I can't help but ruminate about the relationship to try to figure out what made Ben fall out of love with me. Memories flood back of Ben calling me "a treasure" as we lay cuddled on his bed, of Ben's best friend messaging me and saying Ben was "so happy," of Ben saying in an online chat how I was so good to him and how he wanted to kiss me and hold my face. Impressive act he put on for someone with whom he supposedly had no chemistry. Yeah, I know I'm bitter about that whole "no chemistry" thing. Well, I think part of the problem was I had a different understanding of the word. To me, "chemistry" is when two people get along swimmingly, when they have a bunch of common interests and never run out of things to talk about, when they can make each other laugh and are comfortable around each other. To me that describes Ben and I quite accurately, so of course I was offended when Ben suggested he didn't feel it from the beginning. But I guess he was using the word more in the sense of a romantic "spark" (and you all know how I hate that word). That elusive spark is hard to ignite, and even harder to keep burning. The latter is where I fear I failed. I'm afraid I got lazy . . . complacent. Possible moments of guilt jump out of my memory like angry wasps from a burning nest. How poetic of me.
Let's see what Dictionary.com has to say about chemistry:
chem·is·try
[kem-uh-stree]
noun, plural chem·is·tries.
1.
the science that deals with the composition and properties of substances and various elementary forms of matter. Compare element ( def 2 ) .
3.
the interaction of one personality with another: The chemistry between him and his boss was all wrong.
My understanding of chemistry between two people is usually a mixture of 3 and 4 above. But Ben must have been talking about # 5.
I guess I'm kind of feeling like its "me against all odds" right now. It takes me years to finally admit and accept my attractions to guys and start dating despite doubts about my sex drive, I find a guy that surpasses my expectations in every way, and he doesn't want me (or more like he doesn't want me, then he does, then he doesn't again). It takes me years to finally work up the interest, courage and self-confidence to apply to med school, and no school accepts me. And at the same time, I feel guilty for complaining about any of this, because I'm fortunate in so many ways its not even funny (that's the beauty of a blog, you can be as bitter as you wanna be).
I went browsing on OkCupid and Match, but it's waaaay too soon to do that without pain. I can't help but compare everyone to Ben. They don't fare very well. It is worrisome to me that I don't find many of the guys on there appealing. I ran into the same issue a year ago. One reason why Ben stood out so much. The old sex drive concerns are resurfacing again too. I felt really fortunate to find someone for whom my low drive was not an issue (allegedly at least . . . maybe it was?).
Not to say he's perfect (obviously, haha). But his imperfections just made him more attractive in my eyes (guess that's what love will do). Yeah, I said it to him many times but I'll finally declare it on this blog. I loved that guy!
Oh well. I'd better learn to unlove him real fast if a friendship is ever going to work. I've experienced a friendship with unrequited feelings before, and it was definitely an emotional strain. I spoke about it once or twice in this blog, but don't make me go look, haha. I'm friends with that guy now, but the feelings are long gone. Mostly because I learned the guy was a massive flake.
Hmm, there's an idea. What do you think? Should I focus on Ben's negative attributes (hasty decision-making, perhaps? ) in order to get over him and allow us to continue on as friends? I don't want to demonize him, of course. That would be quite counter-productive. I just want to emphasize his flaws so he does not seem like quite such an attractive partner. Because right now all I can think of him as is the most generous, optimistic, caring, friendly person I have ever known.
I'm a sap.
7 comments:
Sounds like you are moving into the "anger" phase of the grief process, which is understandable and quite normal. You are feeling like he led you on with mixed signals, telling you one thing while not really revealing how he felt. Anyone would get upset at being suckered like that.
Ben hurt you and you don't fully understand why -- and the frustrating thing is you may not get the full answer. Perhaps he saw how happy he made you that he did not want to tell you the truth, in a way to protect your feelings.
You are not a sap -- it's typical to replay things from your memory to try to isolate the cause of the break up. It's also normal to doubt yourself since this is one of those situations that would say anyone's confidence.
It will be difficult at first to let go, so for some guys, you need to take a long break from one another. Others can make the transition to friends faster.
Once you feel like you have closure, you can move on. but it will take time for you to heal.
Hi.
Just found your blog and read the last few weeks worth. I really feel for you. I can only add this:
Much of what you describe reminds me that in the past, I have acted much like Ben did. When I look at my relationships in the same light, and remember my reactions to my lovers, they are very similar. I can only add what I was truly feeling that I did not express well (or even understand well) at the time.
I broke off a number of relationships, and most of the time, I really didn't know why. One particular lover was so right for me, that I think it scared me. I had found someone who loved me more than I loved myself. My shields had to come down, and I could not bring myself to let them down. Her dedication and innocence (it was a gal--early in my life) would force me to be honest with her and myself...and I was not able to handle that.
It occurs to me that Ben may be facing something similar. Not quite ready to make that commitment.
But for you, it makes it no easier. I understand your position. You have done what you must, but I understand it is difficult. Someday things will be clearer, the pain will subside, and you will be a better man that you have experienced this.
It helps me to cry sometimes...it just feels good when it's all over. Good luck.
Me again, with probably another too-long comment. Your posts get me so worked up, I can't help myself. Please tell me if I need to back off.
