Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone! 

As the year comes to an end there is quite a lot to reflect on. In many ways this year was the flip side of 2012. Whereas 2012 saw the beginning of my dating life and the discovery of my first love, 2013 saw my first heartbreak and the emotional turmoil that followed. At times it has seemed like a constant struggle to be happy, whereas happiness seemed limitless last year.

However, I grew in important ways this year. Getting into the improv troupe was the highlight of the year by far. What started as just a fun thing to dabble in through taking classes has become a major hobby and a cornerstone of my social life. So many friends, new and old, have expressed interest in coming to see me perform, and that makes me feel very good.

Recovering from the heartbreak has itself been a learning and growing experience. For some, my experience brought us closer and allowed me to give useful advice (my "breakup buddy" Sam). For others, my state of mind caused problems (Brody, and to a lesser extent, Wes). For myself, I should hope the experience has made me more emotionally resilient, and given me a better idea of what is important in a partner. I have learned the importance of emotional compatibility (and emotional stability). 

I hope that 2014 will see the continuation of my healing. I really want to improve my optimism toward finding someone that touches my heart the way Ben did. At the same time, I recognize that it may not ever feel quite the same right off the bat. There's something special about one's first.

Dating has kind of dwindled over the last month or two. Three main reasons for that. First, I've gotten a bit burned out. Too many disappointments, too many dead ends. I decided I needed to slow down and work on myself more first. Second, I've been sick. I've had a recurring sore throat since Thanksgiving. I went to the doctor . . . Turns out it is mono. He could hardly believe it. Usually people in their late 20s are past the age of getting it apparently. Most people get it in their teens and early 20s. I suggested that it could be because I started dating (and hence, swapping saliva) so relatively late. The doc thought I might be onto something. Finally, I've been enjoying getting to know Ron. We live quite far apart and have only gotten together for dinner twice since the beach house weekend, but he seems like a sweet guy and there may be some potential there. Perhaps the good thing about the distance is that it's forcing us to take things slow. And slow is what I need.

Christmas was good. Spent it with family. Tomorrow we're driving up to see uncles, aunts and my cousins. No long distance calls to a significant other in New Jersey time around. 

But as a quote I found on Facebook says:

Don't be sad for someone who gave up on you. Instead feel sorry for them, because they gave up on someone who never would have given up on them.

Happy New Year!

Second date with my San Diego guy

I had my second date with Ron this week. We met midway between us and had dinner. When we first met he had quite the bushy beard. This time he was clean shaven, and looked quite good. Dinner was nice, then he drove us down to a nearby pier. By then it was dark and there were few people around. Just some fisherman. It was pretty crazy walking to the end of the pier, away from the city lights and toward the dark expanse of ocean. It felt like being at the end of the world. We put our arms around each other, but I let him know about the bad sore throat I'd been experiencing so we didn't kiss on the mouth. When we came back to the shore we watched some trains go by, then went to sit in the car to warm up. We cuddled while listening to Christmas music on his car radio. Eventually the time came to part ways, so he drove me back to my car. He suggested we meet up again next week.

Unfortunately our time is limited currently as he works weekends and we live quite far from each other. Still, I'd like to keep seeing him. I have a chemistry and repor with him that is quite enjoyable.

I seem to have reached a new breakthrough in my interminable recovery from being dumped, which happened more than 10 months ago now. I exchanged friendly emails with Ben over the holiday, and I was a lot less distant and more friendly than I was last time. I left him with my hope that he would eventually be ready to work with me to achieve a friendship, but I said that now was not quite the time. I don't know if this had anything to do with making me feel better, but in a way it felt like taking the power back. I also suggested that perhaps some day he and his boyfriend could check out one of my improv shows after we're back on good terms. I hope to be able to count both of them among my friends eventually. I'm getting better at not dwelling on all the crap. If I want their friendship I'm going to have to just forgive.

Other than Ron dating has kind of slowed. I was getting too discouraged and I realized too much of the dating I did this year was about me trying to find a replacement boyfriend to heal the hurt and loneliness. I'm easing back now. I like Ron so I'll keep seeing him, but I'm keeping my expectations in check. There's still the instinct to compare, but I'm trying to fight it.

That's it for now!

Second chance

Okay, time to finish the story from a couple weeks ago.

So, before I went to San Diego I came upon Eric's Facebook profile through a mutual friend. I somewhat impulsively decided to text him to see how he was. To my surprise, he responded by calling me and we talked for a while. He seemed happy to hear from me, and suggested we meet up again. Now remember, this is the guy who cancelled on my three times in one week after we had an awesome first date. Suffice it to say I was approaching him with much caution. However, he told me in the conversation that he had realized recently he had a tendency to push people away and he was trying to change that. So, I decided to give him another chance. But, HE would have to lead the way, and I considered him on "dating probation."

One wrinkle: I added him on Facebook, and on the way down to San Diego Wes asked me, "How do you know Eric?" Turns out he knows him too, and went out with him a couple times. "He's an asshole," he said. Later he elaborated that he didn't really quite remember why the guy was an asshole, but they had dropped out of contact. It was definitely jealousy talking. I felt bad, but I knew I had to make my own decision about Eric.

We texted back and forth a bit while I was in San Diego. The day after my long date with San Diego guy, I was at work texting with Eric to set up a meet up. I said I could meet that day or the next. He said he was free that day, so we made plans for him to come to my place. That night he did, and we went and got sushi and frozen yogurt. We had a good time, and good conversation. The conversation continued in the car while we finished our yogurt, then we ended up making out. After that I invited him to come back to my place to watch a movie or something. I wasn't sure if he would go for it, since he usually gets up really early, but agreed.

We get back to my place, and start cuddling/making out on my bed. The TV never gets turned on. I don't necessarily have the intention of things going further than cuddling, but things escalate. Note that HE is the one that escalates it. He removes my shirt. He unbuttons my pants. So I do the same to him. Before long I'm naked, then he is. We do hands, we do mouths. Here he is, the fourth guy I've done anything with in bed, right after the third.

Problem is . . . he gets curious for some reason. He stops for a moment and asks me when the last time I did something with someone was. I . . . am an honest person. "Recently . . ." I stammered. "This weekend?" he asked. "Yes." Damn, why couldn't this have happened any time but now?

I asked him if that was a problem, and he said no. But he asked further questions. "Who was he?" "What did you guys do?" I assured him it was a date from OkCupid who lives in San Diego, and all we did was hands. However, my thoughts turned to the pictures I posted on Facebook of the San Diego crew, which included Wes. Perhaps Eric thought I was dating Wes, and was cheating on him? Or maybe he's just very prudish when it comes to these things (and here I thought I was, haha).

In any case, we continued for a bit after the awkward pause, but then suddenly Eric got up and said, "Sorry to cut it short, but I get up at 6 in the morning." He dressed, gave me a kiss, and left. I never believed for a second that it wasn't about the revelation about me having fooled around with someone in SD.

My suspicions have been all but confirmed by the fact that Eric is no longer texting me. Now that we are Facebook friends though, I see that he is a little . . . strange. And after talking with Wes about it in more detail, it seems that Eric really does have a track record of being flaky.

I have no regrets about giving him another chance. I got better closure this time, and can now confidently say that he is just not right for me.

Meanwhile, I have made plans to meet up with San Diego guy again after the Thanksgiving Holiday. Let's christen him. I'll call him Ron. Because he currently has a beard and is from San Diego. Just like Ron Burgundy. :-P

Weekend by the beach

Ok, let's see if I can bust out the San Diego story before I fall asleep, haha.

Basically, it was a crazy weekend. YouTube Guy (I'm gonna have to give him a proper pseudonym one of these days haha), his boyfriend, Wes and I drove down to San Diego together. Nina was renting a beach house for the long Veterans Day weekend. Also in attendance were my buddy Walter and several others. Walter was the only straight guy. This held true even on Saturday night when a bunch of Nina's friends joined us. This introduced two guys who I later learned were bisexual. One was a super tall (6'6!), blue-eyed hunk of a man from Minnesota. The other was a really cute Indian guy (who I later was told is half Italian...yowza). Man, if I had known that night they were bi...I probably would have had more to drink, lol.

Out of all of us, Nina was definitely the craziest party animal. It seems every time someone new came over she had to run away and put on clothes. She's . . . a free spirit, that one. She made it her mission to make out with this one girl. She did, but while black out drunk so she didn't even remember meeting her the next day.

It was great seeing YouTube Guy and his boyfriend so soon after they visited before. They have really become close friends and have been helping me try to put my personal life back together. And not just by pressuring me to buy Andrew Christian. Speaking of which, the tall guy was dared to put YTG's boyfriend's pair on. He wore them quite well, haha.

Sunday YouTube Guy, his boyfriend and Wes all had to leave. Nina offered to drive me home if I stayed through Monday so I bid them farewell. Sunday was an interesting day. I had intended to rent a bike, but instead napped a lot. I ate dinner with Nina, during which I spoke to her about my dating woes and my progress moving on. She revealed that Wes had spoken to her and admitted he was confused about why I invited him along. This made me feel guilty. For me it had been a no brainer. He was friends with the group now and he had been at Nina's party the weekend before when we were discussing the trip. It felt natural to invite him since we had been encouraged to invite whoever we wanted. I realized things still aren't totally resolved with him...but after talking to him again last night I think they're headed in the right direction. Nina tried to tell me I should give dating him another chance since he might help heal my still wounded heart. I couldn't do that if the attraction wasn't right though. If I am to compromise on attraction, then why even seek to date guys in the first place? I can't use someone and risk hurting them just to help me with my own issues. That would make me quite the hypocrite.

