How's it going, all? I'm alright. My cousin Brad and his girlfriend came down this weekend. They were staying an hour and a half away with friends, so I only got to see them briefly for dinner last night when they were in the area, but it was very nice. We chatted about a lot. His girlfriend's recent graduation and first job, his job and future plans, my ever-shifting career plans, my ongoing healing process, my dating, politics, family, etc. It was a nice time. Brad is the cousin that I'm arguably closest with even though the age difference is greatest between us. We are the most similar intellectually, and to some extent emotionally (well, he's nowhere near as anxiety-prone or obsessive as I am, haha).
Today I just kind of relaxed and gave myself some me-time. No new dates since last weekend, but I am in communication with a couple of guys that I hope to meet up with over the next week or so. I still have an interest in Nick, but I haven't met up with him for the third time yet. He's pretty busy right now, as he is approaching his first finals week as a graduate student. I did call him up on Thursday night and talked to him for a half an hour, so that was nice. I'm waiting for him to contact me next, I do not want to scare him away by being too forward.
Today I went to a local discount theater for the first time and watched Oz the Great and Powerful, since I've been wanting to see it. I'm glad I did. I enjoyed it, and it had some themes that resonated. (SPOILER ALERT if you care)
The relationship between Oz and Theodora had some personal relevance. Theodora is heartbroken when her affections for Oz are not returned and she is led to believe that he is pursuing Glinda. Rather than face her pain and work through it, she opts for the easy way out and accepts a magical apple from the evil Evanora that removes the goodness in her heart. The moral: having emotions is a double edged sword. The same emotions that give us such joy when we experience a loving relationship with someone can be turned against us when that someone rejects us. However, that's the price we pay, and the alternative would be to give up our humanity.
I admit, I am still pretty torn up about Daniel Newguy being in the picture with Ben, though it's been a month since I found out (I added Ben to my restricted friends list on FB by the way, so I don't have to worry about him "liking" any more of my posts, or even being able to see them). I think part of what I was using to make myself feel better after the breakup was the idea that Ben really did need to be with a woman to feel fulfilled in a romantic relationship. Then he ended up with another guy within 2-3 months. It doesn't feel so hot to be so easily replaceable, let me tell you. So the only consolation I have to hold onto is the assumption that it's a rebound, plain and simple, and that Ben is a major commitmentphobe. I'm still working on forgiveness. Still trying to be more like Glinda the Good Witch and not the vindictive Wicked Witch, haha.
As for Brody, I haven't heard anything from him since he texted me a week ago last Friday. I think he's gotten the message. I do feel bad that the friendship has gone south, but that really was his doing. He crossed a major line by speaking to me so harshly and insulting me, by attacking me for opening up to him. I did apologize for inadvertently hurting him, but he hasn't come forward and apologized for directing the words "appalling" and "abnormal" at me and my behavior. And friendship is not going to happen until he does. If he contacts me again I will tell him this.
In a nutshell here's the update on the guys of my life, past and present.
Ben: Still on the rebound as far as I know, still occupying way more mental space than I would like (including a dream last night where I spoke to his roommate about him, weird, haha). Still haven't spoken to him since February, haven't emailed since March. What would be the point. Nothing emerges from opening that door except sharp objects. And my heart is a magnet.
Brody: Uncharacteristically distant, probably pissed at me.
Nick: Tangled up in his studies, but still presumably interested in getting to know me.
In the works: a buff nerdy guy, a Filipino guy, and a Japanese guy.
Stay tuned.
1 comment:
While I understand it's easy to say rather than do, you have to let go and not let what Ben is doing pre-occupy how you feel about yourself. He's moved on, you need to do the same.
You can wish for a reconciliation, just don't expect it. If it happens, that's a nice surprise. If it doesn't, then you still continue your life, instead of clinging to the past. Give it enough time, even the wish will fade.
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