Monday: my friend from OkCupid cancelled on me. He had spent the day before getting his car fixed after it broke down, and he was too "exhausted" to keep our scheduled hangout. This is a guy that I've hung out with twice so far, though I've been FB friends with him for more than a year. Really cool guy who always puts a smile on my face. Not this time though.
Tuesday: Alex cancelled on me. He said he never gets sick, but he wasn't feeling good so he had to leave work early. He said he'd have to reschedule.
Wednesday: Nick didn't cancel on me . . . he completely disappeared. When we talked on Sunday he mentioned he should be available Wednesday to meet up. I texted him Monday after the first cancellation to let him know Monday night was now available, or Wednesday. No response. Last night I texted him to see if we were still on for tonight. No response. Today I left him a voicemail, saying I needed to know so I could make other plans if he was unavailable. No response. I've been texting our mutual friend, who says that it's very unusual for Nick to flake like that. Something's going on with that guy, that's for sure. I can't say I really have the patience to deal with it right now. If he wants to hang out after returning from out of town (he leaves tomorrow), he knows where to find me.
Tomorrow is the Social Group get together. I think I'm safe . . . that would have to be a whole lot of no-shows to not happen, haha.
The guy I really hope doesn't cancel is Josh on Friday. He's planning to visit me in my neck of the woods, and I am excited. I don't know what the future has in store for us since he's just experimenting right now, but I'm willing to go with the flow. Things are looking good for Friday so far. He texted me tonight to say he is looking forward to it.
It was a tough few days. I had a couple nights dreaming of being back with Ben (ugh, come on brain, give me a break!!) and a lot of loneliness. Today there was an unexpected turn of events. I'm still not sure how I feel about it. At times it makes me feel better, at other times, the opposite.
It all started with the flurry of Facebook posts about the Prop 8 and DOMA decision (yay!!!!! A good time to be a Californian!!!) Most of the posts were supportive of the decision. But then I came upon a post by my cousin's former roommate (What does that make us? Absolutely nothing!) It mocked comparisons of LGBT rights to civil rights based on race, and claimed that the "reality" was that being gay is a choice and is a product of issues with one's father (uhh . . . so which one is it, oh intellectual one?)
I didn't wait for the inevitable flurry of enraged comments to ensue before I unfriended him. This guy no longer lives with my cousin and has already proven to be a bit of an ass (I won't get into that . . . suffice it to say that he and his friends have caused my cousin some headaches), so I don't need him and his ignorance polluting my newsfeed.
Anyways, I texted my cousin Roger about it. We texted back and forth a bit, and then he dropped a (minor) bomb: he saw Ben yesterday. He got together with him for a bit of career advice (I'd known he had been thinking about doing it and had given him my blessing . . . Ben is in a career that he is also interested in). Soon all the texting got to be a bit much so I called him to finish the conversation. He gave me some details that I didn't necessarily need to know . . . mainly that Ben is apparently quite serious with Daniel Newguy, and apparently Ben even said he might be "the one." This kind of surprised me, and obviously saddened me. Yes, I naturally was hoping Ben would come to his senses and realize what he had given up with me. I was hoping he'd have a hard time finding someone better. Who wouldn't? But apparently he did . . . and just a month or so after his brief foray into straight dating. Roger also said that Ben had asked about me and mentioned he might give me a call sometime.
The combination of these revelations seem to have had a net positive effect on me, strangely enough. Knowing that Ben might actually break our No Contact streak after all makes me realize he does still care about me and does want to be friends. Knowing about "The One" thing . . . well that could mean one of two things. Possibility One: Ben really has found someone better for him right after leaving me, making me a bit like the main character from Good Luck Chuck (any girl that sleeps with him breaks up with him and immediately winds up with Mr. Right). Possibility Two: Ben is riding high on another Honeymoon Phase and letting his emotions cloud his perception. That actually sounds like something he would do. About this time last year was when he was raving to his family about me and making me feel a little intimidated and self-conscious that I wasn't equally enthusiastic. Maybe he falls in love hard and falls out of love just as suddenly. It is a bit strange to be going around telling people the new guy might be "The One" after only dating him for two months or so. Especially Roger. Of course it's going to get back to me. Who knows, maybe it was on purpose. To kill any remaining hope I might have left.
Whichever is the real scenario, it means there's no point in waiting for him to recognize the awesomeness that is me, haha (not that I was planning to do that . . . it's just hard to give up hope). Either he absolutely did the right thing and has been rewarded for it, or he still hasn't learned his lesson and has started the cycle all over again. Either way he is a lost cause.
Which leaves me with . . . what to say if he does in fact call me? I was just planning to (maybe) send him a brief happy birthday email when the time came then resume no contact. I wasn't expecting to have an actual conversation with him anytime soon. I suppose I'll just be pleasant and follow his lead. Probably keep it fairly brief. No need to let him know anything about how I'm still hurting, and missing him. And wishing I could just go back in time and relive the last year once more (minus the last five months, of course) He'd better not read this blog, though. Argh, if you're reading this go mind your own business! Keep your word!!!
So right now I'm experiencing a mix of emotions. On the one hand I feel better because Ben hasn't completely written me off as a friend. On the other hand I'm not sure I really want his friendship at this time. If Daniel Newguy is "The One," then I'm the one before The One. And if you look at any number line, the one before one is . . . zero. I can't be his friend as long as I feel that way.
Oh well. Glad I could be the opening act for the main event. Now when do I get to be someone's main event?
3 comments:
Ben provides a never-ending stream of surprises.
Actually, surprises have become his MO, which I wouldn't regard as a good thing.
I agree with your analysis: "Either way he's a lost cause."
Recognizing that fact makes me feel sorry for him. It's hard to imagine how being so manic about relationships could lead to a positive long-term outcome for him.
Enjoy your date with Josh on Friday!
Don't do this to yourself with all this second-guessing and speculation.
It won't answer any of your lingering questions and if you do get info, it doesn't affect you -- it's his life. His success or failure is not commentary on you. Don't give him control over your mood or emotions -- live your own life.
Don't dwell on Ben. If he calls, he calls, and then you guys chat. If he doesn't, so what? If this guy is "the one" then good for him and let it be. If he's only "the one" for now, then see how it plays out.
A friend of mine, after dating several girls for years, met "the one" after 1-2 dates and after 6 weeks or so proposed. So it does happen (not sure how, but it does).
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