I had dinner with Brody last night. It was the first time seeing him since mid-May. I'll admit, I was VERY apprehensive about seeing him again. I even spent most of the session with my therapist talking about how I was going to deal with him, how I was going to ask for a more casual friendship than what we had.
At first our conversation was pleasant. I told him about my latest dating exploits and the three recent guys that I have had some interest in: Nick, Josh, and Kyle. He told me about a guy that he has started seeing. I told him about my eventful weekend, including the social group. It turns out his texting me later that day wasn't a coincidence. Our mutual friend who was at the social group gave him a nudge to convince him to reach out to me. I didn't address our issues at the dinner table because I didn't want to be stuck if things turned ugly. So, I waited to address them until after, out in the parking lot. I'm glad I did because . . . well things turned ugly.
It was partly my fault. I have realized that I am an over-sharer. I am honest to a fault. I feel better coming clean and not hiding things from people. Usually, that's a positive trait. But in this case, it made things worse. I found out a fundamental difference between Brody and I: whereas I like to tackle a problem with someone head on, talk it out and push through it, despite any awkwardness or unpleasantness, he prefers to just let things slide and leave the past in the past. Start things off with a blank slate. He also has a hard time grasping other people's perspectives. It is clear to me that even though he apologized he still thinks I overreacted to him yelling at me in the car, insulting me, and judging me. He still thinks it was insignificant, as well as all of his other rude behavior. He still thinks I"m oversensitive, and even said he told his mom that he had finally found a guy more sensitive than he is.
Anyways, I brought up my ambivalence going into the dinner because I wanted to reassure him that, because the conversation had gone well, I was feeling better about our friendship. I made the fatal error of saying that a couple people had encouraged me to cut him off. I was trying to make him feel good, by saying that I was going against those people's advice and trusting my gut. Instead, he got MAJORLY insulted. He decided that the ONLY way people would be giving me such advice would be if I gave them a very skewed idea of him, focusing only on the negative and not saying anything positive, such as talking about all the "countless" hours he had spent advising me on my breakup and gay dating. He recalled what I had said when he was trying to get me to demonize Ben. I had argued that I had only told him the negative about Ben, so of course he had a skewed idea of him. So now he was taking this and using it against me, and even implied that this is something that I enjoy, telling people negative things about other people. He wondered whether I was lashing out because I have feelings for him and was jealous that he was dating another guy. He scolded me for bringing up the "shit" again when he had already apologized. He reiterated again about how he is an optimistic guy and doesn't like to sweat the small stuff (once again minimizing my feelings). Soon I was shivering uncontrollably, and I'm still not sure whether the cold or my nervousness had more to do with it. We finished the conversation in his car (after I was about ready to take off several times). He was adamant that I was the one that had spoiled the positive energy by bringing up the shit. But I was not the one who was cussing. I was not the one who was raising my voice (well, until he provoked me enough). I was not the one who was judging. I was careful to talk about how his actions were making me feel, rather than what his characteristics were. He was the one calling me things like "oversensitive" and "negative," and commenting on my ruminating nature (I'll give him that one).
He also accused me of being wishy-washy about being friends with him, and practically demanded an ultimatum right on the spot. He wanted my commitment to the friendship right there and then. Frankly I was not in the mood to give it just like that. Eventually he realized he had made me feel cornered so he backed off a bit. I managed to dig myself out of the hole by explaining the real reasons why others had counseled me to drop him (mostly my mom, who is a bit cautious about meeting people online to begin with, and has dealt with a plethora of very sensitive, emotional people during her career)
Anyways, we finally parted ways. He suggested we go kayaking sometime. I responded we'd talk about it. I'd prefer it to be a group activity.
