Not to say that chemistry and passion are not important. I just think what we had was special and rare enough to put a little more work into it. Heck, back in June I wrote an entry describing something very similar to what Ben was feeling. I felt that his feelings were stronger than mine, and I felt guilty about it. True, I did also write that my doubts tended to subside in his presence, which might not be true for him . . . but still, I got over it. and my feelings grew stronger.
The part that bothers me the most? It was a four day turn around between Ben telling me about his problems and him breaking it off. Especially because he said during the first conversation that he wanted to try to make things work. That he would "love" for things to work out. He said that now that everything was out in the open, we could see how things went. I don't know what changed his mind (or more likely, who . . . he has openly admitted to being easily swayed by the opinions and ideas of others), but it saddens me deeply that he didn't feel our relationship was worth a little mutual effort. Relationships take effort after all!
I just can't believe that you can be with someone for 8+ months and then break things off so suddenly. Why didn't he tell me about his issues sooner? Why did he lead me on, telling me he was doing fine in the relationship every time I asked? Why was he the first one to say "I love you" if we supposedly didn't have any "chemistry"?
It is a risk being so candid here now that Ben knows the URL for my blog. Perhaps it was a bit too impulsive of me to share it with him. However, I figure if he reads this it means he at least cares a little bit.
3 comments:
I've walked in your shoes. I understand exactly how you feel.
My bf did exactly the same thing as Ben. HE was the one who was provocative about the future, never me. He was one who kept talking about getting married, not me. Then, just days after he dazzled me with a break-through moment (he decided to introduce me to his kids; his kids are his whole world), he pulled back. At first he told me he wasn't as ready to settle down as he thought he was, then, just five days later he was determined to break up. WTF?!!! I felt like I was a third-party witness to my own murder. Nothing he said or did made any sense.
One thing I KNEW was that he wanted to run from me. So, as painful as it was, I let him go. With genuine class and grace if I say so myself. No tears, no pleading, no anger, no guilt trips. And yes, four months later, I still miss that fucker something awful every single day. And I still wonder what went haywire in his head. Thankfully I know it wasn't anything I said or did. It was all him. I was just a victim of whatever idiotic epiphany he had.
One thing I've learned over the years is that when people make up their minds about something that's important to them, even really stupid things, they cannot be reasoned with. Bible thumpers and political demagogues are two common examples. But 'normal' people are that way too. People get it in their heads to do stupid things all the time...but they can't be reasoned with. In fact, if you try, they get defensive and angry. Then they avoid you because they know you disagree with them.
So what's the answer when people get crazy stupid and you can't reason with them? You shake their hand or give them a hug and wish them well. Their mental bags are already packed, their ticket is already paid for, so really, all you can do is wish them well on their journey. That is what I suggest you do with Ben.
Give him some time and some space. If you are such a great guy (and you are) and you and he are such a great match (he is for you, at least), then HE WILL COME TO KNOW IT. That won't likely happen in a day, a week or a month. It might even take several years - like, after he's had his heart broken a few times.
Right now, he feels horrible and guilty for what he's done to you. Every time you ask him to reconsider, the steel blade of guilt twists deeper into his chest. What you need to realize is that if you keep reminding him about that knife, he'll start to avoid you completely. Not because of what you've done, but because seeing you will remind him of what a schmuck he is.
I've walked in your shoes. I know the hurt you feel. If you ever want a chance for Ben to reconsider then you've got to make the last memories of you good ones. If you're meant to be together, someday he'll realize it. Until that day comes, the best you can do is cry until you can't cry anymore, and when you're done crying, pick yourself up and slowly put yourself back together.
I'm sorry for the long, preachy comment, but I really do feel for you.
Wow, thanks so much for the insightful comment. I'm going to write a quick follow up entry before going to bed.
If you are like most people, you will go thru the five stages of grief/loss. Maybe not in the order laid out, but you will feel each in turn. And it's normal.
http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/
Some run thru the stages quicker than others; some people get stuck at stages. It's OK to feel some anger at Ben eventually but don't let it linger, it's not worth to dwell on since it will affect your confidence and self worth. Just know that the gloom will eventually clear.
Don't try to suppress your hurt. You need some way to vent your emotions. Just verbalizing or writing down your thoughts, even the doubts, will be a kind of therapy. Talk to trusted family and friends; their support will comfort you.
We all have been there in some form or another, so we can understand what you are going thru.
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