I can relate to just about every word you've written. Not just the hurt and anger about Ben, but also the sex drive question and the lack of enthusiasm for almost everyone on any dating site. And then there's the most powerful statement you made, "I fear I failed." Man, do I know that feeling.
Your hurt, anger and disappointment about Ben and about what happened are going to bounce all over the place for months. Maybe even longer. The urge to move past it all will be very motivating. I intently focused on trying to be positive and move ahead with my life but found it impossible to flip a switch and make all the bad stuff go away. The best suggestion I can offer is that you work toward making peace with your hurt and anger rather than stifling them. It's normal to feel that way when your love is real. Real emotions cannot be changed overnight. So, be hurt, be angry and be ok with feeling that way. Maybe I'm weird but I always think of the Litany of Fear from Dune. Something like, "I will let the pass over me and through me, and once it's passed, I will look back with my inner eye and only I will remain." Don't bottle up or hide from what you feel, just let it wash over you.
Like you, I did the whole 'look back' thing. WTF was up with all the things he said? Was he a total liar or was I a stupid fool? I really felt played. Then I felt stupid for being played. Then I was so mad at myself for falling in love. I didn't even want that to happen! Yet it did. I felt like a failure in just about every way possible. And I'll continue to struggle with that until I find a relationship that works.
The most important thing I realized was that *I* was honest and *I* was real. I did the best I could, without pretending to be someone I'm not. Ultimately it didn't work out, and I could blame myself for that, but the fact is I didn't do anything wrong. And most importantly of all, I know I'm a good and caring person. I deserve someone who GENUINELY likes me for me. If either one of us needs to 'pretend' in some way to make it work, that's just kicking the can down the road.
You're not Ben so you'll never know what's in his head. Maybe he has ridiculous expectations. Or maybe he doesn't realize it and he needs someone to dominate him, both physically and emotionally. Whatever his issues are, they're HIS issues. If the worst thing you can say about yourself is that you got comfortable in a mutually fun and loving relationship, then clearly you are the victim. That's your big crime? Wow.
I didn't contact my ex for four very long weeks after we broke up. That turned out to be the best thing I did. I wallowed in my misery alone and worked through a lot of my bad feelings without reopening the wounds too soon. When we finally did communicate it was by email and that was helpful too. We've been staying in touch, and I still have very mixed feelings about him, but I'm happy to say the worst is over and we're still friends.
I've been really hesitant to comment because I know how raw and painful this all is for you. The first guy I dated broke up with me in much the same way, claiming that he "just didn't feel the spark." It was mind boggling to me at the time (and still is), considering all of the special moments we had shared over those few weeks. The only difference is that this was after a month, in your case this is coming after a much longer period of time, so I imagine that makes it a lot harder to deal with.
First off, I think it's really important to point out that you did not "fail" in this relationship. You put a lot of time and effort into it, especially considering the distance between the two of you. At the end of the day, he felt that there was someone better out there for you, and there's not much you can do to change that fact. It certainly would have been nice for him to reach this conclusion a long time before 8 months though. :/
I wish I had some helpful advice as to how to handle the next few months, but all I can say is that it's going to be hard and there isn't much you can do to change that. Allow yourself the time you need to grieve. That can be feeling angry, sad, indifferent, whatever, there is no "right" way to feel. Just don't feel like you have to push yourself through this period to be friends with him before you are ready. Most (but not all) of the guys who told me that they wanted to still be friends were completely full of shit, and erased me from their lives a few weeks later. So make yourself priority number one for a little bit.
And finally, when you are ready, there are other guys out there, who will love you BECAUSE of who you are, not in spite of it. I don't have any miracle tips for finding them, but you just have to put yourself out there in different ways. You will love and be loved again, that is one thing I have learned in this life.
If you ever need a place to crash or a night out in weho to unwind, mi casa es tu casa. We can commiserate over our recent breakups together :/
Sorry to hear about all this self-doubt again and with med schools. Applying to med schools sucks. Don't fixate on his negatives because that won't help things either. Maybe take a step back, get some alone time, take a short trip by yourself somewhere?
hey
it's been heart wrenching to hear about your breakup. it was thrilling to know true love could exist out there and it did sound like you guys were really happy together. i have no brilliant words of wisdom, but just give yourself time. i know you're a music guy so give the xx coexist album a few spins..breakup music if there ever was any.
Hey SCalRF,
Reading trough your last posts, I only can admire your 'inner beauty' or 'humanity' in how you're handling this. I think most people in the same situation won't come out that way. Respect!
I know it's too early to see the slightest positive note in the whole story, but there is. I think most readers will agree with me we've seen you becoming more confident, more positive, less worrying, in short a happier guy through your relationship with Ben. Try to keep that confidence (yes I know that's easier said than done at this moment) and the personal progress you've made.
Most people tend to think it's possible to 'totally get' the one you love the most, but I don't believe that anymore. I think that's one of the hardest things to accept - whether a relationship ends or lasts - that you'll never know what exactly your boyfriend is thinking/feeling. The biggest scarfs on my soul or not caused by what these arguments were about, or what was said and done, but the feeling that there are moments you just don't get each other, that you just can't figure out what's going on in his head and what he's feeling in his heart. I think the feeling you're having now because of the break up is the same feeling.
Take care buddy
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