I was feeling pretty good for most of the day. I thought to myself, "Well, I'm definitely out of the Denial Stage. And even though I'm still bouncing between Sadness and Anger, they're a little weaker each time. I'm making progress!" So I got home and started browsing on a dating site to take a look for any prospects. I don't think I'm quite ready to meet up with anyone, but I just wanted to look. As I looked I began to get sadder and sadder. "Wow, Ben's so much better looking than most of these guys. Man, some of these guys sound like they have very little in common with me. God, I miss Ben. Aw man, how come all the most interesting guys are so far from my area? Well I'd commute if they were worth it. Like Ben." And then it hit me. KAPOW! Ben's face. Staring at me from a shiny new profile, with the words "Online Now". I resisted the urge to click on it (he'd be able to tell). Instead I buried my face in my bed covers and cried for the first time in a week. Not as hard . . . not as long . . . but still I cried. And not just the sadness returned. The anger returned too. I cussed him out, calling him cold, uncaring, heartless . . . accusing him of being out on the prowl for another guy's heart to break. No wonder the turn around between him telling me about his problems and him dumping me was so quick, he couldn't wait to get back out there!
Why this emotional reaction? Perhaps it was the simple realization that he was back out on the market again, lost to me. Or perhaps it was a feeling of betrayal, since he had told me he was going to focus on career right now and didn't seem to be in a hurry to resume dating. Or maybe it was because I had finally started to come to terms with the break-up by convincing myself that Ben was simply not at the stage of maturity where he was ready for a long-term relationship (well, that's still probably true). Maybe my anger is simply due to the fact that the finality of the breakup is confirmed, like finding an obituary in the paper after you heard from someone that your good friend has died.
And I see his profile carries the label "bisexual." He had mentioned that the thought of dating girls again had crossed his mind. Not to come across as biphobic . . . but this experience has made me a little leery of dating bisexual guys. I feel like he used me for dating experience and then jettisoned me when my usefulness had expired. This is exactly why I wanted to figure out whether I wanted guys or girls before getting into a serious relationship, so I wouldn't do this to somebody.
Of course, I was on the site browsing too. But I already had the profile from a year ago. I have no intention to go on dates anytime soon. I'm pretty sure Ben didn't use that particular site before. In fact, I am probably the one who told him about it. So he just made a brand new profile, a week and a half after breaking up with his boyfriend of nearly 9 months. I assume he at least waited until then! Not that he has any healing to do.
Now is my anger rational? Maybe not. He's single, he has every right to be on that site. And so he fibbed about wanting to focus on work for a while . . . or he changed his mind. What was he supposed to say, "Well SoCal, I plan to immediately return to dating so I can find someone better." And yes, it's a safe bet that he's not hurting too much over the loss of our relationship. After all, he had several months of waning feelings to prepare himself for it. Be careful guys, this one's a fickle one!
I really do feel like a recovering addict. I just fell off the wagon so now I have to climb back up. At this point a friendship with Ben seems a lot harder to pull off than it did initially . . . although I really want it to work out. BUT, I only want it to if HE actually wants it. And right now I have no idea how he feels about me. I feel like the last several months were all a lie. I know he "admires" me, but I don't know if he "likes" me. I don't know if he'd miss me at all if he never heard from me again. I guess I just feel totally rejected, and even though he said he wants to be friends, I'm not sure whether to believe it. Heck, I believed all that "I love you" nonsense which HE instigated (hope he learns to throw those words around with more caution in the future . . . hard to believe he really meant it if we didn't have any "chemistry"). And . . . I'm not sure how painful it will be for me to try to be friends with him. I know if it can work it's going to have to be a slow, gradual process. I guess I'll just have to take it a step at a time, after at least a couple more weeks of zero contact.
Ugh, sorry for the anger fest. I'm just sick of hurting! Suddenly the lyrics of something like 50% of popular music make so much more sense to me. I'm so angry at the guy, but I miss him so much! I feel like a piece of myself was ripped out and the wound is slowly healing. I just need to learn to stop picking at the scab. Eeew . . . okay that's a gross metaphor.
5 comments:
I'm sorry that your hurt continues. As happens so often, Ben probably told you things to try to spare you but instead he ends up causing you more grief, when the truth comes out. It is similar to what I said earlier about continuing to have dreams when things are not quite resolved and you don't have closure. Now, he has sent so many mixed messages, you don't know what to believe.
All these emotions, doubts and questions you have are normal reactions, so don't feel like you are blowing them out of proportion. Your anger probably will build and you want to confront Ben to find the real reasons he broke up with you, because clearly some of the things he told you no longer seem so reasonable.
It is very difficult to accept that he could move on so quickly while you continue to struggle with your grief. It's a terrible feeling because it so undermines your self worth and confidence. But you can't let him dictate how you live your life or rely on his approval, you need to look past this and move on -- and you will eventually once you gone thru the various grief stages. It will take time, 2 weeks is not enough.
I don't think your reaction to seeing Ben's profile was entirely appropriate. A manic rage followed by a solid hour of violent sobbing would have been more fitting. Because you didn't do that: congratulations, you've started to heal!
Ben's lies and indecisiveness are proof of his immaturity. It's hard to imagine how ANYONE could have a successful relationship with him, unless it was based solely on casual sex.
I see his rush to post a new dating profile as proof that he knows he's a fuck up. When people do stupid things and feel bad about it, they suddenly NEED to do something to justify their bad behavior. In Ben's case, "I didn't dump SoCalRockFan because I'm a lying, immature SOB, I did it because I'm bi! And here's the proof: look at these pics of my hot new GIRLfriend posted all over FB." $20 says he does exactly that in less than 60 days.
When you feel ready to date again, you might consider having a few hook-ups first. I know that's not your style but it would be a good way to put some distance between a new relationship and what you had with Ben. It might also boost your psychological and sexual self-confidence; a cleansing by fire, so to speak.
I probably would have done the exact same thing you would have - and not necessarily done it so maturely.
I just caught up with the Ben drama.
It does suck dude. I know how it feels no longer have something with a person you care about, especially when it lasts for a long time and happens so suddenly.
You know what though dude, I'm not sure if its any help but I'd say know these two things:
First, give it time. I know thats such a general statement, but time will do its work.
Secondly, based on what you wrote about Ben, it seems to me that there was nothing you could do about it. He just wasn't "into" it and it was probably going to happen sooner or later.
You might not just have been what he was truly looking for, and though it might not feel that way, it isn't your fault at all. I guess I'm just saying that like, even though I can imagine you'd feel really bad at the moment, it wasn't your fault and theres nothing you could of done.
Just give it time, you'll feel better about it eventually. I'd say keep writing to vent, to feel catharsis and clear your own mind and develop your own perspective on the whole thing.
Wow, now that's a stab to the heart if ever I've seen one (metaphorically).
But let cooler heads prevail. Yes, he's on that dating site. Yes, he's probably checking out other guys' profiles (or other gals'). But how do you know he doesn't in some way feel the same, insofar as how good you two had it and how he may search for a while to find something not quite the same?
It's hard to let go. Likely more so than for him, yes. But some things have a way of going full circle. If he saw you on there like you saw him, would he think similarly? I don't know.
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