Ugh, I don't know what to do. If I move ahead and not talk about his past transgressions anymore we might reach some level of normalcy, but that's not going to change my feelings about him. I guess I'll just have to move forward and see if his behavior changes. He told me it's okay if I tell him I don't want to hang out as often as we were. I told him I'm going to be straight-forward with him about my needs and wants. So hopefully I won't have anymore conflict with him. I really think it is a personality mismatch, the likes of which I haven't experienced for years. He doesn't have many friends in the area though, and he always has nothing but praise for me (well, at least he did before). I'm just afraid I'm being too nice. I don't feel I really am overacting because I DON'T have conflict with most people. Anger is not something I experience much at all. Yet lately he's been able to bring it out of me with some regularity.
We'll see what happens.
In other news, I am thinking of writing off Nick. I really liked him. He's cute, funny, and we get along well. But it's been a month since I've seen him. I was giving him his space so he could focus on finals, but his tests have been over for a week now. I texted him last Wednesday to wish him good luck and again on Monday to see if he wants to hang out again now that they are over. No response, and usually he's very responsive. So, I was thinking of giving up. I don't want to come across as pushy.
BUT, it's not so simple. A friend of his is someone I met at a social group event. I was Facebook chatting with this guy, and he claims that Nick wants me to kiss him. He says that at our last date Nick wanted to kiss me but chickened out. I am horrible at making the first move, I must admit. I still don't have much experience with that, and I am still a little gunshy due to fear of getting rejected. I know I need to get over the latter. Knowing that he was interested after all makes me willing to try to do something if we were to hang out again, but that doesn't change the fact that he's unresponsive. His friend told me that he went home to visit family, but he's supposed to be back by now. And that shouldn't stand in the way of him texting me back. So, I don't know. May have missed an opportunity there. Oh well.
As for the other two members of the trifecta: Josh is interested in hanging out (and probably making out) more, but he's not being particularly aggressive in setting something up. Kyle has a lot of work travels ahead of him. I texted him today but haven't received a response.
Bleh. Hard to keep momentum going with people.
Despite all the drama I'm in a good mood tonight. I woke up still feeling all tense due to my confrontation with Brody, but tonight I got to do some improv with a new group of people, which always puts me in a good mood. I actually auditioned for a small local troupe. I kind of hope I get in. That would give me a great new activity to make friends, build confidence, and distract myself from the negative energy that certain individuals have given me this year.
Showing posts with label Kyle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Kyle. Show all posts
Thursday, June 20, 2013
An active weekend
Hello all.
I wrote this entry two days ago, but internet was down so I couldn't publish it. I'll publish it as is and then follow up with one for tonight.
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Saturday was an eventful day. In the morning I went kayaking with the Filipino guy from last week. I really like him, which means he gets to receive a pseudonym. Let's call him Kyle.
Kyle's really nice. He's got a cute smile and is a "late bloomer" like me, having only come out 3 years ago. He seems pretty active in the community, volunteering for an LGBT organization. Our conversation flows pretty naturally and we have some things in common, such as a fondness and knowledge of rock music. I look forward to getting to know him better. He has a bit more relationship potential than Josh, who is nice and hot but has very limited availability and is currently in an exploratory mindset. Nothing wrong with that, but I am very wary of getting involved with another guy who doesn't know what he wants. Doesn't mean I can't have a little fun with him though.
Anyways, kayaking was a blast. We were able to pull our boats onto a dock and grab lunch, which was awesome. The excursion was much more relaxed than the one with Alex a few months ago. Alex left me in the dust whereas Kyle stayed close so we could chat.
After the date I went to a social gathering with the LGBT social group. It was a lot of fun. I caught up with some of the friends I made last time and made some new ones. My friend Adam, the one who first invited me to the group, was there. His boyfriend Howie couldn't make it. Howie is actually the one I know better, since he's the one who first messaged me on OkC and first met up with Ben and I back in January. So it was kind of nice to get to know Adam a bit better on his own. He brought along a friend of his, who was accompanied by two other friends, a guy and a girl. The guy was extremely cute. He had the same name as me, so we'll call him Cal, haha.
