Better living through chemistry

Okay, get ready because this entry is a monster. I tried not to censor myself too much, so it gets a little depressing. I do try to end it on a more positive note, though.

Well, there's always that dark side to getting back into dating after a break-up. The risk of further rejection. I texted Kenny today about the prospect of going hiking on Sunday as we discussed. His response: "Hey man, you seem like a really nice and caring guy, but I've met someone else that I think I have better chemistry with, so I'm going to have to bail on Sunday."

Fucking chemistry!!! These people have no patience for relationship building, all they want is instant gratification! It's not my fault that it takes me a while to really open up and get comfortable with somebody! Well, even then I fail at chemistry. But let's not beat that dead horse.

Speaking of which, guess who I'm planning to get together with for dinner on Sunday? No, not him . . . None other than the infamous Jake the Australian. The poster child for the "no spark" text message rejection, haha. Not a date or anything. I emailed him since it had been a while and he suggested we meet up. Really nice guy, that Jake. I haven't seen him since we saw "Cabin in the Woods" together nearly a year ago. We've emailed back and forth a bit since then, and he had mentioned getting together so he could meet Ben, but that never materialized. It will be good to see him again. We've both had breakups since then, although his was after only 3 months (and was incidentally another guy I went out with from that dating website, small world).

Now that Kenny is out of the picture, I only have a couple of prospects. One is a really nice guy that I have been corresponding with for quite some time. I'll call him Jeff. He seems really cool, the only major downside is since he's not out at work (he's a teacher) he didn't have a face pic up. Hopefully I'll find him attractive when we meet. I guess this will be a test of how shallow I am, haha.

Another guy I've been corresponding with is Nathan. I'm a little wary about him though. Number one, he's 33, the other end of my acceptable age range. Number two, he texts me a lot. Which wouldn't be all that bad if he had something to say. Problem is it's a constant barrage of "good morning", "how are you", "how was your night", followed by fairly undescriptive answers when I ask him back That's been going on for a while, without him making an attempt to coordinate a meet up. Finally I texted back "So . . . we've been texting for quite a while. Did you want to meet up or something?" Ha ha, a little blunt of me, but it was getting a little irritating. I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, though. Someone's gotta be willing to do that sometimes.

One or two other people that I've conversed with a bit on the dating website, but the conversation is limited. And the one who seems the most interested also lives quite far away. Like, farther than Ben. Which I'd rather not do.

I'd love to report that my mind is in a better place. It's not. I'd love to say that the dating I've been doing has been helping me move on from Ben. It's not. In fact I'd say today I felt just about the worst I've felt. The last several guys that I've messaged, some of whom I really seemed to have a good amount in common with, never responded. After getting rejected by Kenny for the same old tired reason and browsing more profiles on the dating website, I was feeling really down on myself. My career is stalled while all of these other guys my age are either in or graduated from professional or grad school. I took so freaking long to decide what I want to do (and am still wavering a bit) that now I feel totally behind the pack. Now, I know a dating profile is obviously going to be painted with a very rosy brush (heck, I remember when I first read Ben's profile . . . a teacher who loves his job? not quite . . . not to mention the whole straight thing now). But still, everyone just seems so confident. I was well on my way to building such confidence with Ben, but now that's been shattered. I also am, for the first time since meeting Ben, resenting my sexuality. And I don't just mean the low sex drive part. I mean the affinity for guys. Ben had me not only accepting, but being proud to be in a gay relationship. Not just because I loved him so much, but because he was someone that I could talk to about hot guys I saw. Someone I could discuss gay rights with. Now a part of me wishes I could take all that coming out crap back. My happiness with him was the only reason I was able to do it in the first place. Not having the drive to have sex makes me feel like a pretender going out with guys, and I'm sure I would feel just as much of a pretender going out with girls. So if I have to fake it regardless, why not just fake it with girls? But if I tried to date girls now I would find myself with the same uphill battle that Ben is facing. What girl would date a guy who just got out of a gay relationship?