Anyways, on to the good stuff. Three nights in a row of decidedly gay activities.

Sunday:

Nina, the cute Indian/Italian guy and I came back to Nina's beach house after we went to play board games with her friends. The guy being a bisexual with a serious girlfriend, Nina and I definitely got cozy without pushing the boundaries too far. I already knew that the guy had told Nina I was cute, and in my tipsy state I was a bit emboldened. Imagine the scene: The guy sitting on the couch, me laying with my head in his lap, and Nina standing in front of both of us completely naked. We carried on a conversation like this. Craziness. Much respect to that guy! Although apparently he did say that if he'd been single he would have totally loved to fool around with us.

Monday: I had a date lined up from online. It went REALLY well. We had lunch and talked. From there we moved on to Balboa Park where I went for the kiss as we walked through a cactus garden. From there we went back to the beach house where we cuddled for a while, had dinner, and watched TV. And then this guy became the third guy I've done things with in the bedroom (it was so nice having such a big bedroom!) It was only hand jobs (this was the first date after all), but it was nice. And I even impressed the guy with my . . . projectile range haha. After that we showered together. Nina texted me offering to drive me back early the next morning before work, which meant my guy could spend the night. In the end the date went from noon one day to 5 am the next morning. I'd call that a success!

Since then we've talked about meeting up again. Now, there is quite a distance between us...but I'm just looking forward to seeing him again and seeing where it goes. No expectations.

Tuesday:

The next morning after my guy left I was treated to the most beautiful sunrise over the water. I wish he had been able to stick around slightly longer to enjoy it with me. In any case, I took tons of pictures then Nina drove me home.

At this point dear readers I need to go, but the story is not over! Tuesday night I had a date with someone from the past...a few months ago that is. I'm still scratching my head over what went down that night. To be continued!

Unfriend

I've fallen behind on this blog! So much to tell about a recent weekend in a beach house that my friend rented. No time for those stories now though. Teaser: it culminated in a bedroom experience with the third guy I've done things with. Then number four was the very next day. Shut up...don't judge.

For now, I'll just say that today I finally took a step that was long overdue. I defriended Ben on Facebook. The main recent catalyst: He changed his profile pic to him and Daniel Newguy. I wasn't following his updates and haven't been to his page in months, but the pic came up when I was searching for someone with a similar name. I don't need to see that. Plus, he stopped liking my posts months ago and I haven't liked anything of his since he kicked me to the curb. So basically us being Facebook friends at this point is pointless. It's just a placeholder for a friendship that may never happen. If it does, he'll have to come to me. I did my part. I reached out oh so long ago and he was rude and condescending to me. All he had to offer was a conditional, one-sided friendship. The way I remember it, it brings to mind Invasion of the Body Snatchers. The caring, generous guy I had fallen in love with had been replaced by a cold, emotionless pod person that could look back at the memories of the ten months we'd known each other and feel nothing. 

Wes said something to me today at the gym which struck a nerve. I know he's still a little bitter about what happened between us. He said, in support of me unfriending Ben, "Ben ruined you for all the guys you would date after." Kinda messed up and I called him out on it, but it rang a bit true. I still feel so emotionally scarred from the experience, and I know it has left me with serious dating hang ups.

So, the unfriending is my way of symbolically throwing up my hands and leaving Ben's status in my life to fate, and to him. It is time for me to stop holding the friendship train for him. Either he sees the value of having me in his life someday or he doesn't. If he does he knows where to find me, if he doesn't, then good riddance. I won't be the one to convince him.

Ups and downs

Time for an update.

Things are still up and down. The week before last I had quite a great week, despite the fact that I was a little under the weather with a sore throat half the time. I went to West Hollywood for Wes's birthday, which was fun. We are becoming pretty good friends. I'm sure he'd still be interested in dating me, but I'm just not in the right place for that. I'm keeping an open mind, but I realize I do need to trust my gut.

Monday I had sushi with a couple that I know through the LGBT social group. It was a lot of fun. They're both super nice. Tuesday I went to my very first drag show at a bar in Long Beach with a guy I met on Grindr. Nice guy, but he's definitely one of those mixed messages types. He told a friend of his at the bar that we weren't on a "date," just a "hang out." But then we ended the night making out. He started to get a little more frisky than I'm comfortable with on a first date so I told him I take things I little slower than that. He seemed understanding, though a little disappointed. Since then he has been less communicative, but still texts me randomly. He has not proposed another meet up, and did not respond when I did. So frustrating. I randomly ran into him at a bar, which was a little awkward. He was friendly, but it may have just been an act. I've backed off, but still he'll randomly text me to ask how my day's going. Blah.

Anyways, despite that bit of frustration the rest of the week was good. YouTube Guy and his boyfriend came to town and stayed with me for three nights. This was only the second time I've seen them in person (the first being the San Francisco trip in September 2012). They were a blast. I got a lot closer with them, and they gave me a lot of dating advice. I feel like they sort of think of me as a project. They even pressured me into buying a pair of Andrew Christian underwear in WeHo, lol. I took them and some other friends (including Wes) to my improv troupe's Halloween show. It was a great time. Afterward we went to a local gay bar (where I ran into Mr. Mixed Messages) and then back to my place. Nina, her boyfriend and Wes all were there too. It was so nice having so many friends over. I really felt the love :)

After the fantastic visit from YouTube Guy and his bf, last week was a bit of a letdown. Wednesday especially was hard. I was just about as depressed as I've ever felt. I thought about Ben all day long. I still miss that fucker so much. I think my frustrating experiences with dating since then have also contributed. Promising prospects go nowhere. Guys that seem like a good match stop responding. Guys that are into me don't do it for me. And every time my prospects dwindle I once again start wondering about dating girls, just to try it. Then I find myself checking out guys and wonder how exactly dating girls would improve things.

I spoke to my mom on the phone that day. I told her about how, even after more than nine months, I still can't get Ben out of my head. She admitted that she has a hard time understanding it. She said that she has experienced break ups before, but never took it this hard. I asked her if the guy she lost had been the best friend she'd ever had. She said no. I responded, "That's how I felt about Ben." I think she was able to empathize a little more after that.

Hanging out with friends later in the week helped to improve my mood. I had dinner with Janice and went to the gym with Wes. Improv practice was a fun bonding experience since in honor of Halloween people were allowed to drink (drunk people doing improv is a whole new level of hilarity). I was invited by Nina to spend the weekend in San Diego with her and a bunch of friends next weekend.

Meanwhile I constantly try to think of new ways to help me get over Ben. I remind myself that he has serious emotional and intimacy issues, that it was not my fault. I tell myself that it was him, not me, that failed. The relationship was an amazing experience for me, and if he was unable to take the same joy from it as I did and approach it with the same level of optimism, then that's his loss. Despite my difficulties finding other people I click with as well, I try to reassure myself that there is someone out there. Someone with the emotional maturity to give a relationship the respect and effort it deserves. Someone who is able to recognize a good thing when they have it and not always be checking out the grass on the other side of the fence. Someone who is not intimidated by expressions of love and affection. Someone who doesn't just talk about the importance of communication and honesty, but actually practices what they preach.

I do feel I'm making progress though, despite periodic setbacks. Just the other night I had a dream in which I was in Ben's house (although it resembled my childhood home). However, the dream revolved around his roommate rather than him. His only appearance in the dream was when I walked by his room to see him laying in bed. Rather than approach him, I turned my back and kept walking. Perhaps the meaning of the dream is this: I can't expect to expunge Ben completely from my mind. However, that doesn't mean I can't choose not to dwell on it. I'm working on it.

Unfortunately last night I had a dream that we were back together. Oh well.

The story of Wes

Once again it's been quite a while since I updated. I had quite the difficult decision to make recently.

Things continued to progress with Wes since the last entry. However, I continued to be on the fence about him. Despite the fact that I greatly appreciated his affection and communicativeness, I just couldn't get excited about him. On the physical side of things, he was prematurely bald and had a bit of an overbite, though his smile was nice. On the chemistry side of things I just didn't feel the kind of intellectual compatibility that I had felt with Ben.

Part of me really wanted to continue on with him. He was very into me. He would constantly compliment me, saying how adorable I was. He told me he hadn't felt this way about a guy in a long time. He was super patient, knowing full well I had had my heart broken and was a bit gun shy about getting serious. We did a bunch of things together, including going hiking, going to the movies, and going to the gym. He and his friend (the one that encouraged us to kiss in WeHo) even came down and attended one of my troupe's improv shows with me.

There were several factors that pressured me to make a decision about Wes before things went on much longer. First, his birthday was coming up in a few weeks. I did not want to let him go too close to his special day, nor did I want to feel like I was leading him on when the day came. Second, I continued to want to see other people. When I was dating Ben, I lost the desire to date anyone else because I liked him so much. With Wes, I kept hoping that I would meet someone who would give me a reason to break things off with him. A month after we had first gone out (last Monday), I went out with a new guy and had a really good time. We seemed to have a lot in common, the physical attraction was better, and we seemed to be more on the same wavelength in some ways. Third, I was very worried about doing to Wes what Ben had done to me. I did not want to lead him on, make him think that my feelings were stronger than they really were. If I wasn't feeling it, it was important for me to be honest sooner rather than later.

