Last Thursday I went to see a performance of Spring Awakening with Janice. It's a rock musical based on a German play from the late 1800s. Music by Duncan Sheik of "Barely Breathing" fame. I really enjoyed it. I've been singing the songs ever since. Especially "The Bitch of Living." Except sometimes I change it to "The Bitch of Dating," haha. There's a small gay subplot in the play which is pretty cool, even though the audience treated it like comic relief (well, it kinda was played that way).
Last Friday I hung out with Tom. We went to get dinner and then played video games. I told him about Josh, and about how enjoyable the first date with him was. Tom is really cool about me talking about my dating exploits.
Saturday I went to my former roommate's daughter's 1st birthday party (well, barely made it before it ended, they ended early on account of the weather). It happened to be held near Howie and Adam's place, so I met up with them for dinner. This was the first time I'd seen them since the Queen Mary party. I asked them what they had thought of Brody (still haven't talked to him since that week). They said they didn't like him much. Talked about himself too much, and even interrupted other people to do so. I felt a little vindicated hearing that. Funny how surprised Brody was when I told him he tended to dominate conversations. Maybe I'm the only one who has had the balls to tell him. I'm going to an event put on by that LGBT group tomorrow. Hoping he won't be there so things don't get awkward.
Sunday I went out on a date with the guy I had previously referred to as the Japanese guy. Turns out he's Filipino, he just speaks Japanese and studied in Japan. Really nice guy and pretty cute. We ate at a Japanese place and he was impressed with how adventurous I was trying new things. He asked me to go kayaking with him tomorrow, so that's the plan.
I corresponded a bit with another blogger. He said something in an email which made me feel very good. He said that in the entries before Ben came into the picture, there was some kind of emptiness detectable. During my relationship with Ben that emptiness went away and I seemed to really start living my life. But here's the kicker . . . he said that Ben didn't take it with him when he left. After chatting with Janice I came up with a word for it . . . vitality. Ben brought a vitality to my life which wasn't there before, but it remains now that he's gone. So thanks fellow blogger Kevin for giving me that perspective!
Early part of the week was uneventful. I began to have a heartache relapse (yes, I would say my heartbreak can safely be downgraded to heartache now). Taking a walk helped calm my nerves, and I bought some novels for the first time in a long time to give me something to do when such a mood hits. I did some reading on attachment styles in relationships, which helped shed some light on my breakup for me. I think I may have exhibited a bit of an anxious attachment style in the relationship, with my tendency to give a lot of affection and craving for having it returned, as well as my tendency to worry about Ben's feelings for me (which he was able to calm most of the time, probably with lies in the latter months of our relationship). Ben, however, I think has a major case of an avoidant attachment style. He exhibits a lot of the signs: discomfort with showing affection, tendency to keep his feelings to himself, keeping his partner at arms length and having trouble opening up. Turns out those with anxious attachment styles are often attracted to those with avoidant attachment styles, but they can bring out the worst in each other. His avoidance just made me more anxious and possibly even made me come across as needy. The third attachment style is secure. I don't think my style is inherently anxious. I think if I was with a securely attached person I would be as well. Anyways, I think reading about this has helped me a bit since attachment style is pretty strongly rooted in one's personality, so there's not much I could have done. Ben's feelings would have run themselves into the ground regardless, and will likely continue to do so until he develops a more secure attachment style.
Alright, on to the good stuff.
Arranging a second date with Josh wasn't the easiest thing. His work schedule is crazy, and he often doesn't know whether he'll have the night off until the night before or even the day of. Tuesday was a possibility, but it didn't work out. Finally on Thursday he texted me while I was at work to see if I could meet up. He wanted to meet at a mall that was a tad far from me, but I'd never been there before so I agreed. The date pretty much followed the same format of our first. We met in the mall, ate dinner, talked a while, and then went to the car (his this time) to chat until I had to head home. Only this time . . .
We talked about all sorts of things during our conversation. Our types of guys, coming out experiences (he's not out to many, but his sister pretty much knows), working out (the guy is a health nut, and it shows), friendships, etc. He definitely started to test the walls of what I call the intimacy barrier. It started at dinner when he wanted to compare my hands to his. He tried to find a word to describe my hands besides "dainty." Didn't quite happen, haha. But he said I had artist's hands. "Guitarist's hands?" I asked. "No," he said. Ha ha.