The other reason I'm down is I realize I'm still so hung up on Ben. I can't get it out of my head how happy I was, and how happy he was at the beginning. And this makes me question whether all of those people are right. I was so determined to prove the naysayers wrong, to show that you can have a friendship with an ex after being dumped . . . well I have hope it will happen eventually. I just fear it will be a lot longer than I wanted. Which sucks because I could really use all of the close friends I can get now. He arguably became my best friend over the course of the last year, but now I can't so much as text him without making him freak out. Plus, doing so would violate the sacred Rules of Getting Over a Break-Up. Though I do value what we had, and I am glad that I've actually had a relationship now, and I did learn a lot . . . part of me wishes that I hadn't gotten greedy. That I had just accepted it when he rejected me the first time. Because if I can only have one or the other I think I would rather have a lifelong friend than an eight month relationship.

Okay, two paragraphs of doom and gloom. I hate being that guy. No one will want to read this blog anymore if I'm too much of a Debbie Downer, haha. So . . . things to be thankful for!

I am thankful for my friendship with Tom. I had dinner with him earlier this evening. We talked about the way I'm feeling about the break up, and how I feel like it had more to do with Ben's psychological and emotional issues rather than any real incompatibility or lack of chemistry between us. I spoke about my jealousy of a couple of my gay friends, who have managed to find lasting relationships while mine fizzled. Tom was very understanding. He went through a very tough breakup back in 2009, and I was there to witness the aftermath. It wasn't pretty. He gave me very encouraging words and advice. He's definitely won me over lately. I used to be on the fence about him. Basically felt a major emotional asymmetry in our friendship that I long felt guilty for (Ben dared to throw this at me during our last conversation, cheap shot). Now I feel like I've connected with him in a way that I was never able to before. Maybe my heartbreak gives us that one more thing in common we needed, haha.

I am thankful for my friendship with Janice. I had dinner with her the other night. She also spoke about her previous break up, and how long it took her to get over (well, she's still not entirely over it). She also made me feel better about Ben's behavior. She acknowledged that his email was a bit rude, but she pointed out that he didn't know whether my limited attempts at contact were the start of a barrage. I told her he should know me better than that. Her response: "He doesn't know Break-Up Cal." Touche. So, my anger at the email has faded.

I am thankful for my relationships with all the other people that have helped me through this time. My mom, my cousins, my friends Rick, Philip, Lance and Nina, You-Tube Guy, El Genio and the other bloggers who read this and leave advice (especially fan of casey, your words of wisdom never fail to make me feel better and I thank you for that), penpal Mike . . . the list goes on. Even when worries surface that I will be alone, I can think of all of the love and support I have in my life and feel a little less lonely.

I will leave you with a Dr. Seuss quote that penpal Mike emailed me: "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." I will try.

Don't stand so close to me

First of all, before I get into this post I want to say how saddened I am by the tragedy that happened in Aurora, Colorado . . . such a horrible, senseless act, and in a place where people go to escape the worries and fears of the world for a while.

As for me, I'm doing well. I had a birthday this week. Another year older. Ben made me a BBQ chicken pizza and homemade hummus, both of which were great. He also gave me a framed picture of the two of us. He is seriously the sweetest, most thoughtful guy.

Now, for the reason behind the title of today's post. Today I spoke with my mom on the phone and she told me what my sister had said about meeting Ben last weekend. Apparently my sister was a bit "surprised" at how comfortable I was showing affection with Ben during this, her family's first meeting with him, and my brother-in-law was a bit bothered by how "touchy-feely" we were. My mom suggested that I should take other people's feelings into account more, and not jump into showing overt displays of affection before giving them a time to get used to seeing me with a guy.