Tuesday was the latest dinner for the LGBT social group. I invited Wes to come along, as well as my old friend Jake the Australian. Throughout the dinner Wes would reach over and rub my arm as he liked to do. Though I appreciated the gesture, each time he did it made me feel more guilty. When Wes went to the bathroom Jake asked me whether we were dating. My hesitation before responding spoke volumes. I told Jake about how I was worried I was holding out for the same feeling I had felt with Ben. Jake has been going through something similar. Last time we talked we discussed how hard it is to recapture the feeling of one's first love.

I had talked to several other people about it, including my mom, my cousins, friends, and my therapist. Finally I decided I needed to come clean. I had been honest with Wes about how I was taking things slow, but now it was time to be honest that I simply wasn't feeling the same as he was. After the dinner he gave me a ride to my car and I asked him if we could just be friends for now. He was disappointed and a bit confused, but he agreed. Since then he has told me I am still welcome to attend his birthday outing, so that's good.

Since then I have been second guessing myself of course. Even though I don't feel like I led him on, and certainly didn't date him for eight months before being honest, I still feel like I pulled a Ben, like I threw away something good to hold out for some possibly unattainable ideal. One positive thing that has come of this though . . . a lot of my anger toward Ben has faded now that I have been in his shoes. I recognize that letting someone go who is very into you is not easy. I can't imagine how hard it must have been for him, since we had been together much longer and were much more serious.

As for the guy from last week, I went out with him again yesterday to see a movie. I enjoyed his company, but the conversation seemed just a little bit more strained this time. I texted him earlier to see if he wants to hang out again this week, but no response yet.

My mood is still fairly good. I've taken to snapping my wrist with a rubber band whenever I start thinking about Ben at work. I also am keeping a gratitude journal and using a website called Happify which has exercises designed to improve the quality of your life. I am constantly on the look out for new ways to appreciate what I have and not get down about having lost Ben.

So if anyone has any further ideas, I'd love to hear them!

Things are looking up

Been a while! It has been a busy month.

First off, I'm happy to report that I feel a lot better than I did last month, especially over the last couple of weeks. It has been just about eight months since my break-up (almost as long as we were together), and I FINALLY feel like I'm making progress in getting over it. Not to say that I no longer think about Ben every day. I do. And I still get into sad moods about it and miss him. But, I'm getting a lot better at avoiding dwelling on the good times, and instead focusing on why it didn't work out (namely, his emotional issues and avoidant attachment style). I'm also trying to put less pressure on myself to move on. Before I was giving myself a hard time whenever I thought of him. I'm trying to cut myself some slack now. No matter what Brody said way back in May, it is NOT abnormal the way I've felt towards Ben. I am accepting that I will always have a place in my heart for him and will feel love for him, and that's fine. Nothing to beat myself up over. Overall I'm in better spirits.

I'm also feeling better because I have prospects again. I've been going out with a guy that I met on Grindr of all places. Though I admit the physical attraction could be better (though he does have a great smile), we really seem to be emotionally on the same wavelength. I met up with him and his friends in West Hollywood last night. He really impressed me, and upon some egging on from his friend I ended up going in for a kiss. After that the door was opened and we spent the rest of the night kissing, hugging, holding hands, etc. It was fun, and it made me think of the time I tried to give Ben a kiss in a gay bar and he wasn't comfortable with it. Once again I'm worried about having moved too fast (though at least it wasn't the first date this time). I am a little paranoid about leading someone on and doing to them what Ben did to me. I know not to necessarily expect instant attraction like I felt for Ben, but it's hard not to want to hold out for that since I've experienced it before. I'll be meeting up with the guy on Tuesday. I plan on having a conversation about how I'm not quite ready to get serious yet, but I do want to keep seeing him and getting to know him. I shall dub him Wes.

I decided that I just want to be friends with Jared. He's a little too introverted, a little too feminine, and the herpes thing is stress I don't need. He is a cool guy though. He came along on a hike today. Also along for the ride was Sam, my break up buddy. He is really a sweet guy. I do have some feelings for him, but not sure I'm interested in dating him at this point. I am enjoying our friendship though.

I also went on a date with a new guy last week who is very attractive and has beautiful eyes. We'll be going out again this week hopefully, so we'll see how that goes.

An interesting development: Nick (the grad student that dropped off the face of the Earth) texted me a few weeks ago. He apologized for never responding and asked if I wanted to meet up to grab a beer. We met up last week. Damn is he cute! And I had a great time with him too. But that disappearing act has "avoidant" written all over it. That and he smokes, which is a major turn off. I do want to still hang with him though. I just know better than to pursue a relationship with him. Mixed signals are a red flag that I am paying attention to from now on. I don't need Ben 2.0.

Since I have a number of prospects and have been having positive dating experiences recently, the dating girls idea has been put on the back burner. Honestly I'm probably better off sticking to guys but I will remain open minded. You never know.

In other news, I am obsessed with Steve Grand. He is the openly gay male country singer (though he doesn't actually agree with the "country" label) whose videos went viral over the summer. He only has two songs but they are hugely catchy and sung from a gay perspective. The first two videos below are his songs.

Also, in West Hollywood the other night I spotted the Andrew Christian models Colby Melvin and Brandon Brown! I was a little star struck, haha. They are a couple and are adorable. Check out the third video below.

Roller coaster of love

Guess I will continue the recent trend of writing a post while I'm in a relative good mood, haha. Just to mix it up from the way I usually do it.

This last week was really tough, one of the toughest in a while. Which exemplifies the roller coaster I've been on. Not tough in the sense that it was hectic or anything. Just mentally tough. I was plagued by depression and anxiety . . . the kind of anxiety that is with you the second you open your eyes in the morning. The sexuality doubts have weighed on me heavily. I have seriously been considering ways that I can get out and try going on dates with women, just to check that off the list and see how I feel. I came across a Meet Up group in LA that organizes "practice dates" for people who want to gain dating experience in a more laid back atmosphere. I'm thinking of looking at that. Once I found out about that some of my anxiety lifted. Another thing that helped was reading polls on the internet about girls and their willingness to date bi guys. There seems to be a fair number of girls out there who don't have a problem with it.

The fact that these two things (the practice dating group and the idea of dating girls not necessarily being a lost cause if you've dated guys) helped lift my mood made me realize a large part of what gets me down: lack of hope. When I feel like things are hopeless I get overwhelmed. When I go months without finding a guy that attracts me a fraction of the amount that Ben did, I get discouraged and start to peek enviously at the greener grass that is the larger heterosexual dating pool. I did a very OCD thing at the height of my worrying: I made a document in which I listed all of the prominent crushes I can remember having in my life, both girls and guys. Both totaled in the 20s, with guys having a slide edge. Then I listed the most prominent characteristics I remembered about each person, to see if one sex or the other really gave me more of an emotional feeling. Generally guys did more, especially if I factor in Lance and Ben, the only two people I can honestly say I've had feelings of love for. But some of the girls had fairly strong feelings too.

My reasoning is, since I am primarily driven by emotional attraction and not at all driven by sexual attraction, it seems like if I found the right girl I could theoretically develop strong feelings just like I did with Ben. It just seems like I would only benefit from increasing the number of prospective partners since I just don't seem all that attracted to most guys I go out with.

Also, my older cousin Gavin got engaged. His fiance, whom I still haven't met, is a fashion model that he met online. I think I partially inspired him to try online dating after my "success." I am happy for him, but I can't help but be a bit jealous.

When I felt like I was at rock bottom I opened up to my mom over the phone. She hasn't always been the most understanding when I talk about my issues, but lately she has had a lot of patience and I greatly appreciate that. She has tried to cheer me up, and instead of doing what many mothers might do and strongly encourage me to date girls, she has instead softly encouraged me to try while also cautioning me to stay true to myself. She really does want what's best for me and my happiness, even if she acknowledges it would be a lot easier for her to be open about my dating life with friends in the Midwest (gossip that she is) if I were dating girls.

As for Jared, I have been continuing to see him. He is definitely the best guy I've dated so far since Ben. He is attractive, smart, affectionate, communicative, straight-forward, and logical. But I remain on the fence with him. We've made out, and last time I saw him I went over to his place and cuddled. However, he's quite feminine, and I don't find that very attractive. Also there's just something missing. I don't have that excited feeling to see him again that I had with Ben from pretty much the very beginning. I'm wondering if I've moved too fast, since we kissed at the first date and started cuddling from the second date on.

The other major problem with Jared . . . he confided in me that he has herpes. He pegged me as the type that might shy away from dating someone who's infected. He has a lot more sexual experiences than I have. Frankly the way I feel is that if I was REALLY into a guy it might be worth the risk since with proper protection you decrease your risk of catching it. But since the other factors have me on the fence, I'm even more unsure.

For now I think I will just try to slow things down. He knows I'm not sure about proceeding, and he has expressed interest in just being friends if I am uncomfortable continuing to date him.

