Map of your head

Don't you wish you could read minds sometimes?

My friendship with Ben is growing. Every time I talk to him on the phone we end up chatting for at least 30 minutes it seems. Sunday we texted back and forth about my plans to come up to LA this weekend, and he invited me to go to a karaoke place with him and his friends. I've never done that before, so that should be an interesting experience. Plus it will be the first time I meet some of his friends, other than briefly meeting some of his roommates. Meanwhile I'm trying to interpret various things. For instance, while we were chatting I tried to give him a little motivational boost, since he's been having a rather stressful time at work lately. He responded back with a thank you and said "I've been enjoying chatting with you." An innocent enough statement, but why explicitly state it?  In addition, the last time we hiked we shared some food from a cafe in the park. I was going to sit across from him but he suggested we sit next to each other, so I complied. The better to share our food, right? Haha, I don't know. On the one hand I feel like we've gotten to know each other a little bit better since he relegated me to the Friend Zone, so it's possible that these are signs that his affection for me is growing, and he might reconsider dating at some point. Or my wishful thinking could just be leading me to read too far into things. I'm just trying to figure out whether or not my place in the Friend Zone is a temporary assignment. His reasoning for putting me there was that he wanted someone with more experience, so it wasn't that there was no spark or anything. I know he likes me on some level. I'd just like to know whether his feelings are growing at all . . . because I know mine definitely are.

Like I said before, Ben's the only guy I've gone out with that I've felt this way about. Jake had my emotions for a while, but those dispersed pretty quickly after we met up in person. Aaron's the only other one who's managed to build up any amount of affection, though as I said before it's more of a friend connection (I wussed out on giving him the talk by the way, I'd better call him tomorrow). I spoke to a new guy on the phone last night that I was quite interested in, based on his profile. His voice was quite feminine though, which unfortunately was a bit of a turn off for me. I feel bad, and I'll probably still meet up with him if given the chance . . . but yeah, can't help what you're attracted to.

With Ben, it's like he's the whole package. I like his personality, his sense of humor, his looks, his smile, his voice . . . he's super nice, we have several major interests in common, we get along great and time flies by when I'm talking to him. I'm afraid I like him TOO much, and since he already disappointed me once I'm a little afraid of putting myself out there in case he hasn't changed his mind since then. So I guess that's why I'm looking for the signs first. I also don't want to come on too strongly. If I had my way I'd be talking to him a lot more often, haha.

I guess all I can do is just meet up with him this weekend and see how things go.

Talk

Hmm, I'm not sure I'm wild about the new design of this website.

Today's song is "Talk." Because it seems a theme over this entry is conversation. Specifically, a somewhat slow conversation, a great natural conversation . . . and an upcoming uncomfortable conversation.

Today I met up with Jake for the first time since our first meeting. We saw "Cabin in the Woods" which is a crazy movie. I'm a big Joss Whedon fan and he helped write it, plus I'm a big Chris Hemsworth fan too (and he was HOT in this movie). Afterward we chatted a bit about our exploits in the online dating world. I told him about my interesting situation dating both Aaron and his ex-boyfriend, he got a kick out of that. It's strange though . . . now that I'm far removed from the emotional highs of our initial correspondence I realize that Jake and I really don't have super great chemistry. Too many awkward lapses in the conversation, and I felt like I was doing most of the work of keeping it going. I still like him as a friend though, and definitely plan to hang out with him again sometime.

It's different with Ben. I left him a message today and he called back after the movie. We talked on the phone for 40 minutes. Talking to him is very natural. I think I'll go up to LA again next weekend, I definitely want to hang out with him again. He even offered to come down to my area to hang out again, which I thought was really nice of him. After talking on the phone with him today, the glimmer of hope that we could start dating again at some point down the road was strengthened a bit. And even if that didn't happen, I can see us becoming really good friends.