While I understand the issue, I was a little upset by how my mom chose to word it. I try very hard to always take other peoples' feelings into account. My ability to do so is something I take pride in, and I was a little pissed that my mom suggested I was being at all insensitive. Ben and I definitely did tone it down when we were visiting my sister and her family. We were even sitting on separate couches for a while. I hardly even remember what we did do, but apparently I went over to his couch at one point and put my arm around him. Big deal, my brother-in-law has seen me do a heck of a lot more with my cousins, haha. Uhh . . . don't take that the wrong way.

I spoke to my sister later on to clarify the situation, but she pretty much said what my mom had said. She was "surprised" and her husband was slightly "overwhelmed." I explained to her that I'd been dealing with this for a long time, and had been so paranoid about what their reaction would be, that when I found out they were okay with it I guess I overcompensated a bit, especially when my other sister and her boyfriend (the ones we went biking and wine tasting with) were so cool and laid back about it. I guess "okay" is a continuum.

In any case, we cleared the air and from now on I guess I'll keep my hands to myself around them, at least for now. Not sure how to know when it's okay to show affection, though. When will they be "used to it"? And will they give me an announcement when that happens?  "Okay, we're used to it, go ahead and put your arm around him now." I guess I just have to give them more time to get to know Ben. Apparently my nephew and niece haven't actually been told the nature of my relationship with Ben, they just thought we were friends (though I'm sure my teenage nephew probably suspects the truth).

In the end they were still for the most part great about everything, I totally understand about cutting them some slack . . . I guess I was just a little disappointed (and frankly embarrassed) that I made them feel uncomfortable.

New skin

It's still a bit of a struggle to get comfortable in my skin with this whole gay thing. Over the last couple days I made a couple rather scary steps. First, I invited Ben to be my plus one at my 10-year high school reunion at the end of the month. I had been on the fence about whether I was ready to go with him. In the end I decided to take the plunge because a) I figured it would help with my comfort level, b) not many of the people who are going to be there are people I was that close to, so I think I'd have more fun if he's with me and c) it would be awkward to make him go do something else during that time, since he undoubtedly will be in town that weekend.

The second big step requires a bit of set-up.

I found out how I did on the MCAT yesterday. I got a 30, which is pretty much the minimum score that would be considered "competitive." Hopefully that, my high undergrad GPA, and my experiences in research since graduation will be a winning combo. Anyways, to reward myself I decided to sign up for another round of improv class. It's the same instructor as last time, and as before he is fond of going around the room and asking people about their lives, to get a sense of who they are. He often gets pretty personal, asking about dating and relationships. Last class I just kinda dodged my way through the questions, but I didn't want to be made to feel awkward this time around. Fortunately this time a guy who went before me was gay himself, and the instructor asked him a lot about his coming out process. That made me feel emboldened, since I wouldn't be the token gay guy in the class, so when it came to be my turn I spilled my guts. I talked about how taking the improv classes had improved my confidence and allowed me to start dating, and how the person I was dating was a guy. That led to a running joke where the next person was always asked "So, when did you come out?" It was cool, everyone was supportive. Only one person in the class was someone I already knew, and I think he was a bit surprised by the revelation. I also revealed to them that this was the very first time I had come out to a group . . . always before it had been in one-on-one settings.

I'm hoping that the more I come out the more I'll feel comfortable identifying as gay. Because I really don't know what other way this is going to go. I can't make myself feel any more gay, but I can't make myself be more attracted to girls either. I just wish sooo much that I had a stronger sex drive! Ben and I have done things a couple times, yes, and it was enjoyable, but I just don't experience the desire to have sex like other people do. It allows my ever-questioning mind to constantly cast doubt on my feelings, even when it seems the evidence is solid. Ben being out of town for so long doesn't help. I really want him to come back, because being with him is really the only thing that's going to make this feeling go away. Being with him takes me out of my head, out of my doubt, and allows me to enjoy the moment.