Meanwhile I've been corresponding with a friend of mine, the young law student whom I recently have been advising on getting through his breakup. We hung out a bit last weekend, and since then we've been talking by text every day. I had pretty much friend zoned him, and told him about EVERYTHING that's been bothering me, down to my considering going on dates with girls to broaden my options. Despite this, he has asked if I might want to go on a date sometime down the road once we have both healed more and if things don't work out with Jared or girls. I was so flattered. He is really a super sweet guy. Great sense of humor, good conversationalist, friendly and kind of cute. And I know from our conversations that we are emotionally on the same wavelength as far as our attachment styles go. So, that's on the backburner. He lives quite far away, but you never know. I'll give him a name. He shall be called Sam.

Busy three day weekend ahead. Lunch date tomorrow with a new guy that seems pretty nice. I met him on Grindr and it seems we have a lot in common. Also looks to have a pretty nice body. He cancelled on me once but has been decent about rescheduling so I don't think I have another Eric on my hands. We'll see how it goes. Then in the afternoon is a yoga class with the LGBT social group.

The improv troupe is going well. I made a tough decision this week. I'm trying to take a very impacted class at a local community college for a possible masters program I might apply to. But the scheduling came down to either the class or improv. I chose improv. I know the class may have been the better choice careerwise, but there's always next semester. And the improv troupe is the best thing that has happened to me in a while. It's an opportunity I do not wish to pass up. It has been the highlight of my week, the thing that lifts me up when I'm feeling down. I'm not in a hurry to throw it away.

A much needed pick me up

Seems like whenever I hit emotional rock bottom I have a good first date to lift my spirits, haha.

I had dinner at a sushi restaurant with a guy I met on Grindr last night. Recent law school graduate. I will assign him the name Jared. For no particular reason, haha.

The shopping center where the restaurant was is always super crowded and parking is a nightmare. Jared lucked out and found a spot immediately, but I wasn't so lucky. I drove around the lot in a futile attempt before deciding to try my luck across the street. I saw him waiting outside the restaurant as I drove by, so I shouted, "Be with you eventually, Jared!" He laughed and then texted me an apology for picking a place with such a bad parking situation.

Fifteen minutes later or so I finally joined him. Immediately I noticed that he is quite a bit more on the feminine-acting side than most of the guys I've gone out with, as far as his voice and some of his mannerisms. However, he is also extremely cute.

I informed Jared that I was quite the sushi newbie, having only started eating it within the past year (in order to impress Ben, but I naturally left out that part, haha). I let him take the lead as far as deciding what rolls to order, with my input as far as my likes. We ended up ordering three different rolls, and all were quite good. Salmon, shrimp tempura, and the "spider roll." I was stuffed afterward. Jared is quite skinny and said he doesn't usually eat very much, so hopefully I didn't make him eat more than he wanted, haha.

The conversation was good. We covered a lot of topics from family, travel, school, hobbies, to coming out. I was pleasantly surprised that he was a relative late bloomer too. He didn't first get an inkling that he might be gay until he was 20, which is actually later than me (it was 18 for me). I was a bit disappointed to find out that he is not very close with his family, and his mom is a bit uncomfortable with his sexuality.

Overall the date was very nice. And in the end I was glad I parked across the street. Jared offered to drive me back to my car. He pulled over next to it and we hugged. I gave him a peck on the cheek and he sort of giggled. I decided to go for the whole enchilada. We chatted a bit more about his upcoming trip to Vegas (he was leaving after our date), and then I went for the full kiss. We kissed a bit, and then I took my leave with a smile, wishing him a safe journey.

While driving away from the parking lot I saw him pull over at a gas station to fill up. A few minutes later I received a text from him saying what a pleasure it was meeting me. I was happy that he felt comfortable sending that text so quickly. When I got home I replied, and told him I thought he was extremely cute. He reciprocated the compliment, and said I had great eyes and a great smile.

Today he texted me to say hi and we began chatting. He made it to Vegas and is hanging out with his friends. I was happy that he reached out. There may be potential with this one. He lives close, and he's not evasive. Nor does he seem to be the type to give mixed signals.

Speaking of mixed signals, I got closure in the Eric situation. After still not getting a confirmation from him about meeting up today, I texted him to say, "Never heard back from you man. What's up? Please don't leave me hanging. The ball is in your court."

Eric soon replied, "I'm sorry I've been so MIA. I'm just really trying to keep up. I don't mean to leave you hanging. You're a funny talented beautiful guy and I would be honored to be in a relationship with someone like you but I can't be your guy right now. I'm just not ready or able to date. Just decided to refocus on myself. I hope all the best with you and your career."

Well, I'm glad he finally was open with me. He's obviously got issues and I don't need to deal with that. I replied back that I was sorry if the first date went a little too fast, I just really liked him. I told him I wanted to get to know him better, even if just as a friend, and he knew where to find me.

So I can close the door on that guy. Bummer, but at least this revelation came after my good date with Jared.

As for the other guy that I was corresponding with on Grindr (the one who went to Texas on business), I finally met up with him after improv practice the other night. It was really late and he seemed pretty exhausted. Nice guy and decent conversation, but our texting chemistry didn't really seem to translate to in person, haha. Perhaps he's friend material.

I am still so happy I got into the improv troupe. Weekly practice is a great way to recharge my batteries, especially when I feel like I did well. And it gives me something interesting to share with people. Jared was impressed at how many hobbies I have (improv, guitar, hiking, etc)

Ben continues to "like" my Facebook statuses, especially anything related to my improv exploits. I've been on the fence about whether to ask him to stop or just tolerate it until I'm desensitized. I'll leave it alone for now.

So my mood is better. Here's hoping it sticks for a while.

Ok maybe spoke too soon

Depressing entry alert. If you don't want to hear me whine you might want to skip this one. But it's therapeutic. So here we go.

Yep, that's what happens when I write an entry while in the company of family . . . a bit too rosy a picture.

Now I'm back to what seems like my baseline state of 2013 . . . depressed and anxious. It sucks.

Hopefully improv practice tomorrow will lighten my mood.

Dating has me frustrated. What else is new? I finally got a hold of Kyle, the Filipino guy that I went kayaking with back in June. He's back from his travels and is open to meeting up. BUT only as friends . . . he's in a relationship now. He met someone on his trip and is now in a long distance relationship. As for Lawrence, the law student who I kissed last week . . . he's seeing someone seriously too. Two friend zones in one day! Bam! How come everyone under the sun but Cal is managing to find a relationship?

I cannot for the life of me get Ben out of my head. It has been nearly seven frickin' months! Get out of my head! I gave up trying to be friends months ago, and haven't had contact with him since the birthday exchange in early July. But images, memories, and feelings still torment me at all hours of the day. Whenever I let my guard down I start ruminating about the hurt he caused me, about the mistake he made driving our relationship into the ground to seek greener pastures, and about the wonderful eight months that I will never experience again. And about the seemingly futile pursuit of a guy who can make me feel the same way he did.

The behavior of certain guys disturbs me to no end. I was ready to write off Eric when he texted me last week and expressed interest in meeting up again (unprovoked). So I let him know this Saturday was free. He said he was free after 2. No further plans discussed. So I texted him today, just asking him "How are you?" No answer. And on my new iPhone I can see that he read it. How can you not answer a stupid little message? What is going through his head? You're either interested or you're not! I give up with that guy. As far as I'm concerned I have no plans on Saturday unless he contacts me.

Then there's always Nick, one of the very few guys I've gone out with that I actually thought was really cute. Two good dates and then nothing. Total disappearance. I can only assume something spooked him about me having lunch with our mutual friend. I don't know why. Maybe something between them. It's been a while now but that rejection holds special hurt for me because it was so unexplained.

And I am still plagued nonstop by sexuality doubts. I know several of you have commented on my past worries that I was asexual. Well, sad to say that they have by no means gone away. I don't have sexual feelings, period. Frankly I'm having a hard time even remembering why I decided to date guys instead of girls in the first place. The loneliness is driving me crazy, and the idea of a larger dating pool is enticing. I once again find myself looking at girls, thinking, "Well, how do I know if I don't try?" I think of my cousins and friends that are happy in relationships and I get so down on myself for being this way. Why can't I just have a clear direction? I desire "someone" but whether that someone should be a guy or whether it could also be a girl I just simply can't say. I feel like it could theoretically be either as long as the feelings were there, like they were with Ben. Which makes me feel like a pretender calling myself gay and hanging out with gay friends. All of these guys have sexual desires that are foreign to me. I feel like fundamentally I'm no more gay than I am straight. Only my history now tips the scale toward gay.

I was actually propositioned by a couple on Grindr the other day. They were in town on vacation and wanted to have some fun with a third. No anal, just hand jobs and blow jobs, and making out. I almost went for it. Even though that would fly in the face of what has been my morality for as long as I can remember. Just because I wanted the experience, wanted to increase my sexual repertoire. Wanted to feel like a normal, hot-blooded sexual guy. Hoped against hope that the experience would cause something to click for me. The guy messaging me sent me pictures of his and his partner's dicks to "entice" me. They didn't do much for me . . . I have feelings for people, not genitals. Anyways the guys ended up flaking out right when I started to warm up to the idea. Maybe it's for the best.

Honestly the improv thing is the only positive development in my life right now. Professionally I'm stagnant and have been for some time. Sure my job sounds impressive when I describe it to people (medical related, working with patients). But I haven't moved up rank wise in the past five years, I still am wishy washy about my next step since med school fell through, and I feel unproductive at work due to my procrastinating tendencies and general mental state. I seem to have lost all motivation for advancing my career. What's the point? Amass wealth for the house, wife, and 2.5 kids that I'm never going to have?

