5 months later

Note: Apologies in advance for this entry . . . the first half is Ben-centric. I'm working through it!!

I realized not long ago that it's been exactly 5 months since the break up heard 'round . . . this blog. Ha ha. I guess that's a good sign that I didn't realize until late in the day! I've generally been feeling pretty good. But, there are still signs that I'm not totally over it.

My mom told me I really need to stop talking about it. Not that I talk to her often about it, but just because she knows about the fallout with Brody. I agree, it's probably past the point of helpfulness to retell my story over and over. A case of diminishing returns. And yet I found myself talking about it again Sunday night with my friend and his girlfriend. They had great advice, but afterward I felt guilty about bringing it up. Not to mention I also told them the Brody story. I texted my friend the next day to say how much I enjoyed spending time with them, but also apologized in case I got carried away with sharing my dating drama. He texted back and said not to worry about it.

On a more satisfying note, there is one friend whom I'm glad I told. He reacted to the wording of the "distance" email with the same kind of anger I did.

Me: "So first he says, 'Maybe it's alright to check in once every month or two . . .'"
Him: "What?? How controlling is that??"
Me: "Wait, it gets better: 'Any more than that I feel will stunt your healing process.'
Him: "YOUR healing process? Who does he think he is?? Man, I'm glad you're not dating that guy anymore!"

That made me crack up, and helped validate my feelings about the offensiveness of the email's tone.

 Moving forward, I am going to make an effort to stop retelling the story. Because that will just keep me dwelling on it. I realized today part of the attraction of it though. There is definitely a mysterious quality to it all. The out-of-the-blue decision, the fluctuating orientation, the rebound boyfriend, the insulting email . . . all of this odd behavior intrigues the curious scientist part of me, haha. "What was he thinking??" But this mystery is not going to get solved, so I need to stop trying. Bottom line, I was ready for a serious relationship with someone. He was not. He still has maturing and exploring to do and until then is stuck in "grass is greener" mode. Not many more revelations to squeeze out of that one. Time to find new goals and distractions.

Hence why the local improv troupe is an important endeavor for me to undertake. I was unable to audition back in the fall because my weekends were devoted to you-know-who. Now that I'm unattached I was able to audition, and guess what? I got a call back for the second round!!! They liked me! They really liked me! And this wouldn't have happened if I didn't have my weekends free.

Practices start in two weeks. That will continue for a few months and then they'll determine if I'm a good fit for the troupe. So, we'll see what happens. I am looking forward to it. My life needs a little injection of purpose of the non-dating and non-career-related variety, as well as a new outlet to make new friends.

I'm still trying to keep myself busy. I was happy to have something planned for every day this week. Unfortunately tonight's scheduled friend cancelled on me last minute, which brought about the aforementioned lonely night. Gotta avoid those!

Tomorrow I'll meet up with Alex for the first time in a while. I have no idea what he thinks of me. I think pretty much the same I think of him. Just friends. Although I do like him and find him fairly cute. If there was interest on his part I might consider more at some point. Not enough to make the first move myself, though.

Wednesday I might meet up with Nick. Yeah, he finally got back to me and we talked a bit on the phone the other night. Unfortunately my interest in him is waning. It's been a month since I saw him last and his unresponsiveness and passivity since then has kind of killed the momentum. We'll see if seeing him again (if it happens, he still hasn't confirmed) changes that at all.

Thursday is the next social group event, so that should be fun. I've made a couple friends through it.

Friday I'm planning to meet up with Josh. That one I'm excited about. As you may recall we made out a bit last time, which was a huge step for me. I would love to have an encore. And the fact that I can even say that should do something to silence these incessant sexuality doubts!! Argh! Frickin' obsessing about whether or not I should be dating guys has returned with a vengeance during these last months of singledom. A product of my demisexual tendencies. Not being in a relationship, it's easy to forget how comfortable I was becoming with a gay identify before.