Last week I was in a very weird mood. I touched on it a little bit in my last entry. I was feeling a bit of the old doubts and confusions creep in, which was quite distressing to me. I was stressing about the future, about the doors I'd be closing by going forward with a relationship with Ben. I started having some of the old obsessions coming back, including trying to test/check my sexuality by looking for any hint of attraction to girls. There actually was one, a nurse in my doctor's office, that I felt pretty attracted to, which just fed the confusion more. The visit with the counselor did help me quite a bit. As I said before, she pointed out that I had experienced a lot of significant events in a short time span (the comments helped too guys, thanks). Another part of the issue may have been my first sexual escapade, which had made me a bit self-conscious because it took a long time for me to climax (I finally finished it myself because I was a little embarrassed about how long it was taking). Also, I think I'm still trying to adjust to the biggest change in my life, trying to integrate the fact that I'm in a gay relationship into my self-concept. It got so bad that I even started feeling guilty, like I was dragging Ben along while I still was "All Mixed Up" about myself.
Luckily, all of that changed when Friday evening rolled around. As soon as I drove to LA and was greeted by Ben's smiling face the doubts began to melt away. Before long we were cuddling on his bed. Thus began yet another epic weekend of non-stop fun.
First we went to a rock concert in Hollywood with some of Ben's friends. Outside the club I walked right by Tyler Posey, the (hot) actor from MTV's Teen Wolf. Apparently he's in a band that played before we got there.
| This is what I could have seen. D'oh!! |
Saturday we went hiking in Runyon Canyon (the two of us and a friend), where you can see all sorts of beefcake in their natural habitat. The city views were amazing too! And so many dogs! Then that night we went in a big group to see an improv show. My cousin joined us. The show was excellent, and afterward Ben, my cousin, Ben's friend, and I went walking through Hollywood. I'd never done it at night before. It was amazing. We walked over to Grouman's Chinese Theater and eventually ended up at a diner where we had a late night snack. It was a great time.
Sunday I went to have lunch with my cousin and our friend . . . let's call him "Lance." I may have mentioned this particular friend before . . . Suffice it to say that coming out to this guy was kind of a big deal for me. Well I did, and Lance took it very well. He was totally cool about it, and admitted that he and Janice had speculated about me during our Europe trip back in 2010. I don't think I'll be telling him that I used to have feelings for him . . . no need to complicate things and by now that's pretty irrelevant.
After I returned to Ben we vegged out on his bed for a while. We had talked about renting bikes and going to Santa Monica, but the impulse to just relax and hold each other was pretty strong, haha. Finally (after a couple of false starts) we decided to do it. We said goodbye to Ben's gal pal who had spent the night (I hope she wasn't too upset to have the pull-out bed since I kinda stole her cuddle buddy . . .) and drove over to Santa Monica. I'm so glad we did! We rented the bikes and rode around for about an hour and a half. After that we spent some time hanging out at the fitness area near the pier watching some extremely attractive guys use the "traveling rings." I also just had to show off and do some pull-ups. I did 13, a personal best! After that we walked through the Third Street Promenade in Santa Monica and had dinner. There was live music, and when it got dark and all the lights in the trees came on it was beautiful. Several times throughout the day Ben and I practiced our PDA. We'd walk with our arms around each other and sometimes even hold hands. The latter I could really only do comfortable for a short while before I got too nervous about people looking.
Sunday night as we lay in bed we had a talk. Ben surprised me by saying that before me, he had actually been pretty inhibited when it comes to PDA as well, and that he didn't detect my reservations at all. I admit, I'm a bit amazed at myself over how I've been able to do it. I guess I'm finally getting over what other people think of me. I also opened up a bit about the doubts I'd had last week, but assured him that the time spent with him had shattered those doubts. Finally . . . to top off an amazing weekend, I asked Ben if he would be my boyfriend (since he pretty much already was). He said absolutely.
So now here I am. I'm no longer "experimenting." I'm no longer "trying out" dating guys to see if it's for me. I've found an amazing guy who makes me smile just thinking about him, who makes every minute I spend with him feel like I'm on vacation, who makes the minutes fly by when I talk to him on the phone. Could I have the same thing with a girl? Maybe yes, maybe no. But it's time I got my head out of the what ifs and the future and started enjoying the now. Because if it feels right in the now, chances are the future will be just fine.
The song that inspired the name of this blog:
And another one in honor of the awesome weekend:
4 comments:
Hah! This time you don't need any advice from us, you already came to the right conclusion. Your attitude about living for the moment vs. worrying about how your might be perceived, how things might turn out is the best approach. Because at some point you can't let worries about possibilities hold you back from action. You are doing fine, altho it's taken some angst to get there -- just go with the flow now that it's got your back.
Awesome! Congrats for being 'official' boyfriends :-)
Altough you're not Ben's first bf ever, it seems he's feeling things with/for you he didn't had for those other guys, which comes through as real love to me.
Don't bother too much about how long it took you to 'finish things'. Been there too many times, and I know others have too. It seems like - how should I call it? - sensitive or self-conscious guys often struggle with that. Mostly because you aren't totally comfortable or you're nervous or worried about someting. Since it was your first time, you don't need to dig that deep for finding some possible stress-factors (and your wrote about the mixed-up feelings coming up again).
Adrenaline kills erection and/or ejaculation (in my case just the latter). That's just chemistry, although it can come trough as a big deal. I've had that for various reasons, like when there's a little fear for getting caught (when not at home) or when other stuff (from work or whatever) is really bothering me.
But let's end with someting good: you're doing awesome!
btw too bad you didn't see that band: yummie! ;-)
Does it really matter this instant whether or not you could have a similarly strong relationship with a girl? No. You're with Ben and you're happy, and that's all that matters this instant.
I'm glad he wipes away the doubts from your mind. Sounds like you're getting more and more comfortable (don't worry about taking too long to finish, probably just nerves).
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