My thirties are rapidly approaching and I just wish I could turn back the clock and relive college again. Back when I was at the same level as everyone else and didn't feel like I was falling behind while everyone else grew up and left me in the dust, still asking myself the same questions I've been asking myself ever since I started this blog.

Who am I?

What do I want?

What should I do?

What do I have to offer anyone?

Will I always be alone?

P.S. I know this was a depressing entry, I just needed to vent. I know about counting my blessings. I have a lot to be thankful for. And after working with patients with some pretty horrible diseases I especially appreciate my health and youth. Please remember these entries are indicative of the mood I am in when I sit down to write them.

Getting better

Hello all,

Just been enjoying a relaxing weekend with family. My parents are in town so I've been visiting with them, my sisters, nephews and nieces. My cousin Roger came into town to see everyone as well.

Several bits of news.

First: I actually did hear back from Eric again. He texted me Wednesday morning and even sent a pic of his dad's get well cake. Next best thing to a doctor's note, lol. He even was the one to propose getting together for a date day, such as going to the beach or something. The only downside, he put the scheduling ball back in my court by saying, "If you're ever free on a Saturday..." So much for his promise to meet me halfway this week. So I'm still a little disappointed that he's not more proactive about setting a day, but at least he does want to see me again. I'll probably text him and say I'm free next Saturday, then see what he does with that information, haha.

Tuesday I had a first date with a law student. Quite tall and a black/white mix, which seems to be a pretty cool combo :) Then again I seem to be attracted to guys of mixed ethnicity. Two of the three guys I had kissed previously were a mix (Ben and Josh). I'm not sure about Eric. Guess we can call this new guy Lawrence, because it has the word "law" in it. That's right, I'm original like that. Anyways, we had drinks and chatted. We covered some dangerous first-date topics like coming out experiences and past relationships. Intriguingly, Lawrence was engaged to a woman at one point before coming out. I managed to talk about my relationship very briefly without hinting at how much and for how long its end affected me. Anyways, the conversation was good. I feel my demeanor was nice and friendly throughout, though I may have smiled a little too much, lol. Afterward he walked me back to the structure where I parked and we parted with a kiss. Heck yeah, first kiss number four and it was nice. My first first kiss standing up, and the first done in a public place rather than in a house or a parked car.

I texted Lawrence the next day to let him know that I enjoyed meeting him, and would like to meet up again sometime. He concurred, although I didn't detect much enthusiasm (probably over thinking, it was a text after all). I said I would love to see his new kitten sometime. He responded, "Is that just your way of getting me to invite you up lol" I responded that I wasn't that sneaky, haha. Not sure if he was being flirtatious or what. He hasn't initiated contact since then. I'll probably hit him up soon. I know he's busy getting ready for classes.

Last weekend I finally joined the rest of civilized society and got a smartphone. So of course what do I do that same day . . . Download Grindr. Now before I was against using that app due to its reputation as a hookup app. However, I keep hearing stories of guys meeting their boyfriends on there (including my friend YouTube Guy), so I decided it wouldn't hurt to use it, as long as my intentions are made clear and I don't mind being propositioned once in a while.

I got into conversations with several guys. One happens to be from the state that my parents retired to. Eventually we traded numbers and we've been texting back and forth throughout the week. He went on a business trip to Texas and passed a bit of his downtime chatting with me. He also taught me how to use Emojis, the cute little colorful emoticons. He's pretty cute in his pictures and seems really nice. I'm planning to meet up with him in a few days.

Another guy from Grindr lives near where I'm staying this weekend. Once I leave my sister's house I'm planning to meet up with him. We traded Instagram info. He's really cute.

Other bit of news this week: I got into the local improv troupe. That was exciting. I posted the news on Facebook and got a lot of likes. I was happy, a mood I havent had much since January. Also on Facebook I got some comments of congrats, including from Ben. That got me thinking about him again, sigh. But this troupe will be good. It will give me something to keep my mind occupied. Something I may not have even done if I were still with him.

So, things are going pretty well right now. Nice to not be rejected for once, after being academically and personally rejected at the beginning of this year. Nice that someone recognizes the awesomeness that is Cal. Haha.

Too good to be true

A couple weeks ago, on a Tuesday, I had a first date with a new guy. Let's call him Eric. I had started messaging this guy right before I went to Chicago. It seemed promising. Like me, he plays guitar and likes comedy movies such as Airplane! He had some YouTube videos posted and was very attractive and seemed to have a sweet personality. I met up with him, appropriately enough, in a nearby shopping center inside Guitar Center. We then walked over to a restaurant that had just been put in. Turns out, the restaurant wasn't open to the public yet. They were doing a special reservation-only training evening. I was just about to turn around and walk to another place, but Eric wasn't ready to give up quite yet. The hostess told us that we could try to inquire at the desk inside about reservations for a different night. Eric wanted to check it out, so in we went. To make a long story short, we ended up getting seated that night! And the meal was complimentary since it was a special training event! The only damper was that I wasn't able to order an alcoholic beverage . . . my license had just expired on my birthday, the new one hadn't come in yet, and my temporary one was all the way in the car (very far away in my work parking lot . . . I had walked over from work). So no drink for me, and I had to explain to Eric why I was carrying around an expired license!

Our meal was good. We had a pretty good conversation, with maybe just a few strained moments. He seemed like a really cool guy, though, with a good sense of humor. I liked him. And I admit, I had been crushing on him after hearing him sing on his YouTube videos, haha. A good singing voice gets me, lol. Same thing with what's-his-face.

After dinner we shared a dessert, which is something I almost never have. I don't have much of a sweet tooth and am very health-conscious. But Eric convinced me :-) Then he offered to drive me back to my car since I was parked so far away. On the way he handed me a stick of gum. Hmm . . . the last person who did that was Josh, and we all know where that led. When we got there, my least favorite part of any date came: the goodbye. I gave him a hug, and started to stammer about how I really enjoyed myself and hoped we could meet up again. I awkwardly committed a first date no-no . . . suggesting we set the next date right then. He seemed receptive, and suggested we meet up on Saturday. I said we could go for a hike. He seemed to like the idea.

Then, I decided to go for it. I leaned in and kissed him (something I've never done on a first date . . . heck, he's only the third guy I've ever kissed!) Soon we were making out, massaging each other, and even cuddling a little bit in his car and just talking. At one point I said with a smile, "Now I don't want to go." He replied, "So tell me more about yourself." After we did that for a while, he said he needed to go. Adorably, he offered to walk me to my truck, which was parked right next to his car. We got out and walked over. With a grin he got in the truck bed and laid down, staring up at the stars. I hesitated at first since the truck hadn't been washed in a while, but finally caved and climbed in too. We spooned a little bit in the back of my truck and kissed some more. Then I climbed out and got in the drivers seat to take my leave. Before I could he pulled me close for one more smooch, then returned to his car. Just as I was about to start my truck up and leave, I glanced over and noticed him holding up a phone: my phone. Laughing, I climbed out and walked around to retrieve it. "You did that on purpose, didn't you?" he asked. "I needed an excuse to do this again," I said, kissing him.

Then it was really time to go. "Bye Eric," I said with a smile and a wave. I got into my truck and drove off, on cloud nine. Suddenly Saturday seemed very far away. When I got home, a corny joke he had told me finally clicked in my brain, so I texted him to let him know I finally got it. He replied with an "lol" text, then followed up with, "You're adorable, btw." I was beaming.

The rest of our exchange:
Me: "Aw, thanks. Well you know what they say, takes one to know one."
Eric: "I'm glad I met you, and are you sure you didn't leave anything else in my car?"
Me: "Just you. I guess I'll have to come get you on Saturday."
Eric: "lol cute. Aw, I'm definitely looking forward to seeing you again."
Me: "The feeling's mutual!"

Saturday approached very slowly. On Wednesday I decided to make things fair by sharing my YouTube guitar videos with Eric. I texted him for his email address and he responded immediately. I sent the email to him, but he never acknowledged receiving it. Oh well. On Thursday I texted Eric to start formulating the plan. No answer. All day. Hmm.

Friday I tried again. I like to plan at least the day before. He finally got back to me and apologetically texted, "Cal, is it alright if we postpone tomorrow? Sorry I have to cancel."

I was bummed, and not sure whether this was a legitimate cancellation or not. I said, "Sure thing. Hope we can meet up soon, I really enjoyed meeting you."

He replied: "It's just a family gathering, I enjoyed meeting you too :-)"

I offered: "I'm planning on going to an improv show Saturday night if you're free. If not we'll touch base next week."

Eric: "Sounds awesome! Who's performing, where, when? :)"

Me: "It's the improv troupe I'm auditioning for. They're having a show and I need to attend as part of the try-out process. I can email you the details."

Eric: "Please! I'm going to see if I can make it."

Saturday came. I texted to see if he was coming. A few hours before the show, he texts that he won't be able to come. No worries, it was a shot in the dark. He doesn't suggest an alternate day, though, even though he was the one who cancelled.

During the early part of the week, I texted him to see whether Wednesday or Friday would work for him. At this point I'm feeling a little leery. I was still feeling a bit burned by Nick's unexplained disappearance after two dates went well and he seemed interested. I also didn't want to come off too strongly. I was happy to see that he texted me back, saying Wednesday would be awesome.