I spoke to YouTube guy a couple days ago. I feel like I can relate to him more than just about anyone, since he he's also an over-thinker and has experienced confusion about which way to go as well. However, he's currently in a pretty serious relationship with a guy he's been seeing for 3 months, and it sounds like he's pretty happy. He definitely sounds less conflicted than before. Maybe I'll try to follow his lead. He also mentioned the possibility of coming to CA with his BF at some point, which would be awesome. Double date anyone?

I just went and took down my Match.com profile (well, I made it invisible until the subscription runs out). I noticed that Ben still has his profile, with last activity two weeks ago. I hope he's not still looking! Haha, uh oh, careful there, can't become the jealous type.

The other side

Okay, this blog is supposed to tell the whole story and not just the happy parts. Now that I've found a great guy I find myself censoring myself again, just like before. I even thought about sharing the blog with him, but I think he would understand if I kept it to myself.

I sure have depicted things as unambiguously rosy thus far. It's true, I love spending time with Ben and I still can't believe I found such a great guy whom I have so much in common with. But lately I've been plagued with the ol' enemy: obsessive doubt. This is probably the most confident I've felt that I'm on the OCD spectrum.

It seems that my flavor of OCD is the "pure obsessional" variety, which does not included the usual "compulsions" that one usually thinks of (cleaning, straightening, checking, etc.) Instead, my compulsions are in my head and take the form of ruminating and mental checking. There seems to be two major themes, which I took here from http://www.ocdla.com/obsessionalOCD.html. However for the first one, replace "recurrent fears that one might be a homosexual" with "recurrent fears that one might be straight." Because apparently HOCD can affect gay people too.

• recurrent fears that one might be a homosexual, when in fact he or she is not (sometimes called "gay ocd" or "sexual orientation OCD" or "homosexual OCD" or "HOCD")
• repeatedly worrying that one does not actually love his/her partner, or is not with the "right" person (sometimes called "relationship OCD" or "ROCD")

 Basically, it seems that one of the hallmarks of someone with OCD is that they cannot stand uncertainty. It was the uncertainty of the future that caused my career crisis in 2010-2011, and it has been the uncertainty of my sexual orientation that led to this blog. Most people are able to shrug off life's many uncertainties. For people with OCD, it's much harder. All the evidence points to me being predominantly gay. I check out guys way more than girls. I've had crushes on dudes. I'm IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A GUY. And have done sexual things with him. And liked it (well, minus the performance anxiety part). I enjoy cuddling with him, holding him, laying in bed with him. But I still can't shake the doubts. 

The silver lining: when I'm with Ben, the doubts subside. I'm able to enjoy the moment. He has a calming effect on me. I even told him as much the other day. I told him I've been having some OCD issues lately, but I didn't specify the themes and suggested it was mostly due to anxiety about my upcoming test results (which is certainly a contributing factor).

I think part of what is feeding it is that Ben keeps telling me about how I'm such a remarkable person, how I'm amazing, how he's told all his family and friends about me and they can tell from his voice how much he likes me. I feel guilt because I really never definitively resolved my sexual orientation confusion. This online dating project was part of the process, and then I ended up meeting Ben. I'm just so worried about not being able to reciprocate the level of feeling, especially in the sexual realm. At the same time I also don't want to lose him. My life really has improved since he came into it.

Anyways, this is what I'm dealing with now. Ben's out of town for a week and a half so I will try to keep it together until he comes back. It sucks with him living so far that I can only really see him on weekends.

Video about gay parents

Interesting video, costarring Joe Bereta of one of my favorite YouTube comedy duos, Barats and Bereta.

Political and Philosophical Ramblings

Time to make up for the sparse postings with this massive post . . .