Then in the car he was talking about how his ears were really sensitive. Pretty obvious invitation for me to test that, haha. He started kind of feeling my ear too, then massaging my scalp (I liked that), then putting his arm across my shoulders. Meanwhile I was extremely comfortable in his padded passenger seat. I oriented myself toward him and kind of rested my head on his arm. Before I knew it he was going for it. He made the first move and we were making out. This being only the second guy I have ever kissed, I was a bit cerebral about it, making sure to vary the tongue motions and direction of my head and all that. Just kind of following his lead. With my hands I massaged the back of his head and also took the opportunity to do a little feeling of the muscles in his arm and chest. We did that for a while, several times. Self-conscious as I am, I asked him with a smile how I am at kissing. He said I was good!
He told me he really enjoys talking to me, and also really enjoyed making out. He would definitely like to do that again (as would I). However, as he drove me back to my car he made it clear that he is not quite ready for a relationship. Even though he has experimented with guys before, he is only now seriously looking into gay dating and is still a bit on the fence. I told him I understood. Funny how I've opened up about that. Frankly, I'm not ready for a serious relationship either, and with the distance and hectic work schedule he has it wouldn't be very easy to do. A friend to try stuff with (especially one who's so hot!) could be just what I need right now. He's very sensitive about the possibility of leading me on. I told him that's why communication is very important. I told him that the reason I've been hurt in the past is because the other guy didn't do his job and communicate properly. I told him I'm cool with keeping things casual. I can tell this is a guy with good values, so I'm not too worried. I just really hope this doesn't end badly like it did with Ben. And Brody for that matter, even though that was just a friendship and never crossed the intimacy barrier.
So, I was pretty much on Cloud Nine driving back from that date. Now I can finally say that I've done something with someone other than Ben. I know I have to be careful not to get emotionally entangled, of course. I don't think I have to worry about that too much for the time being. I almost feel like I've caught a bit of the avoidant attachment. I really don't feel too much investment with Josh. I like him a lot, but I'm in no real hurry to see him again (though I'd certainly like to!) Guess I'm just keeping my expectations low. I just want to have some fun, get some experience, and get to know this guy.
Meanwhile I'll continue to date. I've temporarily suspended my OkCupid account. I'd like to say it's because I'm taking a break (and now that I have I am), but unfortunately the reason is less . . . deliberate.
I admit, in the last week I looked up Ben's profile. Since I've made his FB page off limits I think I wanted to use a different method to see if his rebound relationship has met its end yet (I think I wanted confirmation for my attachment theory). Then when it came up . . . I accidentally clicked where I shouldn't have and inadvertently opened the profile (I just wanted to see it in the search results). With horror I realized I was logged in, which meant he could see that I visited! So much for no contact since March! I immediately suspended my account, hoping it would nullify my appearance in his visitors list. Of course even if it did he probably got a notification email since we have such a high match percentage. Oh well. Punishment for my moment of weakness. So as penance I'm staying off OkCupid for the rest of the week. I have two dates lined up for the weekend anyway (kayaking with the Filipino guy from last weekend, and meeting up with the other Filipino guy, haha).
Phew! So the up and down continues. The healing continues. Despite my one little lapse I feel like I made several breakthroughs this week. I came up with a new way of thinking about the break up which further removes the blame from my shoulders (i.e., there's nothing I could have done, he's emotionally hardwired to have trouble with relationships) and had an intimate experience with a new sexy guy. Yay!
3 comments:
It's understandable to be cautious and not get so "emotionally tangled" but if this new guy is willing, and you like him, and he's got compatible qualities with you, don't allow your fears to keep him at a distance.
As you say, just go with the flow, let it develop naturally, don't push to go faster if he's not willing but also don't hold things back if he wants to move quicker than you. Obviously this advice has limits -- if he told you he wants to marry you tomorrow (I use an extreme situation as a example), then anyone would wonder why.
A don't let the fact that both of you are relatively inexperienced hold you back. It could be an opportunity to learn and explore from each other.
It makes a lot of sense that you would want to take things slow with the next guy you meet. After all, if things are meant to be, then even if you go slow, you'll get there eventually (wherever "there" is!)
I'm not 100% certain, but I'm pretty sure that suspending your OKCupid profile will not remove your visit records.
Two related things I do know: if you "hide" someone, he'll immediately be removed from your visitor record, and, the "high match, visited your profile" email is only sent once per person. If you ever previously visited Ben's profile, he won't be sent that email ever again.
Because hiding someone immediately removes their visit record from your profile, I think it's very likely you would be removed from his visit record if you hid him.
Once someone is hidden, the only way they can find you is if they click to your profile because you previously sent them a message (message blocking and hiding seem to be entirely separate functions) or directly type in your user name on the webpage address.
My pleasure :-)
Have fun experimenting with the 'hot nerd', he seems to be the right guy to do that ;-)
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