Meanwhile I'm hiking with Aaron tomorrow. I know I probably shouldn't put too much weight in what his ex-boyfriend said about him (clingy, needy), but admittedly it does make me kind of cautious about going any further with him. It sucks . . . I like him just fine. He's a nice guy, and kind of cute. But I'm not really getting relationship-level attraction vibes from him (especially not while my mind is on Ben, haha). So I guess I'll need to have the "friend talk" tomorrow, which I've never given to anyone before. I hope he takes it alright. Then there's the question of whether and how I should remain friends with both him and his ex-bf! Neither knows that I've dated the other one. What kind of crazy reality show did I wind up in?

Over my head

This dating thing gets crazy sometimes.

Earlier this week I felt a little inundated with messages on OKCupid. At one point it seemed like no sooner did I finish replying to one message that another would come. It has calmed down now, I don't know what the heck was going on.

Then one guy I had been corresponding with IMed me. He seemed like a pretty nice guy. At one point he mentioned how he wanted to crawl into bed, and I agreed that that sounded good. Of course that opened the door to him being a little more directly flirtatious, and he suggested I join him. Throughout the conversation it kept going back to that. I was pretty honest with him about how inexperienced I am. Having been burned by that with Ben I was half expecting the same thing. Instead it just seemed to make this guy more interested. He said my virginity made him respect me more. I don't know, seems to me like this guy would like to be the one to deflower this little virgin, haha. But I'm not quite ready for that . . . call me old fashioned but I'd like to wait for someone I actually have feelings for.

Meanwhile while chatting with him I got another IM from some random guy in Maryland who has eventual plans to move to So Cal. It was late so I had to cut that conversation short, but before I logged off he asked if he could have my Facebook or Skype name. Really dude? I suggested we just stick to the website for now. Kinda weird.

On the other hand there's quite a few guys I'm corresponding with that I think are cute and seem interesting, so we'll see where that goes. They all live kind of far though. Tonight I went out with Guy # 8, who lives pretty close. The physical attraction wasn't too high (honestly I haven't really been too attracted to anyone I've gone out with other than Ben, am I too picky?) but we got along great. Our conversation probably ranked near the top of the first dates so far. One interesting development: this guy used to date Aaron. For six months. When he mentioned Aaron's name I tried my best to keep a poker face and he didn't notice. Apparently this guy ended up breaking up with Aaron because he got too needy and clingy. Interesting. And I'm going hiking with Aaron this weekend, which will be the third time we meet up. I was already thinking of giving him the "friend talk" and I think this revelation might just seal the deal. Just need to figure out how to do it. Maybe I should ask Ben for pointers, haha.

Really I just can't stop thinking about Ben and how much I enjoyed spending Sunday with him. I really need to open my mind to other guys because it ain't gonna happen with him, at least, not anytime soon.

In other news, I'm going to meet up with Jake for the first time since the "no spark" text. We're going to go see a movie this weekend. I talked to him on the phone the other night, which was nice. We had communicated so intensely for that 2 1/2 weeks that it was quite strange to just mostly cut off contact after that.

Also, I talked to my longtime friend who is gay and told him about my dating exploits. He was completely surprised, and very impressed. He said I've dated more guys than he has!

Yeah, I'm feeling kind of overwhelmed right now. I have Aaron and another guy who are interested in me, and now this guy from tonight has already texted me wanting to meet up again. I wish I felt more of a connection to one of them, more than just a friend connection. If it weren't for Ben I would be totally questioning this whole gay thing right about now. Oh well, just gotta keep chugging.

Double whammy of music today. I guess a lot of people get in over their heads.

Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy

Why the song of the day? Because it's been stuck in my head for a week and I'm feeling pretty good about the whole "gay thing" right now, haha.

Why? Well I had a great weekend in Los Angeles, during which I did two things relevant to my on-going journey.