So, Barack Obama is going to be our 44th president. No big surprise there. I just really hope he is able to meet at least a fraction of the expectations that have been put on him. Sure, I voted for him. I'm just a little disturbed by the savior-status some people elevate him to. My dad, on the other hand, falls to the other extreme. I was shocked talking to him the other day. He seems to whole-heartedly believe that Obama was born in Kenya, and there is a massive cover-up to conceal that fact since it would make him ineligible for the presidency. Not to mention all of the anarchists and terrorists that he is buddy-buddy with. I really hope I never buy into wacky conspiracy theories like that. Such is the danger of constantly immersing yourself in only one side of a debate. I try to temper any Fox News I watch with MSNBC, or just stick to CNN, which at least seems somewhat balanced.

Prop 8 passed (just barely) here in California, as I'm sure everyone is aware. While I'm still working out my feelings about homosexuality, I was hoping it would fail. However, I'm not too pessimistic about the future. Looking at the demographics of the voters, young people tended to be against the proposition while older people were for it. Thus, as demographics change over the next couple of decades (or even the next decade) the scale will most likely tip in favor of allowing gay marriage.

One thing that bugs me is I find flaws in the arguments on BOTH sides of the debate. The gay rights side's argument is that this is an issue of equality of rights. One group is being deprived of fundamental rights by another group which enjoys them. My friend pointed out an interesting flaw to this argument: as it is now, everyone has the same marriage rights, the right to marry the opposite sex. No one group is being deprived of rights that another group has, despite the argument of gay rights activists. What they want is ADDITIONAL rights, the right to marry the same sex, that would apply to everyone (though gay people would obviously be the only ones who would want to use these rights). Now, supporters of gay marriage would argue that the right that gays are being deprived of is the right to marry the one they love. But is that a fundamental right? What if the one you love is married to someone else? Is that spouse depriving you of your fundamental rights? Just food for thought. I thought the argument was interesting, and couldn't really think of a good response.

My beef with the anti-gay marriage side is probably pretty familiar. The whole emphasis on "protecting the family" and especially the whole "the way it's been for centuries must be right." They had a good point on a local radio show one day: two slutty drunk idiots can get married one night in Vegas, as long as they are a guy and a girl. But a gay couple who have loved each other for 30 years? Nope. Nothing like the "sanctity" of that heterosexual marriage. And don't get me started on the "If Prop 8 fails, they'll teach gay marriage in schools!!!" Those scare tactics are probably what tipped the balance in favor of Prop 8, sadly.

So if I find flaws in both sides, why did I choose to oppose Prop 8? I had to do some serious thinking about my views on homosexuality, and I realized that one of my major hang-ups in figuring myself out is my lingering conflicts about the issue. The increasingly mainstream view is that it is a natural variation of normal sexuality. The American Psychological Association removed it from the list of mental disorders back in the 1970s. Yet it's hard to shake the doubts from my mind. This next part is going to sound extremely controversial, I apologize in advance, the following doesn't represent my opinion, just some of the thoughts I've had lately while trying to figure the whole thing out . . .

If everyone in the world were homosexual, humanity would obviously be in big trouble since procreation would grind to a halt. So homosexuality is okay for our species as long as not too many people practice it. Now of course, in this overpopulated world, you could argue that a little less procreation might be a good thing. But should there be so many preconditions for something to be considered moral? Saying homosexuality is okay, as long as it is limited in scope and the human population is large enough to withstand any decline in procreation?

Then a weakness to this argument occurred to me. Being celibate is not considered immoral. Heck, some religious leaders are required to be. But if everyone on Earth were celibate, humanity would suffer just as much as if everyone were gay. The same number of babies would be born: zero.

So where I stand now is that homosexuality is certainly not optimal in a Darwinian sense, but I think in this day and age consenting adults who love each other should be able to marry. The alternative is way too many loveless marriages. In fact, allowing gay marriage might actually improve the overall sanctity of marriage, since marriage is supposed to be about love.

Sorry if I offended anyone with my ramblings, I just wanted to be honest with some of the arguments that have been going through my mind. Please, anyone who makes it this far, share your thoughts, I'd love to see what you think.

B