relationship of some weeks.
Like is he really the one? Is this it what I'm going for? Do I stop thinking about possible other (hotter, sportier) guys now? Being a sucker for muscled dark eyed, tanned guys (genre Tayler Lautner haha), will I be happy with a skinny guy with blue eyes and blond hair (genre Zac Efron without the muscles he put on lately lol)? Will he like the things about me he doesn't know yet? Will I like his?
It's a big commitment you make, so it's normal you worry about some things. Give yourself a little time to reflect this, like a week or so, but then make your decision and go for it.
And I hope you do, cause Ben really sounds awesome ;-)
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