Don't look back in anger

Hi everyone.

First of all, thank you so much for all of the thoughtful comments. Even though I haven't met (most) of you in person, it warms my heart to receive your sympathy and advice. I'm sorry I couldn't give my story a happy ending with Ben. That was part of the reason I chose to continue this blog well into our relationship, even after I ceased to be "all mixed up" about it. I wanted to give hope to any other confused, doubtful guys out there that they could find the relationship of their dreams.

Well, even if the relationship ultimately didn't go the way I wanted it to, I still hope that anyone reading this can take something positive away from it. Just a year ago I was still in the midst of confusion and a years-long analysis paralysis. I finally took a leap of faith into the dating scene, which started out as just an experiment. I had doubts about whether I could find a guy in real life with whom I would be interested in pursuing a relationship. In no time at all, I met an amazing guy who I thought was attractive, nice, and interesting. Though he initially just wanted to be friends, I pursued him and entered into a wonderful, exciting eight and a half month relationship with him. I hit so many milestones during that time. I came out to the rest of my family and friends. I took him to my ten year high school reunion and thus came out to many of my high school acquaintances. I experienced sexual activities for the first time. I learned how to be affectionate and intimate in a romantic way, and found that I greatly enjoyed it. I learned to be comfortable in my own skin, to embrace my attraction to guys and discuss it openly with someone. And now that I've experienced heartbreak, I've hit another milestone that so many people face at least once in their lives.

I will remember my times with Ben for the rest of my life. As difficult a year as 2010 was for me (Europe trip excluded of course), 2012 was overall amazing. Yes, it did have the stress of applications (which also didn't pan out), but Ben helped shelter me so much from the stress I may have experienced otherwise. We did so many fun things together . . . concerts, bike riding, hiking, movies, cuddling, trips to Catalina, San Francisco and my parents' house in the Midwest, kayaking, karaoke (which I had never done before I met him, now I can't wait to do it again), and so much more. I may have eventually tried sky diving, but who knows, maybe I'll do that with someone else some day. We met multiple members of each other's families and close friends, building up a shared social network. We talked, joked, and laughed. We counseled each other through the worries and doubts of life. We spoke every day, and I thoroughly enjoyed the opportunity to get to know another person so intimately.

In the end, I think what brought our relationship to a close was a discrepancy in our desires. I'm trying to move away from blaming my own actions or inactions. I realize that the most important part of a romantic relationship for me is companionship. When people refer to their significant other as their "best friend" or their "better half" . . . that's what I want more than anything. That's why I felt so fulfilled by my relationship, because I had that in spades. Ben, however, seems to desire more. To him that "spark," that "chemistry" is a necessary element. Perhaps it is my less sexual nature that makes it hard for me to grasp this. To me it seems that those types of passionate feelings, though great, are fleeting, often rooted in lust and are a poor substitute for true compatibility in the long run. They can ebb and flow, and sometimes are built up over time. Ben seems to feel that they are either there, or they aren't. He's not alone, after doing an internet search it seems to be pretty common for some people to treat chemistry as "all or nothing" and others to treat it as more of a process.

So once again I am troubled by my low sex drive. Though Ben claimed it wasn't an issue, I wonder whether our "chemistry" would have improved if I was more sexually driven. Oh well, back to the drawing board. Gotta play the best game you can with the cards you've been dealt.

As far as Ben is concerned, I look forward to the day when we can be friends. I don't know how long it is appropriate to wait before asking to meet up again. I'm thinking a month, just to give me time to flush as much bitterness and frustration out of myself as I can. I know this entry has a noticeably more positive tone to it then the last couple. Well, I'm sick of being angry. I don't want to harbor a grudge toward Ben. He did what he felt was best. Maybe he didn't do it in the best way he could have, but he's only human. He's a very caring person, and I know he would only hurt me if he felt like it was necessary to avoid greater hurt for both of us down the road. Who knows, maybe someday he will regret his decision. Maybe by chasing something elusive and intangible he is giving up something that could have been great. But if that's the case, there's only one way he'll learn that. If he'd stayed with me, he may have always had the discontent born from the feeling that he could have something better. It would have bred resentment.  I certainly didn't feel like I was "settling," but if he stayed with me maybe he would have felt that way.

As for me, I would love to think I can find that elusive passion as well. I'm not convinced that I'm wired for it, but who knows.