At one point Adam informed me that the four of them were going to go to a climbing gym that had just opened. He invited me to come along, so I did. I hadn't been expecting to go kayaking AND climbing in the same day! I admit, part of the reason I went was because other Cal was going too, haha. At the gym I tried a couple of climbs. It was pretty hard! I was already nursing a headache from kayaking in the sun that morning (I don't think I drank enough water), so I wasn't able to do much. Later on we watched a bouldering competition and I tried to chat with Cal a little bit. He wasn't very talkative. Bummer.
After the gym Adam and I left to go get some dinner. The other three kept climbing until late. As we ate I chatted with Adam about various things, including my . . . ahem, breakthrough date with Josh the other night. I also talked a bit about Brody, and how I was relieved that he wasn't at the social event earlier. I was afraid things would get awkward when I saw him next. Adam reiterated how he and Howie had been less than impressed with Brody's behavior at the party we all went to. They felt he came across a bit rude.
I dropped Adam off after dinner and headed home. I had a bad headache and was exhausted and sunburned from the day of fun. Then my phone buzzed with an incoming text. Who could it be? Well speak of the . . . it was Brody.
Just a pleasant, 'Hey Stranger, how's it going? We should hang out soon' type of message. Now, I had talked to several people including my mom about him. I had told them about the OCD episode, and the incident after the party where he raised his voice to me, picked an argument and called me "abnormal" for being hung up on my ex. These instances, plus other behavior of his (passive-aggressive text messages when he felt like I was "ducking" him, for instance) made me decide it was best to distance myself. I knew I was too tired that night to come up with an appropriate response.
Sunday was uneventful. I spent most of the day recovering from Saturday. I was sore all over from using muscles I'm unaccustomed to using. It felt good, though. I went on a date in the evening with another Filipino guy. This one was the opposite of Kyle. I wasn't attracted to him, I felt we didn't have much in common, and the conversation was a little forced and awkward at times. He texted me later on, but I responded with the "maybe just friends" text. Frankly I'm not even sure that was the appropriate response. I'm just a little too determined not to throw the word "chemistry" at people.
Sunday night I spoke with Janice about the Brody situation. She agreed his behavior was unacceptable, and gave me encouragement. She offered to read what I was going to send him before I sent it, but I decided to just get it over with. I texted him, basically saying, "Sorry for the delayed response. I've enjoyed getting to know you, but I don't think I want to hang out for the time being. I'm not sure I can offer you the friendship you are looking for. Perhaps we can catch up later on but for now I think I'd prefer to maintain some distance." Yes, I took a page from Ben's playbook. Yes, it made me feel a bit like a hypocrite. BUT, this is a guy I was friends with for two months we're talking about here. He was not my boyfriend for eight and a half months. I don't think I was asking for too much to expect more from Ben.
In any case, Brody took it about as well as could be expected. He called me. I didn't answer, wanting to hear his voicemail first. He spoke calmly in the voicemail, but started to say some rather harsh things, including that if I was planning to cut him off that didn't make me a very good friend. Then he started sending me text after text after text. The first one was a passive-aggressive mockery of my text: "Thanks for the delayed response and for ignoring my phone call." He went on to say that he felt I was being oversensitive if this was still about the argument we had in the car. He then went on to say I was obviously still hung up on Ben and was taking it out on him. I had been planning to text him to say I would call him the next day to talk since by then it was 11 PM, but I caved and gave him a call.
Similarly to our interaction in the car last month, this one started as an argument and gradually became less intense. I explained to him the reasons why the friendship was not working for me. I told him that the argument in the car was NOT the only reason, just the final straw. He tried to minimize the argument, saying it was a "little squabble." I told him I resented being told I was oversensitive for having a problem with it. I explained that I had opened up to him about my break up because I considered him a friend, and felt betrayed and attacked when he suddenly laid into me. He made it worse by suggesting that the words "appalled" and "abnormal" were consciously chosen rather than thrown out in anger.
Finally I told him that, regardless of whether he felt I should still be angry about it or not, I would need an apology or there would be nothing further for us to discuss. I think that's the line I'm most proud of, how badass of me, haha.