On Saturday night I met up with blogger friend El Genio (thanks again man!) and one of his friends to hit West Hollywood. This time I was able to stay out much later so I got to see three different gay bars, including the famous Abbey. While I didn't interact with anyone outside of the group, I was totally fine in those surroundings (and no creepy old guys coming onto me this time). Also, I enjoyed the eye candy at The Abbey. There were really buff male dancers showing off their moves. I asked myself, "Would you prefer it if they were women?" and the clear answer was "No." I also became a bit more familiar with the layout of WeHo, due to accidentally parking several blocks away from where I was supposed to meet EG. So, next time I won't be as nervous about where I'm going to park.

Sunday was great. I met up with Ben for our first "friend date." We hiked in Griffith Park, the huge park in Los Angeles. It was beautiful! I'd never been there before, and was amazed at how sprawling and pretty it was. Great views of the city and the Hollywood sign. We ate at a cafe in the park, in a very "campgroundesque" area. We also visited the Observatory, which was really cool. We talked the whole time, and I must say at the end of the day I found myself liking him even more than before. Having this not be a date took a lot of the pressure off, so maybe I was more comfortable. In any case I'm excited to have him as a friend. I'm definitely open to more down the road if he ever changes his mind about the experience thing, and/or if he feels the same way. If not, it is what it is. I'm just glad to have met him.

I also emailed Jake to see how he's doing. He emailed back a really nice message and expressed interest in meeting up and catching a movie again sometime. So, it looks like I've made two really good friends via the online dating. Not too shabby!

Meanwhile I got quite a few of messages over the weekend on one of the sites, several of which were from guys that I thought were quite attractive and interesting. Ego boost! We will see how that goes.

Forecast for the week: Wednesday having dinner with my gay actor friend, and plan to finally fill him in on my dating exploits. Thursday going on a date with a new guy. I'm not sure about him . . . he was in a 10-year relationship with a guy starting when he was 18 and is thus now pretty new to dating. However, he's not out and he says his parents are pretty much in denial about his sexuality. Sounds like possible drama to me but I'll give him a chance. This weekend I'll probably go hiking again, this time with Aaron. I wish I was into him more . . . I'm not quite sure what it is. Maybe no "spark," haha. Well, depending on how the hike goes maybe I'll give my very first "friends" speech.

Free Will

Today's song contains one of my favorite set of lyrics. The song is basically a criticism of those who blame forces outside of themselves for all of life's misfortunes, and it promotes taking responsibility for your own destiny. It also contains one of my favorite quotes ever: "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice." This line has become something of a credo for me over the last couple of years as I've been paralyzed by anxiety and indecision. I have come to realize that it is up to me to forge my own destiny, that I am not powerless when it comes to aspects of my life that I am unhappy with.

I went on First Date # 5 on Monday. We'll call this guy Aaron. He messaged me on one of the dating websites and we got to talking back and forth. To be honest, based on his pictures I didn't really expect to be that attracted to him, but I was willing to meet up. In person I was pleasantly surprised. He was better looking in person and was a really nice guy. We talked a good long while. He is probably the most "obviously" gay compared to the other guys I've gone out with, as far as his voice goes. I actually didn't mind it though, which is good.

He texted me on Tuesday to say it was great to meet me, and to express interest in getting together again. That felt good, with the other guys it was always me sending that text, haha. I texted him back saying I'd like to meet again. Even though I didn't necessarily feel "fireworks" or anything, if I like someone enough I'm willing to give them some time and a couple of meetings to see if a spark develops (unlike some Australian individuals who shall remain nameless, hehe).  Aaron called me today to say hi and to discuss meeting sometime next week (he's out of town this weekend). It's definitely an ego boost that he likes me!

I'll also be meeting up with someone this weekend (#6). This is another that I'm not sure about, but he seems nice enough so I figure I'll give him a shot.

Coming back to the free will idea . . . all of this dating definitely makes me feel like I'm practicing my free will. I'm getting to the point where I'm finally deciding to decide. I hate feeling like a leaf in the wind. I'm ready to take control of my life.