A few days ago I logged into Facebook and got a message in my news feed that Ben had changed his relationship status to "Single." I had already removed "In a Relationship" from my profile, but I did it in secret. Ben didn't think to do that, so his status change went out to all his friends. So I went and made my status "Single" so it would show up on news feeds too. Yeah, I know. Silly me.
Anyways, my uncle and aunt called me a little while ago to express their sympathy over the dissolution of my relationship. They learned about it from that Facebook post. I appreciated that soooo much! This is the uncle and aunt that are the parents of my three cousins (aka, my best friends in the world), but are also the very conservative, Fox News watching relatives that I had been worried about coming out to. So for them to call me like that made me feel very loved and accepted. They were sad that they never got to meet Ben, especially after hearing such great things about him from those who had (my parents, my cousins, and me of course).
The other night I was browsing on the dating website and was randomly messaged by a guy in Georgia. Turns out the guy just wanted conversation, and we ended up getting into quite an interesting one. He's two months into a relationship, and he finds himself in Ben's shoes. He feels that his boyfriend is way more into him than he is. I advised him to be honest and open about his feelings, and to not lead his boyfriend on by pretending everything is okay when it's not. But since they're only two months in, I also encouraged him to give it some time. I told him about my plan to reach out to Ben eventually, probably after a month of zero contact. He didn't think a month was enough time at all, especially since the breakup was one-sided.
Heck, everyone seems to have an opinion about this. How long should the "No Contact" period last after a break-up? I've read several answers to this question on the internet. Some say a month. Some say two months. Some say half the length of the relationship (which in my case would be more like four months). And then there are those that say forever, that you should just move on and not even try to be friends with an ex. I can't stand people who say that. Everyone's different, every relationship is different, and every breakup is different. To say that exes should never try to be friends is such a ridiculous generalization.
How I'm approaching it now: 30 days is not set in stone. Instead, I will assess how I feel around that time, after it's been about a month since the split. I will probably give him a call to see how he's doing and just take things from there. My feelings will then determine whether and when I see him again. Of course, it would be great if he was the first one to reach out . . . that would prove to me he really does want to be friends. But I sincerely doubt that will happen. The ball's gonna have to be in my court.
I do think that before a friendship is possible we are going to have to have a conversation. I want to talk about the things that hurt me the most about the breakup. Namely, 1) the fact that he kept his feelings (or lack thereof) to himself for so long, and was dishonest when I would ask him how he felt about the relationship; 2) the very quick turnaround time between him finally telling me about his issues and breaking things off; and 3) putting up a dating profile just a week (or less) after we broke up.
I just spent several hours watching video clips of the Will and Sonny story line from Days of Our Lives. I want what they have. I want to be with someone who not only says he loves me, but means it . . . and shows it. I don't want to find myself second-guessing about my partner's feelings. I shouldn't have to.
2 comments:
True to your analytical mind, your approach has been thought through and sensible about your cooling off period with Ben. Just do what feels right to you.
Most people would also want those same questions of yours answered and if that's what it takes for you to get closure, then go for it. But the real truth may still hurt, so be prepared for that.
The biggest hurdle towards resuming a friendship with him (besides him making some moves/giving signs that he wants to) is rebuilding the broken trust. Ben was more than simply a romantic fling, he became a close friend. Someone you felt comfortable sharing things and showing yourself that few others will know. I get the sense you enjoyed his friendship and companionship more than the pure lustful romance side -- which I agree with you is an important ingredient for a lasting relationship.
It's not easy to just forgive him and then move on to be friends but you seem determined to try. You will have to separate whatever lingering romance feelings you have and channel them into a new platonic paradigm.
I can see why some do the "burn the bridges and don't look back" with ex-BFs. If you stay friends with him, you'll have to endure him finding a new BF (or GF). him talking about his new relationships, etc. How will that make you feel? It's just too much to bear for some and they rather not know at all.
I'm not sure what else to say. While you've had your ups and downs, you're taking all this fairly well. Continue to go by what feels right and hopefully your analytical mind will lead you correctly. :-)
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