He resisted apologizing at first, but finally I got him to understand what he had done wrong and why I was hurt and he changed his tune. He apologized for insulting and judging me, and he acknowledged that everyone heals from a breakup on their own timetable. He also explained to me that the reason he lost his temper had much to do with the feelings that had developed for me. He apologized for losing his cool, and assured me it was not a sign of things to come but rather a freak occurrence. He said he felt that our friendship had much more positive to it then negative, and would be very saddened if it ended like this. He also apologized for saying I was no longer allowed to talk to him about my break up. He said that was a violation of his own philosophy of an unconditional friendship, and that moving forward I was welcome to come to him with whatever topic was on my mind. I admit, I do not like to burn bridges if I can help it, but I was still very apprehensive about continuing to associate with him. I had already given him several chances.
Ultimately I decided to give him another chance. BUT, we would need to have a conversation first to set boundaries and make sure we are on the same page. I do not want to hang out with him multiple times per week. I don't want to spend hours with him on the phone. And I don't want him trying to tie me up in conversation when he senses I am getting antsy. That's just disrespectful. I will give him the chance to make our friendship more symmetrical, and I will not hesitate to be blunt about my needs. That's what I had to do with Tom back in our troubled phase.
I wrote this entry two days ago, but internet was down so I couldn't publish it. I'll publish it as is and then follow up with one for tonight.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Saturday was an eventful day. In the morning I went kayaking with the Filipino guy from last week. I really like him, which means he gets to receive a pseudonym. Let's call him Kyle.
Kyle's really nice. He's got a cute smile and is a "late bloomer" like me, having only come out 3 years ago. He seems pretty active in the community, volunteering for an LGBT organization. Our conversation flows pretty naturally and we have some things in common, such as a fondness and knowledge of rock music. I look forward to getting to know him better. He has a bit more relationship potential than Josh, who is nice and hot but has very limited availability and is currently in an exploratory mindset. Nothing wrong with that, but I am very wary of getting involved with another guy who doesn't know what he wants. Doesn't mean I can't have a little fun with him though.
Anyways, kayaking was a blast. We were able to pull our boats onto a dock and grab lunch, which was awesome. The excursion was much more relaxed than the one with Alex a few months ago. Alex left me in the dust whereas Kyle stayed close so we could chat.
After the date I went to a social gathering with the LGBT social group. It was a lot of fun. I caught up with some of the friends I made last time and made some new ones. My friend Adam, the one who first invited me to the group, was there. His boyfriend Howie couldn't make it. Howie is actually the one I know better, since he's the one who first messaged me on OkC and first met up with Ben and I back in January. So it was kind of nice to get to know Adam a bit better on his own. He brought along a friend of his, who was accompanied by two other friends, a guy and a girl. The guy was extremely cute. He had the same name as me, so we'll call him Cal, haha.
At one point Adam informed me that the four of them were going to go to a climbing gym that had just opened. He invited me to come along, so I did. I hadn't been expecting to go kayaking AND climbing in the same day! I admit, part of the reason I went was because other Cal was going too, haha. At the gym I tried a couple of climbs. It was pretty hard! I was already nursing a headache from kayaking in the sun that morning (I don't think I drank enough water), so I wasn't able to do much. Later on we watched a bouldering competition and I tried to chat with Cal a little bit. He wasn't very talkative. Bummer.
After the gym Adam and I left to go get some dinner. The other three kept climbing until late. As we ate I chatted with Adam about various things, including my . . . ahem, breakthrough date with Josh the other night. I also talked a bit about Brody, and how I was relieved that he wasn't at the social event earlier. I was afraid things would get awkward when I saw him next. Adam reiterated how he and Howie had been less than impressed with Brody's behavior at the party we all went to. They felt he came across a bit rude.
I dropped Adam off after dinner and headed home. I had a bad headache and was exhausted and sunburned from the day of fun. Then my phone buzzed with an incoming text. Who could it be? Well speak of the . . . it was Brody.
