It's been more than 3 weeks since the break-up. I still haven't had any contact with Ben. I'm holding out at least one more week, and even then I think it will just be a brief call for starters. The pain is still too great and I miss him too much.
I went up to LA for the first time since the break-up yesterday, for a friend's birthday. We spent the whole day and much of the night walking around downtown LA. It was a lot of fun, except passing so many places I had been with Ben was quite difficult, as was knowing that his house was a 10 minute drive from where we were. The night kind of ended up a bust . . . a friend of a friend who was in the group got wasted and kicked out of the bar we were in . . . then wouldn't get let into any other bars. By the end of the night I was tired and feeling really sad.
One interesting thing about the day . . . another friend of a friend tagged along who was pretty cute. Turns out he's gay and newly out. I chatted with him quite a bit. Nice guy, just moved over from Europe. Mixed ethnicity (just like Ben, oh boy). He added me on Facebook and asked me to drop him a line next time I'm up in LA. At the very least, I have a new LA buddy!
I've started chatting and meeting up with guys from the dating site again. I met up with one Thursday night at a local bar. We've been Facebook friends since last year, but never met up in person. He knew about my breakup and so it was more of a friend get-together than an actual date. He was really cool. Slightly on the feminine-acting side, which I don't always find attractive, but then again Ben had a little bit of that too and I grew to like it. We had a great conversation, and he has a really good sense of humor. I think I'll be seeing him again.
Today I went on a date with a guy who is quite a bit younger than me (by five years). He's really cute and nice, but I didn't really feel the right "chemistry" (oh great, now I'm saying it). He was a bit on the quiet side, and a little too boyish for me. I don't want to date someone who still looks like a teenager. I also need someone a bit more outgoing, who can carry on a conversation without me having to do most of the work. Too many awkward silences. Still, a really nice guy and I wouldn't mind seeing him again. He texted me afterward to see if I would be interested in meeting up again. I said yes, but with the caveat that it would have to be as friends.
There's another guy I've been chatting with who I like quite a lot. Based on his messages he seems like he would be quite talkative and funny. We've made plans to go hiking at some point. I think I will wait at least a week if not more. I want to take things slow for now since I'm still hurting from my break-up.
Oh, and curiosity got the better of me. I checked Ben's profile on the dating website after it disappeared from my search results. Now he's listed as "straight." I assume this is because he figures it will be easier for him to meet up with girls that way than if he's listed as "bisexual". Then I presume he would tell them the truth a couple dates in. Still, a pattern is definitely emerging. For someone who supposedly values honesty, he is definitely not above fudging the truth to make things easier for himself. Whether it's telling me the relationship is going well for him (until he's ready to tell the truth . . . too late) or labeling himself as straight on the website. Basically, he's honest but only on his own terms and in his own time. Let's see how far that gets him in future relationships.
I'm working under the assumption that Ben does not read this even though I gave him the link. I figure he doesn't care enough to read it. If he does . . . well, feel free to announce yourself in the comments. Sorry for all the harsh words but . . . well you kinda deserve them. At the same time, I really feel sorry for you and the confused state you must be in about what you want. Believe me, as you may be able to tell from the title of this blog I am no stranger to confusion. If only you had opened up to me about this sooner, we could have talked about things and maybe I could have helped you start to sort things out. Maybe someday I will still get that chance. But before that happens, before we can be friends . . . I'm going to have to learn to trust you again.
1 comment:
Your venturing out, to talk and see other guys is a positive step. It's certainly better than sitting at home alone, replaying action (or non-actions) in your mind. So many people do that and make themselves sad and angry, but it's not really productive.
Just don't move too fast with any of the new guys you are seeing. You don't seem like the type of guy who would fall into the rebound relationship trap. Some people fall into the situation of needing validation/affirmation that they will just rush into a new relationship, as a way to rebuild their confidence and self-worth. It usually does not end well; it's not really good for you in the long run and neither are you giving the other guy a real shot to be with you.
So please, take things slow. I know this is difficult to follow in real life when your emotions take hold of someone you think would be "perfect" as a replacement for Ben. It will make you feel better about yourself in the short run but may not last, and then the cycle repeats itself, so beware, it is a trap.
But like I said, I think you are practical enough to see the possible danger. Some people become gun shy and avoid intimate relationships -- that also is not a winning solution to wall yourself off from the rest of the world to prevent getting hurt again. You have to be willing to make yourself vulnerable again if you want the other guy to let you in as well.
Don't worry if you are still missing Ben. 3 weeks feels like an eternity but it's not that long a time to get over him. You still are nursing your wounds and need time to heal.
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