Except, come Wednesday it was no longer awesome. Cancellation # 2 (I don't count the improv show since he never actually committed to it). This time he was feeling under the weather. I didn't hold it against him since I had had the same reason for not meeting with him before my Chicago trip. At this point I was a little sick of waiting for him to respond to my texts, so I suggested that if he couldn't meet up maybe we could chat on the phone instead. He did call, and we chatted about making alternate plans. We settled on Friday instead. This time I would drive up to his house and we would eat somewhere near there. He suggested Thai food, which is one of my favorites.

Friday came. Things seemed like they were finally going to go as planned. I texted him for his address and he gave it to me, then said "See you tonight." A few hours later: "Cal I'm really sorry I have to cancel yet again. My dad got hurt at work. I would feel guilty if I went to dinner with you with him being injured. I want to keep an eye on him and find out what happened. I'll make it up to you and meet you half way next week, I promise."

This was Cancellation # 3. Three cancellations in one week. Yes, they all had seemingly valid reasons behind them, but I was feeling a little jerked around. My nature is to give people the benefit of the doubt, but I'm also very sensitive to getting burned right now. I texted him one last time, sending my best wishes to his dad and giving him my availability for the following week (this week). The ball is now in his court. Monday has passed and no word. If his "promise" is good, I'd expect to hear from him soon. But . . . I don't expect to hear from him.

I don't know why I keep running into these flakes. It's like I'm a magnet for them. Maybe it's because I'm using a free dating website. Maybe people aren't as committed as they would be on a paid one like Match. Match is the one that got me my one and only relationship, after all (even though that guy turned out to be quite the flake himself, a flake of communication skills and relationship effort . . . but I digress)

The great first date with Eric lifted my spirits immensely. It seemed like Ben's shadow might finally be lifting. Then when he ended up being yet another flake, it came crashing down again. Who knows, maybe all of his excuses were legitimate. But he still could have been more proactive about rescheduling. If he really had a significant interest in me, he would be trying harder to "make it up to me" instead of leaving me hanging.

Ugh. Dating sucks sometimes. A lot of the time.

Birthday weekend

Hey all,

Still playing catch up. I still want to talk about the date I had on Tuesday night, but not quite yet. Plus, the guy hasn't been the most communicative since then, so I'm not really sure where it's going. Hopefully by the time I write about it I'll have a better idea, haha.

A few days after I returned from Chicago, it was my birthday. I wondered whether Ben would return the favor and email me. Well, he did wish me happy birthday, but only via a post on my Facebook wall (just like everyone else). Shows where I stand, I guess. Talk about the Gotye treatment ("Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing . . .") Oh well. I least he did something.

The evening of my birthday I got together some friends for a fairly impromptu dinner. The people that could make it were an eclectic mix, which was interesting. Nina and her boyfriend came, as well as a married couple and their baby, and another guitar playing friend (who I had not seen in a long time and hence had not yet come out to). It's neat to see friends who haven't met before interact.

I spent my birthday weekend up in Los Angeles. First I had lunch with someone from the past . . . Ben's roommate. He had reached out via Facebook when he saw I'd be up in LA. It was nice seeing him again. He was one of two people I was most sad about losing from my life (not counting the obvious of course). We mostly avoided talking about the elephant in the room, though we did a little bit. He said "Ben says 'Hi.'" I said, "I say 'Hi.'" Later on when the subject of the break up came up he acknowledged that he likes us both very much, and just feels we're looking for different things. Whatever that means. I refrained from talking about Ben himself and just mentioned briefly how I had been hurt by being blindsided. His roommate said that he felt Ben had done what he did to try to preserve my feelings, but unfortunately in the end it made things worse. I agreed. After all, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

My next plan was a hike in Runyon Canyon. Another chance to "reclaim" a locale, since the only other time I'd been there had been with Ben (and his roommate). I invited the roommate to join, which he did. Also hiking were Roger, El Genio, Philip, Rick, and Tom. Philip, Rick, and Tom got stuck in traffic and were quite late, so the other four of us ended up walking all the way to the bottom and then back up to meet them. It was a fun time though, and the weather was great for it. Overcast, cool, and even a little drizzly. The hike ended on a little bit of a sour note though, as Ben's roommate returned my shirt to me. I hadn't even missed it during the past six months. Nice of Ben to tell me he still had it! Oh wait. I see he's still practicing those impeccable communication skills.

Overall meeting with Ben's roommate was positive, though. I'm glad that I didn't lose all of my new friends. I don't want to hang with him too often, but it'll be nice to catch up every once in a while.

After that, Roger, Philip, Rick and I went up to North Hollywood and met up with Lance, Nina, and her boyfriend for dinner. It was great seeing so many of my friends at once. Also great seeing Lance. He's put me through the emotional wringer in the past but I still have a soft spot for him.

We ended the night in a bar, after Lance and Nina's boyfriend had to leave. As we walked in I spotted a cute guy sitting alone at the bar. Nina spotted him too. Now, Nina has had, in the not so distant past, a very abysmal gaydar. She didn't even realize gay stereotypes existed until relatively recently. Her boyfriend has been filling her in. Well, she decided to use her newfound skills and identified the guy at the bar as a potential for me. Now to be fair, he set my gaydar off too. Long story short, she buys the guy two drinks in succession. At first I didn't know what was going on, but decided to use it to strike up conversation with the guy. Then I realized Nina's game. Unfortunately, so did the guy. Not before commenting on how cute the girl was who kept buying him drinks! The gig was up when he said, "It's almost like she's trying to set US up . . ." I admitted sheepishly, "That may just be her intention . . ." He was a good sport about it. Yep, he was straight. But he often gets mistaken for gay. In fact, he said even his mother thought he was gay growing up. Even to the point of making sure he had plenty of positive gay role models in his life! He said it made it almost a little awkward the first time he brought a girl home! Almost like he had to come out as straight! I didn't mind the dead end, I just enjoy meeting people and making new friends. The guy even offered to help set me up with any other guy I found in the bar, haha. Unfortunately after I went to check on my friends my would-be wingman left without saying good-bye. Oh well, it's a good story.

By this time several people in the group were getting tired and Philip, Rick, Nina, and Tom (who were all carpooling) had a long drive. So we left. I later found out that an inebriated Nina (who sorta swings both ways) and Rick decided to visit a strip club. Tom, who has quite the strict moral code, was adamantly against it, while Philip just wanted to go with the flow and not have drama. Bottom line, Tom was pretty much forced to go and Rick acted like a jerk to him. Tom's now extremely pissed at Rick. They've already had a pretty rocky friendship, since Rick doesn't particularly like Tom's personality and has basically cut him off. I'm disappointed in Rick's behavior. He's one of my best friends. I figure I'll have to discuss this with him next time I see him.

My last day in LA was full of social activity. First up was the meet up with the guy who had texted me in Chicago about being dumped. I chatted with him for a while, offering him as much advice as I could and also just generally getting to know him. He's a really sweet, cute guy. Not sure I'm interested in anything more than friendship, but I do want to get to know him better. We've chatted on Facebook several times since. I feel very sympathetic for him, since he's going through what I went through six months ago. Us heartbroken folks gotta stick together!

In the afternoon I went on a lunch date with a new guy from the dating site. He was really fun. We chatted a lot about movies and traveling. He lives quite far from me and is currently unemployed and possibly on the verge of a move, so I'm not sure about anything more than friendship. But once again, I'd definitely like to get to know him better.

The evening meet up was with someone I've met before. A med student who I went on a lunch date with previously. He's a super nice guy, and has very interesting stories. He's nearing the end of med school and plans to enter a specialty that will likely take him far from California for the entirety of his career, so once again not much relationship potential there.

Well hey, at least I'm accumulating friends! Ha ha.

Return to the Windy City

Once again it has been a while since I have posted, and a lot has been going on. I'm not sure whether I should have a massive info dump in this entry or just spread it across several. I guess I'll just start typing and see what happens!

I decided to respond to Ben's email, the one that he sent in response to my Happy Birthday email. I figured it would be rude not to. However, I kept it very short and didn't ask any questions of my own. Pretty much just "Work's going fine. Going to Chicago later this week. Thanks for asking." I'm just not ready to start dialogue with him. I broke radio silence to wish him happy birthday, but now it's time to go quiet again.

Chicago was fun. It was the second time I went. As you may recall, the first time I went to Chicago I had not yet begun dating, and I used the opportunity to go to my very first gay bar. So, I was determined to go back to Boystown this time and experience it as an out gay guy. Unfortunately, I got sick starting the Monday before my trip (I left on Friday). I was much better by Friday, but still not 100%.

Day 1: Lots of travel. I flew over, then had to sit in the car for a long time on the drive from O'Hare to my hotel. Luckily the driver was super nice. He was a Romanian immigrant with quite an interesting life story. That night I explored the area around my hotel a bit and walked down to a mall called The Shops at North Bridge. I like checking out malls in different places. Not so much to shop, just to take in the atmosphere and people. A cute guy at the tea shop offered me samples. After I tried them I left, then decided to chat with him some more and asked him for a recommendation for a pizza place. I didn't get a gay vibe from him so I moved on after that. Back at my hotel I went on the dating website and decided to see if I could use the broadcast function to find some new local friends to hang out with during my time in the city. I ended up getting three responses (all Asian guys oddly enough, I'm not sure whether it was coincidence, whether I tend to attract Asians, or whether they are more friendly on average, haha) I went to bed pretty early in order to try to kick the rest of my cold.