Just a pleasant, 'Hey Stranger, how's it going? We should hang out soon' type of message. Now, I had talked to several people including my mom about him. I had told them about the OCD episode, and the incident after the party where he raised his voice to me, picked an argument and called me "abnormal" for being hung up on my ex. These instances, plus other behavior of his (passive-aggressive text messages when he felt like I was "ducking" him, for instance) made me decide it was best to distance myself. I knew I was too tired that night to come up with an appropriate response.
Sunday was uneventful. I spent most of the day recovering from Saturday. I was sore all over from using muscles I'm unaccustomed to using. It felt good, though. I went on a date in the evening with another Filipino guy. This one was the opposite of Kyle. I wasn't attracted to him, I felt we didn't have much in common, and the conversation was a little forced and awkward at times. He texted me later on, but I responded with the "maybe just friends" text. Frankly I'm not even sure that was the appropriate response. I'm just a little too determined not to throw the word "chemistry" at people.
Sunday night I spoke with Janice about the Brody situation. She agreed his behavior was unacceptable, and gave me encouragement. She offered to read what I was going to send him before I sent it, but I decided to just get it over with. I texted him, basically saying, "Sorry for the delayed response. I've enjoyed getting to know you, but I don't think I want to hang out for the time being. I'm not sure I can offer you the friendship you are looking for. Perhaps we can catch up later on but for now I think I'd prefer to maintain some distance." Yes, I took a page from Ben's playbook. Yes, it made me feel a bit like a hypocrite. BUT, this is a guy I was friends with for two months we're talking about here. He was not my boyfriend for eight and a half months. I don't think I was asking for too much to expect more from Ben.
In any case, Brody took it about as well as could be expected. He called me. I didn't answer, wanting to hear his voicemail first. He spoke calmly in the voicemail, but started to say some rather harsh things, including that if I was planning to cut him off that didn't make me a very good friend. Then he started sending me text after text after text. The first one was a passive-aggressive mockery of my text: "Thanks for the delayed response and for ignoring my phone call." He went on to say that he felt I was being oversensitive if this was still about the argument we had in the car. He then went on to say I was obviously still hung up on Ben and was taking it out on him. I had been planning to text him to say I would call him the next day to talk since by then it was 11 PM, but I caved and gave him a call.
Similarly to our interaction in the car last month, this one started as an argument and gradually became less intense. I explained to him the reasons why the friendship was not working for me. I told him that the argument in the car was NOT the only reason, just the final straw. He tried to minimize the argument, saying it was a "little squabble." I told him I resented being told I was oversensitive for having a problem with it. I explained that I had opened up to him about my break up because I considered him a friend, and felt betrayed and attacked when he suddenly laid into me. He made it worse by suggesting that the words "appalled" and "abnormal" were consciously chosen rather than thrown out in anger.
Finally I told him that, regardless of whether he felt I should still be angry about it or not, I would need an apology or there would be nothing further for us to discuss. I think that's the line I'm most proud of, how badass of me, haha.
He resisted apologizing at first, but finally I got him to understand what he had done wrong and why I was hurt and he changed his tune. He apologized for insulting and judging me, and he acknowledged that everyone heals from a breakup on their own timetable. He also explained to me that the reason he lost his temper had much to do with the feelings that had developed for me. He apologized for losing his cool, and assured me it was not a sign of things to come but rather a freak occurrence. He said he felt that our friendship had much more positive to it then negative, and would be very saddened if it ended like this. He also apologized for saying I was no longer allowed to talk to him about my break up. He said that was a violation of his own philosophy of an unconditional friendship, and that moving forward I was welcome to come to him with whatever topic was on my mind. I admit, I do not like to burn bridges if I can help it, but I was still very apprehensive about continuing to associate with him. I had already given him several chances.
Ultimately I decided to give him another chance. BUT, we would need to have a conversation first to set boundaries and make sure we are on the same page. I do not want to hang out with him multiple times per week. I don't want to spend hours with him on the phone. And I don't want him trying to tie me up in conversation when he senses I am getting antsy. That's just disrespectful. I will give him the chance to make our friendship more symmetrical, and I will not hesitate to be blunt about my needs. That's what I had to do with Tom back in our troubled phase.
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