Next weekend should be more eventful. As I said before, I'm planning on going up to LA to attend a party. While I'm up there I plan to meet up with my cousin Roger, my friend Lance, and Ben. I'm thinking maybe we can all go hiking together or something.
I've been corresponding with several guys from the dating website. There's one that I like quite a bit, I'm looking forward to meeting up with him. There are several others that I've been texting back and forth with.
I know that in order to truly move on after a break up, you have to kill whatever hope you have of getting back together. I guess my problem is I see the break up as being more due to Ben's current state of mind rather than any fundamental incompatibility between us. I can't help but hope that once he satisfies his curiosity about dating girls he will decide he wants a guy after all and will come back to me. Realistically, I know that even if he goes back to guys, that won't change the fact that he didn't feel strong enough feelings for me. So even though I was the "whole package" and we "looked good on paper," there is something about me that fails to ring his bell. And even if he wanted to give me another shot, I'm not sure it would be wise for me to accept. He's already rejected me twice before. How foolish I would feel to be rejected a third time by the same person. He would definitely have to convince me that things were different.
The last month has seen the resurgence of a lot of my sexuality confusion. After browsing on internet forums, it seems that a term that describes me pretty well is "demisexual." Basically, it means that I don't have interest in sex outside of a serious relationship. I need strong emotional feelings for someone in order to have any sort of drive (and even then the drive is low). The good part of that, obviously, is I won't have to worry about being tempted to cheat, or be promiscuous. The downside is it makes it hard to know who to pursue. I guess I really do just need to focus on meeting people and making friends first. If someone catches my attention like Ben did, then I'll go from there.
4 comments:
Despite your reconnection with Ben, I'm afraid that roller coaster ride of ups and downs will continue for awhile. It's something that comes with territory of being in a relationship and then having to disentangle yourself.
There's nothing wrong in you reaching out to your friends to plan some activity -- perhaps some don't even know that you are free weekends again? Other than your facebook update, you did not indicate that you much broadcast the news. And if would be understandable if you didn't -- but if you are going to want the support of your circle of friends, you might have to ask.
As for retaining any hope of reconciliation with Ben, I think it's quite clear the way you talk about him, that you would consider it. Because you love him. But unless he changes his mind, your love will have to transform into friendship/platonic love. It's still a kind of love, just not the romantic kind you were hoping for.
You should not keep your life on hold just in the slim chance he comes back -- but I have known a couple of couples that had to breakup first to realize what a good thing they had and lost when compared to the available competition -- and then they got together for good. Let Ben go, if he comes back, it's because he wants to, and he'll return with a new perspective and expectations.
Finally, I just want to say, you have endured this with a lot of maturity and grace. We have seen your journey and we all can relate to the highs and lows you have felt and described. It has been heartbreaking to see you suffer, but you will emerge stronger and wiser in the end.
Thanks fan of casey. This comment, and all the ones you leave, are much appreciated. This blog has helped me so much in dealing with the events of the last few weeks. When I spoke to him on the phone, Ben referenced the comments that had complimented me on how I am handling the break up. He feels the same.
I recognize the foolishness of carrying a torch for him. Perhaps I will just carry a candle. I will focus on bettering myself, meeting others, and keeping him as a friend. If (a big if) he eventually opens his door back up to me, he will find mine open just a crack for him.
Your post sounds like it could have been written by me. I second fan of casey's advice
I also came across the definition of "demisexual" and I can sympathize with that definition. Maybe that's why things are so difficult for me? Idk, but it sucks, so I feel ya.
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