Day 2: My only full day all to myself with no work commitments. I took the metro up to Hollywood Beach, which is Chicago's gay beach, to meet up with the first guy from the dating site and his friend. They were both very nice. I thought his friend was quite cute, and he had a bit of a Southern accent and a very fast way of talking that enhanced the effect. We hung out at the beach for a bit and got acquainted, then we left. I went back with my new friend to his place so he could shower and change (no, no funny business, haha). After that we met the Southern guy again to have dinner and then go drinking. My new friends were quite the drinkers, haha. I didn't drink quite as much as them, for which I am very glad. I still consumed several shots and my head was spinning afterward. We spent some time at a bar where we danced quite a bit and chatted with a group of girls that were out celebrating a birthday. We then ended up at a dance club in Boystown. It was super packed, with poor visibility due to all the fog. At one point my friend (the one from the dating site) disappeared. I assumed he would be right back, that he had just gone to the restroom. But he didn't return. Me and the Southern guy danced for a bit, including me doing a little grinding (good times, lol). Then he took off too, presumably to look for his friend. He didn't return either. I started texting the first guy, with no response. Eventually, after a half hour of wondering through the club looking for them, it was getting really late and I decided just to call it a night and go back to the hotel. I wasn't too pissed about getting ditched, but things would have been different had I been more intoxicated or if I wasn't already familiar with how to get back to the hotel from Boystown. Bless my sense of direction!

Day 3: I woke up with a bit of a headache, and stayed in bed until about noon. That's no way to start a day in Chicago! I hoped that my night of drinking hadn't suppressed my immune system to the point that I would suffer a relapse of my cold. Luckily that didn't happen. The dating site dude finally responded to me, apologizing for having not responded to my texts the night before. Turns out he went home. He would later tell me that it is a habit of his when drunk to vanish and go home without telling anybody. That . . . could be problematic someday. After I got up, drank a lot of water, ate, and took some headache medicine, I felt better. I decided to walk around outside. My hotel was near the Navy Pier, so I walked over by that area. A sign for the architecture river tour caught my eye. A coworker who used to live in Chicago had encouraged me to go on that tour. So I decided to do so. I had my doubts at first . . . the sun was hot and there was no cover on the boat. Ultimately I loved the experience though. The tour guide was great, the views were awesome and I learned a lot about all the different skyscrapers in Chicago. Architecture isn't usually one of my interests, but the guide managed to make it fascinating. That night there was a reception and dinner for work, which I attended. I just stayed in my room afterward, since work meetings the next day would start very early.

Day 4: Most of the day was taken up by meetings. In the late afternoon I met up with the second guy from the dating site. He was very nice. We went to a coffee place to chat. I found him to be much more low key than the first guy. A bit closer to my temperament. We ended up talking about our experiences with relationships. He had a pretty hurtful breakup not long ago too. I informed him that my plan for the night was to go to Roscoe's, the very first gay bar I'd ever gone to, for their live band karaoke night. That was what had most enticed me back in the fall of 2011, and I was determined to go back and maybe even sing this time. He agreed to go with me. We walked down to Michigan Avenue and the Magnificent Mile before I needed to return to my hotel for dinner. After dinner I took the metro up to Boystown and met my friend at the bar. It took a while for the crowd to build up at Roscoe's, but eventually there were a fair number of guys. Some were very good singers! I studied the song list for something I could sing. My voice wasn't yet 100% recovered from my cold, so I didn't want to pick something too ambitious.

My first inclination was to sing "Suffragette City" by David Bowie. Since I envisioned my trip to the bar as a sort of "coming full circle," I thought picking a symbolic song might be good too. When I was with Ben, our karaoke song of choice was "Under Pressure," a duet by Freddie Mercury and David Bowie. I always sang the David Bowie part. Therefore, I thought it might be therapeutic to sing a Bowie solo song. After all, Bowie doesn't need Mercury to be awesome. However, it being in front of a live band and all, I just didn't feel like I knew the Bowie song well enough to attempt it. Instead, I chose to sing "Hey Jealousy" by the Gin Blossoms. That song always brings me back to the 90s, and I figured the range would be doable even in my slightly congested state. My performance went well! I think I jumped the gun a few times while singing, skipping parts and what not, but the band was great at compensating. Afterward I walked across the bar back to my seat, noticing that no one complimented me. I thought that was odd. I had been making it a habit of complimenting guys whose performance I liked as they walked by me. It gave me the impression that the bar was a bit cliquish. My friend complimented me though. He said I sounded just like the singer of the Gin Blossoms. I appreciated that.

Once intermission hit we decided to check out another bar, Sidetrack. They were having a showtune night. It seemed like a pretty neat bar. Very large and very crowded. Showtunes were playing on big screens and so many guys were really getting into them! The only one that I got excited about was "Circle of Life," haha. After that we called it a night. My friend had driven, so he was kind enough to drive me back to my hotel so I didn't have to do the metro/walk combo so late at night.

Day 5: Another meeting, which got out mid-afternoon. I decided to repeat one of my favorite parts of my previous trip to Chicago: renting a bike and riding up the bike path along Lake Michigan. By this day I was feeling almost back to normal. The weather had been great up to this point, but by now the humidity I had been expecting was finally starting to show its face. I biked all the way up to the gay beach, then cut west into Andersonville. I had lunch at a Mediterranean restaurant, then rode through town a ways. I managed to locate Boystown (I swear, that's the part of Chicago I'm most familiar with now, haha), then went east to return to the bike path. I had texted my first friend from the dating site (the one who had pulled the Houdini act at the club) to see if he and the Southern guy might want to join me for a show at the IO improv theater, since they had expressed interest before. Plus, I wanted to see the Southern guy again. By the time I returned the bike to Navy Pier I was running short on time. I had to skip a shower and ended up taking a cab up to Wrigleyville, where the IO theater is located. My dating site friend joined me, but unfortunately the Southern guy did not. The show was good, very funny. Afterward we walked over to Boystown, which is very close by, so that I could grab some food. While I ate we chatted a bit. The guy wants to move to So Cal at some point in the near future to pursue his career. Once I was done we parted ways and I made my way back to the hotel.

Day 6: Departure. No trip to O'Hare Airport is complete without a flight delay. I ended up arriving at my layover location, Houston, right when my connecting flight was leaving. The airline compensated me with a $10 food coupon for the food court (hey big spender!) and put me on the next available flight, which was several hours later. I made a new friend, a long haired guy who was also on the same connecting flight. We stuck together to figure out where we needed to go, then went our separate ways until departure time. I really enjoy meeting new people!

Throughout all the day to day events of Chicago, I was a bit varied in my emotional state. At times I felt very lonely. After all, the last time I had gone on a work trip to a big city I had a significant other to accompany me. My loneliness even led me to do the unthinkable (for me): download Grindr. I think part of it was also because once again the sexuality doubts were creeping into my mind. I wanted to take a look at guys in the area to see if any were particularly attractive to me. And perhaps . . . make use of my big, lonely hotel room for some further experimentation. Well, that didn't end up happening, but I did chat with some guys and even got a boner picture sent to me, haha.

One unexpected occurrence during my trip: I got a text from a guy that I had chatted with over several months on OkCupid and email. Several months before he had gotten into a relationship, but was still interested in meeting up to be friends. Well, he texted me with a simple, "Cal, I need advice." "Uh oh," I thought. "What could this be about?" Turns out he had just been dumped from his first relationship. He remembered that I had gone through something similar and wanted any advice I had on how to get through the misery. My heart went out to him. I remembered vividly how it was the first couple of days, and weeks. Heck, it was six months ago and I still have much healing to do. I texted him some advice and suggested we could meet up upon my trip to LA the following weekend.

Alright, that is more than enough for one entry. Still lots to discuss, including my recent bouts with some fairly bad depression (for me), a fun birthday weekend in LA which included a visit with an old friend, and the date that I just came back from a little while ago tonight. Suffice it say for now that it went VERY well! :-)

Until next time!

Attachment

It's been a while since I wrote an entry. Quite a lot has happened.

First of all, I had my first sexual experience with someone other than Ben. Josh came to my neck of the woods and we ended up having quite the time in the bedroom. I'd say I actually enjoyed myself more than I ever did with Ben. I tried bottoming, which wasn't anywhere near as unpleasant as I feared it would be. I was surprisingly relaxed during the whole experience. Josh really is a very considerate guy, which made it so much easier. He is clearly confused about his sexuality though. Even though he did enjoy himself, he expressed doubt afterward about being able to have a relationship with a guy. I'm glad I had the experience though. I feel like we both gained from it.

Ben's birthday was a couple days ago. After much back and forth about it, I decided to send him an email to wish him happy birthday. This was the first contact I have had with him since March. I also thanked him for meeting up with Roger to give him career advice. Ben responded later that night to thank me for the birthday wishes. He also asked me about work and my current career plans. I haven't responded yet. I'm not sure I really want to start a dialogue at this point. I had a rather vivid dream about Ben last night, and I woke up missing him again.

I am reading a book that has been helping me immensely. It's called "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find and Keep Love." It is about attachment theory, which holds that people fall into three different attachment styles when it comes to relationships: secure, anxious, and avoidant.  Secure people are comfortable with intimacy, are good communicators, and do not overly obsess about relationships. Anxious people constantly fear that their relationships are on shaky ground, they crave closeness, and they are often preoccupied with their relationships. Avoidant people tend to keep their partners at arm's length and are uncomfortable with too much intimacy. The book holds that relationships between anxious and avoidant people are often troubled. The avoidant person reacts to increased intimacy by pulling back, which causes the anxious person to seek more closeness. Thus a vicious cycle is created.

As I mentioned in a previous entry, Ben definitely shows signs of having an avoidant attachment style. He was uncomfortable with too much affection, gave mixed signals from very early on, and subscribes to the idea of "the one," which the book claims is a common distancing strategy for avoidant types. As for myself, at least in the context of that relationship, I exhibited an anxious attachment style. Reading this book is definitely helping me move away from blaming myself for the dissolution of the relationship. It could very well be that our attachment styles were simply incompatible.

I took a bit of a hiatus from dating after the three promising guys all failed to go anywhere. Nick disappeared off the face of the Earth, Josh isn't relationship material, and Kyle is still traveling for work. Yesterday I finally reached out to some people on OkCupid, so we'll see if any of those go anywhere.

Phew! Okay, until next time!

  

The One

Hey guys. TwoLives, fan of casey, and Aek, thanks as always for the thoughtful comments. You guys have been following my blog for quite a while and I always appreciate your insights.

I'm not really dwelling too much on the whole "the one" thing that Roger told me about, despite the content of my last post. Yeah, it popped into my mind a few times today. I just rolled my eyes, laughed it off and moved on. You guys are right. There's no way to know about the situation, and in no way does it say anything about me. I was a character in that crazy story, but now I've been given my own spin-off and the plot of the Ben Show no longer concerns me.

 I'm in a generally pretty good mood today. I had a good amount of social interaction, which is what it takes to lift me up. My friend at work who works part-time was in and we talked and joked a lot while she was helping me with a project. Then after work I went to a dinner gathering with the LGBT social group. It was fun. I caught up with a couple of friends and made some new ones. One guy I talked extensively with. He was really interesting and easy to talk to, and I ended up telling him a lot about my recent career explorations, my sexuality discovery process, and my forays into improv. He was very complimentary and supportive about it all, verbalizing his admiration of my level-headedness.

In talking to him I realized that, even though my demisexuality/asexuality/bisexuality/homosexuality or whatever it is confuses the hell out of me, it's not the end of the world. I made it work in my past relationship, at least for a time. I found someone I really liked and I was happy with. That's all that matters. I get so obsessed about doing "what's right" that I lose track of the fact that I need to look for what feels right. So the gay label doesn't seem to fit all the time? Fine. Don't use it. Not sure you're bi? Okay, don't go around saying you are. Just like who you like. Date who you want to date. Kiss who you want to kiss. If you enjoy it, then it's right at that moment. And that's all you can do. Put yourself out there and have faith that if you're true to yourself, the pieces will fall into place. When I first started dating I didn't expect to wind up in a relationship and fall in love with the second guy I ever went out with. But I did. You can't predict these things.

I get way too cerebral about it. Constantly testing myself. Okay, do I think that guy's hot? No? What about that guy? Not him either? What does that mean? Uh oh, that girl's actually kind of attractive. More attractive than those guys! But wait, this new guy actually is hot!

None of that matters. In the end I only have to be attracted to one person at a time . . . the one I am with. And if I'm happy, then it's right. I wish it were easier . . . but I have to make due with the way things are.

I don't believe in the concept of "The One." I think for anyone there is any number of potential "Ones." Having had a brief relationship with a near-One, I need to remember that my Ones are out there. It's only a matter of time.

Zero

I was so proud of myself for having a social activity planned for every night this week. Well, here I am on Wednesday night, and it's the third solitary night in a row. WTF?

Monday: my friend from OkCupid cancelled on me. He had spent the day before getting his car fixed after it broke down, and he was too "exhausted" to keep our scheduled hangout. This is a guy that I've hung out with twice so far, though I've been FB friends with him for more than a year. Really cool guy who always puts a smile on my face. Not this time though.

Tuesday: Alex cancelled on me. He said he never gets sick, but he wasn't feeling good so he had to leave work early. He said he'd have to reschedule.

Wednesday: Nick didn't cancel on me . . . he completely disappeared. When we talked on Sunday he mentioned he should be available Wednesday to meet up. I texted him Monday after the first cancellation to let him know Monday night was now available, or Wednesday. No response. Last night I texted him to see if we were still on for tonight. No response. Today I left him a voicemail, saying I needed to know so I could make other plans if he was unavailable. No response. I've been texting our mutual friend, who says that it's very unusual for Nick to flake like that. Something's going on with that guy, that's for sure. I can't say I really have the patience to deal with it right now. If he wants to hang out after returning from out of town (he leaves tomorrow), he knows where to find me.

Tomorrow is the Social Group get together. I think I'm safe . . . that would have to be a whole lot of no-shows to not happen, haha.

The guy I really hope doesn't cancel is Josh on Friday. He's planning to visit me in my neck of the woods, and I am excited. I don't know what the future has in store for us since he's just experimenting right now, but I'm willing to go with the flow. Things are looking good for Friday so far. He texted me tonight to say he is looking forward to it.

It was a tough few days. I had a couple nights dreaming of being back with Ben (ugh, come on brain, give me a break!!) and a lot of loneliness. Today there was an unexpected turn of events. I'm still not sure how I feel about it. At times it makes me feel better, at other times, the opposite.

It all started with the flurry of Facebook posts about the Prop 8 and DOMA decision (yay!!!!! A good time to be a Californian!!!) Most of the posts were supportive of the decision. But then I came upon a post by my cousin's former roommate (What does that make us? Absolutely nothing!) It mocked comparisons of LGBT rights to civil rights based on race, and claimed that the "reality" was that being gay is a choice and is a product of issues with one's father (uhh . . . so which one is it, oh intellectual one?)

I didn't wait for the inevitable flurry of enraged comments to ensue before I unfriended him. This guy no longer lives with my cousin and has already proven to be a bit of an ass (I won't get into that . . . suffice it to say that he and his friends have caused my cousin some headaches), so I don't need him and his ignorance polluting my newsfeed. 

Anyways, I texted my cousin Roger about it. We texted back and forth a bit, and then he dropped a (minor) bomb: he saw Ben yesterday. He got together with him for a bit of career advice (I'd known he had been thinking about doing it and had given him my blessing . . . Ben is in a career that he is also interested in). Soon all the texting got to be a bit much so I called him to finish the conversation. He gave me some details that I didn't necessarily need to know . . . mainly that Ben is apparently quite serious with Daniel Newguy, and apparently Ben even said he might be "the one." This kind of surprised me, and obviously saddened me. Yes, I naturally was hoping Ben would come to his senses and realize what he had given up with me. I was hoping he'd have a hard time finding someone better. Who wouldn't? But apparently he did . . . and just a month or so after his brief foray into straight dating. Roger also said that Ben had asked about me and mentioned he might give me a call sometime. 

The combination of these revelations seem to have had a net positive effect on me, strangely enough. Knowing that Ben might actually break our No Contact streak after all makes me realize he does still care about me and does want to be friends. Knowing about "The One" thing . . . well that could mean one of two things. Possibility One: Ben really has found someone better for him right after leaving me, making me a bit like the main character from Good Luck Chuck (any girl that sleeps with him breaks up with him and immediately winds up with Mr. Right). Possibility Two: Ben is riding high on another Honeymoon Phase and letting his emotions cloud his perception. That actually sounds like something he would do. About this time last year was when he was raving to his family about me and making me feel a little intimidated and self-conscious that I wasn't equally enthusiastic. Maybe he falls in love hard and falls out of love just as suddenly. It is a bit strange to be going around telling people the new guy might be "The One" after only dating him for two months or so. Especially Roger. Of course it's going to get back to me. Who knows, maybe it was on purpose. To kill any remaining hope I might have left.

Whichever is the real scenario, it means there's no point in waiting for him to recognize the awesomeness that is me, haha (not that I was planning to do that . . . it's just hard to give up hope). Either he absolutely did the right thing and has been rewarded for it, or he still hasn't learned his lesson and has started the cycle all over again. Either way he is a lost cause.

Which leaves me with . . . what to say if he does in fact call me? I was just planning to (maybe) send him a brief happy birthday email when the time came then resume no contact. I wasn't expecting to have an actual conversation with him anytime soon. I suppose I'll just be pleasant and follow his lead. Probably keep it fairly brief. No need to let him know anything about how I'm still hurting, and missing him. And wishing I could just go back in time and relive the last year once more (minus the last five months, of course) He'd better not read this blog, though. Argh, if you're reading this go mind your own business! Keep your word!!!

So right now I'm experiencing a mix of emotions. On the one hand I feel better because Ben hasn't completely written me off as a friend. On the other hand I'm not sure I really want his friendship at this time. If Daniel Newguy is "The One," then I'm the one before The One. And if you look at any number line, the one before one is . . . zero. I can't be his friend as long as I feel that way. 

Oh well. Glad I could be the opening act for the main event. Now when do I get to be someone's main event?